Tag Archives: church

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Medical Humor

I’m not too keen on taking pills.  When my doctor prescribed some medication for high blood pressure, I asked if there were any side-effects.
He said, “Yes, longevity.”

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I’m pretty sure my body is not a temple.  It’s a haunted house.  It’s slowly falling apart.  It makes strange noises, and it’s inhabited by the spirit of an old guy who’s always mad at something.

My wife says I’m unsophisticated and uncultured so; to prove her wrong, guess where I’m taking her.
Hint: It starts with B, and rhymes with “wallet.”

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In one of my blog posts, my computer’s Auto-Correct changed ‘Joseph of Arimathea’ into “Joseph of Aroma Therapy!”

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My daughter volunteered as an assistant monitor for the Great-grandson’s first swimming trip.  When her child’s towel went missing, an irate mother demanded, “What kind of juvenile delinquents are in class with my child?”
The daughter replied, “I’m sure it was taken accidently.  What did it look like?”
“It’s white,” said the parent, “and it says Holiday Inn on it.”

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Dieter, and his grandfather Peter, were sitting on the side of a mountain in Bavaria.  Grampa Peter said, look down there at our village.  I helped build most of those houses, but do they call me Peter the house- builder?  NO!  Look at the church.  I climbed up and finished the spire, but do they call me Peter the church-builder?  NO!  See the stone wall where the road runs near the river.  I dug out and mortared most of those stones myself.  Do they call me Peter the wall-builder?  NO!  ….but I fuck one pig!!?

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I just had another colonoscopy.  I asked the doctor to write me a note for my wife, stating that my head wasn’t up there.

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WebMD is updating its server because of a virus.  Well, they think it was a virus, but it could also be malaria, kidney failure, a heart murmur, gallstones, or even appendicitis.

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Religious Comedy

Pillsbury spokesperson Pop N Fresh died yesterday, at 71.  In attendance at the funeral home were Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his career was filled with many turnovers.  He was not considered a smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.  Still, as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.
Fresh is survived by his second wife.  They have two children, and one in the oven.
The funeral will be held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

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There’s a lunch wagon offering, “Filly Cheese Steaks” that I pass almost every day.  Each time I pass it, I chant to myself, “Please let it be a misspelling!  Please let it be a misspelling!”

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A man with six kids will always be happier than the man with six million dollars, because the man with six million dollars will always want more.

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After a worship service, a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet.  About half way through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, “If you’re not quiet, Pastor Charlton will lose his place, and will have to start over again.”

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Religion is usually a verboten topic for everyone at work – except for Larry.  Recently, after he steered yet another conversation toward the subject, a co-worker whispered to me.  “That’s Larry.  He always has to put his two saints in.”

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After a flash flood had damaged their house and belongings, my aunt and uncle were forced to stay with friends.  One Sunday, as everyone got ready for church, my uncle borrowed a suit from his host.  The pants were too big, so my uncle said, “I’m going to need a belt.”
His humorless hostess shot back, “We do not drink before church.” 

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Childish One-Liners

I now have three great-grandkids….
….OMG, LMAO, and WTF!

If the lawn mower cuts your toes off….
….don’t come running to me.

Geologists explain earthquakes….
….using faulty logic.

When I turned 70, I couldn’t recognize letters close up….
….but I can still recognize idiots from a distance.

Did you hear about the semicolon that broke grammar laws?….
….It was given two consecutive sentences.

How many grammar teachers does it take to change a light bulb?….
….Too

When I was young, there were only 25 letters in the alphabet….
….Nobody knew Y.

Did you know that cowboys’ relationships….
….tend to be stable.

Would you call a cowboy’s clothing….
….ranch dressing?

Once a month, women go crazy….
….for 30 days.

Have you ever seen fruit preserves being made?….
….It’s jarring

In order to have a Murder of Crows….
….there must be probable caws.

A group of crows is a murder….
….A group of Karens is a Migraine.

I told the wife that ‘awesome’ ends with ME….
….She replied, ‘But ugly starts with U’

I don’t advertise my lip-reading business….
…..It’s all by word of mouth.

I joined a dating site for people my age….
….It’s called Carbon Dating.

I asked a woman for her number….
….She said it was 140 over 80.

I took a quiz online, “What’s your spirit animal?’….
….Mine was extinct.

I stopped going to church….
….when the Pastor fell asleep during his own sermon.

How important does someone have to be….
….before they are “assassinated,” rather than murdered?

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Fibbing Friday#280

Another mixed bag from Pensitivity101 last week.

1. What is a saga?

The wife’s boobs, and my gut

2. What is a synopsis?

A list of things that The Church doesn’t want you to do

3. What is a dialect?

An old, rotary telephone

4. What is a goblin?

Me, when I see a French-fry wagon, and the censor spoilsport wife isn’t in the car

5. What is a pinstripe?

San Bruno, USA – October 7, 2022: A burgundy Chevrolet Impala with custom pinstriping, chrome trim, gold wire wheels and whitewall tire at a car show

It was a way to adorn cars, back in the nostalgia days of big-block engines and floor-shifters – when cars had personality, and showed more decoration than just corporate logos.  The closest thing I’ve seen recently is a TRO – Toyota Racing Organization – sedan with decals that make it look like the body panels are laced, or strapped, together, with images of stuffed toys on the rear deck, and a gas filler cover that appears to be made from armor.

6. What is a catapult?

The sound made during the frantic escape of the Poor Cat that the cartoon skunk, Pepe Le Pew is always harassing…

7. What is a mousse?

Isn’t that the plural of “Mouse”??  I’m sure I’ve heard that somewhere, must be French or something…

8. What is meant by bona fide?

What I used to be able to create, in the presence of a naked female

9. What is a sally?

She’s a Religious chick that you sully, silly

10. What is a harem?

A rabbit hole that’s not on YouTube

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Well Known One-Liners

I went to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting….
….Anonymous, hell, I knew everybody there.

I work as a lifeguard….
….It is my job to actively fight natural selection.

On the internet, you can be whatever you want….
….It’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.

Attention drama queens….
….Auditions for today have been cancelled.

I am so in debt….
….I could start a government.

Now that we’ve got hand sanitizing down….
….Next stop, turn signals.


Everything is a conspiracy theory….
….when you don’t understand how anything works.

Are we great yet?….
….Cuz I just feel embarrassed

If money is the root of all evil….
….why do churches beg for it?

How do you keep Canadian bacon from curling in the pan?….
….Take away its broom, eh

What constitutes 50% of Canada?….
….The letter A

When a Canadian went for a blood test….
….the results came back Eh-positive.

I used to love hockey, but switched to a less violent sport….
….Now I’m into MMA.

What do you call a sophisticated American?….
….A Canadian

Scientists are baffled by Canadians’ ability to watch movies and play video games….
….and not shoot other people.

Canada could have had it all: American industry, British Culture, and French Cuisine….
….Instead, they got: French Industry, American culture, and British cuisine.

In Canada, we use BCE, instead of BC….
….It stands for Before Christ Eh.

In Europe, it’s called a lift.  In Canada we call it an elevator….
….I guess we were raised differently.

In Canada, you are more likely to die….
….from a moose kick, than a terrorist attack.

My wife says I’m mean when I drink whiskey….
….Now I drink Canadian whiskey.  I’m still mean – but I apologize.

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Fibbing Friday #273

Last week, Pensitivity101’s list was all a con……….

Definitions or descriptions for these please!

1. Conservative

A trust-worthy prison inmate who gets day passes to work as a restaurant waiter

2.  Conspire

That’s the bell-tower of the prison chapel.

3.  Condense

He’s the dumbest inmate at the county jail.  He stares at cans of frozen orange juice, ‘cause they say, Concentrate.

4.  Context

This is an offer of twelve million dollars, from the Nigerian Prince, for the low, introductory price of your banking information.  What is your account number?  Don’t worry.  I got your number, buddy.

5.  Contemplate

That’s a place where criminals like Fagin, and the Artful Dodger learn to be better criminals.

6.  Consider

If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed by the court, at no cost to you

7.  Condo

She’s the little Japanese lady who folds your underwear funny.

8.  Contour

This is the guided excursion to Alcatraz Island.

9.  Consent

Mail, leaving the jail

10.  Consul.

That’s a mixology direction in Brazilian Portuguese that means, Remember to put salt on the rims of margarita glasses.

A midget escaping from jail by climbing down a rope made from sheets….
….is a little condescending.

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Smitty’s Loose Change #28

If you owned a roadside billboard, what would it say?
THIS SPACE FOR RENT

What are your thoughts on the concept of living a very long life?
I’ve been considering the concept now for a little over 80 years, but I think I should continue to examine it for another 10 or 20 years to reach an informed conclusion.

Can you provide a positive example of where you’ve felt loved?
It would seem to be difficult to provide a negative example – unless we’re talking about the choir loft at the Catholic Church.

Who are your favorite people to be around?
People with longer arms, and deeper wallets than me.  I wouldn’t say that I’m a cheap bastard – because it takes more space on the screen, and those little electrons aren’t free.

Describe a phase in life that was difficult to say goodbye to.
Babyhood.  I didn’t develop the necessary language skills for several years, and by then it was too late.

What is your last learned skill?
I am finally able to listen to Theists seriously describe their religion, and their particular Deity, without bursting into laughter.

What activities do you lose yourself in?
Nature hikes

You’re getting a tattoo.  What does it say and where do you put it?
Where?  Trump’s forehead
What?  DNR
Return to sender
Convicted felon
Chester Cheeto
Objects may be dumber than they appear
I’m with stupid – and put the matching one on Musk

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If there are 6,400 unpaid tax accounts in the city, then 14% of homeowners are not paying their fair share.  What are these people going to do when their properties are reassessed, ask for more pity?  List now, before property taxes return to normal, so that people who can afford their homes can pay their fair share, increase Regional coffers and reduce financial pressure on the rest of us.

Op-Ed letter printed Boxing Day, Dec. 26/24 while I could still hear Ebenezer Scrooge saying, ARE THERE NO PRISONS?  ARE THERE NO POORHOUSES?

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As a response to Trump’s threat to impose tariffs, a newspaper article featured a local restaurant owner who was promising, and urging others, to “buy local.”  The name of his restaurant??!  “A Taste of Brazil??”  There are not many cocoanuts or bananas grown nearby.

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A Picture Of Comedy

The nude model climbed up the ladder
As the painter, Titian, had bade her.
The position, to Titian
Suggested coition,
So he climbed up the ladder and had her.

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My desire to be well-informed, is currently in deep conflict with my need to remain sane.

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I found a magic lamp, and a genie gave me one wish.  I said, “I just want to be happy.”  So now, I’m living with six other guys and working in a mine.

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Beware of holiday scams out there.  I ordered some expensive jewelry for my wife, but instead they sent me a handgun and two boxes of ammo.

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A hillbilly couple with 9 children finally decide to get Bubba a vasectomy.  The doctor is willing to do it, but asks why, after 9 kids.  They explain that they heard that every 10th child in America is Mexican, and they don’t want to take a chance on having a Mexican child, because neither of them can speak Spanish.

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Long ago, when men cursed, and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.  Today, it’s called golf.

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Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business.  She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.  Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned, and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend, or deny the accusation. Instead, he said nothing.

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house, walked home, and left it there all night.

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The Word Is – One-Liners

The first rule of Thesaurus Club is that you do not….
…. talk, whisper, chatter, mumble, rant, articulate, prattle, babble, describe, divulge, drone, confer, deliberate, squeal, converse, discourse, orate or speak about Thesaurus Club.

An obese psychic is….
….a four-chin teller

My momma didn’t raise no fool….
….but if she did, it was my brother

It was so much more fun being 20 in the 70s….
….than being 70 in the 20s.

Today I accidently locked my coat hanger in my car….
….Fortunately, I had my keys.

Acting perfect in church….
….is like dressing up for an X-ray

For musicians who want a perfect sound….
….Stay tuned.

A meeting without food….
….should be an email.

Any stairway can be a stairway to Heaven….
….if you’re clumsy enough.

If I agreed with you….
….we’d both be wrong.

Someone stole all my limbo trophies….
….How low can you go?

I don’t have the faintest idea….
….why I passed out.

All the excitement about an eclipse….
….seems pretty shady to me.

The only substitute for good manners….
….is fast reflexes.

I wish I was full of tacos….
….instead of emotions.

Wind chimes are….
….a sound investment.

Don’t fly Virgin Atlantic Airlines….
….They never go all the way.

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The Point Is Over Here – You Missed It

I recently read a Bible-thumping blogpost from a fundamentalist Christian.  The line that caught my attention was….
I used to listen to a little bit of music by the Rolling Stones, but I stopped when the Atheist Satan-worshipper Mick Jagger released that heretical Sympathy For The Devil.

So many things wrong with that claim!!  Where does one start??
Definitions:  It is impossible to be an Atheist, and worship Satan, because the definition of an Atheist is a person who does not believe in God, or any other supernatural beings, such as Satan.

Mick Jagger:  Mick was raised Protestant Christian – CoE, Church of England/Anglican.  He attended a Christian Secondary School.  He became a Catholic when he married his first wife, so he was a nominal Christian when he wrote and released the song.  Only later in life, he began to investigate Buddhism, showing that, for many religious people, various religious philosophies are not particularly believable, and easily changed out, or ignored.

The Song:  The lyrics, supposedly about the Devil, clearly say “I am a man of wealth and taste,” and go on to refer to historical happenings where Devilish deeds were clearly done by men.  Even if he wished to claim that Satan somehow seduced men into committing these acts, that would be accepted dogma, not heresy.

I did not debate or argue with him.  His mind was clearly and firmly made up.  He did not wish to be confused by the facts.  If he could not even get a mere song and songwriter straight, how could he ever expect to convince anyone of his claim of the existence of his pet deity?