Tag Archives: protection

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Southern Comfort Comedy

I admit, I’ve got a bit of a lead-foot.  I was driving through Georgia on vacation, when I got pulled over by a State trooper.  I decided to try some fake innocence, to see if I could get away with it.  When the officer approached my car, I said, “I’ve never been pulled over like this.”  He just stared at me and said, “What do they usually do??  Just shoot out the tires?”

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My doctor’s receptionist commented that she hadn’t taken her morning vitamins, and was walking around unprotected.
I replied that I hadn’t taken my Prozac, and that everybody was walking around unprotected.

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The wife and I were watching a TV show about long-married couples.  I asked, “If you had to do it over again, would you marry me?”  She said, “You’ve asked me that before.”  “So, what was your answer?”  She replied, “I don’t remember.”

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The knit cap my friend sent me from England was a bit small.  But it was lovely, so I wore it to church on Sunday.  Afterward I emailed her to say how nice it looked on me.  She shot me back a text, saying how glad she was. ”Especially,” she wrote, “as it’s a tea cozy.”

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My grandson and his pregnant wife were checking into a new birth facility that was more like a spa.  The birthing room had a hot tub, soft music, and candlelight.
“What do you think?” she asked.
He looked around and replied, “Isn’t this how we got here in the first place?”

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A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.  They are appalled with his tattoos and piercings.  Later, her Mother says, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”
“Oh please Mother,” the girl replies.  “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”

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A marine biologist was telling some of his friends about his latest research findings.  “Some whales are capable of communicating at a distance of 300 miles.”
A sarcastic friend asked, “What the Hell would one whale have to say to another whale, 300 miles away?”
“I’m not absolutely certain” the expert replied, “but it sounds a lot like Can you hear me now?”

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What should I do? yelled the panicked customer to the veterinary receptionist.  My dog ate two bags of unpopped popcorn.  Clearly not as alarmed as the worried pet owner, she replied, “The first thing I’d do, is keep him out of the sun.

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An orangutan at the zoo has two books – The Bible, and Darwin’s Origin of Species.  He’s trying to find out if he’s his brother’s keeper, or his keeper’s brother.

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I See – But I Don’t See

People see what they expect to see.  They see what they want to see.  It is far easier to fool someone, than to convince them that they have been fooled.

I recently watched YouTube video from a civil rights auditor, simply trying to spread the message of God Bless The Homeless Veterans, hand-printed on a cardboard sign.  It began with a screen shot of a police incident report, and had the audio of the phone call that caused it.

Hi.  I just dropped my son off at school, and I’m worried for him.  There’s a homeless bum, panhandling on school property.  He’s yelling at the students and he won’t leave.

Every one of those claims is absolutely false!

First the school security officer came out and tried to bully him to move on, (Y’all can’t do that here.) but was told that he was on public property, (the sidewalk) indulging in a Constitutionally-protected activity, and that the cammer was going to stay for a while.
If you don’t leave, I’m going to call the cops.
Do what you gotta do.

Sure enough, within minutes, a police officer showed up and began the bullying and misinformed harassment again.
You can’t be panhandling.  We have a city ordinance against panhandling.
I am not panhandling.  I have never asked for money.
Well, you were yelling at the students, causing a disturbance.
I didn’t yell at anybody.  I never raised my voice.
I’m trespassing you from school property, because you refused to leave when asked.
I have never been on school property.  I have video proof of that.  I was never asked to leave.
We have had several phone calls, saying that you did.  WHY WOULD THEY LIE?

Several??!  We know of only one phone call.  Why would the officer lie?  Because he believed it.  Even if there were more than the one call – the callers weren’t lying.  They were mistaken – although, perhaps not honestly.

What they saw….  A man they didn’t recognize, with no car, no kid to drop off, and a camera – therefore a danger.  Wearing shorts and a hoodie,– not dressed in white collar, not dressed in blue collar, and  sticking around – therefore, no job to go to, no income, broke, homeless, a bum, and panhandling.  He obviously wouldn’t politely remain on the sidewalk.  He would try to follow the kids into the school, to get money from the students, and when they refused, he would get loud, and possibly violent.

I don’t fault the parents for their concern for their children.  I do blame police officers like this one who arrive with their minds already made up, blindly believing what someone has claimed, ignoring ‘Innocent until shown guilty,‘  refusing to look at evidence or accept suspects’ explanations.

One of the main intentions of Civil Right auditors is to educate the public, especially policemen, and demonstrate Everyone’s legal rights, and how easy it is to lose them.  Anyone who gives up freedom for security, winds up with neither.  Far too many police don’t want the laws of the country obeyed; they just want peace and quiet, and are willing and eager to flex their unlawful power and authority to achieve it.

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Driven To One-Liners

My biggest fear with self-driving cars is….
…. if I died on my way to work, the car would still deliver me there.

My barber asked me how I wanted my hair cut….
….I told him, “In silence!”

Life is like a box of chocolates….
….It doesn’t last long if you’re fat.

Fake quotes will ruin the internet….
….Benjamin Franklin

I’m inconsistent….
….but not all the time.

If I had known the difference between the words antidote, and anecdote….
….one of my best friends would still be alive.

The guy who stole my diary just died….
….My thoughts are with his family.

Today’s Yoga pose….
….is Downward Spiral.

Perfect parents exist….
….They just don’t have kids yet.

Why do the French eat snails?….
….They don’t like fast food

All of my passwords are protected….
….by amnesia.

I’m not eye candy….
….More like eye broccoli.

I expect nothing from life….
….and I’m still let down.

I see you have some graph paper….
….You must be plotting something.

I just got kicked out of mime school….
….Must have been something I said.

A mistress is….
….something between a mister and a mattress.

If all is not lost….
….then where the heck is it?

Beer….
….The cure for what ales you!

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Familiar Fibbing Friday

These might sound familiar, but Pensitivity101 wants to know how would you explain them?

  1. What is Free Will?

    That’s where I receive the entire inheritance, because the court can’t locate my dodgy brother. Could be Witness Protection…. Could be avoiding angry husbands….  Could be identity theft.

2. What is persona non grata?

If you receive an invitation to a wedding and reception, unless it is addressed to Mr. & Mrs. Schlemiel, or Mr. Schlemiel +1, do not bring along your current blow-jobber  bed-warmer!  He/she/it/they are not included in the seating plan.

3. What is bog standard?

That is the British equivalent to the American, ‘close enough for Government work.’  Also, to the Engineers motto – Force To Fit – File To Hide – Paint To Cover.

4. What is builder’s tea?

That’s the 10 AM break at the construction site for a hot cuppa.

5. What is a couch potato?

Sadly, any one of far too many members of the current Electronic Generation.  They are evolving to have light blue skin because they get their tans from the screens of half a dozen glowing devices.  Soon, they will be known as mouse potatoes – or guinea pig-potatoes, for those whose little peripheral is wireless.

6. What is a finger in every pie?

The little math nerd from Accounts Receivable, who we don’t even invite to the weekly office meeting, but who shows up anyway, like a Dominos delivery driver, with a dozen charts that look like pizzas.
Bar graphs, Rolanda!!  Bar graphs!!  They’re much easier to read and understand.

7. What is meant by nip in the bud?

‘Nip in the bud??!’  I thought it was ‘Nip in the Butt!’  No wonder I got fired for sexual harassment – and I had just learned that harass was one word.

8. What is to pitch in?

That’s a cricket term which means that a large portion of the viewers have stopped watching the game, and moved on to something far more exciting…. Like watching the grass grow.

9. What is rule of thumb?

That is how the wife micromanages, and runs my life.  She used to just have me under her little finger…. But then I gained weight.  😮

10. What is to steal someone’s thunder?

That is the culmination of a game played by ten-year-old boys of all ages, involving passing gas.  The winner is not the loudest, or the longest – but the one who can clear the room, or at least have the rest coughing and waving.  Extra points if the drapes change colour.

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Food For Fibbing Friday

Last week, Pensitivity101 wanted to know if we were hungry. Maybe not for our suggestions as to what these are!

  1. Cock-a-leekie

That’s a medical problem that many old guys like me suffer from.  It’s the price we have to pay to get older.  Many older women also suffer a related problem.  There are pads, and special underwear to sop up the overflow, but can you really trust a personal protection product named…. Depends??

2. Baked Alaska

The sun does not set in most of Alaska for six months in the summer.  Does that mean that you guys don’t sleep for six months??  🙄  Yes, it’s why Sarah Palin thought that she could see Russia from her front door – sleep deprivation.  Throw in Global Warming, and lots of sunny days, and some restaurants are offering a new organic specialty – toasted muskeg.

3. Toad in the hole

That’s the term of love and respect that my Redneck Karen neighbour uses for me.  Y’all don’t go nowhere, er do nothin’  Youse is just an old toad in the hole.  Which is still better than the term commonly used for her and her inbred brood – “Known to Police!”

4. Boeuf Bourguignon

He was a French actor wrestler, who appeared in the ring about the same time as Hulk Hogan and The Rock.

5. Quiche Lorraine

I thought you were referring to Quickie Lorraine, the hooker who works near the train station.

6. Chicken Chasseur

He’s the guy who is forever pursuing that poor bird, demanding to know why it crossed the road.

7. Creole Succotash

At last, I know the first name of the poor guy that Sylvester the Cat claims is always ‘Sufferin.’

8. Pan di Rosmarino

It’s a big pot of spaghetti Bolognese, that ex-quarterback Dan Marino’s wife, Rosa cooks up for family dinners.

9. Instant Whip

It’s the name of a well-known Dominatrix Den downtown.  But guys, if you want to be debased and controlled, just get married.

10. Loukoumades

It’s a slightly slurred warning from an Australian bloke.  It’s equivalent to the American expression, “Hold my beer, and watch this.”

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Nothing In Prompticular

Just a little throwaway post from a day when I couldn’t convince the hamster in my head to get the wheel turning.

What language sounds the best?

Well, it won’t be any of the Asian languages.  The yin-yang, sing-song speakers of those, all sound like geese, or like they’ve all had COVID, or like geese that have had COVID.  African languages sound like they haven’t discovered vowels and consonants yet – just a bunch of boops and glottals, and clicks.  R2-D2 might be Kenyan.

With all its multiple modifying word-endings, Spanish sounds like you’re being attacked with a verbal sub-machinegun – great, if you’ve got all day to wait for it.  Latin is for medicine.  Italian is for lovers. German is for training dogs.  The Queen’s English is for pomp and circumstance.  Arabic is for phlegm.  Speakers sound as if they’re having an allergic reaction to dairy products…..CKHACKK!  😯

French is the language of diplomacy.  Of course, that just means that French speakers can ramble on for days – weeks – months – years, without ever actually saying anything.  French has some foolish constructions…. but the SOUND of it.  Oooooh!!!  If you doubt me, click to hear the Matrix Merovingian Curse.

What best describes your lifestyle – Sneakers, Dress Shoes, or Sandals?

None of the above.
My sneakers days are far behind me – and I called them ‘running shoes.’  The best I can accomplish now is a fast shuffle.  When I say that I’m approaching 75, I mean years of age, not miles per hour.  I’ve never been rich enough to be pretentious.  Even when I worked in an office, my footwear was clean and functional, but hardly worth calling ‘dress shoes.’

I may not do what I do on my feet at any great speed, but I feel I need something on them to protect and support.  Wearing sandals is just asking for foot injuries – and barely suppressed snickering and pointing.

I’d like a write-in vote – for boots.  As I explained in my Suave – Sophisticated post, I’ve worn good, solid, round-toed boots whenever socially allowable, for over half a century.  I’ll die with my boots on, and be buried in Boot Hill.

If your life were a book, what would the title be?

While I am reasonably intelligent, my social skills are somewhat lacking.  The Pink Panther, or Johnny English could star in my “Sophisticated” post, but I wouldn’t even get a speaking part.  If my life were a book, the title would probably be Dummies, For Dummies – and someone would have to explain it to me.

Oops!  It’s already out.  Can someone explain to me, why it’s already in print??  Did somebody see me coming…. AGAIN??!  😯   🙄

Fortunately for you, that’s all I have to say on these subjects.  There’ll be another Masochists Anonymous meeting here in a couple of days.  Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me.

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Flash Fiction #219

High

PHOTO PROMPT © Dawn Miller

IT’S HIGH TIME

So, Canada had legalized marijuana, and he had wound up getting a job with one of the legal grow-ops after graduating from Agricultural College. Given the ‘entertainment’ habits of some of his dorm-mates, it was a surprise that it was him, rather than one of the 4:20 cadre.

He was pleased with the safety equipment his employer provided – gloves, coveralls, respirator masks. His hometown had once been the center of a tobacco-growing area. Each year there had been at least one case of death from nicotine poisoning. Here, about the worst thing that happened, was a nice contact high buzz.

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Go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.

friday-fictioneers-badge-web

It’s a good thing that I went back to proof-read one more time. Spell-Check didn’t catch that I had titled this “Flesh” Fiction. That’s a whole different genre!   😳 🙄

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’19 A To Z Challenge – L

AtoZ2019letter-l

 

 

 

 

 

 

Superstition

And superstition rears its ugly head again. Closed-minded tribalism makes too many of humanity fear anything different. Destroy it! Destroy it! It is the Devil’s work! 😯

This post takes for its theme, the word

LANUGO

Noun; a coat of delicate, downy hairs, especially that with which the human fetus or a newborn infant is covered.

A few times (far too few), Bible-thumping Christian Fundamentalists have changed their minds about LGBT+, when they realized that their child was gay, but not evil and sinful. One Southern Methodist preacher had three of his four children (two sons, and his daughter) go gay on him.

It is regrettable that extreme cases of lanugos are not more common. It might educate the evolution-denying, Young Earth Creationists, to have a baby that looked like a Bonobo pop out. It would clearly show that we are related to monkeys – although the monkeys might object.

Lanugo

While the occasional baby has a thick enough coat of fur to look like a chimp, it falls off within days, or a week, leaving a pink, squalling, naked ape. While not afflicted with an actual lanugo, my son’s enate Italian heritage gave him considerable heavy body hair at birth – arms, legs, shoulders, back. He looked like a miniature, stereotypical Guido. He had a full head of black hair the day he was born. Old wives’ tales say that it causes the mother heartburn. He got his first haircut at age three months.

I’m not sure, even in today’s society, what reaction a lanugo baby might receive from narrow-minded ‘Good Christian’ parents. Another similar religiously-connected word is

Caul

Noun; a part of the amnion sometimes covering the head of a child at birth.

It’s merely a bit of internal tissue, but superstitious peasants used to believe that it was a sign that the baby was owned or possessed by Satan. Such children were strangled, smothered, drowned, or stabbed at birth, or even worse, exposed to the elements to die, like the Athenians used to do.

The Christian portion of the world is getting better – moving forward into the discoveries of how the Universe works, but the Evangelicals don’t understand why large portions of the population – Good Christians, as well as Atheists – want to maintain separation of Church and State, and prevent being dragged back into the Dark Ages of superstition.

Now, if only we could get the Islamic portion to do the same.

Sorry if this was a bit of a downer. Comedy next Monday – bring your biggest smile.

Laughing Face

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‘18 A To Z Challenge – C

Challenge '18 Letter C

Druid

My Scottish ancestors were doing just fine, until the Christians came along with fire and sword.

Caim – (n.) Sanctuary. An invisible circle of protection drawn around the body with the hand, to remind one of being safe and loved even in the darkest times.  The index finger of the right hand was to be extended and pointed at the ground to do this.  It was to be drawn clockwise, as God has made the sun and moon rise and set.

The Irish and my Scottish Celtic ancestors lived a naturalistic existence, close to the earth, the plants and the wildlife.  Then along came the Christians.  They would have none of this mystical hand-waving.  They wanted their own brand of mystical hand-waving.

First, the spelling and pronunciation was slurred to ‘Cain.’  In their mythology, Cain was the first murderer, and an evil person, a servant of Satan.  No-one was allowed to be saved or protected by such an evil spirit.  Union rules said that all such work went to Jesus.  The word ‘Caim’ still exists in the Scottish language, but it now describes a Christian prayer for protection.

The Celts were already well aware of the motions of the sun and the moon, but the Christian ‘God’ even creeps into the historical definition, by making them do so.  I noted that the definition is Northern-centric.  In the Northern hemisphere, the apparent movements of the sun and moon are clockwise, from left to right.

When this word was born, the Christians had not yet invaded the Southern Hemisphere, where the counter-clockwise, widdershins, motion of the Heavenly bodies was obvious, and correct.  I wonder what the Christians would think of that??  (Oops, I used the words ‘think’ and ‘Christian’ in the same sentence.)  😯

Click here http://branawen.blogspot.ca/2011/09/celtic-symbolism-casting-ring-of.html caim, if you’d like to have a look at the research for this.

I’ll have a little bit of lighter humor in a week.  Hope to see you there.

 

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11/11 Remember!

With the exception of a little explanation here at the top, and some added notes at the bottom, this will be a republication of last year’s November 11th post. I may not have said it the best that it can be said, but I’ve said it as well as I can say it.

remembrance

No matter what you call it, this is a little reminder that tomorrow is Remembrance/Veterans Day. Take two minutes at 11:00 AM to stand quietly and remember, respect and honor those in the Armed Services, past and present, who have given so much, so that we can have peace and security.

Take some time tomorrow – Hell, take all day if you want, and take a bit of time any other day, whenever it’s possible – to shake the hand of a veteran, or current Serviceman. Smile, and say, “Thanks!”

Canadian Flag

veterans

Times, and social situations change. Wars are no longer only fought by going to the other guy’s country and shooting him, or just blowing up his shit till he stops being an asshole.  In addition to the Vets and current Armed Services personnel, mentioned above, we should also remember to thank and think of (because of the job they do, and the way they must do it, they’re invisible, but invaluable) Intelligence and Internal Security Officers, as well as the folks building SkyNet, who feed info to them, so that they can keep us safe from gas attacks, poison and biological assaults.  They also prevent attacks and loss of service to our increasingly technologically-dependent Internet lifestyle, with their Ninja-like handling of all those little 1s and 0s.

poppy-flower-red-remembrence-day-artificial