Tag Archives: marriage

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What An Ordinary Atheist Looks Like

(Spoiler alert – It’s Boring)

If your mental picture of an atheist includes anger, black clothing, constant arguments, or a bookshelf organized alphabetically by anti-religious authors, I’m about to disappoint you.

An ordinary atheist looks like… me. And I am painfully average.

I don’t wake up every morning celebrating the absence of God. There’s no ritual. No moment of smug reflection. I don’t stand at the window whispering, “Still no gods today.” I mostly wake up thinking about orange juice , knees that creak more than they used to, and whatever appointment I forgot to put on the calendar.

I’m married. Have been for a long time. My marriage didn’t require divine oversight to function, just patience, compromise, humor, and the occasional strategic silence. We didn’t need shared belief—just shared values and a willingness to grow up when it mattered.

I have a son. He’s grown now, functional, kind, and not secretly plotting the downfall of civilization despite being raised without religious instruction. Turns out teaching empathy, accountability, and curiosity works just fine without invoking eternal consequences.

I care about people. I care about fairness. I care about not being a jerk when no one’s watching—which, inconveniently, turns out to matter even without cosmic surveillance. Morality didn’t disappear when belief did; it just stopped outsourcing responsibility.

I don’t have all the answers. That’s not a bug—it’s the feature. I’m comfortable saying “I don’t know” without rushing to fill the silence with certainty. Mystery didn’t vanish when belief left; it just stopped pretending to be solved.

And no, I’m not angry at God. That would require believing there is one. I’m occasionally frustrated with how belief is used—to control, to silence, to oversimplify—but that’s a human problem, not a supernatural one.

Being an atheist didn’t turn me into something exotic or dangerous. It made me quieter. More cautious with claims. More appreciative of time. More aware that this life—messy, finite, unrepeatable—isn’t a rehearsal.

So if you’re looking for outrage, you won’t find it here.

If you’re looking for certainty, I can’t offer that either.

But if you’re curious what a normal, peaceful, belief-free life actually looks like—welcome. This is it.

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I could have written this myself – if I had a smidgen more ability.  Instead, I stole researched it wholesale from What an Ordinary Atheist Looks Like ‹ No Santa to No Gods ‹ Reader — WordPress.com

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Stolen One-Liners

 

I have kleptomania….
….When it gets bad, I take something for it.

I gotta teach my facial expressions….
….how to use their indoor voice.

After over 50 years of marriage, the wife and I still find things to talk about….
….just not to each other, obviously.

I have an aviation joke….
….but it would probably go over your head.

Four out of three people….
….struggle with math.

It’s all shits and giggles….
….till someone giggles and shits.

Black cats don’t cause bad luck….
….Your life was already shit.

I used to think drinking was bad for me….
….so I gave up – thinking.

Dear Santa, before I explain….
….how much do you know already??

Due to a recent coin shortage….
….no-one is allowed to put in their two cents worth.

The less people know….
….the longer the explanation.

Many people stop looking for work….
….when they find a job.

If you think that marriage is 50/50….
….you don’t know the half of it.

Weed, beer, and whiskey are all made from plants….
….I think I might be a vegetarian.

Knock, knock.  Who’s there?….
….Doorbell repairman.

If people make you sick….
….maybe you should cook them longer.

I’ve taken up pottery in retirement….
….Just kiln time.

The “Earth” without “Art”….
….is just “Eh.”

Do electricians listen to AC/DC….
….or something more current?

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Childish Humor

After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers.  “I’m busy,” he said, “I’ll do the next one.”  The next time came around and she asked again.  The husband looked puzzled, “Oh! I didn’t mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!”

***

A woman walked out of the bank and suddenly realized she didn’t have her car keys.
She rushed back inside, searched her purse, and gasped:
“Oh no—I must have left the keys in the car!”
Running to the parking lot, she froze. The car was gone.
Panicked, she called the police, reported the car stolen, and even gave them the license plate number.
Then came the hardest call of her life… to her husband.
Stammering, she said, “Honey, the car’s been stolen. I left the keys inside!”

Her husband thundered: “Are you kidding me? I DROPPED you off at the bank—you didn’t even take the car!”  The woman sighed in relief, “Thank God!”  Then she asked, “Can you come pick me up?”
Her husband replied: “Gladly… just as soon as I convince the police I didn’t steal our own car!”

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My wife sent me a sweet text that read,
“If you’re sleeping, send me your dreams.”
“If you’re laughing, send me your smile.”
“If you’re crying, send me your tears. I love you!”

I replied, “I’m on the toilet, please advise.”

***

Dispatcher: “911, what’s your emergency?”

Caller: “Yeah, um, my wife got badly attacked by a warthog, and I need someone to come up with an ambulance to come pick her up”.

Dispatcher: “Ok, sir, can you give me your address?”

Caller: Yeah, we’re at 1825 Eucalyptus Drive.”

Dispatcher: “Ok, could you spell that for me, sir?”

After a slight pause.

Caller: “Erm, I’m going to drag her over to Oak Street, and you can pick her up there.”

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Fibbing Friday #305

Last week Pensitivity101 wanted our thoughts on these!

1. Borg

It was an artificial, sheepskin-like, insulating fabric in Clarissa’s jacket, in The Silence of the Lambs movie.

2. Caught in 4k

I told the neighbor to leave his cell phone, and its GPS app, at the office, if he was gonna visit his side-chick, but tell his wife he was working late.

3. Cheese Pull

Did the bloody Brits invent a new term to describe wanking??

4. Cheugy

This is the Czech name for a filled doughnut that the Poles call a paczki – a word that simply means “package.”  Especially popular before Easter, the local Polish market includes some with a rose-flavored cream center.  Anybody want to try some?  I’ll email them to you.

5. Chopped

These are our Guaranteed, Government, financial, retirement benefits, since the Provincial and Federal Governments have wasted $Billions on every boondoggle except a digital copy of the Epstein files.  The cat and dog have started a GoFundMe campaign, to help ensure their kibble.

6. Chuzz

This is the new Woke language style, that won’t call a spade, a spade – just an African-American, even if they live in Belgium.  He was shot nine times, and unalived.  I’ll bet that he was impressed with that.  It makes it sound like he was standing on queue, waiting for the stairway to Heaven.

7. Crash out

The son works a midnight shift.  He usually comes home and busies himself, making food, and reading, but…. there are some shifts where I come down to find him sprawled – often face-down – on the couch – dead to the world.  I have to wake him up, to go upstairs to sleep.  I sometimes wonder why there isn’t a chalk outline around him.

8. Blue-Pilled

Let’s see….was it the one that shrinks my enlarged prostate??  The one that increases blood-flow, to help it work….or was it the Magnesium supplement?? 😕  It could be arsenic and old Archon.  I gotta trust the wife.  She’s the one who fills my weekly pill dispenser.  I recently found her staring at our marriage license.  I think she’s looking for the expiry date – either the license, or me.

9. Fridge cigarette

Why is there a letter D in the word ‘fridge,’ but not in ‘refrigerator?’
If you had a look inside my fridge, you’d realize that there’s not enough room for it.
What were we talking about??  Fridge cigarettes??
Uh….frozen fish sticks??!  Not with that door standing open.  😳

10. Buns.

I have Buns of Steel, © ™ but not from exercising, or else the rest of my body wouldn’t look like Bib, The Michelin Man.  I got them from hours spent in the World’s most uncomfortable computer chair.  Before any of you suggest a better chair – this one is the only reason that I get any of my chores done.

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Sad Comedy

A sad man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey. “Why so down?” asks the bartender. The man replies, “I lost all my money, and half my friends deserted me when they found out.” “Well,” responds the bartender, “At least you have your other friends.” The sad man sighs and says, “No. They just haven’t found out about it yet.”

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A Gorgeous Young Woman Is Standing At The Bar Of A Pub

She goes up to the man standing behind the bar and she grabs him by his magnificent and long straggly beard which goes way down past his waist

And she whispers to him in a seductive tone ‘are you the landlord?’

He says ‘no no, sorry, I’m just the barman- the landlord isn’t here just now’

As he answers, she keeps grabbing his beard, stroking it all over; tugging on it gently with every word as she whispers to him ‘do you know when the landlord will be back?’

He says ‘ehhhh no I’m not sure at all, sorry’

And as she continues massaging his facial hair she says to him ‘okay… well when you see the landlord…. You can tell him… There’s no paper towels in the ladies bathroom’.

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Relationship Arithmetic:

Smart man + smart woman = romance.
Smart man + dumb woman = affair.
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage.
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy.

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Southern Comfort Comedy

I admit, I’ve got a bit of a lead-foot.  I was driving through Georgia on vacation, when I got pulled over by a State trooper.  I decided to try some fake innocence, to see if I could get away with it.  When the officer approached my car, I said, “I’ve never been pulled over like this.”  He just stared at me and said, “What do they usually do??  Just shoot out the tires?”

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My doctor’s receptionist commented that she hadn’t taken her morning vitamins, and was walking around unprotected.
I replied that I hadn’t taken my Prozac, and that everybody was walking around unprotected.

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The wife and I were watching a TV show about long-married couples.  I asked, “If you had to do it over again, would you marry me?”  She said, “You’ve asked me that before.”  “So, what was your answer?”  She replied, “I don’t remember.”

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The knit cap my friend sent me from England was a bit small.  But it was lovely, so I wore it to church on Sunday.  Afterward I emailed her to say how nice it looked on me.  She shot me back a text, saying how glad she was. ”Especially,” she wrote, “as it’s a tea cozy.”

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My grandson and his pregnant wife were checking into a new birth facility that was more like a spa.  The birthing room had a hot tub, soft music, and candlelight.
“What do you think?” she asked.
He looked around and replied, “Isn’t this how we got here in the first place?”

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A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.  They are appalled with his tattoos and piercings.  Later, her Mother says, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”
“Oh please Mother,” the girl replies.  “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”

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A marine biologist was telling some of his friends about his latest research findings.  “Some whales are capable of communicating at a distance of 300 miles.”
A sarcastic friend asked, “What the Hell would one whale have to say to another whale, 300 miles away?”
“I’m not absolutely certain” the expert replied, “but it sounds a lot like Can you hear me now?”

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What should I do? yelled the panicked customer to the veterinary receptionist.  My dog ate two bags of unpopped popcorn.  Clearly not as alarmed as the worried pet owner, she replied, “The first thing I’d do, is keep him out of the sun.

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An orangutan at the zoo has two books – The Bible, and Darwin’s Origin of Species.  He’s trying to find out if he’s his brother’s keeper, or his keeper’s brother.

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Childish One-Liners

I now have three great-grandkids….
….OMG, LMAO, and WTF!

If the lawn mower cuts your toes off….
….don’t come running to me.

Geologists explain earthquakes….
….using faulty logic.

When I turned 70, I couldn’t recognize letters close up….
….but I can still recognize idiots from a distance.

Did you hear about the semicolon that broke grammar laws?….
….It was given two consecutive sentences.

How many grammar teachers does it take to change a light bulb?….
….Too

When I was young, there were only 25 letters in the alphabet….
….Nobody knew Y.

Did you know that cowboys’ relationships….
….tend to be stable.

Would you call a cowboy’s clothing….
….ranch dressing?

Once a month, women go crazy….
….for 30 days.

Have you ever seen fruit preserves being made?….
….It’s jarring

In order to have a Murder of Crows….
….there must be probable caws.

A group of crows is a murder….
….A group of Karens is a Migraine.

I told the wife that ‘awesome’ ends with ME….
….She replied, ‘But ugly starts with U’

I don’t advertise my lip-reading business….
…..It’s all by word of mouth.

I joined a dating site for people my age….
….It’s called Carbon Dating.

I asked a woman for her number….
….She said it was 140 over 80.

I took a quiz online, “What’s your spirit animal?’….
….Mine was extinct.

I stopped going to church….
….when the Pastor fell asleep during his own sermon.

How important does someone have to be….
….before they are “assassinated,” rather than murdered?

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’25 A To Z Challenge – J

Do you know who had absolutely no imagination??
The parents of Loudon Wainwright III

Then there’s the wife’s parents??!  They (kinda, sorta) gave three of their daughters the same name.

Raised in a Catholic family, one of her older sisters was named Jeannette Elaine Lorraine Lackenbauer.  When she was confirmed in The Church, she accepted the name Olivia.  In the order of acquisition, the initials of her names spelled

JELLO

a fact that the woman who took herself far too seriously, was not amused about, when told.  She left the Catholic Church to marry a local Mennonite boy, in a compromise United Church.  She mounted their marriage certificate in a silver frame, and hung it on their living room wall, to prove to all and sundry, that the marriage was legal and binding, and on the up and up.

I stopped to read it one day while visiting, and noted that the minister who performed the ceremony was later convicted of child molestation.  She was far more concerned that her marriage was considered valid, than that her children had escaped the clutches of a pedophile by the thickness of an arrest warrant.  Her first name, Jeannette, is the female diminutive version of the Biblical name, John.

I knew her next-oldest sister as “Bonnie,” for years, before finding out that she was actually ‘Yvonne.’  This is a variant of the Russian name, Ivan, and is the female diminutive of the Biblical name, John.

The wife’s first name is Joanne, which is the female diminutive of the Biblical name, John.

I named my bathroom ‘Jim.’  It sounds better to say that each morning, I go to the ’Jim,’ than that I go to the John, which is what these parents did.

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Ever Take It In Your Head To Do Comedy?

A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, “Why do you look so excited?”

The groom replies, “I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me.”

The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face.

Her maid of honour asks, “Why do you look so excited?”

The bride replies, “I just gave the last blow job of my entire life.”

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Bill took his dog to the vet.
“Doctor,” he said sadly, “I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to cut off my dog’s tail.”
The vet stepped back, “Bill, why should I do such a terrible thing?”
Bill replied, “Because my mother-in-law’s arriving tomorrow, and I don’t want
anything to make her think she is welcome.”

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Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’s sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: “If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries.  If you don’t have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000.”
“Now,” he concluded,” which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?

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Self-Rejection

I have been content to have been saddled with the second-most common – and boring – surname in the English language.  Others have not been so lucky, or accepting.

Many years ago, a young female co-worker had married a Lithuanian-Canadian named Butkevicius.  He felt that the name was too long – too complicated – too confusing to others – too…. European??  He wanted to change it to something shorter, easier.  In all naivety, and with no sense of irony, I suggested he change it to something like “Butkus.”  She replied, “That’s what his American cousin, the football player, did.”  They were related to Dick Butkus, but still hadn’t changed their surname, the last time I saw her.

I was hired to replace a man who had given his two-week notice.  His name was Scheibelhoffer, which, strangely, translates as someone hoping for discs.  Back in the days of paper checks, he complained that it took two, for him to sign his name.  He wanted to become simply ‘Hoffer,’ but found that government bureaucracy, with forms, and fees, and warrants, and applications, made it too expensive.  While accepted as a German name, it’s actually more likely to be Austrian, where polysyllabic names like Schwarzenegger and Lautenschlager are common.

A girl named King moved from Newfoundland to our German host city, and soon married a perpetual child named Detwiler.  Even after getting married, and siring a son, on most fair-weather weekends, he would be building and racing go-carts. She came home one Sunday evening, after a weekend visit to an aunt, to find a $3500, full-size, fully functional replica of Dr. Who’s Dalek in the living room.  The divorce could not come too soon.

She wanted to be separate, not only from him, but his name, and any impending bankruptcy, but, like the guy above, she found that going back to her maiden name through the courthouse, would cost $750.  She was already seeing a new man when she told me of her problem.  I suggested that the new romance might solve it.  Sure enough, just over two years from the divorce, she married a mature mechanical engineer who earned 2 or 3 times what we did, and got the new surname, Johnson, for the cost of a marriage license.

The German-Canadian family of a co-worker named Fischer, became an English-Canadian family named Fisher, during WW II – even here in a German city, once named Berlin.  😮