Just a few random thoughts from Pensitivity101 this week Last Bloody Christmas!

1. Ever wondered why they call them Christmas Carols?

Because three, merlot-infused suburban housewives, all named Carol, decided to share the holiday spirit – but not their spirits – by sonically assaulting neighbours by loudly singing outside their doors – sort of like a reverse Trick Or Treat  Here’s a quid.  Go annoy my hillbilly neighbour.

2. Why do we put a fairy on top of the Christmas tree?

One year, in the lead-up to Christmas, Santa was having some production delay problems, to the point that he forgot to put up a Christmas tree.  The elves were helping solve the problems and get caught up, but one OCD little fairy kept bugging him about the tree.  Santa, we have to put up the Christmas tree.  Santo we have to decorate the tree.  Santa, don’t forget the Christmas tree!

Finally Santa had had enough, and he snapped and yelled at the little fairy.  Take your G*d***ned f**king Christmas tree, and stick it up your ass!!  Ever since, that’s why the fairy has been stuck on the top of the tree.

3. Are St Nicholas and Old Nick the Jekyll and Hyde of Christmas?
More like Abbott and Costello – Who’s on Advent??  Watt??  No, he’s Jewish.  You better straighten up and fly right mister, or I’m gonna put coal in your stocking.  I’m Chinese, dude!  Bring a truckload, and screw your Climate Change Accord.  I think I’m gonna become Ukrainian after this little contretemps.  When the rest of us are finished partying, they still have another 12 days of Christmas.

4. Why do we traditionally kiss under the mistletoe?
It blocks the lens of the office security CCTV camera, and we can get away with a bit of slap and tickle.

5. Why is it Christmas lights work when we put them away but don’t when we take them out the following year?
Quantum entanglement.  Oh wait, that’s a different, but related problem.  It’s only after you’ve spent a half-hour untangling the mess, that you discover they don’t work.

6. Why are pigs in blankets so-called?
After we lose all self-control (yet again), and stuff ourselves with more food than some entire small countries consume, we head to bed to sleep off the tryptophan hangover.  I’ve bought stock in Tums, Rolaids, Maalox, and Pepto-Bismol.  I’ll be rich, if I don’t spend it all on sweet potato pie and dressing.

7. Should we have cream or custard on mince pies?
Yes – but not on the same piece.  Personally, I prefer mince tarts as Peter Tork of The Monkees Peter Percival Patterson did, and I like mine warmed, with a bit of French vanilla ice cream on them.

8. How did a Christmas Stocking originate?
That was when the poor Ladies of Negotiable Virtue, back in Victorian times, offered more than ‘curry in a hurry,’ right on the streets.  Since they didn’t have a dresser or a bedside night table to leave the toll on, they hung an empty stocking (They weren’t wearing it at the time.) on a gaslight lamp-post, to collect their tuppence, thruppence, ha’pennies.

9. Do you like the idea of a white Christmas?
Sure!  Let the brown ones have Diwali, and the black ones have Kwanzaa.

10. Have you been naughty or nice?

On many occasions, often at the same time.