Tag Archives: drunk

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Fibbing Friday #278

Last week Pensitivity101 asked, How’s your history and general knowledge? (I’m old enough to have lived through most of it, so you may see the occasional reference to Plato, or Julius Caesar)

1. Which Monarch famously said ‘I know I have the body of a weak and feeble woman, but I have the heart and stomach of a king?’

Queen Latifah

2. What is the rarest blood type in humans?

Canadian blood – we’re Eh-positive

3. Who wrote the novel Brave New World?

Elon Musk!  It was going to be the tale of using SpaceX to terraform and colonize Mars, but it became a how-to manual about surviving the last Trump.

4. Which famous composer was deaf for much of his later life?

Eric Clapton – in the beginning, his group played so loud that the Cream clotted.

5. What was the name of Rick’s nightclub in the movie Casablanca?

In honor of a broken knee that he got while on a drunken bender, he called it the Gin Joint.

6. What is the world’s largest species of penguin?

The one in the Batman movies

7. Who was the first female Prime Minister of the UK?

Lloyd George’s grandsomething – Boy George

8. Which painter cut off part of his own ear?

The contractor who was renovating the Roman coliseum.  He heard Marc Antony say “Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears,” and he wanted to Make Rome Great Again.

9. What is the most widely spoken language in the world by number of native speakers?

Profanity

10. Who were the Axis Powers of WW2?

Argentina and Uruguay  A lot of Germans who would have been considered war criminals, quietly spun out of sight in Europe, and rotated across the Atlantic, to become preferential citizens of these countries – because they preferred to bring gold with them.

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In The Mood For One-Liners

I’m not saying that my wife is moody, but….
….she could start a fight in an empty house.

When she speaks….
….you never run out of things to listen to.

I sabotaged an origami contest….
….The judges are waiting to see what unfolds.

Being Canadian is never having to apologize….
….for saying you’re sorry.

If you don’t take the time to pack your parachute properly….
….you’re jumping to a hasty conclusion.

The entire world sucks….
….If it didn’t, we’d all fall off….
….People don’t understand the gravity of the situation.

Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist: While you guys were arguing….
….over the glass of water, I drank it, The Opportunist.

I contracted mood poisoning….
….must be something I hate.

The Bible verse I love….
….Lunch: 11:30

What exercise program do you use to get The Body of Christ?….
….CrossFit.  Nailed it!

My deaf wife was talking in her sleep last night….
….Nearly took my eye out.

I told myself that I should stop drinking….
….but I’m not going to listen to some drunk who talks to himself.

I went to the worst faith healer ever yesterday….
….He was so bad, some guy in a wheelchair got up and walked out.

My dermatologist friend….
….started his career from scratch.

I got kicked out of the Peripheral Vision Club….
….I didn’t see that coming.

Why did the Vegan cross the road?….
….To tell someone that he was a Vegan.

Google Translate – Thoughts and prayers….
….= I don’t give a fuck.

My new year’s resolution is to read more….
…. So, I’ve permanently turned on the TV subtitles.

Ideas for getting more exercise this year….
….Move the cookies.  Buy a heavier kettle.

Fold your worries into paper airplanes….
….Turn them into flying fucks.

I went to a costume party at a bar, dressed as a tennis ball….
….I got served.

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Food For Fibbing Friday

Last week, Pensitivity101 wanted to know if we were hungry. Maybe not for our suggestions as to what these are!

  1. Cock-a-leekie

That’s a medical problem that many old guys like me suffer from.  It’s the price we have to pay to get older.  Many older women also suffer a related problem.  There are pads, and special underwear to sop up the overflow, but can you really trust a personal protection product named…. Depends??

2. Baked Alaska

The sun does not set in most of Alaska for six months in the summer.  Does that mean that you guys don’t sleep for six months??  🙄  Yes, it’s why Sarah Palin thought that she could see Russia from her front door – sleep deprivation.  Throw in Global Warming, and lots of sunny days, and some restaurants are offering a new organic specialty – toasted muskeg.

3. Toad in the hole

That’s the term of love and respect that my Redneck Karen neighbour uses for me.  Y’all don’t go nowhere, er do nothin’  Youse is just an old toad in the hole.  Which is still better than the term commonly used for her and her inbred brood – “Known to Police!”

4. Boeuf Bourguignon

He was a French actor wrestler, who appeared in the ring about the same time as Hulk Hogan and The Rock.

5. Quiche Lorraine

I thought you were referring to Quickie Lorraine, the hooker who works near the train station.

6. Chicken Chasseur

He’s the guy who is forever pursuing that poor bird, demanding to know why it crossed the road.

7. Creole Succotash

At last, I know the first name of the poor guy that Sylvester the Cat claims is always ‘Sufferin.’

8. Pan di Rosmarino

It’s a big pot of spaghetti Bolognese, that ex-quarterback Dan Marino’s wife, Rosa cooks up for family dinners.

9. Instant Whip

It’s the name of a well-known Dominatrix Den downtown.  But guys, if you want to be debased and controlled, just get married.

10. Loukoumades

It’s a slightly slurred warning from an Australian bloke.  It’s equivalent to the American expression, “Hold my beer, and watch this.”

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’23 A To Z Challenge – D

Don’t be a horse’s ass!  Use some horse sense.  Someone once decried steam locomotive trains, saying that travelling more than 40 MPH would drive people insane.  Sorry!!  They came in that way.

The 20th Century and the 21st have been a period of great, rapid, technological advancement and development.  Some people are able to keep with part, or all of it, better than others.  Bigots sometimes denigrate middle-Easterners, by calling them camel-riders.  That sometimes is a good idea – the camel-riding, not the name-calling.

A scientific expedition to research a geographic anomaly in the Sahara, hired a Bedouin guide who was reputed to know the desert well.  They loaded him in one of their jeeps, and tore off into the sand.  After a day of driving they stopped, and asked him where they were, and where their destination was.  He had no idea!!  He knew the desert by how long it took to get to any part of it, by camel.

Trafficking in stupidity!

There are waaayyyy too many car drivers who should be restricted to horse-drawn carts, pulled by

DOBBIN

a horse, especially a quiet, plodding horse for farm work or family use.

A horse would be smarter than many drivers.  I don’t drive much anymore, but I DO watch some “Idiots in Cars” YouTube videos.  A horse would get out of the way of a lot of these accidents.  I’ve bitched that some people don’t drive past the hood of their car.  The worst of them don’t drive past the end of their nose.  These are the ones who should take a bus, a cab, or an Uber.

Oh, the road lanes separate ahead, and there’s a concrete divider with buttress at the end.
I’ll just keep driving right into it.
I’m going so slow, that someone is making a left-turn in front of me.
I won’t bother to swerve to avert a collision, or put on the brakes.  I’ll just drive slowly right into them.

A small rancher in Wyoming rode his horse several miles into what passed for a small town one evening.  He hitched Lightning outside a roadhouse bar, and went in and got snozzled.  At closing time he managed to clamber back into the saddle, smacked the horse on the rump, ordered Home, and slumped over the saddle-horn.

Lightning was happy to head back home, where there was food, and water, and other horses, so off he trotted.  Just outside town, an ambitious, officious State Trooper pulled the pair over, and charged the rancher with drunk driving.  Sometimes it’s just best to pay the damned fine.  Sometimes it ain’t.

He went to court, and argued to the judge that his horse was not a motor-vehicle as defined by law.  Also, in his condition, he was not in care and control of his autonomous transport.  The judge agreed, and dismissed the charge, saying that he felt the horse was the smartest of the three.

Saddle up and ride back on Friday, to meet Lyin’ Brian, my evil Fibbing Friday twin.  😉

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Flash Fiction #276

 

PHOTO PROMPT © Anne Higa

IN VINO VERTIGO

Try some tequila they said.  Experience something new.  Waking up on a couch, not knowing who owned it, or where I am, was new.  I had to put a hand on the floor, to stop the room whirling around.  That water-tower outside the window better settle down, too, because I don’t know where the bathroom is.

At the Miracle of Fatima, several people said they experienced visions, and the sun moved around in the sky.  I can believe it.  Didn’t that happen in Mexico, where tequila is king?  I have a vision of Coors Lite for me, from now on.

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If you’d like to join the Friday Fictioneers fun, go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.

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Flash Fiction #267

PHOTO PROMPT © Jennifer Pendergast

WHY IS A MOUSE WHEN IT SPINS?

Please ensure mind is in motion before engaging mouth.

I’m tryin’ to think, but nuthin’s happenin’!

Did I actually have my shit together in my youth, and only now is it coming unravelled quicker than a knitted sock the cat found?

Or was I always this spun, and I have just finally achieved clarity?

Old age is like waking from an epic drunk, on someone else’s couch.  It takes at least an hour for reality to come into sharp focus.

Do not operate heavy any equipment while under the influence.  Squirrel-brain is normal.  Afternoon naps are a proven effective treatment.

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Go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.

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Flash Fiction #242

PHOTO PROMPT © Sandra Crook

SOMETHING’S FISHY

Fish – The only animal that grows to twice its size, between being caught, and being described.

Give a man a fish, and he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and he’ll sit in a boat all day and throw beer cans in the lake.

A Scottish fisherman was on his way home after a disappointing day, where he’d had, perhaps, a few wee shots of antifreeze.  Spotting a scarecrow in a field, he shouted, “Yerr a damned liar!”

Tranquility is knowing the difference between ‘fishing,’ and ‘catching.’

Think there’s something fishy about today’s philosophy episode??  Me too!

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Wanna join the fun??  Go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.

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Flash Fiction #239

PHOTO PROMPT © J Hardy Carroll

THE MISTAKES OF OTHERS

He tried to raise his head from the floor, but someone had turned the gravity up.  He’d just lie here and ask Whatzizname, the jock, for assistance.  Whatzizname??!  What was his name?  This was silly.  He just got a bank statement….  Happy birthday to you.  Happy birthday to you.  Happy birthday dear…. Jerry.  Yeah, that was it – Jerry.

He vaguely recalled a frat-party that included beer-pong and tequila shooters.  He also remembered some nice man…. Dad – telling him to concentrate on his university studies, and not attend such bashes.  Right, Dad – when the bleeding in his eyes cleared up.

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Join the fun.  Go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.

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I credit 1950s/60s comedian, Shelly Berman with the inspiration for this cautionary tale.  Click here if you’d like to hear some classic comedy about The Morning After The Night Before.

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Young Love Gone Wrong

Jailbird

For 20 years, they were deliriously happy…. Then they met.
Nostalgia ain’t what it used to be.     😳

Once upon a time, I lost a girlfriend. It wasn’t a century ago, but it was well back in the last century.

When I graduated high school, I moved 100 miles away to take my first job. It wasn’t long before it was apparent – at least to me – that the long-distance romance wasn’t going to work. Jeff Foxworthy speaks of, “If she hasn’t yet saddled up and ridden a new horse, she’s at least pulled one from the barn, and put a bridle on him.” My friends never mentioned that to me. I broke it off – by letter – just before Christmas. She wasn’t lonely for long.

I had just turned 19. Her new beau was almost 21. He had a job as a mechanic. He made more money than I did. He had a car. She traded up – or did she??! The new fella was the kind described as ‘known to police.’ She had a 16-year-old younger brother. By Valentine’s Day, he had sold the kid a switchblade knife – probably a $3/$4 piece of junk, that he charged $5 for.

The home was ruled by a nasty, judgmental mother, only one reason I decided to call it quits. All 6 of the children were a bit sharp – or brittle – especially this youngest, with something to prove. He couldn’t attract a girlfriend, but wanted to go to the high school’s big Easter Dance.

Since he didn’t have a partner, he asked the new boyfriend if he could provide a little liquid courage. Back then, you had to be 21 to purchase alcohol, but he knew a fellow, and provided a Mickey (13 Oz.) of lemon gin. The kid spiked his own punch at the party, and was soon roaring drunk – yelling and swearing, and pawing girls.

The science teacher, the male chaperone, approached him, and told him that he must leave. This was his first drinking experience. He didn’t know how to act. He loudly insisted that he would not leave. The teacher reached to take his arm or shoulder, to escort him out…. and he pulled the switchblade!

If he had just left, everything would have quietly disappeared. Now they had to call the cops! He wasn’t arrested, but they confiscated the knife, and called his parents to pick him up. The policeman asked him where he’d got the knife, and the liquor. Too immature to keep his mouth shut, he quickly named the new boyfriend.

The next day, they pulled him over. With probable cause, they searched the car, found an unopened case of beer in the trunk, and charged him with underage possession.

Our town was a ‘County Town,’ not the county capital. That was 30 miles away. We got a circuit judge, and every Wednesday was court day. Nicknamed the Hangin’ Judge, he had seen the evils of Demon Rum, and had a hatred for alcohol. This was Carrie Nation’s husband.

I don’t know whether he came to hate booze before, or because, he became a judge. The latter was quite possible, with all the drunken tourists, and drunken Indians from the nearby reservation.

The boyfriend pled guilty, and the misdemeanor penalty was a fine, and a criminal record. The judge wanted to get higher up this bootlegging ladder, and demanded to know where he had got the beer. “I found it in a ditch.” “Well, I hope you found a month down there with it, ‘cause you’re going to do 30 days in the county slammer.”

He’d kept quiet about his supplier, but, even sober, he just couldn’t keep his mouth shut. “Hell, I can do 30 days, standin’ on my head.” “That’s contempt of court. Here’s another 30 days, to get you back on your feet.” Suddenly that Archon boy was looking real good – but I was long gone.

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Flash Fiction #216

Foorward and Back

It’s The Booze Talkin’

Thanx for driving me home, buddy. I appears to be a little tipsy.

Yer the designated driver, an’ I’m the designated drunk.

It’s déjà vu all over again.

Haven’t we been down this street before?

Did you know that a goldfish has a three second attention span?

Did I mention that it’s déjà vu all over again?

I was gonna go home, but I changed my mind an’ turned around ‘cuz I met Bruce Springsteen at the bar. He was walkin’ in, when I was walkin’ out.

Our Glory Days of boozin’ are over, ‘cuz it makes us talk stoopid.

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Go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.

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