Tag Archives: parking

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Heroic Fibbing Friday

Last week, Pensitivity101 wanted to know What Fibs or Wannabees could we come with for these ‘Heroes’?

1. Who were the Dynamic Duo?

Laverne and Shirley

2. Who was Peter Parker?

The automobile-lot attendant at the fancy hotel downtown

3. Who was Diana Prince?

The pretty girl who married Mad King Chuckles Charles

4. Who were The Fantastic Four?

Kim and Khloé Kardashian, and their half-sisters, Kendall and Kylie Jenner, who have done some of their best work on their backs, under black men

5. Who was Robert Bruce Banner?

He’s the guy who invented the advertising scroll at the bottom of your computer screen.

6. Who was Linda Lang?

Her real name was Bella Bates, and she helped the developers of Superman with character names.  She wrote herself into the story as Linda Lang, younger sister of Lana Lang, Superboy’s girlfriend.  Then she created Lois Lane, and Lex Luthor.  Later, she switched from L to K, and helped Mama Kardashian name her five daughters.

7. Who was Selina Kyle?

She’s the Krazy Kat Lady who lives down the street, and steals garden gnomes and wind chimes.

8. Who was Kent Allard?

He was the Frenchman who wasn’t fast enough – or smart enough – to catch a cow, and first thought that eating snails with garlic sauce was a good idea.

9. Who was Cliff Secord?

Chief chocolatier for his sister Laura

10. Who was Matt Murdoch?

Under the sobriquet “Howling-Mad Murdoch,” he was a member of The A-Team.

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Consensual Comedy

A guy moves into a new apartment in New York and heads to the lobby to put his name on the mailbox.

As he’s doing so, a stunning young woman steps out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing nothing but a robe.

She flashes him a warm smile and strikes up a conversation. As they chat, her robe slowly slips open, revealing that she’s wearing absolutely nothing underneath.

The poor guy starts sweating bullets, struggling to keep eye contact.

After a few minutes, she gently places a hand on his arm and whispers, “Let’s go inside—I hear someone coming…”

Without hesitation, he follows her into the apartment. She closes the door, leans against it, and with a sultry look, lets the robe fall completely open.

“Tell me,” she purrs, “what would you say is my best feature?”

The guy, now a nervous wreck, stammers, clears his throat, and finally blurts out, “Uh… your ears!”

She looks absolutely baffled. “My ears?! Look at these boobs—perky, natural, no sag! My butt? Firm, flawless, zero cellulite! My skin? Perfect, no blemishes! Out of everything, WHY would you say my ears?!”

Still flustered, he clears his throat again and mutters, “Because… when you said you heard someone coming… that was me.”

***

A Scotsman and a Jew were brought before the Magistrate charged with drunkenness.

The Magistrate looked at them intently for a time, and then asked, “Where is the other man?“

***

So God is chilling up in heaven…..
And he wants to go down to Earth and see how things are going. But he can’t just go down to Earth, that would cause the rapture.
So he calls up St. Peter and asks him to go do some recon on his behalf. St. Peter does as he’s told, takes off, and comes back 2 weeks later.
“God… I don’t know how to say this but it’s terrible down there. Absolutely terrible.”
“Really?” God responds.
“Well for starters 90% of the people down there don’t know how to park a car correctly” St. Peter says.
“Stop right there.” God proclaims. “We need to fix THAT issue right now.”
So they brainstorm for a bit and God goes “I got it! We will make a plaque, and we will give it to the 10% of people who know how to park”

And do you know what that plaque said??????

Oh, you didn’t get one?

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A mother vampire was explaining to her child how to feed.  “You find a suitable human and enthrall them, poke a couple of holes in them, and extract only 200 ml of blood.”
“But Momma, what if I’m still hungry?”
“Then find another human, and enthrall them, and extract only about 200 ml of blood.”
“But Momma, what if I’m still hungry?  Can’t I just take as much as I want?”
She replied, “Honey, we’re vampires, not lawyers.”

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A Picture Of Comedy

The nude model climbed up the ladder
As the painter, Titian, had bade her.
The position, to Titian
Suggested coition,
So he climbed up the ladder and had her.

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My desire to be well-informed, is currently in deep conflict with my need to remain sane.

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I found a magic lamp, and a genie gave me one wish.  I said, “I just want to be happy.”  So now, I’m living with six other guys and working in a mine.

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Beware of holiday scams out there.  I ordered some expensive jewelry for my wife, but instead they sent me a handgun and two boxes of ammo.

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A hillbilly couple with 9 children finally decide to get Bubba a vasectomy.  The doctor is willing to do it, but asks why, after 9 kids.  They explain that they heard that every 10th child in America is Mexican, and they don’t want to take a chance on having a Mexican child, because neither of them can speak Spanish.

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Long ago, when men cursed, and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.  Today, it’s called golf.

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Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business.  She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.  Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned, and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend, or deny the accusation. Instead, he said nothing.

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house, walked home, and left it there all night.

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Stop That

I regard the preservation of my constitutional rights to be far more important than someone else’s vague, undefined “upset.”

I occasionally watch YouTube videos posted by Civil Rights Auditors.  These are people who try to ensure honesty and transparency in interactions between civilians and all levels of Government, by recording and posting videos of politicians, civil servants, and police.

There is something about the presence of a video camera that drives some people crazy.  You can wander up to, or into, city halls, DMV offices, even police stations, wander around, staring at stuff, and no-one questions your presence.  Bring along a camcorder, or set your cell phone to record, and all Hell breaks loose.

In a recent video, a young man with a camera walked behind a police station, and wandered around the parking area.  Almost immediately, three young, white, male officers coalesced out of the ether – and the harassment, intimidation, and lies began.

What are you doing here?

Performing a Constitutionally-protected activity.

You can’t be here. You can’t record our vehicles!

The First Amendment says I can.

You’re trespassing!

I can’t be trespassed from public property unless I’ve committed a crime.

You’re acting suspicious!

The US Supreme Court has ruled that “suspicion” is not a crime.

This is private property!

This is County property, and obviously public.

This is a secure facility!

No fence, no gate, no signs.

Finally, it came – Give us your ID!

I don’t have to provide identification unless I’ve been lawfully detained.  Please give a reasonable, articulable suspicion of a specific crime.

The debate raged for about ten minutes, until an older Captain was called out, and reluctantly admitted that all the claims and demands were false.  As the cammer was exiting the parking lot, he was passed by another officer in a cruiser.  He yelled at the officer, “You’re not wearing a seatbelt.  Obey the law!  Put on your seatbelt.”

I know what he was doing, and why, and I commend him for it.  He was trying to ensure that Police Officers obey the same laws that the rest of us have to obey.

Here is where I insert my usual –HOWEVER!

Almost every jurisdiction I am aware of – US States, Canadian Provinces – have ‘exception clauses’ in their seatbelt legislation, to cover certain class(es) of vehicles.  “Any vehicle where there is a requirement for rapid and/or repetitive exits.  The list shall include, but not be limited to: garbage trucks, fire trucks, police, ambulances, taxis, delivery vehicles, and public transit.

No subway riders, or bus riders, wear seatbelts, although the bus drivers usually, wisely, do.  For no obvious reason, about a year ago, there was a local, public kerfuffle.  If we have to wear seatbelts in our cars, shouldn’t children wear seatbelts in their school buses? Shouldn’t our kids be safe??  It finally died away, after an automotive engineer published an article.

School buses are designed and built with what engineers call “Egg Crating.”  The backs of the seats are high enough, strong enough, and flexible enough, to control and dissipate forward momentum.  They also slope backward, to further absorb and deflect the energy of ejected students, downward.  In the event of a real emergency, like a fire after a collision, there is not enough time or space to unlatch or cut off seatbelts from 30 panicked youngsters.

I’m gonna stop here for now, and go have a belt.  See you in a couple of days.

 

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A Medial Examination Of Socio-Economic Disparities

I just got back from a stay at a $500/night hotel, and Boy, is my wallet tired!  I was definitely out of my cultural and financial depth.  Even the serving staff looked down on us.

The wife was told to report to a Toronto hospital at 6:15 AM for her surgery.  It was either start driving from home at 4 AM, or find a nearby hotel/motel.  Since the surgery could possibly reveal cancer, this might be her/our last hurrah.  This was her little adventure, so she wanted to do the booking.  (Shoulda looked over her shoulder)

She called Trivago, to book a three-day stay at a nearer, less-expensive hotel, but they could only provide two nights.  With that “Two-Day” thought in mind, the clerk offered her a $1000+, 5-star booking.  The wife saw- arrive on the 14th, stay the 15th, check out the 16th, “That’s three days, right?”  It wasn’t till I couldn’t get back into the room on the third day, that I found that I had to pony up another $500, toot de sweet, or not be allowed to recover our belongings or rest my weary head.  And then, the snotty little night manager had the nerve to complain that the digits on my credit card didn’t match the digits on the wife’s card when she made the original reservation, and demanded photo ID.

For that rate, I thought that some of the amenities would be included, but I guess they feel that, if you can afford it, you can just keep on paying.  They charged $32/day to park in their underground garage.  The ‘not-in-downtown’ hospital charged $15.50 daily max.  The best bargain was the $2/can for vending machine Pepsi.  The hospital charged their captive audience $2.50/can, and some of the machines did not accept cash – bills or coins.  Tap the app, or go thirsty.

The first night, we ate in the basement restaurant.  Judicious ordering kept the total down to $90, including tip, for two people.  We would spend that at a Kelsey’s or The Pickle Barrel.  I didn’t want the little $13 glass of white wine, or the $19 whiskey cocktail.  We each got a glass of ice water.  I asked if they had soft drinks.  I ordered Pepsi, and the wife got iced tea.  The waiter brought two more stemmed goblets full of ice, and a can of Pepsi, and a can of Nestea.

Later, in the room, the wife commented that, “Those drinks were expensive,  $5.00!”  I replied, “That’s not bad – $2.50 apiece.  That’s what the vending machines at the hospital charge.”  “No, no, they were $5/apiece!”  And we had to crack and pour them ourselves.  😛

If you didn’t want to crawl out of bed, and join the hoi polloi, you could phone in an order for breakfast from the grill, and have it delivered to your room.  Again, I could not justify an $18 omelet, or a $10 bowl of oatmeal.  The literature said that there was a breakfast buffet where we’d eaten supper.  We both assumed that it was complementary.  I got off the elevator to see a sign which read, “Breakfast Buffet – $30.  Hot chocolate and a fruit Danish from the hospital cafeteria cost a lot less than that.

When I (finally) checked out, the room clerk wanted to know how I had enjoyed my stay.  I had to be very circumspect and non-committal.  Educational and enlightening.  I’ve been treated better, and provided with a free, Continental breakfast at places that charge $125/night.  Even with a huge Lottery win, I can’t imagine ever going back.  I stayed there my brother’s “twice” – the first time, and the last time.  I’m just gonna stomp the dust off my shit-kicker boots, and drive on up the street to the Days Inn.

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Flash Fiction #290

PHOTO PROMPT © Brenda Cox

PARIS WHEN IT SIZZLES

I have the best anti-car-theft system.  I bought the world’s ugliest car.  Guys with BMWs won’t even park on the same block, lest parts fall off and hit their cars.

I combat Global Warming by installing an electric engine, but I can’t find an extension cord long enough to get to work, and out-of-town trips are impossible.

I ran it on flashlight batteries for a while, but cleaned out local suppliers.  Plus, there was the detour going home, to drop dead ones at the recycle center.

I added a Honda gasoline generator to charge the batteries.  Now it’s an eco-hybrid.

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If you’d like to join in on the Friday Fictioneers fun, just go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site, and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100-word story.

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WOW #72

I just have an irresistible urge to tell you about my new dog.  He’s a cute little thing.  He’s a registered Greek sheep-herding dog.  He doesn’t empty his bladder or his bowels in the house, but he does wander around shedding excess vowels all over the floor. We call him

Cacoethes.

His name is from the Greek language, meaning an irresistible urge – mania.  It originally meant of bad character – caco – ethos.  I’m the bad character that he has to deal with.

I’m using him to ride herd on a bunch of other Greek terms that came in through the back door, into the English language – words like cacophony – which is a loud, disagreeable noise – or euphony, which is a lovely sound, like a teller counting out $50 bills for you – or euphemism, which is a pleasant word or phrase, substituted for a harsh or offensive one – or utopia – which means a pleasant or perfect place, but who parked too close to the dictionary, and got its initial letter E knocked off – or Phi Beta Kappa – which means a loud obnoxious frat keg toga party.  It doesn’t matter.  It’s all hyperbole, anyway.

I have found a euphemism being used by (those who wouldn’t say s**t if they had a mouthful) people of delicate sensibilities, but who don’t seem to understand either English or Greek.  The phrase “fucked the dog” means idled, lazed, shirked work or other responsibility.  It is being replaced, even by some reputable authors, with the supposedly less offensive, “screwed the pooch”, but which means erred, or messed up, particularly at a significant junction.  Not the same thing at all.

My dog’s an alpha.  If there’s any screwing going on, he’s the one doing it.  Some of those sheep have a worried look.  I’m not worried.  I look forward to having you visit and read again soon.  😀

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Flash Fiction #256

PHOTO PROMPT © Liz Young

CHRYSALIS

His parents wanted him to go to university, or at least a Community College to learn a trade.  They were just so tight, so restrictive, so controlling.  He burst free from their bondage and got himself a great job at 18, with his own income, and promise of advancement.

A month later, he was smart enough to see that it was just a clerical dead-end, and a barely legal pyramid scheme.  He was also smart enough to tell his parents, “You told me so.”  Let’s have a look at the course catalogue at Conestoga College.  I could become a welder.

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If you’d like to join the fun, go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.

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Hail To The Chief

In Texas there is a town called New Braunfels, where there is a large German-speaking population.

One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his hand to drink water from the rancher’s stock pond.

The rancher rolled down the window and shouted: “Sehr angenehm! Trink das Wasser nicht. Die kuehe haben darein geschissen.”

(This means: “Glad to meet you! Don’t drink the water. The cows have shat in it.”)

The man shouted back: “I’m from New York and just down here campaigning for Trump’s Presidential run. I can’t understand you. Please speak in English.”

The rancher replied: “Use both hands.”

***

tRump suffers from liabetes

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A couple were going to go on a vacation down South, but the wife had an emergency at her office. So they agreed that the husband would go as planned, and his wife would fly down and meet him at the hotel the next day.

When the husband got to the hotel and had checked in, he thought he should send his wife a quick email letting her know he’d got there OK.

As he typed in her email address, he made a typo and his message was sent to an elderly preacher’s wife instead.  It just so happened that her husband had sadly died the day before.

When the grieving old preacher’s wife checked her emails, she read the one from the vacationer, let out a piercing scream, and fainted on the floor.

At the sound of her falling, her family rushed into the room. They tended to her and then looked at her computer and saw this email on her screen:

Dearest,

Just checked in to my room. Everything is prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. It sure is hot down here.

***

Two cows are standing in a field.

The first cow says to the second, “Have you heard about this mad cow disease?  It makes cows go crazy and then they die”.

The second cow replies, “Good thing I‘m a helicopter.”

 ***

So all the animals all gathered and were having a party,

Everybody is drinking and talking and having a good time, suddenly a chameleon goes to the middle of the room, says, “Check this out” and starts changing color of his skin for a minute straight.

Once he’s done he says, “Let’s see any of you do the same”.

Suddenly an octopus appears from the crowd and says: “Hold my beer, hold my beer, hold my beer, hold my beer, hold my beer, hold my beer, hold my beer, hold my beer.”

***

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

Isaac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest.  Chickens in motion tend to cross the road.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road, or whether the road moved under the chicken, depends on your frame of reference.

Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.

Wolfgang Pauli: There was already a chicken on this side of the road.

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A beginner’s guide to physics

Relativity: When the family gets together
Black holes: What you get in black socks
Critical mass: A big group of film reviewers

Hyperspace: Where you park at the superstore

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“Take a pencil and paper,” the teacher said, “and write an essay with the title If I Were a Millionaire.” Everyone but Philip, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write furiously.

“What’s the matter,” the teacher asked. “Why don’t you begin?”

“I’m waiting for my secretary,” he replied.

***

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Flash Fiction #235

PHOTO PROMPT © CEAyr

YOU CAN’T GET THERE FROM HERE

How do you get to the K-W Oktoberfest Parade??!
Well, I wouldn’t start from here.

Summer road construction diversions were completed in time for the autumn detours.

Just go around the big COVID Obstruction, then straight through the Bicycle Virtue-Signalling Snafu, where 5000 traffic cones have produced cycling lanes, but reduced miles of four-lane major streets to two-lane parking lots.

Seating in beer tents will be every third chair, and special Pandemic masks, with little holes to drink beer through straws will be provided.

Extra test kits, and extra hospital staff, will be on hand.  Have fun, but stay safe.  👿

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I published a post some years ago, https://archonsden.wordpress.com/2012/07/30/you-cant-get-there-from-here/ with the above title, describing traffic problems on local streets, which were laid out by cattle, rather than surveyors.  The City has gotten bigger, but so have the traffic problems.

Last year, we had 700,000 people attend Oktoberfest in 9 days.  At this time, the 2020 Oktoberfest is still a go. with – what is hoped are – sufficient safeguards.  There will be no parade, and fest-halls will not be as crowded as elevators.  The Oktoberfest Committee seem to be hoping that COVID – rather than a chunk of the population – will be dead by Canadian Thanksgiving, or a vaccine available.

My home is out on the West side of town, so that prevailing winds should blow any infection away from me.  I’ve installed HEPA filters on the air intakes, and won’t be leaving the house for over a week.  😆

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Go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple https://rochellewisoff.com/ site and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.