Tag Archives: coins

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Stolen One-Liners

 

I have kleptomania….
….When it gets bad, I take something for it.

I gotta teach my facial expressions….
….how to use their indoor voice.

After over 50 years of marriage, the wife and I still find things to talk about….
….just not to each other, obviously.

I have an aviation joke….
….but it would probably go over your head.

Four out of three people….
….struggle with math.

It’s all shits and giggles….
….till someone giggles and shits.

Black cats don’t cause bad luck….
….Your life was already shit.

I used to think drinking was bad for me….
….so I gave up – thinking.

Dear Santa, before I explain….
….how much do you know already??

Due to a recent coin shortage….
….no-one is allowed to put in their two cents worth.

The less people know….
….the longer the explanation.

Many people stop looking for work….
….when they find a job.

If you think that marriage is 50/50….
….you don’t know the half of it.

Weed, beer, and whiskey are all made from plants….
….I think I might be a vegetarian.

Knock, knock.  Who’s there?….
….Doorbell repairman.

If people make you sick….
….maybe you should cook them longer.

I’ve taken up pottery in retirement….
….Just kiln time.

The “Earth” without “Art”….
….is just “Eh.”

Do electricians listen to AC/DC….
….or something more current?

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Fibbing Friday #306

Mixed bag last week, so Pensitivity101 was looking forward to our ideas on these.
Complete the saying:

1. Mad as a ……………..

MAGAt, when he drinks the Kool-Aid

2. It’ll all come out in ……………….

The Epstein files.

3. Two’s company, three’s …………….

an extra charge at the massage parlor.

4.  Hi ho ……………………………………

The Lone Ranger is no longer Works Manager at the Seven Dwarfs’ dig.  He opened his own silver mine – a sterling position.

5.  Every cloud has ……………………

About 90% porn uploaded to it.

6.  Sticks and stones ……………….

And you’ll have the second little piggy’s house

7.  In for penny……………..

Because that’s all a Taylor Swift concert is really worth.

8.  Don’t count your …………………..

Fingers, after you shake a politician’s hand.  You may be missing some.

9.  Let sleeping dogs……………….

Lie.  They never tell the truth, anyway.  The badger was THIS big!

10. Hands, knees and …………………..

And I gotta leave the pub earlier

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Money For Nothing – And The Kicks For Free

Sticking my nose into other people’s business became profitable again; not Retire To The Riviera profitable, more like a hot chocolate and apple fritter at Tim Horton’s.

I stopped at a local grocery for chocolate milk.  As I do every time, I checked out the coin-counting machine on my way out.  I don’t know why anyone would use these things.  The percentage rate of payout is lower than most casinos, without the excitement of the bells and lights.

I leaned over and inspected the overflow chute, and was rewarded with the gleam of coins – two handfuls – half a shirt-pocketful.

As always, I waited till I got home to count the loot – $9.80, plus a couple of minor treasures.  4 Toonies = $8, plus a bunch of quarters, dimes, and nickels.  One dime was pre-1965 silver, worth three times its face value.  The rest filled my dime bank, to produce a roll that I will deposit in a bank account that I had hoped would help finance a trip to visit John Erickson, but which Trump et al’s insanity is making less and less likely.

The other prize was what probably caused the log-jam – an 1870 Canadian, silver, five-cent coin, as thin as a dime, and about half the surface area.  In 1922 it grew to its current size, and it was called a nickel, because it was made of nickel,  Other than the Copperpenny – a local band who had a couple of hits, riding on the British invasion – this was the first Canadian coin that was not made of silver.  Surprisingly, my coin is not terribly rare, and is only worth about $2, but my little Silver Surfer is mounted and placed in my coin catalog.  

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Pensioner’s Fibbing Friday

Last week the questions were courtesy of Pensitivty101’s works pension newsletter quiz.

1.  To the nearest mile, how many miles of nerves do we have in the human body?

I’m not sure, but that neighbour bitch is getting on my last one.

2.   Of the 300,000 different edible plants on earth, how many do we eat?

COWS EAT GRASS
I EAT COWS
I AM VEGAN!!

I did not claw my way to the top of the food chain, to eat crap that’s dug out of ditches – watercress, endive,  mint, nettles??!  A nice baked potato with my filet mignon, smothered in clotted cream with some chopped green onions is okay – along with perhaps some sliced cabbage Cole slaw.  Oats in my porridge, rye in my whiskey, wheat in my baps.  Brussels sprouts – little green brains.  Broccoli – the earliest GMO.  French beans are for Frogs who eat snails.

3.  What colour is snow on Pluto?

The snow underneath Pluto is yellow.

4.   What is the dot on the letter ‘i’ called?

Well, really, it’s Emily, but she likes to be referred to as Pangloss
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5.   How many presidents of the USA died on July 4th?

Nobody, according to the current US Hierarchy!  They aren’t going to admit to anything that doesn’t benefit them.

6.  What does Pinocchio mean in Italian?

Pedophilic fetish

7.   What are the six official languages of the UN?

Coffee, tea, wine, vodka, sangria, and “hold my beer”

8.   What city was Italy’s first capital?

Italy’s first capital was LSD – Silver coins in Librum, Sesterces, and Denarius values – a system imitated by Britain, with their £ Pound, Shillings, and d pence.  It worked well for over 2000 years, until some carpet-bagger bureaucrat unified the country.

To prove that it was equal to France (a low bar – probably in Toulouse) he gave it the new Lira.  At first, I thought that the word meant that people could read his name on their new money, but it was just mumbo-jumbo-gumbo.  Mouthfuls of pasta devolved librum to lira.

150 years later, a new generation of Nigerian Prince con artist bureaucrat convinced Italy to join the EU, where everyone was equal, like Animal Farm, where some were more equal than others. From this side of the pond, I think that England was wise to vote Brexit..  They got to keep their dignity, as well as their monetary system.

9.   What does an average human head weigh?

Extraordinary human heads weigh deep, philosophical, socially-significant things like the total mass of dark matter in the Universe.  Average human heads only weigh things like, WTF!!  How in hell did Donald the Trumpet get elected president again??!

10.  Who was Spencer Perceval?

Alan Turing’s last boyfriend

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Castle Fibbing Friday

Last week Pensitivty101’s questions were provided by Willow. Thanks Willow!
https://willowdot21.wordpress.com/

1.What is a codpiece?

An extra serving at the local fish & chips shop.

2. What is a doublet?

Two pints of stout, for the price of one, during the pub’s “Happy Hour.”

3. Who wears the hose?

That big, strong, handsome, manly-man firefighter.

4. What is a gauntlet?

It is the runway that models parade on, at fashion shows.  The scrawny, underfed models could be replaced with their 13-year-old brothers.  I can’t imagine having sex with most of them.  I might get splinters.

5. What’s kept in the moat?

A couple of cases of Newcastle Brown Ale, to keep them cool, and out of sight of the drunken ostler.

6. Where is the portcullis?

It’s a little device that the wife had installed on my liquor cabinet, which restricts my intake of red wine.  It’s like a Breathalyzer™.  Just blow into the little tube.  If you’re under the limit, it will dispense some more.
I will huff, and puff, and I will blow this damned contraption down.
How much should you spend on a bottle of wine??  About a half an hour.

7. Who wields the battle axe?

My darling wife is …. uh – does.

8. Where is the draw bridge?

Right there on the sign.

9. What is a catapult?

That’s the little “SURPRISE” game that our big feline sometimes likes to play on the dog.  Puppy will enter the living room, when suddenly, out of nowhere, the cat lands in front of her.  He’s half Maine Coon, and only slightly smaller than a Buick.  Neither the dog nor I can figure where he comes from.  I think he hides behind the wallpaper.

10. What is a flagon?

That’s what a jingoist, redneck, hillbilly, American’s got.  A flag on his front porch – a flag on his pickup truck, and even a flag tattooed on his arm.  My country – right or wrong!

 

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Smitty’s Loose Change #24

The Grandson got to the supermarket nearest to me before I did.  As a New Year’s present, he brought me from the chute of their coin-counter, a Canadian quarter and nickel, an American quarter, two nickels, two dimes – one a 1946, worn flat and almost illegible, and a bronze?/brass? – It ain’t copper – a One something coin from Serbia.  I need to research it, to find what it is, and made from.  This is my first Serbian coin.  I have several from Croatia, but none from Serbia.

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I keep forgetting to work on my writing. I keep forgetting to write and submit my writing. Buy my books on Amazon.

I was going to, but I keep forgetting.  😮

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If u cud recomend me a book. wot wud u recomend?

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If you’re wearing a mask, why do you care if I’m not?  Yours works, doesn’t it?
If you’re sober, and I’m driving drunk, why do you care?  Your seatbelt and airbags work, don’t they?

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What part of your morning routine takes the longest?
Me: Deciding to get up.

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Other countries don’t think as we do, and their languages do not express themselves as we do.
The German surname Rosenthal is translated as Rose Valley.  English assumes that there is more than one rose in the valley.  German does not leave it to chance.  ‘Rosen” is plural.  The name more precisely/pedantically means “Valley of Roses.”

I recently opened a (Canadian) Chinese fortune cookie.  The English side said, “Your reputation is worth more than money.”  The French side said, “Your reputation is worth more than nice perfume.”

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I was recently offered ‘Dark Roast’ peanut butter, and jumped at the chance.  I wondered if it would be like dark roast coffee – a brighter, fuller flavor.  It is one chain’s ‘No-Name’ brand.  Would it be from the overcooked nuts at the bottom?  Nah.  It’s just promotion,, more lying advertising,  decent, un-homogenized peanut butter that needs the oil stirred back in prior to every use.

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I joined Linked-In because I thought that it was a social media thing, like WordPress, or Facebook.  I soon found that its main drive was an online networking group, helping people make connections, and find jobs.  Since I’m a dedicated, industrial-strength retiree who doesn’t want a job, nor can aid anyone else in getting one, I soon ignored it.

I recently received an invitation to add someone to my circle, Justin Trudeau, Prime Minister of Canada!  I didn’t do so, and a week later, I got another, identical request.  Is there an upcoming election that I haven’t heard about??!

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Smitty’s Loose Change #23

Snippets

 

Some frazzled, forgetful kindly, thoughtful person just contributed another $8.55 to my retirement fund.  I just extracted eight Loonies, two quarters and a nickel from the overflow chute of one of those in-store coin-counting machines.  It doesn’t compare to the $76 that I found last year, but every little bit helps.  I went back to the store two days later, for something I’d missed, and got another two dimes, a nickel, and a $1 token for releasing chained-up shopping carts.

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Let us not think of Freedom as the right to do as we wish, but rather as the opportunity to do what is right.

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If you had to change your name, what would the new one be?
Joe Shitz – instead of Bill.

How do you want to retire?
First, I’d wash and shave, then put my jammies on, then hop into bed.

List ten things that you know to be absolutely certain.
That there is only one thing, and this is it.

Which activities make you lose track of time?
Stopping at a jewelry store to get a new battery for my watch.

What are your future travel plans?
I don’t plan to travel to the future.  It’s difficult and quite expensive.  Besides, The Apocalypse is right around the temporal corner.  I’m just gonna stay right here now.

How would you describe yourself to someone?
Seriously undecided as to whether to say uninterested, or disinterested.

Describe your life in an alternate universe.
I’ve never been in an alternate universe.

Describe a family member.
It hangs off my right hip, and is just long enough to reach the ground.  You thought I was going to describe its neighbor to the left.  Sadly, that’s a very short story.

Where is your favorite place to go in your city?
Well…. The newest Wal-Mart has a nice clean washroom.

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I had hoped for a blog-theme prompt from my Muse, but I’m drawing a blank.

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Long-Stemmed Rose

The wife planted this beside our front walkway.  It hasn’t produced a flower, but it’s grown higher than the garage eave, and is reaching for the second-story window.

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Off The Straight And Narrow

The wife has been missing fried catfish and biscuits at Cracker Barrel restaurants.  Between COVID and finances, we haven’t been to the Excited States for over five years.  On our Ohio trip to rescue John Erickson from terminal ennui, I scheduled a stop at a Cracker Barrel in Erie PA, at approximately the halfway point, for lunch and a butt-break.

Enjoying one of these little scones is like biting into a tasty, buttery cloud.  We ordered a dozen to take with us, but our waitress only brought two more free ones in a to-go bag.  In the entire trip down, I didn’t make a wrong turn or get lost once…. Unless you count the little kerfuffle/confusion as we arrived.

With ten rescue cats in the house, and as many feral ones begging for food and water at the back door, our hosts’ kitchen is somewhat overwhelmed with bags of kitty litter, sacks of dry kibble, cases of cans of cat food, feeding dishes, and water bowls.  It is not set up to cook food, or provide eating area for guests.  We dined out each evening.

They drove out to meet us, and suggested that we join them at a McDonalds, one exit up the highway.  I misunderstood, and drove right past them to our motel.  No Problem!  They quickly followed us, and the first night we ate at an Arby’s that was unanimously agreed to be a better choice than the Golden Arches.

The next evening, she navigated us to a Mexican restaurant in the big city (? 11,000) named Fiesta Tlaquepaque.  My eyeballs crossed, and my tongue got whiplash.  Bing, Google Translate, and dictionary.com all insist that the name/word is Spanish.  It is used by a certain group of people who speak Spanish – mostly Mexicans.  It is Nahuatl, an Aztec word, which means ‘flowered walkway’ – like a bower – with a tiled floor.

The third night, we drove them down to a Cracker Barrel in Cambridge, Ohio.  John doesn’t remember ever being to one.  He loved the filling, inexpensive, home-style food, and was entranced by the tourist-trap retail maze with clothing, toys, candy, games, jams and jellies, which must be navigated, both coming and going.

I wanted to claim that we didn’t go anywhere, or do anything, but that we all enjoyed ourselves immensely.  I mean, they don’t exactly reside in a cultural center.  The closest thing to a tourist attraction would be the biggest pile of manure, outside the State capital, or the longest Amish beard.

The first afternoon, John’s wife drove my wife to a large fabric/sewing/ knitting warehouse, while John showed me all his WW I/WW II rifles, bayonets and swords, which he has used in historical re-enactments.  I retaliated by showing him some of my excess knives,  and a catalogue of coins and bills of the world.

The next day, she took the wife and I out for a cliff-clinging, nail-biting drive in the country, which ended at an Amish general store.  Their book section included two books about the Ark Encounter theme park in Kentucky.  The little ‘Understanding Islam’ book got tossed on the We Can’t Sell It – A Buck Apiece table.

I scheduled our visit for a Monday and Tuesday.  The nearby craft brewery where I hoped to buy some artisanal beer, is closed on Mondays and Tuesdays.  If we ever elect to do this again – and we’re being strongly propositioned – John assures me that there are several other such breweries within driving distance, which he can send me links to.

Including one serious got lost, on the way home, we traveled 1795 Km/1122 miles, and spent about $210 Canadian, on gas.  We all enjoyed ourselves, and got to know each other much better, and I got four blog-posts out of it.  Thanx for coming along for the ride.  😀

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Happy Birthday John E.

A funny thing happened on my way to the Post Office.  It wasn’t there.  😳

I sent John Erickson, who litters decorates my blogposts with witty comments, a birthday present.  His actual birthday is still over four months away, but I was using the Canadian, metric calendar, and got my conversions mixed up.  I sent BrainRants a birthday present some years ago, and there were very few repercussions, so I thought I’d risk it again.  Since it was by surface mail, TSA didn’t get involved.

The daughter’s bestie likes to buy the occasional commemorative coin from the Canadian Mint.  She claims that she only intended to buy one, but wound up with two coins medallions, celebrating the life of Queen Elizabeth II.  Since she knew that I was interested in coins, she gave one to the daughter to pass on to me.

While I am ‘interested in coins,’ I am interested in mostly foreign coins.  Even though this is a magnificent artifact, it is neither foreign, nor a coin.  It has no face value.  It is a medallion.  If I kept it, it would only languish in a box.  I thought of John E.  Despite being an American, marooned in the wilds of Ohio, he is a greater – finer, Anglophile, Royalist, and Elizabethan than I ever could be.  When Elizabeth died, he wailed so loudly that, “My Queen has died!!” that I thought he was talking about his wife.  I decided to send it to him as a surprise present.  I put it in a bubble-pack mailer, added a cover letter, and headed for the post office.

In Southern Ontario, Canada Post has a sorting and shipping depot in every large urban area.  All of the other Postal Services, they have abdicated to branches of the most populous pharmacy chain, as well as some selected convenience stores.  Certain clerks are supposed to be trained to Canada Post levels, on Canada Post protocols and procedures.  I have a pharmacy nearby, but I was headed for the Wal-Mart out on the Golden Mile, so I went to the drug-store next to it.

Some of the stores are mirror images of each other.  I marched in to the left-rear corner.  Hmmm, cosmetics.  I grumpily stomped over to the right-rear corner.  Grrr!!, vitamins.   Where in Hell is the postal outlet???  A clerk told me that they are the only branch which does not host one, and she had no idea why not.  The one by my house is nearer but, “If you’re going to the XXX Plaza, on the other side of town, there’s a store over there with a postal outlet.”

By coincidence, we were headed for that plaza, to reap savings on grocery sale prices.  This damned inflation is eating better than I am.  While the wife grocery-shopped, I walked over to the pharmacy and stood in line – and stood in line – AND STOOD IN LINE!!  That part of Postal Service, they have mastered.  The woman in front of me had a mailer identical to mine.  She finally stepped forward, handed it to the ‘Postal’ clerk, asked that he check that it was ready to go, and to please apply sufficient postage.  It was judged okay.  $2.08 later, she was on her way.  I stepped up, handed the same clerk the same mailer, and asked for the same thing – check that it was ready to ship and apply postage.  $2.08 later my little package was on its way.

I excitedly waited for an email from John, that the parcel had arrived….  Two weeks later, I went to the community mailbox to pick up my own mail, and there was my mailer back again.  It had a Canada Post sticker over my address label, with three little boxes – all checked.  Insufficient postage – Incorrect label – This service not available in this country  W.T.F!!?

The next day, I went to a convenience store.  It’s a bit farther than the pharmacy.  The people who run the store, and the Postal Outlet, are recent immigrants, but I’ve used them before, and feel confident.  I handed the clerk the package and asked what was wrong with it, and how could I correct any problems.

Three check marks – three lies!!  I had sufficient postage, but I was also expected to pay for a Customs Declaration of value.  My address label was correct, but I was expected to add the Customs label, because…. The country that didn’t provide the service was the USA.  “You’ll have to send this as a small parcel.”  “What the Hell is in your hand, if it’s not a small parcel??”  “Well, it needs the Customs sticker added to it.  How much is it worth??”  I received it as a present.  I don’t know!?

I guessed at $29.95 Cdn, hoping that John would not have to pay duty on it when he received it.  If he did, I should have guessed $9.95.  How much for the Customs sticker?  $10.00, do you want it traced??  I didn’t trace it the first time.  How much to trace?  “Only another $5.00.”  Screw that!  If it don’t arrive, I just won’t tell John I tried.

When I got home, and told the wife what had happened, she innocently said, “Well, we could have driven it down.”  Are you saying that we might go on a trip?  Further adventures may ensue.  😀

Four days later, I got an excited, grateful email from John.  Apparently, I done so good that he and his wife were willing to consider another short visit.  😎

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Face The Music Fibbing Friday

It was Pensitivity101’s birthday last Friday so she was having a ‘day off’ and glad to post another set of questions provided by Jim Adams.  Thanks Jim.  It’s okay.  Since I turned 70, I’ve had a lot of ‘off days.’

Music

Why did Don Mclean drive his Chevy to the levy?

That whole American Independence thing began with, “No taxation without representation.” So there was no Levy.  Instead, Don expected a big party – a soirée – a levee, but there was only some damn dam, keeping the trout stream out of his basement.

Who will stop the rain?

Homosexuals!  Some Fundamentalist preachers claim that droughts are caused because of the existence of too many gays.  Other Fundamentalists claim that hurricanes, giant thunderstorms and floods are caused by the presence of too many gay guys.  If we could just get all the gays spread out over the world in the right proportions, we could probably defeat Global Warming.

Where does the love go?

Over to Wembley Stadium.  Rafael Nadal stores it in his racquet case, because he almost never needs to use it, the oaf.

Who shot the deputy?

Mr. Johnson shot the deputy, even though he insisted that he was just working his side gig as an Uber-Eats driver, delivering egg fu yung to Mrs. Johnson on Mr. Johnson’s Rotary Club meeting nights.

Why was nobody getting fat except Mama Cass?

Did you ever see her eat??!  After last week’s big society gala, it was her that I followed to the buffet.  That woman sure could suck back the food.  If she’d been British, their vacuum cleaners would be called Elliots, instead of Hoovers.

How did the blackbird break its wings?

It inadvertently flew in an open window of the home of our local meth lab.  It flew out again, a few minutes later.  Observers report that it was travelling at 130 real Miles Per Hour, and gaining altitude quickly, when the catastrophic failure of both lift surfaces occurred.

What did the Traveling Wilburys find at the end of the line?

A prince, calling all the way from Nigeria, to tell them that he had $200 Million U.S. that he would give them 10% of, if they would just provide their banking information so that he could transfer it out of the country.

What instrument did Mr. Bojangles play?

The spoons!  After also following Mama Cass to the buffet, and finding it as empty as Mother Hubbard’s cupboard, Bill Robinson decided to use some of the now-useless cutlery to do a bit of busking and make enough coin to order a pizza.

Who lived on Desolation Row?

Bob Dylan’s mother.  So, Mister Musician, are you proud of yourself?  Your Father and I worked our fingers to the bone, and scrimped and saved so that you could go to a nice school, and get a profession, like a doctor, or a lawyer, but do we get any thanks??  Oh, no!  You want to play a guitar, and blow a silly harmonica.  At least you changed your name.  Maybe no-one will know.  You should have got a nice job, like an undertaker.

Why couldn’t the Rolling Stones get any satisfaction?

It was probably because of all the drugs that they ingested – any, or all, in combination.  I mean…. Keith Richards, snorting his father’s cremated ashes??! – And he wouldn’t even share a line with Mick and the rest of the boys.  Ron Wood looks like he stocks his bar with formaldehyde.