Happy Birthday House – But Not Doctor

I want to wish a Happy 175th Birthday to the stuccoed, frame building that I was born in – before the advent of hospitals.  At about 2:00 AM, Thursday Sept. 21/1944, my Mother gave birth to me in the front (North) East bedroom.  We were given care and support by my Grandmother, and two aunts – and the house was already old, then.

The above number is an educated guess.  We had tax receipts from 1848, which read, Barn and sheds, and from 1852, which read, House and sheds.  Sometime in those four years, the barn was torn down, and the house erected.  1850, and 175 years old seems a reasonable assumption.  It may be the oldest, surviving building in the town.  It has endured a lot of modification.  It sat on the flatlands, up the hill from the lake, about half a mile from the commercial area

It was constructed by – or for – a well-to-do, gentleman farmer.  The rooms had towering, 12-foot ceilings, barely kept warm in the beginning by two pot-bellied stoves.  It was a bitch to heat, even after my Father added a forced-air gas furnace.  Room by room, year by year, he and a local handyman put in false ceilings, down to the tops of the windows – which were only 8’ 6”.  The steep stairway to the loft area was more like a ladder.

With apparent income from other sources, this was just a hobby farm for the first owner.  The property comprised a quarter of a square city block.  He had a few apple trees, some pear trees, some grapes, a small bed of asparagus, and room for plots of potatoes, peas, beans, carrots, and beets.  The three-foot thick fieldstone foundation was fabricated from rocks that were pulled from the soil, and support beams were Mountain Ash trees cleared from the property.

Reconstruction continues.  The current, long-term owner has added a dormer window, and finished living area in the loft at the top of The Stairs of Doom.  She’s a tired, but still impressive, old dowager.  I fondly remember her occasionally, but, except for possibly one last, quick, look; I don’t want to go back.

Smitty’s Loose Change #28

If you owned a roadside billboard, what would it say?
THIS SPACE FOR RENT

What are your thoughts on the concept of living a very long life?
I’ve been considering the concept now for a little over 80 years, but I think I should continue to examine it for another 10 or 20 years to reach an informed conclusion.

Can you provide a positive example of where you’ve felt loved?
It would seem to be difficult to provide a negative example – unless we’re talking about the choir loft at the Catholic Church.

Who are your favorite people to be around?
People with longer arms, and deeper wallets than me.  I wouldn’t say that I’m a cheap bastard – because it takes more space on the screen, and those little electrons aren’t free.

Describe a phase in life that was difficult to say goodbye to.
Babyhood.  I didn’t develop the necessary language skills for several years, and by then it was too late.

What is your last learned skill?
I am finally able to listen to Theists seriously describe their religion, and their particular Deity, without bursting into laughter.

What activities do you lose yourself in?
Nature hikes

You’re getting a tattoo.  What does it say and where do you put it?
Where?  Trump’s forehead
What?  DNR
Return to sender
Convicted felon
Chester Cheeto
Objects may be dumber than they appear
I’m with stupid
– and put the matching one on Musk

***

If there are 6,400 unpaid tax accounts in the city, then 14% of homeowners are not paying their fair share.  What are these people going to do when their properties are reassessed, ask for more pity?  List now, before property taxes return to normal, so that people who can afford their homes can pay their fair share, increase Regional coffers and reduce financial pressure on the rest of us.

Op-Ed letter printed Boxing Day, Dec. 26/24 while I could still hear Ebenezer Scrooge saying, ARE THERE NO PRISONS?  ARE THERE NO POORHOUSES?

***

As a response to Trump’s threat to impose tariffs, a newspaper article featured a local restaurant owner who was promising, and urging others, to “buy local.”  The name of his restaurant??!  “A Taste of Brazil??”  There are not many cocoanuts or bananas grown nearby.

Last Year’s Fibbing Friday

These were our questions from Pensitivity101 last week.  How would you define these?

1.  Ackamarackus

That’s the advertising motto of the local greasy spoon diner.  The owner is still angry that “Finger Lickin’ Good” was already taken, because he doesn’t provide paper napkins.  At least he rejected, “Kelley’s Kitchen: Kleen As A Kowshed.”

2.  Anencephalous

These are the type of mosquitoes which cause malaria.  They are related to other bloodsuckers like the IRS, and Inland Revenue, which cause penuria.

3.  Antediluvian

She is my Father’s alcoholic sister, who believes in reiki, channeling and crystals.

4.  Accismus

That was Prince Chuckles’ failure to launch succeed to the throne, because his Mum was a better man than he was.

5.  Agelast

This is how you should fill out all official documents, name – address – telephone number – email address – sex (yes please) – and finally, a date of birth that hopefully does not begin with 18..

6.  Arabinose

It’s a Middle-Eastern cosmetic surgery clinic where they transplant camel snouts, because they’re smaller.

7.  Antimacassar

Being strongly opposed to Russia’s invasion of the Ukraine.

8.  Anagrammatic

Being like the local female drug dealer, who doesn’t touch the stuff, herself.

9.  Aichmophobia

It’s an ‘abit that certain regional Brits have, of failing to pronounce the 8th letter of the alphabet, when it begins a word.  Y’ve got Sparkle Markle, and self-imposed exile.  Are ya ‘appy, ‘arry??   😕

10.  Atrabilious

It’s what more than a few customers of Kelley’s Kitchen have become.  Even the cockroaches won’t eat there.

King Wenceslas Unmasked

BAD KING WENCESLAS
Or:
Christians lie to themselves and others, to feel good.

Truth be told – and I occasionally do – Wenceslas wasn’t really too bad.  He was, perhaps, the least worst of a bad lot.  It’s just that every Christmas, the Christians drag him out to sing about.  They claim that the song represents how their love of God, and His love of them, makes them all kind and generous.  Let’s look at the facts though, shall we??

Using the Might Is Right justification, King Wendy and his retinue have taxed the song’s peasant, and thousands of others, into poverty and starvation.  While they are warm and well-fed, safe and secure in the castle, this poor slob is trudging through snowdrifts, desperately trying to find a few windfall branches to burn, to keep him and his family, and probably some livestock, from freezing to death.  While he starves, they are having a feast – The Feast of Stephen.

Even when the song has the “Good King” and his squire drag the poor wretch in, and give him food and firewood, I cynically suspect an ulterior motive.  Soon enough, there will be another religious feast, and someone has to provide that fatted calf, for free taxes.  Stealing everything, and then offering a tiny bit of it back as working capital, does not really fit into the definition of Concern for Others, or Generosity.   😮

Reasons To Live In Canada

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA

  1. Vancouver: 2.5 million people and two bridges. You do the math.
  2. Your $1.400,000.00 Vancouver home is just 5 hours from downtown.
  3. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations.
  4. There’s always some sort of deforestation protest going on.
  5. “Weed”.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA

  1. Big rock between you and B.C.
  2. Ottawa who?
  3. Tax is 5% instead of the approximately 200% as it is for the rest of the country.
  4. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of.
  5. You live in the only province that could actually afford to be its own country.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATCHEWAN

  1. You never run out of wheat.
  2. Your province is really easy to draw.
  3. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours.
  4. People will assume you live on a farm.
  5. Daylight saving time? Who the hell needs that!

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN MANITOBA

  1. You wake up one morning to find that you suddenly have a beachfront property.
  2. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes.
  3. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter.
  4. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood.
  5. You can pass the time watching trucks and barns float by.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO

  1. You live in the center of the universe.
  2. Your $800,000 Toronto home is actually a dump.
  3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election.
  4. The only province with hard-core American-style crime.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC

Ahhhh….Give me a minute here to think…….Gosh, this is hard…….OK, here are some:

  1. Racism is socially acceptable.
  2. You can take bets with your friends on which English neighbour will move out next.
  3. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada …
  4. You can blame all your problems on the “Anglo A*#!%!”?

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEW BRUNSWICK

  1. One way or another, the government gets 98% of your income.
  2. You’re poor, but not as poor as the Newfies.
  3. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick …
  4. Everybody has a grandfather who runs a lighthouse.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA

  1. Everyone can play the fiddle.. The ones who can’t, think they can.
  2. You can pretend to have Scottish heritage as an excuse to get drunk and wear a kilt.
  3. You are the only reason Anne Murray makes money.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND

  1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island, you still got the big new bridge.
  2. You can walk across the province in half an hour.
  3. You can drive across the province in two minutes.
  4. Everyone has been an extra on “Road to Avonlea.”
  5. This is where all those tiny, red potatoes come from..
  6. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND

  1. If Quebec separates, you will float off to sea.
  2. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse.
  3. The workday is about two hours long.
  4. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders to your wedding.

 😳

Fibbing Friday For A Song

This week (well, Last Week) Pensitivity101 chose Song Titles, but rather than fib about who sang them, could we improvise on what they are about?

  1. Spirit in the Sky

When the Stewardess Cabin Attendant abandons the drink cart, to deal with a problem passenger, a quickly-acquired handful of those little, sample-sized bottles can help get you through the flight.

2. MacArthur Park

That’s my Karen next-door neighbour, who got her driving license when Cracker Jacks was still giving out prizes.  She parks by ear.  Her car looks like she bought it during a meteor shower.

3. A Whiter Shade of Pale

I just got an official notice from the IRS, that I’m going to be audited.

4. Crocodile Rock

It’s Elton John’s retirement plan.  He felt that if one old Queen was gone, another should stop strutting and fretting his hour upon the stage.

5. Run

I told you that those leftover meatballs had been in the refrigerator too long.

6. Don’t it make your brown eyes blue?

He is so full of bullshit that his eyes turned brown, but he’s been spreading it around so much that the level has receded.

7. Heaven can wait

It ain’t waiting for me!  They don’t wanna let me in, and Hell is afraid that I’ll take over.  I’m immortal!  😎

8. One night in Bangkok

It’s a special, 24-hour sex-vacation option in some Oriental Tour package excursions.

9. I know him so well.

His life was an open book.  Only, it was written in Nahuatl.  He said, “I’m only human.” but I requested ID.

10. Here comes the Sun.

It’s the latest-published biography of Rupert Murdoch.  Yay Page Three!

A Warlike Fibbing Friday

Pensitivity101 wanted alternate opinions about some historical disagreements.  The following may, or may not be, fictitious.

1 Who fought in the Punic War?

A bunch of online, word-swirling one-liner-mongers, trying to outdo each other to prove that they were real wits.  They would have to clone themselves, just to be half that.

2 Who won the Cretan War?

Well, it wasn’t the cretins who invaded the Capitol on January 6th, and it wasn’t the Mayor Mac-and-Cheese-head cretin who took sensitive homework to his log-cabin at Mar-a-Lago, and forgot to put it back.  I think the real winners were attorneys who finally got indictments, and the general American public, even though some of them don’t believe that.

3 Who wrote the book of war?

According to my great-grandson – it was some guy named Hoyle.  A two beats an ace, an’ a three beats a two.  You deal ‘em out, Poppa.

4 What was the Gothic War about?

Innumerable concerned mothers, trying to argue innumerable teenage daughters out of wearing black makeup, and all-black clothing, including torn leggings.  Couldn’t you put on a nice skirt, and look like a girl??

5 Why did they have so many Crusades?

Because they were all led by old retired guys like me, who forgot what they were doing.  “Okay, we’re at the Promised Land.  What did we come here for??  I want a cheese sandwich.  I’m going home.”

6 What was the longest battle in history?

That was between the wife and me.  Just because I suggested that she get her ass in gear, so that we could reach our vacation destination before it got dark, and they rolled the sidewalks up, it extended from Ontario, all the way to Charleston, SC.  When we reached the border, she gave the Customs Official the evil eye through my window and said, “We have nothing that you need to worry about!  Just step back, and let us through.”  He must have been married, because he did so, quickly!

7 How long did the 100 Years war last?

The King of Zor, He called for war
And the King of Zam, he answered.

A lot longer than it should have, because, back then, there were no ‘Summer Blockbusters.’  Farmers who might be conscripted into the army needed to plow and plant in the spring, and reap and harvest in autumn.  No-one wanted to fight in the winter, when there was ice and snow, but every summer, it was, “Let’s go invade someone.”  All that nonsense finally stopped when Sir Francis Drake invented lawn-bowling.

8 Who fought in the French and Indian War?

A disappointing percentage of the Canadian Parliament, because they are infected with a bad case of ‘Presentism.’  They want to “fix” decisions that were made 300, 400 years ago.  Afflicted with a bad case of “White Man’s Guilt,” they want to pay reparations to today’s Indigenous; because whites obeyed the law of the land back then – Take What You need – Keep What You Can Hold.

Les Quebecois are almost as bad.  The Surrender Monkeys in France gave them up back then, but today’s politicians want to give them special language rights and tax breaks that no other Canadian groups enjoy.  😛

9 Who was in the Battle of the Roses?

That was just a sort of informal contest between Pete Rose, and Axl Rose, to see if Pete could lose money faster, betting on baseball game outcomes, than Axl could, snorting it up his nose.  Axl is ahead at the moment.  He’s purchased so much nose-candy, that he can’t afford to snort it with a $100 bill.  It’s a good thing that he’s not Canadian, because we don’t have $1, or $2 bills any more.

10 How long did the 6 Days War last?

Just until Jehovah stepped in and said, “This is the Sabbath!  Enough already!  Give it a rest!”

Big Shot

I hear many some a few couple of you asking, Archon!  Why aren’t you shooting off your mouth about shooting off several handguns, like you promised back in July?”

It’s like being nibbled to death by ducks.  Want to make God laugh??  Tell him your plans.  😦 What follows is a sad tale of Karma and bureaucracy run wild.

The Grandson’s wife phoned Employment Canada on three separate occasions, to assure that his paternity leave would seamlessly kick in at the end of her maternity leave.  NO PROBLEM!  She called again on November 2, to ask if two unused weeks of her mat. leave could be added to his pat. leave.

Suddenly, there was a signed, physical document that needed to have been in their file by Halloween.  Despite having booked off eight weeks with his employer, now the Government would not pay for it – oh, and her two unused weeks were forfeit.

With a young child and all accoutrements, he recently purchased their first (used) car, and is making monthly payments.  Then he got COVID.  Fortunately, neither his wife nor the little guy was infected.  With two main inoculations and a booster, it wasn’t bad, although her younger brother, who is seeking employment, had to come over for a few days to care for two babies.

The woman who had agreed to become babysitter/daycare about the end of December, wasn’t yet getting that weekly payment, so she applied and got a job.  Search and negotiations for a replacement are still ongoing.

Bad enough that the Employment Canada tentacle of the Federal octopus snatched away ten weeks of benefits, the Income Tax Department tentacle now added insult and injury.  The tax return that he had filed, and was accepted, back in April was re-reviewed, and for some reason, he owed $2300 – payable NOW!  There just is not, currently, the $250 available to pay for this gift.

Meanwhile, over at the gun shop….  They finally emailed him to inform that they did not have a previously-fired Berretta 92F, to substitute for a Glock.  The package had to be accepted as-is.  Oh well…. okay.  He and I had both assumed that we could just make a mutually agreeable appointment time – perhaps one afternoon during his time off.

The gun-shop does not want the clerk to be away from the main sales area for a random hour.  They are trying to book enough clients to fill an entire day, but especially with the resurgence of COVID, they are finding it almost impossible to do.  Neither of us is giving up hope.  It’s just that this little dream might not get fulfilled until this time next year.  If it ever comes to fruition, you’ll be the first second to know.  😀

A Fear Of Fibbing Fridays

So, Pensitivity101 wants to know, “What do you think these are phobias of?”

Ablutophobia

It’s a fear of having to watch old Popeye cartoons.  Does anyone remember when the bad-guy character, ‘Bluto’ suddenly became ‘Brutus,’ because King Features couldn’t keep their books straight?

Androphobia

It is the fear of having yet another Terminator sequel movie released.  It would be sad to see Arnold hobbling around like a geriatric T-800 model with a cane, or walker.

Ataxophobia

This is the fear of the approaching, mid-April deadline, both with the American IRS, (Notice that The IRS spells theirs) and the UK Inland Revenue.  Canadians get another two weeks of paralyzing terror each year – until the end of the month.  It’s no favour!  I say it’s like ripping a Band-Aid off.  Be like Nike, and Just Do It!

Autophobia

This is the quite-reasonable distress caused by having to go out upon the streets and roads with all those Other Drivers.  I’m okay, but they’re all just a bunch of weird accidents, waiting to happen, and probably catching me in the crunch.
Anyone who doesn’t drive as fast as me is an idiot.  Anyone who drives faster than me is an asshole.  Forget World Peace – envision using your turn signals.

Bathmophobia is the fear of the end of the day, when you have three preschoolers and a sandbox.  Soap suds spreading faster than The Big Bang – and when you finally get them all clean, you discover that one of them is the neighbour’s kid.  😳

Chromophobia has suffered technological obsolescence.  50 years ago, the little gear-head greasers plated every piece of exposed metal on their cars bright and shiny silver.  Today’s OY-Generation decorate their penis-substitute Lego-plastic toy cars with neon brothel-lights, rear spoilers whose only purpose is to hold beers while they brag to each other, and modify their exhausts so that little Dachshund cars sound like Great Danes.  They claim that they soup them up!  Yeah, right – soup in a sieve.  😯

Ephebiphobia is the feeling of unease, when you realize that your unmarried aunt has been batting for both teams all along.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Genuphobia is the fear non-Catholics have, of having to attend a wedding or baptism in a Catholic church.  You never know when to kneel, or when to stand up, or sit down.  They’re all up and down like a prostitute’s panties.  By the time you figure it out, they’ve got the hymnbook out, and are singing.

Heliophobia

Ever since Kobe Bryant’s little mishap, it’s what has caused me to decide to not use gasoline-powered aerial eggbeaters as a mode of transportation.  It’s not what I want people to mean when they say, “He was a down-to-Earth person.”  👿

Nomophobia

This is an irrational fear of garden figurines.

Osmophobia was the absolute panic I felt when I heard a rumour that some television network, desperate to replace lost viewers, was going to give Donny and Marie another hour-long variety show.  At their age, they can’t carry a tune in a bucket.  Donny’s ‘little bit Rock and Roll’ would be shuffle and wheeze, and his purple socks would be orthopedic.

Podophobia is a fear of being unexpectedly called upon to say a few words at some community gathering.  Unaccustomed as I am at public speaking – I’m gonna sit down, have another beer, and let the paid performing seals do their job.

Trypophobia

This was the terrible uncertainty that I felt recently.  I went into the office break room early in the morning.  Someone had put out a Tupperware container of fudge brownies, so I took one.  I returned soon after, to see if the coffee machine had finished.  There was now a note on the brownie box.

I Made These Brownies For Shits And Giggles
Half of them have cannabis.
The other half have laxative
Try One. Wait a half-hour, and find out which.


Wiccaphobia

Which way did they go?  How many of them were there?  When did they leave?  I must find them – for I am their leader.

This is the fear that you are going to be assigned another project, because your boss is not sufficiently computer-literate to access the internet and look for himself.  Not only will you have to do extra research, but it will be on constantly-changing websites that can be edited by people who wear MAGA hats, and believe that the world is flat.  😥

Zuigerphobia

It’s the feeling of imminent doom that arises locally, beginning about the middle of September, when we realize that half a million people who want to get drunk and obnoxious, and throw up in a different town, are about to descend on our city for Oktoberfest.  Before I retired, I used to book the week off – not to party, but because I was tired of getting pulled over in DUI/RIDE Program Traffic checks.  That really sucks.  😉

***

I have a phobia that Pensitivity didn’t list.  It’s demifiniphobia.  That’s the fear I felt when I looked at all these big, fancy words, worried that I will only be able to respond to about half the prompts, and end up looking like a half-assed halfwit.

Flash Fiction # 286

PHOTO PROMPT © Sandra Crook

ROCKIN’ UP

All society is a pendulum, from too strict, to too lax, and back again.  Our best hope is that the average is always upward.  The proof is here in Ed Sheeran’s Castle On The Hill-land.  Once, the rich, who stole from the weak and poor to get that way, built huge commanding castles on hilltops to keep others from stealing from them.

Nowadays, that service is provided by the IRS.  I am optimistic that American education will improve, and Trump-sponsored Christian willful ignorance and intolerance will begin to abate.  Castles are passé, but ‘Prepper Shelters’ are becoming all too common.

***

If you want to join the fun with the Friday Fictioneers, go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site, and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.