Fibbing Friday #260

Last week the questions were from Pensitivity101’s monthly newsletter

  1. Who made the first manned hot air balloon flight in 1783?

That was Donald Trump’s great-great-grandfather.  He was giving an extended oration in Ulm, about making The Germanies great again, from a small rostrum with a light, linen pavilion over it.  Finally, all that inflamed rhetoric began to accumulate, the canopy filled with his hot air, and like Ed Asner in the animated movie, he floated Up and away, leaving some in his audience muttering about delusions, egos, and bankruptcies.

  1.  Which is the more widely used around the world, cow’s milk or goat’s milk?

Probably cow’s milk, because the average cow produces the weight of two goats in milk each day, but with Woke, and Veganism, it’s losing ground, being replaced by soy milk, almond milk, rice milk, oat milk coconut milk, and hemp milk.

Soy milk is its largest competitor, because it’s readily available all through Asia.  But soy milk contains chemicals that mimic the female hormone, estrogen, producing passive, peaceful, and patient behavior.  You don’t see soy-milk cheese slices on Trump’s, or Putin’s, McDonald’s cheeseburgers.

  1.  What does the word “Canada” mean?

“Donald Trump’s whipping boy”

  1.  True or False, an adult male baboon can kill an adult leopard?

True!  Especially in States that allow concealed carry without a license.

  1.  Which U.S. State has the nickname “Hawkeye”?

That would be Maine, where the most famous character in the M.A.S.H. book/movie/TV series hailed from.  It wouldn’t be Iowa.  That’d be just nuts.

  1.  In which decade of the 19th Century did Christmas Day become a national U.S. holiday?

The Festival of Conspicuous Consumption??  It was probably the final decade, but it was the one when Madison Avenue stopped selling us what we needed, and could use, and started selling us on the idea that there were things that we should pay outrageous prices for, so that we felt good about ourselves, and looked good to other people.

  1.  Which strong cheese, made from ewe’s milk and stored in caves, is named after a village in France?

The village is Gruyėre, and that is the name of one of three types of cheese made near the Swiss Alps.  The little holes in the cheeses are actually part of the cave, which has been shrinking over time.  In ten years they will have to be made in Emmanuel Macron’s basement.

  1.  Who painted “Whistler’s Mother”?

A little bourbon, a little grass, a little acid, a little body paint – coulda been anyone.  Coulda been everyone.  Probably was.  She doesn’t know who Whistler’s Father was.

  1.  In Denmark they are known as “laks” what are they known as in English?

Toupees, or wigs

  1.  Approximately what percentage of humans are left-handed?

It’s about 10%, but it would probably be higher if it weren’t for the number of southpaws that right-handed tools slay each year.  Right-handed scissors, in left hands, kill more people than fentanyl overdoses.  Right-handed can openers cause lefties to die from frustration and heart attacks!

Definitely Fibbing Friday

Familiar words from Pensitivity101 last week, but my definitions are interesting and amusing!

1.What is a didgeridoo?

That’s the stuff that I have to scrape off the bottom of my fringed lizard’s cage.

2. What is a wombat?

That’s the one that was ruled illegal at the cricket open, when it was found to be bored and corked.  A little Marshall Plan donation from American Major League Baseball.

3. What is a jerry can?

The washroom at the local schnitzel restaurant

4. What is a beaker?

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew’s assistant on The Muppet Show.

5. What is a photofit?

That’s why there are so few pictures of me.  Cameras with fisheye lenses are not common.

6. What is meant by pluck?

I don’t want to harp on it, but that is a musical term.

7. What is a cat nap?

90% of my feline pets’ lives

8. Where will you find a winder?

Much against my desires and better judgement, I allowed myself to be enrolled in a post-heart surgery Cardiac rehabilitation exercise program.  The winder is an inclined treadmill.  20 minutes on that has me huffing and puffing.  If God had meant us to walk, He would not have invented Uber.

9. What is a crosshair?

It’s what’s on top of my head each morning.  I used to say that it looked like I combed it with a pillow.  Now, it’s more like it had a midnight tussle with an industrial blender.

10. What is an effigy?

My usual style of speech, when I have to deal with the world at large. I sound like a chicken with Tourette’s syndrome.   #uck, #uck, #uck

Don’t-Give-A–Shit One-Liners

Déjà Poo….
….The feeling of having heard this crap before.

Which essential oil is best….
….to get people to stop talking to you??

You know you’re getting old, when you run into your friends….
….at the pharmacy, instead of the clubs.

My wife asked if she had any annoying habits….
….then got all upset during the PowerPoint presentation.

The wife challenged me to make a pun about flowers….
….I rose to the occasion.

I hate it when people say, “Bite me”….
….then act all surprised.

I don’t need anyone to remind me how old I am….
….I have a bladder to do that for me.

If you’re a giver, remember to learn your limits….
….because the takers don’t have any.

My co-worker is in hospital after eating a bacon cheeseburger….
….It was mine!

In the US, people have the right to remain silent….
….but very few have the ability.

Respect people who wear glasses….
….They paid money to see you.

Sometimes you just look at people…
….and wonder how they fit all that stupid into one head.

My patience is like a gift card….
….not sure how much is on it, but let’s give it a try.

Teslas don’t come with a new car smell….
….they come with an Elon Musk.

The biggest irony is….
….getting hit by a Dodge.

I saw a sign that said falling rocks….
….so I tried it, and it doesn’t.

My wife is a sex object….
….Every time I ask for sex, she objects

A will….
….is a dead giveaway.

Bloody Millennials….
….walking around like they rent the place.

Give Me Liberty, Or Give Me Death

Those who give up freedoms for security, will receive neither.

Police do not want to enforce the laws.  They want peace and quiet.

Sadly, so do too many citizens, at the expense of their, and others’, guaranteed rights and freedoms.  I hear apologies and excuses like, “Somebody nosing around the back of a police station could be setting a bomb, sabotaging vehicles, or planning an ambush shooting. People pushing their rights should think about how they look to those they are pushing against.”

All of that is true.  HOWEVER….  Anticipating that police are often required to make difficult decisions quickly, cool-minded, forward-thinking planners have established a whole directory of rules and regulations, tactics, plans, procedures, policies and protocols, strategies, statutes, and laws that should be followed in any problematic situation.

The US Supreme Court has ruled that ‘suspicion’ is not a crime, and that investigation must be carried out before slapping handcuffs on someone and hot-boxing them in the back of a cruiser.  Police are not allowed to definitely break the law, just because a citizen might be doing something illegal.

A well-known Florida auditor travelled to a small Georgia city, also well-known for mistreating homeless, panhandlers, transients…. and auditors.  He stood right outside the city hall, with a large cardboard sign that read “FUCK City Hall.”  Immediately, the mayor and three police officers appeared.  At first, they tried to claim that he was ‘soliciting’ (panhandling – which the US Supreme Court has ruled is an appeal for social assistance, and protected First Amendment speech) but he quickly rebutted that, and claimed freedom of speech.

They were obviously more enraged at this act of rebellion, than the content of the sign, but made a big deal about it, claiming that the word ‘FUCK’ was an obscenity that the city had a bylaw against.  He informed them that, again, it was protected free speech.

Several times they demanded and ordered him to leave.  Several times he demurred, citing the Constitutional right to redress of social grievances on the steps of city hall.  The attacks grew sharper and stronger.  Finally, he said,  “What are you gonna do, if I don’t leave?”  “You will be arrested and charged.”  “I don’t want to be arrested, because then I would have to sue you for violating my Constitutional rights.”  “Go ahead and sue, smart guy!  I don’t give a shit about your Constitutional rights!” – an attitude mirrored by far too many police officers.

“Okay, under threat of arrest, I will leave.”  “Too late!  If you wanna play the game, you have to pay the price.  You’re under arrest.”  The actual, final outcome of this altercation was probably strongly influenced by the handsy female Negro cop, who was clearly seen and heard on camera to say, “If we can’t do it the right way, we’ll do it our way.”  A year later, the Georgia Supreme Court ordered that all records of his arrest and charges had to be expunged.  The unlawful panhandling and obscenity bylaws had to be rescinded.  The mayor had to issue an official, printed apology, and ensure that a digital copy was posted on the city’s website, and an unspecified amount of punitive damages had to be paid.

King James (Yeah, That King James – the one with the Bible) once said, “It is better that a thousand innocents be tortured to death, than that one witch be allowed to live.”  It is disheartening that the actions and attitudes of petty tyrants have not improved appreciably in four hundred years.  😮

Original post here

TILWROT V

23 Celebrities who don’t use their real name

Once upon a time, a tribe of nomads named the Germanyė, inhabited one of the seven hills of what would become Rome.  Later, they wandered off – or were forced off. They drifted up the peninsula, and through the Alps, to the west, where they finally settled. Now they called themselves Germanotta – an Italian-ish word that meant the Germanyé people who journeyed here.

The main group split up, and various clans spread out.  Some of them took ‘Germanotta’ as a surname.  Later, Diaspora Jews settled in the same areas and some also took the name.  These clans of people, and the territories they occupied, became a group of little principalities which were collectively known as “The Germanies,” until the middle of the 1800s, when they were united into the ‘Empire of Germany.’

From one of them, a family emigrated to America, and a female descendant named Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta was born, who grew up to be the singer/performer who called herself Lady Gaga.

***

I was reading a science fiction novel about a time traveler in Tyre, in ancient Phoenicia.  To make his conversations seem like formal, upper-class-speak, the author wrote his speech in Middle-English, upper-class-speak, with an overabundance of ‘tis and ‘twas, and thee and thou.

He addressed a nosy gate-guard as a “gossoon,” and the search was on!  Gossoon means lad, or boy.  It came to English 1675/1685, from the Irish Gaelic, garsun, also meaning boy, or lad – which, in turn came from Old French, Garçon, which surprisingly, also means boy, or young, unmarried man.  That word has grown up in English when we pretentiously use it to refer to a waiter – young, old, married, or single.

***

Once upon a time – Snake Oil was real
I was viewing an article titled Un-noticed Movie Mistakes.  In Django Unchained, Django and his white mentor blow up something with red sticks of dynamite – decades before Alfred Nobel got around to developing it.

In those days, if you wanted to blow shit up, you used black powder – because the more powerful smokeless powder had also not been developed.  For large, or special, explosions, unsafe, unstable, nitroglycerine was used.  That’s why Nobel soaked it into guncotton, to make it safe and reliable.

In both the US, and Canada, when the railways were being extended to the west coast, large numbers of coolies, expendable Chinese workers, were imported to do the dangerous work.  A report said that taking the rails through the Canadian Rockies cost one Chinaman per mile.  A Canadian Minute PSA showed one Chinaman being handed a glass vial of nitro, and told to go into a cavern, and tamp it into a bored hole.  There was a muffled explosion, and a huge cloud of smoke and dust.  The foreman just assumed that the payroll had been reduced by one more, when the coughing, but smiling, man emerged.

Rail crews work hard, and the Chinese were probably made to work harder than white men.  At the end of a hard day, they were stiff and sore.  Many of the Chinese rubbed an unguent on their joints that seemed to reduce pain, and aid flexibility.  They told inquiring whites that it was Chinese snake oil.  Much later investigation revealed that the “snakes” were actually aquatic, freshwater eels, whose bodies contained Omega3 fatty acids.

With the white guys sharing it, buying it, and stealing it, the supply eventually disappeared – but not the demand – that remained as hot as ever.  The Chinese caught garter snakes, grass snakes, milk snakes, even rattlesnakes, and rendered them down.  Being land animals the results were not the same, but sometimes at gunpoint, they were forced to supply the now nonexistent magic elixir.  Of course it didn’t work – and another urban myth was born.

’24 A To Z Challenge – M

As the Bangles said, it’s Just Another Manic Monday, even if it’s a Wednesday.  Because I Mis-scheduled, and Misused my time and creative energy, I didn’t have an M Challenge ready for Monday.  I’ve barely got this stream-of-unconsciousness one ready for Wednesday.  I sometimes miss the melodious and mellifluous speech patterns and vocabularies from The Golden Era.

I recently encountered the word

MUSERY

A particular place or space, often a special room, for contemplation and introspection, where one can think great thoughts, or think no thoughts at all, to dissipate and dispel the stresses and pressures of life

The stresses and pressures of modern life must easily be twice what they were 150, or 200 years ago.  The closest modern equivalent might be the Man Cave, but the electronic Information Age doesn’t allow much time, energy, or privacy for contemplation.

Just before COVID19 struck, the Grandson asked if I would drive the two of us up to my home town on a Sunday, for a shared day of memories of where I grew up – the tracks and trails, the streets and buildings, the businesses that were gone, and the ones still there, the scenic path in the park around the little downtown lake, the 1850 home that I was born in, the post-war house that my empty-nest parents moved to.

Now I have arthritis and angina, and he has a 3-year-old son.  It grows less and less likely that it will ever happen.  Sometimes, when the music videos have been turned off, the wife has gone to bed, and I am bored with reading all three of my current books, I sit quietly for a little while, in my dim, silent Musery, and dredge up pleasant memories of my halcyon youth.

***

Four score and Oh-My-God years ago, this coming Saturday, I was born.  To celebrate, I am offering a free, extra, commemorative blog post.  Stop around, but bring plenty of Kleenex – not for you, but to keep my tears from leaking out of your computer/tablet/phone/device.

Alphabetic Fibbing Friday

Last week, Pensitivity101 said that it was time for an A B C.
Definitions for these words please (but your responses can start with any letter):

1. Abomasum

I just didn’t have the stomach to dream up a silly definition for this word.  It’s not like I’m some dumb cow, just delivering on demand.

2. Absquatulate

That’s the workout procedure that the wife is trying to get me to do.  My idea of exercise is a good, brisk sit.  ”Overweight” is what hangs past my belt.

3. Amphisbaena

This is a child’s – and sometimes adults’ – unreasonable aversion to taking a bath.

4. Antimacassar

Composed mostly of wives who are not allowed to accompany their husbands to the pub, this is an action group which is trying to prevent Scottish men from making drunken fools of themselves.  😮  As if!  Might as well try to legislate that the sky is green.

5. Atingle

The wife claims that I’m not a very good DIY electrician.  Well, she’s in for a shock.

6. Bailiwick

Bailiwick is the brand name of the pail-sized citronella candles that Canadian campers use to ward of backwoods mosquitoes that are big enough to molest seagulls.

7. Bafflegab

Any of Donald Trump’s speeches or Tweets.  (Do we call them Xs now??)  Comprestand??!  Covfefe!  😮

8. Calliope

This is a stew from Kenya, which the wife discovered the recipe for. It’s delicious, but a little difficult to get the gnu meat for.

9. Cornucopia

That’s the college that the wife’s podiatrist went to.

10. Cryptozoology

This is the modern collection of the strange and weird, NFT, digital, online creatures.  You have to pay with Bitcoin, to be allowed to view them.

***

So, what are you doing for Easter??

Oh, just hangin’ around.

Food For Fibbing Friday

Last week, Pensitivity101 wanted to know if we were hungry. Maybe not for our suggestions as to what these are!

  1. Cock-a-leekie

That’s a medical problem that many old guys like me suffer from.  It’s the price we have to pay to get older.  Many older women also suffer a related problem.  There are pads, and special underwear to sop up the overflow, but can you really trust a personal protection product named…. Depends??

2. Baked Alaska

The sun does not set in most of Alaska for six months in the summer.  Does that mean that you guys don’t sleep for six months??  🙄  Yes, it’s why Sarah Palin thought that she could see Russia from her front door – sleep deprivation.  Throw in Global Warming, and lots of sunny days, and some restaurants are offering a new organic specialty – toasted muskeg.

3. Toad in the hole

That’s the term of love and respect that my Redneck Karen neighbour uses for me.  Y’all don’t go nowhere, er do nothin’  Youse is just an old toad in the hole.  Which is still better than the term commonly used for her and her inbred brood – “Known to Police!”

4. Boeuf Bourguignon

He was a French actor wrestler, who appeared in the ring about the same time as Hulk Hogan and The Rock.

5. Quiche Lorraine

I thought you were referring to Quickie Lorraine, the hooker who works near the train station.

6. Chicken Chasseur

He’s the guy who is forever pursuing that poor bird, demanding to know why it crossed the road.

7. Creole Succotash

At last, I know the first name of the poor guy that Sylvester the Cat claims is always ‘Sufferin.’

8. Pan di Rosmarino

It’s a big pot of spaghetti Bolognese, that ex-quarterback Dan Marino’s wife, Rosa cooks up for family dinners.

9. Instant Whip

It’s the name of a well-known Dominatrix Den downtown.  But guys, if you want to be debased and controlled, just get married.

10. Loukoumades

It’s a slightly slurred warning from an Australian bloke.  It’s equivalent to the American expression, “Hold my beer, and watch this.”

’23 A To Z Challenge – P

When people talk about me – and they do – in hushed tones, until the medical-transfer van arrives – Dear Lord, Anne, he does jabber on, doesn’t he?  I thought he’d never shut up.  He just goes on and on, and on, and on.  I’ve learned my lesson.  Never again will I ask if there are any questions at a production meeting, when he’s there.  I thought Bob was going to pee himself before he finally shut up.  It was like he had an oral orgasm – a

PLEONASM

Verbosity; The use of more words than are necessary to express an idea; redundancy.

He was just spewing random trivia in all directions.  I see how Monica Lewinski got the stains on her blue dress.  And he just kept raising rhetorical questions, without letting anyone else get a word in edgewise.  I think that he breathes through his ears.  That could be fun in the bedroom, but not in the boardroom.

The mental-health attendant said that they’ll give him some Lithium treatment, and he should be quiet when he comes back to work Monday.

😀

’23 A To Z Challenge – M

 

Weirdoes Racists I Have Known

The lives of my Mother, and another woman in town, paralleled each other for decades.  They both got married.  They both had a baby girl.  They both got divorced.  They both lived as a single mother for ten years.  They both got remarried in 1943.  My Father was invalided out of the Armed Services, to return home and marry her.  I don’t know where the other woman dug up a man to marry, in the middle of World War II.

He was never the picture of glowing health, and I guess somebody had to stay and work in the factories – although, all three local factories produced solid-wood home furniture, not exactly crucial to the war effort.  Both women gave birth to a boy in 1944. (Me!)  In 1947 they both had another boy.

By the time I met him a few years later, he was already known to all and sundry as Tojo.  His father’s first name was Ivan, a good Russian name.  The family name was a very uncommon German name.  I suspect that the father provided the nickname, but don’t understand how a German-Canadian kid got a Japanese moniker, so soon after VJ-Day.  He kept it till he left secondary school.

He apparently also got word-usage and pronunciation from his dad.  He used phrases like, “Blacker’n Toby’s ass.”  I never learned who the unfortunate “Toby” was, or why (perhaps only) his ass was black.  Santa Claus came down his chimbley.  A large, striped feline was a tagger.  Farm birds that produced eggs, were chookens, and a dropped football was a thumble.  No-one else in his family – in the town – talked this way.

Already encumbered with a racist sobriquet, he regularly dropped another one in particular.  My neighbor wanted me to shovel his driveway, but he only wanted to pay me a

MEASLY

fifty cents, the heimy bastard.
Measly’ always seemed to indicate an itchy body-rash of raised, red pustules, but in fact means contemptibly small, meager, or slight: wretchedly bad or unsatisfactory:

On the other hand, heimy – or heimey – or jaime, was a racist slur against Jews, and their perceived cheapness and lack of willingness to spend money.  Unconscious bigotry like this may have contributed to Canada’s refusal to accept German-Jew refugees.

I haven’t heard/read the term heimy in decades.  Nor have I heard anyone speak of Jewing someone  down, to get a better price.  Hopefully, we’re growing out of that prejudice.  How about you?  Have you ever run into it?  Lately??  😳