Pensitivity101 wanted alternate opinions about some historical disagreements.  The following may, or may not be, fictitious.

1 Who fought in the Punic War?

A bunch of online, word-swirling one-liner-mongers, trying to outdo each other to prove that they were real wits.  They would have to clone themselves, just to be half that.

2 Who won the Cretan War?

Well, it wasn’t the cretins who invaded the Capitol on January 6^th, and it wasn’t the Mayor Mac-and-Cheese-head cretin who took sensitive homework to his log-cabin at Mar-a-Lago, and forgot to put it back.  I think the real winners were attorneys who finally got indictments, and the general American public, even though some of them don’t believe that.

3 Who wrote the book of war?

According to my great-grandson – it was some guy named Hoyle.  A two beats an ace, an’ a three beats a two.  You deal ‘em out, Poppa.

4 What was the Gothic War about?

Innumerable concerned mothers, trying to argue innumerable teenage daughters out of wearing black makeup, and all-black clothing, including torn leggings.  Couldn’t you put on a nice skirt, and look like a girl??

5 Why did they have so many Crusades?

Because they were all led by old retired guys like me, who forgot what they were doing.  “Okay, we’re at the Promised Land.  What did we come here for??  I want a cheese sandwich.  I’m going home.”

6 What was the longest battle in history?

That was between the wife and me.  Just because I suggested that she get her ass in gear, so that we could reach our vacation destination before it got dark, and they rolled the sidewalks up, it extended from Ontario, all the way to Charleston, SC.  When we reached the border, she gave the Customs Official the evil eye through my window and said, “We have nothing that you need to worry about!  Just step back, and let us through.”  He must have been married, because he did so, quickly!

7 How long did the 100 Years war last?

The King of Zor, He called for war
And the King of Zam, he answered.

A lot longer than it should have, because, back then, there were no ‘Summer Blockbusters.’  Farmers who might be conscripted into the army needed to plow and plant in the spring, and reap and harvest in autumn.  No-one wanted to fight in the winter, when there was ice and snow, but every summer, it was, “Let’s go invade someone.”  All that nonsense finally stopped when Sir Francis Drake invented lawn-bowling.

8 Who fought in the French and Indian War?

A disappointing percentage of the Canadian Parliament, because they are infected with a bad case of ‘Presentism.’  They want to “fix” decisions that were made 300, 400 years ago.  Afflicted with a bad case of “White Man’s Guilt,” they want to pay reparations to today’s Indigenous; because whites obeyed the law of the land back then – Take What You need – Keep What You Can Hold.

Les Quebecois are almost as bad.  The Surrender Monkeys in France gave them up back then, but today’s politicians want to give them special language rights and tax breaks that no other Canadian groups enjoy.  😛

9 Who was in the Battle of the Roses?

That was just a sort of informal contest between Pete Rose, and Axl Rose, to see if Pete could lose money faster, betting on baseball game outcomes, than Axl could, snorting it up his nose.  Axl is ahead at the moment.  He’s purchased so much nose-candy, that he can’t afford to snort it with a $100 bill.  It’s a good thing that he’s not Canadian, because we don’t have $1, or $2 bills any more.

10 How long did the 6 Days War last?

Just until Jehovah stepped in and said, “This is the Sabbath!  Enough already!  Give it a rest!”