Tag Archives: elections

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’25 A To Z Challenge – C

The area bosses of the richest, most powerful crime syndicate in the world, recently got together to elect a new capo di tutti capi.  They’re responsible for extorting billions of people, and ruining millions of lives.  Nice soul you’ve got there – it’d be a shame if you lost it because you didn’t pay the weekly vig.

They locked them in a room, and the last guy standing got to be the new Boss.  It was a mobster from Chicago.  He knew where all the bodies were buried, because he’d buried a lot of them himself.  We’re gonna start finding guys in cement overshoes at the bottom of the Tiber.

Locked together in a room grand suite, until they came to a decision??!  One meal a day??!  Sounds tough.  The truth is an unlimited buffet, and hot and cold, running altar boys. White smoke from the chimney – no new Pope.  Black smoke?  New Pope.  Greasy grey smoke??  They’re having steak for supper.

I’m surprised they didn’t take at least a week’s well-paid vacation, but I guess they felt they had to get back to check the bank deposit statements.  The name of this posh little shindig was

CATHOLICON

No!  Wait!  That’s not right.  The name for locking 133 guys in bright dresses in the same room – not that there’s anything wrong with that – is conclave.  CATHOLICON is a panacea, or universal remedy.  The cure is worse than the disease.

I’m going to say a couple of Hell, Mary, and see if I can come up with a Wednesday post theme.  If not, CU Friday.  😀

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Real Fake Fibbing Friday

Last week Pensitivity101 gave us some real words, but these are my definitions!

1. Bafflegab

    That would be anything that falls out of Elon Musk’s mouth.  I used to think that Donald Trump was the champion of Talk Much – Say Little, but Elon, his left-hand man, amazes and awes me.  He may be a genius who will get us to a colony on Mars, but no-one will understand why.

    2. Batrachomyomachy

    This is a word which means possessing an excess of Woke.  When God made Man, he was explaining to some angels.  “He might not look like much, but He will be strong, brave, tenacious, and clever.  He will fight off huge wild animals.  He will survive fires, floods, earthquakes, volcano eruptions….  Eventually, He will become afraid of words.”
    3.  Boondoggle

    This is my online friend who rescues and finds homes for unwanted and abandoned canines.

    4.   Borborygmus

    You’ve heard that “You can lead a horse to water’??!  This is the guy who can’t.  He vainly attempts to organize and run the team Zoom meetings, with all the style and panache of low-fat yogurt.  People follow him only out of morbid curiosity.

    5.   Bowyang

    It’s the vee-shaped wave, pushed ahead of the front of Viking Cruise river boats on the Danube.  Not amusing, or even very interesting – just something that we cannot afford to do – but I definitely dislocated my fibula, typing it out.

    6.   Blitzkrieg

    Blitzkrieg is a candy bar manufactured in The Netherlands, similar to a Mounds bar.  It contains dark chocolate and nuts, and is heavily infused with THC oil.  You will get as fat as a little pot-bellied pig, eating these things…. but you don’t care, man.

    7.   Brimborion

    This word describes the food provided at many hospitals.  It is contracted out, produced in bulk, shipped to the hospitals, warmed back up, and served to unsuspecting patients, with Hobson’s choice.  Maximum profit is obtained through minimum variation.  It contains no salt, because of heart patients.  It contains no sugar because of diabetics.  It is warm, filling, nutritious – and about as palatable as mucilage.  I lost 20 pounds in 10 days.  A previous cardiac patient was the Food Manager for all of Ontario’s penitentiaries.  He said that he could/would not serve this pap to his prisoners.

    8.  Boffola

    This is the ‘Dirty Talk’ portion of foreplay (If there is any) for #9

    9.   Boff

    Boff is the verb to describe aggressive, positive sex – usually with the male as initiator and controller.  The “Boff” quotient of American presidents has declined significantly over the years.  John F. Kennedy used to boff all kinds of movie stars and socialites.
    Monica Lewinski became Bill Clinton’s whistle-blower, when she took it into her head to become famous.
    Eeny, Meany, Miney, Moe
    Trump grabs them by the camel-toe
    He has oral sex when he tells them how much they want and enjoy his ‘HUGE’ hands.
    10. Buzzwig

    Renaissance hair-pieces were not white because they were heavily dusted with talcum powder.  It was arsenic, to kill all-too-common fleas.

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    Olympical Fibbing Friday

    Pensitiviy101 left it a bit late last week so she borrowed some questions from a monthly newsletter which she thought we could have some fun with.
    All to do with the Olympics, but hey, this is Fibbing Friday so don’t let that stop you!!

    The Olympics??!  What?  Again?  Oh thrill.  Oh joy.  Another divisive, jingoistic attempt to generate interest – and tons of money – in people with no lives of their own.  This should be as exciting as reading a list of Kardashian birthdays.  It’s the planet’s biggest dick-measuring contest, even when the dicks are named Jacques, or n’kwamye, or Canada’s too-cutely-labelled young, female swimmer – Summer.

    There are 339 (??!) events, and 206 nations competing – even though some nations are smaller than the sunglass kiosk at the mall.  I’m surprised that Vatican City didn’t send a contingent – although, they might be viewed as having an unfair advantage.  1017 medals will be awarded, leaving a pile of 68817 losers.  I don’t think that I’m much impressed with those odds.

    They’re even going to hold the swimming section of the triathlon by having competitors use the Seine River!  😮  What could go wrong??  That thing is so heavily polluted that they could also use it for the cycling portion.  Perhaps we’ll find out if the urban legends of alligators in the Paris sewers are true.  Enough of the nationalistic lies, on to MY lies.

    1.  The Olympic Games originated in Ancient Greece but in which year were the first known Games held?

    In the year Zero.  It was such an embarrassment that they struck it from the calendar, and we now go directly from 1BC, to 1 AD.

    2. What prize was given to winners in the ancient Games?

    Not having to compete in the next set of games.

    3. The flame which burned during the ancient Games was in honour of which goddess?

    Weber, who was the goddess of the barbecue.

    4. What was the only event type at the first Ancient Olympics?

    Nude wrestling – which went on WAYYY too long.

    5. Which Roman Emperor declared himself the winner of an Olympic chariot race, even though he fell out of his chariot?

    That was Flatulus Maximus, later known as the Big Noise From Winnetka.

    6. When did the Ancient Olympics cease and why?

    They stopped when OSHA finally got involved.  I mean, really??!  Throwing around large chunks of metal, and sharp sticks.  Someone could lose an eye – and launch a lawsuit.  No-one is quite sure just when it occurred.  They’d have been there sooner, but they were busy helping FEMA rescue New Orleans from Hurricane Katrina.

    7. In which year were the first modern Olympics held?

    The first ‘modern’ Olympics have not yet been held.  They are still tossing discuses – discii?? – throwing javelins, jumping over sticks, and going for a swim – all things that the ancient Greeks did.  The first truly modern Olympics will include competitive basket-weaving, interpretive navel-gazing, Haiku composition, and a round-robin Woke scrum where no-one’s feelings are hurt, and everyone gets a medal for participating.

    8. How often are the Olympic Games held?

    Only once.  The Summer Games just seem to bleed into the Winter Games.  The swimmers are barely toweling off when the skiers are waxing their boards.

    9. In which year were the last solid gold medals given?

    It was just before Donald Trump was elected president.  Strangely, immediately afterwards, all the gold used to cast the medals just disappeared.

    10. In 2024 Paris will equal which other city in hosting the Olympics three times?

    Chernobyl.  😮

     

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    Setup Fibbing Friday

    Last week was another set of question offered to Pensitivity101 by fellow blogger Archon’s Den.  (Ta-Da!)
    What do you make of these?

    1. Betrump

    That is the woe that will betide the United States, if there are enough desperate, gullible voters to re-elect a multiply-convicted felon.

    2. Cony-catch

    That’s a form of juggling, using special, Fall-Fair hotdogs.

    3. Crapulous

    Living in a small town, we don’t have a sewage system.  Houses just have septic tanks.  Some of the older houses still just have cesspools – or British cesspits – although, ours are covered over.  There’s a local firm that comes around occasionally, to pump them out.  It’s called Poker Pumping, and the motto on the honey-wagon says, “A straight flush beats a full house.”

    4. Dowsabel

    It’s the signal for the end of the stock trading day on the NYSE.

    5. Ear-rent

    This is the up-front, per-minute charge that I demand, to listen to duct-cleaners, campaigning politicians, and rabid religious missionaries.  I have kinda, sorta learned to listen to the wife, or I will pay.

    6. Flexanimous

    This is the exact opposite of what I was at the beginning of my life.  Nowadays, my thoughts and opinions are as rigid as my protesting muscles and joints.

    7. Gazophylacium

    This is a new medication developed to relieve acid reflux, caused by a hiatus hernia.

    8. Grum

    Cheer up, they said.  Things could be worse.  So I cheered up.  Sure as shit, things got worse.  Things always seem to go from bad to worse.  Yesterday, they were grim.  Today they are grum.

    9. Hugger–mugger

    This WOKE shit is getting Waaayyyy out of hand.  Apparently, there are no more armed robbers.  There are just financially-disadvantaged street residents.  I’m of the, “That’s not a knife.  That’s a knife Beretta 9-mil, opinion.”  It cuts recidivism 100%.

    10. Lucubrate

    This is a system to assign values to the untruths we spread.  It ranges from tact, – (No, dear, those yoga pants don’t make your butt look big.  It’s your addiction to Godiva chocolates that does that.) to white lies, fibs, euphemisms, misdirection, real lies, damned lies, statistics, and Vote for me.  I’m not really a rich, condescending asshole, I just married into the money.

    How many British Prime Ministers does it take to change a light bulb?
    No-one knows.  They don’t stay in office long enough to do it.

    Fancy a cuppa?

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    Flash Fiction #281

    PHOTO PROMPT © David Stewart

    IT’S MY CELLPHONE AND I’LL CALL IF I WANT TO
    (To the tune of Lesley Gore’s It’s My Party)

    It’s Chinese water torture!  Drip!  Drip!  Drip! Like being nibbled to death by ducks.

    Once, my telephone line was for MY use – to make calls to my friends, and to receive from them.  Now, strangers on other continents want to tie it up for their monetary reasons.

    If an election were held tomorrow, how would you vote?
    We are a reliable company who would like to clean your ducts.
    You owe the IRS $1500, payable in iTunes gift cards.

    I think every scammer should have to pay 50¢ on my phone bill before they call me.  I got their number.

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    If you’d like to join the fun with the Friday Fictioneers, go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.

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    ’20 A To Z Challenge – V

    How can we miss you, if you won’t go away?

    I hope, by the time I publish this, that the gunfire has died down, the fires are out, the smoke has cleared, all the Biden inauguration rioters protesters have been arrested, and Nancy Pelosi’s lectern has been returned – again.

    This polar expedition into American politics is brought to you by the words

    VAPID

    Flavorless, tiresome, prosaic

    VACUOUS

    Lacking ideas or intelligence, empty, stupid, inane
    – and

    VAINGLORIOUS

    Boastful or vain, ostentatious

    I borrowed them from the Kardshians, to give to Donald (Here’s your hat – What’s your hurry) Trump, as a going away present.  Twenty years of Keeping Up With them produced less damage to the American culture than four years with him.  He didn’t even have enough class to attend his own going-away party, but snuck away to Mar-a-Lago, like the phoney Wizard of Oz behind the curtain.  He would not accept the inevitable, and step aside with grace and dignity.  How a man plays the game says a lot about his character, but how he loses says it all.

    I wonder who wound him up and set him loose on the unsuspecting public.  Perhaps he is a self-made megalomaniac.  At least when George W. Bush’s lips moved, you could see Dick Cheney’s hand stuck up his ass.

    Speaking of an ass…. There’s another word I’d like to pin on this donkey as hee-haw sulks off into the sunset.

    VINDICTIVE

    He is so full of ego – and other substances – that he really thinks that the entire American population idolizes him.  He truly believes that someone – somehow – stole the election, and the second term, from him.  He has loyalty only to himself.  Anyone of his political confederates who fails to completely and immediately agree with him, gets tossed under the bus.  In fact, he’ll drive the bus.  We couldn’t hear it, inside the White House, but he brought his trademarked phrase – You’re Fired – with him.  He ruined more political careers than compulsory lie-detector tests.

    Words beginning with the letter V are not much more common than X, Y, or Z.  I’ve used so many to roast Trump with, that next year, we may have to drop in at The Stag Shop, and purchase a Vibrator.   😉

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    The League of Sedentary Gentlemen

    I have joined a prestigious, if none too exclusive club.  The League of Sedentary Gentlemen graciously offered me an honorary membership, just because I mentioned that my idea of exercise is a good, brisk sit.  I questioned accepting membership in a group that would accept me as a member

    They all sit around (what else) texting each other with suggestions for the best way to get a wife, or grandkid, or a guilt-ridden neighbor to bring them another beer or a fresh mint julep.  Well, most of the rest of them do.  I’m an old technological Luddite, still trying to figure out the intricacies of these new-fangled touch-tone phones.

    I tried to talk one or more of them into coming over to the house and explaining it to me, but none of them want to leave the safety and comfort of their living room or front porch.  They claim that if they relieve pressure on their butt-cheeks, their prostates will swell.

    I’ve spent a good chunk of my life, fetchin’ and totin’ for other folks.  I just thought that it was time to sit back, take it easy, and deeply cogitate about… sittin’ back and taking it easy.  There are no problems that are too deep or complex, that they can’t be addressed with the judicious use of a remote control, and/or an intercom or walkie-talkie.  I’ve got this COVID ‘sheltering at home’ thing down to a fine science.

    I have so impressed so many of the group, that I am considering standing for election as President of the League, but standing can get you tossed out of this loosely rational knit organization.  I expect to sit, comfortably, both before and after I achieve total control.  My dynamite campaign trick will be to distribute a NSFW photo of my ass, showing the corduroy marks from the extra pillow that I added to my computer chair.

    I have a lot of great ideas for the League, that don’t involve strenuous movement.  I’d like to set up a group of online webinars, with titles like, ‘Leaving the Rocker/Recliner To Go To Bed: Good Idea, or Bad?’ – ‘How Do You Know When You’ve Had Enough Nothing?’ – ‘Door-Dash, Skip The Dishes, and Uber-Eats: Pillars of the Republic! and ‘Screened Front Porches: Salvation Of The Nation!’

    I might become so famous and well-known that I could sit on the Supreme Court – as long as I get an aide who will wheel me into the courtroom.  What is your position on abortion?  Recumbent, on the couch.  The sun can rise every day, but I am not that motivated.  I have an irresistible force to remain an immovable object.

    I wouldn’t object if you expressed your unwavering support for my plan.  I’ll take your word for it.  It’s not like I’m going to actually get up and check.

    Another labor-saving position

     

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    WOW #66

    The elections are coming!  The elections are coming!  Actually, they’ve been had – and so has the electorate.  It was Donald tRump against Whatzizname.  Let’s skip past Pathology and Psychology, and go directly to

    PSEPHOLOGY

    ORIGIN

    Psephology, “the study of elections,” comes from Greek psêphos “small stone, pebble.” (The Greeks used pebbles in counting and arithmetic functions; the ancient Athenians also used pebbles to cast votes in elections and trials.) The element –logy is the completely naturalized combining form used in the names of sciences (geology, biology) and bodies of knowledge (theology, astrology).

    The 20th-century British historian R.B. McCallum wrote in a personal letter that while with C.S. Lewis and other heavy-hitting philologists, he proposed the term electionology, which so offended the sensibilities of Lewis and the others that they proposed the etymologically correct psephology, avoiding the dreadful Latin-Greek hybrid. Psephology entered English in the mid-20th century.

    At first I thought that I would need to be paid – handsomely – to study elections.  Elections themselves seem to be interesting only to CPAs and statisticians.  However, the dramatis personae, the cast of characters, has evolved to make them high drama, and low comedy.  After that first Punch and Biden debate, I thought that they would have to provide the moderator for the second with a cattle prod.  It seems that a simple mute switch was sufficient, although sparks still flew.

    I composed this post before the Great American Election of 2020, so, no spoilers.  Don’t tell me how it turned out.  No matter who won, the American public lost.  Now we Canadians face the inevitable march to the polls, to choose between Tweedle-dum and Tweedle-dumber.  I’m gonna study my crosswords till they spend my pension on Green Energy.   😯

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    ’20 A To Z Challenge – O

     

    I took my new bifocals out for a test drive, and felt that I’d found the perfect word to describe me.  I thought someone said that I was an ‘Oopsy-Mess.’  When I cleaned the dryer lint off the lenses, I found that I had to look up the word

    OPSIMATH

    A person who learns late in life
    Greek
    opse = late
    math = learn

    We should ALL be opsimaths, all except you young bucks.  Learning should be a life-long ambition and objective.  Some folks stop learning when they graduate high school, or college.  Many of them go on to become managers at McDonald’s or Domino’s, although at least one of them got elected as President of the United States.  Some voters never learn.  😳

    I could go on (and on) about this, but I’ve learned to, Be Brief – Be Bright – Begone.  Are you still learning stuff to advance you in your job, or to get you a better one?  Are you still learning things, just for the joy of knowledge?  I would have been a professional scholar, if I’d just been able to find a sponsor.

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    Skool Daze

    Student

    My wife asked me to help prepare our 4-year-old for his first day at school….
    ….So I stole his lunch

    Whenever it rains, my wife just stands at the window looking sad….
    ….Do you think I should let her in?

    If anyone knows how to fix broken hinges….
    ….My door is always open.

    There’s nothing like a brisk fall morning….
    ….To keep me in bed till noon.

    There’s no excuse for laziness….
    ….But if you find one, let me know.

    What did the drunk driver die of?….
    ….Texting.

    I just tripped over my wife’s bra….
    ….It was a booby trap

    Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peek-a-boo accident?….
    ….To the I.C.U.

    Doctor: I’m sorry, I had to remove your colon….
    ….Me Why

    Did you know that before the crowbar was invented….
    ….Crows had to drink alone, at home.

    Instant gratification….
    ….Takes too long.

    I admit that I live in the past….
    ….But only because the housing is so much cheaper.

    If you are not yelling at your kids….
    ….You are not spending enough time with them.

    USER: The word computer professionals use….
    ….When they mean idiot.

    As soon as the hospital put me in one of those little gowns….
    ….I knew the end was in sight.

    It is better to live one day as a lion….
    ….Than 100 years as a sheep.

    The lion shall lie down with the lamb….
    ….But the lamb won’t get much sleep.

    Bigamy is having one wife too many….
    ….Monogamy is the same thing.

    I have Van Gogh’s ear for music.

    They say that marriages are made in Heaven….
    ….But then, so are thunder and lightning.

    I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food….
    ….He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

    The only flair I have, is in my nostrils.

    People who think they know everything….
    ….Are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

    Be careful about reading health books….
    ….You might die of a misprint.

    Johnny, where’s your homework?….
    ….Still inside the pencil.

    I like local jokes….
    ….They’re right up my street.

    I felt uncomfortable, driving into the cemetery….
    ….The GPS declared, “You have reached your final destination.”

    Donald Trump

    When I was young, I was told that anyone could become President….
    ….I’m beginning to believe it.

    I didn’t realize how unsocial I was until there was a pandemic….
    ….And my life didn’t really change all that much.