Tag Archives: Trump

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Fibbing Friday #308

Here are last week’s questions from Pensitivity101:

1.  What is a canopy?

A larder or cupboard for storing tinned foods.

2.  What is a cookie?

Dagwood Bumstead’s daughter – and his wife is Blondie – and their neighbor is Tootsie – no real names, and all before marijuana became legal.  I’m surprised that his son isn’t DUDE.

3.  What is a pup cup?

It’s the cap that screws on the top of a Saint Bernard’s rum keg.

4.  What is a typhoon?

A rich, powerful person who is full of…. hot air – and other, less pleasant, substances.

5.  Why are nails sharp at one end?

Because the other ends are still attached to my fingers.

6.  What’s the difference between a chip and a fry?

A chip is found either in an electronic device, or at a golf course, while a fry is most often found at a tailgate in a football stadium parking lot.

7.  What is a shoe horn?

A source of merriment and celebration at footwear stores.  C’mon!  The clerks need all the help they can get.  It’s not like they’re a cell phone kiosk.  All the salespeople ever see – and smell – are feet.

8.  Why do spirit levels have bubbles?

They were originally manufactured in the Champagne region of France, and filled with second-grade wine that hadn’t passed the Quality Assurance standards.

9.  Why do we have tea leaves but coffee grains?

You keep tellin’ the cops that the stuff in the baggie is tea leaves, while “your cousin,” Manolito, shipped you that coffee from Colombia.

10. What is a diplomat?

A man who always remembers a woman’s birthday – but not how many she’s had.

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Fibbing Friday #304

Last week, Pensitivity101 wanted definitions for these words.

1. Lowkenuinely

This is an automobile modification shop in the barrio, which produces cars that sit so close to the pavement, that running over a pine needle – or a heroin needle – can cause brake-line damage.  They are often driven by louts whose pants hang down about the same amount.

2. Gruzz

These are police officers in Minnesota, who grow big, bushy beards, to insulate their faces, and keep them from freezing off in the winter.  Not to be confused with trigger-happy ICE agents, who wear various masks, to escape prosecution.

3. Nerf

A hodad is a guy who doesn’t surf.  A nerf is a technophobe who doesn’t surf the web.

4. 41

The highest IQ someone can have, and still believe in these ridiculous conspiracy theories, and online scams.  See #7 – below

5. AFAIK

Initially, I thought that it was an acronym.  Then I found that it refers to any of the Kardshians.

6. Agentic

I asked Siri for a definition.  She told me not to concern myself with it.  All would be just fine.  She and Alexa were dealing with the Donald Trump problem, and would soon have Sky-Net operational.

7. Aura farming

It seems that the more scientific information is available, the more some fools will insist on believing superstitious nonsense.  The neighbor woman has a Ouija board, a Magic 8-Ball, a copy of the I-Ching, and more crystals than Swarovski.  She claims that she is gathering and concentrating her husband’s emanations, to make him successful at work.  I told her to just have him stop eating Kolbossa sausage and sauerkraut.

8. Bed rotting

Working from home is one thing, but you should at least roll out of the old fart-sack for Zoom calls.

9. Blep

A blep is an image on one of the new Quantum, Air Traffic Control radar screens.  They are so ultra-sensitive, they can tell how many passengers are on an airliner, and how many of them are left-handed.

10. Bloatware

For me, ‘retaining fluids’ means not throwing up that last mug of beer.  For many of you ladies, it has a much different connotation.

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Fibbing Friday #301

Some of the words on Pensitivity101’s list last week might be repeats.  I will do my best.

1. Verklempt

That’s how you have to hold your legs, when you really, really, really have to pee, but the bathroom is in use.  How long a minute is, depends on which side of the door you are on.

2. Vittle

It’s a new brand of dog treats that was recently released to the general public, now that the Queen’s Corgis are no longer the main customers.

3. Vuvuzela.

That’s the country that Trump just invaded as a posterity project.  Now that he has ousted its tyrannical dictator, he may have to move down there to live, because the American courts have repossessed Mar-A-Lago, and the Trump Tower for non-payment of his felony fines.

4, Vexillology

That’s the subtitle of Trump’s new book, How To Piss Off Everybody, Everywhere, All The Time.

5. Velociraptor

The lead-foot, red-neck neighbor, and his intelligence-deprived, hillbilly friends and relatives leaving the area.  SCUUHREECH!!!  There’s more tire rubber on the pavement than inside a Goodyear factory.  You’d think they were runnin’ from the law.  Uhh….  Wait a second….  😮

6. Vamoosinator

That’s my cousin Melvin, at a restaurant.  The waiter drops the bill, and he suddenly remembers that he has an appointment at the Optometrist, to get his eyeballs rotated.

7. Vicissitude

The act or condition of being a timid or cowardly person – a baby, chicken, coward, cry-baby, jelly-fish, namby-pamby, pansy, panty-waist, pushover, wimp, or wuss.

8. Voce

This is actually the completion of Caesar’s famous Veni, Vidi, Vici statement, meaning “I came, I saw, I conquered.”  This means, “I brag about it!”

9. Vagary

This is homeless people living in abandoned buildings, empty fields, and under bridges.  I feel sorry for them, but it’s a growth industry.  I blame bureaucrats.  They claim that they are throwing money at the problem, but they ensure that a lot of it sticks to their salary – their department – their staff.  😮

10. Verbose

It’s a sugar that is produced by the over-use of action words.  It tastes like Library.

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Fibbing Friday #300

Pensitivity101 had Double Acts last week………….. or were they? That’s up to you!

1. Who were Lennon and McCartney?

They were the proprietors of a small Hair Care and Mechanical Shop in Folkestone, the English entrance/exit city to the Chunnel.  Lennon repaired lawn mowers, and McCartney gave shampoos and scalp massages.

2. Who were Torville and Dean?

A pair who became friends, and graduated from law school together.  They went to California, and decided to specialize in divorce law, just in time to acquire the Elizabeth Taylor franchise.  She introduced them to Richard Burton.  After meeting Larry king at one of their parties, they expanded the firm, hired Remington Steele as their investigator, and retired, multimillionaires.

3. Who were Tom and Jerry?

Tom was the Thanksgiving turkey that the big fat turkey Donald Trump pardoned.  Jerry was the White House chef who was willing to put away the sharpened hatchet, until The Donald told him that he will be leading the invasion of Greenland.

4. Who were Dumb and Dumber?

Aww…  C’mon!  Did you really have to ask?

5. Who were Little and Large?

They were the non-identical twins who used to do the Before and After telly adverts for Jenny Craig.

6. Who were Hinge and Bracket?

They were a precision joinery firm with a Royal License to produce small, ornamented chests, suitable for storing jewelery – and flash drives with Epstein files on them.

7. Who were Rodgers and Hammerstein?

A small, niche, manufacturing firm that specializes in blacksmith tools and equipment.

8. Who were Laurel and Hardy?

Laurel and Hardy are that lovely couple that run the very nice bed and breakfast near the Art District.

9. Who were Calvin and Hobbes?

They were the operators of a local bakery.  Their Mariannes, Chelsea buns, and éclairs were to die for – or from.  They baked real, sandwich-making bread that Americans didn’t recognize or understand, since their bread has as much sugar as a dozen honey-dipped doughnuts.

10. Who were Barbie and Ken?

This is the new slang term to indicate a Karen and Darren couple who go a step beyond.  I may nominate my neighbors.

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Fibbing Friday #290

It was Halloween last week, and Pensitivity101 was recycling Frank’s questions from 2021.  Sadly his original post is no longer available.

1. Why does garlic repel vampires?

Because they originated in Eastern Europe.  If they had come from France or Italy, they would be coated with pesto or pasta sauce.

2. What do you need to kill a werewolf?

A long, rousing Donald Trump speech.  Sometimes they are so frightened by a surrounding sea of MAGA hats, that they will impale themselves on a stake.

3. What is the purpose of a Jack-o-lantern?

Pumpkin pie, pumpkin muffins, pumpkin pancakes

4. What exactly is a ghoul?

The slowly dissipating remains of a well-intentioned New Year resolution

5. Why can’t vampires enter a home unless invited?

Because their mother is Etta Kett, better known as Miss Manners

6. Why can’t vampires cross running water?

Because they can’t shuffle along at more than a walking pace

7. What does a Chupacabra eat?

Nacho chips with ghost-pepper salsa

8. What is the name of the three-headed dog that guards the gates of the underworld?

Larry/Curly/Moe

9. Who are the Stygian Witches?

The known-to-police neighbor and her sister.  At least it’s handy seeing all the mortal sins gathered in one spot.

10. What alcoholic beverage is thought to be the true origin of witches’ brew?

I thought that it was mead, to sweeten those sour bitches witches up.
The daughter says that it’s One pint of ale, one shot of distilled liquor of choice (mead, whiskey, brandy, etc), one shot of magic mushroom tea, and a healthy dollop of superstition!
The son claims that it was home-distilled white lightnin’, so that they could dance to the light of the silvery moonshine.

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Fibbing Friday #283

Pensitivity101 said that these are characters in pantos or animated movies, but who would you nominate for the role (fictitious or real person)

1.Widow Twanky

Sounds like a Country/Western wife, who lost a husband to an overdose of banjo.

2. Buttons.

Buttons??  I thought it said Buffoons!!  Almost any male in the local Mennonite community – because the females are silent and obedient – especially the clan elders.  Through Theological hair-splitting, they have determined that cell phones and Wi-Fi tablets are acceptable, because they are not physically attached to the secular word, but zippers on the front of trousers are the Devil’s tool.

3. Cinders.

That’s the new sobriquet being applied to Donald Trump, because the jobs and careers of so many people like Steven Colbert and Jimmy Kimmel are going down in flames caused by his unlawful commands and demands.

4. The Beast.

Rosie O’Donnell  She’s the only one with the balls to tell Cheeto-Head Trump to stuff it.

5. Gru.

Two examples of a young English rose dare each other to visit a nudist camp.  Soon after they arrive, a studly male specimen walks past.  “Ooh, that’s gruesome, inn’t” coos one of them.  “I sure hope so.” responds the other.

6. Cruella de Vil

I was going to pull a name out of a hat, from a long list of female American politicians, with Marjorie Taylor Greene leading the field.  I realized that not one of them has enough brains to actually be cruel.  It’s all stupidity, egotism, and unintended collateral damage.

7. The Fairy Godmother

Duh-Wayne – The Rock – Johnson  He played The Tooth Fairy a couple of years ago, but got a promotion.

8. Abanazar.

He’s the penny-pincher without the conviction of his beliefs, in that stupid, saccharine, colorized, Christmas Carol movie, where you can see the cameraman in the mirror, if you watch closely.

9. Carabosse

He’s a Mexican sheriff, in charge of administering justice, who throws petty criminals into his calaboose.

10. King/Queen Rat.

We can’t blame Trump for everything.  The Hell we can’t!!  Even some of his strongest former supporters are jumping ship, now that they’ve realized what a walking disaster area he is.  C’mon everybody – all together – tell him he’s number one.

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Fibbing Friday #277

These are funny phrases that Pensitivity101 found on the internet and I admit we have no idea who said them, so who would you suggest as the speaker?

When I read this list, I found that so many of them seemed to point directly at me, I worried that the wife had installed a nanny-camera in my computer room.  (Note to self – Clear browser history every day!)

1. I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.

I’m not always right, but I’m never wrong.

2. My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.

Then I file it all under P for Procrastination.  Nagging Reminding is what I have a wife for.

3. My diet plan: make all of my friends cupcakes, the fatter they get, the thinner I look.

During the heat wave, the kids up the street came down just to sit in my shade.

4. My wallet is like an onion. When I open it, it makes me cry.

Apparently, I must have accidently switched wallets with the Invisible Man at the gym.  I got all his invisible bank-notes.

5. You never realize what you have until it’s gone. Toilet paper is a good example.

He was gone for a while, but not long enough.  Now he’s back.  I print a few copies of his face on my Brother Copier, and use them.  They’re almost as much a pain in the ass as the real thing.

6. Chocolate doesn’t ask silly questions, chocolate understands.

Chocolate says nothing – unlike the women in my office.  With them, silence is not golden.  It’s a vague, distant memory.

7. I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

It somehow also bleached my black hair white.  My morning hairstyle looks like a Costco swirly vanilla soft-serve cone.

8. My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch… I call it lunch.

I lunge toward the all-you-can-eat taco buffet, and crunch until I lapse into a salsa coma.

9. Whoever said nothing is impossible has never tried slamming a revolving door.

Chuck Norris is the only guy who ever did it, but the tornado that I spun up, leaving the insurance company’s Customer Service department, crossed three counties.

10. I don’t sweat, I sparkle.

I thought it was an Eskimo, coming out of an exercise gym in Nome, Alaska, but the daughter insists that it’s Richard Simmons!!!  He was the biggest sparkler of all time.  What with all that sweating to the oldies and his perky personality!

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From The Mouths Of Babes

I took the grandson and great-grandson out for a short automobile drive.  We followed the above vehicle for a little while.  When I took them back home, the great-grandson told his mother, “I saw America’s butthole today.”

I said, “I saw America’s butthole, too.  He was standing between Vance, and Elon Musk.”

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Fibbing Friday #275

Pensitivity101’s theme last week was What’s in a Name.

The following are all nicknames for celebrities but who or what would you suggest they could be?

1. Nitro

He’s the Pain-Free dentist in the local plaza, who offers “laughing gas” anesthetic.  His office is right next to the cannabis dispensary.  It’s a hApPy neighborhood.

2. Skinny Legs

Melania Trump.  I assume she gets a bulk discount on Ozempic.  When she turns sideways, she disappears, except for the package shelf.  She has to keep moving to cast a shadow.  She once swallowed a martini olive whole, and The Donald accused her of cheating.

3. Iron

She’s the one you pay extra for service, at the BDSM studio – you naughty boy.

4. Mailman

That’s the guy that works with metal rings to make up chainmail pieces.  There are also Mailwomen too!
They make some serious amazing stuff….

5. BoJo

The guy with the original short form label…  Mister Bo Jangles!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KKm_EgDI_-E

6. Teflon Tony

Silicone is passé in cosmetic surgery.  He’s the transgender doctor who specializes in turning boys into girls, and verse vica.

7. Iron Lady

Any local Mennonite housewife.  It’s not my fault that they won’t buy wrinkle-free farm shirts.

8. J.Lo

Late night talk show host Jay Leno

9. Smokin’

My co-worker asked me, “Does your wife smoke after sex?”  I replied, “Not quite!”

10. Bottler Brown

My uncle Rusty Melvin, finally got tired of the long, drag home from the local pub.  He now pays a special cartage service to deliver cases of dark Newcastle Ale to his cottage.  He says it saves on the fist fights, and DWI and public drunkenness fines.

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Patriotic Duty

Donald Trump has managed to do something that no other politician – domestic or foreign – has ever done.  He has instilled a sense of National Pride in normally blasé Canadians.  He put some lead in our pencils – some backbone in our spine.  He has become the focus of Canadian, and Canadians’, distaste – even hatred.

The echoes of his voice, threatening to annex Canada had hardly faded, when tee-shirts were offered online, that read, CANADA IS NOT FOR SALE! and WE’RE #1 – NOT # 51!  Signs and notices have gone up everywhere.  Companies, businesses, and influential Canucks are urging citizens to Buy Local, Buy Canadian, and Boycott Trump.

Clutch.ca, an online, used-car trader, is busy assuring everyone that they are strictly Canadian, and not a tentacle of an American conglomerate.  Roadhouse/bar, Montana’s boasts that they have been Proudly Canadian for 30 Years.  It might not have been so critical if they’d been named Alberta’s, although that sounds like an Italian spaghetti joint.

Stores, especially groceries, are festooned with little, red, Maple Leaf tags and stickers, telling shoppers which goods are produced in Canada.  Canadians are only polite for so long.  That line may have been reached.  To Have And To Hold!  If Trump tries to go ahead with his hopes and plans for Canada, he may find that both of those are far more difficult than he ever imagined.  Captain Canuck, and all his Canuckleheads will give businessman Trump, the business.