Tag Archives: problems

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’25 A To Z Challenge – N

I HAVE A HORSE THAT I NAMED ‘MAYO’
MY HORSE MAYO, NEIGHS

Now, don’t get your nickers in a not.

Just more proof that English will never be written phonetically, when we get to the meat/meet/mete of the problem.

English is Janus-like – two-faced.  You can dabble around the edge with clarity, problem-free, but you don’t need to wade in too far to find out how simply complex it can be.  Most dictionaries insist that

NICKERS

are the same as neighs, but my horsy friends who speak English, insist that it’s the difference between a giggle, and a guffaw.

Identical pronunciation aside, there are three quite different meanings for the word.  Nicker can be a sound that a horse makes.  It can also be a person or thing that makes nicks in something – like Stevie Nicks, of Fleetwood Mac.  As a Canadian, I was interested to find that it’s also a British, and Australian, slang term for a Pound, Sterling.

I never say nay, but I’m gonna ride off into the sunset of Wednesday.  Feel free to saddle up and follow.

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Fibbing Friday #261

Definitions from Pensitivity101 last week. What can you come up with for these please?

Of all my relations…. I like sex the best.  It used to be my favorite indoor sport. I was an Olympic gold medalist.  Now I’m permanently disqualified.  You’ll notice a theme below.


1. Embiggen

It’s what you hope to get from visiting porn sites.

2. Eargasm

It’s what you get from visiting those $3.99/minute, Talk Dirty To Me phone lines.

3. Erumpent

Doin’ it doggy-style

4. Eldritch

Having ritual intercourse during a coven meeting

5. Epizootic

Having sex with an animal – this applies to men only.  Many women have a similar, but different, problem.

6. Frabjous

This is the cool-down period after an energetic horizontal tango session – or when you have to pull out your wallet, to pay for services rendered.

7. Floo-fla

Brits call this a fanny.  It’s what many Americans call Trump.

8. Fipple

Front door only?  No going around to the servants’ entrance??  But it’s my birthday!

9. Floop

Honest honey, this has never happened to me before.  Maybe if you talked to it a little, gave it a little kiss?

10. Fizgig

Was it good for you?

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Symmetry/Asymmetry

In an argument or discussion, most people expect the other guy to think and act the same way they do.

Those who raise questions about the God hypothesis and the soul hypothesis are by no means all atheists.  An atheist is someone who is certain that God does not exist, someone who has compelling evidence against the existence of God.  I know of no such compelling evidence.  Because God can be relegated to remote times and places and to ultimate causes, we would have to know a great deal more about the universe than we do to be sure that no such God exists.  To be certain of the existence of God and to be certain of the nonexistence of God seem to me to be the confident extremes in a subject so riddled with doubt and uncertainty as to inspire very little confidence indeed.
    —    Carl Sagan

I am disappointed that normally clear-thinking Carl Sagan once said this, but I am not surprised that he did, or that I recently found it offered as some sort of rebuttal/argument, on some Christian Apologist’s blog-site.

(Almost) no Atheist claims to know for certain, that God does not exist.  Rather, they claim to know that the very concept of a God is not coherent, and every definition and description that they have been presented with, lacks sufficient convincing evidence to be believable.

The problem is not with the Theist’s God, or its existence.  It is with the Theist’s arguments and presentation.  Faith is not a virtue.  It is the excuse that people give when they don’t have a good reason to support their Theistic beliefs.  If they had a good reason, they would present that.

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Mirror, Mirror, On The Wall

 

HELP, I NEED SOMEBODY
HELP, I NEED EVERYBODY

A problem-solver seminar teacher once told a class of us that, generally, a group approach to a problem offers a better chance at a better solution, because no one person can think of all the angles to the puzzle.  That’s why sites like Quora have become so popular.  Now it’s my turn.

There’s a weekly column in my newspaper, titled “Television Q & A.”  The writer gives answers to widely assorted entertainment questions – from who played Aunt Bessie, in The Maltese Falcon, to when the new Jack Reacher series will debut.

His name is Rich Heldenfels.  He syndicates with Tribune News Services, which is part of the Chicago Tribune, but actually works for/with the Boston Herald.  I want to ask a strange (Quelle surprise) television-related question.

Neither the daughter, who is FAR more internet-savvy, nor I, have been able to find a web-page for either of the papers, to submit my question.  If any of my readers know of a way to contact them, I would greatly appreciate a comment with a link.

I want to ask why many movie and television clips on YouTube, are shown photo-reversed.  It is amusing, but distracting, to see the likes of the two guys from the Big Bang Theory, apparently exit Penny’s apartment, and go down the stairs on the wrong side of the elevator shaft, wearing tee-shirts printed in Russian, or two left-handed, old-west gunfighters dueling.

The son thinks that it might have to do with copyright, but I’ve seen a few pairs of clips from different submitters – one right-hand, the other left-hand.  One shows Clint Eastwood, as the High Plains Drifter, enter the saloon from the right, and draw and fire right-handed.  Then the other shows him enter from the left, and shoot left.  I even saw an Idiots In Cars video from Russia.  It begins normally, but halfway through, for 30 seconds, the vehicles change sides, then, suddenly, back where they belong.

It’s difficult to know just how pervasive this is, unless there’s opening credits on the screen in Polish, or the American ECILOP car is driving on the left.  Has anyone else noticed this??  Does anyone know how I can find out why??  C’mon guys – help me out here.  I know at least two bloggers from Chicago, but only one who is even close to Boston.

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Come Sit For A Spell

W-E-T-H-I-R

That’s the worst spell of weather we’ve had in a while.

I recently read that someone, with the best of intentions, suggested that English language words should be standardized by using phonetic fonetic spelling.  Get rid of the letter C.  Use either S, or K.  Get rid of the Greek ‘ph.’  Use only the letter F.

This idea arises from time to time – usually when some new-generation Gung-Ho fails to do the research that the last generation did, believes that he has had an original idea, and runs smack-dab into the reality that is the hybrid English lingua franca.

This would be a worthy project, helping native English users, as well as many confused immigrants, learning ESL.  The biggest problem is that there are so many words in the English language.  It means that there are dozens – HUNDREDS – of pairs, or groups, of words which have different spellings, different meanings, yet the same fonetic pronunciation.

What would fonetic spelling proponents do with lists of words like:
sight – site – cite
isle – aisle – I’ll
sees – seas – seize
I – eye – aye
meat – meet – mete
heel – heal – he’ll
wheel – weal – we’ll
peek – peak – pique
great – grate
break – brake
air – err – heir – ere – e’er – Ayr – Ayer ??!

One size spelling definitely does not fit all!  How would any reader know which meaning to assign, without the varied spellings??  Suggestions have been made to slowly phase faze (oops, there’s another) the project in, with certain groups of words being changed, while others retain their Indigenous status until next time.  Potential Bedlam!!

In September, 1967, after 268 years of driving on the wrong left side of the road, like the British and Japanese, the Swedes changed over to the right.  The General Manager of the Swedish-owned plant where I worked, once told us the story as an object lesson.  He claimed that the Government worried that the transformation would not go smoothly, so, on the first day, only trucks and commercial vehicles had to use the other side.  Cars and motorcycles and such could wait till the second day.

If you’re gonna do it – DO IT!  Rip off the bandage!  It will only hurt once.  But in this case, I don’t think that it could ever be done faster than the normal evolution of the language.  What about you??  IMHO, LOL, NSFW, YOLO, TTFN, BRB, G.O.D.  🙄

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Problems With One-Liners

Don’t be part of the problem….
….Be the entire problem.

These weekends are starting to feel….
….like a half-hour lunch break.

I just put an electric fence around my garden….
….The neighbors are dead against it.

I managed to weigh a rainbow….
….but it was pretty light.

Principal: Your son is always causing trouble at school….
….Me:  He’s also always causing trouble at home.  Do I call you?

I like people the way I like my tea….
….in a bag, and underwater.

You’re autistic?  Does that mean you take everything literally?….
….Nah, that’s kleptomaniacs.

My son is now at the age where he’s curious about the human body….
….I guess I’ll have to hide it somewhere else.

My housemates are convinced that the house is haunted….
….I’ve lived here 274 years and never noticed anything strange.

My yoga instructor was drunk today….
….She put me in an awkward position.

I’ve had complaints that all my jokes are in English, so here’s one in Spanish….
….Uno.

I went to the corner store….
….bought four corners

I heard the funniest time travel joke….
….tomorrow.

“Welcome back everybody!” is not the best way to start a speech….
….if you’re the best man at your friend’s second wedding.

The worst part of drug addiction….
….is ending up religious.

A Roman soldier walks into a bar, holds up two fingers….
….and says, “Five beers please.”

Can you describe Napoleon’s origin?….
….’Course I can.

I was asked to play the part of Brutus, in the play Julius Caesar….
….I said I’d take a stab at it.

My wife wanted to go on a vacation, but I wanted a staycation….
….so we compromised and had an altercation.

The difference between an onion, and a bagpipe????
….No-one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.

I came third in a star naming competition recently….
….I got a constellation prize.

The leading cause of injury in old men….
….is thinking they’re still young men

I was very impressed with the Optician….
….I saw today.

I asked my surgeon if he minded if I administered my own anesthetic….
….He said, “Sure!  Knock yourself out.”

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Randy Fibbing Friday

Just a few random thoughts from Pensitivity101 this week Last Bloody Christmas!

 

  1. Ever wondered why they call them Christmas Carols?

Because three, merlot-infused suburban housewives, all named Carol, decided to share the holiday spirit – but not their spirits – by sonically assaulting neighbours by loudly singing outside their doors – sort of like a reverse Trick Or Treat  Here’s a quid.  Go annoy my hillbilly neighbour.

2. Why do we put a fairy on top of the Christmas tree?

One year, in the lead-up to Christmas, Santa was having some production delay problems, to the point that he forgot to put up a Christmas tree.  The elves were helping solve the problems and get caught up, but one OCD little fairy kept bugging him about the tree.  Santa, we have to put up the Christmas tree.  Santo we have to decorate the tree.  Santa, don’t forget the Christmas tree!

Finally Santa had had enough, and he snapped and yelled at the little fairy.  Take your G*d***ned f**king Christmas tree, and stick it up your ass!!  Ever since, that’s why the fairy has been stuck on the top of the tree.

3. Are St Nicholas and Old Nick the Jekyll and Hyde of Christmas?
More like Abbott and Costello – Who’s on Advent??  Watt??  No, he’s Jewish.  You better straighten up and fly right mister, or I’m gonna put coal in your stocking.  I’m Chinese, dude!  Bring a truckload, and screw your Climate Change Accord.  I think I’m gonna become Ukrainian after this little contretemps.  When the rest of us are finished partying, they still have another 12 days of Christmas.

4. Why do we traditionally kiss under the mistletoe?
It blocks the lens of the office security CCTV camera, and we can get away with a bit of slap and tickle.

5. Why is it Christmas lights work when we put them away but don’t when we take them out the following year?
Quantum entanglement.  Oh wait, that’s a different, but related problem.  It’s only after you’ve spent a half-hour untangling the mess, that you discover they don’t work.

6. Why are pigs in blankets so-called?
After we lose all self-control (yet again), and stuff ourselves with more food than some entire small countries consume, we head to bed to sleep off the tryptophan hangover.  I’ve bought stock in Tums, Rolaids, Maalox, and Pepto-Bismol.  I’ll be rich, if I don’t spend it all on sweet potato pie and dressing.

7. Should we have cream or custard on mince pies?
Yes – but not on the same piece.  Personally, I prefer mince tarts as Peter Tork of The Monkees Peter Percival Patterson did, and I like mine warmed, with a bit of French vanilla ice cream on them.

8. How did a Christmas Stocking originate?
That was when the poor Ladies of Negotiable Virtue, back in Victorian times, offered more than ‘curry in a hurry,’ right on the streets.  Since they didn’t have a dresser or a bedside night table to leave the toll on, they hung an empty stocking (They weren’t wearing it at the time.) on a gaslight lamp-post, to collect their tuppence, thruppence, ha’pennies.

9. Do you like the idea of a white Christmas?
Sure!  Let the brown ones have Diwali, and the black ones have Kwanzaa.

10. Have you been naughty or nice?

On many occasions, often at the same time.

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’23 A To Z Challenge – N

I recently composed a post where I declared that it would be impossible to simplify and standardize the English language by using phonetic spelling, when there are groups of words like

not, knot, and naught

With well over a million words, it is inevitable that there are whole bunches of similar word-pairs and groups, with identical pronunciation, but different spellings and meanings.  How would phonetic spelling tell them apart??

I was recently made aware of a similar, related problem.  An IT Tech tried to convince me to use a voice-to-text app, to compose my posts.  I began to pay more attention to what I was seeing, and the results were dismaying, if often amusing.

In a video report about an auction of Nazi memorabilia, “Eva Braun’s dress” became have a bronze dress.  Alexa and Siri are only in kindergarten.  I’m going to wait until they and their AI friends graduate from university with an English Major diploma.

Knickerbockers were the predecessors of the magical Mormon underwear, with a Dutch accent.  In an era of Victorian prudery, they covered, with enough fabric to build a small tent.  Over time, both the clothing article and the word shrank in size, until the term, “knickers,” covered clothing articles like bikini briefs, G-strings, and thongs, which cover almost nothing.

For some reason, the British have seized upon this American term with the Dutch foundation, and use it widely.  Show us yer knickers.  But then, these are folks who think that Earl Grey tea has a vintage.

My osteopath owns a horse.  When she tells him about a proposed attempt at imposing phonetic spelling, he

NICKERS

  1. (of a horse) to neigh softly
  2. to laugh quietly; snigger    😀
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Happy Birthday John E.

A funny thing happened on my way to the Post Office.  It wasn’t there.  😳

I sent John Erickson, who litters decorates my blogposts with witty comments, a birthday present.  His actual birthday is still over four months away, but I was using the Canadian, metric calendar, and got my conversions mixed up.  I sent BrainRants a birthday present some years ago, and there were very few repercussions, so I thought I’d risk it again.  Since it was by surface mail, TSA didn’t get involved.

The daughter’s bestie likes to buy the occasional commemorative coin from the Canadian Mint.  She claims that she only intended to buy one, but wound up with two coins medallions, celebrating the life of Queen Elizabeth II.  Since she knew that I was interested in coins, she gave one to the daughter to pass on to me.

While I am ‘interested in coins,’ I am interested in mostly foreign coins.  Even though this is a magnificent artifact, it is neither foreign, nor a coin.  It has no face value.  It is a medallion.  If I kept it, it would only languish in a box.  I thought of John E.  Despite being an American, marooned in the wilds of Ohio, he is a greater – finer, Anglophile, Royalist, and Elizabethan than I ever could be.  When Elizabeth died, he wailed so loudly that, “My Queen has died!!” that I thought he was talking about his wife.  I decided to send it to him as a surprise present.  I put it in a bubble-pack mailer, added a cover letter, and headed for the post office.

In Southern Ontario, Canada Post has a sorting and shipping depot in every large urban area.  All of the other Postal Services, they have abdicated to branches of the most populous pharmacy chain, as well as some selected convenience stores.  Certain clerks are supposed to be trained to Canada Post levels, on Canada Post protocols and procedures.  I have a pharmacy nearby, but I was headed for the Wal-Mart out on the Golden Mile, so I went to the drug-store next to it.

Some of the stores are mirror images of each other.  I marched in to the left-rear corner.  Hmmm, cosmetics.  I grumpily stomped over to the right-rear corner.  Grrr!!, vitamins.   Where in Hell is the postal outlet???  A clerk told me that they are the only branch which does not host one, and she had no idea why not.  The one by my house is nearer but, “If you’re going to the XXX Plaza, on the other side of town, there’s a store over there with a postal outlet.”

By coincidence, we were headed for that plaza, to reap savings on grocery sale prices.  This damned inflation is eating better than I am.  While the wife grocery-shopped, I walked over to the pharmacy and stood in line – and stood in line – AND STOOD IN LINE!!  That part of Postal Service, they have mastered.  The woman in front of me had a mailer identical to mine.  She finally stepped forward, handed it to the ‘Postal’ clerk, asked that he check that it was ready to go, and to please apply sufficient postage.  It was judged okay.  $2.08 later, she was on her way.  I stepped up, handed the same clerk the same mailer, and asked for the same thing – check that it was ready to ship and apply postage.  $2.08 later my little package was on its way.

I excitedly waited for an email from John, that the parcel had arrived….  Two weeks later, I went to the community mailbox to pick up my own mail, and there was my mailer back again.  It had a Canada Post sticker over my address label, with three little boxes – all checked.  Insufficient postage – Incorrect label – This service not available in this country  W.T.F!!?

The next day, I went to a convenience store.  It’s a bit farther than the pharmacy.  The people who run the store, and the Postal Outlet, are recent immigrants, but I’ve used them before, and feel confident.  I handed the clerk the package and asked what was wrong with it, and how could I correct any problems.

Three check marks – three lies!!  I had sufficient postage, but I was also expected to pay for a Customs Declaration of value.  My address label was correct, but I was expected to add the Customs label, because…. The country that didn’t provide the service was the USA.  “You’ll have to send this as a small parcel.”  “What the Hell is in your hand, if it’s not a small parcel??”  “Well, it needs the Customs sticker added to it.  How much is it worth??”  I received it as a present.  I don’t know!?

I guessed at $29.95 Cdn, hoping that John would not have to pay duty on it when he received it.  If he did, I should have guessed $9.95.  How much for the Customs sticker?  $10.00, do you want it traced??  I didn’t trace it the first time.  How much to trace?  “Only another $5.00.”  Screw that!  If it don’t arrive, I just won’t tell John I tried.

When I got home, and told the wife what had happened, she innocently said, “Well, we could have driven it down.”  Are you saying that we might go on a trip?  Further adventures may ensue.  😀

Four days later, I got an excited, grateful email from John.  Apparently, I done so good that he and his wife were willing to consider another short visit.  😎

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CANCER!

Well, that title got your attention!

The wife is going to be on TV – YouTube, actually – opposite a world-famous star.
I’ll send you the link later if you want.
You won’t see her face, just her guts, if you have the guts to watch.

The local YouTube videos are liberally sprinkled with Ontario Health PSA’s.  Middle-aged and older women, some alone, some with husbands/partners, all smiling at the camera, with the printed tagline,
I’m here because we caught it early!  😀

IT was cervical cancer!  Twenty years ago, a pap-smear result had me driving the daughter 75 miles to a specialty-clinic in the London, Ontario University Hospital, for a little nip and tuck, and removal of a small, pre-cancerous – or just-cancerous, polyp.  She’s still here because they caught it early.

THEN THERE’S THE WIFE!
It all started innocently enough….
(How often have I used that line?)

After the wife fell down and banged her head, her doctor started a battery of tests to find out why.  The first thing she discovered was that the wife was mildly anemic.  The cause is often a minor internal bleed, so she ordered a colonoscopy and a gastric endoscopy.  This is the wife’s fourth colonoscopy in 12 years.  She made the G.I. guy promise to do the top end first.

He found and removed several polyps from her stomach, upper intestine, and lower intestine….  Then he found a big, nasty one right exactly where you don’t want to find one – at the narrow bottom of the duodenum, the hardest point in the body to get to, and work at.  The local doctor and hospital have about an 80/85% confidence level, so he referred her to a specialty-clinic at St. Michael’s Hospital in Toronto.  Any of the four surgeons, and the hospital’s high-tech equipment, rate 90/95% confidence.

He sent along color pictures.  We thought that the March 6th visit would be for removal, but this guy wanted to do some more research.  A needle biopsy had indicated no evidence of cancer, but the big-city sawbones felt sure that there were some cancer cells sprinkled through it, that were randomly missed.

Whether cancerous or not, this thing’s got to come out – ASAP!  Already it almost blocks the passage, and getting bigger.  Scheduled surgery in Kitchener would have been mid-September.  Especially if this thing goes cancerous, that would be far too late.  The Toronto-doc could schedule it for mid- April.

This polyp is so large, so nasty, and so inaccessible, that our surgeon had all three of his partners watching the view-screen, offering thoughts and opinions, while he worked.  The best choice for removal was endoscopically, rather than invasive abdominal surgery.  He was pretty sure that he could take it out, but there were potential problems.  It’s a big mushroom.  If he snips it off too high up the stem, it and/or the cancer might regrow.  If he cut too close to the bottom, he might perforate the thin duodenum wall, damaging the liver and pancreas, and necessitating the abdominal surgery to repair the mishap.

One of the reasons that his best scheduled surgery date was mid-April, was that on March 28, 29, and 30th, the clinic and hospital were hosting a world-wide conference of the best G.I. surgeons, including a ninja-Japanese surgeon with a confidence rating of 99/101%.  If this guy is not number one in the world, he’s in the top five

They were watching for problem cases like the wife’s, so that he could show his talents.  If we agreed, she would be part of a video of his work, to train and improve other surgeons.  Two of the benefits were that the operation would be done three weeks even sooner, and it would be done by the world’s best.  Of course we agreed – all that, and for free, under Canada’s socialized medical system.

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Stay tuned.  Murphy got a chance to read the first draft, and has added some plot twists in the next chapter.   😳