Author Archives

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’26 A To Z Challenge – A

The Advent Of
Archon

The basis of my Archon alias is lost in the mists of history – literally.  My Grade 11 Greek history text had a story about the king of Sparta dying in battle.  His only son was just 12 years old, and the law insisted that he had to be 18 to assume rule.  Seven of the king’s closest friends and advisors formed a group of mentors called The Archons, who protected and trained him until he became of age.

That seemed to be the type of person I wanted to be, so I dragged the term with me through my life, applying it here and there, instead of my all-too-common and easily-confused real name.  When I registered with LinkedIn, it was as The Sage.

Later, I found that the term and concept also applied to other, and older, situations, especially among the fervently religious.  The name comes from the Greek, Arch – first, most powerful, most important.  My Bible with a concordance, says that there are 13 references to Archons, but they all speak of clan elders, city rulers, or chief Rabbis.  I cannot find the word Archon in the Bible.

Opinions are like assholes – everybody’s got one.  Some of the more-zealous Bible-thumpers think/believe that the Archons were the Nephilim – the giants who lived on the Earth before man was created.  Other equally-gullible convinced, feel that they are the seven arch-angels.  Another – just-as-sure and just-as-wrong – group insists that they are the seven major demons.  I found this bunch when I made negative comments on Christian blog-posts, and had them dismissed because I was obviously an agent of Satan.

There is only one Archon©™, accept no substitutes.  My super-hero name is much better than my secret identity.  Under it, I have had a paroled convict check in by phone – at 2 AM.  We finally listed the phone under the wife’s initials.  It helps sort out the scammers who want to talk to MR. J. T. Smith.

A teacher at the local Community College where I once attended, and worked for three months as a substitute teacher, has the same name.  I’ve been sued because a contractor from 50 miles away, cut down a tree to build a house further up my street.  I’ve been threatened – by phone – because somebody’s transmission fell apart.  The bank bounced three rent checks, because they couldn’t keep two accounts straight.  I got someone else’s dental anesthetic – and then I got my own, and my face fell off for the rest of the day.  Recently, I received mail for a guy who lives four miles away, in a different voting district.  I’m trying to find how the sender got my address.

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Heroic Fibbing Friday

Last week, Pensitivity101 wanted to know What Fibs or Wannabees could we come with for these ‘Heroes’?

1. Who were the Dynamic Duo?

Laverne and Shirley

2. Who was Peter Parker?

The automobile-lot attendant at the fancy hotel downtown

3. Who was Diana Prince?

The pretty girl who married Mad King Chuckles Charles

4. Who were The Fantastic Four?

Kim and Khloé Kardashian, and their half-sisters, Kendall and Kylie Jenner, who have done some of their best work on their backs, under black men

5. Who was Robert Bruce Banner?

He’s the guy who invented the advertising scroll at the bottom of your computer screen.

6. Who was Linda Lang?

Her real name was Bella Bates, and she helped the developers of Superman with character names.  She wrote herself into the story as Linda Lang, younger sister of Lana Lang, Superboy’s girlfriend.  Then she created Lois Lane, and Lex Luthor.  Later, she switched from L to K, and helped Mama Kardashian name her five daughters.

7. Who was Selina Kyle?

She’s the Krazy Kat Lady who lives down the street, and steals garden gnomes and wind chimes.

8. Who was Kent Allard?

He was the Frenchman who wasn’t fast enough – or smart enough – to catch a cow, and first thought that eating snails with garlic sauce was a good idea.

9. Who was Cliff Secord?

Chief chocolatier for his sister Laura

10. Who was Matt Murdoch?

Under the sobriquet “Howling-Mad Murdoch,” he was a member of The A-Team.

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Blog Prompt 6-7/8ths

Scour the news for an entirely uninteresting story. Consider how it connects to your life. Write about that.

This prompt reads like it was composed by a Taylor Swift fan, or a MAGA hat speech attendee.  If it is entirely uninteresting, how could it possibly connect to my life??  Okay, here goes….

Back in January of last year, an ostrich farm in British Columbia had three or four of their flock die because of avian flu.  The owners destroyed the diseased birds, and there was no further indication of infection.  Around the first of August, the inappropriate government agency, working at the breakneck speed of smell, notified them that they had to euthanize the balance of a 3000-bird flock.  Appeal is still pending.

Watch how I string this together, like beads on a necklace.

I have attended several Renaissance Faires.  One of the few, historically-accurate foods sold, are entire, roast, turkey legs.  One of those will keep a normal adult male busy all afternoon – or a hyperactive kid about ten minutes.

Vendors would need larger roasters/smokers, and the captive-audience price could break the food budget, but a whole, roast ostrich leg could feed a family of four or five.

I had one emu burger at a French-fry wagon.  It tasted like chicken – ‘cause everything tastes like chicken –at twice the price.

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Knowledgeable One-Liners

My poor knowledge of Greek mythology….
….has always been my Achilles elbow.

There’s a warrant out for the Invisible Man….
….The charge is failure to appear.

Why are iPhone chargers….
….not called apple juice?

If it wasn’t for alcohol and vaginas….
….I’d be a millionaire by now.

Someone asked me what I knew about Bonsai trees….
….I replied, “Very little.”

I’m very good at gift shopping….
….for myself.

My grandpa was illiterate….
….so I don’t know if this Ouija board is working or not.

I love French fry trucks….
….but I don’t trust restaurants with a getaway plan.

Your driving gives….
….my middle finger an erection.

You don’t have to agree with me….
….I can’t force you to be right.

A will is just….
….a dead giveaway.

Chuck Norris once frightened….
….irrational numbers into becoming rational.

I’m writing a book about beer….
….I’m on my fourth draft.

A cow, a pig, and a chicken walk into a Barbecue….
….The End!

An erection is not considered….
….personal growth.

Neil Diamond used to be Neil Coal….
….until the pressure got to him.

After my girlfriend died, I didn’t go outside for five years….
….but I’m released from prison now.

Thanx for explaining the word copious to me….
….It means a lot.

CAUTION! Chocolate will….
….make your clothes shrink.

Why do blurry people….
….always ask me if I’m drunk?

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Fibbing Friday #311

Mixed batch from Pensitivity101 last week, not all Easter related I might add!

1. Why do we have Easter Eggs?

Because we haven’t got a rise in our government retirement pension, and have to cheaply console ourselves somehow

2. What makes a Hot Cross Bun?

When the wife leaves her coffee mug warmer on my easy chair

3. Why do we have a bunny at Easter?

Because we’re getting older, and can’t eat an entire turkey, or ham

4. In which country did the Easter Bunny originate?

In a little Duchy that no longer exists, called Hopbrauberg.  It was between what became Germany, and Switzerland.  That’s why its national animal is still reproduced in chocolate.

5. How many decorative balls are conventionally on a Simnel cake?

I don’t care how decorative you think they are, pull your damned trousers up.

6.  What is a can?

The pisser in a disreputable pub

7.  What is a can-can?

Two pissers in a disreputable pub with pretentions of adequacy – one for both sexes – setters and pointers – but they’re both so small that the cockroaches are hunchbacked

8.  What is a cantaloupe?

It’s the new, hot, genetically-engineered pet.  It looks like a deer, but it’s the size of a Corgi.

9.  What is a canister?

It’s the honey-wagon company that empties the Port-A-Potties in the park.  Their trucks have a sign.
We empty cesspits
We fill swimming pools.
NOT THE SAME TRUCK

  1. What is a candelabra?

An over-shoulder-boulder-holder with mood lighting

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’25 A To Z Challenge – Z

This is the final episode of the 2025 A To Z Challenge.  I wanted to end the series with a bang, but this is what has become the standard, two-days-late, so I can’t do that.  Besides, it’s almost impossible, with a word beginning with Z.  I don’t want to go out with a whine.  I do enough of that without a challenge, so I decided to go out with a

ZHUZH

To make something more stylish, lively, or attractive:

It comes from a language/dialect known as Polari, originating in the mid-1800’s British theater workers, or gay community – often the same thing.

I’ve written about Polari before.  I finally, actually, saw/heard the word Zhuzh used, in a YouTube short.  We went to a party store, and bought a bunch of decorations to Zhuzh up the apartment for Christmas and New Years.  It sounds as gay as it looks.  I will not be using it in conversations or blog-posts – any more!

Some more (hopefully) humorous fibs will be coming up on Friday.  Hope to see you then.  😀

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Pretty Little Snowflake

Canadian snowflakes are flakier than Americans snowflakes.  I can prove it.

It all began on a warm, sunny, Southern-Ontario, summer day.  One, of Canada’s answers to American First-Amendment auditors, put on a floppy hat, a large pair of dark sunglasses, pulled his Covid mask up over his nose, grabbed his expensive electronic recording equipment, and went to a nearby plaza.  There, he stood outside, on the public sidewalk, and recorded cars going through a Tim Horton’s coffee-shop drive-thru lane.

The 18-year-old, female drive-thru server was just terrified by this apparition.  She did not contact plaza management.  She did not notify plaza security.  She did not voice her concerns to her own manager.  She just called 911.  Two police officers soon arrived.  They had a quick look.  They asked a couple of questions.  They shook the cammer’s hand, and went into the coffee shop to assure staff and patrons that there was no danger, and that everything was legal, and left.

But they didn’t make the big, bad man go away, so she did what every Entitled Princess-In-Training would do – she called her Mommy and Daddy.  They arrived, and confronted the photographer.  Mrs. Entitled immediately went into full harpy mode – screaming, yelling, demanding, ordering, insulting, and ending by, live and online, accusing the cameraman of being a pervert and a pedophile.

When the cammer stood his ground, Mr. Entitled aggressively pushed him in the chest three times, the last one almost driving him into the path of a car exiting the plaza.  He then violently swatted the recording equipment away, breaking the support frame, and smashing the camera against a passing car.  THEN THEY CALLED THE POLICE.

The cammer was able to show the responding officer video footage from a body-camera, and was close enough to record the Entitleds’ report.  Mr. Entitled was quiet, but his wife was still in full rant mode.
He’s a pervert, and a pedophile, recording a minor!
The daughter you just told me was 18??
Well, he made death threats!
Do you have any recorded proof of that, or corroborating witness?
No, but just look at him.

They were just astounded at what their little snit earned them.  Mrs. Entitled was charged with improper use of an emergency system, filing a false police report, public mischief, and a civil charge with litigation, for defamation of character and malicious libel.

Daddy Dearest got four separate charges of felonious assault, one of reckless endangerment, two of destruction of property, and two civil suits for repair/replacement of the destroyed video camera, and the unfortunate, innocent, passerby-driver’s car.  This pampered little nut didn’t fall far from the dotty doting parent trees.

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Fibbing Friday #310

Pensitivity101 was recycling her questions from July 2021, last week. What did I make of these? But I repeat myself.

1. What is a skiff?

It’s what I – and a bunch of other old geezers – have left on the top of our heads.  First it turned white from fright.  Now it’s leaving me faster than my schoolmates, on the obituary page.

2. What is a liner?

That’s the magic potion that’s mentioned in the online advert that says, Ladies, if you are over 40, this is the cosmetic that you should use, to draw attention away from the fact that you have the skin tone of a Sultana raisin.

3. What is a ferry?

It’s one of those self-deluded psychotics who dress up in fuzzy costumes, and believe that their ‘spirit animal’ is Fawzi Bear.

4. What is a destroyer?

A toddler on a mission to play with every toy (and non-toy) in the house!

5. What is a cruiser?

He’s a handsome, dashing young fellow who provides assistance and crowd control at roller-skating rinks..  Now that it’s making a comeback – at least in my area – I may have a new hobby/part—time job, in my retirement.  I’ll discuss it with my therapist.

6. What is a galleon?

It is the amount of gasoline/petrol that you get at the pumps these days for Antonio’s my pound of flesh.

7. What is a pedlow?

The name of Jeffrey Epstein’s estate, on his getaway island.

8. What is a kayak?

An indecisive ditherer, who is not sure if they are coming or going.

9. What is a schooner?

A glass tanker tankard of rich, October ale, that sails down the pub bar-top, and docks in front of me.

10. What is a coracle?

A method of birth-control used by Eskimos.  I just use my looks and personality.

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Doctor!  Doctor!

This growing old shit is not for the faint of heart.  Even just Stayin’ Alive can become a full-time job.  I recently read a post from a young woman who complained that she had two doctors’ appointments in one day – and then she went for a workout at the gym.  It is possible, but not likely, that they were both with the same doctor.

Damned amateur!!  For those whose idea of excitement is perusing a long list of medical appointments and whines – Read on Mac Duff!

MONDAY – The worst
I took the wife to see her GP.  I insist on using that term.  Clinics and medical labs use the term ‘Family doctor.’  She has one.  The son and I have another.  They both treat “Families,” just not this family.  This visit was not medical.  It was administrative.
The polyp in her duodenum that was removed two years ago, has regrown.  We hadn’t heard anything from the specialist in Toronto who was going to operate, until we got a Sayonara Suckers email from him, telling us that he’s moving to Vancouver to practice.  Since it’s been precisely located and identified, the less-than-specialist in Cambridge feels that he can handle it.  We await an appointment.

Her dentist found a lesion on one side of the wife’s tongue.  A local Oral Surgeon snipped out enough for three stitches, and a biopsy.  It might have been Hyperkeratosis, a callus-like thickening of tissue.  (Insert shrewish housewife joke here.)  It was Dysplasia, a modification of cells that isn’t, but could become, cancer.
We were sent 75 miles to an Oro/Fascia/Maxillary Surgeon.  He felt that it extended too far back into the throat and ligament, and suggested an ENT.  The GP referred the wife to a local one who is probably the best in the Province.  We hadn’t got an appointment, so we asked the doctor to check.  The computer file showed that the ENT had declined, because his wait-list is 4 years.  He suggested 3 or 4 other names.  The GP wanted to know, if she couldn’t contact a local one, would we be willing to travel 75 miles east again, to Hamilton, or 75 miles West, to London.  As long as somebody does something, soon.

TUESDAY
We both had an appointment with our new Osteopath, because our last one decided to practice from her home, 20 miles away.

WEDNESDAY

We both had appointments with our Optometrist.  They already had to be delayed and rescheduled three weeks later.  The wife had her lenses with cataracts removed, and new, plastic lenses inserted about six months ago.  An emergency visit later showed that, as often happens, not all the organic matter was flushed out of the sacs, and it combined and grew like ivy, clouding her vision.  Only last week, she spent a half a day at the hospital, having it burned out with a laser.  Both her sight and mine are better than they were a year ago.

THURSDAY

Both the wife and daughter put their best foot forward, and I took them to their Podiatrist.

FRIDAY

It was the car’s turn for a service visit at the dealer.  The son dropped it off at 8:00 AM after work, and was Uber-ed home.  It was both his, and the driver’s, first Uber trip.  I was Uber-ed back to pick it up in the afternoon.  I have ridden in a few electric cars, although not a Tesla, yet.  Even including Toronto taxis, this was my first ride with a dash cam – front-facing, cabin and audio.

The week was so busy that neither of us had time for a workout at the gym.   😳

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Meet-Less Humor

Meet My Lazy Co-Workers

Cordless – only works for two hours.
E.T. – always wants to go home.
Kit-Kat – always taking a break.
Muffler – always exhausted.
Seaweed – just floats around all day.
Sensor Light – only works when someone walks past.
Wheelbarrow – only works when pushed.

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My parents spanked me as a child.  As a result, I now suffer from a psychological condition called “Respect for others.”

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DON’T MESS WITH ME!
I’m a
Wooden spoon
Lead Paint
No car seat
No bike helmet
Pickup bed ridin’
Garden hose drinkin’
SURVIVOR

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My ducks are definitely not in a row.  I don’t know where some of them are, and I think that one of them is a pigeon.

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WARNING

Visitors with no sense of humor are advised to turn back now.
Management is not responsible for any damage to feelings.

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At this point Jesus doesn’t need to take the wheel.  He should just pull over and spank some of you with his sandal.

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A man loses three fingers in an industrial accident.  At the hospital, he asks the doctor, “Will I still be able to drive with this hand?”
The doctor replies, “Possibly, but I wouldn’t count on it.”

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Eyelashes are supposed to keep things from going in your eyes.  But every time I get something in my eye, it’s an eyelash.
That’s eyeronic.