Tag Archives: Woke

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Fibbing Friday #305

Last week Pensitivity101 wanted our thoughts on these!

1. Borg

It was an artificial, sheepskin-like, insulating fabric in Clarissa’s jacket, in The Silence of the Lambs movie.

2. Caught in 4k

I told the neighbor to leave his cell phone, and its GPS app, at the office, if he was gonna visit his side-chick, but tell his wife he was working late.

3. Cheese Pull

Did the bloody Brits invent a new term to describe wanking??

4. Cheugy

This is the Czech name for a filled doughnut that the Poles call a paczki – a word that simply means “package.”  Especially popular before Easter, the local Polish market includes some with a rose-flavored cream center.  Anybody want to try some?  I’ll email them to you.

5. Chopped

These are our Guaranteed, Government, financial, retirement benefits, since the Provincial and Federal Governments have wasted $Billions on every boondoggle except a digital copy of the Epstein files.  The cat and dog have started a GoFundMe campaign, to help ensure their kibble.

6. Chuzz

This is the new Woke language style, that won’t call a spade, a spade – just an African-American, even if they live in Belgium.  He was shot nine times, and unalived.  I’ll bet that he was impressed with that.  It makes it sound like he was standing on queue, waiting for the stairway to Heaven.

7. Crash out

The son works a midnight shift.  He usually comes home and busies himself, making food, and reading, but…. there are some shifts where I come down to find him sprawled – often face-down – on the couch – dead to the world.  I have to wake him up, to go upstairs to sleep.  I sometimes wonder why there isn’t a chalk outline around him.

8. Blue-Pilled

Let’s see….was it the one that shrinks my enlarged prostate??  The one that increases blood-flow, to help it work….or was it the Magnesium supplement?? 😕  It could be arsenic and old Archon.  I gotta trust the wife.  She’s the one who fills my weekly pill dispenser.  I recently found her staring at our marriage license.  I think she’s looking for the expiry date – either the license, or me.

9. Fridge cigarette

Why is there a letter D in the word ‘fridge,’ but not in ‘refrigerator?’
If you had a look inside my fridge, you’d realize that there’s not enough room for it.
What were we talking about??  Fridge cigarettes??
Uh….frozen fish sticks??!  Not with that door standing open.  😳

10. Buns.

I have Buns of Steel, © ™ but not from exercising, or else the rest of my body wouldn’t look like Bib, The Michelin Man.  I got them from hours spent in the World’s most uncomfortable computer chair.  Before any of you suggest a better chair – this one is the only reason that I get any of my chores done.

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Calm Discussion

Say what you will about Charlie Kirk – and many have – but he championed discussion and debate, not dismissal and censorship.  He had much to say – but he always listened.

SPEAKER DROPPED FROM LOCAL MENTAL HEALTH EVENT

An American speaker was invited to a local symposium, titled, SEE ME, HEAR ME – THE UNHEARD VOICES.  Enough people complained about his social and political opinions, that the invitation was withdrawn.  The irony lies heavy upon the ground.

Beware the zealot!  The true believers are the worst.  The average person’s psyche is a spider web.  Pull on the right thread and you will get the desired result.  Praise them, and they will like you.  Ridicule them, and they will hate you. The greedy can be bought, timid can be frightened, smart can be persuaded, but the zealots are immune to money, fear, or reason.  A zealot’s psyche is a tightrope.  They have severed everything else in favor of their goal.  They will pay any price for their victory, and that makes them infinitely more dangerous.

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’25 A To Z Challenge – R

 

It all began long, long ago, in the forested slopes of the Swiss Alps.  The population had become numerous enough, that one particular Germanic family/clan needed to be known apart from any other clan, so the government assigned them the surname of ROETZ, an Old German word meaning “roots,”  celebrating their sylvan heritage.

Fast forward a thousand years….  OOPS!  Touch the brakes.  Slow down a little.  You’re coming in a bit hot – don’t want you to slam into Woke, or Cancel Culture.  A branch of the family tree broke off and blew across Europe, ending in London, England.  It wasn’t long before entitled, colonial British spelling and pronunciation had reduced it to

RITZ.

One scion of the family made good, and made enough filthy lucre to open an exclusive, expensive hotel in 1909.  Soon, other rich, fancy Ritz hotels were built.

In 1934, in the middle of the Great Depression, NABISCO, the National BIscuit Company began advertising a small, round, rich, flaky, buttery cracker called Ritz.  It was marketed so that ordinary folk could have “a bite of the good life.”  They are great on their own, but their true fame is that any garnish/topping can be added – cheeses, jellies, oysters, pâté.  After almost a hundred years, they are still America’s favorite cracker.

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Cowboy Comedy

A police officer saw a man dressed with a huge cowboy hat, spurs, and six shooters in a big city.
“Excuse me, sir,” said the police officer, “What’s up with the cowboy get up?”
“My name’s Tex and I’m a cowboy, officer. ”
“The police officer said, “So, you’re from Texas?”
“Nope, Louisiana, the cowboy replied.”
“Louisiana? So why are you called Tex?”
“Don’t want to be called Louise, do I?

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A rabbi, a priest, and an atheist walk in to a bar.

The bartender looks at them and points to a sign, labeled: “NO JOKES SERVED HERE” and asks the gentlemen to leave. They reluctantly get up and leave before any discussion between them occurs.

The next day, a horse walks in to this same bar. Once again, the bartender points to the sign: “NO JOKES SERVED HERE”. With a long face, the horse gets up from his bar stool and leaves the building.

The day after that, a chicken walks in to the bar. The bartender approaches the chicken as it sits down. He once again points to the sign and says, “I am sorry, but we don’t allow jokes to be served here.”

“Fine!” says the chicken, clucking with disapproval. “But can you at least tell me where else can I get a drink around here?”

The bartender replies, “Yeah, there’s another bar right across the road.”

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Las Vegas McCarran International Airport experienced two power outages.
Several travelers suffered broken arms beating on slot machines when they stopped spinning.

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Thank God Smokin’ In The Boy’s Room was released in 1973.  Today, it we’d have Vaping In The Gender-Neutral Area.

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I watched my first porno yesterday.  I looked so much younger back then.

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My ex-girlfriend tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends that I was terrible in bed.
Imagine her surprise when they all disagreed with her.

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I bought a new pair of shoes with memory-foam insoles.
No more forgetting why I walked into the kitchen.

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The skulls of your enemies are more environmentally friendly than plastic cups.  Just sayin’!

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Super-Stitious Fibbing Friday

Because last week was also Friday the 13th  September, Pensitivity101 revisited 2019 and used those questions, so there may be some superstitious referrals here.

1. If flower seeds give us flowers and tomato seeds give us tomatoes, what does bird seed give us?

Well…. for a while, they gave us tweets.  Then some birdbrain came along, and Xed them all out.

2. How do you make a cat flap?

Run over it with a road grader.

3. Why is Friday 13th considered unlucky?

The Last Supper, with 13 diners, occurred on a Friday.  None of the others had any money, so poor Judas had to pay the tab out of his 30 pieces of silver.

4. When is the Witching Hour?

Whenever the Mother-outlaw in-law arrives, unannounced, unwanted, with her sacred herb, and her arcane language.

5. Are familiars always cats?

No, but I’ve known a couple of cats who were all too familiar.  I think one guy’s name must have been Hans.

6. Where did McDonald’s originate?

The punters at the OTB in Ipswich were growing tired of just fish and chips, or chicken curry, so a smart, skirt-wearing Scotsman from Dundee decided to open a nearby restaurant serving hot, ground-beef sandwiches on triple-decker buns.  He began with a small herd of Herefords that he ‘found’ two days before the local farmer lost them.  The rest is history franchising.

7. What was the first thing Sleeping Beauty said when roused from sleep by her prince?

Why, you don’t even look like Bill Cosby.

8. What’s the difference between a sink and a basin?

The one is about how little I care about the distinction.  The other is about how much I don’t care about the distinction.  For nothing, I’ll tell you that the local German surname ‘Basem’ originally referred to a resident of Basel, Switzerland.  I wash my hands of this prompt.

9. Why does the wind howl?

I don’t blame the wind for wanting to howl.  For millennia and eons, it’s been free to sweep across prairies and oceans.  Suddenly, there are forests of huge turbines, chopping, slicing and dicing, diverting and impeding it, all in the name of ‘free’ energy.  Perhaps though, if we put a couple of them up in front of the next Trump/Harris debate, the networks could broadcast for free.

10. Why do we say swinging the lead?

I was going to compose an interesting and amusing response for this, but then I thought, “Why bother??  I’ll just fake it.”

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’24 A To Z Challenge – L

Here’s another, number 17-5/9, in a Long List of interesting, pretentious, but Largely useless words.

Littérateur

As you can see
By the tail on the é

It’s a word which is barely normalized into English, from French.  It means a literary person, especially a writer of literary works – someone who enjoys, or produces literature- a man of letters.

I am definitely a man of letters.  I often use all 26 of them in various combinations, occasionally to good effect.  This is a pre-Woke word.  It refers to men only.  There is “no woman of letters.”  If there were, his wife would be a “Littérateuse.”  When the French invented this word, the only letters allowed to women were the likes of tbsp., or PMS.

My baby, she wrote me a letter  It was a Q, in purple crayon.  They don’t allow sharp objects at ‘The Home.’  😮 

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Law-Abiding Comedy

Police Officer Test

How do you tell the difference between an English police officer, a Canadian police officer, an American police officer, and a Scottish police officer?

QUESTION: You’re on duty by yourself (Don’t ask why.  You just are, and your Sergeant hates you) walking on a deserted street, late at night.  Suddenly a huge man with a knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, and lunges at you.  You are carrying your truncheon, and are an expert at using it.  However, you only have a split-second to react before he reaches you.  What do you do?

ANSWER:

BRITISH OFFICER
Firstly, you have to consider the man’s civil rights.
1. Does the man look poor or oppressed?
2. Is he newly arrived in this country and does not understand the law?
3. Is this really a knife, or a ceremonial dagger?
4. Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
5. Am I dressed provocatively?
6. Can I run away?
7. Could I possibly swing my truncheon, and knock the knife out of his hand?
8. Should I try and negotiate with him and discuss his wrong-doings?
9. Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway, and what kind of message does this give to society?
10. Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content to merely wound me?
11. If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?
12. If I raise my truncheon and he runs away, do I get blamed if he trips, falls down, smacks his head, and dies?
13. If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, and cost me my job, my credibility, and my family home?

CANADIAN OFFICER
THUMP!!

AMERICAN OFFICER
Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang!!
Click, reload.
Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang!

SCOTTISH OFFICER
Haw, Jimmy..  Drop the knife noo, unless ya want it shoved up yer arse.

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Olympical Fibbing Friday

Pensitiviy101 left it a bit late last week so she borrowed some questions from a monthly newsletter which she thought we could have some fun with.
All to do with the Olympics, but hey, this is Fibbing Friday so don’t let that stop you!!

The Olympics??!  What?  Again?  Oh thrill.  Oh joy.  Another divisive, jingoistic attempt to generate interest – and tons of money – in people with no lives of their own.  This should be as exciting as reading a list of Kardashian birthdays.  It’s the planet’s biggest dick-measuring contest, even when the dicks are named Jacques, or n’kwamye, or Canada’s too-cutely-labelled young, female swimmer – Summer.

There are 339 (??!) events, and 206 nations competing – even though some nations are smaller than the sunglass kiosk at the mall.  I’m surprised that Vatican City didn’t send a contingent – although, they might be viewed as having an unfair advantage.  1017 medals will be awarded, leaving a pile of 68817 losers.  I don’t think that I’m much impressed with those odds.

They’re even going to hold the swimming section of the triathlon by having competitors use the Seine River!  😮  What could go wrong??  That thing is so heavily polluted that they could also use it for the cycling portion.  Perhaps we’ll find out if the urban legends of alligators in the Paris sewers are true.  Enough of the nationalistic lies, on to MY lies.

1.  The Olympic Games originated in Ancient Greece but in which year were the first known Games held?

In the year Zero.  It was such an embarrassment that they struck it from the calendar, and we now go directly from 1BC, to 1 AD.

2. What prize was given to winners in the ancient Games?

Not having to compete in the next set of games.

3. The flame which burned during the ancient Games was in honour of which goddess?

Weber, who was the goddess of the barbecue.

4. What was the only event type at the first Ancient Olympics?

Nude wrestling – which went on WAYYY too long.

5. Which Roman Emperor declared himself the winner of an Olympic chariot race, even though he fell out of his chariot?

That was Flatulus Maximus, later known as the Big Noise From Winnetka.

6. When did the Ancient Olympics cease and why?

They stopped when OSHA finally got involved.  I mean, really??!  Throwing around large chunks of metal, and sharp sticks.  Someone could lose an eye – and launch a lawsuit.  No-one is quite sure just when it occurred.  They’d have been there sooner, but they were busy helping FEMA rescue New Orleans from Hurricane Katrina.

7. In which year were the first modern Olympics held?

The first ‘modern’ Olympics have not yet been held.  They are still tossing discuses – discii?? – throwing javelins, jumping over sticks, and going for a swim – all things that the ancient Greeks did.  The first truly modern Olympics will include competitive basket-weaving, interpretive navel-gazing, Haiku composition, and a round-robin Woke scrum where no-one’s feelings are hurt, and everyone gets a medal for participating.

8. How often are the Olympic Games held?

Only once.  The Summer Games just seem to bleed into the Winter Games.  The swimmers are barely toweling off when the skiers are waxing their boards.

9. In which year were the last solid gold medals given?

It was just before Donald Trump was elected president.  Strangely, immediately afterwards, all the gold used to cast the medals just disappeared.

10. In 2024 Paris will equal which other city in hosting the Olympics three times?

Chernobyl.  😮

 

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These Are Some Of My Favorite…. Oxymorons

I added the prefix Oxy to the word morons, because I don’t want some Cancel Culture Cowboy, astride a big, white Woke to come riding in.  I always appreciate a good post about English usage – and misusage – but the language has subtle nuances, and sometimes we are presented with false dichotomies.  Let the rant begin.

Assistant supervisor

No contradiction here!  Most organizations have more than one person in charge.  Some of them have more authority than others and require a helper to administrate it.

New tradition

How many times does it take to qualify as a tradition??  Even if this is the first time, it is hoped and planned that this new Tradition will continue.

Original copy

The valuable, irreplaceable “original” is locked in a safe.  This is the authorized first copy, from which all other copies must be made, to prevent photocopy smudging.

Plastic glass

Several things are identified as (a) glass, including a magnifying glass, a mirror, and a drinking container.  All of them were originally made of glass, but technology marches on, and we need an adjective to point out the difference.

Uninvited guest

One does not require an invitation to become a guest.  If you allow an unexpected person into your home/wedding reception, they are your guest.

Highly depressed

As opposed to ‘mildly depressed.’  There is no disagreement here.  One word does not relate to the other.

Live Recording

For all the pirates who download digital copies of digital copies, of digital copies, this tape was made in a studio, when the artist(s) was there.

Authentic reproduction

This has to do with sales, and copyrights.  It is not the original, but it is produced by a licensed, authorized agent.

Partial ceasefire

Some do!  Some don’t!  There is less gunfire now than there was previously – partial, not total – what’s your problem??

Limited lifetime guarantee

Better expressed as Lifetime limited guarantee, the limits are on what is guaranteed, not the lifetime.

Elevated subway

When I go to downtown Toronto, I usually park at a mall, way out in the suburbs.  I take an escalator up 20 feet, and board a train which, within a block, plunges underground – an elevated subway.

Dry lake

It once had water.  It may again someday.  Lake:  a body of water, or something resembling it  Like a ‘damn lake’ instead of a ‘damned lake,’ a Dry lake is clearer vernacular than a Dried (or dried-up) lake.

True replica

See ‘Authentic Reproduction,’ above – it’s a “real fake!”

Forward lateral

The movement of something – usually a football – sideways, which unintentionally also results in forbidden forward movement.  Football rules cover it.  No need to throw a language flag also.

Standard options

Standard options are paint color and cup-holders.  Non-standard options include a xylophone, and ’60’s shag carpet.  They are available, with special orders and extra charges.

Old news

It was NEWs when we first heard it.  Now it’s just vernacular to indicate that we’ve heard it all before.

Small crowd

How many does it take to be a crowd??!  A tight group of 20 is certainly a smaller crowd than 2000.

Free gift

If it’s not free, then undoubtedly, it’s not a gift.  This is just redundant hyperbole marketing ad-speak.  Get used to it.  They lie to us all the time.  😳

Completely surround

Again, not an oxy, you moron.  This is an emphasis, guaranteeing no leakages.

Most unique

Every strangely-garbed, potential contestant on “Let’s Make A Deal” is unique – one-of-a-kind – but the guy in the full scuba suit, with the inverted ice cream cone smashed down on his head, is least like any of the others – Most unique!

Now that I’ve picked a bushel of nits, I think I’ll fry them in garlic butter, and serve them with some fava beans, and a nice Chianti.

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Old Bag Fibbing Friday

Pernsitivity101 gave us another mixed bag last week. Your suggestions for these please……………..

1.What is a juggernaut?

That’s a hillbilly who’s disappointed that he wasn’t accepted into a NASA program, however…. if the moonshine-powered engine in his General Lee repro lets go, he might achieve orbit.

2. What is an HGV?

It’s a new Snowflake disease, caused by too much Woke in their system.

3. What is an off roader?

In Canada’s winter/spring weather, it’s any idiot driver with too much lead-foot – macho – booze – drugs – stupid.

4. What is a 4 X 4?

It’s a pressure-treated,, waterproofed timber that you stick in the ground, to hold up your back deck – if you’re not playing with a full one.

5. What is a turbine?

That’s the headgear worn by some curry-eating selling, Asian immigrants.  The ones with forehead dots are push-starts, and the little sheet-head ones are pull-starts.

6. Where will you find an octave?

Wherever two string quartets are having a duelling cellos competition.

7. What is a dovetail joint?

That’s a Chi-Chi bar with bird-decoration motif.  You haven’t lived until you’ve had cockatoo-shit in your Old Fashioned!!?

8. What is a Messerschmitt?

That’s my brother, and a few similar cousins.  Their home décor theme seems to be “Didn’t expect the police raid.”

9. What is a tangerine?

It’s a lovely, old 1941 ballad from Jimmy Dorsey’s orchestra.

10. What is a mattock?

That was the silver-haired, geriatric, Grumpy-Old-Dude lawyer TV role that actor, Andy Griffith played, after he moved out of Mayberry, and stopped being Opie’s dad, Dopie.