Heavy Weather by P.G. Wodehouse (1933)

It is always embarrassing for a young man of sensibility to realize that he is making a priceless ass of himself.
(Poor Ronnie Fish, so oversensitive, so easily offended)

‘Has he shown any aptitude for journalism?’ This seemed to amuse Lady Julia. ‘My dear man,’ she said, tickled by the quaint conceit, ‘no member of my family has ever shown any aptitude for anything except eating and sleeping.’
(Lady Julia Fish displaying her superior aristocratic attitudes)

‘He tried to break my neck once,’ said Pilbeam, throwing out the information for what it was worth.
‘And of course that forms a bond, doesn’t it?’ said Lady Julia sympathetically.
(Nothing fazes the true aristocrat)

‘Wheels within wheels.’
(Monty Bodkin’s catchphrase)

‘Ha h’r’m’ph!’ said Sir Gregory, rather neatly summing up the sentiment of the meeting.

A sequel

‘Heavy Weather’ is the fifth novel in P.G. Wodehouse’s Blandings Castle series. It is a direct sequel to its predecessor ‘Summer Lightning’, following straight on from that work’s events, starting only about 5 days later, continuing the central storyline, and featuring most of the same characters in pretty much the same plights.

In their original editions, many of Wodehouse’s novels contained a brief synopsis. This is how the synoptic introduction to ‘Heavy Weather’ reads:

As a young man the Honourable Galahad Threepwood had earned the reputation for being wild and irresponsible, and the passing of thirty years had done little to diminish his piratical, die-hard spirit. Although he no longer organized bread-throwing contests within the gilded halls of Mayfair, he kept in close touch with his former days by compiling a book of reminiscences which, it was averred, contained more tales of the youthful escapades of Bishops and Cabinet Ministers than any book of its kind.

A deputation of his victims, headed by his sister, Lady Constance Keeble, did its utmost to suppress this book, but Gally was adamant. He would, he said, withdraw his manuscript only if his nephew, Ronnie Fish, were allowed to marry the charming chorus girl, Sue Brown. And so a bargain was struck.

All went well until Lady Julia Fish, Ronnie’s mother, arrived on the scene. She, good woman, did not appreciate the terms of the arrangement, and pointed out in no indefinite manner that it was not her intention to have her son’s future happiness sacrificed upon the altar of other people’s reputations, and straightway forbade the union.

Summary of Summer Lightning

To expand that a little, the previous novel, ‘Summer Lightning’, concluded, after a good deal of comic complication, with Galahad ‘Gally’ Threepwood using the threat of publishing his memoirs to blackmail 1) his sister, Lady Constance, into giving her permission for the marriage of her nephew Ronnie Fish, to the pretty chorus girl, Sue Brown, and 2) his brother, Lord Emsworth, into releasing Ronnie Fish’s trust fund money early so Ronnie has the wherewithall to marry.

The deal unravels

In the first pages of this novel that deal unravels ,for several reasons. 1) Ronnie’s mother, the redoubtable Julia Fish, returns from abroad and arrives at Blandings Castle telling all and sundry that the marriage is unacceptable.

‘Am I mad?’ [Lady Julia] cried. ‘Or is everybody else? You seriously mean that I am supposed to acquiesce in my son ruining his life simply in order to keep Galahad from publishing his Reminiscences?’

2) The publisher of the famous memoirs, Lord Tilbury, owner of the publishing conglomerate Mammoth Publishing, is infuriated to have been let down by Gally. He was hoping the memoirs would be a publishing sensation, and reckons he’s lost out on at least £20,000. So, also, sets off to Blandings in order to either talk Gally back into giving permission to publish them or, if pushed, to pay someone to steal them for him.

But most importantly 3) Ronnie himself loses heart. Despite all its superficially comic mannerisms, I found this a sad and rather dispiriting book, because at its core is the inability of Ronnie and his lady love, Sue, to be happy. Or their gift for being repeatedly unhappy. In fact Sue spends most of the book moping around and crying and, after a while, the reader feels like joining her.

Ronnie’s jealousy

The immediate cause of her unhappiness that short, pink-faced Ronnie can be insanely jealous, is, to quote Uncle Gally:

‘a blasted jealous half-wit, always ready to make heavy weather about nothing.’

In ‘Summer Lightning’ he was jealous of the private detective Percy Pilbeam who he foolishly thought was having an affair with Sue because he came across them at the same table in a nightclub, unaware that Pilbeam had been creepily stalking Sue and had only just sat down with her. Now he is going to have a new object of his jealousy….

Enter Monty Bodkin

In this book a new character is introduced whose function is to cause recurring breakups of the happy couple. This is the dimwitted, useless young man, Montague ‘Monty’ Bodkin, and it is this ‘popinjay’ that Ronnie foolishly comes to believe Sue is really in love with. It doesn’t help that Monty and Sue were actually engaged, years ago, when she was little more than a girl (aged 17).

Wodehouse contrives several scenes designed to give Ronnie the completely erroneous impression that they are still an item, with the result that Ronnie repeatedly switches from being passionately ardent for Sue, to being presented with yet another (erroneous) piece of evidence that she still loves Monty, and so switching his manner to being cold, formal and distant.

With the result that, with what comes to feel like monotonous regularity, Sue has scenes with kindly old Galahad where she tells her sorrows and bursts into tears.

Why Gally has a soft spot for Sue

Gally is so fervently for her union with Ronnie because thirty years earlier he, Gally, had a passion for Sue’s mother, the music hall performer Dolly Henderson. He recognises the features of his old flame in sweet young Sue and hence his warm avuncular support for her, standing up to the redoubtable aunts, Constance and Julia, and being there for Sue every time Ronnie goes off in a huff.

Monty loves Gertrude

Meanwhile, dim-witted Monty has an agenda of his own. He’s actually worth a fortune i.e. has a guaranteed annual income of £15,00 a year or so. But he is in love with a young lady called Gertrude Butterwick and, as the name suggests, she doesn’t come from posh aristocratic stock but is the daughter of a self-made businessman, J.G. Butterwick of Butterwick, Price, and Mandelbaum, export and import merchants.

So even though Monty has a guaranteed income, this Mr Butterwick has insisted that before he’ll hand over Gertrude in marriage, Monty must prove himself by managing one continuous year in gainful employment.

Monty had been hoping to achieve this by working at Lord Tilbury’s Mammoth Publishing Company, but this novel opens with him being given the sack for (stupidly) inserting some advice about how to win a bet about how much whiskey you can fit into Scotch bottles into a children’s magazine. Lord Tilbury had been wanting to fire the useless popinjay and this gives him the perfect excuse.

Monty becomes Lord Emsworth’s secretary

The pivot on which the narrative swivels is that, having been fired, Monty wanders down to the Drones Club (which also appears in all the Jeeves and Wooster stories) where he bumps into Hugo Carmody who was one of the young male leads in ‘Summer Lightning’. When Hugo explains that he has just resigned as Lord Emsworth’s personal secretary, Monty spots an opportunity and pulls family contacts to secure the now-vacant position.

So down to Blandings Castle goes Monty. Along with angry Aunt Julia Fish. And angry Lord Tilbury. To encounter Percy Pilbeam, the private detective, who’s still staying there after being invited down to steal the famous memoirs. And Sue Brown, who’s still staying there from the previous novel. Monty’s arrival triggers the series of misunderstandings which lead to Ronnie’s bouts of jealousy.

The Empress of Blandings

Oh and the pig. If you remember from the first novel, a major sub-plot was Lord Emsworth’s paranoia about his prize-winning pig, Empress of Blandings which, in a crazy manoeuvre, Ronnie Fish kidnapped and hid in a remote cottage with the idea that, after a few days, he would be able to reveal the hiding place as the Discoverer and Rescuer of the pig and Lord Emsworth would be so grateful he would happily let him get married (to sweet Sue) and release his legacy.

Inevitably, it didn’t pan out like that with the other young male lead, Hugo Carmody, being the one who discovered the Empress, and then moving it to a temporary hiding place in the caravan of Baxter, Lord Emsworth’s former secretary who, through a series of unfortunate incidents, Lord Emsworthy had sacked in the novel before ‘Summer Lightning’.

This led Gally, Lord Emsworth’s much smarter brother, to decide that Baxter was just the front man for their neighbour, Sir Gregory Parsloe-Parsloe, who also rears pigs and so is Lord Em’s main rival in the upcoming annual Shewsbury Agricultural Show Best Pig competition. In ‘Summer Lightning’, the pig is restored to its rightful stye, but Gally remains convinced that Sir Gregory is still out to either steal or nobble it, and gets Lord Emsworth to get his pig man, Jas Pirbright, to keep extra guard on it.

This explains why, having had an angry stand-off with Gally in his study at Blandings Castle, Lord Tilbury decides he needs to walk back to the pub in the village (the Emsworth Arms) but is distracted by the strong smell of pig and, when he comes up to the stye where the vast Empress of Blandings is feeding, and sees that she’s trying to get at a potato which has rolled under the metal gate, and picks it up with a view to giving it back to her – he finds himself literally collared, seized by the collar by big strong Pirbright, who leaps to the conclusion that Lord Tilbury is an agent of Sir Gregory sent to poison Lord Emsworth’s prize pig, and so locks him up in the gardeners shed. Which is where, an hour or so later, dim Monty strolling buy, hears his cries and sets him free.

The travelling manuscript

Lord Tilbury isn’t so pleased to be free from captivity by the very ‘popinjay’ he fired about three days earlier BUT he is very interested when Monty reveals that he is now employed as Lord Emsworth’s personal secretary. Ha. Maybe he can be paid to steal the famous manuscript of Gally’s memoirs. Monty drives a hard bargain because, as I’ve mentioned, he needs to be able to show Gertrude Butterwick’s father that he’s been employed for at least a year in one job – so he insists that Tilbury employs him for a full 12 months, which the latter reluctantly agrees to do.

What you have to know is that earlier on, the private investigator Percy Pilbeam had been commissioned by Lady Constance to get his hands on the manuscript as well. So now you have two young men vying to steal the manuscript.

What turns this into farce is that Gally realises various people are after it (realises as much when the Castle butler, Beach, tells him he discovered Pilbeam rifling about in his study) and so decides that, in order to be perfectly safe, he should give it to someone else. And after a bit of thought, settles on the irreproachable Beach, who should be a safe pair of hands.

And Beach is a safe pair of hands right up to the moment when Monty strolls round the corner and discovers Beach reading the famous manuscript in a garden. Monty tries to bribe him to hand it over but Beach backs towards the Castle. Except that on the way, he is spotted by Pilbeam who also tries to cut him off and offer money, but Beach dodges out the way of both of them and makes it back inside.

This is all proving very stressful for Beach, not least because it forces him to disobey direct orders from the master’s guests which goes against the grain and so he is relieved to hand the manuscript over to Ronnie Fish.

The storm breaks

Throughout the book much emphasis has been placed on how scorching hot the weather is. Finally the storm which has been gathering all day breaks in a great downpour. Monty is out walking the grounds and gets soaked. Ronnie sees him coming back to the castle, tells him to get changed and pops round to his room with some warming embrocation. Unfortunately, when he sees Monty with his wet shirt off, it reveals to Ronnie the fact he has a massive tattoo reading SUE on his chest, which of course another of Ronnie’s surly jealous moods. Monty makes a feeble attempt to explain it away as initials standing for ‘Sarah Ursula Ebbsmith’ but Ronnie isn’t having any of it.

Ronnie’s latest coldness is the last straw for poor Sue. He is so cold that she says maybe they better call the whole thing off.

They stared at one another. Ronnie’s eyes were hot and miserable. But they did not look hot and miserable to Sue. She read in them only dislike the sullen, trapped dislike of a man tied to a girl for whom he has ceased to feel any affection, so that merely to speak to her is an affliction to his nerves. She drew a deep breath, and walked to the window.
‘Sorry,’ said Ronnie gruffly. ‘Shouldn’t have said that.’
‘I’m glad you did,’ said Sue. ‘It’s better to come right out with these things.’
She traced little circles with her finger on the glass A heavy silence filled the room.
‘I think we might as well chuck it, don’t you?’ she said.
‘Just as you say,’ said Ronnie.
‘All right,’ said Sue.

At moments like this the book is not funny any more. It feels genuinely sad.

Anyway, still under the misapprehension that things are fine between Ronnie and Sue, Monty goes to find him on the pool room and explains that he needs Gally’s manuscript in order to give it to Lord Tilbury in order to get a job for a year in order to marry the woman that he loves. Like an imbecile, Ronnie thinks he is referring to Sue but, what the hell, he’ll show everyone what a gentleman he is, and so he hands over the famous manuscript to Monty who scampers off happy as Larry.

Sue comes in from the terrace and confides her sorrows to nice Galahad. Gally is infuriated and storms in on Ronnie to tell him what an idiot he’s being, how Sue loves nobody but him, and to stop being an infernal ass.

Well, you’d have thought that, with the central love story pretty much resolved, the novel would trickle to an end, but far from it. There’s 70 pages of complications still to go, which I’ll summarise briefly. They almost all concern the seemingly endless quest by four or five different players to get their hands on the wretched manuscript.

Bodkin had hired Pilbeam to find the book but, having been given it by Ronnie, tells the detective he is no longer needed, in the process revealing where he has hidden the manuscript (under his bed). Angered, Pilbeam steals it, planning to hold an auction for it between Tilbury and the Connie-Parsloe syndicate i.e. Sir Gregory and Lady Constance.

Bodkin plans to walk to the pub and hide the manuscript there but it almost immediately starts raining so he pops into a handy shed with good clean tiling. He stashes the manuscript in among some straw. Back in the Castle, Pilbeam tells Lord Emsworth that it was Bodkin who released Tilbury (from imprisonment in the potting shed, after Pirbright found him attempting to ‘poison’ the Empress) so Lord Em promptly fires Bodkin.

Pilbeam is summoned to see Lady Constance and fortifies himself with a few glasses of champagne on an empty stomach. After ten minutes he’s sloshed and so the interview goes badly. Connie becomes frankly insulting, and so a drunk and angry Pilbeam staggers out of the room determined to sell the book to Tilbury. He phones Tilbury at the Emsworth Arms and promises to deliver it but first heads to bed to sleep off the booze.

While Pilbeam is passed out, Lord Emsworth insists (against Pirbright’s advice) on moving the pig to a new location (to forestall any attempts to kidnap her) and it turns out to be none other than… the shed where Pilbeam had hidden the manuscript. As you might expect, the different characters then discover that the Empress has eaten the manuscript.

As with so many Wodehouse novels, the plot in the last 50 pages becomes increasingly clotted and I found it hard to take onboard the endless abrupt turns of events, and hard to care. When Pilbeam realises the manuscript he took such trouble to hide has been eaten, he hurries to meet Connie and Parsloe-Parsloe and extract money from them before they find out. He claims to have found and burned the manuscript and so, half disbelieving, they start to write him out a cheque for the job they wanted doing, at which point Lord Emsworth comes running in, panicking and telling Beach to phone the vet, because his beloved pig has just eaten a load of paper. When he hands over some of the said paper, everyone in the room realises it’s the famous manuscript and so Lady Constance and Sir Gregory promptly put their checkbooks away.

More or less kicked out, Pilbeam then has the bright idea of trying to sell his knowledge of the manuscript’s whereabouts to his original sponsor, Lord Tilbury, to he rushes down to the Emsworth Arms. Tilbury is just as sceptical as Constance and Gregory were but, when Pilbeam draws him a map of the potting shed’s location, he reluctantly writes Pilbeam a cheque for £1,000, then heads off into the night to find the shed and his precious manuscript.

However, angry Bodkin is standing right behind him, snatches the cheque out of his hand, and tears it up in front of him. Pilbeam is tempted to pop him except Monty is 8 inches taller than him and stronger so he stomps off into another room at the pub. Monty then phones up Lord Emsworth and warns him that someone (Lord Tilbury) is heading for the Empress’s hideout and to put Pirbright on double extra alert.

But then Monty has a few drinks and starts, under the influence of the pub’s strong beer, to feel a little sorry for Pilbeam. When he tore up the cheque it was purely performative, he imagined Pilbeam would simply get Tilbury to write out another one; he didn’t realise that was a one-off opportunity.

Then a chance remark of the barmaid gives him a brainwave. She is bragging to another customer that the oily Pilbeam is actually head of a huge detective agency with hundreds of experienced assistants. Monty runs into the snug where Pilbeam is nursing a drink and overcomes the other’s anger with a brilliant solution: he (Monty) has loads of money, what he doesn’t have is a job, a job he can hold down for a year and thus fulfil the requirement of Old Man Butterwick. So he makes Pilbeam a proposition: he, Monty, will pay Pilbeam to employ him. Suddenly Pilbeam is back in the money, £1,000 up, and hires him on the spot. Both men are sorted.

But there’s still more, as the plot drags on. Lord Emsworth is dragged into a room and is being harangued by his sisters when a mud-spattered Lord Tilbury is brought in. Tilbury had innocently followed Pilbeam’s directions to the new pig sty which was, of course, being super zealously guarded by big Pirbright who promptly jumped on him, squashing him into 4 inches of post-rainstorm mud, which is why he is barely recognisable when dragged into the Castle drawing room.

When Lord Tilbury finally makes himself known, he is shattered to be told that the manuscript he’s been through all these tribulations to get his hands on has been eaten. But Gally invites him to stay up at the castle, not just tonight but to come on an extended stay, and tells Beach to order his stuff brought up from the hotel, a room made ready, and a nice warm bath to be run.

Gally and Sue then appear. First of all Gally makes a spirited case that, contra Constance and Julia, Sue is a fine woman and any young man would be lucky to have her; before going on to inform the Emsworth siblings that Ronnie has the pig in his car and will drive off with it if Emsworth doesn’t consent to the marriage and cough up at least some of Ronnie’s legacy. So Lord Emsworth hurriedly writes a cheque to get his pig back, the pig is removed from Ronnie’s car, and the happy couple finally, at last, drive off towards London to get married.

The ending is sweet. Gally knows it was Beach who helped the young couple kidnap the Empress (for the second time; Ronnie stole her in the first book, if you remember, also with Beach’s reluctant help) and tells him he’s done a man’s work. Then reflects on how happy he is to have been able to help lovely Dolly Henderson’s daughter. And the last sentences go to the pig.

The Empress turned on her side and closed her eyes with a contented little sigh. The moon beamed down upon her noble form. It looked like a silver medal.

Thoughts

This novel felt like a slog. I was glad to get to the end. If you like brainless jollity I suppose it is very well done but I began to feel manipulated. The moment when Monty takes his shirt off and reveals a big tattoo SUE on his chest, in front of Ronnie, who he knows is quick to jealousy, is wildly improbable. Wodehouse tells us Monty sees it every day and so just forgot it was there. You buy that? Me neither. It’s neither plausible nor particularly funny.

There are plenty of funny moments in the story but, beneath them, the narrative started to feel contrived and manipulating; the last 50 pages felt like a real grind. And I began to feel really sorry for Sue. She seems to be in tears almost all the time. I began to feel that Wodehouse was bullying her.

The pig plot was hilarious the first time it appeared in the short story ‘Pig-hoo-o-o-o-ey!’ Now, stretched out to novel length for the second time, it begins to feel formulaic. It certainly no longer has the shock of the unexpected. Like the palavah around the controversial memoirs, it feels entirely predictable and very, very, long drawn-out. Hard not to find yourself muttering, ‘Oh just get on with it, already!’

Cast

  • Lord Emsworth, the ninth Earl of Blandings – ‘an elderly gentleman of quiet tastes’ he is, in fact, 60 – tall dim aristo, proud owner of the prize-winning pig, Empress of Blandings
  • Lady Constance Keeble – his sister, fierce
  • The Honourable Galahad Threepwood – 57, their brother, small and dapper, had a disreputable youth which he has written up in his memoirs, when a dashing young man about town in the nineties had wanted to marry Sue’s mother
  • George Alexander Pyke, first Viscount Tilbury aka Lord Tilbury – founder and proprietor of the Mammoth Publishing Company, publisher his nasty little scandal sheet, Society Spice, and its nasty little editor, Percy Pilbeam – a ‘stout, stumpy man’, ‘Napoleonic of aspect, being short and square and stumpy and about twenty-five pounds overweight’
  • Lady Julia Fish – sister of Lord Emsworth and Lady Constance Keeble, ‘a handsome middle-aged woman of the large blonde type, of a personality both breezy and commanding’
  • Ronald ‘Ronnie’ Fish – her only son, short and pink-faced and touchy, possessor of a real inferiority complex – ‘a bird of strong feelings and keen sensibilities, old Ronnie’, engaged to Sue Brown the chorus girl but keeps getting irrationally jealous and breaking it off
  • Montague ‘Monty’ Bodkin – a holiday acquaintance in Biarritz persuades Lord Tilbury to employ him on one of his papers but he turns out to be useless and is fired – ‘rather an attractive popinjay, as popinjays go. He was tall and slender and lissom, and many people considered him quite good-looking’ – also turns out to be the nephew of…
  • Sir Gregory Parsloe-Parsloe – 52, neighbour of Lord Emsworth and rival in prize flower, vegetable and pig competitions, uncle of Monty Bodkin, owns a pig called Pride of Matchingham
  • Huge Carmody – young man, one of the two male leads in ‘Summer Lightning’ who only has a walk-on part here, telling recently fired Monty about the vacant position as Lord Emsworth’s secretary
  • Sue Brown – a very pretty, tiny girl, with an enchanting smile and big blue eyes
  • P. Frobisher Pilbeam – former editor of Lord Tilbury’s scandal sheet, Society Spice, and now a private detective, originally hired by Lord Emsworth to find his kidnapped pig
    • Beach – the butler, really big and fat, ‘mountainous’, ‘vast’, with a ‘moonlike face’
    • Voules – the chauffeur
    • Jas Pirbright – Lord Emsworth’s pig-man
  • Robinson – taxi-driver in Market Blandings
  • Mr Webber – the Blandings vet

Detectives

Given that the head of a detective agency is a fairly central character and that there’s a certain amount of cloak and dagger stuff (though not much, to be honest), it’s no surprise that Wodehouse slips various detective references into the text, not forgetting the obligatory reference to Sherlock Holmes. Just to amplify the theme, Wodehouse makes Beach the butler a big fan of detective books.

On his marriage to the daughter of Donaldson’s Dog-Biscuits, of Long Island City, N.Y., and his subsequent departure for America, the Hon. Freddie Threepwood, Lord Emsworth’s younger son, who had assembled in the days of his bachelorhood what was pretty generally recognized as the finest collection of mystery thrillers in Shropshire, had bequeathed his library to Beach; and the latter in his hours of leisure had been making something of a study of the literature of Crime.

Like a lot of themes in Wodehouse, it’s surprising that this isn’t developed more or somehow taken to more farcical extremes. Instead there are just a few jokey references, which are interesting but not really tied in to the plot.

He [Beach] wished that life were as the writers of the detective stories which he had become so addicted portrayed it. In those, no matter what obstacles Fate might interpose in the shape of gangs, shots in the night, underground cellars, sinister Chinamen, poisoned asparagus and cobras down the chimney, the hero always got his girl.

Funny lines

‘I regard the entire personnel of the ensembles of our musical comedy theatres as—if you will forgive me being Victorian for a moment—painted hussies.’
‘They’ve got to paint.’
‘Well, they needn’t huss.’

The whole point of the Eton manner, as of a shotgun, is that you have to be at the right end of it.

‘Well, I will merely content myself with remarking that of all the young poops I ever met…’
‘He is not a poop!’ said Sue.
‘My dear,’ insisted the Hon. Galahad, ‘I was brought up among poops. I spent my formative years among poops. I have been a member of dubs which consisted exclusively of poops. You will allow me to recognize a poop when I see one.’

Beau Brummell himself could not have remained spruce after lying in four inches of mud with a six-foot pig-man on top of him.

‘I consider you a snob and a mischief maker, but may be quite sure I shall not dream of saying so.’

Aunts

Monty explains to Sue about posh aunts:

‘When you get to know that family better, you’ll realize that there are dozens of aunts you’ve not heard of yet—far-flung aunts scattered all over England, and each the leading blister of her particular county.’

Recurring comparisons…

It feels like Napoleon is referred to in pretty much every Wodehouse story…

Almost immediately Psmith saw what Napoleon would have done in this crisis.
(Leave It To Psmith)

‘Liz,’ said Mr. Cootes, and his voice was husky with such awe as some young officer of Napoleon’s staff might have felt on hearing the details of the latest plan of campaign,
(Leave It To Psmith)

From time to time, as he paced the tent devoted to the exhibition of vegetables, he might have been seen to bite his lip, and his eye had something of that brooding look which Napoleon’s must have worn at Waterloo.
(Blandings Castle and Elsewhere)

As a general rule, Lord Emsworth was an early and a sound sleeper, one of the few qualities which he shared with Napoleon Bonaparte being the ability to slumber the moment his head touched the pillow.
(Blandings Castle and Elsewhere)

He made his decision. Better to cease to be a Napoleon than be a Napoleon in exile.
(Blandings Castle and Elsewhere)

Mac had many admirable qualities, but not tact. He was the sort of man who would have tried to cheer Napoleon up by talking about the Winter Sports at Moscow.
(Summer Lightning)

And ‘Heavy Weather’ continues the habit:

[Lord Tilbury] rose from his chair and began to pace the room. Always Napoleonic of aspect, being short and square and stumpy and about twenty-five pounds overweight, he looked not unlike a Napoleon taking his morning walk at St. Helena.
(Heavy Weather)

Upon most men listening to this eloquent appeal there might have crept a certain impatience. Lord Tilbury, however, listened to it as though to some grand sweet song. Like Napoleon, he had had some lucky breaks in his time, but he could not recall one luckier than this…
(Heavy Weather)

Monty was plucking feebly at the lapel of his coat. This was new stuff to him. What with being invited to become a sort of Napoleon of Crime and hearing himself addressed as Lord Tilbury’s dear boy, his head was swimming.
(Heavy Weather)

Comparisons with Cleopatra tend to crop up regularly:

Though genial enough when she got her way, on the rare occasions when people attempted to thwart her she was apt to comport herself in a manner reminiscent of Cleopatra on one of the latter’s bad mornings.
(Leave It To Psmith)

Here is one [photo] of which my friends have been good enough to speak in terms of praise—as Cleopatra, the warrior-queen of Egypt, at the Pasadena Gas-Fitters’ Ball. It brings out what is generally considered my most effective feature, my nose.
(Blandings Castle and Elsewhere)

Lady Constance intervened. Her eye was aflame, and she spoke like Cleopatra telling an Ethiopian slave where he got off.
(Summer Lightning)

The sight of Lady Constance, staring haughtily from a high-backed chair like Cleopatra about to get down to brass tacks with an Ethiopian slave, merely entertained him.
(Heavy Weather)

And the Crusaders:

‘Fetch ’em!’ said Mr. Schnellenhamer in the voice a Crusader might have used in giving the signal to start against the Paynim.
(Blandings Castle and Elsewhere)

Had that call been made, Clarence, ninth Earl of Emsworth, would have answered it with as prompt a ‘Bless my Soul! Of course. Certainly!’’ as any of his Crusader ancestors.
(Summer Lightning)

‘It’s wonderful to watch you in action I admit–one seems to hear the bugles blowing for the Crusades and the tramp of the mailed feet of a hundred steel-clad ancestors but there’s no getting away from it that you do put people’s back up.’
(Heavy Weather)

He is fond of the Mona Lisa:

Lady Constance sat rigid in her chair. Her fine eyes were now protruding slightly, and her face was drawn. This and not the Mona Lisa’s, you would have said, looking at her, was the head on which all the sorrows of the world had fallen.
(Summer Lightning)

There was an infinite sadness in Monty Bodkin’s gaze. He looked like a male Mona Lisa.
(Heavy Weather)

I doubt if there’s any wider significance or symbolism in any  these references. Rather the reverse: they are extremely obvious historical figures, clichés of history, and so can be safely used for comic effect in a popular entertainment.

… and phrases

As well as recurring figures from History, Wodehouse also has a few phrases which feel like they crop up in every book:

Of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these, It might have been.

Let the dead past bury its dead.

Paradise enow.

When Monty says:

‘Not long ago I became betrothed to a girl, and her ass of a father won’t let me marry her unless I get a job and hold it down for a year. And, dash it, my every effort to do so seems to prove null and void, if null and void is the expression I want.’

‘If it’s the expression I want’ – this wondering whether he’s using the right phrase is a really strong feature of Bertie Wooster’s speech. Coming across it in other people’s mouths, along with the same kind of cultural references, the same phrases and sometimes the same jokes, makes you realise how recycled and fundamentally samey Wodehouses’s text are.

The south of France

I’m fascinated by the way the South of France suddenly became fashionable in the early 1920s.

‘I’ve lost touch with Blandings a bit. It must be three years since I was there. Somehow, ever since this business of going to the South of France in the summer started. I’ve never seemed to be able to get down.’

Film

By 1929 cinema and the movies were, of course, a major part of the cultural landscape, everyone went to them, everyone knew the names of the stars, and so Wodehouse can confidently make casual cultural references to them.

An astonishing change had come over the demeanour of P. Frobisher Pilbeam. One has seen much the same thing, of course, in the film of Jekyll and Hyde, but on a much less impressive scale.

In fact within the Blandings Castle saga, Lord Emsworth’s second son, Freddie Threepwood, is made a complete slave to the movies, recognising movie scenarios in every situation and likely to quote movie dialogue whenever triggered, much to the irritation of his interlocutors.


Credit

‘Heavy Weather’ by P.G. Wodehouse was published in 1933 by Herbert Jenkins. I read it online.

Related links

Related reviews

Leave it to Psmith by P.G. Wodehouse (1923)

‘A straightforward narrative of the simple home-life of the English upper classes.’

Who is Psmith?
He was essentially a young man who took life as it came, and the more inconsequently it came the better he liked it.

It was Psmith’s guiding rule in life always to avoid explanations.
(Psmith’s philosophy)

‘If,’ said Psmith, regarding him patiently through his eyeglass, ‘I do not seem to be immediately infected by your joyous enthusiasm, put it down to the fact that I haven’t the remotest idea what you’re talking about.’
(Psmith’s studied inconsequentiality)

‘I have never gone in largely for crime hitherto, but something tells me I shall be rather good at it.’
(Psmith’s cheerful insouciance)

‘If this moribund plant fancies that I am going to spend my time racing to and fro with refreshments, it is vastly mistaken. To-morrow it goes into the dustbin.’
(Psmith’s sense of humour)

What is Blandings like?
If Market Blandings had seemed a place in which one might dwell happily, Blandings Castle was a paradise.

Wodehouse wisdom
Of all indoor sports the one which offers the minimum of pleasure to the participant is that of roaming in pitch darkness through the hall of a country house.

This Ronald Psmith character is an odd fish and it took me a while to get oriented in this novel and understand what it was trying to do. You don’t have this problem with the Jeeves and Wooster stories where the characters, their relationships and their comic plights are obvious from the start. By contrast, I found it quite a challenge making out what Psmith’s racket is and how, exactly, we’re meant to find him funny.

Wodehouse is aware of this, in fact it’s part of Psmith’s schtick that he spreads puzzlement and bewilderment wherever he goes, leaving them ‘somewhat bewildered by this eloquence’ (as Wodehouse describes Freddie, early on), their minds ‘in a whirl’. All the other characters in the book don’t know quite how to take him. It’s partly his language and partly his behaviour.

1. Psmith’s language

First language; this is how Psmith sounds:

‘Your generous heat, Comrade Threepwood, is not unjustified. It was undoubtedly an error of judgment. If I have a fault—which I am not prepared to admit—it is a perhaps ungentlemanly desire to pull that curious female’s leg. A stronger man than myself might well find it hard to battle against the temptation. However, now that you have called it to my notice, it shall not occur again. In future I will moderate the persiflage. Cheer up, therefore, Comrade Threepwood, and let us see that merry smile of yours, of which I hear such good reports.’

How would you describe this? An odd combination of extreme formality (‘now that you have called it to my notice, it shall not occur again’) with mock-hearty facetiousness (‘Cheer up, therefore… and let us see that merry smile of yours’), topped off with the humorous use of ‘Comrade’.

The ‘comrade’ (which he uses to address more or less everyone, throughout the book) is all the more jocular because Psmith is phenomenally upper class. He is tall and prides himself on his immaculate attire and wears a monocle. He is a caricature of an upper-class toff, but not a dim one like Bertie Wooster, an extremely intelligent, archly self-aware one.

‘I recollect having a refreshing chat with Miss Peavey yesterday afternoon,’ said Psmith, ‘but I cannot recall saying anything calculated to bring the blush of shame to the cheek of modesty. What observation of mine was it that meets with your censure?’

And it’s this archfulness which baffles everyone who meets him. From his appearance they expect him to be a standard issue posh man right up until he opens his mouth and begins to utter his unexpected, oblique and sometimes almost surreal observations, in the elaborately facetious tone that completely throws his listeners. He is ‘all debonair chumminess’, ‘a connoisseur of light persiflage’.

A typical example is the scene where Psmith, having been at Blandings for all of a day and knowing absolutely nothing about it, takes newly-arrived Eve for a tour of the grounds, offering increasingly absurd remarks – ‘the newts were introduced by Queen Elizabeth, the dandelions were imported from Egypt – with such a straight face that Eve doesn’t even realise what twaddle he’s talking.

At other moments he has extended flights of fantasy, as when he lets loose on a bewildered Freddie, telling him that although he risks being caught and imprisoned for stealing the necklace, he is more than happy to do it for his pal Mike, and then goes on:

‘The reflection that I did my best for the young couple will be a great consolation to me when I am serving my bit of time in Wormwood Scrubs. It will cheer me up. The jailers will cluster outside the door to listen to me singing in my cell. My pet rat, as he creeps out to share the crumbs of my breakfast, will wonder why I whistle as I pick the morning’s oakum. I shall join in the hymns on Sundays in a way that will electrify the chaplain.’

So you can see why ordinary characters are puzzled by Psmith who looks like a monocled bright young thing but talks like a man on drugs.

2. Psmith’s behaviour

The mixing up of names, the confusion of identities, turns out to be a Psmith forte and lies at the heart of the plot. He’s a chancer but not in the sense of a hard-boiled criminal or confidence trickster. He’s just so posh and confident that if odd opportunities crop up he’s ready to give them a go without any concern for bourgeois morality or timidity.

Psmith had never been one of those who hang back diffidently when Adventure calls, and he did not hang back now.

And because he’s so posh most people assume it’s alright and let him get away with it. In this respect he reminds me a bit of Raffles, the gentleman thief, the same kind of insouciant attitude. So to give another example, at the end of giving Eve a tour of the grounds, she insists that she needs to report to Baxter, Psmith says he’s probably hard at work in the library, whose french windows were just nearby on the terrace, and when Eve says it would be embarrassing just to walk in without an introduction, Psmith picks up a nearby flowerpot and hucks it through the french windows triggering a smash and an oath from within. Baxter’s head emerges seconds later and he demands to know whether Psmith chucked the flowerpot in but Psmith refuses to answer three times, before strolling off without a care in the world, leaving:

Eve remained where she stood, struggling between laughter and embarrassment.

And it’s these mixed feelings and confused responses which Psmith triggers, wherever he goes.

Examples of Psmith’s flights of fancy

1. Freddie moans to Psmith that Eve doesn’t take him seriously. Possibly because he is constantly proposing to her. Psmith mildly suggests that maybe he should stop proposing so often, but then develops this already silly notion into the realms of fantastical exaggeration.

‘Laughs at me, don’t you know, when I propose. What would you do?’
‘I should stop proposing,’ said Psmith, having given the matter thought.
‘But I can’t.’
‘Tut, tut!’ said Psmith severely. ‘And, in case the expression is new to you, what I mean is ‘Pooh, pooh!’ Just say to yourself, ‘From now on I will not start proposing until after lunch.’ That done, it will be an easy step to do no proposing during the afternoon. And by degrees you will find that you can give it up altogether. Once you have conquered the impulse for the after-breakfast proposal, the rest will be easy. The first one of the day is always the hardest to drop.’

2. Exactly the same structure is used when Lord Emsworth sends Psmith out to stop Baxter chucking flowerpots through his window.

‘If I were you,’ said Psmith, ‘and I offer the suggestion in the most cordial spirit of goodwill, I would use every effort to prevent this passion for flinging flower-pots from growing upon me. I know you will say that you can take it or leave it alone; that just one more pot won’t hurt you; but can you stop at one? Isn’t it just that first insidious flower-pot that does all the mischief? Be a man, Comrade Baxter!” He laid his hand appealingly on the secretary’s shoulder. “The next time the craving comes on you, fight it. Fight it! Are you, the heir of the ages, going to become a slave to a habit? Tush! You know and I know that there is better stuff in you than that. Use your will-power, man, use your will-power.’

3. There’s a very funny sequence towards the end, where Psmith proposes to Eve who is angry and exasperated with him. But he insists that he has many good qualities which will grow on her and insists on listing them, the more ridiculous and inconsequential the better. Thus he insists that he is good at card tricks;

‘And also a passable imitation of a cat calling to her young. Has this no weight with you? Think! These things come in very handy in the long winter evenings.’

And then after she’s left and is walking back to the castle he runs all the way after her to add that he can also recite the poem Gunga Din. In its entirety! So will she think it over, his proposal?

The plot

‘Leave It To Psmith’ has, as usual with Wodehouse, a farcical plot in the sense that there are 7 or 8 characters, each with agendas of their own, which get mixed up in scenes of ever-more byzantine comic confusion. But the basic idea is simple: Psmith impersonates a famous Canadian poet Ralston McTodd who’s been invited to stay at Blandings Castle, home of the absent-minded Lord Emsworth. As 1) there’s already a lady poet, Miss Aileen Peavey, staying there and 2) McTodd is a keen personal favourite of his hostess, Lady Constance ‘Connie’ Keeble, this impersonation is going to be challenging. Throw in the fact that Lord Emsworth’s personal assistant, Rupert Baxter, is no fool and suspects Psmith is an impersonator from the moment he arrives, and you have a recipe for countless comic complications.

But an extra layer of farce is created because while keeping up the impersonation, Psmith has also been tasked with stealing a grand diamond necklace belonging to Connie by her stepson, Freddie Threepwood. This isn’t as criminal as it sounds because Freddie will hand the purloined necklace straight over to Connie’s husband, Joseph ‘Joe’ Keeble, who will have the diamonds reset and a new necklace handed back to her. Why? Because this will allow him to pretend he had to fork out £20,000 for the new necklace. Why? Because his wife monitors their joint bank account and this subterfuge is by way of extracting a big wodge of cash from the account with a transparently good excuse.

Why does he need the cash? In order to do a couple of things. The most prominent one is it will allow Joe to give his beloved step-daughter, Phyllis, the £3,000 she needs to enable her lovely husband, Mike Jackson, to start up a pig farm. An incidental one is that this Freddie Threepwood needs cash, say about £1,000, to pay off his gambling debts, and he’s hoping Joe Keeble will pay him this as a sort of arranger’s fee.

But this aspect of the plot develops further when a pretty young lady, Eve Halliday, arrives at Blandings Castle, ostensibly to catalogue the big rambling library which hasn’t been catalogued since 1885. The thing is, Freddie has known Eve for several months and is desperately in love with her, though she thinks he’s a pest. In fact, the reader has seen how, earlier on the day when the identity swap occurred, Psmith had seen Eve taking shelter from a rainshower under the awning of a shop opposite his club (the (fictional) Senior Conservative Club in Dover Street), and had promptly stolen an umbrella from the hall and run out to give it to her. Half the reason he went to Blandings pretending to be McTodd is because Lord Emsworth let slip that she (Eve) was engaged to start working there, and Psmith wanted to be near her. When she turns up at Blandings, Psmith goes out of his way to be charming and humorous for her, thus setting himself up as a rival to Freddie.

Back to the necklace storyline, you might expect Psmith to expect to get something out of his risky heist but at least to begin with, he doesn’t. He’s doing everything for the lolz. He didn’t plan to impersonate this Canadian poet, he just happened to come into the dining room at his club at a moment when Lord Emsworth had been entertaining the poet to lunch (as instructed to do by his bossy sister, Connie) but, as usual, Lord Emsworth was without his glasses and so had a very shaky grasp on McTodd’s appearance and in any case delivered an unending monologue about his beloved flowers.

McTodd is angered by Lord Emsworth’s complete indifference to his work and gets up and leaves having said hardly a word. This is why, when Psmith enters the lounge of the same club (of which he is a member) and sees an empty chair at Lord Emsworth’s table, and drops into it, Emsworth keeps rambling on about his garden and doesn’t notice the substitution. And here’s the very Psmith thing about the whole situation: Psmith doesn’t mind. He isn’t fazed. It doesn’t seriously occur to him to set Lord Emsworth straight. As he lets Emsworth ramble on and picks up the idea that he’s sat down in the chair of a chap who was invited to go and stay at Blandings Castle for a few weeks, Psmith thinks, ‘OK, alright, sounds like fun, I won’t disillusion the old boy, I’ll play along and see what comes of it’. Which is very much the Psmith Spirit.

Oh and there’s yet another layer of complexity which is that, just as Eve is starting to find Psmith amusing, she is told that he is the Canadian poet Ralston McTodd and it turns out that her old schoolfriend Cynthia is married to this McTodd and that Eve learned, just before getting the train down to Blandings that, just a few days ago, after arriving in London, they had had a big row and Ralston stormed out, abandoning her. So at a stroke, Eve’s attitude goes from indulging Psmith’s flights of fancies to despising him. And that’s just the start of the mayhem. There are another 150 pages of complicated twists and turns still to go…

Psmith’s advert

I’m not telling this in quite the right order because although the mistaken identity and the invitation to Blandings are the start of the real plot, there had been 50 or so pages of buildup before it.

The fundamental thing is that Psmith is skint. He has been working in the fish company run by his wealthy uncle (it’s always uncles and aunts in these stories, so much easier to defy than fathers and mothers) but has had enough and has just resigned.

‘I must explain,’ said Psmith, ‘that until recently I was earning a difficult livelihood by slinging fish about in Billingsgate Market.’

As a result, at the start of the story, Psmith pays for an advert in the papers which (as you can see) gives the book its title:

LEAVE IT TO PSMITH!
Psmith Will Help You
Psmith Is Ready For Anything
DO YOU WANT
Someone To Manage Your Affairs?
Someone To Handle Your Business?
Someone To Take The Dog For A Run?
Someone To Assassinate Your Aunt?
PSMITH WILL DO IT
CRIME NOT OBJECTED TO
Whatever Job You Have To Offer
(Provided It Has Nothing To Do With Fish)
LEAVE IT TO PSMITH!
Address Applications To ‘R. Psmith, Box 365’
LEAVE IT TO PSMITH!

Two things: in the context of the plot, he is disappointed by the small number of replies he gets. It’s only the last (of seven) letters or replies which contains anything interesting, asking him to meet an unnamed respondent in the foyer of the Piccadilly Hotel. This turns out to be Freddie Threepwood who, as I’ve mentioned, had seen the ad and had the brainwave about paying someone to steal his aunt’s necklace. Freddie gives a very brief outline of his plan to Psmith before he has to run off and catch his train.

It is typical of the farcically improbable nature of the whole thing that it’s later the same day that Psmith finds himself by accident not only 1) taking the place of the Canadian poet, and 2) catching the train to Blandings with Lord Emsworth – but 3) discovering that Freddie is on the same train (because he missed the one he rushed off for and spent the afternoon at the movies); and 4) then discovering that Freddie is Lord Emsworth’s stepson and so they are all going to the same house! And 5) then realising that the person Freddie wants him to steal the necklace from is Connie, the sister of the very man who’s mistaken him for the Canadian poet! And who, a few hours later, he finds himself on the steps of Blandings Castle being introduced to as the Canadian poet.

This is what I mean by farce. Among other aspects such as crude characterisation and physical horseplay, farce differs from comedy by virtue of its ‘ludicrously improbable situations’. Are these ludicrously improbable enough for you? And this is only the start. The plot then moves though a score of increasingly complicated misunderstandings and cross-purposes into a world of endless confusion.

Psmith and Agatha Christie

Notice anything else about that advert? Quite possibly many people down on their luck during the post-Great War slump did indeed post such adverts in the press. But from a bookish point of view, it reminded me of the very similar advert posted by Agatha Christie’s pair of unemployed posh people, Tommy and Tuppence, in her first novel about them, The Secret Adversary. This was published in 1922, the year before ‘Leave It To Psmith’ was written, and I wonder how much influence there was between Christie and Wodehouse. Or was (and is) it just a common trope of detective/mystery stories? Or a bit of both?

Wodehouse seems to be indicating the influence when, towards the end of the story, he tells Eve that if they get married:

‘We shall get into that series of “Husbands and Wives Who Work Together”.’

How to pronounce Psmith

‘Will you inform her that I called? The name is Psmith. P-smith.’
‘Peasmith, sir?’
‘No, no. P-s-m-i-t-h. I should explain to you that I started life without the initial letter, and my father always clung ruggedly to the plain Smith. But it seemed to me that there were so many Smiths in the world that a little variety might well be introduced. Smythe I look on as a cowardly evasion, nor do I approve of the too prevalent custom of tacking another name on in front by means of a hyphen. So I decided to adopt the Psmith. The p, I should add for your guidance, is silent, as in phthisis, psychic, and ptarmigan. You follow me?’

Blandings versus Bertie

Having just spent two or three weeks immersed in Jeeves and Wooster stories – which means being immersed in the narrative style of their narrator, the posh dimwit Bertie Wooster – it’s a surprise and a bit of a shock to emerge into the much calmer, staider air of the Blandings Castle stories. The (dozen) Blandings short stories and (eleven) novels mostly have a third-person narrator – who is still posh and echoes the tone of his titled characters – but is much, much more restrained and sensible than the hilariously idiotic and slag-infested Bertie.

Appropriately enough, then, the Blandings stories are stylistically blander. Still freighted with comic phraseology. Just not as madly slangy as Bertie.

A third-person narrator also has to spend a lot of time setting the scene, describing the location and the weather and the general mood, whereas a first-person narrator is generally more concerned with describing their own thoughts or how they feel. Here’s the difference in practice. First here’s Bertie Wooster opening a chapter in ‘Right Ho, Jeeves’:

You couldn’t have told it from my manner, but I was feeling more than a bit nonplussed. The spectacle before me was enough to nonplus anyone. I mean to say, this Fink-Nottle, as I remembered him, was the sort of shy, shrinking goop who might have been expected to shake like an aspen if invited to so much as a social Saturday afternoon at the vicarage. And yet here he was, if one could credit one’s senses, about to take part in a fancy-dress ball, a form of entertainment notoriously a testing experience for the toughest.

This takes you straight into Bertie’s permanently puzzled, dimwit mind, combined with some colourful slang (‘goop’) and equally colourful metaphor (a shy person shaking like an aspen). Compare and contrast with the opening to Chapter 3 of ‘Leave it to Psmith’ – see how much more sober, sensible and descriptive it is:

The rain had stopped when Psmith stepped out into the street, and the sun was shining again in that half blustering, half apologetic manner which it affects on its reappearance after a summer shower. The pavements glistened cheerfully, and the air had a welcome freshness. Pausing at the corner, he pondered for a moment as to the best method of passing the hour and twenty minutes which must elapse before he could reasonably think of lunching.

It’s still got a mate cheeriness but a lot, lot less colourful, interesting or grabby.

Psmith and Blandings

In this novel Wodehouse’s series of stories about Psmith intersect with the series of stories about Blandings Castle. Psmith had already appeared in three novels (the others being ‘Mike’ (1909), ‘Psmith in the City’ (1910) and ‘Psmith, Journalist’ (1915)). When asked, Wodehouse said he never wrote any more Psmith texts for the very good reason that he couldn’t think of any more stories.

But if this novel was the end of the line for Psmith, it was just an early stop for the great Blandings juggernaut. It’s the second novel in the Blandings series (the first being ‘Something Fresh’ (1915)) which would go on to comprise 11 novels and nine short stories.

Cast

  • The Earl of Emsworth – ‘that amiable and boneheaded peer’, ‘a fluffy-minded man with excellent health and a large income’ – tall and lean and scraggy
  • Lady Constance Keeble, ‘Connie’ – his sister, ‘a strikingly handsome woman in the middle forties. She had a fair, broad brow, teeth of a perfect even whiteness, and the carriage of an empress’
  • the Right Honourable Freddie Threepwood – his dimwit son – ‘a dude with blond hair slicked back’ – ‘The Hon. Frederick Threepwood was a young man who was used to hearing people say “Well, Freddie?” resignedly when he appeared. His father said it; his Aunt Constance said it; all his other aunts and uncles said it’ ‘ known for ‘his feebleness of intellect’
  • Rupert Baxter, his secretary – ‘Technically but a salaried subordinate, he had become by degrees, owing to the limp amiability of his employer, the real master of the house. He was the Brains of Blandings, the man at the switch, the person in charge’ – ‘thick-set and handicapped by that vaguely grubby appearance which is presented by swarthy young men of bad complexion’ – ‘a sort of spectacled cave-man’
  • Joseph ‘Joe’ Keeble – Lady Constance’s husband – elderly widower, made a fortune in South African diamond mines – ‘Uncle Joe’ to Lord Emsworth’s son, Freddie – ‘short with a red face’
  • Phyllis Jackson – Joe Keeble’s stepdaughter – had been engaged to a rich and suitable young man (Rollo Mountford) as arranged by Lady Constance, but chucked him to run off and marry ‘a far from rich and quite unsuitable person’ named Jackson – ‘small and fragile, with great brown eyes under a cloud of dark hair. She had a wistful look, and most people who knew her wanted to pet her’
  • Mike Jackson – Phyllis’s husband, best pals with Psmith, needs £3,000 to set up a pig farm in Lincolnshire
    • Jane – her maid
    • Beach – the Emsworth family butler
    • Thomas – the footman
    • Stokes – another footman, ‘a serious-looking man with a bald forehead’
    • Susan – the new parlourmaid (who turns out to be more than she seems)
  • Ronald Psmith – star of then novel, a very tall, very thin, very solemn young man, best friend of Mike Jackson – ‘a striking-looking young man, very tall, very thin, and very well dressed. In his right eye there was a monocle’
  • Eve Halliday – schoolfriend of Phyllis’s – ‘ the daughter of a very clever but erratic writer, who died some years ago’ – librarian just been employed to catalogue the Blandings library – ‘strong and adventurous, and revelled in the perpetual excitement of trying to make both ends meet’ –
  • Miss Clarkson aka ‘Clarkie’ – formerly Eve and Phyllis’s teacher, now owner of the Ada Clarkson Employment Bureau – ‘exudes motherliness. She was large, wholesome, and soft’
  • Miss Aileen Peavey – author, one of Connie’s enthusiasms, ‘one of the leading poetesses of the younger school’ – later revealed to be a con-artist
  • Ralston McTodd – the well-known Canadian poet – ‘A gloomy-looking young man with long and disordered hair’
  • Cynthia McTodd – Eve’s best friend at school, who went off to Canada, met and married Ralston, years later has accompanied him on a trip to England where, in their London hotel, they hand a standup row and he walked out – all of which Eve duly discovers which puts a damper on Psmith’s efforts to chat her up in the guise of this McTodd
  • Edward Cootes – American con-man, lately retired from working transatlantic liners after an angry punter bit the tip of his forefinger off, tries it on at Blandings by pretending to be McTodd but Psmith sees right through him; wants in the necklace heist and Psmith persuades him a good way to infiltrate the caste would be as his (Psmith’s) valet, which he does grudgingly

Starting points

Within the first ten pages we learn that all the characters have issues or problems or needs, mostly to do with money, which we know from this type of novel will go on to be the main subject of the narrative.

Freddie Threepwood has lost over £500 betting on the horses so he asks first his father, then Uncle Joe to lend him £1,000.

Joe Keeble’s step-daughter Phyllis has asked him for the mighty sum of £3,000 to help her husband Jackson set up a pig farm.

Connie owns a beautiful necklace which is worth at least £20,000 but refuses her husband’s wise advice to put it in a safe.

Connie has arranged for Ralston McTodd, ‘the well-known Canadian poet’, to come and stay at Blandings, and asks Lord Emsworth to drive up to London to collect her.

She has also arranged for a Miss Eve Halliday to come to Blandings to catalogue the library, which hasn’t been done since 1885.

Contemporary culture

Movies

The enormous growth in popularity of cinema in the 1920s is one of the great cultural divides between the 1920s and the Edwardian era. There was not only a boom in cinemas and the numbers of movies produced but also in the cultural means of promoting and publicising them, from posters and billboard hoardings, through reviews in newspapers and feature articles in magazines.

In my Agatha Christie reviews I mentioned how many times characters joked that they felt like they were caught in a crime movie but none of them compare to the character in this novel, Freddie Threepwood. Freddie is a movie addict, dropping everything to pop along to the pictures either in London or Blandings. But more importantly he is a kind of movie victim (in the sense of ‘fashion victim) in that he relates absolutely everything in his life to some scene or plot from the latest movie he’s seen. He has a ‘motion-picture-trained mind’ and so will believe any absurdity.

The Hon. Freddie was a great student of the movies. He could tell a super-film from a super-super-film at a glance, and what he did not know about erring wives and licentious clubmen could have been written in a sub-title.

A well-displayed advertisement, and one that had caught the eye of many other readers of the paper that morning. It was worded to attract attention, and it had achieved its object. But where others who read it had merely smiled and marvelled idly how anybody could spend good money putting nonsense like this in the paper, to Freddie its import was wholly serious. It read to him like the Real Thing. His motion-picture-trained mind accepted this advertisement at its face-value.

Said Freddie, ‘Saw much the same thing in a movie once. Only there the fellow, if I remember, wanted to do down an insurance company, and it wasn’t a necklace that he pinched but bonds. Still, the principle’s the same.’

‘When you chuck your head up like that you remind me a bit of What’s-her-name, the Famous Players star—you know, girl who was in ‘Wed To A Satyr’.’

It’s like that picture I saw once, ‘A Modern Cinderella.’ Only there the girl nipped off to the dance—disguised, you know—and had a most topping time. I wish life was a bit more like the movies.’

And it’s not just the plots, movies infect his speech. He quotes entire lines of movie dialogue, generally to the immense annoyance of his interlocutors.

“I just wanted to help Phyllis. She’s my friend.’
‘Pals, pardner, pals! Pals till hell freezes!’ cried Freddie, deeply moved.
‘What are you talking about?’
‘Sorry. That was a sub-title from a thing called ‘Prairie Nell,’ you know. Just happened to cross my mind. It was in the second reel where the two fellows are…’
‘Yes, yes; never mind.’
‘Thought I’d mention it.’
‘Tell me…’
‘It seemed to fit in.’
‘Do stop, Freddie!’

The most comprehensive example of a movie victim or movie pest that I know of in fiction.

Freud

‘Between ourselves, I dropped about five hundred of the best. And I just want to ask you one simple question. Why did I drop it?’
‘Because you were an infernal young ass.’
‘Well, yes,’ agreed Freddie, having considered the point, ‘you might put it that way, of course. But why was I an ass?’
‘Good God!’ exclaimed the exasperated Mr Keeble. ‘Am I a psycho-analyst?’

The modern girl

Thinks Joe Keeble about Eve:

What nonsense, he reflected, these newspapers and people talked about the modern girl. It was this very broad-mindedness of hers, to which they objected so absurdly, that made her a creature of such charm. She might behave in certain ways in a fashion that would have shocked her grandmother, but how comforting it was to find her calm and unmoved in the contemplation of another’s crime.

It’s not what Joe does or doesn’t think, I’m interested in the obvious fact that ‘the modern girl’ was, in 1923, enough of a newspaper cliché to be cited in a popular entertainment like this.

Say it with flowers

Ditto ‘say it with flowers’. According to Google AI:

The famous slogan ‘Say it with Flowers’ was popularized by the Florists’ Telegraph Delivery (FTD) association in 1918 for their Mother’s Day campaigns, building on the Victorian-era concept of floriography (the language of flowers) to convey emotions, but the exact coiner is often attributed to advertising man Major Patrick O’Keefe, inspired by florist Henry Penn’s idea that flowers say everything.

1918 – so the phrase was pretty new when Wodehouse spoofed it. Why am I mentioning it? Because late in the story, after getting locked out of the castle in the middle of the night, and spending some time chucking pebbles at windows hoping to wake someone up who can let him in, becoming slightly delirious, Baxter progresses to bigger things:

It seemed to Rupert Baxter that he had been standing there throwing pebbles through a nightmare eternity. The whole universe had now become concentrated in his efforts to rouse that log-like sleeper; and for a brief instant fatigue left him, driven away by a sort of Berserk fury… This was no time for pebbles. Pebbles were feeble and inadequate. With one voice the birds, the breezes, the grasshoppers, the whole chorus of Nature waking to another day seemed to shout to him, ‘Say it with flower-pots!’

Psmith’s funny lines

It may be purely subjective, I may be as dim as Bertie Wooster, but my impression is that Psmith gets funnier as the novel proceeds, and almost all the final scenes are hilarious, existing almost entirely to give him a stream of very funny lines:

‘I take it, then, that you would prefer to dispense with the usual formalities. In that case, I will park this revolver on the mantelpiece while we chat. I have taken a curious dislike to the thing. It makes me feel like Dangerous Dan McGrew.’

And:

‘This,’ said Psmith, ‘is becoming more and more gratifying every moment. It seems to me that you and I were made for each other. I am your best friend’s best friend and we both have a taste for stealing other people’s jewellery. I cannot see how you can very well resist the conclusion that we are twin-souls.’

And:

‘If you attempt to edge out through that door I shall immediately proceed to plug Comrade Cootes in the leg. At least, I shall try. I am a poor shot and may hit him in some more vital spot, but at least he will have the consolation of knowing that I did my best and meant well.’

Audiobook

There’s an excellent audiobook, read by the lovely character actor Jonathan Cecil.

Fin

‘So that’s that!’ she said.
Psmith looked up with a bright and friendly smile.
‘You have a very happy gift of phrase,’ he said. ‘That, as you sensibly say, is that.’


Credit

‘Leave it to Psmith’ by P.G. Wodehouse was published in 1923 by Herbert Jenkins. I read it online.

Related links

Related reviews

Life for whatever girl might eventually decide to risk it in Psmith’s company would never be dull.

Right Ho, Jeeves by P.G. Wodehouse (1934)

The exquisite code of politeness of the Woosters prevented me clipping her one on the ear-hole, but I would have given a shilling to be able to do it.

I curbed my resentment. We Woosters are fair-minded. We can make allowances for men who have been parading London all night in scarlet tights.

‘No. It is too late. Remarks have been passed about my tummy which it is impossible to overlook.’

I must say for Jeeves that—till, as he is so apt to do, he starts shoving his oar in and cavilling and obstructing—he makes a very good audience. I don’t know if he is actually agog, but he looks agog, and that’s the great thing.

‘Right Ho, Jeeves’ is the second of the 11 full-length Jeeves and Wooster novels by P.G. Wodehouse. After the first novel took the characters off to the Somerset estate of Chuffy Chuffnell, this is a return to the more familiar setting of London, but the basic motor of the plot remains the same: one of Bertie Wooster’s old school friends falls in love, triggering a world of problems and complications which can only be solved by the miraculous powers of Jeeves. In this case the young chap in trouble is the unworldly nature fan, Gussie Fink-Nottle who has fallen in love with Madeline

All the usual mannerisms are here: farcical plots based on the complicated misunderstandings of posh young people falling in love and managing their eccentric parents, all refracted through the ludicrously upper class attitude of the wonderfully dim and self-deluding narrator, the upper-class idler Bertram ‘Bertie’ Wooster. And all the usual stylistic elements:

Comically dim references to classical literature

‘Well, let me tell you that the man that hath no music in himself…’ I stepped to the door. ‘Jeeves,’ I called down the passage, ‘what was it Shakespeare said the man who hadn’t music in himself was fit for?’
‘Treasons, stratagems, and spoils, sir.’
‘Thank you, Jeeves.’

It’s a running gag that Bertie regularly wants to quote some gem of English literature but can never remember the details:

I remember when I was a kid at school having to learn a poem of sorts about a fellow named Pig-something—a sculptor he would have been, no doubt—who made a statue of a girl, and what should happen one morning but that the bally thing suddenly came to life.

Bertie forgets his words

Forgetting famous quotations is just one aspect of the broader comic topos of Bertie constantly forgetting the words for things:

There you will be, up on that platform, a romantic, impressive figure, the star of the whole proceedings, the what-d’you-call-it of all eyes.

‘Come, come, Tuppy, don’t let us let this little chat become acrid. Is ‘acrid’ the word I want?’

There’s a word beginning with r——“re” something——“recal” something—No, it’s gone. But what I am driving at is that is what this Angela was showing herself.

And needing to be corrected, generally by Jeeves:

She proceeded to develop her theme, speaking in ringing, enthusiastic tones, as if she loved the topic. Jeeves could tell you the word I want. I think it’s “ecstatic”, unless that’s the sort of rash you get on your face and have to use ointment for.

And:

‘To be quite candid, Jeeves, I have frequently noticed before now a tendency or disposition on your part to become—what’s the word?’
‘I could not say, sir.’
‘Eloquent? No, it’s not eloquent. Elusive? No, it’s not elusive. It’s on the tip of my tongue. Begins with an ‘e’ and means being a jolly sight too clever.’
‘Elaborate, sir?’
‘That is the exact word I was after. Too elaborate, Jeeves.’

And:

‘What do you call it when two people of opposite sexes are bunged together in close association in a secluded spot, meeting each other every day and seeing a lot of each other?’
‘Is ‘propinquity’ the word you wish, sir?’
‘It is. I stake everything on propinquity, Jeeves. Propinquity, in my opinion, is what will do the trick.’

Jeeves’s command of vocabulary is a small but significant aspect of his overall command of all situations. Jeeves’s interventions to correct Bertie’s speech, to suggest the correct word or phrase, to supply the quotations Bertie has forgotten, these are all verbal indications or equivalents of his role in the stories, which is to be the still point around which all the stormy plot complications rage.

And it’s not just on Bertie; the narrative notes Jeeves’s effect on everyone’s vocabulary:

‘Well, it’s a matter of psychology, he said.’
There was a time when a remark like that would have had me snookered. But long association with Jeeves has developed the Wooster vocabulary considerably.

The ‘the’

A really prominent part of Bertie’s diction (defined as: ‘the choice and use of words and phrases in speech or writing’) is his insistent use of ‘the’ where everyone else would use a personal pronoun such as ‘my’, ‘his’ and so on.

Until she spoke them, I had been all sweetness and light—the sympathetic nephew prepared to strain every nerve to do his bit. I now froze, and the face became hard and set.

Tuppy, old man. Your tone shocks me. One raises the eyebrows.

He did a sort of twiddly on the turf with his foot. And, when he spoke, one spotted the tremolo in the voice.

I stroked the chin thoughtfully.

The face was pale, the eyes gooseberry-like, the ears drooping, and the whole aspect that of a man who has passed through the furnace and been caught in the machinery

Bertram in the third person

There are the many times Bertie refers to himself in the third person, mockingly but also seriously, as ‘Bertram’, both in the narrative and in dialogue with others.

‘You have Bertram Wooster in your corner, Gussie.’

Bertram Wooster is not accustomed to this gluttonous appetite for his society.

Nobody is more eager to oblige deserving aunts than Bertram Wooster, but there are limits, and sharply defined limits, at that.

Well, as anybody at the Drones will tell you, Bertram Wooster is a pretty hard chap to outgeneral.

The Woosters

In the same spirit, Bertie strews his narrative with many comically mock heroic references to his family.

I mean to say, while firmly resolved to tick him off, I didn’t want to gash his feelings too deeply. Even when displaying the iron hand, we Woosters like to keep the thing fairly matey.

Half a dozen sentences start with the formula ‘we Woosters’ before going on to boast of their accomplishments.

A Wooster’s word is his bond. Woosters may quail, but they do not edge out.

I had won the victory, and we Woosters do not triumph over a beaten foe.

We Woosters are men of tact and have a nice sense of the obligations of a host

When we Woosters put our hands to the plough, we do not readily sheathe the sword.

Slang

Slang is language at play. It is so enjoyable because it represents energy and life and is often very funny, as, for example, in rhyming slang. Wodehouse’s stories are characterised from start to finish by their extreme deployment, their barrage, of upper-class slang, which is endlessly inventive and amusing.

The mystery had conked. I saw all.

Not to put too fine a point upon it, I consider that of all the dashed silly, drivelling ideas I ever heard in my puff this is the most blithering and futile.

‘I like your crust, wiring that you would come next year or whenever it was. You’re coming now.’

The way I look at it is that, as the thing is bound to be a frost, anyway, one may as well get a hearty laugh out of it.

But I claim the right to have a pop at these problems, as they arise, in person, without having everybody behave as if Jeeves was the only onion in the hash.

I was heart and soul in favour of healing the breach and rendering everything hotsy-totsy once more between these two young sundered blighters.

The pathos of the thing gave me the pip.

He was smelling a rose at the moment in a limp sort of way, but removed the beak as I approached.

We had hit the great open spaces at a moment when twilight had not yet begun to cheese it in favour of the shades of night.

This time she shook the pumpkin.

Abbreviations

An increasingly prominent category of slang is abbreviations, abbreviating a word down to just one syllable or, increasingly often, just to one letter, ‘conspic. by its a.’ being an instance which combines both types. The abbreviated syllables cropped up in some of the short stories but I think these one-letter abbreviations only make their first appearance in the first novel i.e. are a newish innovation.

One syllable

Anybody been phoning or calling or anything during my abs.?

In the circs., no doubt, a certain moodiness was only natural.

‘No, Jeeves. No more. Enough has been said. Let us drop the subj.’

The persp., already bedewing my brow, became a regular Niagara.

‘Could?’ I said, for my attensh had been wandering.

‘I don’t suppose she said two words to anybody else, except, of course, idle conv. at the crowded dinner table.’

His manifest pippedness excited my compash, and I ventured a kindly word.

One letter

‘I wouldn’t have thought that this Fink-Nottle would ever have fallen a victim to the divine p, but, if he has, no wonder he finds the going sticky.’

However, on consideration, I saw that there was nothing to be gained by trying to lead up to it gently. It is never any use beating about the b.

I took another oz. of the life-saving and inclined my head.

I could see at a g. that the unfortunate affair had got in amongst her in no uncertain manner. Her usually cheerful map was clouded, and the genial smile conspic. by its a.

There was no play of expression on his finely chiselled to indicate it. There very seldom is on Jeeves’s f-c.

Presently I was sauntering towards the drawing-room with the good old j. nestling snugly abaft the shoulder blades.

In the stress of recent happenings I had rather let that prize-giving business slide to the back of my mind; but I had speedily recovered and, as I say, was able to reply with a manly d.f.

‘This habit of the younger g. of scattering ‘darlings’ about like birdseed is one that I deprecate.’

‘I assumed that you were apologizing for your foul conduct in looping back the last ring that night in the Drones, causing me to plunge into the swimming b. in the full soup and fish.’

Old Pop Kipling never said a truer word than when he made that crack about the f. of the s. being more d. than the m.

Binge

A note on the word ‘binge’ which in Bertie’s hands, sometimes means simply party or ‘do’ (synonymous with ‘beano’); but at other times means something more like that other fashionable ’20s and ’30s word, ‘stunt’.

a) Party

This birthday binge of his was to be on a scale calculated to stagger humanity…

These country binges are all the same. A piano, one fiddle, and a floor like sandpaper.

b) More general event

‘Gussie,’ I said, ‘take an old friend’s advice, and don’t go within a mile of this binge.’

I had told Jeeves that this binge would be fraught with interest, and it was fraught with interest.

Those interruptions had been enough to prove to the perspicacious that here, seated on the platform at the big binge of the season, was one who, if pushed forward to make a speech, might let himself go in a rather epoch-making manner.

The Drones club

Bertie is a member of the Drones Club, a collection of like-minded posh wastrels. It’s been mentioned before, but felt a bit more prominent in this book.

I sent this [telegram] off on my way to the Drones, where I spent a restful afternoon throwing cards into a top-hat with some of the better element.

I remember Cats-meat Potter-Pirbright bringing a police rattle into the Drones one night and loosing it off behind my chair…

I sang as I dressed for dinner that night. At the Drones I was so gay and cheery that there were several complaints.

Long association with the members of the Drones has put me pretty well in touch with the various ways in which an overdose of the blushful Hippocrene can take the individual…

Bertie’s memoirs

It’s a small thing, but I’m struck by the detail that Bertie refers to the texts we’re reading as his memoirs.

If you have followed these memoirs of mine with the proper care, you will be aware that I have frequently had occasion to emphasise the fact that Aunt Dahlia is all right.

This self-consciousness about the status and genre of the text – mentioning their format and motivation – harks back to Victorian story-tellers and is just one way in which it echoes Conan Doyle.

Echoes of Sherlock: cases, clients and methods

Surprisingly, Sherlock Holmes casts a long shadow over Wodehouse. For example Bertie, author of ‘these memoirs’ (much as Dr Watson is the author of the Holmes accounts), routinely refers to the challenges and problems which make up the plot as ‘cases‘ (exactly as Watson refers to Holmes’s cases). (To be fair, plenty of other detectives used the same word, but it’s Holmes they most remind us of.)

My report of the complex case of Gussie Fink-Nottle, Madeline Bassett, my Cousin Angela, my Aunt Dahlia, my Uncle Thomas, young Tuppy Glossop and the cook, Anatole.

I nodded. ‘I remember. Yes, I recall the Sipperley case.’

He deliberately echoes Watson’s way of referring to Holmes’s cases when he talks about ‘the Sipperley Case, the Episode of My Aunt Agatha and the Dog McIntosh, and the smoothly handled Affair of Uncle George and The Barmaid’s Niece’.

They are so much conceived of as ‘cases’ that they need to be handled.

‘In handling the case of Augustus Fink-Nottle, we must keep always in mind the fact that we are dealing with a poop.’

Only a couple of days ago I was compelled to take him off a case because his handling of it was so footling.

And it’s not just the concept of ‘cases’ which echo the Holmes stories but his deliberate description of the people who come to him9 with their problems as ‘clients’.

In the excitement of getting Gussie fixed up I had rather forgotten about this other client. It is often that way when you’re trying to run two cases at once.

He jokingly refers to the way so many of his friends consult Jeeves about their problems that he in effect runs ‘a consulting practice’.

That’s how these big consulting practices like Jeeves’s grow. When he’s got A out of a bad spot, A puts B on to him. And then, when he has fixed up B, B sends C along. And so on, if you get my drift, and so forth.

At one point Wodehouse has Bertie deliberately citing a very famous quote which occurs in several the Holmes stories:

‘You know my methods, Jeeves. Apply them.’

And at not one but several points, the comparison is made absolutely explicit:

One can’t give the raspberry to a client. I mean, you didn’t find Sherlock Holmes refusing to see clients just because he had been out late the night before at Doctor Watson’s birthday party.

Or when Jeeves explains to Bertie that:

‘Possibly you may recollect that it was an axiom of the late Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s fictional detective, Sherlock Holmes, that the instinct of everyone, upon an alarm of fire, is to save the object dearest to them.’

The plot

Bertie returns to London from a holiday in Cannes spent in the company of his Aunt Dahlia Travers, her daughter Angela and her soppy friend, Madeline Bassett.

The white mess jacket

Before I get too far I need to mention that Bertie brought back from Cannes a white mess jacket (with brass buttons) and that when Jeeves sees it he takes strong objection to it. As you know, this squabble about clothes happens in many of the short stories and always follows the same pattern: the subject is established near the start, Bertie insists he’s going to put his foot down and stand no nonsense from Jeeves, then Jeeves repeatedly saves the day getting Bertie and chums out of dire situations, so that at the conclusion Bertie is so overcome with gratitude that he caves in to Jeeves and gets rid of the offending article of clothing.

Jeeves advises Gussie Fink-Nottle

Anyway, on his return he discovers that in his absence, his valet, Jeeves, has been advising Bertie’s old school friend, Gussie Fink-Nottle about a love affair. Gussie is an anti-social teetotaller who lives out in the countryside where he devotes himself to caring for newts. What has brought him to London is that he is smitten with the wet fish Madeline but is too timid to propose.

Fancy dress

When Bertie gets back to his flat after an evening at the Drones club, he discovers Gussie in conversation with Jeeves and dressed as (the devil) Mephistopheles. This is because Madeline has invited him to attend a fancy-dress ball and Jeeves has advised he doesn’t go as the standard poshboy outfit of Pierrot but something more virile and dashing (he had originally suggested a pirate outfit but Gussie ‘objected to the boots’).

In the event the fancy dress scheme is a washout because Gussie is so useless. He is staying in London with his uncle and takes a cab to the party, dressed as the devil, but en route realises he’s left his money back at his uncle’s. He thinks he’ll tap someone at the party to pay the taxi but when they arrive he finds he’s got the wrong address and the butler at the big house they’ve arrived at disclaims all knowledge of any party. He can’t even go back to his uncle’s because all the servants have been given the night off and he’s forgotten his key. So the best he can do is try to run off without paying the cab. But when the driver grabs his coat and pulls it off, Gussy is revealed in all his glory as the devil, freaking the driver out and terrifying passersby. So not, on the whole, the most successful of evenings.

Aunt Dahlia requests

The next theme is introduced when Bertie receives a telegram from his Aunt Dahlia demanding that he go down to her country seat immediately. When Bertie is too dim to do this, she storms up to London, into his flat and trumpets her plan at him: she is a governor of the local grammar school, Market Snodsbury Grammar School, which is due to have its summer prize-giving ceremony the next month and she wants Bertie to give the prizes. Incidentally, Aunt Dahlia calls Bertie:

  • you old ass
  • you maddening half-wit
  • a fathead
  • greedy young pig
  • poor fish
  • abysmal chump
  • eyesore
  • ‘What a pest you are, you miserable object,’ she sighed

Gussie leaves for Brinkley Court

Next morning young Gussie comes round to Bertie’s flat, and Bertie solemnly ticks him off for listening to Jeeves and not to him, Bertie. (This is hubris. We know that all Bertie’s plans end in disaster and that time after time he is only saved by Jeeves’s ingenuity.) Then Gussie informs him that his beloved Madeline is leaving London anyway. She’s going to the country, to stay with a family named Travers at a place called Brinkley Court! This is, of course, the home of Aunt Dahlia!!

So Bertie has, what for him, is a brainwave, sees he can kill two birds with one stone. First he tells Gussie he’ll get him an invite to Brinkley Hall so he can go see his lady love. But then he telegrams to Aunt Dahlia saying he is indisposed/too busy to perform the prize-giving she bullied him into, but has found a replacement, by which he of course means Gussie.

Bertie is summoned to Brinkley Court

All appears settled but the next thing that happens is that Bertie receives an anguished telegram from Aunt Dahlia telling him that the long-planned engagement between her daughter Angela and Tuppy Glossop has been cancelled. The couple has fallen out. Apparently he said that her new hat made her look like a Pekinese dog. But what clinched it is that during her holiday in Cannes, Angela was attacked by a shark (this is played for laughs although ever since the 1977 movie of the same name, no-one thinks a shark attack is funny) but when she retold the story, Tuppy mockingly said it was probably just a log, or a flatfish at most. Which led Angela to reply that he ought to lay off the carbs as he was getting pretty lardy. And so the argument unravelled.

The reader is a bit surprised that this appears to be a big enough crisis that Bertie feels obliged to hot foot it down to Brinkley Court to comfort his aunt. Here she lays out her troubles:

  • Tuppy and Angela have broken off their engagement
  • she has to find someone to conduct the school prize-giving
  • her husband just received a whopping income tax bill (which he is convinced symbolises the end of British civilisation as we known it)
  • at the same moment that she needs to find £500 to keep her magazine, Milady’s Boudoir, afloat
  • but that in fact he gave her the necessary money but she lost it playing baccarat at Cannes, and can’t pluck up the courage to tell him

It’s important to emphasise that Aunt Dahlia thinks Bertie is a complete clot, thinks that every plan he suggests, in fact almost everything he says, is unmitigated idiocy. And that she prefers Jeeves. In fact it’s a recurring comic trope that everyone Bertie talks to sooner or later thanks him for coming but asks where Jeeves is. This begins to really rile Bertie.

The dinner refusal

Later, talking to Tuppy, Bertie comes up with a cunning plan. He will advise Tuppy to refuse dinner that evening, the point being is it will be a dinner cooked by Anatole, the legendary chef. And this unprecedented gesture well convince Angela he has gone off his food for love of her. And they’ll be reconciled.

When Aunt Dahlia comes to him, saying she’s had no opportunity of talking to her husband about the lost money, Bertie advises her to push away Anatole’s dinner, in order to persuade Uncle Tom how upset she is.

And when Gussie comes to him for help in wooing Madeline, he advises him to reject Anatole’s meal with the same aim in mind.

Unfortunately this cunning plan backfires big time because Anatole, like all culinary geniuses, is very sensitive, and when dish after dish is brought back to the kitchen untouched, the Frenchman decides it is a deliberate snub to his skills and quits! Vowing to return to his native Provence. Which pitches Tom Travers into depths of misery because his stomach was ruined by long years living Out East and Anatole is the only cook who can make dishes acceptable to Tom’s sensitive tum-tum.

Aunt Dahlia suggests suicide

Which is why when he next sees Aunt Dahlia she cheerfully suggests that he goes and drowns himself in the nearby pond. the plan failed for both Tuppy and Gussie as well.

So, as you can see, what we have here is five or six ‘issues’, problems or, as Bertie puts it, ‘cases’, which he sets out to solve with increasingly wayward results until, of course, finally, Jeeves steps in and saves the day.

But first things have to get worse before they can get better. And so:

1. Bertie roasts Tuppy

Bertie has the bright idea of using reverse psychology on Angela, taking her out into the garden and slagging off Tuppy to her, with the idea that she will jump to his defence. Unfortunately, the more Bertie vilifies Tuppy, the more Angela agrees with him, concluding she was wise to dump him before heading indoors. It’s at that moment that, as in a stage farce, Tuppy himself emerges from the bushes nearby where he heard every word, and proceeds to chase Bertie round the garden bench, with a view to smashing his face in.

The thing is Tuppy not only heard Bertie slagging him off but has become convinced that Angela is in love with another man and when Bertie innocently remarks that he (Bertie) and Angela were inseparable in their two-month holiday at Cannes, Tuppy puts 2 and 2 together and concludes that Angela dumped him because she is really in love with Bertie. Obviously Bertie goes to great lengths to emphasis that this isn’t true, but Tuppy still insists on thinking there must be some other man…

2. The drunken prize-giving

In an obvious set-piece, Gussie undertakes the prize-giving at the local grammar school (which Bertie had adroitly ducked) completely drunk. How come? Bertie has the disastrous idea that Gussie is failing to propose to Madeline because he is so cripplingly shy and the way to circumvent this is to pop some booze in his daily orange juice. Bertie starts from the comic premise that no man in his right mind would give up his bachelor freedom for the married state, or could bring himself to spout loads of romantic nonsense – and therefore a chap needs to be well-oiled to even try. The first problem is that, before he gets to the spiked orange juice, Gussie takes Bertie’s advice to heart and swigs half a bottle of Scotch. Realising this Bertie then tries to hide the spiked OJ but when his back is turned, Gussie swigs this as well.

Thus he is completely trolleyed when he is motored to the school by Aunt Dahlia and Uncle Tom (Jeeves and Bertie following in the latter’s car). There follows exactly the kind of comic set-piece you might expect, with Gussie shown to the place of honour on the stage in front of a hundred silent schoolboys and all their parents and proceeding, of course, to make an ass of himself.

3. The girls get engaged to the wrong men

When Gussie starts to single Bertie out for criticism from the stage, our hero legs it, gets back to Brinkley and goes for a lie-down. When he rises for dinner, he is astonished to learn that a) Angela has got engaged to drunken Gussie (!!!) and b) Madeline has gotten it into her head that she (Madeline) is engaged to Bertie. This is because the day before Bertie took her into the garden and described how there was someone staying at the house whose heart beat deeply for her – and listening to her vapourings about fairies and stars. Obviously he intended to be selling her on Gussie but Madeline got the wrong end of the stick and thinks i) he is in love with her and ii) his witless ramblings amounted to a proposal!

Aunt Dahlia is delighted

One silver lining in all this is that Aunt Dahlia, instead of being outraged at Gussie’s drunken shambles of a presentation speech, thought it was immensely entertaining, not least because he singled out her husband, Tom, for some drunken criticism, and then accused Bertie of cheating at school (in order to win the much-coveted Scripture Prize, which Bertie is very proud of and keeps reminding us of, mainly because it was the peak of his academic career). As she puts it:

‘What was there to be peeved about? I took the whole thing as a great compliment, proud to feel that any drink from my cellars could have produced such a majestic jag. It restores one’s faith in post-war whisky.’

Also, after a day of beseeching and wheedling, Dahlia has managed to persuade Anatole to withdraw his resignation. Tom (of the gyppy tummy) is delighted and so is the Aunt.

But no sooner has she finished explaining this than her butler, Seppings, enters the room to ask whether my lady gave permission for Gussie to be on the roof, making rude faces through the skylight of Anatole’s bedroom. There’s a little comic pastiche as Wodehouse describes Bertie, Aunt Dahlia and Seppings in the manner of racehorses charging up the stairs to see who can get to Anatole’s attic room first. (Aunt Dahlia won by a short head. Half a staircase separated second and third.)

At long last, Bertie asks Jeeves

Maybe I’d had a particularly trying day at work, but eventually all this farcical complexity began to wear a little. Wooster by himself eventually gets a bit much; it’s the dynamic between him and Jeeves which is so priceless. For most of this novel Bertie is not just narrating but the active protagonist of all the plot developments and this eventually starts to feel a bit monotonous.

Finally, about 83% into the text (according to my Kindle edition) Bertie swallows his pride and asks Jeeves if he can think of a way out of the terrible mess everything’s got into.

The fire alarm stunt

Jeeves proposes the old fire alarm stunt i.e. ring the house’s (very large) alarm bell as if there’s a fire, on the principle that the two erring couples will run to save each other and True Love be revealed.

The bell ringing goes easily enough but when all the inhabitants have evacuated the building and are standing around on the lawn, none of the estranged couples have gotten together. Seems like a failure.

Aunt Dahlia is amused at Bertie’s idiocy and doesn’t even mind too much when it is revealed that the front door has blown shut and all the other windows and doors are locked. Nobody has a spare key. Why not call the staff or ask the butler? Because the entire staff have gone off to Kingham Manor, the stately-home belonging to the Stretchley-Budd family, who are hosting a big dance party for servants. So it looks like all the posh inhabitants are going to have to spend the night on the lawn and everyone, accordingly, blames Bertie.

They have the bright idea to motor over to Kingham Manor to get the keys off the butler until they discover that the garage, also, is locked up and the chauffeur off at the party.

It’s at this point the Jeeves makes the suggestion that Bertie should cycle over to Kingham Manor and get the front door key. Bertie puts up every sort of objection, but Aunt Dahlia imperiously commands him to go. It’s a nightmare journey 9 miles along country lanes in the dark but there is a surprise in store. For when Bertie finally arrives at Kingham Manor, makes his way to the dance, identifies the butler and interrupts his dance, the man tells him he doesn’t have the key. More astonishing still, he tells Bertie that he gave the key to Jeeves!

Astonished and then furiously angry, Bertie sets off, with a saddle-sore bum and aching legs, the 9 mile return journey. but when he pulls up outside Brinkley Manor he discovers everyone has gone inside. And the person who answers the front door is wet Madeline who, to his vast relief, gaspingly asks Bertie to release her from their vow (their engagement that never was). This is because she realises that all along she has been bearing the flame of true love for Gussie, and wants to marry him. Bertie is amazed and relieved.

Next person he meets is Tuppy, breezily coming up from the wine cellar with bottles under his arm, who tells him they’re having a little party in the drawing room. As to the disagreement with Angela, all has been forgiven and forgotten and they are re-engaged.

As to Aunt Dahlia she is delighted because Anatole has finally decided to stay, which delights Uncle Tom so much that he has happily given her the £500 she needs to save her magazine.

In fact all the issues which have been plaguing the book have been completely sorted while Bertie was away. Of course he soon bumps into Jeeves and is too amazed at this reversal of fortune to be cross with him. And Jeeves explains: he explains that his family used to have a relative they all loved to hate; whenever she was around, she united the family in their dislike of her. Well, that’s what Jeeves did to Bertie. He let him go ahead with the fire alarm stunt precisely because it was such a bad idea that it would bring everyone together in complaining about him. Even more so when they could all complain about it being his fault they were all locked out of the house.

So while Bertie was cycling off, this rallying round a common hate figure made everyone forget their grievances and, once they’d done that, they naturally gravitated towards the people they really loved.

‘It occurred to me that were you, sir, to be established as the person responsible for the ladies and gentlemen being forced to spend the night in the garden, everybody would take so strong a dislike to you that in this common sympathy they would sooner or later come together.’

Then, when Jeeves ‘found’ the front door key (which he had had on him all the time) and it became obvious that Bertie’s long bicycle odyssey was pointless, they switched from hatred to humour and then feeling sorry for him. So by the time Bertie arrived back the bad feeling that had brought them together had evaporated and he was once again regarded as a harmless buffoon.

Very, very clever. Typically double-edged or multi-layered solution from Jeeves. And in the same way, Bertie’s anger which he nursed all the way back from the dance, dissipates when he sees the magical effects of Jeeves’s trick.

And one last thing: the clothes stunt. Like so many of the short stories, the argument between Jeeves and Bertie over an item of clothing the latter loves and the former loathes, is, as usual, decided in Jeeves’s favour. He regretfully informs Bertie that he accidentally burned the mess jacket while ironing it. To be honest, this is not a particularly clever way of solving the clothes issue; in other stories the destruction of the contentious item of clothing is intimately tied up with the denouement of the plt. Here it is just bolted on as a completely separate event. Still, as Bertie slangily sums the whole thing up:

‘The place is positively stiff with happy endings.’

The cast

  • Bertie Wooster – private school, Eton and Oxford, an ass and an idiot with a comically inflated sense of his own abilities
  • Jeeves – his valet
  • Augustus ‘Gussie’ Fink-Nottle – timid and anti-social, lives in Lincolnshire with his newts – ‘one of those timid, obsequious, teacup-passing, thin-bread-and-butter-offering yes-men whom women of my Aunt Dahlia’s type nearly always like at first sight’ – according to Bertie, ‘wabbling, shrinking, diffident rabbit in human shape’
  • Miss Madeline Bassett – only daughter of Sir Watkyn Bassett CBE – ‘a pretty enough girl in a droopy, blonde, saucer-eyed way, but not the sort of breath-taker that takes the breath’
  • Aunt Dahlia of Brinkley Court aka Mrs Travers, married to Tom Travers, editor of Milady’s Boudoir, ‘a large, genial soul, with whom it is a pleasure to hob-nob’
  • Uncle Tom Travers – Aunt Dahlia’s husband – ‘who always looked a bit like a pterodactyl with a secret sorrow’
    • Seppings – Aunt Dahlia’s butler, a cold, unemotional man
    • Anatole – Aunt Dahlia’s legendary cook – ‘a tubby little man with a moustache of the outsize or soup-strainer type, and you can generally take a line through it as to the state of his emotions. When all is well, it turns up at the ends like a sergeant-major’s. When the soul is bruised, it droops’
    • Waterbury – their chauffeur
  • Hildebrand ‘Tuppy’ Glossop – ‘was the fellow who, callously ignoring the fact that we had been friends since boyhood, betted me one night at the Drones that I could swing myself across the swimming bath by the rings—a childish feat for one of my lissomeness—and then, having seen me well on the way, looped back the last ring, thus rendering it necessary for me to drop into the deep end in formal evening costume’ – ‘In build and appearance, Tuppy somewhat resembles a bulldog’
  • Pongo Twistleton – fellow member of the Drones Club whose birthday party goes on late into the night with the result that Bertie has a crushing hangover when Aunt Dahlia storms into his bedroom demanding that he officiate at her prize-giving

The Freudian presence

As you know I’ve been collecting references in 1920s and 1930s popular literature to Freud and Freudian ideas.

The nibs who study these matters claim, I believe, that this has got something to do with the subconscious mind, and very possibly they may be right. I wouldn’t have said off-hand that I had a subconscious mind, but I suppose I must without knowing it, and no doubt it was there, sweating away diligently at the old stand, all the while the corporeal Wooster was getting his eight hours. For directly I opened my eyes on the morrow, I saw daylight. Well, I don’t mean that exactly, because naturally I did. What I mean is that I found I had the thing all mapped out. The good old subconscious m. had delivered the goods.

And:

Jeeves, when I discussed the matter with him later, said it was something to do with inhibitions, if I caught the word correctly, and the suppression of, I think he said, the ego. What he meant, I gathered, was that, owing to the fact that Gussie had just completed a five years’ stretch of blameless seclusion among the newts, all the goofiness which ought to have been spread out thin over those five years and had been bottled up during that period came to the surface on this occasion in a lump—or, if you prefer to put it that way, like a tidal wave.

Jeeves’s miraculous mode of transportation

My private belief, as I think I have mentioned before, is that Jeeves doesn’t have to open doors. He’s like one of those birds in India who bung their astral bodies about—the chaps, I mean, who having gone into thin air in Bombay, reassemble the parts and appear two minutes later in Calcutta. Only some such theory will account for the fact that he’s not there one moment and is there the next. He just seems to float from Spot A to Spot B like some form of gas.

Jeeves’s character

One thing I have never failed to hand the man. He is magnetic. There is about him something that seems to soothe and hypnotize. To the best of my knowledge, he has never encountered a charging rhinoceros, but should this contingency occur, I have no doubt that the animal, meeting his eye, would check itself in mid-stride, roll over and lie purring with its legs in the air.

Choice phrases

She unshipped a sigh that sounded like the wind going out of a rubber duck.

You can’t expect an empty aunt to beam like a full aunt.

It isn’t often that Aunt Dahlia, normally as genial a bird as ever encouraged a gaggle of hounds to get their noses down to it, lets her angry passions rise, but when she does, strong men climb trees and pull them up after them.

Hunting, if indulged in regularly over a period of years, is a pastime that seldom fails to lend a fairly deepish tinge to the patient’s complexion, and her best friends could not have denied that even at normal times the relative’s map tended a little toward the crushed strawberry. But never had I seen it take on so pronounced a richness as now. She looked like a tomato struggling for self-expression.


Credit

‘Right Ho, Jeeves’ was published in 1934 by Herbert Jenkins. I read it online.

Related links

Related reviews

Thank You, Jeeves by P.G. Wodehouse (1934)

‘Can you keep a secret?’
‘No.’

‘Bertie.’
‘Hallo?’
‘Ever been hit over the head with a chair?’
‘No.’
‘Well, you soon may be.’
I began to see she was in difficult mood.

‘If cooks would stick to their roasts and hashes,’ I said rather severely, ‘and not waste their time in
psychical research, life would be a very different thing.’

‘Mr Wooster is an agreeable young gentleman, but I would describe him as essentially one of Nature’s bachelors.’

After writing 35 short stories about Jeeves and Wooster (1915 to 1930), ‘Thank You, Jeeves’ is the first of the 11 full-length Jeeves and Wooster novels Wodehouse wrote. All the mannerisms we saw in the short stories are here: farcical plots based on the complicated misunderstandings of posh young people falling in love and managing their eccentric parents, all refracted through the ludicrously upper class attitude of the wonderfully dim and self-deluding narrator, the upper-class idler Bertram ‘Bertie’ Wooster. And all the usual stylistic elements:

Comically dim references to classical literature

‘Well, let me tell you that the man that hath no music in himself…’ I stepped to the door. ‘Jeeves,’ I called down the passage, ‘what was it Shakespeare said the man who hadn’t music in himself was fit for?’
‘Treasons, stratagems, and spoils, sir.’
‘Thank you, Jeeves. Is fit for treasons, stratagems, and spoils,’ I said, returning.

And:

‘Jeeves,’ I recollect saying, on returning to the apartment, ‘who was the fellow who on looking at
something felt like somebody looking at something? I learned the passage at school, but it has escaped me.’
‘I fancy the individual you have in mind, sir, is the poet Keats, who compared his emotions on first reading Chapman’s Homer to those of stout Cortez when with eagle eyes he stared at the Pacific’

So it’s a running gag that Bertie regularly wants to quote some gem of English literature but can never remember the actual details. And a variation on it is when characters (often but not always Bertie) offer to quote literary classics at inopportune moments and are told to shut up.

‘What you want on an occasion like this, Chuffy, old man,’ I said, ‘is simple faith. The poet Tennyson tells us…’
‘Shut up,’ said Chuffy. ‘

Or:

‘Feminine psychology is admittedly odd, sir. The poet Pope …’
‘Never mind about the poet Pope, Jeeves.’
‘No, sir.’
‘There are times when one wants to hear all about the poet Pope and times when one doesn’t.’
‘Very true, sir.’

Climaxing with:

‘Reminds one of that thing about Lo somebody’s name led all the rest.’
Jeeves coughed. He had that informative gleam of his in his eyes.
‘Abou ben Adhem, sir.’
‘Have I what? said old Stoker, puzzled.
‘The poem to which you allude relates to a certain Abou ben Adhem, who, according to the story, awoke one night from a deep dream of peace to find an angel…’
‘Get out!’ said old Stoker, very quietly.
‘Sir?’
‘Get out of this room before I murder you.’
‘Yes, sir.’
‘And take your angels with you.’
‘Very good, sir.’

Forgetting words

Forgetting famous quotations is one aspect of the broader comic topos of Bertie forgetting words and needing to be corrected.

I was impatient with this – what the dickens is the word I want?

Analysing this (if analysing is the word I want)…

What is Jeeves, after all? A valet. A salaried attendant. And a fellow simply can’t go on truckling – do I mean truckling? I know it begins with a ‘t’ – to his valet for ever.

I wished to disabuse him (if disabuse is what I’m driving at) of the idea that any such infatuation existed.

Most of the time he just sat and champed in a sort of dark silence, like a man with something on his mind. And when he did speak it was with a marked what-d’you-call-it.

What are those sore things people find themselves in?’
‘Straits, sir.’
‘I am in the sorest straits, Jeeves.

‘No imagination, that kid. No vision. I’ve often noticed it. His fancy is – what’s the word?’
‘Pedestrian, sir?’
‘Exactly.

‘Jeeves,’ I said, ‘we require your co-operation and advice.’
‘Very good, sir.’
‘To begin with, let me give you a brief synopsis… do I mean synopsis?’
‘Yes, sir. Synopsis is perfectly correct.’
‘… a brief synopsis, then, of the position of affairs.’

‘You wanted to hit him over the head with a spade or something. All wrong. What is needed here is… what’s the word, Jeeves?’
‘Finesse, sir.’
‘Exactly. Carry on, Jeeves.’

The ‘the’

A really prominent part of Bertie’s diction (defined as: ‘the choice and use of words and phrases in speech or writing’) is his insistent use of ‘the’ where a possessive pronoun such as ‘my’ or ‘his’ would be more conventional;

I shook the head.

I raised the eyebrows.

I confess that it was in sombre mood that I assembled the stick, the hat, and the lemon-coloured some half-hour later and strode out into the streets of London.

I wouldn’t be exaggerating if I said that a great peace enveloped the soul.

Where Bertram could find only a tentative ‘Pip-pip!’ she bounded forward, full of speech, and grabbed the old hand warmly.

I wiped the brow. ‘Jeeves,’ I said, ‘this calls for careful thought.’

At seven on the dot, accordingly, I stepped aboard the yacht and handed the hat and light overcoat to a passing salt. It was with mixed feelings that I did so, for conflicting emotions were warring in the bosom.

It being reasonable to suppose by then that the coast was clear, I poked the head up over the desk.

The pride of the Woosters

Bertie’s comic exaggeration of his family’s, and his, abilities:

As I turned the corner into Piccadilly, I was a thing of fire and chilled steel; and I think in about another half-jiffy I should have been snorting, if not actually shouting the ancient battle cry of the Woosters, had I not observed on the skyline a familiar form.

This parting of the ways with Jeeves had made me feel a bit as if I had just stepped on a bomb and was trying to piece myself together again in a bleak world, but we Woosters can keep the stiff upper lip.

Half a dozen sentences start with the formula ‘we Woosters’ before going on to boast of their accomplishments. This exaggerated reverence of the Wooster lineage and qualities struck me as new-ish, or made more prominent for this book format.

Bertram

Then there are the many times he refers to himself in the third person, mockingly but also seriously, as ‘Bertram’.

Something was being kept from Bertram.

Nothing of the dog in the manger about Bertram.

There was something in his manner that gave me the idea that he considered Bertram eccentric.

Those who know Bertram Wooster best are aware that he is a man of sudden, strong enthusiasms and that, when in the grip of one of these, he becomes a remorseless machine – tense, absorbed, single-minded.

All this ‘pride of the Woosters’ and referring to himself in the third person like Julius Caesar is, of course, in stark contrast with the opinion of him held by all the other characters who, without exception, think him a fool and an idiot, ‘you poor goof’, ‘you poor ditherer’, ‘damned sooty-faced imbecile’ and many more. A typical opinion being:

‘Bertie!’ he [Chuffy] said, in a sort of moaning way. ‘My God! I might have guessed it would be you. You really are without exception the most completely drivelling lunatic that was ever at large.’

And:

Bertram Wooster is not accustomed to causing convulsions in the gentler sex. As a matter of fact, usually when girls see me, they incline rather to the amused smile, or, on occasion, to the weary sigh and the despairing ‘Oh, are you here again, Bertie?’

Registers

The book makes Bertie aware of the different registers or tones he uses i.e. characters notice and comment on it.

‘I always esteemed you most highly.’
‘You did what? Where do you pick up these expressions?’
‘Well, I suppose from Jeeves, mostly. My late man. He had a fine vocabulary.’

This influence Jeeves has on the speech patterns of those around him becomes a minor recurring theme. When Stoker talks to Bertie on his yacht, a few days after Jeeves has started working for him (Stoker), Bertie notices straightaway that his diction has improved, become more highfalutin’.

I mean to say, this man had had the advantage of Jeeves’s society for only about twenty-four hours, and here he was… talking just like him!

We see this in practice on the occasions when Jeeves explicitly corrects Bertie’s phraseology – or at least suggests alternative and better phrases. This becomes a running gag.

‘I admit that this change of heart is welcome. It has come at the right time. I shall accept his invitation. I regard it as…’
‘The amende honorable, sir?’
‘I was going to say olive branch.’
‘Or olive branch. The two terms are virtually synonymous. The French phrase I would be inclined to consider perhaps slightly the more exact in the circumstances – carrying with it, as it does, the implication of remorse, of the desire to make restitution. But if you prefer the expression “olive branch”, by all means employ it, sir.’
‘Thank you, Jeeves.’
‘Not at all, sir.’

Or:

‘Can’t you see? It’s all very well for old Stoker to talk – er—’
‘Glibly, sir?’
‘Airily.’
‘Airily or glibly, sir, whichever you prefer.’
‘It’s all very well for old Stoker to talk with airy glibness about marrying us off…’

Jeeves’s role as indicated by his language

Jeeves’s interventions to correct Bertie’s speech, to suggest the correct word or phrase, to supply the quotations Bertie has forgotten, all these are verbal indications or equivalents of his role in the stories.

To put it another way, all the characters have their own idiolects (‘the speech habits peculiar to a particular person’), from Bertie and Chuffy’s absurd poshness, through Sir Rodney Glossop’s outrage, the rough Cockney of the crook Brinkley, and the two examples of Americans – blustering millionaire J. Washburn Stoker and the affronted bright young woman tones of his American daughter, Pauline Stoker.

The point I’m trying to make is that Jeeves’s tone is always unshakeably factual, accurate and complete. Logical and clear and precise, with none of the slang all the other characters are liable to. So his speech is like a lighthouse on an island in a storm, battered by the raging idiolects of all around him, but shining a clear, logical light through every storm and fog. (‘I got the voices but I missed the play of expression. And I’d have given a lot to be able to see it. Not Jeeves’s, of course, because Jeeves never has any.’)

And this clarity of speech and thought is of course a verbal or tonal indicator of the structural role Jeeves plays in the stories, as the controlling mind who masters every situation and finds a solution to every problem.

Slang

Thus Jeeves stands completely aside from the bombardment of posh slang which characterises Bertie’s narrative (and often the dialogue of his posh friends).

As to slang, slang is (mostly) delightful because it is language cavorting and making free with itself. The best kind of slang is a sign of energy and life. And its domination of the text embodies the exuberance and delight of the stories. Whatever’s going on in the plot, we are always delighted with Bertie’s never-ending supply of inventive and entertaining phrases.

‘Jeeves has nothing to say on that or any other subject. We have parted brass-rags.’

‘He had the immortal rind to tell me that if I didn’t give up my banjolele he would resign.’

There never had been anyone like Jeeves, I felt, as I climbed sombrely into the soup and fish, and there never would be.

It was about as juicy a biff as I had had for years.

I removed the lid with as much courtly grace as I could muster up, but the face had coloured with embarrassment and I was more or less gasping for air.

I know that for years and years I have been trying to lend him of my plenty, but he has always steadfastly refused to put the bite on me.

‘Why all this fuss about money? After all, plenty of bust blokes have married oofy girls before now.’

I rose accordingly, and was just about to ankle upstairs…

It is plain to me that Miss Stoker is the one who will require the persuasive word, the nicely reasoned argument – in short, the old oil.

I mean to say, a fellow closely connected by ties of blood with a man who used to walk about on his hands is scarcely in a position, where the question of sanity is concerned, to put on dog and set himself up…

I emitted a hollow g.

I don’t know how long it was that I stood there, rooted to the s.

He stirred in the darkness. I fancy he was mopping the b.

The next moment I was feeling that nothing mattered in this world or the next except about a quart of coffee and all the eggs and b. you could cram onto a dish.

‘What I’m driving at is that you couldn’t by any stretch of the imag. call him slender and willowy.’

In my heart I was convinced that the fellow had gone off his onion.

He would have been on velvet.

I hitched myself into position forty-six in the hope that it would be easier on the f.p’s than the last forty-five, and had another shot at the dreamless.

Then the barrier of kipper gave way, and one of the most devastating yowls of terror I’ve ever heard in my puff ripped through the air.

These breathers with Brinkley take it out of a man.

When he spoke, there was something so subdued, so what you might call quavering, about his voice that I came within a toucher of placing a kindly arm round his shoulder and telling him to cheer up.

I could not only have scoured the face but could have hopped into the old two-seater, which was champing at its bit there, and tooled off to London by road…

Of all the unpleasant contingencies which could have arisen, this seemed to me about the scaliest.

She cheesed it in mid-sentence, deeply moved.

A little note on ‘binge’ which in Bertie’s hands seems to mean something very like that other ’20s and ’30s word, ‘stunt’.

‘What does she seem to feel about this buying the house binge?’

Words had passed. Relations had been severed. The whole binge was irrevocably off.

The plot

The plot is secondary to the manner, really. The point of the stories is Bertie’s ludicrous attitude and the tone of voice. But as to the plot, it is a preposterous farce of the silliest and most entertaining type.

Chuffy loves Pauline Like almost all the short stories (and most farces) it revolves around a frustrated love affair, between Bertie’s chum Marmaduke ‘Chuffy’ Chuffnell and an American heiress, Pauline Stoker, daughter of the calculating multimillionaire J. Washburn Stoker. The plot consists of a whole series of increasingly far-fetched and ridiculous obstacles placed in their way, along with various comic side-plots.

In terms of the core love story, the first obstacle is that Bertie himself was, a few months before the narrative commences, briefly engaged to this Pauline before her father called it off, under the influence of Bertie’s old nemesis, the nerve specialist (or ‘loony doctor’ as Bertie calls him) Sir Roderick Glossop who Bertie fell foul of in several of the short stories. At various points, the narrative makes it seem like Bertie and Pauline have fallen back in love, like the moment when Chuffy comes across them kissing in a garden, which makes Chuffy break off their engagement with all manner of ensuing complications.

In the end they young couple are, of course, happily reunited but not before loads of farcical incidents.

Jeeves leaves Bertie In rather the same way, early on in the narrative the far more important couple of Bertie and Jeeves are separated. As the pretext for this Wodehouse invents the notion that Bertie has become addicted to playing the banjolele, making a racket with his playing and the caterwauling he calls singing. This leads to protests from all his neighbours in the apartment block where he lives, Berkeley Mansions, West 1 (extremely posh Mayfair district of London). When the landlord gives him an ultimatum to either give up playing the banjolele or be evicted, Bertie very improbably says he’d rather move out than quit his artistic destiny.

Everyone goes to Somerset Two things result from this: 1) Bertie takes up an offer from his old pal, Chuffy, to move into one of the many cottages on the latter’s huge estate on the coast of Somerset, Chufnell Hall in the West of England. Almost the entire novel is set on this estate – at the big Hall, in Bertie’s cottage and various other buildings, and in the yacht moored in the harbour, the grand yacht belonging to J. Washburn Stoker who has sailed here to oversee the nuptials of his daughter and Lord Chuffnell (Chuffy). So much for the setting.

Jeeves quits 2) The second major consequence of Bertie’s decision is that Jeeves hands in his notice. In his muted logical way, he also cannot stand the racket of the banjolele and the thought of being locked up in a country cottage with Bertie playing it all day long is not bearable. So Jeeves announces to his shocked master that he is quitting and that he has already found a job working for Chuffy.

Thus all the ingredients are in place for farce. We are at a big country house. The young master is in love with a millionaire’s daughter. Her former fiancé (Bertie) is staying in a cottage in the grounds. And his former, valet, Jeeves, is now working at the house for the young master.

Incidentally, when I read that Jeeves quits and leaves I was sad because he is the anchor of the stories but need not have been because he, in fact, crops up in more or less every sticky situation and provides plans and solutions for everything. So he is pretty much as present in the narrative as in the short stories.

Complications

Now, not only is Chuffy in love with Pauline, but he is skint (broke, penniless). His estate is worth a fortune but he has no ready money. So he is negotiating a business deal whereby his fiancée’s father (J. Washburn) will buy the estate and lease it to Glossop to set up a sanatorium (that popular 1920s and ’30s’ institution) there. So it’s vital for Chuffy to keep both older men onside.

Also, Bertie discovers that although the young couple love each other, Chuffy hasn’t yet plucked up the nerve to propose to her because he is aware he is broke, so he wants to wait till the deal goes through. Typical of the farcical goings-on is that when Jeeves informs Bertie of this, Bertie conceives one of his cunning plans which is to arrange for Chuffy to see Bertie kissing Pauline in the garden which should trigger an outburst of passionate love and their engagement. Of course this goes wrong when the person who witnesses the kiss is none other than the girl’s father, J. Washburn Stoker, who is immediately convinced that Pauline is still in love with Bertie!

Meanwhile, both households have small boys of a similar age, for with Chuffy lives his Aunt Myrtle who has a young son, Seabury, while J. Washburn has brought over his young son, Dwight. Bertie hates children so he is delighted to hear from Jeeves that the boys started fighting and their fathers joined in, leading to Stoker being banned from Chufnell Hall, and retiring to his yacht anchored in the harbour.

This kicks off a major plot strand which is that Stoker decides to keep his daughter under a kind of house arrest, confining her to the yacht. But (as I write this I can see how improbable it is, but it works in the narrative) Jeeves swaps employment from Chuffy to Stoker, becoming his valet (!?) and in this capacity bears a love letter Chuffy has written to Pauline.

Touched by the letter, Pauline pops into a swimming costume, slips over the side of the yacht, swims to shore and the first thing we know about this is when Bertie arrives that evening at his cottage and finds her in his bed. At moments like this Wodehouse becomes bedroom farce and you can imagine the whole thing on the stage.

After he’s recovered from his initial surprise, Bertie does the honourable thing and says he’ll go and sleep in the car. But this triggers a comic sequence where he is plagued by the dim local police sergeant, Sergeant Voules, and his even dimmer constable (who happens to be his nephew) Constable Dobson. First of all they spot the broken window in Bertie’s cottage where Pauline broke in, and quiz him about that, Bertie assuring them there is no burglar within. Then, when Bertie goes to sleep in the car, he is woken by the flashlight of the sergeant who saw someone suspicious prowling around. And then when Bertie can’t sleep in the car and so removes to another outhouse, he is woken again by the sergeant and constable.

Full comic potential is milked from this situation because the cops tell Chuffy who arrives and declares Bertie must be drunk, and so the three of them pick him up, despite his protestations, and insist on carrying him back to the cottage and up to his bedroom. Of course the reader is anxiously expecting them to all discover Pauline in Bertie’s bed but, equally inevitably, she has made herself scarce and so all passes without mishap.

Except that Pauline had only been hiding and she emerges from her hiding place just as Chuffy returns and captures Bertie and Pauline apparently red-handed. Seeing Pauline wearing Bertie’s pyjamas, Chuffy draws the wrong conclusion (that they’ve been dallying) but when she realises this is what he’s thinking, Pauline is outraged with him for thinking so badly of her, the couple have a flaring standup row declaring the whole affair is off, Chuffy mistimes his steps and falls down the stairs and storms out into the night.

Ooops. Pauline decides the whole thing has been a mistake, slips back into her bathing costume and sets off to swim back out to the yacht. Meanwhile none other than the millionaire himself, Stoker, turns up at the cottage, having discovered that Pauline has absconded and – having witnessed them kissing in the garden – suspecting she’s made for Bertie’s cottage. Bertie is able to honestly say she isn’t there and show him round to prove it. Stoker grudgingly accepts this and he and Bertie are sort of friendly, shaking hands etc.

The next day Bertie is surprised to receive a gracious invitation from Stoker to have dinner on his yacht and prides himself on having befriended the rich man. In fact it’s to mark the birthday of little Dwight. Bertie assumes the man has realised what a good chap he is, dresses smartly and gets rowed out to the yacht. But he is surprised that nobody else has been invited and, when Stoker shows him round the yacht and shows off one of the grand bedrooms, Bertie is surprised to find himself locked in. He has been kidnapped!

This is because, after leaving Bertie’s cottage the night before, Stoker got back to his yacht and discovered Pauline had returned and learns all about her hiding out at Bertie’s cottage i.e. he lied to him, so he draws the conclusion that the pair must still be in love.

He has kidnapped Bertie in order to keep an eye on him until the wedding to Pauline can be arranged. Bertie is feeling very low about all  this when who should unlock and enter his cabin but… Jeeves! So this explains why he had (improbably enough) to be made to enter Stoker’s employment – so he can act as the genie who releases Bertie.

He does this through a further elaborate plan which is to have farcical consequences. It turns out that there is an entertainment group of minstrels who ‘black up’ to look like African Americans, touring the West Country, and Stoker has invited them over to his yacht to perform songs and sketches for his son (it’s an indication of how big the yacht is that it can accommodate so many people and such a show).

Anyway, Jeeves suggests that Bertie ‘blacks up’, using black boot polish, to look like one of the minstrels and so get smuggled off the boat when they all leave. The narrative in fact quickly jumps through all the practicalities of this, just telling us that the plan worked and jumping to Bertie safe and sound and back at his cottage.

However, there is a further bout of mayhem, this time genuinely strange. Ever since Jeeves quit, Bertie has been employing a new valet named Brinkley who, as the weeks have passed, he realises he doesn’t like. In fact he’s come to realise the man is something of a left-winger, a revolutionary, a Bolshevik, who regards him as a member of the parasite idle rich class.

Still, it’s a bizarre and inexplicable part of the plot when Bertie is upstairs trying to wash the boot polish off his face when he hears a huge rumpus downstairs and discovers that Brinkley has come back from a night down the pub roaring drunk and is smashing up the cottage! What? Not only that but when Bertie appears to him, he is of course still in blackface and the drunk Brinkley decides he is a devil and chases him up the stairs brandishing a carving knife! What!?

Bertie barricades himself in his bedroom from this maniac who blunders back downstairs and then smashes a lantern in order to set the cottage on fire!! What!??

Bertie is forced to make an escape through the cottage window and away, escaping fire and maniac. Now what? He has only the clothes he’s wearing, no ready cash, and his face is still black. Now Bertie has realised (in fact Jeeves told him) that mere soap and water won’t get the boot polish off his face. What he needs to get it off is butter. So he sneaks up to the Hall and knocks at the back door hoping to get a servant to give him some butter, but when the scullery maid opens it and sees a Black man, she has hysterics and faints.

So Bertie goes round to the front of the Hall. His best hope is to beg Chuffy for butter but he hesitates to knock on the door and terrify another servant. So he awaits events. And something indeed happens for what happens next is the front door opens and Sir Roderick emerges, and angrily departs.

Bertie manages to see Jeeves who explains that the brat Seabury had kicked up a fuss when he wasn’t invited to Dwight’s party and so, in an effort to placate him (and suck up to his mother, Lady Chuffnell) Sir Roderick had black up as well and put on a show. But not only did Seabury not like it but he set a trap, he buttered part of the Hall outside his door so that when Sir Roderick departed, he slipped and landed on his bottom. This made him very angry, Lady Chuffnell defended her son, and the upshot is that Sir Roderick was kicked out of the Hall, late at night, with nowhere to stay.

So we now have two posh men wandering round the grounds with blacked-up faces. See what I mean by farce?

I forgot to mention that much earlier in the evening, Jeeves, having rescued Bertie, told him he could clean and his face and catch the next available train back to London, where he’ll be safe from Brinkley, Stoker and the lot of them. Obviously, by now, that option has disappeared.

Jeeves suggests that Bertie goes and sleeps in the Dower House where Jeeves will bring him butter in the morning. But when Bertie arrives there, he a) discovers that Brinkley has taken possession of it and b) while he’s wondering what to do next, watches as Sir Roderick – who had obviously sought refuge there too – is unceremoniously booted out by the drunk pyromaniac.

Bertie makes himself known and the two men commiserate their fate, with Sir Roderick for the first time softening his attitude to Bertie. (In a colourful digression, he tells Bertie the Dower House is overrun with animals, including a monkey and hordes of mice, to please young Seabury.)

Sir Roderick asks if he can go to Bertie’s cottage to wash the boot polish off until Bertie tells him it’s been burned to the ground. Bertie further informs him that soap and water won’t be enough. After pondering a while. Sir Roderick suggests that petrol may do the trick and asks if Bertie’s garage is still standing. When told yes, he says he’ll head there to get petrol and a wash. But Bertie superstitiously suspects that if he goes anywhere near the smouldering ruins, he’ll be accosted by the ever-vigilant Sergeant Voules and declines to join him, preferring to go try and get some sleep in the summer-house.

Quite a night!

After a bad night’s sleep, Bertie is starving and so carefully makes his way back to the Hall. Through the window he watches the maid bring a tray of delicious hot breakfast into Chuffy’s empty study ready for the master. Hunger has made him reckless so Bertie breaks into the study and is about to wolf down the breakfast when, inevitably, he hears footsteps, so he ducks down behind the large study table. In fact a whole succession of characters now enter this study, again making it feel very much like a stage farce.

First up is Jeeves. Hearing his voice, Bertie is hugely relieved and pops up. They swap news, Bertie telling him about bumping into Sir Rodney and him going off to Bertie’s garage to try the petrol binge. They’ve just got up to speed when there are more footsteps, Bertie ducks out of sight again, and Mr Stoker is shown in by a servant.

Stoker is very cross with Jeeves who, he’s realised, helped Bertie escape from the yacht. In fact he threatens to wring his neck. But Jeeves, with typical mastery, turns the tables by claiming he did it solely to protect Stoker’s interests, pointing out that what he did was in fact kidnapping, which is a criminal offence in England which made him liable to a fine and possibly imprisonment. Put that way, Stoker backs down and grudgingly thanks Jeeves. He says he’ll go and try to find Bertie at the Dower House (whereas we know he’s hiding under the study desk and overhearing all this).

Barely has Bertie resurfaced than there are more footsteps, he ducks back down, and this time is it Stoker’s daughter, young Pauline! She engages Jeeves in conversation in which we realise learn she has absolutely no interest in marrying Bertie, which is a relief to the hidden eavesdropper. Pauline encourages Jeeves to go about his duties i.e. to leave the room and, as soon as he’s done so, springs on the breakfast which had been brought for Chuffy.

At which point Bertie startles her by springing up from behind the desk. This has a mixed effect. On the downside, it prompts Pauline to let out a yowl of terror. On the plus side, Chuffy finally walks through the door at just this moment and is able to rush to Pauline’s rescue and comfort. In a phrase which strongly suggests the staginess of Wodehouse’s imagination:

It coincided with the opening of the door and the appearance on the threshold of the fifth Baron Chuffnell. And the next moment he had dashed at her and gathered her in his arms, and she had dashed at him and been gathered. They couldn’t have done it more neatly if they had been rehearsing for weeks.

Bertie listens to the pair being revoltingly lovey-dovey before he intervenes. Stripped of the banter the situation is simple: they really do love each other (i.e. are fully reconciled after their bust-up in Bertie’s cottage) but the big problem remains how to persuade her father to let her marry Chuffy. In other words, the plot of more or less every comedy since the ancient Greeks.

And just as they’ve defined the problem, in walks in the shape of Mr Stoker himself. There is lots of dialogue but the bottom line is both young people make it clear that they want to marry. However there are several obstacles: one is that Stoker has argued with Glossop. Bertie is able to intervene and tell Stoker that Glossop himself had a big falling out with Lady Chuffly as a result of being humiliated by Seabury. Because Stoker’s was in a fight with Seabury, this endears Glossop to the American.

The next obstacle is that Stoker recalls Chuffy insulting him to his face, calling him ‘a pop-eyed old swindler’. This is a little hard to wriggle out of, but he said it in the context of the deal falling through. But Stoker keeps up his opposition to Chuffy on the basis that he is a gold-digger only after Pauline’s fortune. Pauline counters this by saying Chuffy very nobly did not propose (because he was poor) until he thought the deal to sell the Hall was agreed, whereupon he would be rich, whereupon he instantly proposed.

Also, Jeeves reappears with a telegram. This has come all the way from American and announces that Stoker’s brother intends to contest the will under which he (Stoker) is set to become a multi-millionaire. Stoker is appalled but Chuffy is over the moon. Why? Because if Stoker doesn’t inherit, then Pauline will not become a millionaire’s daughter, will be much more modestly funded, and so the couple can marry!

‘I’m broke. You’re broke. Let’s rush off and get married.’

Obviously Stoker himself is not so happy. He needs to prove that the men who left him the money, ‘Old George’, was not insane, as the rival inheritors are claiming. To prove this he needs Sir Roderick Glossop to testify in court that George was sane. And yet he’s just had a massive falling-out with Glossop, based on the way their respective sons had a fight. So now he needs to find Sir Roderick and be reconciled to him.

There is then a long comic passage where Stoker asks everyone present if they know where Glossop is, and they all throw out wild speculations until Jeeves, once again, trickles into the room to announce that Sir Roderick Glossop is presently… under arrest! For breaking and entering into Bertie’s garage. And being held in the potting shed in the garden owing to the fact that Sergeant Voules’s house, which also the village police station, was also burned down in the blaze which demolished Bertie’s cottage, so it’s the best place he and Constable Dobson could think of!

This further crushes Stoker because he was planning to bring Glossop into court as a reputable psychiatrist to testify that Old George was sane, and yet here is his ‘expert’, arrested for burglary while all blacked up! He will be laughed out of court. Again there’s a hubbub of suggestions until Bertie rings for Jeeves who, of course, has a plan. He points out that the cops don’t actually know who Glossop is yet, they think he’s one of the minstrels. Although Chuffy is the local Justice of the Peace, Glossop hasn’t yet been brought before him. So if they can liberate Glossop from the potting shed, wash his face and despatch him to London all will be well.

Stoker is full of praise for the plan but Bertie sees that this is the moment to force him to make promises: Bertie extorts Stoker’s word that he will 1) buy Chuffley Hall and 2) give permission for Pauline to marry Chuffy. Once these are in the bag, the plan can proceed.

Jeeves’s plan is to extract Glossop from the potting shed by distracting Constable Dobson by telling him that his paramour, the Hall parlourmaid Mary, was waiting for him in the bushes, and make her even more appealing by announcing she has ham sandwiches and coffee for him. In his absence our team will release Glossop. However, there’s a snag: when the cops spot that Glossop is loose they’ll institute a manhunt. Therefore Jeeves takes everyone’s breath away when he suggests that they replace Glossop with… Bertie! Another posh man in blackface! Even though Dobson will realise he’s a different man he won’t be able to admit it to his boss because he’ll give away the fact that he abandoned his post. Although he’s prepared to make a little sacrifice for his friends, Bertie understandably objects to going to prison for them. But Jeeves logically points out that he cannot be charged for breaking into his own garage! Once the cops realise they’re charging the owner of the property they’ll have to abandon the prosecution.

Sudden conclusion

Then, suddenly and abruptly, the novel is over. Having devoted to pages describing the minutiae of various preceding incidents, the final chapter completely jumps  over the enactment of this scheme, the deployment of the parlourmaid, the distracting of Constable Dobbs, the liberation of Sir Rodney, his replacement with Bertie… Instead we find ourselves transported to a few days later when Bertie has just demolished an enormous breakfast in Chuffnell Hall, chatting to Jeeves and it is revealed that everything went like clockwork, up to and including Bertie being brought before Chuffy, sitting on the bench wearing horn-rimmed spectacles in his capacity of Justice of the Peace, who made a stern speech and then let Bertie off without charge, fine or conviction.

As in the short stories, this brief coda also reveals that Jeeves played a larger role in orchestrating events than we realised. That cable from America which threatened to impoverish Stoker and forced him to seek out, liberate and reconcile with Glossop, not to mention promising to buy Chuffnell Hall and allow Chuffy and Pauline to marry – in solving all the problems at play in the story? Jeeves made it up, sent it to a pal in New York who sent it back so as to make it look authentic! As Bertie sums it up:

‘Once again you have shown that there is no crisis which you are unable to handle. A very smooth effort, Jeeves. Exceedingly smooth.’
‘I could have effected nothing without your co-operation, sir.’
‘Tush, Jeeves! I was a mere pawn in the game.’

Jeeves asks whether Bertie plans to stay in the country? No, he’ll return to ‘the metrop’. And will he resume playing the banjolele? No, his banjolele perished in the fire and one was enough. At which point Jeeves announces that he has quit Lord Chuffnell’s employment and could he come and work for Bertie again? Bertram’s joy is unbounded!

The cast

  • Bertie Wooster – private school, Eton and Oxford
  • Jeeves – his valet
  • Sir Rodney Glossop – nerve specialist (i.e early form of psychiatrist) and Bertie’s nemesis, who he describes as that ‘old pot of poison’ and ‘that old crumb’
  • Marmaduke Chuffnell aka ‘Chuffy’ – the fifth Baron Chuffnell – Bertie was at private school, Eton and Oxford with him
  • Dowager Lady Chuffnell aka Chuffy’s Aunt Myrtle
  • Seabury – Aunt Myrtle’s young son – ‘a smallish, freckled kid with aeroplane ears, and he had a way of looking at you as if you were something he had run into in the course of a slumming trip’
  • J. Washburn Stoker – American millionaire, ‘a cove who always reminded me of a pirate of the Spanish Main – a massive blighter and piercing-eyed, to boot’
  • Pauline Stoker – his daughter
  • Dwight Stoker – his young son
  • Brinkley – Jeeves’s replacement – ‘A melancholy blighter, with a long, thin, pimple-studded face and deep, brooding eyes, he had shown himself averse from the start to that agreeable chit-chat between employer and employed to which the society of Jeeves had accustomed me’ – turns out to be a left-wing, drunkard pyromaniac
  • Sergeant Voules – ‘a bird built rather on the lines of the Albert Hall, round in the middle and not much above’ – Uncle Ted to..
  • Constable Dobson – his nephew

Jeeves’s character

You can’t switch Jeeves off when he has something to say which he feels will be of interest. The only thing is to stand by and wait till he runs down.

Old Stoker breathed a bit tensely for a while, then he spoke in almost an awed voice. It’s often that way when you get up against Jeeves. He has a way of suggesting new viewpoints.

And mysterious qualities:

Said old Stoker severely. ‘Get out! We’re busy.’
The remark was addressed to Jeeves, who had come floating in again. It’s one of this man’s most
remarkable properties, that now you see him and now you don’t. Or, rather, now you don’t see him and now you do. You’re talking of this and that and you suddenly sense a presence, so to speak, and there he is.

Choice phrases

He made a noise like a pig swallowing half a cabbage, but refused to commit himself further.

The scullery-maid had set a mark at which others who met me suddenly might shoot in vain. But Pauline eclipsed her completely. She remained in Chuffy’s arms gurgling like a leaky radiator, and it was only quite some little time later that she began to regain anything of a grip on her faculties.

Stoker was staring with his left eye. The other had now closed like some tired flower at nightfall. I couldn’t help feeling that Brinkley must have been a jolly good shot to have plugged him so squarely. It’s not the easiest thing in the world to hit a fellow in the eye with a potato at a longish range. I know, because I’ve tried it. The very nature of the potato, it being a rummy shape and covered with knobs, renders accurate aiming a tricky business.


Credit

‘Thank You, Jeeves’ was published in 1934 by Herbert Jenkins.

Related links

Related reviews

Very Good, Jeeves by P.G. Wodehouse (1930)

‘The tie, if I might suggest it, sir, a shade more tightly knotted. One aims at the perfect butterfly effect. If you will permit me⁠—’
‘What do ties matter, Jeeves, at a time like this? Do you realize that Mr Little’s domestic happiness is hanging in the scale?’
‘There is no time, sir, at which ties do not matter.’

‘Great Scott, Jeeves, you seem to know everything.’
‘Thank you very much, sir.’

‘What earthly use do you suppose you are without Jeeves, you poor ditherer?’ (Aunt Dahlia)

This is the third collection of P.G. Wodehouse’s Jeeves short stories, bringing together 11 which had been published in the later 1920s.

  1. Jeeves and the Impending Doom (December 1926)
  2. The Inferiority Complex of Old Sippy (April 1926)
  3. Jeeves and the Yule-tide Spirit (December 1927)
  4. Jeeves and the Song of Songs (September 1929)
  5. Episode of the Dog McIntosh (October 1929)
  6. The Spot of Art (December 1929)
  7. Jeeves and the Kid Clementina (January 1930)
  8. The Love That Purifies (November 1929)
  9. Jeeves and the Old School Chum (February 1930)
  10. Indian Summer of an Uncle (March 1930)
  11. The Ordeal of Young Tuppy (April 1930)

They feature empty-headed posh boy Bertram ‘Bertie’ Wooster and revolve around the supernatural ability of his impeccably dressed, supremely clever and always-in-command valet, Jeeves, to solve the problems faced by Bertie and his posh boy pals. The stories are almost all narrated by Bertie in his upbeat, slang-rich, posh boy tones which are quite candid about his own shortcomings.

If you ask my Aunt Agatha, she will tell you⁠—in fact, she is quite likely to tell you even if you don’t ask her⁠—that I am a vapid and irreflective chump. Barely sentient, was the way she once described me: and I’m not saying that in a broad, general sense she isn’t right.

The formula

Early on in each story Bertie or a posh young pal of his is faced with a tricky social problem, mostly revolving around entanglements with unsuitable young ladies, or social commitments foisted on them by their aunts which they are trying to wriggle out of. In every instance Bertie calls in Jeeves who comes up with a cunning plan to solve the situation. But there is always a kind of second climax or double take, whereby the initial plan often goes awry but Jeeves is revealed as having anticipated this and put in place an even better, more all-encompassing plan B, so that every story invariably ends with ‘Well done, Jeeves’.

Jeeves and Bertie’s eternal battle over clothes

When I read the earliest stories I thought Jeeves’s insistence on telling Bertie what to wear was one among many foibles, but I came to realise it plays a central role, for at least two reasons. The obvious one is to demonstrate the comic principle that Jeeves is always right and Bertie is always wrong. About everything.

But the deeper reason is that the argument about a piece of clothing which Bertie is frightfully proud of buying but which Jeeves thinks is beyond the pale, these arguments often top and tail the stories, providing a structure and an added layer of comic plot. So that:

  1. The story opens with the pair behaving frostily towards each other over such a squabble with Bertie insisting on his independence and how he is the master and how he will never cave in to Jeeves’s taste; then…
  2. We have the entire central plot of saving Bertie or a buddy from a fate worse than death, and after that’s all sorted out…
  3. The narrative returns to the silly squabble about a tie or a shirt or a pair of spats and Bertie, awed by Jeeves’s triumph at solving the central problem, caves in.

1. It’s part of the comic formula that Bertie starts every story insisting he’s going to show the true Wooster mettle:

  • ‘I mean to say, where does a valet get off, censoring vases…’
  • ‘I mean to say, one has got to take a firm stand from time to time. The trouble with Jeeves is that he tends occasionally to get above himself…’

Bertie’s tone, the comic over-assertion of the man who knows he’s going to lose, is typified by the spat over his moustache in the Hard-Boiled Egg:

I was sorry if Bicky was in trouble, but, as a matter of fact, I was rather glad to have something I could discuss freely with Jeeves just then, because things had been a bit strained between us for some time, and it had been rather difficult to hit on anything to talk about that wasn’t apt to take a personal turn. You see, I had decided—rightly or wrongly—to grow a moustache, and this had cut Jeeves to the quick. He couldn’t stick the thing at any price, and I had been living ever since in an atmosphere of bally disapproval till I was getting jolly well fed up with it. What I mean is, while there’s no doubt that in certain matters of dress Jeeves’s judgement is absolutely sound and should be followed, it seemed to me that it was getting a bit too thick if he was going to edit my face as well as my costume. No one can call me an unreasonable chappie, and many’s the time I’ve given in like a lamb when Jeeves has voted against one of my pet suits or ties; but when it comes to a valet’s staking out a claim on your upper lip you’ve simply got to have a bit of the good old bulldog pluck and defy the blighter…

2. Then there’s the main story in all its complexity, and complete with the double ending I’ve pointed out.

3. And then the comic punchline as Bertie, yet again, gives in to Jeeves’s silent disapproval. At the end of the Hard Boiled Egg adventure, Bertie considers that Jeeves himself didn’t make enough out of the adventure and then… proceeds to give in on the moustache issue.

‘I fancy Mr Bickersteth intends—I judge from his remarks—to signify his appreciation of anything I have been fortunate enough to do to assist him, at some later date when he is in a more favourable position to do so.’
‘It isn’t enough, Jeeves!’
‘Sir?’
It was a wrench, but I felt it was the only possible thing to be done.
‘Bring my shaving things.’
A gleam of hope shone in the man’s eye, mixed with doubt.
‘You mean, sir?’
‘And shave off my moustache.’
There was a moment’s silence. I could see the fellow was deeply moved.
‘Thank you very much indeed, sir,’ he said, in a low voice.

In previous collections Jeeves has interfered to stop Bertie wearing:

  • a rather sprightly young check suit – ‘Jeeves Takes Charge’ (1916)
  • a blue suit with the faint red stripe – ‘The Artistic Career of Corky’ (1916)
  • a moustache – ‘Jeeves and the Hard-Boiled Egg’ (1917)
  • purple socks – ‘Bertie Changes His Mind’ (1922)
  • a cummerbund – ‘Aunt Agatha Takes the Count’ (1922)
  • soft-fronted shirts with dress-clothes – in their very first story, ‘Jeeves Takes Charge’ (1916)
  • coloured spats – ‘Without the Option’ (1925)

In this volume Jeeves triumphs in the matter of:

  • the new vase – ‘The Inferiority Complex of Old Sippy’
  • Bertie’s bright new plus-fours – ‘Jeeves and the Kid Clementina’

Holiday battles

Also worth mentioning that this battle of wills also extends to holiday destinations, as when Jeeves is disappointed when Bertie cancels their plan to spend Christmas in Monte Carlo and go, instead, to his Aunt Dahlia’s but how, by orchestrating a sequence of unfortunate events, Jeeves manages to get his way in the end.

Or in ‘Jeeves and the Spot of Art’, Jeeves is disappointed when Bertie turns down the offer of a yacht cruise with Aunt Agatha but engineers everything so that they do, as a result of the story’s main adventure, end up going on it.

Psychology

I noted in the novels of Agatha Christie the slow spread through the 1920s of ideas and terms from Freud and his followers. So it’s striking that there’s an entire story here, from 1926, entirely based on the concept of the ‘inferiority complex’, the depth psychology term which is also most used in Christie’s novels. Maybe, for some reason, it struck a chord in popular psychology and culture although, like a lot of the Freudian ideas, it is used in a crude, inaccurate, popularised kind of way.

1. Jeeves and the Impending Doom (1926)

Bertie rescues a politician from a swan.

Bertie is invited by his dreaded Aunt Agatha to go and stay at her place, Woollam Chersey, in Hertfordshire. Here he finds his old school chum Bingo Little has been hired to tutor Aunt A’s difficult son, Thomas. Bingo anxiously tells Bertie to pretend not to know him because Agatha has such a low opinion of Bertie that if she learns Bingo is his friend, she’ll sack him.

But the centre of the story is that Aunt Agatha is also entertaining a very important guest, a Cabinet Minister named A.B. Filmer.

The Right Hon. was a tubby little chap who looked as if he had been poured into his clothes and had forgotten to say “When!”

Aunt A has tasked Bingo with making sure her difficult son, Thomas, doesn’t cause trouble.

As a result Bingo is super-stressed. Both Bertie and Jeeves tell him he simply mustn’t let the little rascal out of his sight, which is perfectly sensible, until it comes to the afternoon of the tennis tournament. Bingo is nuts about tennis and becomes so immersed in the games he loses all track of Thomas. When rain stops play and everyone troops inside, they realise the VIP Filmer is missing.

Jeeves informs Bertie that Filmer took a rowing boat across the large lake to the island in the middle to explore, but the dastardly Thomas rowed after him and untied his boat, which drifted off, leaving the politician marooned.

Rather heroically, Bertie and Jeeves rush down to the lake, take another boat and row out to the island. Here Bertie discovers the hapless politician is being terrorised by a wild swan and so has taken refuge on the roof of the mock Greek temple. Bertie is just sizing up the situation when the swan goes for him, too, so he also scrambles up onto the temple roof.

They call to Jeeves who saves the day, throwing Bertie’s raincoat over the swan and using a boathook to hoist him into the undergrowth, at which point Bertie and Filmer scramble down and everyone legs it back to the boats.

Later on, as Bertie is having a bath and recovering, Jeeves surprises him by telling him that he (Jeeves) has just told Aunt Agatha that it was Bertie who unmoored the minister’s boat. At first sight Jeeves seems to have dropped Bertie in the soup. But Jeeves goes on to explain that he overheard Aunt Agatha planning to get Bertie a job as Filmer’s secretary, something he would have hated. Therefore, what at first sight appears a floater by Jeeves turns out to be a stroke of genius.

This is what I meant when I referred, above, to the way the stories so often have a second comic climax, or Plan B, a kind of encore to the main action.

Anyway, Jeeves suggests Bertie avoids recriminations from his aunt by getting dressed, shimmying down the drainpipe and Jeeves will be waiting in the car to spirit him away.

2. The Inferiority Complex of Old Sippy (1926)

Bertie helps his old chum overcome his shyness about proposing to his girlfriend and standing up to his old headmaster.

The story opens with one of those arguments over taste which I mentioned above. usually Bertie and Jeeves fall out over clothes, but this is over a vase which Bertie loves and Jeeves hates.

Having established the bookend theme, Bertie goes to visit his old friend Sippy, who we first met as a freelance writer but who is now the editor of a journal, which he is finding dashed hard work. Bertie arrives for a visit and observes him being bullied by a horrible older man, who forces an unsuitable article on him and, when he’s left, turns out to be his old headmaster, Mr Waterbury. In the same visit Sippy explains that he is in love with the poet Gwendolen Moon.

Back home Bertie runs all this past Jeeves and expounds his theory that Sippy is suffering from an inferiority complex. Bertie comes up with a wizard wheeze which is to place a bag of flour over the entrance to Sippy’s offices so that next time the bullying headmaster visits, he will be doused in flour and Sippy, upon seeing him so humiliated, will lose his fear of him – and this will give him the confidence he needs to finally propose to his lady love, Miss Moon.

At present this head master bloke, this Waterbury, is trampling all over Mr Sipperley because he is hedged about with dignity, if you understand what I mean. Years have passed; Mr Sipperley now shaves daily and is in an important editorial position; but he can never forget that this bird once gave him six of the juiciest. Result: an inferiority complex. The only way to remove that complex, Jeeves, is to arrange that Mr Sipperley shall see this Waterbury in a thoroughly undignified position.

Jeeves doesn’t like the plan. He thinks they should do things in the opposite order – help Sippy pluck up the courage to propose to Gwendolen so that her acceptance gives him the boost and confidence to outface horrible old Waterbury.

But Bertie pushes on with his flour plan, popping round to the offices and perching the flour bomb on a partly ajar door when no-one is around. Then he goes for a walk round the block to let Waterbury get caught in the trap. But when he returns an hour or so later, there is no sign of a floured Waterbury but there is a Sippy wreathed in smiles because Jeeves has arranged everything.

Jeeves explains that he invited Sippy round to Bertie’s flat and, when his back was turned, whacked him with a golf club, then phoned Miss Moon and told her Sippy had had a bad accident. She immediately came rushing round and swooned at the sight of her beloved injured, tended him and he finally proposed and she joyfully said yes. Success!

How did he explain away the whacking? Well, he gave the excuse that Bertie’s vase fell on is head. This had the added virtue, for Jeeves, of smashing said vase.

All is well but Bertie realises he’s forgotten his hat so nips back into the offices, goes through the wrong door and triggers the pound-and-a-half of flour falling on his head.

So Jeeves fixes everything, gets rid of the detested vase, and Bertie gets roundly humiliated into the bargain.

Inferiority complex

‘The whole trouble being, Jeeves, that he has got one of those things that fellows do get⁠—it’s on the tip of my tongue.’
‘An inferiority complex, sir?’
‘Exactly. An inferiority complex. I have one myself with regard to my Aunt Agatha. You know me, Jeeves. You know that if it were a question of volunteers to man the lifeboat, I would spring to the task. If anyone said, ‘Don’t go down the coal-mine, daddy,’ it would have not the slightest effect on my resolution⁠—’
‘Undoubtedly, sir.’
‘And yet⁠—and this is where I want you to follow me very closely, Jeeves⁠—when I hear that my Aunt Agatha is out with her hatchet and moving in my direction, I run like a rabbit. Why? Because she gives me an inferiority complex.’

3. Jeeves and the Yule-tide Spirit (December 1927)

The hot water bottle fiasco.

Christmas is approaching and Lady Wickham invites Berties to her place, Skeldings, for the festive season. This disappoints Jeeves who thought they were going to Monte Carlo.

Aunt Agatha phones to warn him that his nemesis, the loony-doctor Sir Roderick Glossop, will be there too. Bertie confides in Jeeves that the reason he’s come is to get revenge on one Tuppy Glossop, the chap who humiliated him at the club by making him swing from hoops above the swimming pool for a bet, but tied the last one to the wall so Bertie was obliged to drop into the pool and swim back to the side.

Now Bobbie suggests a scheme for revenge involving a long stick, a darning needle, and a hot water bottle. Bertie tells Jeeves to get a long stick and tie a darning needle to the end of it. Then, as per Bobbie’s plan, he sneaks into Tuppy’s room in the dead of night, infiltrates the stick under the covers of the sleeping figure, locates the hot water bottle, and gently punctures it.

However, it’s at that moment that the bedroom door, which Bertie had carefully left ajar, is caught by a gust of wind and slams shut, waking the inhabitant of the bed like a shot. Bertie turns and runs but his dressing gown gets caught in the door and he is apprehended by the room’s inhabitant who… turns out to be Sir Roderick!! He and Tuppy have swapped rooms because Roderick doesn’t like sleeping on upper floors.

Sir Roderick drags Bertie back into the room where they both observe his hot water bottle leaking all over the bed, at which point Sir Roderick says he will sleep in Bertie’s bed and leaves our hero to decide not to try the now soaking wet bed, but instead fall asleep in the armchair… where, come the morning, he is awoken by Jeeves with a reviving cup of tea.

There then follows one of those comic double takes or double endings which I’ve mentioned, the kind where Jeeves first appals Bertie, before going on to give the deeper, reassuring, explanation.

In this case, Bertie is astounded to learn that it was Jeeves who betrayed him: Sir Roderick told Jeeves he was changing rooms but Jeeves didn’t pass on the message thus guaranteeing Bertie’s humiliation. BUT next second, Jeeves goes on to clarify that he did it to avoid Bertie falling into the clutches of Roderick’s daughter, Honoria Glossop. He had overheard Sir Roderick musing that Bertie might still make her a good wife.

Bertie makes the objection that Sir Roderick might, over time, come to realise the hot water bottle thing was just youthful hi-jinks, when Jeeves points out there was a second incident in the night, namely that someone crept into Bertie’s old bedroom, where Sir Roderick was sleeping, and punctured his hot water bottle using the stick and needle technique.

Dim Bertie thinks this is an extraordinary coincidence, two chaps having the same bright idea on the same night. Not really, Jeeves explains. For he overheard Bobbie Wickham giving Tuppy the idea, same as she gave Bertie the idea. In other words, she arranged for them both to sneak into each others’ rooms and puncture each others’ hot water bottles!

Bertie had been showing signs of softening to Bobbie. Now Jeeves’s revelation of her treachery makes him see her in a whole new light. Meanwhile Jeeves has seen Sir Roderick this morning who is gunning for Bertie. Jeeves thinks the best course of action would be to shin down the drainpipe and do a runner from the house to the nearest village where he can hire a car to take him back to London. Jeeves will pack up his stuff and bring it back in their motor car.

And, in order to escape Aunt Agatha’s wrath maybe get out of England altogether. Probably to Monte Carlo which is where Jeeves wanted to head all along.

‘I would not take the liberty of dictating your movements, sir, but as you already have accommodation engaged on the Blue Train for Monte Carlo for the day after to-morrow ‘
‘But you cancelled the booking?’
‘No, sir.’
‘I thought you had.’
‘No, sir.’
‘I told you to.’
‘Yes, sir. It was remiss of me, but the matter slipped my mind.’
‘Oh?’
‘Yes, sir.’
‘All right, Jeeves. Monte Carlo ho, then.’
‘Very good, sir.’

A textbook example of how Jeeves always gets his way in the end.

4. Jeeves and the Song of Songs (September 1929)

Jeeves ends Tuppy Glossop’s inappropriate engagement to opera singer Cora Bellinger.

Bertie is in the bath when Tuppy Glossop calls round to announce he’s madly in love with an opera singer named Cora Bellinger. Tuppy’s called round for two reasons. 1) To invite Bertie to have lunch with him and Cora; 2) to ask him not to mention the practical joke where he bet Bertie he couldn’t swing from bars above a swimming pool which resulted in Bertie falling into said pool.

Bertie is reluctant as he is still mulling over some fierce revenge he can take for the swimming pool incident but instead finds himself hosting lunch for his enemy. When Cora arrives, Bertie is winningly rude about her:

I can’t say I exactly saw eye to eye with young Tuppy in his admiration for the Bellinger female. Delivered on the mat at one-twenty-five, she proved to be an upstanding light-heavyweight of some thirty summers, with a commanding eye and a square chin which I, personally, would have steered clear of. She seemed to me a good deal like what Cleopatra would have been after going in too freely for the starches and cereals.

Cora performs a few songs.

The Bellinger, at Tuppy’s request, had sung us a few songs before digging in at the trough, and nobody could have denied that her pipes were in great shape. Plaster was still falling from the ceiling.

After lunch Cora has to leave. Only then can Tuppy relax, have a drink and explain that, in her presence, he’s having to put on a serious and earnest facade. For example he’s given up drinking booze (in her presence).

He also explains what turns out to be the comic core of the story: that he’s planning to demonstrate what a serious type of chap he is by inviting her along to an East End Boys club run by a mutual pal of his and Bertie’s (‘Beefy Bingham who was at Oxford with us’) to show off his social conscience. More, Tuppy will impress her with his musical talent by singing ‘Sonny Boy’. (This is the 1928 song which had been a massive hit for Al Jolson the year before the story was published.)

Jeeves announces that Bertie’s Aunt Dahlia is on her way round and Tuppy disappears. She is a large impressive lady.

 Aunt Dahlia is one of those big, hearty women. She used to go in a lot for hunting, and she generally speaks as if she had just sighted a fox on a hillside half a mile away. ‘Bertie,’ she cried, in the manner of one encouraging a platoon of hounds to renewed efforts,

Everything is always very tightly plotted in a Wodehouse story, and Tuppy’s disappearance is directly linked to Aunt Dahlia. Turns out she has a daughter, Angela, who Tuppy left for Cora, which explains why he is in her bad books and why he ran off so quickly. Aunt Dahlia wants Tuppy to get back together with Angela and orders Bertie to get his man Jeeves on the case. She’ll call back tomorrow to find out their plan.

So Jeeves comes up with a cunning plan. He proposes that Bertie does a turn at this East End boys club and sings ‘Sonny Boy’ before Tuppy goes on, so that by the time Tuppy sings it, the audience will have heard it and it will make no impression. And then, if Tuppy goes down badly with the audience, Jeeves argues, Cora will cease to like him:

‘I think, therefore, that, should Miss Bellinger be a witness of Mr Glossop appearing to disadvantage in public, she would cease to entertain affection for him. In the event, for instance, of his failing to please the audience on Tuesday with his singing.’

Bertie is none too pleased at having to sing ‘Sonny Boy’ in public but he reluctantly agrees to go ahead if it means saving his old mucker Tuppy from an inappropriate liaison.

At the club Bertie points out that if Tuppy hears him sing ‘Sonny Boy’, he obviously won’t sing it himself. Jeeves reassures Bertie that Tuppy, on Jeeves’ advice, has gone for a drink to settle his nerves and won’t be back until it’s time to perform. He then suggests a similar stiffener for Bertie, who accordingly nips round to the local pub and has a couple of whisky and sodas, becoming a little inebriated.

Back at the venue, Bertie manages to get through the song, giving what he thinks is a good performance though puzzled at the audience’s lack of appreciation, at which Jeeves drops the bombshell that the previous two turns before Bertie had also sung ‘Sonny Boy’! No wonder the audience was restive.

Which explains why, when Tuppy takes the stage, ignorant of all his predecessors, he is only half way through the song when the audience revolts, first making boos and catcalls, and then starting to throw things, starting with a squishy banana, so Tuppy eventually gives up and beats a retreat.

It is now that the story follows the general shape of having the First Setback followed by the Ultimate Triumph. The setback is that it’s only after Tuppy runs offstage that we learn that Cora is running late and didn’t hear Tuppy sing – the whole ordeal has been for nothing. Disheartened, Bertie says he’s off to the club for a drink, while Jeeves says he’ll stay and watch the rest.

But then comes the Ultimate Triumph: later that night, back at his flat, Bertie is visited by Tuppy who is sporting an impressive black eye and announcing that he doesn’t think Cora is the girl for him, and perhaps someone with a sweeter temperament would be more suitable such as Bertie’s cousin Angela. He leaves and Jeeves arrives, to explain all.

It was Cora who gave Tuppy his black eye. This is because, when she arrived late and finally went on and performed, Jeeves asked her to sing ‘Sonny Boy’ as a favour to Tuppy. She was upset to be received with boos and raspberries, but furious to learn that several performers before her had sung the same song and drew the conclusion that she was the victim of an elaborate practical joke. Which is when she punched Tuppy in the eye. Which is why he’s rather gone off her.

As usual, complete triumph for Jeeves.

5. Jeeves and the Dog McIntosh (October 1929)

Bobbie Wickham gives Aunt Agatha’s dog to the American impresario Blumenfeld and Bertie has to get him back.

Bertie is looking after his Aunt Agatha’s West Highland terrier, McIntosh for five weeks. Aunt A returns and expects her dog back. In the meantime Roberta ‘Bobbie’ Wickham asks Bertie to give her lunch and specifically requests pudding, ice cream and chocolates. When she turns up she explains this is because a boy, a child, is coming to lunch. She goes on to explain that 1) her mother has dramatised one of her own novels 2) she (Bobbie) is in bad odour with her mother because she smashed up the car and a few other things and so 3) when she met an American theatrical impresario she thought she’d effect a reconciliation with her mother by 4) promoting the play to him; specifically, she has asked the impresario along to Bertie’s flat for a reading of the play. So she’s invited him along, and his son.

As she tells all this Bertie realises he knows the man: it’s Blumenfeld who he and we encountered in an earlier story, set in New York, ‘Jeeves and the Chump Cyril’ (1918). Bertie violently objected to Blumenfeld’s horrible son and now vows to avoid the lunch altogether. He bounds for his coat and legs it to the stairs. Unfortunately the taxi the Blumenfeld father and so is just pulling up and they spot him but he waves a cheery hello and legs it to his club.

Many hours later he returns to his flat, having phoned ahead to check the Americans have left. Jeeves reports that Miss Wickham was well pleased with the reading and, when he phones her, she confirms this, confirms that the boy was well stuffed with ice cream, his Dad liked the play, they’ve gone off to catch a movie and she’s to report to their suite at the Savoy at 5.30 to sign the contract.

Just one catch. During the lunch the little boy took a fancy to Aunt Agatha’s dog and so, er, she gave him (the dog) to him (the boy). Bertie reels at his end of the phone. He’s had a message that Aunt Agatha is arriving home from her trip abroad today. She’ll eviscerate him when she discovers her precious dog has been given away to an American brat.

Jeeves suggests a plan: if Miss Wickham has been invited to the Americans’ suite, if she arrives early and is let in, then she can open the door moments later to Bertie who can swipe the dog, and all before the Yanks get there from their movie. A quick call to Bobbie confirms this is the arrangement. Jeeves has one more suggestion: it is that Bertie douses his trouser bottoms in aniseed on the principle that dogs go mad for it. Slightly disbelieving, Bertie legs it to a chemist’s shop, buys and bottle, and whistles back, douses his trouser bottoms as instructed, then catches a cab to the Savoy.

Everything works like a dream: Bobbie opens the Americans’ room door to Bertie, the dog smells the aniseed and comes bounding out, snuffling his trousers, following him as he legs it downstairs, out into the street and into a cab home.

Barely is he home before Jeeves announces that Blumenfeld has rung up in a rage about Bertie kidnapping his goddam’ dog. There’s no time to leg it so Bertie hides behind the sofa as Blumenfeld storms in and rants and rages at an impassive Jeeves. Jeeves plays a blinder by persuading Blumenfeld that Bertie is eccentric, even dangerous – he is particularly triggered by fat men, such as Blumenfeld. That’s why he excused himself from the lunch and they saw him running off; he wasn’t sure if he’d be able to control himself.

Bertie hears all the vigour going out of Blumenfeld’s voice as he becomes hesitant and then scared. When Jeeves offers to wake Bertie who, he says, is taking his usual nap behind the sofa, Blumenfeld blinks and then says, No, just get him out of this madhouse alive! and Jeeves sees him off the premises.

But this isn’t all. There’s always the second comic climax. For Jeeves tells a startled Bertie that, before he left, Jeeves gave Blumenfeld the dog! But wasn’t that the whole point of the whole beastly exercise, to keep the wretched dog?!

Oh no, not that dog Jeeves explains. The one he bought in Bond Street earlier that afternoon and looks exactly like McIntosh. This way Blumenfeld’s boy gets a dog, Bobbie Wickham gets her mother’s play performed, and Aunt Agatha can be reunited with her precious mutt in just a few hours’ time.

Jeeves is a genius! Everyone is, as Bertie puts it, ‘on velvet’.

6. Jeeves and the Spot of Art (December 1929)

Over dinner, Bertie tells Aunt Dahlia that he will not, now, be able to take up her kind offer of accompanying her on a yachting cruise of the Mediterranean because he has fallen in love with Gwladys Pendlebury. She is an artist and has painted his portrait which he just this morning hung in his flat. Jeeves (of course) doesn’t like it. Anyway, Bertie daren’t leave her alone in London because he has a love rival, one Lucius Pim.

But Bertie gets home from this lunch to discover that Gwladys called round but left rather distressed because she had a car accident outside the apartment block, specifically she hit a pedestrian and fractured his tibia; more specifically still, it was none other than the dreaded rival, Lucius Pim.

And to his horror, Bertie discovers that the doctor they called advised that Pim be accommodated in Bertie’s flat, in his spare room, and be accorded full rest and recovery. Also: his sister (Mrs Slingsby) is arriving in London and she must on no account discover that it was Gwladys who ran him over. Bertie must agree with the cover story that he was hit by an unknown driver who drove on.

Knowing that the sister is going to pay a visit the following day, Bertie decides to make himself scarce and motors down to Brighton for the day. However, on his return he is horrified to learn that not only did Gwladys visit for four hours – suggesting she is doing that womanly thing of caring for a poor invalid – but Mrs Slingsby was made furious with Bertie when Lucius told her that it was Bertie who ran him over – and that he was a bit drunk at the time!!

Pim is offensively calm about it, agrees it is a cheek, admits his sister is furious with him (Bertie). Not only this, her husband is an American businessman who might be so angry about it, there’s a risk he might take Bertie to court. So Pim suggests Bertie sends her a nice big bouquet of roses and a card with apologies.

Bertie does this but next thing is that the husband appears, demands his way into the flat, and starts accusing Bertie – not of running over his wife’s brother, but of having an affair with his wife! He thinks the swags of roses Bertie sent her indicated romantic tendencies. At that moment Mrs Slingsby arrives at the flat and her appearance triggers Slingsby to charge out of his chair as if to assault Bertie except that…. he slips on the golf ball Bertie had been toying with before he arrived, flies in the air and lands painfully on his back.

This gives Bertie the opportunity of legging it out the room, grabbing his coat and hat, just time to tell Jeeves to meet him at Victoria with some packed bags because he’s going to nip over to Paris till the coast clear, leaving last instructions to Jeeves to do whatever it takes to calm Slingsby down.

Weeks later Bertie ventures to return and, arriving in London, discovers that it is plastered with his image on enormous posters for Slingsby’s Super Soups. Slingsby has only gone and done a commercial deal with Gwladys to use Bertie’s image from the portrait of him she did.

Jeeves explains that he did as instructed and set about mollifying Slingsby by suggesting he use the image from the portrait. Gwladys secured a good deal, brokered by Pim acting not only as her agent but in his new-found role as her fiancé.

Well 1) that puts Bertie right off Gwladys and 2) right off the portrait (which Jeeves always disliked) and 3) in order to escape London and the ridicule the use of his image exposes him to, Jeeves suggests no better resort than to accept Aunt Dahlia’s kind invitation to the yacht cruise. As he, Jeeves, had wanted all along. Game, set and match to Jeeves.

7. Jeeves and the Kid Clementina (January 1930)

Bertie tries a cunning way of returning an AWOL schoolgirl to her school.

Bertie travels to Bingley-on-Sea to take part in the annual golf tournament. One day he confesses he’s nervous because Bingley is where a friend of his dreaded Aunt Agatha – Miss Mapleton – runs a school for girls, St Monica’s.

The clothes complication: Jeeves doesn’t like the vivid plus-fours Bertie has chosen to play golf in. What are plus-fours?

One day Bertie’s knocked out of the competition early and has met Jeeves on the promenade when they both spot his ex-girlfriend Bobbie Wickham approaching. At the start of the story, Bertie had horrified Jeeves by announcing Bobbie had invited him to go and stay with a party of Bobbie’s in Antibes in the south of France.

Now she bounces up and announces that she’s down from London to visit her friend Clementina who’s at school nearby and to take her for dinner on her birthday. More precisely, to ask Bertie to take them both out for dinner. Bobbie will then jump into her own motor and tootle back to London, leaving Bertie to deliver Clem back to her school…

When they pitch up for dinner, Clementina turns out to be a well-behaved 13-year-old. All goes well till Bobbie jumps into her car and is about to shoot off when she casually reveals that Clementina didn’t have permission to leave school. She had been sent to her room early for putting sherbet in the inkwells.

Obviously Bertie can’t just roll up and hand her in at the front door as she will get into trouble and he will be the subject of a vitriolic letter to Aunt Agatha. So Bobbie outlines a cunning plan: get some string, break into the grounds, go to the greenhouse, gather some pots, attach string to pots, climb the nearby tree; when coast is clear pull string pulling pots down onto greenhouse with great shattering. Door opens as teachers sally out to discover what’s going on. Insert Clementina through open door, she makes her way to her room, Bertie legs it.

When he explains all this to Jeeves the latter is appalled but Bertie insists they proceed. In the event he’s only just climbed up the tree when he’s startled by the flashlamp of a policeman who tells him to climb down and explain himself. Oops.

Things are getting dicey when Jeeves magically appears and intervenes. He says he and Bertie were on a visit when they saw suspicious figures in the grounds. He, Jeeves, has knocked at the servants door and asked to see the headmistress, Miss Mapleton. (Later, he explains to Bertie that while the servant was getting her, Jeeves quietly let Clementina run in through the open back door and make her own way to her bedroom.) Then told the headmistress the fake story about alleged intruders, made Bertie out to be a hero who had gone looking for them.

Jeeves takes Bertie and the copper to meet Miss Mapleton who confirms all this is true, so the policeman is obliged, reluctantly, to acquiesce and let Bertie off. There is then the comic second climax, when they all hear the flower pot Bertie had precariously balanced, crash down into the glasshouse, as originally planned. But Miss Mapleton says this only confirms Jeeves’s story that there are intruders loose in the grounds and tells the policeman to go and do his job.

The clothes conclusion: having started the story insisting on keeping the plus-fours, Bertie ends it giving in to Jeeves. As always.

8. Jeeves and the Love That Purifies (November 1929)

Bertie gets involved in a competition between two boys as to which can be the best behaved.

It is August, the month when Jeeves gets a summer holiday and decamps off to Bognor ‘for the shrimping’.

Bertie is invited to go and stay at his Aunt Dahlia’s at Brinkley Court in Worcestershire. Here he discovers that the little terror Thomas Gregson, the son of Bertie’s Aunt Agatha, has been dumped on poor Dahlia while Agatha goes abroad. Now Dahlia has a son of her own about the same age as Thomas, Bonzo, and Bertie further discovers that another guest of his aunt’s is an old boy named Mr Anstruther, who is notoriously sensitive and given to nervous collapses. So when Anstruther realised the house contained two boisterous young boys he did a clever thing and invited them to take part in a competition as to who could be the best-behaved boy, winner getting £5! Not only this but, as Anstruther explains to Bertie, he has instituted a points system and assigns the boys points on a daily basis based on their behaviour.

But Aunt Dahlia quickly informs Bertie that this is just the start: for also staying at the house are Lord and Lady Jane Snettisham and they are gamblers and they have bet on which of the two boys will break first and behave badly. And Aunt Dahlia has joined the betting, betting her legendary cook, Anatole, against Jane Snettisham’s kitchen-maid!

Now, she tells Bertie, she suspects the Snettishams (‘the opposition’) will play dirty and place unwonted temptations in Bonzo’s way, so Bertie has to help her do the same to young Thomas. After a few failed attempts, Thomas is pulling ahead in the stakes. On one notable occasion Thomas walks 3 miles to the nearest station and 3 miles back again to fetch Bertie a copy of the Sporting Times. When he hears about this Anstruther gives Thomas bonus points.

So Aunt Dahlia insists Bertie contacts Jeeves and asks him to cut short his holiday in order to come and help. Jeeves suggests they invite young Sebastian Moon, young brother of Gwendolen Moon, to stay. He has such lovely blonde curls that any self-respecting thug like Thomas will find it impossible not to beat him up. But at first all goes badly; Thomas goes out of his way to be friendly to Sebastian and very conspicuously gives him a piggy-back when Sebastian has a painful nail in his shoe.

Then Jeeves makes the crucial breakthrough: he engages Thomas in casual conversation and discovers that the boy is besotted with the movie star Greta Garbo and, like many an idealistic adolescent, he wants to make himself worthy for her by doing good deeds. Leading Bertie to make the age-old lament:

‘The motion-pictures, Jeeves,’ I said, ‘are the curse of the age.’

This is the key which brings the story to a sudden climax because all Jeeves now has to do is tell irritating young Sebastian to insult Greta Garbo to Thomas’s face. A few hours later the boys are playing down in the stables when Jeeves and Bertie both hear a piercing scream. Round the corner comes Sebastian running, pursued by Thomas carrying a big stables bucket of water. The ‘insult Greta Garbo’ strategy has obviously worked a treat.

Anstruther had been dozing in a deckchair till the scream woke him up. He leaped to his feet just as Sebastian drew near him so that the boy dodged behind him and Thomas, egged on by the momentum of his run, let loose his big bucket of water which, of course, completely misses Sebastian but drenches old Anstruther.

Anstruther seizes a nearby stick and lashes out at Thomas who turns and flees, pursued by angry old man – Victory!

The Kiss (1929)

Greta Garbo in her last silent movie, The Kiss (1929)

9. Jeeves and the Old School Chum (February 1930)

Bingo Little’s marriage is imperilled when a friend of his wife’s, Laura Pyke, visits and enforces a health and vegetarian regime.

Bertie’s friend Bingo Little inherits a nice country house in Norfolk, about 30 miles from Norwich. Here Bertie has a jolly stay before being dragged off to Harrogate to accompany his Uncle George on one of his many rest cures.

After a week or so he manages to slip away but discovers the atmosphere at the Littles’ place much changed. Because Bertie’s old school friend, Laura Pyke, has come to stay and she is a health food fanatic. She immediately starts criticising everything Bingo eats, insisting they switch to pretty much vegetarian meals, and strongly disapproves of lunch.

Bertie goes so far as to imagine that it’s affecting the Little marriage, as the wife, Rosie, sees her husband being mocked on a daily basis. Bingo begs him to get Jeeves to help somehow. In the end the solution is this: they all go to the nearby Lakenham races in two cars – Bingo and Rosie in one, Bertie, Jeeves and Laura in the other. Beforehand Bingo had stood over the cook to make sure he packs a small feast of tasty sandwiches in the hamper.

However when they arrive at the races, disaster has struck: someone forgot to pack the bally hamper! Laura is jubilant, saying that no-one needs a big lunch anyway and Rosie, as she has taken to doing, agrees with everything Laura says.

Luckily Bertie had instructed Jeeves to pack a few more sandwiches for himself and the three men make excuses about seeing bookies in order to sneak off behind a hedge and share out Jeeves’s sandwiches. It is here that Jeeves drops the bombshell that it was he who omitted packing the hamper. So many of the stories follow this shape – Jeeves does something which appears inexplicably awful to Bertie, until he explains its deeper significance. Now Jeeves explains that his aim was to force the ladies to go hungry and put their money where their mouth is. Bertie is sceptical because, as he explain to Jeeves, the modern woman is happy enough to skip lunch but adamant about having tea and buttered toast.

The races end and, as Bingo wants to stay on a little, Rosie asks Bertie to drive her and Laura home. Just as they’ve got to the complete back of beyond the car stutters and rolls to a halt. There’s some comic business as the two women (Rosie and Laura) send Bertie to an isolated house they see half a mile away to get some petrol but when he bangs on the door it is opened by an infuriated man who has only just managed to get his baby off to sleep, and who refuses to give petrol.

After some more business they see a light approaching along the now dark road and Bertie runs toward it to flag it down and discovers it is Bingo and Jeeves. Bingo jumps out, tells Jeeves to wait five minutes, and walks up the road with Bertie. This is so they can secretly listen to Rosie and Pyke who, lacking their afternoon tea, have begun to bicker and argue. Their argument grows in intensity till Laura insults Rosie’s latest book!

After five minutes Jeeves drives up and Laura, furious with Rosie, demands that Jeeves drives her home.

Rosie is thrilled that Bingo has arrived to rescue her but a little cross with him for not filling the car up. Bingo insists he did and says the real fault is some car mechanic stuff (which he’s clearly made up on the spot in order to blind her with manly car know-how:

‘What’s wrong is probably that the sprockets aren’t running true with the differential gear. It happens that way sometimes. I’ll fix it in a second.’

Meanwhile he also assuages her longing for ‘tea’ by taking Rosie to the nearby house – despite Bertie’s warnings that the inhabitant is a beast – and intimidating the man into giving Rosie tea, impressing Rosie, restoring her faith in her husband which is the point of the entire exercise.

She turned for an instant to Bingo, and there was a look in her eyes that one of those damsels in distress might have given the knight as he shot his cuffs and turned away from the dead dragon. It was a look of adoration, of almost reverent respect. Just the sort of look, in fact, that a husband likes to see.

While she is inside, Bertie and Bingo refuel the car with the petrol tin they brought with them so they can retrieve Rosie after she’s refreshed by tea and all toddle home. It had been Jeeves’s idea to almost empty the tank, ensuring the ladies broke down in the middle of nowhere confident that, having had no lunch and now being deprived of tea, they would have a big fight. And then arranged for Bingo to turn up like a knight in shining armour and play the hero to his wife. Well done, Jeeves!

‘He’s a marvel.’
‘A wonder.’
‘A wizard.’
‘A stout fellow,’

10. Indian Summer of an Uncle (March 1930)

Aunt Agatha tasks Bertie with breaking up the relationship between his Uncle George and a young waitress.

Fat Uncle George, whose full title is Lord Yaxley, falls in love with a waitress named Miss Rhoda Platt and is threatening to marry her. Jeeves knows all about it, of course, and that the girl is a waitress who lives in East Dulwich. Aunt Agatha storms in and orders Bertie to go to East Dulwich straightaway and offer the girl £100 to cancel the engagement. Bertie drives down to the girl’s place, Wistaria Lodge, and encounters her stout, imposing aunt, who tells him Rhoda is in bed with the flu. There’s some comic business when she at first takes Bertie to be a doctor and asks him to examine his knee. Once that’s sorted out, Bertie loses his nerve and can’t bring himself to raise the subject with the aunt or offer her the money.

He returns to his flat where Aunt Agatha is waiting and she is furious at his failure. At this point he calls in Jeeves who, of course, fixes things. Jeeves suggests they invite Uncle George for lunch to meet the girl’s stout aunt: once he sees her and learns that she will move in if he marries the girl, it will put him off the match. Aunt Agatha ridicules this suggestion and insists that Bertie continues with the money option but, once she’s left, Bertie tells Jeeves to arrange the lunch.

When Bertie asks how Jeeves knows about Rhoda, Jeeves replies that a friend of his, another valet, named Smethurst (valet to a Colonel Mainwaring-Smith), wants to marry this Rhoda and had an ‘understanding’ with her, until she met Uncle George. Now she is torn between love for Smethurst, a man of her own station in life, and the opportunity of marrying a man with a title.

Next morning Bertie awakes with a sense of impending doom. At lunchtime Rhoda’s aunt, Mrs Wilberforce, arrives. In casual chat she stuns Bertie by telling him how she used to work as a barmaid at the Criterion. Now the thing is, as backstory earlier on, Bertie had told Jeeves (and the reader) that Uncle George had done this kind of thing – falling for a member of the lower classes – once before, years ago – with a barmaid at the Criterion, and had only just been talked out of it by the family. Could this be the self-same barmaid? Well, this is a comic story so the answer is, of course, Yes!

Panic-stricken, Bertie tells Jeeves to call Uncle George and cancel lunch but it’s too late because he arrives at just that moment, enters the drawing room and is astonished and delighted to encounter his beloved of all those years ago, immediately using their old pet names:

‘Piggy?’
‘Maudie!’

Bertie doesn’t hang around to see any more but legs it off to his club, the Drones Club. Here he gets a call from Aunt Agatha who, to his surprise, sounds happy. She explains this is because Uncle George has told her he’s called off the plan to marry Miss Rhoda and instead is going to marry a Mrs Wilberforce, a woman closer to his own age. The comic point is that Aunt Agatha mistakenly believes Mrs Wilberforce belongs to an aristocratic family.

‘I wonder which Wilberforces that would be. There are two main branches of the family — the
Essex Wilberforces and the Cumberland Wilberforces. I believe there is also a cadet branch somewhere in Shropshire.’

Bertie dare not point out her mistake, returns to his flat and confronts Jeeves. Surely this is a disaster! But Jeeves smoothly puts him right. He explains that 1) Smethurst asked him to break up Rhoda and Uncle George and that 2) Mrs Wilberforce might actually be a good match for Uncle George: he keeps going off the rails because he is an unsupervised bachelor. Even during lunch she was commenting on his overweight and recommending a healthier regime. She might be a blessing in disguise.

As to Aunt Agatha who will, no doubt, be furious, maybe a little trip abroad?

11. The Ordeal of Young Tuppy (April 1930)

Every year aristocratic households live in fear of who Bertie will go and stay with for Christmas. This year it’s Sir Reginald Witherspoon, Bart, of Bleaching Court, Upper Bleaching, Hampshire. A consideration is that Tuppy Glossop will be there and Bertie is still brooding his revenge after the swimming pool humiliation.

But plans are interrupted by the arrival of Aunt Agatha with news that Tuppy appears to be reneging on his engagement to Angela, Aunt Dahlia’s daughter, in favour of some ‘dog girl’ he’s met at this place Bleaching Court. Dahlia tells Bertie to tell Jeeves to sort it out.

So Bertie and Wooster motor down there, coming across Tuppy mooning over the girl en route. Once arrived and unpacking, Tuppy bounces in to explain the meaning of the telegram he sent Bertie. In it he asks him to bring 1) his football boots and 2) an Irish water-spaniel spaniel. The dog was designed to impress the girl and her parents (Bertie didn’t bring one). The football boots (which Bertie did bring) are to enable Tuppy to take part in the annual village football match between Upper Bleaching and Hockley-cum-Meston.

Jeeves tells Bertie that this football match is no mere sporting event but a primitive affair of great violence between two villages who hate each other. Bertie visits both villages and is horrified at the bloodthirsty language being bandied about. But when he warns Tuppy, the latter rejects it all, saying this is his big opportunity to impress the lovely Miss Dalgleish.

Wodehouse describes the match, which is in fact a form of barbarian rugby, with brilliant comic verve. Before the match Bertie had concocted a scheme whereby Jeeves would send a telegram purporting to come from Aunt Dahlia and telling Tuppy to return to London because Angela is ill and calling for him – but when he goes to deliver it to Tuppy, he realises he’s left it in the pocket of his other coat!00 It doesn’t matter, though, because, with a kind of comic inevitability, once his blood is up, Tuppy turns out to be a ferocious player, takes revenge on a red-haired player who’s been persecuting him and even scores a try!

Bertie gets back to his room at Bleaching Court and confides to Jeeves that he thinks the case is lost: he failed to deliver the telegram and Tuppy was the star of the game. However, at that moment Tuppy enters, still covered in mud, but a broken man. He explains that the lovely Miss Dalgleish wasn’t there and so didn’t see his heroic play! Apparently someone rang her from London claiming to have an Irish water-spaniel they wanted to sell her so she scorned the chance of seeing Tuppy risk his life for her and motored off to the capital, only to discover it was the wrong kind of spaniel after all.

He is gutted – disappointed in Miss Dalgliesh, what kind of life partner would she make! – and disillusioned with women as a sex.

Bertie mentions Angela but Tuppy crossly remembers the argument about her hat they had which led to them breaking up. it is now, at the perfect psychological moment, that Bertie retrieves the telegram he and Jeeves faked and hands it to Tuppy. When he reads that Angela in her delirium is calling his name, Tuppy melts, tells Bertie what a wonderful woman she is, asks to borrow his car so he can motor off to her bedside hot foot. And so he exits.

Just as Jeeves re-enters with the drink he ordered. By this stage even dim Bertie realises that it must have been Jeeves who made the mystery phone call to Miss Dalgliesh inviting her to London to see the phantom Irish water-spaniel, and Jeeves admits as much. But what will happen when Tuppy arrives in London and finds Angela very much not ill in bed and feverishly calling Tuppy’s name? Jeeves has phoned Aunt Dahlia and told her to manage the situation.

And thus concludes the eleventh and final short story in the collection.

Cast

  • Bertie Wooster
  • Jeeves
  • Aunt Agatha aka Mrs Gregson – ‘on the occasions when my Aunt Agatha is perturbed strong men dive down drain-pipes to get out of her way’ – rudely referred to as ‘the Family Curse’
  • Spenser Gregson – Aunt Agatha’s (first) husband, big on the Stock Exchange, ‘recently cleaned up to an amazing extent in Sumatra Rubber’
  • Cousin Thomas – Agatha’s mischievous son
    • Purvis – their butler
  • Mr A.B. Filmer – cabinet minister, president of the Anti-Tobacco League, in Bertie’s view a ‘superfatted bore’, character in ‘Jeeves and the Impending Doom’
  • Bingo Little – old pal of Bertie’s from school, always getting into trouble
  • Rosie M. Banks – married to Bingo, celebrated authoress of romantic tripe
  • Oliver ‘Sippy’ Sipperly – old pal of Bertie’s, currently ‘editor of a weekly paper devoted to the interests of the lighter Society’
  • Waterbury – Sippy’s old headmaster – ‘a large, important-looking bird with penetrating eyes, a Roman nose, and high cheekbones. Authoritative’
  • Miss Gwendolen Moon – authoress of ‘Autumn Leaves,’ ‘ ’Twas on an English June,’ and other works, beloved of Sippy
  • Sir Roderick Glossop – nerve specialist aka the ‘loony doctor’
  • Tuppy Glossop – nephew of Sr Roderick, who played the wicked trick on Bertie at a swimming pool, who he conspired to humiliate by bursting his hot water bottle in ‘Jeeves and the Yule-tide Spirit’ but who he helps dump an unsuitable opera singer girlfriend, Cora Bellingham, in ‘Jeeves and the Song of Songs’
  • Cora Bellingham – large opera singer who dumps Tuppy
  • Miss Roberta ‘Bobbie’ Wickham – red-haired girl who Bertie fancies until she is revealed as a prankster in ‘Jeeves and the Yule-tide Spirit’
  • Blumenfeld – the American theatrical impresario in ‘Jeeves and the Dog McIntosh’ – ‘A large, round, fat, overflowing bird, who might quite easily, if stirred, fall on a fellow and flatten him to the carpet’
  • Blumenfeld fils – brattish son
  • Gwladys Pendlebury – artist who Bertie thinks he’s in love with in ‘Jeeves and the Spot of Art’
  • Lucius Pim – artist and rival for the affections of Gwladys Pendlebury
  • Mrs Slingsby – Pim’s sister, who blames Bertie for running Lucius over
  • Mr Slingsby – her husband, a pushy American who threatens to assault Bertie
  • Miss Mapleton – Aunt Agatha’s friend who runs a girls’ school in Bingley
  • Clementina – Bobbie’s 13-year-old cousin who attends St. Monica’s school for girls
  • Lady Wickham
  • Anstruther – an old friend of Aunt Dahlia’s late father, prone to nervous collapses
  • Lord ‘Jack’ Snettisham
  • Lady Jane Snettisham
  • Bonzo Travers – son of Aunt Dahlia
  • Mrs Wilberforce – the waitress Rhoda’s aunt, who turns out to be the waitress Uncle George fell in love with a generation earlier, in ‘Indian Summer of an Uncle’

Bertie’s character

As Aunt Agatha puts it, addressing Bertie:

‘Mr Filmer is a serious-minded man of high character and purpose, and you are just the type of vapid and frivolous wastrel against which he is most likely to be prejudiced.’

And again:

‘I have always known that you were an imbecile, Bertie,’ said the flesh-and-blood, now down at about three degrees Fahrenheit, ‘but I did suppose that you had some proper feeling, some pride, some respect for your position.’

And:

‘Bertie,’ said Aunt Dahlia, with a sort of frozen calm, ‘You are the Abysmal Chump… It’s simply because I am fond of you and have influence with the Lunacy Commissioners that you weren’t put in a padded cell years ago…’

As Bertie himself puts it.

Those who know Bertram Wooster best are aware that in his journey through life he is impeded and generally snootered by about as scaly a collection of aunts as was ever assembled.

I explained as much to the fair cargo and received in return a ‘Tchah!’ from the Pyke that nearly lifted the top of my head off. What with having a covey of female relations who have regarded me from childhood as about ten degrees short of a half-wit, I have become rather a connoisseur of ‘Tchahs,’ and the Pyke’s seemed to me well up in Class A, possessing much of the timbre and brio of my Aunt Agatha’s.

And:

Every year, starting about the middle of November, there is a good deal of anxiety and apprehension among owners of the better-class of country-house throughout England as to who will get Bertram Wooster’s patronage for the Christmas holidays. It may be one or it may be another. As my Aunt Dahlia says, you never know where the blow will fall.

All compared with Jeeves’s omniscience:

‘There are very few things in this world, Aunt Agatha,’ I said gravely, ‘that Jeeves doesn’t know all about.’

Slang

The last time I had seen old Sippy, you must remember, he had had all the appearance of a man who didn’t know it was loaded.

He looked as if he had been taking as much as will cover a sixpence every morning before breakfast for years.

The fixture was scratched owing to events occurring which convinced the old boy that I was off my napper.

It seemed to me that things were beginning to look pretty scaly.

He [Jeeves] has a nasty way of conveying the impression that he looks on Bertram Wooster as a sort of idiot child who, but for him, would conk in the first chukka.

How any doom or disaster could lurk behind the simple pronging of a spot of dinner together, I failed to see.

‘Take it from me, Aunt Agatha, I’ve studied human nature and I don’t believe there’s a female in the world who could sec Uncle George fairly often in those waistcoats he wears without feeling that it was due to her better self to give him the gate.’

An unseen hand without tootled on the bell, and I braced myself to play the host. The binge was on.

I slid away. The last I saw of them, Uncle George was down beside her on the Chesterfield, buzzing hard.

It was — what’s the word I want? — it was plausible, of course, but still I shook the onion.

‘Bertie,’ said Aunt Dahlia — and I could see her generous nature was stirred to its depths — ‘one more crack like that out of you, and I shall forget that I am an aunt and hand you one.’
I became soothing. I gave her the old oil.

‘We must put a bit of a jerk in it and save young Tuppy in spite of himself.’

I thought ‘tuning out’ was a modern idiom, maybe dating from the 1960s. Apparently not. In ‘Indian Summer of an Uncle’, Jeeves embarks on a long explanation and Bertie comments:

I saw that this was going to take some time. I tuned out.

Bertie’s cheerful philistinism

As Shakespeare says, if you’re going to do a thing you might just as well pop right at it and get it over.

‘You want time to think, eh?’
‘Yes, sir.’
‘Take it, Jeeves, take it. You may feel brainier after a night’s sleep. What is it Shakespeare calls sleep, Jeeves?’
‘Tired Nature’s sweet restorer, sir.’
‘Exactly. Well, there you are, then.’

‘Remember what the poet Shakespeare said, Jeeves.’
‘What was that, sir?’
‘”Exit hurriedly, pursued by a bear.” You’ll find it in one of his plays. I remember drawing a picture of it on the side of the page, when I was at school.’

‘Yes, sir. Smethurst — his name is Smethurst — would consider it a consummation devoutly to be
wished.’
‘Rather well put, that, Jeeves. Your own?’
‘No, sir. The Swan of Avon, sir.’

Actually, reading them in chronological order, it feels like there are more and more literary references in the stories, played for laughs of course, but increasingly evident. For example ‘Indian Summer of an Uncle’ contains several references to Shakespeare, and to Robert Burns and Tennyson, and others are liberally scattered about:

JEEVES: ‘An invalid undoubtedly exercises a powerful appeal to the motherliness which exists in every woman’s heart, sir. Invalids seem to stir their deepest feelings. The poet Scott has put the matter neatly in the lines — ‘Oh, Woman in our hours of case uncertain, coy, and hard to please… When pain and anguish rack the brow.’
I held up a hand.
‘At some other time, Jeeves,’ I said, ‘I shall be delighted to hear you your piece, but just now I am
not in the mood.’

Memorable moments

‘Are wives often like that? Welcoming criticism of the lord and master, I mean?’
‘They are generally open to suggestions from the outside public with regard to the improvement of their husbands, sir.’
‘That is why married men are wan, what?’
‘Yes, sir.’

I heard Aunt Agatha rumble like a volcano just before it starts to set about the neighbours, but I did not wilt.

The stupid narrator

Literary critics and writers themselves have long known about the so-called ‘unreliable narrator’, who tells the story but you slowly realise is giving you a biased account. There’s a moment in ‘Indian Summer of an Uncle’ when Bertie is being more than usually obtuse, when the reader has realised the family he’s visiting has mistaken him for a doctor but it takes Bertie five minutes longer than the reader to realise this, while all the time he describes himself as being sharp and alert and quick to spot things.. A bit belatedly (like Bertie himself) I realised that, in Bertie Wooster, we are dealing with the stupid narrator, a narrator whose dimness has been laid on for our comic amusement.

And at the same moment I realised there’s a family resemblance with Captain Hastings whose obtuseness is exaggerated in order to promote the suave cleverness of Hercule Poirot in Agatha Christie’s detective novels.

(There’s actually a real world connection here, because the lovely character actor, Jonathan Cecil, played Captain Hastings to Peter Ustinov’s Hercule Poirot in three Agatha Christie TV adaptations in the 1980s, and he also recorded audiobooks of a number of the Jeeves books. According to Wikipedia ‘He might have been more strongly identified with narration of the series than any other actor.’ He was eminently qualified to do so, having himself attended Eton and New College Oxford.)

P.G. Wodehouse and Sherlock Holmes

It’s amazing how large the shadow of Sherlock Holmes loomed, for generations after his invention. I’ve pointed out in my Agatha Christie reviews that almost every single one of her detective novels features at least one reference to the master detective; and that the relationship between dim Captain Hastings and super-smart Hercule Poirot echoes or is built on the template of slow Dr Watson and the omniscient Holmes. Well, same here. I’m hardly the first to point out that the relationship between incredibly dim Bertie Wooster and super-smart Jeeves is based on the same basic structure.

Wodehouse nowhere mentions Holmes by name but this thought was triggered by the way each of these stories is actually very like one of Holmes’s cases, with a knotty problem set out at the beginning, Bertie following a number of false leads, only for Jeeves to dazzlingly solve it in the end.

And this notion of ‘cases’ is made explicit in ‘The Ordeal of Young Tuppy’:

‘You remember the trouble we had when he ran after that singing-woman.’
I recollected the case. You will find it elsewhere in the archives.

This use of ‘case’, and also the reference to ‘the archives’, are very reminiscent of the way Dr Watson refers to his files of Holmes cases.

Alas, the times

BERTIE: ‘Twice during dinner tonight the Pyke said things about young Bingo’s intestinal canal which I shouldn’t have thought would have been possible in mixed company even in this lax post-War era.’

BERTIE: ‘You tell me that Sebastian Moon, a stripling of such tender years that he can go about the place with long curls without causing mob violence, is in love with Clara Bow?”
JEEVES: ‘And has been for some little time, he gave me to understand, sir.’
BERTIE: ‘Jeeves, this Younger Generation is hot stuff.’
JEEVES: ‘Yes, sir.’

BERTIE: ‘What do you think about it yourself?’
RHODA’S AUNT: ‘Oh, it doesn’t matter what I think. There’s no doing anything with girls these days, is there?’
BERTIE: ‘Not much.’
RHODA’S AUNT: ‘What I often say is, I wonder what girls are coming to. Still, there it is.’
BERTIE: ‘Absolutely.’

And mocking contemporary fiction. There are a surprising number of writers in the Jeeves stories, although somehow disguised by the poshboy banter. Bingo Little has married an author of ladies romances such as Mervyn Keene, Clubman, and Only A Factory Girl, leading Bertie to ponder:

I shouldn’t wonder if right from the start Mrs. Bingo hasn’t had a sort of sneaking regret that Bingo isn’t one of those strong, curt, Empire-building kind of Englishmen she puts into her books, with sad, unfathomable eyes, lean, sensitive hands, and riding-boots. You see what I mean?’
‘Precisely, sir.’

Freud

If you’ve read my Agatha Christie reviews, you’ll know I’m interested in the spread of references to Freud or Freudian ideas in popular fiction of the 1920s. There are several references scattered among the Jeeves short stories, not least because one of the recurring characters, Sir Roderick Glossop, is a nerve specialist or psychiatrist. Here’s another one, from ‘Jeeves and the Old School Chum’ published in 1930, made humorous by the stock contrast between Jeeves’s intellectual fluency and Bertie’s dimness.

‘Precisely, sir. You imply that Miss Pyke’s criticisms will have been instrumental in moving the
hitherto unformulated dissatisfaction from the subconscious to the conscious mind.’
‘Once again, Jeeves?’ I said, trying to grab it as it came off the bat, but missing it by several yards.
He repeated the dose.
‘Well, I daresay you’re right,’ I said.


Related links

Related reviews

P.S. Plans

I won’t draw a plan, because my experience is that, when you’re reading one of those detective stories and come to the bit where the author draws a plan of the Manor, showing room where body was found, stairs leading to passageway, and all the rest of it, one just skips. I’ll simply explain in a few brief words.

Fallen Angels by Noel Coward (1925)

WILLY: The car’s downstairs.
FRED: How very thoughtful of you not to bring it up.

JANE (writing a note to Maurice): ‘C’est amusant, n’est-ce pas’ – but it isn’t, particularly.

JULIA: It’s all such ridiculous nonsense.

Twitter-length executive summary

Two rich married women get roaring drunk while planning adultery with the same French lover.

Slightly longer summary

Julia and Fred Sterroll and Willy and Jane Banbury are happily married and the best of friends, until a postcard arrives with news of the imminent arrival of a handsome Frenchman who both women had affairs with years earlier – which throws the two wives into a tizzy of expectation.

Or:

Two married women, living a life of passionless boredom, whip themselves into a state of sexual excitement over the return of a former lover. In the play’s celebrated central act they get riotously tipsy as they await the nocturnal arrival of the Gallic Romeo. But, having stoked up the sexual fires, Coward banks them down again in the finely symmetrical final act as each woman falsely believes the other has had a secret assignation with the Gallic intruder.

Or:

Jane and Julia are happily married to pleasant if boring husbands when a message arrives from a former flame of both of them, sending their staid lives into a tizzy. It appears a man with whom they’d each had a passionate tryst in the past is planning a visit, which sets them both questioning whether they can – or want to – withstand his charms.

While the husbands are off playing golf, the ladies plot and plan over copious glasses of champagne (with some help from their worldly housekeeper, Saunders) while awaiting the arrival of their former lover.

A more woke/progressive summary

‘Fallen Angels’ is a biting and hilarious comedy about the rivalry between two bored married women as they await the arrival of their exotic former lover. Dramatising female sexual desire and frustration, the play’s first performances in 1925 outraged the critics, who claimed to find it shocking and obscene. But rather than insulting British womanhood (as its scandalised opponents asserted) Coward’s sharp, entertaining script incisively draws attention to male sexual hypocrisy, while probing the vacuous lives of the play’s privileged protagonists.

Plot summary

Act 1

We are in the living room of Julia and Fred, happily married for five years. We are introduced to Julia and Fred’s newly employed maid, Jasmine who, however, they agree to call Saunders. Saunders is disconcertingly well educated e.g. knows more about golf than Fred, can play the piano better than Julia, can speak French better than Jane.

Fred is packing his stuff ready to go off for a golf weekend with Willy. Willy arrives to collect him and they depart. After being humiliated by Saunders’ superior piano playing, Julia is forced to answer the door herself and let her friend Jane in.

(The trope of the clever servant who knows more than and outsmarts his masters and mistresses is a very ancient one, that goes back through Restoration comedy and Shakespeare, to ancient Rome – where the role was called the servus callidus or clever slave – and, before that, back to ancient Greek comedy, and flourished as a stock character in comedy throughout the 18th and 19th centuries. What’s amazing is that the notion of Saunders being smarter than her employers still gets a laugh two and a half thousand years later. Human nature, human relations, and the comedy of human relations, doesn’t appear to change much.)

Jane bursts in with appalling news: Maurice, a lovely Frenchman they both had a passion for in the days before they were married, has sent a postcard saying he’s coming to London, arriving any moment. This triggers panic mixed with nostalgia and giggling memories of their naughtiness. They agonise a bit, not much, about what to do to avoid him: should they leave London, leave the country?

Julia in fact quickly gets dressed and packs a small suitcase to run away but as the two women approach the apartment door to exit, the bell rings and they freeze! Dramatic end of act 1!!

Act 2

I was expecting the dashing Frenchman to stride in and create havoc. Instead there’s a powerful sense of anti-climax because Act 2 opens with the two women lounging around on sofas, bored, and asking Saunders to fix them drinks. What happened? Who rang the doorbell so dramatically?

A few minutes into the act the ladies reveal that the fateful ring at the bell was… the plumber! And then a friend, Lady Coswick, arrived for a visit – in other words, they’ve experienced a series of disappointments which have only built up the latent frustration we are about to witness…

This act consists of 15 minutes of watching two posh 1920s ladies not only getting drunk but showing theatrical symptoms of sexual arousal and frustration.

JANE: You know what we’re doing, don’t you? We’re working ourselves up. We have been all day. Oh, I should like to scream and scream and scream and roll around on the floor.

Jane goes on to say, with comic bathos, that it must be… lack of food getting her so worked up. Yes. That’s what it is. Not lack of ****. Moments later Saunders calls them for dinner which consists of oysters, the famous aphrodisiac, and as they continue troughing, Jane declares:

JANE: Oh I adore this little sausage with my egg.

Coward was doing as much as the censor allowed to portray two married women on heat. Surely it’s this, not the pair’s drunkenness, which outraged the savvier moral critics.

As they get really plastered the two women’s sexual rivalry comes out (as so often with Coward characters) in a sustained and furious argument, and Act 2 ends with Jane storming out, claiming that she is going ‘straight to Maurice’, while Julia collapses on her sofa in hysterics.

Act 3

Next morning, Julia is painfully hungover, as Saunders serves her a hard-boiled egg.

Willy (Jane’s husband) arrives unexpectedly and tells Julia he had an argument with Fred (as Coward characters so often do) and so abandoned the golfing weekend early, leaving Fred at the hotel at Chichester. Willy asks where Jane is and Julia is shocked to learn she isn’t at Willy’s house, immediately leaping to the conclusion that she really did storm off and spend the night with the legendary Maurice. She’s so furious at her rival stealing a march on her that she angrily tells Willy everything. Bluff old Willy can’t believe it.

JULIA: She’s gone off with a man.
WILLY: What?
JULIA: A Frenchman.
WILLY: Nonsense. She can’t have. You’re unhinged.
JULIA: I’m perfectly hinged…

That’s as good as the jokes and the punchlines get i.e. weak. It’s the basic situation and the permission it gives the actors to go way over the top which provides most of the entertainment. Compare the flaring shouting matches in ‘Hay Fever’ or ‘Private Lives’ or ‘Design for Living’. I don’t think characters in Oscar Wilde‘s plays shout because they don’t need to, they dispense withering barbs and witty ripostes. Whereas most of the characters in the three Coward plays I’ve read so far quite rapidly resort to insensate, furious shouting and abuse, and this is supposed to be funny.

Anyway, Julia yells at Willy that he must leave and that she’s coming with him in order to track down Jane and they exit leaving the stage empty.

A few moments later the phone rings and Saunders the servant enters to answer it. It is ‘Maurice’, the man Julia and Jane has spilled so many furious words waiting for who has, ironically, rung when neither of them are around. Farce.

Fred (Julia’s husband) unexpectedly arrives and moments later Jane (Willy’s wife) arrives, in obvious evening dress. When Fred asks where his wife has gone, the maid says she just left with a man (not knowing Willy’s name) and Jane leaps to the conclusion that she’s left with Maurice. And, exactly as Julia told Fred that his wife, Jane, had left him, now Jane tells Fred that his wife, Julia, has run off, with a Frenchman, and abandoned him.

Jane explains that both Julia and Jane and had an affair with the same man and Fred reacts exactly as Willy did i.e. accusing Jane of telling lies and being a depraved monster. He is just dragging her to the door so they can go and find Julia and this Maurice fellow when they bump into Julia and Fred coming the other way i.e. the two women confront each other.

At which point they both quickly clarify that neither of them have been off with Maurice. When their husbands confront them with what they’ve said, the women realise that in their anger they’ve given the game away and so gotten each other in trouble. Now they close ranks and rack their brains for some way to talk themselves out of it and… have the inspiration to declare it was all a joke. They were making it up. it was a practical joke ha ha ha. They are in the middle of trying to sell this implausible story to their sceptical husbands when…

Saunders announces a visitor and the legendary Maurice sweeps in!

He straightaway kisses both ladies but the husbands are understandably disgruntled. Julia and Jane quickly explain the situation to Maurice – i.e. only 60 seconds earlier they told both their husbands that they’d had affairs with him and ‘Oh my God, what are they going to do!?’

Thinking quickly on his feet, Maurice comes up with a solution and turns to the husbands. He has come up with a solution which suits the limited mentality of these two boringly conventional men, and now delivers a thumpingly clean and impeccable moral point. Maybe, he says with a great flourish of moral concern, maybe Englishmen take their wives a little too much for granted; maybe they should pay more attention to their wives!

And he goes on to concoct the (truly ridiculous) idea that he and the girls are simply old friends and concocted the story of them having had affairs with him back in the day as a joke, a contrivance, a scheme to shock the husbands out of their complacency.

Even more ridiculous than this hastily cobbled-together excuse, is the way the two dim husbands believe him, and promptly apologise to their wives, promising to love them better in future. I know it’s a farce, but the men are portrayed as unbelievably dim. This is only a fraction above the tradition of Whitehall farces.

At which point Maurice makes the genuine revelation, which takes everyone by surprise, that he’s come to stay in London and has rented the flat directly above Julia and Fred’s for a year! Jane collapses in hysterical laughter.

Maurice goes on explain that the flat needs furnishing and decorating and asks the girls if they will come and view it for him. And so, before the husbands can stop them, Maurice sweeps the two glamorous wives out the front door and away to his place…

Very dim Fred is just saying how much he likes this French chappy to Willy’s scornful scepticism, when they both hear a piano playing from the flat above. Going out onto the balcony they listen and (in the TV production I watched) we cut to Maurice sitting at a piano, playing beautifully and singing the same sentimental love song which captured the girls’ hearts all those years ago, while they sit either side of him, mooning and spooning and swooning on his shoulder. Boom boom.

Thoughts about comedy

As I noted in my notes on ‘The Vortex’ and ‘Hay Fever’, there is a general tone of amusement and some of the characters’ behaviour in those plays is actively funny (like Judith Bliss’s taking every opportunity to play a Grand Scene in ‘Hay Fever’) but one of the most striking things about Coward’s texts is the paucity of actual jokes. There are many lines which gesture towards being jokes, which sound like jokes, with punchlines and everything, but which aren’t actually funny.

At the start of Act 2 Julia and Jane ask Saunders to make them strong cocktails, which triggers her (Saunders) to give a little speech:

SAUNDERS: If you’ll allow me to say so Madam, several drinks never did any harm, it’s only the first drink which is dangerous; after that the damage is done.

It’s sort of amusing but very slight, not laugh-out-loud funny unless you have a very low threshold for humour. Its sententious quality makes me expect an Oscar Wilde type of unexpected reversal, a genuinely clever paradox. But Coward rarely rises to that level. Something similar with the unhinged/hinged line I quoted earlier. Fairly good. Sort of funny. Not a real gutbuster, though.

These kind of ‘jokes’ are severely rationed with only about three gags per play.

The critics

Feminist

Earnest modern critics have to say that it’s a penetrating study of female sexuality and desire, that the play interrogates gender roles in a patriarchal society, and generally trot out all the other clichés of progressive critical theory, because it’s what they’re paid to teach and write.

To the unprejudiced eye it could easily be read as the exact opposite: as a comically exaggerated caricature of two middle-aged sex-starved matrons who display a shopping list of caricatured behaviour (champagne, oysters), panting and flushing with arousal, then over-dressing and overdoing their make-up in a pathetic attempt to outdo each other in attractiveness to a man; generally acting out every sexist stereotype. The opposite of feminism.

Take your pick which interpretation you prefer.

The continental cliché

If anything, the entire thing conforms to and shouts to the rooftops another hoary old stereotype, which is that English men are jolly decent but extremely boring chaps, whereas Continental men, especially French men, have a ‘je ne sais quoi’ which dull practical golf-playing Englishmen will never have. That foreign men are sexy in a way few British men can match. This perception was still as widely held in the 1970s of my boyhood as in the 1920s when the play was written.

Contextual

Taking a more historical approach, we read that:

Fallen Angels was produced the stage at a time when alcoholism was barely mentioned onstage. Therefore its portrayal of two middle class ladies getting plastered (the second half of the play is entirely taken up with an alcoholic duologue between the two women) was decried as ‘degenerate’, ‘vile’, ‘obscene’, ‘shocking’.

As I mentioned, I would have thought it wasn’t so much the drinking as the two women being so evidently aroused that would have caused scandal. But maybe that only comes over in the post-permissive 1970s production I watched and was toned down to invisibility in the original productions.

Contemporary critics

The Wikipedia article quotes a variety of contemporary theatre reviews of which I thought The Observer one was most apt, both for this and the other Coward plays I’ve read and watched: the Observer critic thought it was ‘neither a great nor a good play’ on account of its overt theatricality and lack of depth, but nonetheless declared himself ‘vastly amuse[d]’ by it. Coward in a nutshell.

The Lord Chamberlain’s view

The Lord Chamberlain was the official censor for plays on the British stage. Apparently one of his staff thought the sight of two married women getting drunk on stage was immoral so argued that the play shouldn’t be given a licence to be performed. The Lord Chamberlain sagely overruled him, stating: ‘I take the view that the whole thing is so much unreal farcical comedy, that subject to a few modifications in the dialogue it can pass.’

‘Unreal farcical comedy’ is as good a summary as any.

1974 TV production

I’m watching the best modern Coward productions I can find on YouTube. For this I watched the 1974 TV dramatisation starring Joan Collins as Jane (married to Willy) and Susannah York as Julia (married to Fred) and the impossibly dashing Sacha Distel as Maurice.


Related links

Related reviews

Hay Fever by Noel Coward (1925)

JUDITH: You must forgive me for having rather peculiar children.

SOREL: We’re a beastly family, and I hate us… we’ve spent our lives cultivating the Arts and not devoting any time to ordinary conventions and manners and things.

MYRA (furiously): Well, I’m not going to spare your feelings, or anyone else’s. You’re the most infuriating set of hypocrites I’ve ever seen. This house is a complete feather-bed of false emotions—you’re posing, self-centred egotists, and I’m sick to death of you.

SIMON (over his shoulder): Ha, ha!—very funny.

Executive summary

In a country house near Cookham live the Bliss family, father, mother, young adult son and daughter. Without telling the others, they each invite a guest down for the weekend, but behave so selfishly and rudely that after an embarrassing Saturday afternoon, and excruciating Saturday evening, on the Sunday morning all four guests run away while the Blisses are so busy having a massive family row that they don’t notice their departure.

More froth. Having come across the word ‘flippant’ to describe Coward it’s stuck in my mind as the best word to describe his approach. Flippant, sarcastic, lofty, dismissive, it may well have captured the cynicism of the younger generation of upper-middle-class families he portrays, but it makes for tiresome reading.

‘Hay Fever’ is said by some to be Coward’s most perfect comedy. In my opinion a comedy has to be funny, or it at least helps. Coward characters overflow with deliberately silly and frivolous comments which aren’t funny in themselves, but continually signal the facetious flippant mentality which is his schtick.

SOREL: Everybody’s heard of Richard Greatham.
SIMON: How lovely for them.

That strikes me as being schoolboy level and indeed a lot of Coward’s characters behave like children,  like spoiled adolescents, have the psychology of sarcastic teenagers. When Sorel (a young woman) tells  her sarcastic brother, Simon, that she’s invited a guest to come and stay, Richard Greatham, a chap who works in the Foreign Office, Simon says:

SIMON: Will he have the papers with him?
SOREL: What papers?
SIMON (vaguely): Oh, any papers.
SOREL: I wish you’d confine your biting irony to your caricatures, Simon.

Is this biting irony? No, it’s a mildly amusing bit of banter. And this is characteristic of the way all the characters, and by implication the author, talk themselves up, make grandiose gestures out of what are, in reality, very mundane arguments and misunderstandings. Which is why Coward’s plays have this peculiar quality of making quite a big impact at the time and then later, in memory, feel so empty.

Or else the tone is just camply bitchy. When Sorel asks the maid, Clara, whether she’s put flowers in the Japanese room, where he’s going to be put up, Simon, having taken against this chap Greatly, bitchily comments:

SOREL: You haven’t forgotten to put those flowers in the Japanese room?
SIMON: The Japanese room is essentially feminine, and entirely unsuited to the Pet of the Foreign Office.
SOREL: Shut up, Simon.

This could be delivered as camp bitchiness, but is really teenage sarcasm. It’s mildly distracting but not funny. As the play progressed I realised the most important bit was Sorel’s immediate anger. The point of the play is how quick each member of the Bliss family is to get angry with any of the others. Very self-absorbed argumentative family, that’s the point.

Then there’s the comedy of snobbery pure and simple.

SOREL: Clara says Amy’s got toothache.
JUDITH: Poor dear! There’s some oil of cloves in my medicine cupboard. Who is Amy?
SOREL: The scullery-maid, I think.
JUDITH: How extraordinary! She doesn’t look Amy a bit, does she? Much more Flossie.

This is the familiar caricature figure of the loveably out-of-touch parent or posh bourgeois who has no idea about their own servants. Hilarious.

Act 1. Saturday afternoon

All three acts are set in the same scene, the living room of the Blisses’ house at Cookham, in June.

Simon and Sorel are brother and sister (19), young whimsical and self-absorbed. Just like Florence and Nicky Lancaster in The Vortex, they consider themselves ‘abnormal’ and lament how they suffer for their ‘difference’.

SIMON: It’s no use worrying, darling; we see things differently, I suppose, and if people don’t like it they must lump it.

This is just another way of saying they’re special, which is, of course, what all narcissistic self-absorbed people think. And it is, notoriously, what self-involved theatre people, or ‘luvvies’, think about themselves. Different, special – more sensitive, spiritual, artistic and aware than ‘normal’ people.

And theatre audiences who have paid to attend the theatre have made a fairly obvious agreement that they will find the people on stage in some sense ‘special’, participants in a shaped narrative, otherwise why bother going to the theatre at all?

Actors on stage playing actors claiming the narcissistic attention which (some) actors notoriously think due to themselves – it’s like watching a baby or child in an adult body – this genre or trope has entertained audiences for over a century, and Simon and Sorel’s mother Judith is a prime example. She claims to have retired from the stage, though her children suspect it won’t be long before she takes it back up, because of the addiction to feeling special, to being in the limelight and the centre of attention. She tells us she’s invited a friend to stay this weekend, and goes on to explain:

JUDITH: He’s a perfect darling, and madly in love with me—at least, it isn’t me really, it’s my Celebrated Actress glamour—but it gives me a divinely cosy feeling.

An actress on stage describing how wonderful it is to be adored as an actress on stage. This is what the kids call ‘meta’, meaning ‘self-referential, referring to itself or to the conventions of its genre.’ I think Oscar Wilde’s characters, in plays and stories, constantly refer to playing a part, acting a role, posing, but do it as part of a consciously worked-out attitude to life, explained in great depth in his long essays. In Coward it just feels like a trick and a mannerism.

Anyway, brief summary: Simon is allegedly an artist, Sorel is his quick-tempered sister, mother Judith affects the absent-minded self-importance of a Grande Dame of the theatre, and the father, David, hides away in his study finishing his novel.

The four guests they’ve invited arrive, being:

  • Sandy Tyrell, a sporty young chap invited by Judith – ‘He’s a perfect darling, and madly in love with me’
  • Myra Arundel, sexy and strong-minded, invited by Simon – according to Judith ‘She’s far too old for you, and she goes about using Sex as a sort of shrimping net’ and calls her a ‘self-conscious vampire’ or vamp – a word just coming into common usage
  • Richard Greatham, an older man, iron-grey and tall, ‘a frightfully well-known diplomatist’, invited by Sorel
  • Jackie Coryton, small and shingled, ‘a perfectly sweet flapper’ invited by David – ‘she’s an abject fool, but a useful type, and I want to study her a little in domestic surroundings’

The Bliss family have a disconcerting habit of, without warning, dropping into a team performance of plays their mother once performed in. At several points during the weekend they suddenly drop into acting out one of Judith’s great hits, ‘Love’s Whirlwind’ and they’re acting out the climactic scene when the first of the guests arrive.

The guests arrive and are disconcerted to be very cursorily greeted, almost ignored by the Blisses.

MYRA: It’s useless to wait for introductions with the Blisses.

There are various moments of embarrassment. For example Sandy is taken aback when Judith tells him her husband is upstairs. He thought she was a widow. Simon fancies Myra like mad but she’s suave and standoffish. Soon after they’ve arrived urbane Richard and dim Jackie find themselves abandoned by their hosts, and left alone find they have nothing to talk about. Slowly they all realise they’re all there for various types of misunderstanding.

The casual rudeness of the Bliss’s, leaving various guests to work out where to go or try and make conversation, leads up to tea for everyone served by Clara the servant, at which conversation fizzles out as it starts to rain and they’re all stuck indoors with each other.

Act 2. Saturday evening

Everyone’s dressed for dinner. The first half of the act is taken up with an enormous squabble about which party game they should play, with the Blisses snapping at each other while the other guests try to understand what’s going on.

The game breaks up amid recriminations and arguments with David and Judith blaming each other from bringing up the children so badly. The characters break away, David going to his room, the others into the library or out into the garden. This leaves Judith the theatrical mother alone with Richard the mature diplomat and it turns out Richard doesn’t like Sorel at all, it’s Judith he’s in love with. There’s lots of flirting which leads up to him kissing her.

At this she leaps to her feet and melodramatically behaves as if they are having a torrid affair and agonising over how to tell her husband that their life together is over etc. This, I grant you, is very funny. Telling him she needs space to compose herself she pushes Richard out into the garden and preens in the mirror before going into the library. But here she discovers young Sandy the sportsman, who she invited down, locked in an embrace with Sorel.

Once again Judith switches into the role of the betrayed woman, making a Grand Scene.

SOREL: Mother, be natural for a minute.
JUDITH: I don’t know what you mean, Sorel.

Comically, Judith says she will make the Great Sacrifice of giving up Sandy and letting his and Sorel’s love prosper. As soon as she’s swept out, Sorel lights a cigarette and tells Sandy she doesn’t love him. But what about the scene they just had?

SORE: One always plays up to Mother in this house; it’s a sort of unwritten law… her sense of the theatre is always fatal.

They go back into the library leaving the stage empty. This is the setting for the third love scene, this time between the father, David, and wilful Myra. Note how the Blisses are pairing off not with the guests they invited. Musical chairs.

An enormous long scene as they flirt leading up to his taking her hand. She repeatedly tells him to let go and then slaps him. With sixpenny psychology, this leads them to suddenly fall into a passionate clinch. And with arch contrivance, this is precisely when Judith re-enters from her bedroom, coming down the stairs and capturing them in mid-kiss.

Obviously David and Myra are embarrassed but once again this is the pretext for Judith to play the Grande Dame, this time not with a florid burst of hysteria but with quite the opposite, an exaggerated display of Noble Restraint.

JUDITH: Life has dealt me another blow, but I don’t mind.

Cold-eyed Myra sees that this is all part of their family dynamic:

MYRA: You’re both making a mountain out of a mole-hill.

But Judith sweeps on in the part of Noble Self-Sacrificing Wife, saying she will leave the house now it has become too full of painful memories.

JUDITH: October is such a mournful month in England. I think I shall probably go abroad—perhaps a pension somewhere in Italy, with cypresses in the garden. I’ve always loved cypresses.

This is funny, as is the way David completely forgets that he’s supposed to be ‘in love’ with Myra in his admiration for Judith’s performance.

At the height of her display Simon comes running in from the garden and, in the fourth and final reshuffling of the characters’ initial allegiances, announces that he and the brainless flapper Jackie are engaged. And this triggers what, by now I’ve realised, is yet another performance from Judith, this time as The Mother Whose Children Are Growing Up And Leaving Home.

JUDITH (picturesquely): All my chicks leaving the nest. Now I shall only have my memories left. Jackie, come and kiss me.

There’s only one snag, which is that Jackie in no way loves Simon and eventually gets to explain that they had one little kiss then he leapt up and ran off to the house to tell his family. What you realise is that they’re all acting, all the Blisses seize on mundane events and blow them up out of all proportion in order to feed their own sense of the theatrical. Against this Myra is the voice of clear-eyed realism (as Helen is in The Vortex), and angrily tells them the truth:

MYRA: Don’t speak to me—I’ve been working up for this, only every time I opened my mouth I’ve been mowed down by theatrical effects. You haven’t got one sincere or genuine feeling among the lot of you—you’re artificial to the point of lunacy.

So that’s the key to the whole thing. It’s a group portrait of a family who live in their own incestuous over-dramatic theatrical reality.

And to seal the point, as all the characters descend into a huge bickering squabble, Richard the diplomat innocently asks ‘Is this a game’ without realising this is a line from the play the family often perform, ‘Love’s Whirlwind’ and, at a drop of a hat, Judith, Simon and Sorel drop into a performance of the melodramatic final scene while David enthusiastically applauds – leaving the four invited guests puzzled and aghast.

Act 3. Sunday morning

First thing in the morning in the dining room. Clara the servant has set the breakfast things in warming dishes on the side table. One by one the guests come down, Sandy, Jackie, Myra, Richard.

There’s a lot of comic business with Sandy developing hiccups and dim Jackie clumsily trying to help cure them, and then a comic thread where Richard taps the barometer in the hall and it promptly falls off the wall onto the floor and breaks and, mortified, he tries to hide it…

But the thrust of the scene is simple: all four guests agree the Bliss household is a madhouse and they can’t get away soon enough. They agree to pack their bags in a hurry and sneak out to Richard’s car, and this is what they do.

Once they’ve left the Blisses arrive one by one for breakfast. In a minor way they each do something symptomatic of their interests. Judith is gratified to find that she’s mentioned in a newspaper gossip column, Simon has drawn a new caricature which he shows the others to admire, and David comes downstairs excited because he’s completed the last chapter of the novel he’s writing (titled ‘The Sinful Woman’).

Excitedly he starts reading this final chapter to his family. It opens with a description of the heroine (Jane Sefton) driving her car (a Hispano cf Iris Storm’s car in The Green Hat) round Paris. Except that his family interrupt him to point out he’s got the geography of Paris wrong. To be precise they deny that the Rue St. Honoré leads into the Place de la Concorde, while David insists that it does. This escalates into a full-scale shouting match and it is during the family’s flaming argument that their four poor guests, unseen, sneak down the stairs carrying their bags, and out the front door.

The family argument is reaching a climax when the front door slams shut loudly which shuts them up. After a moment’s silence they then fall to criticising their guests and their extraordinary behaviour in leaving without even saying goodbye or thank you.

DAVID: People really do behave in the most extraordinary manner these days…

Thoughts

Taken for what it is, ‘Hay Fever’ is an affable evening’s entertainment, clocking in at an hour and a half, leaving plenty of time for drinks beforehand and supper somewhere nice afterwards. It is a perfect example of theatre as harmless entertainment and part of a charming night out, civilised and amusing.

It’s a kind of standing reproach to all those critics and intellectuals who want theatre to tear the mask off bourgeois society in the manner of Ibsen and Shaw or any of the post 1960s playwrights who see it as their task to question society’s values and address Big Issues. I can see how Coward fans see his work as a welcome antidote to all that, and his frothy emptiness as a statement in its own right.


Related links

Related reviews

The Importance of Being Earnest: A Trivial Comedy for Serious People by Oscar Wilde (1895)

‘My name is Ernest in town and Jack in the country.’

‘The Importance of Being Earnest’ is Oscar Wilde’s best and most performed play because in it he finally found a plotline which reflects his worldview. What I mean is that in the three previous plays (plus various essays) he had relentlessly promoted the value of the superficial over the ‘serious’, the trivial over the ‘important’, with a lead character (what I’ve called the Wilde avatar) spouting endless witticisms and one liners designed to invert and mock conventional Victorian values and expectations – about men and women, husbands and wives, sons and fathers, parliament and politics, art, morality, you name it.

The only problem was that, in his first three plays, the actual plots, the storylines, the heart of the actual dramas, were surprisingly conventional and relied entirely on traditional Victorian stereotypes of marriage, fidelity, trust and so on. In all three of them characters are so terrified of their partner’s infidelity or the risk of losing their reputations that they are reduced to moments of genuine anguish which are quite upsetting. And they all conclude with the thumpingly conventional moral message that we should all be more forgiving and compassionate to each other.

Thus the light attractive superstructure (all those witty paradoxes) was at odds with and undermined by storylines which contained moments of real tragedy and upset, producing a clash of tones.

In ‘The Importance of Being Earnest’ Wilde devised a storyline which is itself as trivial, light and silly as his protagonists claimed to be. Form and content unite. The plot structure is perfectly attuned to the exquisite nonchalance of the characters. The whole thing feels light and charming from start to finish.

One aspect of this is the doubling of the lead characters. Previously there had been a distinct leading man and a distinct woman lead. Here the male leads are paired, and both engage in love affairs and proposals to two women leads who are also neatly paired.

Act 1. Algernon Moncrieff’s flat in Half Moon Street

The play opens to reveal idle young man-about-town Algernon Moncrieff (‘My duty as a gentleman has never interfered with my pleasures in the smallest degree’) playing the piano and then bantering with his superbly poised servant, Lane.

His best friend, Jack Worthing, drops in. In fact Algernon thinks his friend is named Ernest for reasons which become clear. Jack/Ernest has come up from his place in the country to propose to Algernon’s cousin, Gwendolen Fairfax.

Algernon playfully refuses to give his consent to the engagement because he has gotten hold of Ernest’s cigarette case (Jack left is behind by accident after his last visit) and noticed that it contains the inscription, ‘From little Cecily, with her fondest love to her dear uncle Jack.’ Is he having an affair with this Cecily?

Jack/Ernest is forced to admit 1) his true relationship with Cecily and 2) that he lives a double life or has two identities.

JACK: Well, my name is Ernest in town and Jack in the country, and the cigarette case was given to me in the country.

In the country, he assumes a serious attitude for the benefit of his young ward, the heiress Cecily Cardew, and goes by his given name of Jack (itself, of course, a familiar form of John). But he has invented an idle layabout younger brother named ‘Ernest’ in order to justify his regular trips up to London. When he arrives in London, Jack then assumes the identity of this libertine ‘Ernest.’

(Just to be clear, Jack explains that he was adopted as a boy by old Mr Thomas Cardew who, in his will, made Jack guardian to his grand-daughter, Miss Cecily Cardew. Which is why Cecily addresses him as ‘uncle’ although there is no blood relation between them.)

Algernon is surprised to learn that the amiable chap he has been calling Ernest all this time is in fact named Jack, and admits that he has devised a similar deception. He pretends to have an invalid friend named ‘Bunbury’ in the country who he tells everyone he has to visit whenever he wants to avoid an unwelcome social obligation. Also, now that Jack has explained who Cecily is and his avuncular relation to her, Algernon withdraws his objection to Jack proposing to Gwendolen.

Having established the ground rules of their two deceptions, there now arrive at Algernon’s flat his cousin, Gwendolen Fairfax (the one Jack-Ernest wants to marry) and her formidable mother, Algernon’s aunt, Lady Augusta Bracknell. Algernon does the decent thing and distracts Lady Bracknell into another room to discuss the music for her next dinner, thus giving Jack the opportunity to propose to Gwendolen. She accepts but confesses that a big part of the reasons she loves him is because she is enchanted by then name Ernest.

GWENDOLEN: For me you have always had an irresistible fascination. Even before I met you I was far from indifferent to you. [Jack looks at her in amazement.] We live … in an age of ideals … and my ideal has always been to love some one of the name of Ernest. There is something in that name that inspires absolute confidence. The moment Algernon first mentioned to me that he had a friend called Ernest, I knew I was destined to love you.

Disconcerted by this, Jack secretly resolves to find a vicar and get himself rechristened ‘Ernest.’

Lady Bracknell re-enters the room to find Jack on his knees still proposing and, when she understands what is going on, insists on interviewing Jack as a prospective suitor for her daughter in one of the best scenes Wilde wrote. Lady Bracknell is horrified when Jack tells her that he was discovered as a baby, in a handbag at Victoria Station, and adopted by the man who found him, Thomas Cardew, inheriting his land and income when he died. Which explains why Lady Bracknell refuses Jack permission to marry Gwendolen and forbids further contact with her daughter.

Blithely ignoring all this, Gwendolen secretly promises him her undying love and Jack gives her his address in the country so she can pop down to see him. As he gives the address (‘The Manor House, Woolton, Hertfordshire’) Algernon, off to one side, secretly writes it down on the cuff of his sleeve. Jack’s description of his pretty young ward Cecile has motivated Algernon to meet her, despite the former’s protestations:

ALGERNON: I would rather like to see Cecily.
JACK: I will take very good care you never do. She is excessively pretty, and she is only just eighteen.

Act 2. The Garden of the Manor House, Woolton

Cut to the garden of the house Jack inherited from Mr Cardew, in which pretty young Cecily is rebelling against the orders of her governess, Miss Prism.

Out of nowhere Algernon arrives. He has devised the plan of introducing himself as the fictitious ‘Ernest’, Jack’s supposed wastrel brother from London, in order to give himself an entree into Cecil’s affections. She has long been fascinated by this legendary figure and so is delighted to meet him at long last. She takes Algernon back by being astonishingly self-assured. She, too, it seems, is particularly partial to the name ‘Ernest’

CECIL: You must not laugh at me, darling, but it had always been a girlish dream of mine to love some one whose name was Ernest. There is something in that name that seems to inspire absolute confidence. I pity any poor married woman whose husband is not called Ernest.

She secretly dismays Algernon by saying she dislikes all other men’s names, particularly disliking ‘Algernon’. With the result that Algernon, exactly like Jack, now decides to formally change his name to ‘Ernest’ in order to win the lady’s hand, and therefore asks the local rector, Dr Chasuble – who happens to be very conveniently visiting – for an appointment to be christened later that afternoon.

However, these smooth plans are upturned when Jack himself arrives, for Jack has decided to abandon his double life and proclaim the fictional Ernest dead! Thus he arrives in full mourning and announces that his brother has just died in Paris of a severe chill – all of which is comically undermined by the fact that the supposedly ‘dead’ brother has just arrived and introduced himself to everyone, apparently in perfect good health.

When the others go off for a moment, Algernon is alone with Cecil again and he is flabbergasted to learn that she has been fantasising about having a relationship with him so intensely that he has become a kind of fictional character in an imaginary narrative writing: and that in her version of events, they are already engaged. They were engaged three months ago and, to prove it, she shows him her diary where she recorded it. And she bought a ring which she considers the one he proposed to her with. And she has a box in which she’s kept all the letters he’s written her.

ALGERNON: My letters! But, my own sweet Cecily, I have never written you any letters.
CECILY: You need hardly remind me of that, Ernest. I remember only too well that I was forced to write your letters for you. I wrote always three times a week, and sometimes oftener.

This is so inspired it has a tinge of Monty Python lunacy about it. The issue of his name recurs (Cecily affirming she loves the name Ernest and dislikes the name Algernon) that Algernon tells her he’s just got an errand to run to the rector (to see if he, like Jack, can get rechristened) and exists.

At which point, just to complicate things beautifully, Gwendolen arrives having run away from home and bossy Lady Bracknell. With the two men absent, the two young women, Cecily and Gwendolen get to know each other.

First of all they get to know and then love and then cherish each other with comic speed and superficiality. And then, when they discover that they’re both engaged to ‘Ernest’ (Cecily has just accepted the hand of Algernon posing as Ernest, while Gwendolen has only ever known Jack by his London name, Ernest), they just as quickly fall out with each other and become undying enemies. This is all done with the same light and airy comic touch as everything else in the play and rotates around the fact that, at this inopportune moment the servant (Merriman) appears with afternoon tea. With comic brilliance Wilde turns this ritual into a ballet of resentment, as Cecily glacially ignores Gwendolen’s request for no sugar, instead giving her four lumps, and then ignoring her request for bread and butter and instead giving her a big helping of (unwanted) cake, all of which leads up to the brilliant punchline:

GWENDOLEN: You have filled my tea with lumps of sugar, and though I asked most distinctly for bread and butter, you have given me cake. I am known for the gentleness of my disposition, and the extraordinary sweetness of my nature, but I warn you, Miss Cardew, you may go too far.

At this point the two young men reappear. This is good because Gwendolen and Cecily run to ‘their’ Ernest and quickly allay the fear that they are both engaged to the same man. However, in doing, so Cecily reveals that Gwendolen’s ‘Ernest’ is her Uncle Jack Worthing while Gwendolen reveals that Cecily’s ‘Ernest’ is Algernon Moncrieff. In short, both women realise they have been lied to. So when Gwendolen and Cecily both ask Jack where his brother Ernest is, Jack is forced, very reluctantly, to admit the truth that he invented Ernest.

Thus the ladies realise that both men have been lying to them and furiously storm into the house, leaving the two young men to their recriminations. As I mentioned above, this is cast into a very pleasing parallelism, with each echoing the other’s complaints.

JACK: I wanted to be engaged to Gwendolen, that is all. I love her.
ALGERNON: Well, I simply wanted to be engaged to Cecily. I adore her.
JACK: There is certainly no chance of your marrying Miss Cardew.
ALGERNON: I don’t think there is much likelihood, Jack, of you and Miss Fairfax being united.

And so on. It’s elegant and it’s funny. They fall to squabbling about muffins (see ‘Food and triviality’ below) and then squabble about the fact that Jack has booked a slot with Dr Chasuble to be christened at 5.30 while Algernon has booked the same for 5.45, which they both, correctly, find absurd. The mere fact of their mirror image doubling up of so many aspects throughout the play make it comic.

Act 3. Morning-Room at the Manor House, Woolton

The last act cuts to the interior of Jack’s house, with the two young ladies looking out at their young men stuffing their faces with muffins and teacake. The food theme continues:

CECILY: They have been eating muffins. That looks like repentance.

The men go indoors and there is a comic reconciliation, both men announcing they are being christened Ernest which triggers comic overstatement:

CECILY: [To Algernon.] To please me you are ready to face this fearful ordeal?
ALGERNON: I am!
GWENDOLEN: How absurd to talk of the equality of the sexes! Where questions of self-sacrifice are concerned, men are infinitely beyond us.
JACK: We are. [Clasps hands with Algernon.]
CECIL: They have moments of physical courage of which we women know absolutely nothing.

The women have just accepted the men when Lady Bracknell storms in looking for her errant daughter (Gwendolen). At first she is resolutely against the engagement of her nephew (Algernon) to Cecily, until he tells her that she is worth £130,000 at which point her attitude magically changes. She suddenly approves of Cecily and examines her profile with a view to making it acceptable to High Society.

At which point everyone is surprised when Jack steps in and absolutely forbids the marriage, accusing Algernon of fraudulently impersonating his (imaginary) brother. After a moment or two of surprise, it turns out that this is all a ruse: he will consent only if Lady Bracknell agrees to his own marriage to Gwendolen (Lady Bracknell’s daughter), something she declines to do. Impasse!

Enter Dr Chasuble for some comic business as he announces that he is ready to perform the baptisms to which Lady Bracknell gives the comic responses: ‘The christenings, sir! Is not that somewhat premature?’

The impasse is broken by the return of Miss Prism who Lady Bracknell recognises as the person who, 28 years earlier as a family nursemaid, had taken a baby boy out in a perambulator and never returned. When interrogated, Miss Prism explains that she absent-mindedly put the manuscript of the novel she was writing in the perambulator and the baby in a handbag, which she had left at Victoria Station.

Jack goes running upstairs, rummages about (making a loud and theatrical racket) before rushing back downstairs clutching a battered handbag which Miss Prism promptly identifies as the very one. For a moment he thinks Miss Prism is his mother but she refers him to Lady Bracknell who informs him that he is the eldest brother of Lady Bracknell’s ‘poor sister, Mrs. Moncrieff, and consequently Algernon’s elder brother’!

For a start this explains why he’s always had the uncanny sense that he had a brother, hence his invention of a fictional one. But it also humorously fulfils Lady Bracknell’s apparently impossible stipulation from Act 1 that he set about acquiring some respectable relations. At a stroke, he has!

There’s just one last obstacle, his name for Gwendolen is holding out for Ernest. When he asks Lady Bracknell what his name as a baby was she says it was the same as her sister’s husband’s name which has slipped her memory. He was a General in the Army. It will be in the book of Army Lists. So Jack rushes over to his library shelves, finds the book, leafs through it furiously and discovers…that his father’s name was Ernest and so his must be too.

So…when he has spent half his adult life masquerading as a fictional character, Ernest, he was in fact telling the truth, which gives rise to wonderful repartee.

JACK: Gwendolen, it is a terrible thing for a man to find out suddenly that all his life he has been speaking nothing but the truth. Can you forgive me?
GWENDOLEN: I can. For I feel that you are sure to change.

As in all the best comedies the young couples embrace each other and, for good measure, are joined by Miss Prism and Dr Chasuble who have had a suppressed romance. It only remains to have a boom boom punchline which Wilde slickly delivers. Lady Bracknell remarks to her newfound relative: ‘My nephew, you seem to be displaying signs of triviality’ to which he replies:

JACK: On the contrary, Aunt Augusta: I’ve now realised for the first time in my life the vital importance of being Earnest.

Social history

Lady Bracknell submits Jack Worthing to a sustained interrogation and his answers build up an interesting socioeconomic profile of a male Wilde character. Jack is 29, single and smokes. His annual income is between £7,000 and 8,000, in investments rather than land. He owns a country house with about 1,500 acres and a town house in Belgrave Square. He is a Liberal Unionist i.e. a Liberal in all respects except granting home rule to Ireland (as indicated by ‘Unionist’). As Lady Bracknell points out, this more or less counts as a Tory. There is no mention of any interests or activities of any kind except enjoying himself.

Food and triviality

The importance of triviality in the dandy worldview is signalled right from the start, in the play’s title itself, and recurs at numerous moments, for example when fairly serious Jack loses his temper with Algernon’s preposterous and infuriating revelling in his silly ‘hobby’ of ‘Bunburying’, to which Bunbury replies:

ALGERNON: Well, one must be serious about something, if one wants to have any amusement in life. I happen to be serious about Bunburying. What on earth you are serious about I haven’t got the remotest idea. About everything, I should fancy. You have such an absolutely trivial nature.

A notable triumph of the trivial throughout the play is the excessive concern the characters pay to food. It opens with Algernon being concerned about the consumption of champagne at his last party and then making a big fuss about the preparation of sandwiches for the visit of Lady Bracknell.

JACK: Hallo! Why all these cups? Why cucumber sandwiches? Why such reckless extravagance in one so young? Who is coming to tea?

When Algernon presses Jack to dine with him that evening at Willis’s:

ALGERNON: Yes, but you must be serious about it. I hate people who are not serious about meals. It is so shallow of them.

And:

ALGERNON: I am greatly distressed, Aunt Augusta, about there being no cucumbers, not even for ready money.
LADY BRACKNELL: It really makes no matter, Algernon. I had some crumpets with Lady Harbury, who seems to me to be living entirely for pleasure now.
ALGERNON: I hear her hair has turned quite gold from grief.

When Algernon first arrives in the country:

CECILY: How thoughtless of me. I should have remembered that when one is going to lead an entirely new life, one requires regular and wholesome meals. Won’t you come in?
ALGERNON: Thank you. Might I have a buttonhole first? I never have any appetite unless I have a buttonhole first.

It’s characteristic that, at the crisis of Act 2 when the young women realise they’ve been lied to and storm off in a huff, Algernon’s response is…to eat a muffin. More than that, it is to wax eloquent on the art of muffin eating:

JACK: How can you sit there, calmly eating muffins when we are in this horrible trouble, I can’t make out. You seem to me to be perfectly heartless.
ALGERNON: Well, I can’t eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs. One should always eat muffins quite calmly. It is the only way to eat them.
JACK: I say it’s perfectly heartless your eating muffins at all, under the circumstances.
ALGERNON: When I am in trouble, eating is the only thing that consoles me. Indeed, when I am in really great trouble, as anyone who knows me intimately will tell you, I refuse everything except food and drink. At the present moment I am eating muffins because I am unhappy. Besides, I am particularly fond of muffins.
JACK: [Rising.] Well, that is no reason why you should eat them all in that greedy way. [Takes muffins from Algernon.]
ALGERNON: [Offering tea-cake.] I wish you would have tea-cake instead. I don’t like tea-cake.
JACK: Good heavens! I suppose a man may eat his own muffins in his own garden.
ALGERNON: But you have just said it was perfectly heartless to eat muffins.
JACK: I said it was perfectly heartless of you, under the circumstances. That is a very different thing.
ALGERNON: That may be. But the muffins are the same. [He seizes the muffin-dish from Jack.]

Witty one-liners and repartee

ALGERNON: Lane’s views on marriage seem somewhat lax. Really, if the lower orders don’t set us a good example, what on earth is the use of them?

ALGERNON: Oh! it is absurd to have a hard and fast rule about what one should read and what one shouldn’t. More than half of modern culture depends on what one shouldn’t read.

JACK: Some aunts are tall, some aunts are not tall. That is a matter that surely an aunt may be allowed to decide for herself.

AALGERNON: The truth is rarely pure and never simple. Modern life would be very tedious if it were either, and modern literature a complete impossibility!

JACK: I haven’t asked you to dine with me anywhere to-night.
ALGERNON: I know. You are absurdly careless about sending out invitations. It is very foolish of you. Nothing annoys people so much as not receiving invitations.

ALGERNON: If I am occasionally a little over-dressed, I make up for it by being always immensely over-educated.

ALGERNON: My dear boy, I love hearing my relations abused. It is the only thing that makes me put up with them at all. Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven’t got the remotest knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die.

ALGERNON: The only way to behave to a woman is to make love to her, if she is pretty, and to someone else, if she is plain.

MISS PRISM: Do not speak slightingly of the three-volume novel, Cecily. I wrote one myself in earlier days.
CECILY: Did you really, Miss Prism? How wonderfully clever you are! I hope it did not end happily? I don’t like novels that end happily. They depress me so much.
MISS PRISM: The good ended happily, and the bad unhappily. That is what Fiction means.

JACK: [Shaking his head.] Dead!
CHASUBLE: Your brother Ernest dead?
JACK: Quite dead.
MISS PRISM: What a lesson for him! I trust he will profit by it.

GWENDOLEN: I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.

JACK: Gwendolen — Cecily — it is very painful for me to be forced to speak the truth. It is the first time in my life that I have ever been reduced to such a painful position, and I am really quite inexperienced in doing anything of the kind.

Lady Bracknell

Lady B was recognised at the time and ever since as a magnificent comic creation with a steady stream of peerless comic declamations:

LADY BRACKNELL: Pardon me, you are not engaged to any one. When you do become engaged to some one, I, or your father, should his health permit him, will inform you of the fact. An engagement should come on a young girl as a surprise, pleasant or unpleasant, as the case may be. It is hardly a matter that she could be allowed to arrange for herself!

LADY BRACKNELL: Do you smoke?
JACK: Well, yes, I must admit I smoke.
LADY BRACKNELL: I am glad to hear it. A man should always have an occupation of some kind. There are far too many idle men in London as it is.

LADY BRACKNELL: I do not approve of anything that tampers with natural ignorance. Ignorance is like a delicate exotic fruit; touch it and the bloom is gone. The whole theory of modern education is radically unsound. Fortunately in England, at any rate, education produces no effect whatsoever.

LADY BRACKNELL: To lose one parent, Mr. Worthing, may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.

LADY BRACKNELL: Mr. Worthing, I confess I feel somewhat bewildered by what you have just told me. To be born, or at any rate bred, in a handbag, whether it had handles or not, seems to me to display a contempt for the ordinary decencies of family life that reminds one of the worst excesses of the French Revolution

LADY BRACKNELL: I would strongly advise you, Mr. Worthing, to try and acquire some relations as soon as possible, and to make a definite effort to produce at any rate one parent, of either sex, before the season is quite over.

LADY BRACKNELL: The two weak points in our age are its want of principle and its want of profile. The chin a little higher, dear. Style largely depends on the way the chin is worn. They are worn very high, just at present.

LADY BRACKNELL: That does not seem to me to be a grave objection. Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years. Lady Dumbleton is an instance in point. To my own knowledge she has been thirty-five ever since she arrived at the age of forty, which was many years ago now.


Related link

Related reviews

A Woman of No Importance by Oscar Wilde (1893)

LORD ILLINGWORTH: [Sees Mrs. Arbuthnot’s letter on table, and takes it up and looks at envelope.] What a curious handwriting! It reminds me of the handwriting of a woman I used to know years ago.
MRS ALLONBY: Who?
LORD ILLINGWORTH: Oh! no one. No one in particular. A woman of no importance.

(The exchange at the end of Act 1, when Lord Illingworth recognises the handwriting of the woman he separated from 20 years earlier, and which gives the play its title)

‘A Woman of No Importance’ is commonly thought the least successful of Oscar Wilde’s four social comedies, certainly the least performed or revived. This is probably because it combines the worst of both worlds: there are long passages of non-stop, clever one-liners which after a while glut the imagination; and then, in the last act, the already earnest and melodramatic situation topples over into  a world of Victorian pieties and platitudes. So at the same time it contains the most Wilde quotes and is the least performed of his plays. It turns out that ‘Nothing succeeds like excess’ is the opposite of the truth.

‘Lady Windermere’s Fan’, the first of Oscar Wilde’s four great social comedies is set firmly in the upper-class London of Mayfair. Maybe as a deliberate contrast, Wilde set this, the second one, in the country – obviously not the country of Thomas Hardy and rural yeoman, but at Hunstanton Chase, the grand country house of an aristocrat, Lady (Jane) Hunstanton, who has invited a number of similarly aristocratic friends and acquaintances (an MP, a friend’s young son who works in a bank) for a country house party.

Thus the first act opens with characters sitting under a large yew tree on the lawn in front of the terrace at Hunstanton, her stately home, a scene which could come from an Ivory-Merchant movie depicting the aristocracy in stately rural relaxation. Wilde’s milieu is the upperest of the upper classes.

Once again the play rotates around a woman ‘with a past’, as ‘Lady Windermere’s Fan’ did. In this case one of the late-arriving guests, Mrs Arbuthnot, who only appears in Act 2, turns out to be the estranged wife of another guest, Lord Illingworth, the typical Wilde lead with, as the more conventional characters out it, such a wicked reputation.

Her appearance is all the more piquant because in Act 1 Lord Illingworth has just appointed young Gerald Arbuthnot, currently working in a bank, to be his private secretary. It is only with the arrival of Mrs Arbuthnot in Act 2, that Lord Illingworth realises that young Gerald Arbuthnot is his own son for they separated soon after he got her pregnant.

This central revelation plays out amid several other storylines. The main one is Lord Illingworth’s bantering flirtations with another guest, Mrs Allonby, his equivalent and equal in making witty paradoxical remarks (‘She lets her clever tongue run away with her sometimes.’). Their exchanges include loads of set pieces designed to display Wilde’s ironic and paradoxical wit at its shiniest. As Lord Illingworth remarks at the end of their sustained repartee which closes Act 1, ‘You fence divinely.’

Another plotline is the presence of a young, 18-year-old visitor from America, Miss Hester Worsley, the orphan daughter of an American millionaire. Her presence allows countless jokes at America’s expense but also some sharp comments from her about British society.

Lord Illingworth and his witty sparring partner have a cynical bet that he will be able to seduce this stern young American within the week, and this turns out to play a pivotal role in the plot.

Brits satirising Americans

LADY HUNSTANTON: He [Gerald] has just gone for a walk with our pretty American. She is very pretty, is she not?
LADY CAROLINE: Far too pretty. These American girls carry off all the good matches. Why can’t they stay in their own country? They are always telling us it is the Paradise of women.
LORD ILLINGWORTH: It is, Lady Caroline. That is why, like Eve, they are so extremely anxious to get out of it.

LADY CAROLINE: Who are Miss Worsley’s parents?
LORD ILLINGWORTH: American women are wonderfully clever in concealing their parents.

LADY UNSTANTON: She dresses exceedingly well. All Americans do dress well. They get their clothes in Paris.
MRS ALLONBY: They say, Lady Hunstanton, that when good Americans die they go to Paris.
LADY HUNSTANTON: Indeed? And when bad Americans die, where do they go to?
LORD ILLINGWORTH: Oh, they go to America.

Note how all the jokes are set up by the other characters for Lord Illingworth to deliver the witty punchlines.

Hester Worsley’s big anti-British speech

HESTER: We [Americans] are trying to build up life, Lady Hunstanton, on a better, truer, purer basis than life rests on here. This sounds strange to you all, no doubt. How could it sound other than strange? You rich people in England, you don’t know how you are living. How could you know? You shut out from your society the gentle and the good. You laugh at the simple and the pure. Living, as you all do, on others and by them, you sneer at self-sacrifice, and if you throw bread to the poor, it is merely to keep them quiet for a season. With all your pomp and wealth and art you don’t know how to live – you don’t even know that. You love the beauty that you can see and touch and handle, the beauty that you can destroy, and do destroy, but of the unseen beauty of life, of the unseen beauty of a higher life, you know nothing. You have lost life’s secret. Oh, your English society seems to me shallow, selfish, foolish. It has blinded its eyes, and stopped its ears. It lies like a leper in purple. It sits like a dead thing smeared with gold. It is all wrong, all wrong.

She is similar to Lady Windermere in that she starts the play young and pitiless in her Puritan moralising. Later this is made unambiguously clear:

HESTER: A woman who has sinned should be punished, shouldn’t she?… She shouldn’t be allowed to come into the society of good men and women… And the man should be punished in the same way… It is right that the sins of the parents should be visited on the children. It is a just law. It is God’s law.

Old Testament fundamentalism.

The tragic woman

As in ‘Lady Windermere’s Fan’, at the centre of the play is an ‘anomalous woman’, a woman standing outside society’s values, and also unexpected scenes of real emotional anguish.

In the earlier play it was Mrs Erlynne, who had broken convention by running off and abandoning her husband and child. The genuine anguish was experienced by Lady Windermere who experiences the anguish of believing her husband is unfaithful to her, compounded by the agonising decision she makes to run away with the man who would be her lover, the charismatic Lord Darlington.

In this play it is Mrs Arbuthnot. In the recognition scene between her and Lord Illingworth we learn they have both changed their identities. When they first met they were both 21 and he was the brilliant young man about town George Harford with not a penny to his name and she was named Rachel (I don’t think we learn her surname). As the last pages of Act 2 reveal, the pair had an affair and she got pregnant. She accuses him of rejecting her and her baby but he argues that he was penniless and could have done nothing for them. He reminds her that his mother offered to settle £600 a year on her, which she scornfully refused. She reminds him that his father insist that he do the decent thing and marry the woman, which Lord Illingworth rejects with a joke but which was, as far as I can see, the decent thing to do.

The crux of the thing now, in this play, is that Illingworth has offered her/their son, Gerald, an offer of a leg up in the world, and now he knows he is his son is all the keener to do it, while she fiercely refuses the offer, at first on principle (she wants nothing to do with the man who abandoned her) but then, more pitifully, because Gerald is all she has. When they put the choice to Gerald (completely innocent of the real situation) he of course chooses the job offer and he and Lord Illingworth exit, leaving Mrs Arbuthnot a solitary figure on the stage, ‘immobile with a look of unutterable sorrow on her face.’

These plays have moments of surprisingly piercing emotional anguish.

Act 3

Act 3 is set the same evening after dinner and opens with a barrage of witticisms and paradoxes from Lord Illingworth, delivered to the adoring audience of dowdy old ladies who barely understand what he’s on about (Lady Hunstanton, Lady Caroline, Lady Stutfield) and so are very passive comic foils.

LADY HUNSTANTON: I am so glad I don’t know what you mean, dear. I am afraid you mean something wrong.

After all this fol-de-rol is the central event of the act which is that Mrs Arbuthnot tells her son why Lord Illingworth is so wicked, giving a lot more detail about how he seduced a poor, naive 18-year-old (herself), got her pregnant, promised to marry her, then abandoned her.

MRS ARBUTHNOT: She suffered terribly — she suffers now. She will always suffer. For her there is no joy, no peace, no atonement. She is a woman who drags a chain like a guilty thing. She is a woman who wears a mask, like a thing that is a leper.

But Gerald horrifies her by saying (in his innocence) that he can’t feel sorry for the woman in the story because obviously no nice girl would leave her family, abandon herself to such a waster, and live with him out of wedlock. Crushed by the realisation of how he would think of her, Mrs Arbuthnot withdraws her objections to her son going abroad with Lord Illingworth, and Gerald gushes that he is so happy, Lord Illingworth is such a model, he can do no wrong.

Which makes it all the more melodramatic and comic when the fierce young American lady comes running in from the terrace where she claims Lord Illingworth has just ‘insulted’ her by trying to kiss her. Young Gerald leaps to his feet because, I haven’t had time to explain that in the middle of his interview with his mother, he mentioned that he is deeply in love with Miss Worsley.

Now Miss Worsley runs to the protection of his arms as Gerald leaps to his feet and threatens to kill Lord Illingworth, really meaning it, ready to rush across the stage and strike him. At which crucial moment Mrs Arbuthnot tells him that…Lord Illingworth is his father and falls to the floor. Staggered, Gerald loses all his anger, helps his mother to her feet and then offstage. Curtain down on this melodramatic moment!

Act 4

Act 4 switches location and scene altogether, switching from the grand house at Hunstanton Chase to the much more modest sitting-room of Mrs Arbuthnot’s house in the nondescript Midlands town of Wrockley.

Gerald is writing a letter asking his father to marry Mrs Arbuthnot. Lady Hunstanton and Mrs Allonby arrive on a visit to Mrs Arbuthnot, commenting on the good taste of her drawing room but leaving when the maid tells them that Mrs Arbuthnot has a headache and won’t be able to see anyone.

When Mrs Arbuthnot enters the drawing room, Gerald tells her that he intends to give up being Lord Illingworth’s secretary and has asked him (Illingworth) to come to their house and ask for her hand in marriage.

As you might expect, the pair then argue about this, Gerald claiming that the marriage is her duty while Mrs Arbuthnot insists that she won’t make a mockery of the marriage vows by marrying a man she despises. She describes how she devoted her life to being a single mum and raising Gerald and is too proud to accept Illingworth.

Now, as in the way of stage comedies (or farces) Hester had arrived outside the door and heard this entire exchange. She now runs over to Mrs Arbuthnot, says how moved she was by her story, and offers to use the wealth she’s about to inherit to take care of 1) the man she loves (Gerald) and 2) the mother she never had. After this flurry of excitement, Gerald and Hester go out into the garden, conveniently leaving Mrs A alone.

At which point the maid announces the arrival of Lord Illingworth who, despite Mrs A’s forbidding, forces his way into the drawing room. Here he tells Mrs Arbuthnot that he has decided he ought to provide financial security for Gerald and has decided to assign him some of his (Illingworth’s) several properties.

Mrs Arbuthnot shows him Gerald and Hester in the garden and tells Lord Illingworth that she no longer needs help from anyone but her son and his fiancée.

But…Illingworth then sees the letter Gerald was drafting at the start of the act and reads it, the one in which Gerald insisted Lord I marry his mother. Lord Illingworth tells Mrs Arbuthnot he is prepared to marry her in order to be with his son.

But Mrs Arbuthnot not only refuses to marry him and but tells him that she outright hates him, throwing in for good measure the idea that her hate for Illingworth and her love for Gerald sharpen each other. And that it was Hester, in the exchange we’ve just witnessed, that decisively turned Gerald against his father.

Defeated on every front and nettled by Mrs A’s unremitting hostility, Lord Illingworth lets his mask slip. He states that Mrs Arbuthnot was only ever a plaything in their affair and calls her his ‘mistress’. He is going on to call Gerald his ‘bastard’ but Mrs Arbuthnot slaps him with his own glove before he can get the word out.

Dazed, insulted, realising all is up, Lord Illingworth takes a final look at his son through the window, then stalks out. As women do in such melodramas, Mrs Arbuthnot then falls onto the sofa sobbing. Prompt as clockwork Gerald and Hester re-enter from the garden. Gerald runs over to comfort his crying mother who asks Hester if she really would be prepared to have this weeping failure of a woman as a mother. When Hester assures her that she would the circle of forgiveness and new life is complete.

And then the punchline. Gerald notices his father’s glove on the floor and, when he asks his mother who’s been visiting, Mrs Arbuthnot delivers the play’s withering final line, a clever inversion of Lord Illingworth’s dismissal at its start – she says, ‘A man of no importance.’

Thus is the biter bit. Thus are the roles reversed. Thus the central female figure goes from powerless victim to empowered victor.

Themes

Critics always have to be po-faced about any work of literature, obliterating the light and entertaining with commentaries which pull out dire and earnest ‘themes’. And it’s true that words have meanings and if you’re setting out to create three hours of people talking you have to give them something to talk about. But it’s obvious that many of these ‘themes’ only really exist to provide talking points between the characters (to fill the time) which, in Wilde’s hands, mainly exist as scaffolding for his brilliant jokes and one-liners.

Thus the plays is packed with characters delivering jokes and witticisms and one-liners and clever paradoxes about: America; the current state of politics, the Houses of Commons and Lords; the condition of England; middle class concern for the poor and many more, but their primary purpose to provide the butt of gags is plain to see:

KELVIL: May I ask, Lord Illingworth, if you regard the House of Lords as a better institution than the House of Commons?
LORD ILLINGWORTH: A much better institution, of course. We in the House of Lords are never in touch with public opinion. That makes us a civilised body.

Men and women

GERALD: Well, men are different from women, mother. It is natural that they should have different views.

LORD ILLINGWORTH: I was very young at the time. We men know life too early.
MRS ARBUTHNOT: And we women know life too late. That is the difference between men and women.

I would say there is a central theme which is so large it is more like a premise of the play, which is the enormous chasm between men and women, in particular husbands and wives, which the characters bring out at almost every turn. In mixed company the characters make sweeping generalisations about each other’s gender and the whole opening scene of Act 2 is devoted to the women guests sitting by themselves making numerous generalisations about their menfolk and men in general.

MRS ALLONBY: The Ideal Man! Oh, the Ideal Man should talk to us as if we were goddesses, and treat us as if we were children. He should refuse all our serious requests, and gratify every one of our whims. He should encourage us to have caprices, and forbid us to have missions. He should always say much more than he means, and always mean much more than he says.

As I remarked of ‘Lady Windermere’s Fan’, this doesn’t necessarily reflect any ‘reality’. These plays were designed to be entertainments, to be theatrical successes, to make money for Wilde who had, up till this point, not been particularly successful in financial terms. And what comic topic is more guaranteed to raise a laugh in all times and places than women characters moaning about men and male characters moaning about women, husbands complaining about wives and wives complaining about husbands?

GERALD: But women are awfully clever, aren’t they?
LORD ILLINGWORTH: One should always tell them so. But, to the philosopher, my dear Gerald, women represent the triumph of matter over mind — just as men represent the triumph of mind over morals.

LORD ILLINGWORTH: The history of women is the history of the worst form of tyranny the world has ever known. The tyranny of the weak over the strong. It is the only tyranny that lasts.

LORD ILLINGWORTH: Men marry because they are tired; women because they are curious. Both are disappointed.

Or, on the more serious note struck by Mrs Arbuthnot:

You talk of atonement for a wrong done. What atonement can be made to me? There is no atonement possible. I am disgraced: he is not. That is all. It is the usual history of a man and a woman as it usually happens, as it always happens. And the ending is the ordinary ending. The woman suffers. The man goes free.

In this respect Wilde’s comedies are not very different from the fundamental premise of thousands of sitcoms and stand-up routines. ‘Men this…women that…my husband this…my wife that…’ – rock solid crowd-pleasers which never go out of fashion, as guaranteed to raise a laugh in 2024 as in 1894, as central to the banter in the Restoration comedies of 1694 as it is to the gender comedy in the comic Roman playwrights Plautus and Terence in 194 or 94 BC.

GERALD: It is very difficult to understand women, is it not?
LORD ILLINGWORTH: You should never try to understand them. Women are pictures. Men are problems. If you want to know what a woman really means – which, by the way, is always a dangerous thing to do – look at her, don’t listen to her.

Which doesn’t mean that any of it is true, should be taken at face value or used as historical or sociological evidence for anything. All it’s proof of is the kind of tropes and jokes which made for success in the theatre, in front of an audience who want easily understood, easily recognisable, easily entertaining clichés and platitudes. Rather as attacks on the death star make for exciting climaxes to Star Wars movies. The appearance of a death star in several movies, or aliens in half a dozen Aliens movies, doesn’t mean there is a death star or aliens. These are the just tropes and conventions appropriate to their genres, space opera and sci fi horror, respectively. In the same way the endless generalisations about men and women and husbands and wives spouted in these social comedies represent no truth about society or people, but are the witty variations on the conventional tropes appropriate to this genre.

In this respect, individual lines of Wilde may play with convention – by describing the leading man as frightfully wicked or having him banter about how hard he’s worked to acquire a bad reputation – but everyone knows this is just banter.

LORD ILLINGWORTH: To win back my youth, Gerald, there is nothing I wouldn’t do – except take exercise, get up early, or be a useful member of the community.

Or when he says things like:

A man who can dominate a London dinner-table can dominate the world. The future belongs to the dandy. It is the exquisites who are going to rule.

The audience enjoys being scandalised but nobody believes this, mainly because it’s so obviously twaddle. Wilde leaves the fundamental tropes of this kind of comedy (the men/women, husbands/wives binaries) untouched.

And, despite the bombardment of superficial cynicism in the form of Lord Illingworth’s endless apothegms, in his structural use of the ideas of marital fidelity, social disgrace and ostracism, and even deeper, the notion of redemption, Wilde wholeheartedly complies with the social values of his time.

MRS ALLONBY: Then you should certainly know Ernest, Lady Stutfield. It is only fair to tell you beforehand he has got no conversation at all.
LADY STUTFIELD: I adore silent men.
MRS ALLONBY: Oh, Ernest isn’t silent. He talks the whole time. But he has got no conversation. What he talks about I don’t know. I haven’t listened to him for years.

Boom boom! Change the social stratum and the accent and it could be Les Dawson.

It is a paradox that Wilde, because he happened to be gay or bisexual, has been held up as an icon by LGBTQ+ activists and yet, when you actually read his actual works, he is intensely, intensely heteronormative: his plays depend entirely for their effects on the most conventional possible gender stereotypes:

LORD ILLINGWORTH: You women live by your emotions and for them. You have no philosophy of life.
MRS ARBUTHNOT: You are right. We women live by our emotions and for them. By our passions, and for them, if you will.

Similarly in his social satire. The entire setting of the plays among the idle English aristocracy, and the characterisation of pretty much all the characters, amounts to fairly harsh satire of an entire class. Critics at the time and literary critics since, tend to pick up on the cynicism and paradoxical remarks of the Wilde figures (Lord Illingworth in this play) who are given line after line designed to invert conventional ‘values’, make light of conventional morality and so on.

But to anyone outside the charmed circle of theatre goers, many of whom presumably included the kind of idle aristocrats he mocks, surely they all look the same. Surely the Lord Illinghams and Lord Darlingtons are the logical evolution if an aristocratic class which justified its immense privilege and amazing lifestyles by claiming they provided some kind of service to the nation and empire.

But from the perspective of real social critics like William Morris or Keir Hardie, the Fabians, the Socialists, the communists, the entire class was damned and the kind of ‘critique’ which critics like to find all through Wilde’s writings, are just the bickerings of a condemned family.

I would argue that not very far beneath the shiny veneer and the oh-so-risque attitudinising of his plays (and novel and stories) Wilde was, in fact, a deeply conservative writer. This explains why, when truly radical art came along in decade after his death, Wilde was dropped and forgotten as irrelevant and out of date, a man more associated with the aestheticism of the 1880s which went completely out of fashion in the decade of the Fauves and German Expressionists and the first stirrings of literary Modernism.

Comic dialogue

LADY CAROLINE: Have you any country? What we should call country?
HESTER: [Smiling.] We have the largest country in the world, Lady Caroline. They used to tell us at school that some of our states are as big as France and England put together.
LADY CAROLINE: Ah! you must find it very draughty,

LADY CAROLINE: He must be quite respectable. One has never heard his name before in the whole course of one’s life, which speaks volumes for a man, nowadays.

LADY HUNSTANTON: Lord Illingworth may marry any day. I was in hopes he would have married lady Kelso. But I believe he said her family was too large. Or was it her feet? I forget which.

LORD ILLINGWORTH: It is perfectly monstrous the way people go about, nowadays, saying things against one behind one’s back that are absolutely and entirely true.

LADY HUNSTANTON: I am sure, Lord Illingworth, you don’t think that uneducated people should be allowed to have votes?
LORD ILLINGWORTH: I think they are the only people who should.

LORD ILLINGWORTH: Silliest word in our language, and one knows so well the popular idea of health. The English country gentleman galloping after a fox—the unspeakable in full pursuit of the uneatable.

LORD ILLINGWORTH: Vulgar habit that is people have nowadays of asking one, after one has given them an idea, whether one is serious or not. Nothing is serious except passion. The intellect is not a serious thing, and never has been. It is an instrument on which one plays, that is all.

KELVIL: Do you take no side then in modern politics, Lord Illingworth?
LORD ILLINGWORTH: One should never take sides in anything, Mr. Kelvil. Taking sides is the beginning of sincerity, and earnestness follows shortly afterwards, and the human being becomes a bore.

LADY STUTFIELD: It must be terribly, terribly distressing to be in debt.
LORD ALFRED: One must have some occupation nowadays. If I hadn’t my debts I shouldn’t have anything to think about.

LORD ILLINGWORTH: One should never trust a woman who tells one her real age. A woman who would tell one that, would tell one anything.

MRS ALLONBY: Lord Illingworth, there is one thing I shall always like you for.
LORD ILLINGWORTH: Only one thing? And I have so many bad qualities.
MRS ALLONBY: Ah, don’t be too conceited about them. You may lose them as you grow old.

MRS ALLONBY: Do you like such simple pleasures?
LORD ILLINGWORTH: I adore simple pleasures. They are the last refuge of the complex.

LORD ILLINGWORTH: The Book of Life begins with a man and a woman in a garden.
MRS ALLONBY: It ends with Revelations.

LORD ILLINGWORTH: When one is in love one begins by deceiving oneself. And one ends by deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance.

LORD ILLINGWORTH: The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future.

LORD ILLINGWORTH: Yes; I am always astonishing myself. It is the only thing that makes life worth living.
LADY STUTFIELD: And what have you been doing lately that astonishes you?
LORD ILLINGWORTH: I have been discovering all kinds of beautiful qualities in my own nature.
MRS ALLONBY: Ah! don’t become quite perfect all at once. Do it gradually!
LORD ILLINGWORTH: I don’t intend to grow perfect at all. At least, I hope I shan’t. It would be most inconvenient. Women love us for our defects. If we have enough of them, they will forgive us everything, even our gigantic intellects.

LORD ILLINGWORTH: There is no secret of life. Life’s aim, if it has one, is simply to be always looking for temptations. There are not nearly enough. I sometimes pass a whole day without coming across a single one. It is quite dreadful.

LADY HUNSTANTON: I don’t believe in women thinking too much. Women should think in moderation, as they should do all things in moderation.
LORD ILLINGWORTH: Moderation is a fatal thing, Lady Hunstanton. Nothing succeeds like excess.

MRS ALLONBY: I delight in men over seventy. They always offer one the devotion of a lifetime. I think seventy an ideal age for a man.

A woman’s lot

HESTER: [Waving him back.] Don’t, don’t! You cannot love me at all, unless you love her also. You cannot honour me, unless she’s holier to you. In her all womanhood is martyred. Not she alone, but all of us are stricken in her house.
MRS ARBUTHNOT: But we are disgraced. We rank among the outcasts. Gerald is nameless. The sins of the parents should be visited on the children. It is God’s law.
Hester. I was wrong. God’s law is only Love.

This, the ‘moral’ message of the play, could come from a sermon by the Archbishop of Canterbury.


Related link

Related reviews

Dangerous Davies: The Last Detective by Leslie Thomas (1976)

Thomas shot to fame with his debut novel ‘The Virgin Soldiers‘ (1966). I liked this not only because of the interesting historical setting (1940s Malaya during the Emergency), the social history about National Service, the rough working class male subject matter (unusual in the oppressively middle-class world of literature) but also because Thomas’s prose style was wildly inventive, with lots of florid phrasing and unexpected metaphors.

Ten years later it feels like he and his style had settled down into a routine. ‘Dangerous Davies’ was his eleventh novel in 10 years, plus a couple of screenplays, and it shows. Page for page, his style is a lot less interesting; the central character (a shambling police detective, ridiculed by all his colleagues) and the plot (by chance he stumbles over, and solves, a real murder mystery) both feel over-familiar and tired.

Indeed, its familiarity is indicated by the fact that the Dangerous Davies novels (Thomas eventually wrote 4 of them) were made into ‘a major new ITV drama’ – always a bad sign – in fact into 4 separate series consisting of 17 episodes in all, starring Peter Davidson (‘Dr Who’, ‘It Shouldn’t Happen To A Vet’) as Dangerous, and stand-up comedian Sean Hughes as his sidekick, Mod Lewis. Neither bit of casting seems appropriate as those are both attractive actors while neither Dangerous nor Mod are particularly attractive characters.

And although it features a fairly large cast of about 20 named characters, and although he tries to give them quirks and foibles, none of them and none of the text has the energy or interest of a novel from even five years earlier, like ‘Tropic of Ruislip’. It’s a sad book which left me thoroughly depressed.

Introducing Dangerous Davies

The novel establishes Davies’s shambling character by opening with him on a stakeout at a cemetery which some lunatic has threatened to blow up. To be precise he wakes up on the tomb where he, characteristically, fell asleep on the job. Nobody blew up anything and the tip-off letter later is revealed to have been talking about tombs not ‘bombs’ as the coppers originally thought. I enjoyed his bad-tempered dialogue with the grumpy cemetery keeper, although this turns out to be possibly the funniest scene in the book.

Davies is a tall, shambling middle-aged police detective constable. He’s 33 (p.17). His first name is Peregrine although nobody ever uses it (p.238). He’s gotten the nickname ‘Dangerous’ for two reasons: 1) he is so innocent and trusting that he’s completely harmless but this means that 2) quite regularly he’s sent on genuinely dangerous assignments such as breaking down the door of a West Indian bloke who’s gone mental and is threatening to kill everyone. In the event, Dangerous does bravely break the door in but then pauses to say something just long enough for the black guy to swing a full length mirror at his head, thus sending Davies to Accident and Emergency Department (yet again).

Dangerous doesn’t own a home. He has a room at a shabby boarding house called the ‘Bali Hi’ in Furtman Gardens, run by the bad-tempered Mrs Fulljames. He lives there with his lawful wedded wife, Doris but I think they rent separate rooms, only meeting at dinner time when Mrs Fulljames serves up inedibly disgusting grub to a table full of disgruntled boarders.

These are: Mr Smeeton the Complete Home Entertainer who’s often showing up in fancy dress costume for his work; Miss Minnie Banks, an outstandingly thin infants’ school teacher; and Mr Patel.

But the main one is Mod Lewis, short for Modest, the Russian name of Tchaikovsky’s brother (p.18). In fact Mod is Welsh and fancies himself as a bit of a philosopher not to mention a source of reams of useless information. This he picks up as a result of spending most of every day in the local library, apart from his occasional visits to the job centre where he’s managed to evade getting job for over a decade.

After dinner, Dangerous and Mod usually go off to The Babe in Arms pub to get hammered. One of the pub’s features is a blowsy middle-aged woman who comes in every evening, gets plastered and insists on putting the single ‘Eviva Espana’ on the jukebox and singing, and then dancing, along with it.

Dangerous owns a 1937 Lagonda Tourer (p.17). A long time ago this was a stylish motor but the retractable roof is stuck in the down position so whenever it rains he gets soaked. In the same spirit he owns a big shambling dog, Kitty, which is more likely to attack him (Dangerous) than help him and which lives in the car.

Plot summary

Inspector Yardbird tells Dangerous that a notorious villain responsible for umpteen crimes in the area, one Cecil Ramscar, who had decamped to the States years ago, is rumoured to be back in the neighbourhood and involved in some gang which might be preparing to pull a big job. So Yardbird tasks Dangerous with tracking Ramscar down.

The case of Celia Norris

However, when Dangerous goes through Ramscar’s old files he is sidetracked by the case of a young girl, Celia Norris, who went missing one night (June) in 1951 and whose body was never found. With typical aberrance, Dangerous is hooked by this old, unsolved mystery and decides to solve it. He misleads his boss and other police at the station, neglects his assignment of tracking down Ramscar and instead becomes obsessed with old photos of the missing girl and her sad story.

Almost all the text consists of Dangerous setting out to visit everyone who had any connection with the missing girl, and a sad and sorry bunch they turn out to be, namely:

  • Celia’s mother, Elizabeth Norris
  • father Albert Norris
  • other daughter Josie Norris
  • boyfriend William ‘Bill’ Lind
  • schoolfriend Ena Brown, who married Bill, thus becoming Ena Lind
  • leader of the youth club they belonged to, David Boot
  • pervert Andrew Parsons who was found in possession of the missing girl’s clothes

David Boot

Boot is now the owner of a sex emporium named The Garden of Ooo-la-la (p.64). Dangerous has several meetings with him. At the first one he’s told by the gangly youth who minds the store to wait out back where he finds a half-inflated sex doll and can’t resist the temptation to use the attached footpump to blow it up to life-size and then far beyond, till Boot arrives in the storeroom and yells at him to stop before it explodes. Eerie echo of Tom Sharpe’s novel Wilt, in which the hapless anti-hero also has extended adventures with a blow-up sex doll.

Josie Norris

Josie Norris with her pinched little face works at Antoinette’s Ladies Hairdressers (p.72). She and Dangerous take sandwiches and walk to the Welsh Harp, the reservoir in Brent, to chat, watching the dinghy sailors. She was born after Celia was killed and is quite clear that her parents regard her as a poor substitute, which explains why she feels sad about her missing sister, but also about herself, and has a tendency just to start crying with the sheer misery of it all.

Albert Norris

He goes to find the dad, Albert Norris, who runs a seedy stripclub (p.83). Norris does a runner and nips into a cinema but Dangerous follows him in and confronts him in his seat. The other patrons, understandably, kick them out. they walk down to the crappy canal. When Dangerous directly asks him whether Ramscar murdered his daughter, Norris says no, that wasn’t his style. It’s on the record that Ramscar sent a wreath to the family. Funny thing to do, why? Norris thinks Ramscar ordered one of his underlings to send flowers as a sign of sympathy and this goon, Ricketts, got drunk and sent a wreath by mistake.

Ena Lind

Dangerous goes to the council flats on Gladstone Heights where Ena Lind, Celia’s teenage friend, lives with husband Bill. In her flat where everything is coloured green, including the cat, and she serves crème de menthe liqueur. He goes over the events leading up to the night of the disappearance, discovering along the way how very unhappy Ena is, how she despises her husband who (improbably) she claims is so fussy that he takes a bath in his swimming trunks. They’re interrupted by the return of her daughter Clare to the flat.

That evening Ena phones Dangerous from a payphone and suggests they meet at the pub. Here they both get really drunk as Ena slips into describing the first time she and her schoolfriend Celia were first seduced by their youth club leader, David Boot. She describes this in great detail, including how both 15 year-old girls strip for him, how he pulls his tracksuit down, how he takes turns with each of them on the club trampoline. Maybe this is meant to be funny but it’s clearly also intended to be titillating and so felt queasy.

In fact it makes you question the entire plot which focuses on a teenage girl and seems to rope in a number of sexual escapades and details…

Anyway, when Dangerous drives (completely drunk?) Ena back to her shabby block of council flats in this drunken miasma of heightened sex talk, it comes as no big surprise when she stops the lift, pens her coat, blouse, unclips her bra, grabs Dangerous’s head and rubs it up and down her enormous cleavage. He fights his way free and they both fall backwards onto the floor where, just as inevitably, she is furious and comes at him with hands and nails. Dangerous finds the Open Door button and stumbles out of the lift but his big dim dog has heard the kerfuffle and now jumps on him, biting him in the arm, till he shakes it off, escapes to his car and roars off down the hill with Ena shouting abuse from her apartment window.

I suppose this is intended as a farcically comic scene.

Getting beaten up

He arrives back at Mrs Fulljames’s dazed and drunk to find a note on the mat. Addressed to him it tells him to be at the canal at 23.45. Now the thing about having an idiot as a hero is he does whatever you want. So Dangerous goes along to the canal without telling anyone and is promptly beaten up. To be precise two unknown assailants throw a dustbin over his head and torso, then smash it with pickaxe hands, hitting his hands and hips too, before pushing him into the canal where the dustbin slowly sinks head first taking unconscious Dangerous with him.

Father Harvey

We met (Catholic) Father Harvey earlier when he’d been down the pub with Dangerous and Mod on one of their drinking sessions when he told them that the confession box in his church had been burned down. Fits with the general air of vandalism, waste and grimness.

Now he hears the racket of the bin being smashed and runs to the rescue, jumping into the filthy canal. But it takes a bloke who’s working late at the nearby allotments to come to the rescue of both of them, pulling first the Father out, then the big body in the dustbin.

Dangerous is taken to Royal Park Hospital where he is laid up for days, with stitches in his face and bruises all over from the severe beating. At one point he is visited by his detached wife, Doris, and Mrs Fulljames who are both distracted by the fact that their popular milkman is in a bed a bit further along the ward and spend more time with him than they do with Dangerous. The milkman ends up eating all the Smarties Doris had brought for him. I suppose this is meant to be funny.

A similar attempt at humour is that he is visited by one of his fellow lodgers, Mr Smeeton the Complete Home Entertainer wearing the front end of a horse’s costume.

Andrew Parsons

Parsons was the only person arrested during the initial investigation. He was caught by the attendant in a public lavatory with his hands full of the missing girl’s clothes. His story was that he discovered them stuffed behind the cistern at the toilets and took them home because, well, he liked girls’ clothes. When the disappearance was reported in the papers he realised it was a serious business and took the clothes back to the toilets with a view to stuffing them back where he found them and that’s when he was collared. the incident was reported in the local papers and it ruined his life although, in the end, the cops never pinned anything on him and he insisted on his life he had nothing to do with the girl’s disappearance.

So Dangerous tracks Parsons down for a chat, discovering that he is now the leader of the pitiful local branch of the Salvation Army. Dangerous watches as half a dozen of them sing sad hymns in the pouring rain before passing round a tattered hat for the collection. This is really, really downbeat and depressing.

What follows is worse. Dangerous bullies Parsons into letting him into his shabby flat where, in line with the universal sense of decay, only one bar of the electric fire works, and they both drip with rainwater, while Parsons repeats the same story he told the cops 25 years ago. Above all he insists that he was a lonely frustrated youth back then and now he is a changed man. Only when Dangerous finally leaves does Parsons take off his dripping clothes and Thomas reveals that underneath his Salvation Army uniform he was wearing…a woman’s bra and panties (p.132).

This, to the modern reader, well to me, has little or no impact – people can wear what they want and modern society is overflowing with gender-bending rhetoric. But I imagine that 50 years ago in 1976 it would have had a dramatic impact. But how, exactly? To me it just feels sad that Parsons has to so pitifully deny who he is to everyone in his culture including himself. But did Thomas put it there as an indication that Parsons is the murderer? It’s so long ago and the semiology of sexuality has changed so much that I found it impossible to read the signs.

Mr Chrust

Mod brings him some unexpected information. Now bear in mind that Mod spends most of his days in the local library. Well, he’s found an interesting fact in an archive copy of the local paper, the Citizen. After a needless escapade late at night outside the pub, where Mod and Dangerous are so pissed they have to hold on to a rainwater downpipe to stand up and grip it so hard that their combined weight rips it free of its moorings and brings the whole thing, plus the guttering, crashing to the ground – on the same drunken night they pay a visit to the offices of the Citizen whose editor, Mr Chrust, living above the newspaper office, they wake up and lets them in.

It’s here, looking at the archive copy of the paper for the night Celia went missing, that Dangerous takes in what Mod had spotted – that on the night Celia disappeared, two coppers who were scheduled to be on patrol in a squad car, PC Frederick Fennell and PC Dudley, testified that they saw nothing untoward. But now, here, in the newspaper, Mod points out an article about a local policeman retiring which lists those in attendance and it includes the names of the two coppers who should have been out in their car. So they can’t have seen anything, their evidence is useless. More, does this duplicity indicate that they were somehow involved?

All the people he visits have quirks or oddities which stick out. Mr Chrust’s is that, when they knock on his front door (late at night) not one bit two sash windows open up and not Mr Chrust but two identical middle-aged women look out and ask who it is. This, Chrust tells them, is because his wife passed away some time ago and her two sisters moved in. Dangerous and Mod exchange looks but it’s not up to them to judge people.

Mrs Fennell

Next on the list is the wife of a copper who was supposed to be out patrolling but wasn’t. It was this sequence which really crystallised for me what a depressed and depressing book this is.

Mrs Edwina Fennell lived in a dying caravan anchored at the centre of a muddy field. (p.163)

She is a rejected-looking woman in her 60s with sunken eyes. She sniffles, crosses her thin arms over a pallid pinafore and can’t raise her eyes to look directly at Dangerous. Inside her caravan it’s as cold as the outside. The fittings are damaged and the plastic furniture unkempt. She tells him her husband went mad and is now housed in a lunatic asylum which is so horrible she can’t bear to visit him any more, holding back the tears. Everything about the scene is shabby and sad. Like everyone else Dangerous visits, though, she has a quirk and he finds Mrs Fennell in the middle of making huge piles of carefully cut sandwiches, three loaves’ worth which she explains she makes ‘for the foxes’, carefully setting them out on plates and loves watching them eat. That’s not how the foxes round me behave…

Mr Fennell at the lunatic asylum

So next on the visiting list is, logically enough, retired copper Fennell himself. This is the location of a series of really odd scenes. First of all Dangerous drives into the obviously extensive asylum grounds and sees a football match going on. Only when he gets chatting to the linesman does he realise he’s mad (he claims it’s a crucial game in the World Cup between England and Brazil). When the striker just pushes the goalkeeper over before scoring in the empty goal, Dangerous unwisely yells Foul and the entire field of 22 men plus officials turn and run towards him, so he quickly drives off.

He parks up and walks to the wall surrounding the main asylum building. There’s a door he goes through into an immaculately maintained garden where he sees a woman bent over the flowers. When he approaches she turns and is holding a gun. She makes him put his hands up and marches him at gunpoint through the garden, into the building, along corridors and to the office of the asylum manager, Dr Longton. nobody they pass like this bats an eyelid.

It’s characteristic of Thomas that I found this bewildering: is it in any way meant to be funny? What it comes over as is a) bewilderingly weird and then b) crushingly sad. The asylum is a sad place full of sad people. And when the director takes him through multiple locked doors to see the subject of his visit, retired police officer Fennell, he turns out to be ‘an ashen-faced, ancient, shaking man’ (p.172). Dangerous presumably gets so little out of him that the chapter ends abruptly at this point.

Madame Tarantella Phelps-Smith

Madame Tarantella Phelps-Smith claims to be a High Class Gypsy Fortune Teller except, of course, that she isn’t. She was born Beryl Adams and got the idea for a career in fortune telling when she was touched by a real Gypsy Soothsayer at a fair on Hackney Marshes. But, like all the other characters, her initial hopes in life have been slowly crushed and now she expects nothing, making a measly 50p per fortune telling session in her pokey room above a gentleman’s outfitters and spending all day betting heavily on the horses and losing.

Dangerous is visiting her because someone’s told him that the copper who should have been out patrolling that night, Fennell, was having an affair with her and regularly interrupted his rounds for an hour in bed with her (the same cop who is now a decrepit wreck in the lunatic asylum).

She astonishes Dangerous when she reveals that she’s got Celia’s bicycle in her shed. PC Fennell brought it round after discovering it abandoned in front of the cemetery. He thought it had just been dumped, it was only later that it became clear it belonged to the missing girl. At that point he had the bright idea that he’d use it as an alibi if he was every caught bunking off work to go and bonk Madame Tarantella. He would tell his bosses that she had reported finding a bike and turn his skiving into an Official Police Visit. But the years went by, he never reported it then he went mad.

Now Madame Tarantella shows Dangerous the bike buried under loads of junk in her shed, he pulls it out and strokes the handlebars and saddle that the mysterious teenager he’s become obsessed with once touched. When he opens the saddlebag he finds a very withered bunch of flowers. Now, Josie had told him that her mum told her that Celia was always bringing home flowers. the bicycle was found leaning against the cemetery wall. Did she used to break into the cemetery and nick the flowers she gave her mum? In which case, might whatever happened to her have happened in the cemetery.

Josie’s striptease

Dangerous goes down the pub with mad to discuss latest developments. On exiting he is accosted by skinny little Josie Norris who gets him to go along with her to the hairdressers where she works. It’s well after closing time but she has a key. On the way she galvanises Dangerous by telling him that Ramscar (who he still hasn’t found) has been threatening her (Josie’s) mum. Why? Because she talked to the cops?

Anyway, once in the deserted hairdressers something unnerving (for Dangerous and the reader) occurs which is that Josie makes Dangerous close his eyes, dims the lighting to just a spotlight, then makes him open them to see her walking into the spotlight dressed in Josie’s old clothes, the dress, the socks etc. the unnerving part is when she lifts up the dress to reveal that she’s wearing no panties.

There felt to me something badly wrong with this. I’ve just reread my review of ‘His Lordship’ (1970) which is about a 30-something man who has sex with the 15 and 16 year-olds at the private school where he teaches. His 1974 novel ‘Tropic of Ruislip’ features a 30-something married man who has an affair with an 18 year-old. Now we read the description of 35-year-old Dangerous Davies weakly protesting as 17-year-old Josie taunts and teases him, flaunting her boyish bum, then coming and sitting on his lap, ‘her hipbones protruding like cowboys’ guns’. It’s not hard to spot the recurrence of plotlines which salivate over schoolgirl porn.

At least they don’t actually have sex. Instead, in line with the general misery of the book, he realises she is sobbing.

This feels like a really unhealthy mixture of titillation (designed, like the soft porn Pan paperback covers, to draw in the middle-aged male commuter) with raw misery, very much like the pall of unhappiness which hung over ‘His Lordship’ despite all the gymslip porn.

Back at the cemetery

Dangerous goes back to the cemetery where he revives his antagonism to the sweary keeper, but he insists he’s on police business and asks to see the old, old burial register, from 1951. He establishes that 8 bodies were buried on 24, 25 and 26 July 1951. That evening in the pub, Mod and he discuss the hypothesis that Celia broke into the cemetery to nick some more flowers, was caught and murdered and the murderer threw her into one of the graves that was already dug for an upcoming funeral, lightly covered in soil, then the next day a casket lowered on top of her and the whole thing buried…

William Lind

Dangerous gets a message that Bill Lind’s at the police station asking for him. He takes him to an interview room (nervously, as this is all off his own bat; he’s not meant to have opened a 25-year-old case; if his boss found out he’d be disciplined). Remember that Bill was Celia’s boyfriend although uneasily aware that she was getting ‘it’ elsewhere (as we know, from Dave Boot the youth club leader).

Bill’s come to hand over Celia’s knickers, the ones that weren’t found with the rest of the clothes which were stuffed behind the cistern of the public lavatories. This allows Dangerous to prompt Bill to remember how all the boys used to like watching Celia’s knickers when she played table tennis at the club and how she liked showing them off – continuing the pervy voyeuristic vibe of the whole story. That’s how he recognised them. How did he come by them? Someone stuffed them in the saddle bag of his bike, he thought as a joke, maybe Celia herself. Then when she went missing, he was too scared to hand them in as they’d incriminate him. You could hang for murder in those days.

But Bill has one more piece of information. Years later is mum was waiting in a bus stop and overheard two local women discussing the case, and one describing how her husband saw Celia walking along the canal on the night in question with a man. The woman talking was a Mrs Whethers. And so the narrative, like a daisy chain, moves onto the next character.

Mrs Whethers

Dangerous tracks Mrs Whethers down to Kensal Rise and she invites him along to her over 60s club where they are having South American ballroom dancing lessons, so the big shambling clumsy smelly Dangerous finds himself having to bend almost double to dance the Tango with a succession of decrepit old ladies. Unfortunately, her husband, the one who claimed to have seen the missing girl walking with a man dressed in black all those years ago, is long dead.

At the library

He goes to meet Mod at the library and they reflect on how much they know. They leave and retrace what must have been the girl’s last steps from the youth club to the cemetery, then on to the pub, then back to Mrs Fulljames’s for a dinner of hot tripe. Then Dangerous goes for another walk to the pub and on his way back is set upon and beaten unconscious by three or four men.

At the hospital

Back at the hospital for the second time, swathed in bandages again. He learns that Albert Norris was beaten up even more badly than him and needed operating on. Josie comes to visit, thin waif, describing her father’s injuries and is astonished when Dangerous reveals that he’s found Josie’s bike and her pants (!).

Suddenly he has a revelation: he knows where the body is buried. He leaps out of bed, stuffs it with pillows to make it look like he’s still there, sneaks into a side room, hurriedly dresses, sneaks out and catches the hospital bus back into town. He walks to Parson’s lodgings where he calls the quivering perve down from his Salvation Army practice and forces him to admit that he did not find Celia’s clothes in a public convenience. He found them abandoned by the canal, at the end of the alleyway down to it which leads past the allotments. The allotments!

Mr Tilth

Right at the start of the story Dangerous had attended court for the case of a man who worked the allotments and had been found pinching plants. Now he wants his expertise, so he goes round and knocks up Mr Chrust and his two sisters-in-law (late at night, again) to check the most recent copy of the Citizen and confirm the allotment man’s name, Mr Tilth, and his address.

So round to his place goes Dangerous, playing up the police card this late at night, invites himself in and cross-questions Tilth about the state of the allotments back in 1951. His dad gardened the allotments before him, they’ve been in the family for over 30 years, so he remembers the fuss when the Home Guard built a blockhouse over part of it way back in 1940. Dangerous is excited till Tilth tells him it was all demolished in 1949 when he becomes deflated. Two years before the murder. Then Tilth casually mentions the basement room.

Next thing he knows Tilth is being dragged along to the allotments in the early hours. Long story, short, he points out the location of the concrete base of the old blockhouse and the trapdoor into the cellar, below the greenhouse of the man who pinched the allotments from him (Tilth) thus giving rise to his revenge, thus giving rise to Tilth’s appearance in court at the start. Anyway, after a lot of effort with a pickaxe, and totally demolishing the greenhouse, they finally scrape the trapdoor open, Dangerous shines a light down into it, and sees a pathetic pile of bones. Celia!

Next day

Dangerous closes the trap door, covers it with detritus, makes Tilth swear to secrecy and creeps back into his hospital bed from where, next morning, he is discharged.

He meets Mod in the library and tells him the massive news. Later he meets up with Josie and they go for a walk towards the canal. They are now an item. She pulls him into a dark alley and asks him to kiss her and then to put his hands inside her dress, which he does. He’s 33, she’s 17, it feels pervy, like the other non-Virgin books.

When they get back to the house she’s staying at she discovers her dad’s had a heart attack so they rush to the hospital. Dangerous waits in the familiar waiting room and, when she comes out, sees she’s been crying. Her dad died. In his last moments he thought she, Josie, was Celia. She’s never been able to escape from the dead girl’s shadow. They catch a taxi back to her place and that’s where she tells him she knows where Ramscar is hiding out, and gives him the address, a place called Bracken Farm.

At Bracken Farm

Dangerous drives the ten miles there, foolishly not telling any colleagues. He sneaks up on the farm, surrounded by cars and farm equipment, surprises the guard standing outside and takes his gun, then barges into the main farm building. Here he surprises Ramscar and half a dozen other crooks. A man runs towards him and Dangerous belts him with the shovel he’s holding, but it’s enough of a distraction for the others to rush him, take him in a rugby scrum, a gun goes off and shoots him in the leg, but then he becomes aware of other voices, faces, police lights, and cops burst in just as he passes out.

In a wheelchair

When Dangerous comes round he’s back in hospital, again. Josie visits. It was she who rang the police after tipping him off, which explains why reinforcements arrived. The last 15 pages move very fast and everything is cleared up suddenly. After a few days Dangerous is allowed out in a wheelchair and Josie takes to pushing him around town, where he is waved at by various citizens who’ve read about him and consider him a hero.

Josie spots that Mrs Whethers had mentioned that a Mr Harkness also knew something about the events of that night but had said he was 75 back then in 1951. Dangerous had assumed that must mean he’s dead but what if he isn’t? They rush round to see Mrs Whethers again, who confirms that Mr Harkness is indeed alive and living in Bristol.

So they get Father Harvey to use the church van to load Dangerous in his wheelchair and Mod and motor down to Bristol. Here they find him being looked after by his daughter in a nice apartment. Long story short, he remembers the night in question. He’d got plastered and fallen into the canal. He had just swum to the edge and was contemplating pulling himself out when he saw them, the copper and the young girl. And he remembers exactly who the copper was, one who was always arresting him for drunkenness. It was Dangerous’s current boss, Inspector Yardbird!

Fennell’s testimony

They talk through the implications on the long journey back from Bristol. When they get into Mrs Fulljames’s, there’s a note waiting for Dangerous from Mr Fennell out in the lunatic asylum. So they drive straight out to see him and Fennell puts the finishing touches to the evidence. Remember he was skiving off his duty in the police van. Well, he was sent signed sealed testimony from his associate, PC Dudley.

With heart trembling Dangerous opens the signed statement in which Dudley says he was feeling so rough after drinking too much rum at the leaving drinks for the retiring copper that he let PC Yardbird drive the van for him to where he was due to rendezvous with Fennell. But when he got to the cemetery the van wasn’t there. So he went looking and found it parked at the end of the lane down to the canal. As he got closer he saw PC Yardbird coming back up the alley, looking pace and sweating and his face scratched.

He thought Yardbird also was drunk but when he got in the van to drive it off to meet Fennell back at the cemetery, he found a girl’s lipstick on the floor. But it was only a month later, as the girl’s disappearance became a story, that he put 2 and 2 together. Dudley’s statement ends there but it’s enough.

Climax

All the coppers from his station and some senior CID officers gather for the ceremony where Dangerous is to be given an award for his bravery in the Ramscar case. Even his wife and Mrs Fulljames show up. Dangerous is tipped off by colleagues that Yardbird is livid because he opened Dangerous’s locker and found all the stuff about the Celia case. He presents Dangerous with his medal in grim silence.

The book ends with Dangerous leaning up and whispering in his ear that he’s like a word with him in private. He is going to tell him he has the evidence and the witnesses to convict him with the rape and murder of Celia Norris, but the narrative cuts off at this ‘dramatic’ moment, leaving us to imagine that scene for ourselves.

Depressing

What is a book like this really for? The back cover carries a review from the Daily Express which describes it as ‘recommended to anyone who enjoys a good detective yarn with plenty of laughs’ which seems wildly, madly off-target. You’ve read my summary, are there plenty of laughs? No. There are some half-hearted attempts at comic scenes, but a vital element of farce is manic energy and the book has very little of that. Instead a thick, heavy gloom hangs over every page. It is more manic depressive than manic farce. The scene when Dangerous and Mod are so drunk they end up pulling the drainpipe off the front of their favourite pub is implausible and sad rather than funny. In fact it’s embarrassing.

As Dangerous makes his way around the various characters involved in the disappearance, a panorama of waste and futility unfolds with grim heaviness. All the characters are desperately sad, everyone is a loser, all of them live blighted shabby lives of failure and loss, and as the book progresses the reader sinks deeper into the mire.

Nobody has a house. Starting with the antihero himself, people live in shabby boarding houses, rooms over shops, a tatty caravan or a lunatic asylum. Everyone is unhappy.

Venus, the evening whore, waved a customary hand to him from the end of the police station street. She looked lonely, exiled, as only a whore can. (p.194)

I liked that Thomas invented a newspaper seller who has a pitch at the corner of the High Street and every evening, regular as clockwork, as the working day ends, starts waving the evening edition and calling out: ‘Tragedy tonight! Big tragedy!’ And that his name is Job. (p.213) But it’s a grim kind of humour, whistling in the dark.

In this book absolutely everyone is lonely and exiled, especially from their own families. I can’t be bothered to run through them again but you’ve seen from this summary how almost everyone’s marriages are a travesty and a sham, how young girls get exploited, how unhappy every middle-aged woman is, what cramped perverted little lives so many of the men lead. This is much more depressing than Samuel Beckett.

Flashes of the old style

There are occasional flashes of the vivid prose style I liked so much in The Virgin Soldiers, mostly when it comes to describing the thoroughly depressed urban environment of north-west London which Dangerous and all the other characters inhabit, or occasional moments in an exchange or description.

It was a choked place, a great suburb of grit and industrial debasement. Streets spilled into factories and factories leaned over railway yards. A power station, its cooling towers suggesting a touch of Ali Baba, squatted heavily amid the mess like a fat man unable to walk a step further. (p.17)

White astonishment flew into Boot’s face. (p.66)

He managed that most difficult of vocal achievements, a quiet shout. (p.119)

He was a peanut of a man with short bristles protruding from his face and otherwise bald head like the airy white fluff of a dandelion clock. (p.157)

Dr Longton scratched his nose. He was slim and gently bent like a feather. (p.170)

He pushed his hand, white as a bat in the winter darkness, through the bars of the gate. (p.212)

Fortunately he arrived at an explanation before she arrived at a scream. (p.222)

Not many moments like this, though. Not enough to compensate for the strange and depressing atmosphere of most of the book and the pervy vibe it radiates.

Reading one of his little blips of prose amusement (‘the vehicle made off into the latening evening’) it crossed my mind that lots of gags and tricks and flurries like this don’t amount to a worldview. Don’t amount to a considered, coherent and deep consideration of prose narrative and its subtle potentials. The opposite. All fireworks, no foundation.

TV series

Here’s a link to some of the ITV series.


Credit

‘Dangerous Davies: The Last Detective’ by Leslie Thomas was published by Eyre Methuen in 1976. Page references are to the 2001 Arrow Books paperback edition. All quotations are used for the purpose of criticism and review.

Related (comic) reviews