Tag Archives: thinking

by

Stolen One-Liners

 

I have kleptomania….
….When it gets bad, I take something for it.

I gotta teach my facial expressions….
….how to use their indoor voice.

After over 50 years of marriage, the wife and I still find things to talk about….
….just not to each other, obviously.

I have an aviation joke….
….but it would probably go over your head.

Four out of three people….
….struggle with math.

It’s all shits and giggles….
….till someone giggles and shits.

Black cats don’t cause bad luck….
….Your life was already shit.

I used to think drinking was bad for me….
….so I gave up – thinking.

Dear Santa, before I explain….
….how much do you know already??

Due to a recent coin shortage….
….no-one is allowed to put in their two cents worth.

The less people know….
….the longer the explanation.

Many people stop looking for work….
….when they find a job.

If you think that marriage is 50/50….
….you don’t know the half of it.

Weed, beer, and whiskey are all made from plants….
….I think I might be a vegetarian.

Knock, knock.  Who’s there?….
….Doorbell repairman.

If people make you sick….
….maybe you should cook them longer.

I’ve taken up pottery in retirement….
….Just kiln time.

The “Earth” without “Art”….
….is just “Eh.”

Do electricians listen to AC/DC….
….or something more current?

by

Fibbing Friday #291

Mixed bag from Pensitivity101’s brain last week. Your definitions or insights on these please.

1. What is an heirloom?

It’s a valuable, antique, cloth-making device that I received from my Grandmother’s estate.

2. What is The Big Dipper?

That’s what I use to serve myself hot and sour soup, at the all-you-can-eat Chinese Buffet.  I tried carrying the whole samovar back to the table – but those damned things are hot.

3. What is a titfer? (Keep it family friendly remember!!)

I’ll have to put on my thinking cap to come up with an answer for that one.

4. What is a mud flap?

That’s the fuss that’s caused by a driver who doesn’t slow down, or move aside, near a puddle and a pedestrian.

5. What is a barrel roll?

It is how the local Oktoberfest is kicked off.  Not long after, we have over-enthusiastic tourists imitating the barrel – rolling along the gutter and spewing (used) beer.

6. Why did Polly want a cracker?

Because she promised to go blue-screen-free for 6 weeks, and isn’t getting any cookies/biscuits.

7. What is meant by ‘trip the light fantastic?’

It’s what could happen if you imbibe too much liquid Christmas cheer, try to decorate the tree, and tangle your  feet in all those #$*%& cords.

8. What is a diffuser?

A member of an elite military or police branch who safely neutralize and remove explosive devices

9. What is a valet?

It’s the upmarket product line being offered by Simca Motors.  People will purchase Hyundai Genesis, and Honda Acura, but no-one has been able to stop laughing long enough to buy one of these.

10. What is a noggin?

It’s the headache/hangover caused by absorbing too much Christmas rum and egg nog.

by

Perverted One-Liners

My girlfriend called me a pervert….
….I said, ”That’s a big word for a nine-year-old.”

One year, a little boy wrote to Santa, “Please send me a sister.”….
…. Santa wrote back, “Okay, send me your mother.”

A man feels better after a few winks….
….especially if she winks back.

Would you call a retired cowboy….
….de-ranged?

Great minds….
….overthink alike.

A penny saved….
….is a Government oversight.

He who hesitates….
….is probably right.

If you’re happy and you know it….
….it’s your meds.

When do women appreciate a man’s company?….
….When he owns it.

I’m not fat….
….I’m just easy to see.

I’m not sure if life is passing me by….
….or trying to run me over.

For every action….
….there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

Call me antisocial….
….but please don’t call me.

She was just a bootlegger’s daughter….
….but I loved her still.

She was only the Admiral’s daughter….
….but her navel was always full of discharged semen.

by

Ask – And You Will Be Answered

Interview someone — a friend, another blogger, your mother, the mailman — and write a post based on their responses.

A Friend – Am I as crazy as I believe you think I am??!
We did not become friends so that you could get free psychotherapy.  Swallow the meds that you can take with alcohol, and break us each out a tall-can of that good, dark ale.  After a few of those, we’ll know which one – or both – of us is crazy…. But it won’t matter.

Another Blogger – Can I ask you a few questions?
Uh…. Possibly….  What questions?
Damned if I know!  I’m just supposed to interview someone.  The prompt didn’t say what it was supposed to be about.  A lot of times, I just question myself.  Sometimes I have answers.  Sometimes I don’t.  Are zebras white, with black stripes – or black, with white stripes??  If a centipede a pint, and a velocipede a quart, how much would a precipice??!

Your Mother – Mom, I’d like to ask you some questions. Mom??  Mommm??!….  I don’t think this Ouija Board thing is working.  Do I have to move it nearer to the cemetery?  I wonder what their Wi-Fi password is.

The Mailman – Can I ask you a few questions about your job?  How did you become a postman?  How big is your bag??  Do you like your job?  What is the greatest benefit, and disadvantage?
ALL INQUIRIES ABOUT CANADA POSTAL SERVICE MUST BE MADE IN TRIPLICATE – ONE QUESTION PER ENVELOPE, BY REGISTERED MAIL.  EACH SUBMISSION MUST BE ACCOMPANIED WITH A $25 CERTIFIED CHEQUE – MAIL TO CANADA POST 199 OVERLOOK AVE, OTTAWA, ON.  QUESTIONS MAY ALSO BE SUBMITTED ONLINE @ canadapost.fu/disdain  PLEASE HAVE VALID VISA, MASTERCARD OR DEBIT HANDY

No wonder I talk to myself.  I’m the smartest guy in the room.  Speaking of which…. Could somebody let me out??  This canvas jacket is beginning to chafe.  😮

by

Symmetry/Asymmetry

In an argument or discussion, most people expect the other guy to think and act the same way they do.

Those who raise questions about the God hypothesis and the soul hypothesis are by no means all atheists.  An atheist is someone who is certain that God does not exist, someone who has compelling evidence against the existence of God.  I know of no such compelling evidence.  Because God can be relegated to remote times and places and to ultimate causes, we would have to know a great deal more about the universe than we do to be sure that no such God exists.  To be certain of the existence of God and to be certain of the nonexistence of God seem to me to be the confident extremes in a subject so riddled with doubt and uncertainty as to inspire very little confidence indeed.
    —    Carl Sagan

I am disappointed that normally clear-thinking Carl Sagan once said this, but I am not surprised that he did, or that I recently found it offered as some sort of rebuttal/argument, on some Christian Apologist’s blog-site.

(Almost) no Atheist claims to know for certain, that God does not exist.  Rather, they claim to know that the very concept of a God is not coherent, and every definition and description that they have been presented with, lacks sufficient convincing evidence to be believable.

The problem is not with the Theist’s God, or its existence.  It is with the Theist’s arguments and presentation.  Faith is not a virtue.  It is the excuse that people give when they don’t have a good reason to support their Theistic beliefs.  If they had a good reason, they would present that.

by

’24 A To Z Challenge – M

As the Bangles said, it’s Just Another Manic Monday, even if it’s a Wednesday.  Because I Mis-scheduled, and Misused my time and creative energy, I didn’t have an M Challenge ready for Monday.  I’ve barely got this stream-of-unconsciousness one ready for Wednesday.  I sometimes miss the melodious and mellifluous speech patterns and vocabularies from The Golden Era.

I recently encountered the word

MUSERY

A particular place or space, often a special room, for contemplation and introspection, where one can think great thoughts, or think no thoughts at all, to dissipate and dispel the stresses and pressures of life

The stresses and pressures of modern life must easily be twice what they were 150, or 200 years ago.  The closest modern equivalent might be the Man Cave, but the electronic Information Age doesn’t allow much time, energy, or privacy for contemplation.

Just before COVID19 struck, the Grandson asked if I would drive the two of us up to my home town on a Sunday, for a shared day of memories of where I grew up – the tracks and trails, the streets and buildings, the businesses that were gone, and the ones still there, the scenic path in the park around the little downtown lake, the 1850 home that I was born in, the post-war house that my empty-nest parents moved to.

Now I have arthritis and angina, and he has a 3-year-old son.  It grows less and less likely that it will ever happen.  Sometimes, when the music videos have been turned off, the wife has gone to bed, and I am bored with reading all three of my current books, I sit quietly for a little while, in my dim, silent Musery, and dredge up pleasant memories of my halcyon youth.

***

Four score and Oh-My-God years ago, this coming Saturday, I was born.  To celebrate, I am offering a free, extra, commemorative blog post.  Stop around, but bring plenty of Kleenex – not for you, but to keep my tears from leaking out of your computer/tablet/phone/device.

by

Allergic To One-Liners

I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock….
….in a nutshell.

After the election, a poll reveals that 100% of Americans think….
….that 50% of Americans have lost their minds.

If Joe Biden and Donald Trump had a street fight, who would win?….
….The American public.

70% of Americans said that Donald Trump being elected would make them nervous….
….The other 30% said that it would make them Canadians.

Donald Trump and Joe Biden are in a boat that sinks.  Who is saved?….
….The United States of America

What do you call a homeless horse?….
….Unstable.

If God made man in His image….
….why aren’t we invisible?

When I was a kid, there were two ways to die….
….Natural causes, and talking back to your parents.

I have a friend who composes music about sewing machines….
….He’s a Singer song-writer – or sew it seams.

I’m lucky I don’t have enough friends….
….to stage an intervention.

Back in my day, a selfie….
….was what you did when the wife wasn’t in the mood.

Laughter is the best medicine….
….unless you have diarrhea.

My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation….
….so I slathered it all over my co-worker, Karen.

Some people lack the ability to laugh at themselves….
….That’s where I come in.

The Innuendo Society has seen….
….a huge rise in its members

Back in my day, blowing a tranny….
….was an automotive issue.

No use being pessimistic….
….It wouldn’t work anyway.

Did you know that “Dammit I’m mad” spelled backwards….
….is “Dammit I’m mad.”

Be a minimalist….
….It’s the least you can do.

by

Spinning a Yarn FF

Last week’s Fibbing Friday questions were provided by Jim Adams
https://jimadamsauthordotcom.wordpress.com/

Thanks Jim.

 

1.Rumpelstiltskin spun straw into gold in exchange for what?

Bitcoin.

2. What did humans do before the bobbin was invented?

The drunken sport of getting apples out of a tub of water without using your hands, involved spears.

3. What is the difference between knitting and crocheting?

In crocheting, you can’t use the cutesy pun, TINKing to describe unknitting stitches to correct a mistake.

4. What does a drop spindle do?

Dispenses liquid dough into hot oil, at the doughnut-ball fair food kiosk.

5. What does a painted pony have to do with a spinning wheel?

George Dubya said that he tried marijuana, but he didn’t inhale.  Barack Obama was honest enough to admit that he inhaled.  THAT’S THE WHOLE POINT!  If you can quote 1969 lyrics, you didn’t inhale, you didn’t drop out, and you didn’t drop acid – which might explain a painted pony.

Pedantic BTW:  The Blood, Sweat & Tears song doesn’t sing about a yarn-making spinning-wheel.  It refers to the constantly-spinning Wheel of Life.

6. If you stick a needle in your eye, does that show sincerity?

I have never seen the word Stupidity spelled like that.  I have let four doctors, on three occasions, stick needles in my eyes.  I Can See Clearly Now.

7. What was Barthélemy Thimonnier known for?

He was the famous opera singer that the Singer sewing machine was named after.  It was a much better marketing ploy.  Just imagine owning a Thimonnier.

8. What happened in the Golden Age of sewing?

Special clothing was made for King Midas.

9. What breed of sheep makes the best wool?

It’s a breed called “Pittsburgh,” developed by US Steel on a farm just outside the city.  My mother used the yarn to knit a Volkswagen.

10. What happens when the cotton field gets rotten?

You’d better not get sick.  You won’t be able to get medications out of their containers, because you can’t pick very much cotton.

by

Way Ahead On One-Liners

If you’re having second thoughts….
….you’re already two ahead of many people.

I am not a poser….
….I just pretend to be one.

Springing forward really ticks me off….
….I’m losing sleep about it.

At Christmas, I wanted to deck the halls….
….but that wouldn’t be neighborly.

I recently saw an Arabic Elvis impersonator….
….His name was Amal Shookup.

Tried to teach my dog to fetch….
….but he just doesn’t get it.

I went to a pub quiz in a really tough neighborhood….
….The first question was, “What are you looking at?”

I just bought Clue: Swingers Edition….
….Turns out they all did it – in every room.

If there’s one place I can’t stand….
….It’s an ice rink.

I just had an MRI….
….to see if I am claustrophobic.

Me, driving at night….
….I hope this is the road.

Sometimes I talk to myself….
….and then we both laugh and laugh.

Bought a book today titled, “Overcoming Kleptomania.”….
….Well, I say ‘bought.’

My son was on eBay all day….
….If he’s still there tomorrow, I’ll lower the price.

I’ve asked a lot of people what LGBTQ stands for….
….So far no-one has given me a straight answer.

Science reveals that women have cleaner minds than men….
….because they change them every ten minutes.

I’m not going outside….
….until the temperature equals my age.

I hate being bi-polar….
….It’s awesome.

People who eat bacon are….
….less likely to blow themselves up in the name of Allah.

I doubt that vodka is the answer….
….but it’s worth a shot.

My apathy is at an all-time….
….whatever.

by

Fantastic Fibbing Friday

Pensitivity101 had a bit of fantasy last week. What can you come up with for these?

  1. Whose home planet is Skaro?

Al Capone.

  1. What would you expect to find in Dinotopia?

Chicken broth, shredded chicken breast, chopped leeks, and small potato cubes.  This soup is so good, it not only cures the common cold, it’ll cure COVID.

3. Who was born on Krypton?

All the code-breaker nerds who work for the American NSA, and the British GCHQ.

4. Where can you find Plutonium?

In my toilet bowl after a shit and stink sit and think session, following a feed of nachos.

5. What colour blood would a Martian have?

The Martian was a red-blooded American astronaut who, as in most American movies, triumphed against impossible odds.

6. Whose home planet is Gallifrey?

The newly-hired non-human, full-time chef on Dr. Who’s TARDIS.  A hedgehog from the Medusan Galaxy, with his superior senses of smell and taste, he can whip up an omelet or paella that will make your taste buds weep for joy.

7. Whose home world is Eternia?

These were the evil aliens who drafted the service protocols for all Government offices.  You stand in line, to be allowed to stand in a different line.  Just as you reach the service counter, your clerk slaps down a sign which reads, This wicket is closed.  Please stand in line.  If you do manage to sneak up on a clerk, they will demand a document that you don’t have, and possibly does not exist.

8. What was the Hyborian Age?

That was when the Czechoslobovian kid across the street could finally have a pint in the pub – legally.  His older brother, Tibor, has been gibing him for two years, and his younger brother, Jawor wants to use the Gregorian calendar.

9. Where would you find Pellucidar?

In any of Donald Trump’s speeches – half obscurity, half outright lies, half boasts and brags, half egotistic narcissism, and ALL buffalo manure.  Any clarity or truth is purely coincidental.

10. What is Thedas?

Like sand through the hourglass of time, these are Thedas of our lives.
This was a long-running American soap opera, mostly for bored housewives with no lives of their own.  I scrolled through on a Monday, and someone was leaving the room.  I happened back on the Friday, and the door was just closing.