Tag Archives: alcohol

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One-Liner Facts

Inevitable facts….
….Death, Taxes, Shipping and Handling

You can mix many things with alcohol….
….Drunk Facebook posting should not be one of them.

The space between my ladder rungs has increased….
….due to climb-it change.

I’m not good with tech….
….How do I disconnect my wife’s auto-correct function?

I have a trickle-down economics joke….
….but 99% of you wouldn’t get it

I just checked my account balance at the ATM….
….and it printed me a coupon for Ramen noodles.

I finally got eight hours of sleep….
….It took me three nights but…. whatever.

To make a long story short….
….there’s nothing like having the boss walk in.

Tips on falling asleep in a living room chair….
….#1 – Be old  #2 – Sit in a chair  #3 (optional) Recline

If your phone autocorrects F**K to duck….
….that’s still fowl language.

An optimist is the guy who invented the airplane….
….A pessimist is the guy who invented the parachute.

Don’t put words in my mouth….
….That’s where bacon goes.

Onion rings??….
….I’m answering.

I tried to use that face-aging app…
….It just said, Nah, you’re good.

I started out feeling Bold….
….then I lost my ‘B.’

I bought a new boomerang….
….How do I throw the old one out?

I’m not a perfectionist….
….My parents were, though.

I wrote a golf joke….
….but it’s a little under-par.

My boss said that I had poor communication skills….
….I was speechless.

 

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Pensioner’s Fibbing Friday

Last week the questions were courtesy of Pensitivty101’s works pension newsletter quiz.

1.  To the nearest mile, how many miles of nerves do we have in the human body?

I’m not sure, but that neighbour bitch is getting on my last one.

2.   Of the 300,000 different edible plants on earth, how many do we eat?

COWS EAT GRASS
I EAT COWS
I AM VEGAN!!

I did not claw my way to the top of the food chain, to eat crap that’s dug out of ditches – watercress, endive,  mint, nettles??!  A nice baked potato with my filet mignon, smothered in clotted cream with some chopped green onions is okay – along with perhaps some sliced cabbage Cole slaw.  Oats in my porridge, rye in my whiskey, wheat in my baps.  Brussels sprouts – little green brains.  Broccoli – the earliest GMO.  French beans are for Frogs who eat snails.

3.  What colour is snow on Pluto?

The snow underneath Pluto is yellow.

4.   What is the dot on the letter ‘i’ called?

Well, really, it’s Emily, but she likes to be referred to as Pangloss
.
5.   How many presidents of the USA died on July 4th?

Nobody, according to the current US Hierarchy!  They aren’t going to admit to anything that doesn’t benefit them.

6.  What does Pinocchio mean in Italian?

Pedophilic fetish

7.   What are the six official languages of the UN?

Coffee, tea, wine, vodka, sangria, and “hold my beer”

8.   What city was Italy’s first capital?

Italy’s first capital was LSD – Silver coins in Librum, Sesterces, and Denarius values – a system imitated by Britain, with their £ Pound, Shillings, and d pence.  It worked well for over 2000 years, until some carpet-bagger bureaucrat unified the country.

To prove that it was equal to France (a low bar – probably in Toulouse) he gave it the new Lira.  At first, I thought that the word meant that people could read his name on their new money, but it was just mumbo-jumbo-gumbo.  Mouthfuls of pasta devolved librum to lira.

150 years later, a new generation of Nigerian Prince con artist bureaucrat convinced Italy to join the EU, where everyone was equal, like Animal Farm, where some were more equal than others. From this side of the pond, I think that England was wise to vote Brexit..  They got to keep their dignity, as well as their monetary system.

9.   What does an average human head weigh?

Extraordinary human heads weigh deep, philosophical, socially-significant things like the total mass of dark matter in the Universe.  Average human heads only weigh things like, WTF!!  How in hell did Donald the Trumpet get elected president again??!

10.  Who was Spencer Perceval?

Alan Turing’s last boyfriend

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Fibbing Friday For A Song

This week (well, Last Week) Pensitivity101 chose Song Titles, but rather than fib about who sang them, could we improvise on what they are about?

  1. Spirit in the Sky

When the Stewardess Cabin Attendant abandons the drink cart, to deal with a problem passenger, a quickly-acquired handful of those little, sample-sized bottles can help get you through the flight.

2. MacArthur Park

That’s my Karen next-door neighbour, who got her driving license when Cracker Jacks was still giving out prizes.  She parks by ear.  Her car looks like she bought it during a meteor shower.

3. A Whiter Shade of Pale

I just got an official notice from the IRS, that I’m going to be audited.

4. Crocodile Rock

It’s Elton John’s retirement plan.  He felt that if one old Queen was gone, another should stop strutting and fretting his hour upon the stage.

5. Run

I told you that those leftover meatballs had been in the refrigerator too long.

6. Don’t it make your brown eyes blue?

He is so full of bullshit that his eyes turned brown, but he’s been spreading it around so much that the level has receded.

7. Heaven can wait

It ain’t waiting for me!  They don’t wanna let me in, and Hell is afraid that I’ll take over.  I’m immortal!  😎

8. One night in Bangkok

It’s a special, 24-hour sex-vacation option in some Oriental Tour package excursions.

9. I know him so well.

His life was an open book.  Only, it was written in Nahuatl.  He said, “I’m only human.” but I requested ID.

10. Here comes the Sun.

It’s the latest-published biography of Rupert Murdoch.  Yay Page Three!

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The Ghost Of One-Liners Past

Jellyfish are just….
….wet ghosts.

Of all the things I’ve lost….
….I miss my metabolism the most.

Home is where dog hair sticks….
….to everything but the dog.

If you are being chased by a pack of taxidermists….
….do not play dead.

I do all my own stunts….
….but never intentionally.

I am a leader, not a follower….
….unless it’s dark, then you’re going first.

I’m staying home today….
….I have mood poisoning.

Procrastinators unite!….
….Tomorrow.

Bad decisions….
….make good stories.

Life is like a box….
….of terrible analogies.

My bed and I are perfect for each other, but….
….my alarm keeps trying to break us up.

Why aren’t I-Phone chargers….
….called Apple juice?

I love sleep….
….It’s like a time machine to breakfast.

I learn from the mistakes of others….
….who take my advice.

When I drink alcohol, everyone says I’m an alcoholic….
….but when I drink Fanta, no-one says I’m fantastic.

I had a life….
….but my job ate it.

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel….
….go out and buy more tunnel.

Three symptoms of laziness….
….No.  1

Know how to get a sweet, little old lady to say, “FUCK!!” ?….
….Have another sweet, little old lady say, ‘Bingo!’ first.

Don’t worry what people think….
….They don’t do it very often.

The wife and I had a couple of ’Adult Beverages’ last night….
….Metamucil and Ensure.

Pre means before. Post means after. To use them both together….
….would be preposterous.

I’m entering The World’s Tightest Hat contest….
….I just hope I can pull it off.

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Funny You Should Mention One-Liners

If only my cache of completed trivia posts would expand as quickly as my wasteline waistline.  In lieu of some questionable memories and claims, I offer a collection of dubious jokes.

Clowning with One-Liners

The only clowns that I’m afraid of….
….are the ones running for President.

Is your refrigerator running?….
….Because I might vote for it.

All this political talk….
….is giving me an election

If only snooze minutes were….
….as long as microwave minutes.

Step aside coffee….
….This is a job for alcohol.

Does struggling to put on your jeans….
….count as cardio?

Use promo code “Netflix”….
….to get 50% off your social life.

The days of good grammar….
….has went.

Dear Math….
….Grow up and solve your own problems.

The only thing I gained in 2021….
….was weight.

I’m not passive/aggressive….
….unlike ‘some’ people.

No matter how kind you are….
….German children are kinder.

Always remember, You’re unique….
….Just like everybody else.

Six out of seven dwarves….
….aren’t Happy.

I can rise and shine….
….just not at the same time.

Beer is like pouring smiles on your brain.

Parked car conversations….
….are unofficial therapy sessions.

Farts are just ghosts….
…of the things we ate.

My favorite flavor of cake….
….is more.

Yes, I’m into fitness….
….I’m fitness whole taco into my mouth.

Tequila tastes like….
….I’m not going to work tomorrow.

The worst part of parallel parking….
….is the witnesses.

After Monday and Tuesday….
….even the calendar says W T F!————-

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Tex-Mex One-Liners

To me, essential oils are….
….what drips out of tacos.  *

You smell great!….
….What hand sanitizer are you wearing?

Walking back to your car because you forgot your mask….
….is the new kind of pissed off.

Does it bother anyone else that the guy in the Operation game….
….was clearly awake?

I never realize how much I swear….
….until I’m in a situation where I can’t.

You’re only as pretty as….
….how you treat other people.

I have feelings for you….
….I’m not telling you which ones.

The worst part of kissing a perfect 10….
….is the cold feeling your lips get from the mirror.

Drinking coffee in the morning….
….helps others live longer.

I never finish anything….
….I have a black belt in partial arts.

I ran out of coffee this morning, so I used tequila….
….eVerYbody iS so pRetty toDay.

The only thing that is ever in bed with me….
….is crumbs.

I don’t have exes….
….I have ‘whys.’

The first five days after the weekend….
….are the hardest.

I wish I had a pair of….
….skinny genes.

If you don’t remember their name….
….take them to Starbucks.

I can’t decide if I want to go off the grid….
….or off the rails.

What I if told you….
….you read the top line wrong?

Don’t give up on your dreams….
….Keep sleeping.

Adam – to God – after seeing Eve….
….I love what you do with ribs.

When I was on the computer….
….I couldn’t find ESC, and I lost CTRL.

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I Have A Head Cold

Please be sure to disinfect your keyboard before commenting.

I have a head cold??!  WTF!!  How in Hell did that happen?

We have spent much of the last two years avoiding COVID.  In doing so, we have evaded most of the normal infections – colds and seasonal flu.  We (well, most of us) have worn masks, and sometimes plastic gloves.  We have remained at least six feet from others in public.  Canada, being the second-largest country in the world not currently invading the Ukraine, has enough room for polite Canadians to stay two whole metres from each other.

We have used antiseptic wipes and sprays on shopping carts and baskets.  We have doused our hands in pump-disinfectants.  My hands have absorbed more alcohol than I have.  I fear that the human race may die out, because the next generation will be sterilised.

The wife reluctantly admitted that she may have caused this.  She had to.  She was already complaining, two days before she gave it to the son, who graciously shared it with me two days later.  She feels that she might have been confused and misled by the relaxation of local mask mandates, into subconsciously thinking that COVID’s over, and not doing her due diligence, and sterilizing a cart that had been ridden in by someone’s snotty-nosed kid.

The son coughed himself awake all night.  The next day he was woozy and tired, not a good condition to be in while driving a forklift.  He called work to report an absence.  The HR Health Manager accepted that it was not COVID, but still didn’t want the rest of the shop infected, and enforced a five-day suspension – Thursday, Friday, fortunately Saturday and Sunday, and Monday.  When he called on Tuesday, his voice was still husky, and HR told him to take another day off.  He worked his Wednesday shift, and will work Thursday, and get Friday off with pay – a tough two-day week.

Like the son, the worst of the cold is not the aching head or scratchy throat – it’s the lack of sleep.  Two coughing people in the same bed means that neither of them gets any rest.  I’ve been dozing in the recliner and on the couch.  I just can’t wake up.  I could get up if there were a fire – in my pants.   😳

How quickly we forget how tough things can be.  We had a half-hour power outage Monday night, and had to talk to each other, because all the electronics were dead.  I complained that I had no shoes – until I met a man who had no feet.  I will have a Fibbing Friday post for tomorrow – hope to see you then.  😀

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One I-Liners

How do you milk sheep?….
….Bring out a new iPhone and charge $1000 for it.

Darwin told his son….
….You’re adapted.

My computer just gave me an “Error 404” notice….
….That’s not right.  I’ve made a lot more errors than that.

My hands are consuming more alcohol….
….than my mouth.

If someone has sex on an airplane….
….Does it count as a flying fuck?

I once entered the World’s Kleptomaniac Championship….
….I took Gold, Silver, and Bronze

Infants don’t have nearly as much fun in infancy….
….As adults do in adultery.

Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip?….
….To get to the same side.

I had to remove the battery from my carbon-monoxide detector….
….The constant beeping gave me a headache and made me feel sick.

I’m considering a life of crime….
….I’m going to run for Governor

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?….
….A fish.

I’m glad I don’t have to hunt for my own food….
….I have no idea where sandwiches live.

Why do I always carry a knife??….
….The last time I tried to open a bag of chips with a 9mm, things did not go well.

I’m not crazy….
….I prefer the term, mentally hilarious.

Cowboys don’t roll joints….
….They tumble weed.

I joined a support group for procrastinators….
….We haven’t met yet.

Dwarves and midgets….
….Have very little in common.

I joined a group for Tourette’s sufferers….
….It took four hours to get sworn in.

I was born a male, and identify as a male, but….
….according to Stouffer’s Lasagna, I’m a family of four.

Without freedom of speech….
….We wouldn’t know who the idiots are.

Some people are such treasures….
….You just want to bury them

Maybe broccoli doesn’t like you, either.

Welcome to the Assumption Club….
….I think we all know why we’re here.

I hate peer pressure….
….And so should you.

I wish more people….
….Were fluent in silence

If a pig loses its voice….
….Does that make it disgruntled??

I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes….
….Turns out it was the refrigerator.

I am currently experiencing life….
….At several WTFs per hour.

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I Say! That’s Amusing.

The 3 hardest things to say:

I was wrong.
I need help.
Worcestershire Sauce

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Two friends are driving through a town…

They see a billboard saying:

Vodka + water = kidney problems;
Rum + water = liver problems;
Whiskey + water = heart issues;
Gin + water = brain damage;

Says one to the other “Dude, looks like there are some serious issues with water supply in this town”

***

The air in my apartment was so dry that we were getting shocked every time we touched a faucet or door knob. So, was I happy that my landlord finally installed a humidifier?

I was ecstatic!

***

There are many problems with math puns.
Calculus jokes are mostly derivative.
Trigonometry jokes are too graphic.
Algebra jokes are usually formulaic
Arithmetic jokes are pretty basic.

But the occasional statistics joke is an outlier.

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After seven girls, a couple finally have a boy.  The next day, a friend visits them in the maternity ward.  He asks, “So, which side of the family does he look like?”
They look at each other, and the Mother finally replies,  “We haven’t looked at his face yet.”

***

Joe: “My girlfriend told me she’s splitting from me.”
Pete: “Why is she splitting?”
Joe: “She told me she was tired of me pretending I am a detective.”
Pete: “What did you say to her?”
Joe: “I told her splitting up was good, we could cover more ground.”

***

I was digging in the garden when I discovered a chest filled with gold coins.  I was going to run into the house and tell my wife….
Then I remembered why I was digging in the garden.

***

The Prime Minister of Canada visited a kindergarten and asked them, “How much is the budget for each child’s food consumption per month?”
They told him: “$400.”

He said: “That is a lot. “ so they reduced it to $ 300.  Then he visited the prisons and asked them: “How much is the prisoner’s food budget per month?”
They told him: “$400 sir.”

He said, “That is too little!  Increase it to $1000!”

A minister accompanying him was appalled by the PM’s strange decision, so he asked him.  “Honourable PM, I am curious. Why reduce the budget for food for the kindergarten children but increase the allowance for the prisoners?”

The PM replied: “Do you really think that after leaving the Government service, people like us would end up in the kindergarten?”

***

A guy strolls into work with both of his ears bandaged up. His boss asks him, “Jeez, what happened to your ears?” “Well, yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron.” “Well that explains one ear,” the boss replied, “but what about the other one?” “I had to call the doctor!”

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I Have One-liners All Sewed Up

The guy who fell into the upholstery machine last week….
….Is now fully recovered

I need to practice some social distancing….
….From the fridge

My friend Jay had twin girls recently, and wanted to name them after himself….
….I suggested Kaye and Elle.

There’s not too many old guys like me left….
….The last mammoth stampede killed a lot of them.

Let me describe myself in three words….
….Lazy

Sex jokes aren’t funny….
….Because I don’t get it.

Wanna hear a joke about ghosts?….
….That’s the spirit

To keep up with the times, shouldn’t TV dinners….
….be called satellite dishes?

You’ve reached my age….
….if one of your favorite memories, is a comb.

How many Grumpy Old Dudes like me does it take to change a light bulb?….
….None.  We just light a candle and wait for a woman to do it.

How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?….
….We’ve formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out and to figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.

How many shipping department personnel does it take to change a light bulb?….
….We can change the light bulb in seven to ten working days, but if you call before 2 p.m. and pay an extra $15, we can get the bulb changed overnight.

How many Management Information Services people does it take to change a light bulb?….
….MIS (IT) has received your request concerning your hardware problem and has assigned you request number 359712.  Please use this number for any future references to the light-bulb issue.

Yo Momma is so fat….
….That no-one can social-distance her.

Yo Momma’s so fast….
….She ate the S

Yo Momma’s so fat….
….It took three days to find you when you were born

I just learned sign language….
….I find it quite handy

I’ve been trying to come up with a joke about erections….
….But it’s too hard

I always wanted to be rich….
….But everybody still calls me dick.

What do men with Erectile Dysfunction need?….
….Some help from a speCIALISt