Christmas Presents Humor

Co-workers are like Christmas lights.  They hang together.  Half of them don’t work, and the other half aren’t very bright.  Some of them are like Slinkies.  They don’t really do anything, but they bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs.

***

A blonde drops her dress of at a dry-cleaners.  The clerk says, “Thanks, come again.”  The blonde replies, “No, it’s toothpaste this time.”

***

My wife told me to go to the doctor and get some of the pills that would help me get an erection.  You should have seen her face when I dropped a bottle of diet pills in front of her.   BTW: I’m still looking for a place to stay.

***

A man goes to a wizard and asks him if he can remove a curse that was put on him years ago.  The wizard says, “I might be able to, if you can remember the exact words.”  The guy responds, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”

***

CHINESE SICK LEAVE

Ho Chow calls into work and says, “Hey, I no come work today.  I really sick, got headache, stomach ache, legs hurt. I no come work today.”
The boss says, “You know, Ho Chow, I really need you today.  When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her for sex.  That makes everything better, and I go to work.  You try that”
Two hours later, Ho Chow calls again.  “I do what you say, and I feel great.  I be at work soon.  You got nice house.”

***

After an exhausting 18-hour hospital shift, a nurse walks into a bank.  She grabs a deposit slip, and takes a rectal thermometer out of her purse and attempts to write with it.  Realizing her mistake, she says to the flabbergasted teller, “Well, isn’t that just great??!  Some asshole’s got my pen.”

***

A timid little man was terrified of flying, and was on a long distance trip.

He was on his first ever flight, and he had the window seat. Besides him sat a giant man, heavily tattooed, and not smelling the cleanest.

After the plane took off, the timid little fellow soon found himself feeling sick. But he didn’t know how to get past the large fellow that sat between him and the way to the bathroom, especially because his neighbour was now fast asleep.

Suddenly it was too late, he couldn’t help himself, and he got sick all over the other man. He frantically tried to wipe up the mess, hoping the giant wouldn’t wake up.

Despite his best efforts, he noticed the man stirring, and his eyes opened. Thinking quickly, the timid little man smiled and said, “Are you feeling better now?”

’24 A To Z Challenge – F

Fee, Fie, Foe, F**k
I smell the scent of a French-fry truck.

I am famished!
I want some food.
I want it soon
I want it in a hurry
I want some food – fast.
I want some fast-food.
But most of all, I want some food at no cost, because

FREE

is my favorite flavor.
Sadly, as Robert Heinlein said, TANSTAAFL.
There ain’t no such thing as a free lunch.

Everything comes at a cost.  Like the sign in many a truck says, “Ass, gas or grass – Nobody rides free.”

Now that I’ve doled out all this folksy lore, BUCKSHEE – a term I picked up from a Newfie, deriving from the Indian expression, baksheesh – a tip, present, gratuity, or alms – roughly speaking, fer free – I would appreciate it if you paid me back with some visits, likes and comments.   😀

Rather Pointed One-Liners

I’m not a cactus expert….
….but I know a prick when I see one.

I’ve learned a lot from my mistakes….
….I’m even thinking of making a few more.

I was grilling a chicken last night….
….For the last time, why did you cross the road?

How to fall down the stairs:
Step 1
Step 2
Step 3
Step 6
Step 9
Step 12
Floor

When it comes to great sex….
….It’s not the meat.  It’s the tumidity.

A fool and his money….
….are never around when I need them.

I’m responsible for what I say….
….not what you understand.

I went to the paint store to get thinner….
….It didn’t work.

I knew the psychic was a phony….
….the moment she took my check.

The Institute of Unfinished Research has concluded that…
….6 out of 10 people

Never discuss infinity with a mathematician….
….You’ll never hear the end of it.

I was sitting in traffic the other day….
….Probably why I got run over.

I just saved a ton of money on Christmas presents….
….by discussing politics on social media.

Just got my doctor’s test back, and I’m quite disappointed….
….Turns out, I’ll never be a doctor.

I married my wife for her looks….
….but not the ones I’ve been getting recently.

I was going to do a post about anticlimaxes….
….but in the end, I didn’t.

Propaganda is when an Englishman….
….takes a good look at something.

I have a recurring dream….
….where I divide 10 by 3.

Knock, knock….
….Who’s there?….
….Granddad….
….QUICK!  STOP THE CREMATION!

I asked my girlfriend how she avoids clickbait….
….Her answer may shock you.

A man asks a librarian for a book about noise levels….
….She replies, “Sure, what volume would you like?”

I don’t believe in skeptics….

I wasn’t going to drink after my shift….
….then I worked my shift

Randy Fibbing Friday

Just a few random thoughts from Pensitivity101 this week Last Bloody Christmas!

 

  1. Ever wondered why they call them Christmas Carols?

Because three, merlot-infused suburban housewives, all named Carol, decided to share the holiday spirit – but not their spirits – by sonically assaulting neighbours by loudly singing outside their doors – sort of like a reverse Trick Or Treat  Here’s a quid.  Go annoy my hillbilly neighbour.

2. Why do we put a fairy on top of the Christmas tree?

One year, in the lead-up to Christmas, Santa was having some production delay problems, to the point that he forgot to put up a Christmas tree.  The elves were helping solve the problems and get caught up, but one OCD little fairy kept bugging him about the tree.  Santa, we have to put up the Christmas tree.  Santo we have to decorate the tree.  Santa, don’t forget the Christmas tree!

Finally Santa had had enough, and he snapped and yelled at the little fairy.  Take your G*d***ned f**king Christmas tree, and stick it up your ass!!  Ever since, that’s why the fairy has been stuck on the top of the tree.

3. Are St Nicholas and Old Nick the Jekyll and Hyde of Christmas?
More like Abbott and Costello – Who’s on Advent??  Watt??  No, he’s Jewish.  You better straighten up and fly right mister, or I’m gonna put coal in your stocking.  I’m Chinese, dude!  Bring a truckload, and screw your Climate Change Accord.  I think I’m gonna become Ukrainian after this little contretemps.  When the rest of us are finished partying, they still have another 12 days of Christmas.

4. Why do we traditionally kiss under the mistletoe?
It blocks the lens of the office security CCTV camera, and we can get away with a bit of slap and tickle.

5. Why is it Christmas lights work when we put them away but don’t when we take them out the following year?
Quantum entanglement.  Oh wait, that’s a different, but related problem.  It’s only after you’ve spent a half-hour untangling the mess, that you discover they don’t work.

6. Why are pigs in blankets so-called?
After we lose all self-control (yet again), and stuff ourselves with more food than some entire small countries consume, we head to bed to sleep off the tryptophan hangover.  I’ve bought stock in Tums, Rolaids, Maalox, and Pepto-Bismol.  I’ll be rich, if I don’t spend it all on sweet potato pie and dressing.

7. Should we have cream or custard on mince pies?
Yes – but not on the same piece.  Personally, I prefer mince tarts as Peter Tork of The Monkees Peter Percival Patterson did, and I like mine warmed, with a bit of French vanilla ice cream on them.

8. How did a Christmas Stocking originate?
That was when the poor Ladies of Negotiable Virtue, back in Victorian times, offered more than curry in a hurry,’ right on the streets.  Since they didn’t have a dresser or a bedside night table to leave the toll on, they hung an empty stocking (They weren’t wearing it at the time.) on a gaslight lamp-post, to collect their tuppence, thruppence, ha’pennies.

9. Do you like the idea of a white Christmas?
Sure!  Let the brown ones have Diwali, and the black ones have Kwanzaa.

10. Have you been naughty or nice?

On many occasions, often at the same time.

One-Liners On The Menu

The waiter asked me how I found my steak….
….I told him, “Accidentally!  I just moved the tomato slice, and there it was.”

I told him I didn’t find any oysters in my oyster soup….
….He said, “Would you expect to find angels in the angel cake?”

He said, “These are the best eggs we’ve had for years.”….
….I told him to bring some that hadn’t been around that long.

I asked for a cup of coffee with no cream….
….He said they were out of cream.  How about no milk?

I told him he had his thumb in my soup….
….He told me not to worry, because it wasn’t hot.

Doctor, I keep thinking that I’m a bridge….
….What’s come over you?

Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears….
….Don’t answer it.

If Mary was a virgin when she gave birth to Jesus….
….why did three random guys show up with presents?

A guy goes in to see a psychologist and says, “I can’t make any friends….
….Can you help me, you fat slob?”

When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam….
….I looked into the soul of the guy sitting next to me.

Some of us learn from the mistakes of others….
….The rest of us have to be “the others.”

Footwear made from banana peels….
….are slippers.

Isn’t it ironic that procrastination….
….is something that you can do immediately?

If I got 50 cents for every math exam I failed….
….I’d have $6.30 now.

People who raise poultry….
….are literally chicken tenders.

I have a clean conscience….
….I haven’t used it once yet.

I never knew what happiness was, until I got married….
….and then it was too late.

Know any jokes about Sodium?….
….Na

I love chocolate….
….but it makes my clothes shrink.

Some people say that their body is a temple….
….Mine is a bouncy castle.

If I’m lucky, my internal organs….
….will never see the light of day.

They used to time me with a stopwatch….
….now they use a calendar.

Son Of A Gun

Or in this case, a grandson.  In an attempt to dilute and disperse my fanatical, homicidal, antisocial obsession with possessing dangerous weapons, he has already given me a

Sacrificial Stone Dagger
We’ll call it a Scottish letter opener.

And a



Gorgeous rapier
We’ll call it shiny, sharp and pointy.

The United States has recently endured several domestic terrorism attacks, where assault-type weapons have been used to murder numbers of people.  In an attempt to look like they’re doing something – anything – more of the wrong thing, and solving someone else’s problem, the Canadian Federal Government has passed legislation that further tightens gun-control laws that are already some of the most restrictive in the world.  At least temporarily, the purchase, sale, or transfer of legally-owned handguns has been suspended.

Unlike Hercules, the grandson cannot cut the Gordian Knot of bureaucracy, and present me with a Government-authorized pistol.  Ingenious little devil he, he has found a way to tap-dance past the restrictions.  It is legally permitted to hire the services of a licensed gun-shop/shooting range owner, who will provide supervision and safety instruction, and temporarily lend and allow me to fire, five of my favorite handguns.

A sixth, my more favorite, the Berretta Model 92, is not included in the offering.  I plan to (reluctantly) ask if it is possible to substitute it for one on their menu.  Being Canadian, I have only fired two hand-guns in my life – a Police .38 Special, and a .32 caliber Spanish officer’s semi-automatic, a darling little thing with shiny stainless steel, and mother-of-pearl handles, suitable as a lady’s purse gun, or in the don’t ask – don’t tell brigade.

I received this I Am Impossible To Shop For package as a Fathers’ Day present.  The grandson and I, and the range owner, will negotiate a mutually acceptable Saturday, probably near my birthday in late September.  This is the most useless, but at the same time, the most treasured bucket list present that I have ever received.

I’m sure that some, make us feel safe at any cost, even if we’re not, Chicken Littles will want to know why I want to fire these dangerous guns.  As Willy Sutton said, when they asked him why he robbed banks – that’s where the money is.  Or George Mallory (not Edmund Hillary), when asked why he climbed Mount Everest – because it’s there!  I feel no need to justify this adventure but, that’s where the enjoyment is, and, because I can.

I will employ my hundreds of hours of gun safety training to ensure that I don’t shoot myself or anyone else.  With my worsening essential tremor, I won’t reveal target scores.  It will be enough just to keep flying lead between the range walls.  I will report later on this guys’ escapade.  You’ll know me by my goofy smile.

Flash Fiction #214

Swag

PHOTO PROMPT © Sandra Crook

SWAG

Brucie had a very rewarding Christmas. He was old enough to know that there was no Santa, but smart enough not to say so.

“Santa” had finally brought him a basic cell phone. He’d got socks and underwear (Thanx, Mom) books, video games, dark chocolate and Scottish sweets. He’d watched A Christmas Story and asked for a BB gun, but Mom said that Ralphie’s mother was right – maybe later. “Later…. right.” Adults speak a different language.

Mom had warned him not to just throw his wrapping paper everywhere, so he’d carefully placed it all in a neat pile beside him.

***

Go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story

friday-fictioneers-badge-web

Firearms VS. My Skull

Shotgun

Have you ever had your head blown off with a 12 gauge shotgun?  I have, almost, and it still gives me shivers when I’m reminded of it!  Actually, that’s a silly question.  If you’d had your head blown off, you wouldn’t be here, answering this silly survey.

Children in my small hometown owned weapons. 14, 15, 16-year-old boys possessed rifles and shotguns.  It was not unusual, of a warm, sunny summer Saturday, to see a group of armed youths, ‘going hunting’, if hooting and yelling, and telling jokes while clomping through the near-by woods could be called hunting.  All the animals were hiding behind trees and snickering.  The only things that got shot were trees and fenceposts – or old appliances and food tins, if we reached the city dump.

One well-armed wight once boasted of ‘bumping off a chickadee’, as if he were a mob hit man. From a distance of 20 feet, he blasted away with a 12 gauge shotgun, leaving nothing but a fine pink mist.  He was also the genius who found an arm-thick, wild apple tree amongst the evergreens, and ‘chopped it down’ using three blasts to its base.

The rifles we owned were mostly little .22 caliber plinkers, capable of very little serious damage. Those who carried 12 gauge shotguns though, were far more dangerous.  .22s are only 22/100ths of an inch wide.  Even .45s, a large handgun shell, are less than half an inch.  12 gauge though, is .730 inches in diameter. And the power comes from the ‘squared’ portion of the Pi/R/Squared formula.  See the size comparison below.

Gauge

I had moved away to get a job, and had returned for Christmas. I’d been able to get presents for my Mom and Dad, but admitted to him that I had no idea about what to get my brother.  He told me that my brother wanted to be armed like his friends for ‘hunting season’, and also told me where there was a bolt action shotgun for sale, much like the one at the top, only in far better shape.

Bolt-action, for a shotgun, is quite rare. It cocks, ready for the next shot, when you lift the bolt handle, rotating a wedge-shaped section backward.  After you manually insert another shell and close the bolt, it is fired by pulling the trigger, to release the spring-loaded portion….usually.

After I had presented it to him on Christmas Day, the brother oohed and aahed over it, and took in into his bedroom, ‘to put it away in his closet.’ I had a small repair chore to do for my Dad, and stepped out into a shed, attached to the back of the old, frame house, with a work area in it.

I was standing close to the house outer wall, with a file and screwdriver in my hands. Suddenly, there was a loud bang, and my head and shoulders stung from small impacts.  I thought at first that a two-bulb, 4-foot fluorescent light fixture had exploded in the cold….but no, I still had light.

I turned, and there was a head-sized hole in the wall, right beside my head.  I could see my brother inside, with the shotgun in his hands, and a dismayed expression on his face.  By the time I’d left home, I’d acquired almost 300 hours of gun-handling and safety training.  Not so my brother, and his gun-toting friends.

He just HAD to know how the gun operated, and inserted a shotgun shell.  Apparently the gun had a 6-inch split, at the back of the barrel.  Instead of cocking, as the bolt was raised, it allowed the cocking cam to slip out of a groove, machined into the barrel, and hang up on the barrel’s rear edge.  When the bolt was pushed forward, it stretched the firing spring, and when the bolt was cranked down, to lock it, the cam snapped back into its slot, and suddenly flew forward, firing the gun.

A couple of fortuitous degrees of angle, or inches of difference in where he, and I, were standing, were the only things that prevented me from becoming a Wisconsin Swiss-Cheese-Head. The gun’s vendor had not wanted to lose a sale by mentioning the flaw, but had to refund my money, and got a good blast from both me and my Dad.  My brother never did end up owning a gun, and it’s probably just as well.

Do any of you have an almost-died story that you wish to share?  This is not my only one.  My brother also almost drowned the both of us one time.   😯  I’m alive and safe now, and look forward to hearing from you again soon.

 

 

WOW #25

Embarrassment

“Twenty words that will show your age.” – That’s the title of one of Dictionary.com’s articles.  Another is, “Only kids from the 90s know these words.”  I was already feeling old, when I ran into….

BAGATELLE

Definitions for bagatelle

something of little value or importance; a trifle. a game played on a board having holes at one end into which balls are to be struck with a cue. pinball.

Origin of bagatelle Bagatelle came to English from French, from Upper Italian bagat(t)ella, equivalent to bagatt(a) “small possession.” It entered English in the 1630s.

And the bagatelle begat Pong. And Pong begat the video arcade. And the video arcade begat the game console, and people began to ignore each other, even sitting side by side. And the game console passed its mighty power unto the smart phone and the tablet. Mesmerised by the pretty blue screens, people began wandering around, bumping into each other, street signs, and mall fountains.

….I’ve got no finish for this post, just the usual random rant about the speed and scope of social and technological change – seemingly within a fruit-fly’s life-span – from mechanical to electric to electronic to digital, and soon, to quantum, from 6-volt cars to 12-volt, from 120-volt home appliances to 12-volt-transformer units, from incandescent lights, to fluorescent, to LEDs.

I’ve played a variety of pinball machines as a teen. Even younger, my parents gave me a Christmas present of a bagatelle. It was an undersized spring-loaded plastic replica of a 1911A Colt .45 caliber pistol, which fired pea-sized ball-bearings at targets enclosed by plastic dome, 18 inches away. It may have been the cause of my life-long love of the ‘look’ of the venerable, American-designed and made pistol. It was an inexpensive bagatelle game then, but if I’d kept it in good condition, I could have sold it to a collector for enough to finance my retirement now.

In my little hometown in the late 1940s and ‘50s, there were a few intellectuals who actually used the word ‘bagatelle.’ The phrase, “It’s a mere bagatelle.” might have been a requote of actor/comic W. C. Fields. Of course, the illiterate pond-scum that I was forced to hang around with said, “A mere bag o’ shells.” The informational value is almost the same – an inconsequential thing of little value.

Your visits and comments are not a mere bagatelle. What have you got to say about this dated old word?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BRAINRANTS!

Birthday Cake

I sent BrainRants a birthday present!

From comments on previous years’ posts, I knew that BrainRants’ birthday was some time late in January. Using stalker senses honed by sticking my nose into Cordelia’s Mom’s business, I found a link to the employment consultant who was aiding him in obtaining suitable civilian employment.

She’s a lovely lady. Wanting to surprise Rants, I sent her a package, along with a note, asking if she could discreetly forward it to Mrs. BrainRants.  No black helicopters came winging north over the border, only an email saying, “Can do, and did!”

Rants’ new bride doesn’t know me from Santa Claus.  Inside the shipping envelope I included another note, asking if she could hand him the final package on the fateful day.  She obviously knows of his blogging, and coterie of blog-friends.

Perhaps the arrival of strange bundles, delivered in odd ways, isn’t all that unusual. All I know is that the FBI didn’t ask the RCMP to stop around and ask some pointed questions.

SDC10927

SDC10931

During my ongoing housecleaning, I realised that I possessed two commemorative medallions, one bronze, the other aluminum, honoring astronauts, and the Apollo 11 and 12, 1960s Moon Missions. Knowing of Rants’ interest in science, NASA and the moon, I wondered if he might have any interest in them.

SDC10936

I included a shield-shaped Canada shoulder patch which I picked up the day I went to photograph the tank and Spitfire.  I doubt that he has uniforms anymore.  The army made him turn all his stuff in.  He would only wear one for a special occasion, and the Maple Leaf patch would not be allowed because it is non-regulation.

SDC10932

No cost was spared when I packaged his coins in the Costco box I received my membership-renewal Christmas gift card in.

While not ‘strange’, my plan was unexpected and unannounced. Mrs. Rants was apparently willing to go along with it.  She sneaked out an email to confirm that she had received his gift, and presented it to him.  I received another, from him, thanking me for my little piece of thoughtfulness.

This sending of physical packages and actual printed letters seems almost outdated in today’s electronic society. I couldn’t use a drone, because the DC area is a no-fly zone.  Somebody, perhaps Rants himself, would have shot it down.

If you haven’t already, drop in to his site, wish him a Happy Belated Birthday, and really make him feel old. I had hoped that another gift might be the ability to announce that he has secured gainful and productive employment.  We waited – but none of us as hard as him, and now everyone’s wish has been granted.  He scored a job – cube-drone trainee, working under Dilbert.  Still got the training wheels on. Good Luck, Rants, and thanx.  😎

20160207_091955

The presents, as they sit proudly in Rants’ house, at an undisclosed location in the Eastern USA.   😆