What disease….
….did cured ham actually have?

If you overturn a canoe, you can use it as a hat….
….because it is capsized.

What do you call twins who both decide to become policemen?….
….Copies.

I got an online survey that asked, “What motivates you to go to work each day?”….
…I responded, “Probation officer.”

The only nice thing about being imperfect….
….is the joy it brings to others.

I started a band called 999 Megabytes….
….We haven’t got a gig yet.

What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?….
….Re-Morse code

A clean house….
….is a sign of a broken computer.

I’m having an introvert party….
….and you’re all not invited.

I used to be a people person….
….until people ruined it for me.

My brain….
….is giving me the silent treatment today.

Apparently rock bottom….
….has a basement.

I’m not a hard drinker….
….I actually find it quite easy.

Getting to work on time….
….seems to make the day feel so long.

I wanted to make a joke about leeches….
….but it sucked.

You can’t believe everything you hear….
….but you can repeat it.

There was a heated debate about theft at the restaurant….
….so I decided to not take sides.

My friends keep pressuring me to go spelunking….
….so I finally caved.

A girl walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre….
….so he gave it to her.

I, for one….
….like Roman numerals.

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian….
….Well, they’re not laughing now.

Who is this Rorschach guy?….
….and why did he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?

There’s a fine line between….
….hyphenated words.

I organized a threesome last night….
….There were a couple of no-shows, but I still had fun.

I told the kids I never wanted to be in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle….
….so they unplugged my computer, and threw out my wine.