Tag Archives: computers

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Book Review #32

Some science fiction authors write about the future – but they do so in more than one way.  In the late 1960s, the prop-master for a Sci-Fi TV series, cobbled together a hand-held, fold-away, ship-to-shore communicator between an orbiting spaceship, and the ground party.  20 years later, millions of people owned flip-phones.  Sci-Fi authors in particular, can be very prescient, revealing as-yet unseen developments.

Title: Mona Lisa Overdrive

Author: William Gibson

The review:

This is the third book in a trilogy, beginning with ‘Neuromancer,’ and ‘Count Zero.’  They make more sense, read as a trio, but he put in pretty good STOP/START points, so that each one is fairly well self-contained.

Actually, the story itself is rather unimportant – a small-time quest for more money and power in a post-apocalyptic world.  It’s the ‘matrix’ upon which he builds the action that is significant.   I obtained an undistributed 1989 copy of the story first published in 1988 – when the Internet was still a baby – when few of us even knew computers existed, or owned one – when some of us weren’t even born.

This is the author who conceived The Matrix, who wrote the book about neural data storage and transmission, which became the Keanu Reeves movie, Johnny Mnemonic.  The book is rife with drug use – organic, custom-designed laboratory, and neurological.  He foresaw ‘Influencers.’  You can upload and experience segments of important people’s lives, by inserting mini-flash drives into USB-type ports in your neck, and get electronically buzzed the same way.

He was the Canadian equivalent of Philip K. Dick – both of them needing a good screenplay writer to tone down their stories.  He lived in southern British Columbia, where special mushrooms were common in the wild, and fairies and unicorns – and less pleasant apparitions – gamboled in the woods.  He may have invented Sasquatch.

It was an interesting time passer, but I wouldn’t really recommend it.  If you do drugs – it won’t make any sense – and if you don’t do drugs – it won’t make any sense.

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WTF One-Liners

How many teenage girls does it take to change a light bulb?….
….Whatever!

I have an entomology joke….
….but it clearly bugs everyone.

I retired when I started going blind….
….I just couldn’t see working any longer.

Have you played the updated kids game….
….I Spy With My Little I-Phone?

DRAMA, The word boring people use….
….to describe fun people.

I’m not saying that your perfume is too strong….
….I’m just saying that the canary was alive when you arrived.

I like older women, because they’ve got used to life’s disappointments….
….which means they are ready for me.

Life without women would be a pain in the ass….
….literally.

I saw two guys wearing matching clothing, and asked if they were gay….
….They arrested me.

I think sex is better than logic….
….but I can’t prove it.

I’m at the age where….
….I can’t take anything with a grain of salt.

You know you’re getting old when….
….you can’t tell the difference between current band names, and typos.

What’s something you’re too old to do?….
….Give a shit.

The wife claims I turn everything she says to my advantage….
….I take that as a compliment.

Before I got married, I didn’t even know….
….there’s a wrong way to put milk back in the refrigerator.

I was an English major in college….
….in case there’s ever an emergency involving a comma.

Knock, knock….
….Who’s there?….
….To….
….To, who?….
….To whom.

I went to the world’s greatest psychic, and knocked on her door….
….She said, “Who is it?”

I admit that I live in the past….
….but only because the housing is so much cheaper.

Instead of saying “like,” I now say “such as”….
….because I such as to sound smart.

User: The word computer professionals use….
….when they mean, “Idiot!”

How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb?….
….Only one, but it takes eight visits.

Last week I spotted an albino Dalmatian….
….Seemed like the least I could do for him.

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Meaty One-Liners

What disease….
….did cured ham actually have?

If you overturn a canoe, you can use it as a hat….
….because it is capsized.

What do you call twins who both decide to become policemen?….
….Copies.

I got an online survey that asked, “What motivates you to go to work each day?”….
…I responded, “Probation officer.”

The only nice thing about being imperfect….
….is the joy it brings to others.

I started a band called 999 Megabytes….
….We haven’t got a gig yet.

What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?….
….Re-Morse code

A clean house….
….is a sign of a broken computer.

I’m having an introvert party….
….and you’re all not invited.

I used to be a people person….
….until people ruined it for me.

My brain….
….is giving me the silent treatment today.

Apparently rock bottom….
….has a basement.

I’m not a hard drinker….
….I actually find it quite easy.

Getting to work on time….
….seems to make the day feel so long.

I wanted to make a joke about leeches….
….but it sucked.

You can’t believe everything you hear….
….but you can repeat it.

There was a heated debate about theft at the restaurant….
….so I decided to not take sides.

My friends keep pressuring me to go spelunking….
….so I finally caved.

A girl walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre….
….so he gave it to her.

I, for one….
….like Roman numerals.

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian….
….Well, they’re not laughing now.

Who is this Rorschach guy?….
….and why did he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?

There’s a fine line between….
….hyphenated words.

I organized a threesome last night….
….There were a couple of no-shows, but I still had fun.

I told the kids I never wanted to be in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle….
….so they unplugged my computer, and threw out my wine.

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Timing Is Everything

WHAT TIME IS IT, MISTER WOLF??

I dunno, but it’s gonna be two days late – again.

There I was, peacefully napping at my computer, when somebody said Y!
Why,? I responded.  Because I’m dozy.
NO! Y, as in A To Z Challenge – the letter Y!
Oh, is that this month?  Like Pa Kettle used to say, “Gotta fix that – one of these days.”

Stop back again on Wednesday, and Yogi Bear, Yasmine Bleeth and I will have a semi-coherent post ready for you.

😎

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Dirty Fibbing Friday

This week Long, long ago, Di, at sparksfromacombustiblemind said that the Fibbing Friday is all about the food.  Do you believe her??  Pensitivity101 doesn’t.  Says she lies.

  1. Garlic is said to ward off [What]?

Door-to-door salesmen.  It works, too.  I’ve been eating the wife’s Italian food for half a century, and there’s no sign of them in my neighbourhood.  Although, I did recently see/hear a soft-serve ice cream truck near the daughter’s place.

  1. Man does not live by [What] alone?

Beer!  You need a shot of your favorite liquor dropped into the mug, to produce a Depth Charge, or Boilermaker.

  1. Fish isn’t everyone’s favorite, because ..?

Some of us still prefer to play Whist, Bridge, or Euchre, or even Uno with the grandkids.

  1. Eat more green and you’ll be lean and ?

Falling over from weakness.  Mankind did not struggle to get to the top of the food chain, to eat salads.  Salads are a promissory note that real food will arrive soon.  We’ll eat it with sautéed mushrooms and HP Steak Sauce.

  1. Over imbibing may invoke the hair of the [what] the next day?

A nude-nosed wombat – with you wondering how you managed to get into the zoo, and bring this thing home without getting bit.

  1. Revenge is a dish best served ?

To the asshole who screwed you over, now that you’ve devalued his crypto-currency, bankrupted his company, and have him working as your majordomo.

  1. Little Jack Horner stuck his thumb in a Christmas pie and pulled out?

But his girlfriend still insisted that she was enceinte.  And stop eating while we’re shagging!

  1. Raw fish is a delicacy when prepared as [What]?

Bait!  There’s a reason that God invented stoves.  Maybe we could convince the Japanese to use them in the 21st Century….  Or microwave ovens – they make ‘em.  Don’t they know how to run them?  😕

  1. An apple a day does what?

Puts you in jail if the cops find out you’ve been stealing them from the Internet Café.  Personally, I prefer PCs, but I guess some people like them.  Running one feels like having to learn Esperanto.

  1. Ice cream is best on a ?

Whim!  Quietly!  Don’t let the wife hear.

I’m going to have seconds, but I’ll be back, serving up something different on Monday.  😀

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The Key(board) To Comedy

My wife told me she’ll slam my head into the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer.
I’m not too worried.
I think she’s jokindkdkslalkdlkfjslfjslksdlkfjuahehwhgwdklaljdf

***

A man holds-up a bank. After he has the money, the bank robber lines up the hostages and asks the first one, “Did you see me hold up the bank?”

The man says, “Well, sure I did,” and the bank robber shoots him.”

The bank robber then asks the second man, “Did you see me hold up the bank?”

The man says, “No, no, no. I didn’t see a thing. But my wife here, she sees everything.”

***

A minister begins his sermon. “Dear Lord,” he said with arms extended and a rapturous look in his eyes, “Without you, we are but dust “

He would have continued but at that moment, one little girl who was listening carefully to the minister leaned to her mother and asked loudly, in her shrill little voice,

“Mommy, what is butt dust?”

***

I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.

“This is Penny.” I said, introducing my daughter.

“And what’s Penny short for?” he asked.

“Because she’s only five”

***

A teacher says to his straight-F pupil, “With grades like this you’ll never achieve anything in your life. You’ll end up a loser”

Fast forward 20 years later. Retired teacher is deadly ill, only a very risky and expensive surgery can save him.
It happens that the best surgeon in the country knows the old man and agrees to save him for free.

After surgery, when teacher wakes up, the grown-up straight-F student comes into the recovery room.

He unplugs the life support and plugs in his vacuum cleaner.

***

A teacher gave her class of second graders a lesson on the magnet and what it does.

The next day in a written test, she included this question:

“My full name has six letters. The first one is M. I am strong and attractive. I pick up things. What am I?”

When the test papers were turned in, the teacher was astonished to find that almost 50 percent of the students answered the question with the word “Mother.”

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A I

Canadian translation – Eh?, Aye!

It has been said that, Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.  Fear not, ladies and gentlemen, both are being improved on a daily basis.

I recently turned on my computer.  It came up to MSN – my home page.  Beneath the search bar was a list of my recent search terms – including ‘asylum.’  No.  NO!  NO!  You lying bastard.  Asylum is not MY search term!  It’s yours.  I asked about the company, Alsym, and you presented me with a page on the word ‘asylum.’  I had to increase the search term to energy company, Alsym, before you would admit that it even existed.  You’re supposed to know more about it than me.  😳

In an online discussion about the ongoing war in the Ukraine, someone mentioned a similar occurrence in the European country of Georgia.  Instantly, some sweet young thing whose IQ numbers almost equaled her bra size protested.  “Georgia isn’t in Europe!  It’s a state in America.  Don’t you guys know anything??”

It’s hard to argue with that.  It is, indeed, a southern state in America…. however, it’s also a European nation near Turkey, named for an entirely different George.  Don’t you narrow-minded, isolationist, MAGA-hat rednecks know anything?

I recently read a story wherein the author had a small group of U S Federal Marshalls, tacked up, and ready to roll.  That sounded to me, like a shopping list on a corkboard, so I began to research.  It turns out that he actually intended to refer to their equipment like horse tack – bridle, reins, saddle, etc.

I wanted to explore the existence of the word ‘tacced’ – possessing or accoutered in tactical gear- armed forces, police, etc.  It seems that I am forever researching non-common, often recently-coined words, like klicks for kilometers, or mikes for minutes.  This is specialized language, not yet added to many dictionaries, so I approached Bing.

I typed in, ‘meaning word “tacced.”  I got back an entire page about the meaning of the word tagged, and a note saying/asking, this is the meaning of the word tagged.  Did you want only information about the word ‘tacced?’
“CLICK!”
Here’s an entire page about the meaning of the word tagged, did you want only information about the word tacced?  🙄

I was going to say, “And people wonder why I’m a Grumpy Old Dude,” but I don’t think there’s any question anymore.  👿

I watched a short YouTube video which seemed to be a portion of a Tik-Tok.  I came in, in the middle of a dispute between, what appeared to be a pretty Influencer, and a live female audience member.  The audience gal demanded
Why would you say that?  How can you make that claim??!
I read it in a book.
Yeah, right, you read a book? Name me ten books you’ve read!
(Strange request – pause thinking)
Name me ONE book you read!
I read Game of Thrones.
Now I know you’re lyin’, Bitch!  That’s a TV series.

White supremacists used to subject Blacks to (fake/biased) intelligence tests, to prevent them from voting.  I strongly suggest that we begin applying intelligence tests to folks like these, or it’s gonna be Trump In ’24!  😥

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Birds Of A Feather Fibbing Friday

Pensitivity101 says that the following are all birds, but asks, if you didn’t know that, what would you say these words meant?  At her behest, I’m going to fib my heart out, and  publish my answers here.

  1. COOT

Me! – And my League of Extraordinary Older-Gentlemen Grumps.  Apparently there are no young coots.  You gotta be old, to be a coot.  Sean Connery was our Honorary Chairman, until he passed on, to that great Oatmeal Bowl in the sky.

2.   DUNLIN

That’s the name of the firm of Solicitors who constantly telephone, and send threatening letters, to get people to make monthly payments on their car-loans and mortgages.

3.   HOBBY

Hobby is the non-productive expenditure of free time and energy.  The hobby of the people at Hobby Lobby is harassing and abridging the civil rights of those who they feel don’t have the correct sexual orientation.

4.   KNOT

Knot is a euphemism for getting married – tying the knot.  For serial offenders like Mickey Rooney, Liz Taylor, and Larry King, it’s a slip-knot.  😳

5.   RUFF

Ruff is Dennis the Menace’s cartoon canine companion – the more intelligent, less destructive and irksome of the pair.

6.   SCAUP

This is an evil, online commercial deed, performed by a nefarious net-villain.  Every time I want to attend a concert by Jethro Tull, The Moody Blues, ELO, or Billy Joel, some guy with a refurbished NASA computer, and a power source about equal to a small sun, temporarily suspends his Bitcoin mining operation, swoops in and scoops up all the good seats, and then offers them online for 5 to 10 times their original cost.

7.   SERIN

That’s the cultured fluid that ethical, educated, intelligent medical researchers use to make COVID19 and variants protective vaccines from.  It’s the same stuff that nutty conspiracy-theorists, who watched the science Fiction movie, The Fantastic Voyage, believe that Bill Gates (or anyone else) cares enough about them to add tiny little machines to track them with.

8.   SMEW

It’s all the fault of the good, warm English ale.  An American tourist stole a street sign from outside the East-End, Brantley Mews.  The Roads Maintenance Department sent out a two-man team to replace it.  Since they arrived near lunch-time, and the Anvil and Turtle Pub was just outside, they had some cottage pie…. and six or seven jars of beer.   Somehow, when the sign went up, it read SMEW, instead of MEWS.  They had to send out two teetotalers to set things right.

9.   SNIPE

That was the bitch witch at my last job that I set a record with – worked with her for 14 years, and not once did I give her a well-deserved smack in the head.  We called her Princess, which she took to be a compliment.  She was the Princess with the pea, constantly carping about every little thing.

We were working on the wrong project, and if we were on the right one, we were using the wrong procedures, and if we were using the right methods, we were on the wrong schedule.  The only person she never complained about, was the office manager, and she followed him around like Mary’s little lamb.  Smooch, smooch, kiss, kiss!!  The difference between a brown-noser and a shithead – is depth perception.

10. TWITE

There are too many Brits who wouldn’t say Shit if they had a mouthful.  They say Shite, and pretend that they didn’t use profanity.  I can only presume that an irritating, irksome goofball is called a Twite, instead of a Twit.

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Dum Crinimals

I’ve stopped asking, “How stupid can you be?”
There is no upper limit!  Some people are taking it as a challenge.

Even more proof that crime doesn’t pay.

Next time, take off the blinders
Derek Pierson tried to rob a convenience store.  He walked in, looked directly at the clerk and told her to ‘give the money up.’  What he didn’t notice was that a member of an armed robbery task force – wearing a shirt marked ‘Shreveport Police’ on the front and back, as well as ‘Police’ on the sleeves – was standing in an aisle ten feet away.

The agent, who had stopped by on a routine security check, pulled his gun and arrested Pierson without incident.  The officer described him as looking ‘like a deer caught in the headlights.’  I guess I picked the wrong place Pierson told police.

Talking trash
Minutes after getting a report of two men trying to break into parking meters, police began looking for suspects.  It wasn’t hard.  Witnesses said one wore an all-black outfit, while the other was dressed in a bathrobe.  Police located one likely suspect near the scene of the crime.

They began searching the neighborhood for the second suspect, when they were attracted to a garbage dumpster by the sound of a ringing cell phone.  When they lifted the lid of the bin, they found the second man inside.

Ignoring the rule of thumb
A robbery at a Git-N-Go Convenience Store in Des Moines was called off for lack of convincing theatrics.  ‘Well, I could tell he didn’t have a gun.’ said the clerk at the store.  ‘I knew it was his finger.  I could see his thumb sticking out of his coat pocket.’  The would-be robber, who acted tough and even inserted a harsh expletive in his demand for cash, wanted to argue.

‘It is a gun,’ he told the clerk.  ‘No it isn’t,’ the clerk replied.  The frustrated suspect left the store, but paused a moment in the parking lot, perhaps to go over in his mind the argument he’d just lost.

Thief tracking made easier
Kurt Husfeldt and two others were arrested in Lindenhurst, NY in possession of 14 stolen electronic devices that they apparently assumed were cell phones.  However, they were actually global positioning devices from a nearby municipal facility, and police just followed their signals to Husfeldt’s house.

Googled
A man was arrested in connection with a 2005 bank robbery, after leaving a trail of cyber-clues.  Police said that he was staying with a woman at the time of the robbery, and spent a great deal of time on her computer.  He borrowed her car the day of the robbery, and returned with a lot of cash, claiming he’d won it at a casino.

Police say that he walked into a Liberty Bank branch and handed the teller a note demanding money.  A week later, his woman friend contacted police, saying she recognized him from a surveillance photo on a newspaper website.  A police search of the computer revealed numerous searches concerning bank robberies, including one for the branch he hit, and another for ’How To Rob A Bank.’

Banks for telling me
A would-be robber in Austria, was arrested after he tried to hold up his local town hall, mistaking it for a bank.  Wearing a mask, and waving a toy gun the unemployed man burst into the town hall, and shouted, ‘Hold-up!  Hold-up!’  The building has a sign indicating that it has an ATM, on the outside wall.

He realized his mistake when a town employee explained to him where he was, and he then fled into the nearby woods.  He was arrested when he came back to pick up his motorbike, which he had parked outside the town hall.

😳   😆

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Tex-Mex One-Liners

To me, essential oils are….
….what drips out of tacos.  *

You smell great!….
….What hand sanitizer are you wearing?

Walking back to your car because you forgot your mask….
….is the new kind of pissed off.

Does it bother anyone else that the guy in the Operation game….
….was clearly awake?

I never realize how much I swear….
….until I’m in a situation where I can’t.

You’re only as pretty as….
….how you treat other people.

I have feelings for you….
….I’m not telling you which ones.

The worst part of kissing a perfect 10….
….is the cold feeling your lips get from the mirror.

Drinking coffee in the morning….
….helps others live longer.

I never finish anything….
….I have a black belt in partial arts.

I ran out of coffee this morning, so I used tequila….
….eVerYbody iS so pRetty toDay.

The only thing that is ever in bed with me….
….is crumbs.

I don’t have exes….
….I have ‘whys.’

The first five days after the weekend….
….are the hardest.

I wish I had a pair of….
….skinny genes.

If you don’t remember their name….
….take them to Starbucks.

I can’t decide if I want to go off the grid….
….or off the rails.

What I if told you….
….you read the top line wrong?

Don’t give up on your dreams….
….Keep sleeping.

Adam – to God – after seeing Eve….
….I love what you do with ribs.

When I was on the computer….
….I couldn’t find ESC, and I lost CTRL.