Category Archives: Comedy

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Heroic Fibbing Friday

Last week, Pensitivity101 wanted to know What Fibs or Wannabees could we come with for these ‘Heroes’?

1. Who were the Dynamic Duo?

Laverne and Shirley

2. Who was Peter Parker?

The automobile-lot attendant at the fancy hotel downtown

3. Who was Diana Prince?

The pretty girl who married Mad King Chuckles Charles

4. Who were The Fantastic Four?

Kim and Khloé Kardashian, and their half-sisters, Kendall and Kylie Jenner, who have done some of their best work on their backs, under black men

5. Who was Robert Bruce Banner?

He’s the guy who invented the advertising scroll at the bottom of your computer screen.

6. Who was Linda Lang?

Her real name was Bella Bates, and she helped the developers of Superman with character names.  She wrote herself into the story as Linda Lang, younger sister of Lana Lang, Superboy’s girlfriend.  Then she created Lois Lane, and Lex Luthor.  Later, she switched from L to K, and helped Mama Kardashian name her five daughters.

7. Who was Selina Kyle?

She’s the Krazy Kat Lady who lives down the street, and steals garden gnomes and wind chimes.

8. Who was Kent Allard?

He was the Frenchman who wasn’t fast enough – or smart enough – to catch a cow, and first thought that eating snails with garlic sauce was a good idea.

9. Who was Cliff Secord?

Chief chocolatier for his sister Laura

10. Who was Matt Murdoch?

Under the sobriquet “Howling-Mad Murdoch,” he was a member of The A-Team.

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Knowledgeable One-Liners

My poor knowledge of Greek mythology….
….has always been my Achilles elbow.

There’s a warrant out for the Invisible Man….
….The charge is failure to appear.

Why are iPhone chargers….
….not called apple juice?

If it wasn’t for alcohol and vaginas….
….I’d be a millionaire by now.

Someone asked me what I knew about Bonsai trees….
….I replied, “Very little.”

I’m very good at gift shopping….
….for myself.

My grandpa was illiterate….
….so I don’t know if this Ouija board is working or not.

I love French fry trucks….
….but I don’t trust restaurants with a getaway plan.

Your driving gives….
….my middle finger an erection.

You don’t have to agree with me….
….I can’t force you to be right.

A will is just….
….a dead giveaway.

Chuck Norris once frightened….
….irrational numbers into becoming rational.

I’m writing a book about beer….
….I’m on my fourth draft.

A cow, a pig, and a chicken walk into a Barbecue….
….The End!

An erection is not considered….
….personal growth.

Neil Diamond used to be Neil Coal….
….until the pressure got to him.

After my girlfriend died, I didn’t go outside for five years….
….but I’m released from prison now.

Thanx for explaining the word copious to me….
….It means a lot.

CAUTION! Chocolate will….
….make your clothes shrink.

Why do blurry people….
….always ask me if I’m drunk?

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Fibbing Friday #311

Mixed batch from Pensitivity101 last week, not all Easter related I might add!

1. Why do we have Easter Eggs?

Because we haven’t got a rise in our government retirement pension, and have to cheaply console ourselves somehow

2. What makes a Hot Cross Bun?

When the wife leaves her coffee mug warmer on my easy chair

3. Why do we have a bunny at Easter?

Because we’re getting older, and can’t eat an entire turkey, or ham

4. In which country did the Easter Bunny originate?

In a little Duchy that no longer exists, called Hopbrauberg.  It was between what became Germany, and Switzerland.  That’s why its national animal is still reproduced in chocolate.

5. How many decorative balls are conventionally on a Simnel cake?

I don’t care how decorative you think they are, pull your damned trousers up.

6.  What is a can?

The pisser in a disreputable pub

7.  What is a can-can?

Two pissers in a disreputable pub with pretentions of adequacy – one for both sexes – setters and pointers – but they’re both so small that the cockroaches are hunchbacked

8.  What is a cantaloupe?

It’s the new, hot, genetically-engineered pet.  It looks like a deer, but it’s the size of a Corgi.

9.  What is a canister?

It’s the honey-wagon company that empties the Port-A-Potties in the park.  Their trucks have a sign.
We empty cesspits
We fill swimming pools.
NOT THE SAME TRUCK

  1. What is a candelabra?

An over-shoulder-boulder-holder with mood lighting

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Fibbing Friday #310

Pensitivity101 was recycling her questions from July 2021, last week. What did I make of these? But I repeat myself.

1. What is a skiff?

It’s what I – and a bunch of other old geezers – have left on the top of our heads.  First it turned white from fright.  Now it’s leaving me faster than my schoolmates, on the obituary page.

2. What is a liner?

That’s the magic potion that’s mentioned in the online advert that says, Ladies, if you are over 40, this is the cosmetic that you should use, to draw attention away from the fact that you have the skin tone of a Sultana raisin.

3. What is a ferry?

It’s one of those self-deluded psychotics who dress up in fuzzy costumes, and believe that their ‘spirit animal’ is Fawzi Bear.

4. What is a destroyer?

A toddler on a mission to play with every toy (and non-toy) in the house!

5. What is a cruiser?

He’s a handsome, dashing young fellow who provides assistance and crowd control at roller-skating rinks..  Now that it’s making a comeback – at least in my area – I may have a new hobby/part—time job, in my retirement.  I’ll discuss it with my therapist.

6. What is a galleon?

It is the amount of gasoline/petrol that you get at the pumps these days for Antonio’s my pound of flesh.

7. What is a pedlow?

The name of Jeffrey Epstein’s estate, on his getaway island.

8. What is a kayak?

An indecisive ditherer, who is not sure if they are coming or going.

9. What is a schooner?

A glass tanker tankard of rich, October ale, that sails down the pub bar-top, and docks in front of me.

10. What is a coracle?

A method of birth-control used by Eskimos.  I just use my looks and personality.

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Meet-Less Humor

Meet My Lazy Co-Workers

Cordless – only works for two hours.
E.T. – always wants to go home.
Kit-Kat – always taking a break.
Muffler – always exhausted.
Seaweed – just floats around all day.
Sensor Light – only works when someone walks past.
Wheelbarrow – only works when pushed.

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My parents spanked me as a child.  As a result, I now suffer from a psychological condition called “Respect for others.”

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DON’T MESS WITH ME!
I’m a
Wooden spoon
Lead Paint
No car seat
No bike helmet
Pickup bed ridin’
Garden hose drinkin’
SURVIVOR

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My ducks are definitely not in a row.  I don’t know where some of them are, and I think that one of them is a pigeon.

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WARNING

Visitors with no sense of humor are advised to turn back now.
Management is not responsible for any damage to feelings.

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At this point Jesus doesn’t need to take the wheel.  He should just pull over and spank some of you with his sandal.

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A man loses three fingers in an industrial accident.  At the hospital, he asks the doctor, “Will I still be able to drive with this hand?”
The doctor replies, “Possibly, but I wouldn’t count on it.”

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Eyelashes are supposed to keep things from going in your eyes.  But every time I get something in my eye, it’s an eyelash.
That’s eyeronic.

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Fibbing Friday #309

Music and song titles from Pensitivity101 last week.
Who could have recorded these classics (doesn’t necessarily have to be a singer or even a real person)

1. I want to know what love is.

It was originally sung by Andre Agassi, but more recently, Venus and Serena Williams did a cover, on their new album, Making A Racket.

2. Money, money, money.

A celebrity duet, featuring the Chancellor of the Exchequer, and the Director of Inland Revenue

3. Tea for Two.

An inspirational jingle, sung at meetings, by the Board of Directors of Twinings

4.  There’s a kind of hush…………..

The Glasgow City Librarians Choir

5.  Take the Money and Run

The Bernie Madoff Band

6.  Time after Time.

The Office Clock-Watchers

7.  Rock Around the Clock.

Fred Flintstone and The Quarrymen

8.  Windmills of my Mind.

Donkey Hotey and the Rocinantes

9.  Hang on Sloopy

Rick Derringer and the Ohio State Marching Band
(Please comment if you get any part of this joke)

10. It started with a kiss……………….

and ended up in the maternity ward.

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Fibbing Friday #308

Here are last week’s questions from Pensitivity101:

1.  What is a canopy?

A larder or cupboard for storing tinned foods.

2.  What is a cookie?

Dagwood Bumstead’s daughter – and his wife is Blondie – and their neighbor is Tootsie – no real names, and all before marijuana became legal.  I’m surprised that his son isn’t DUDE.

3.  What is a pup cup?

It’s the cap that screws on the top of a Saint Bernard’s rum keg.

4.  What is a typhoon?

A rich, powerful person who is full of…. hot air – and other, less pleasant, substances.

5.  Why are nails sharp at one end?

Because the other ends are still attached to my fingers.

6.  What’s the difference between a chip and a fry?

A chip is found either in an electronic device, or at a golf course, while a fry is most often found at a tailgate in a football stadium parking lot.

7.  What is a shoe horn?

A source of merriment and celebration at footwear stores.  C’mon!  The clerks need all the help they can get.  It’s not like they’re a cell phone kiosk.  All the salespeople ever see – and smell – are feet.

8.  Why do spirit levels have bubbles?

They were originally manufactured in the Champagne region of France, and filled with second-grade wine that hadn’t passed the Quality Assurance standards.

9.  Why do we have tea leaves but coffee grains?

You keep tellin’ the cops that the stuff in the baggie is tea leaves, while “your cousin,” Manolito, shipped you that coffee from Colombia.

10. What is a diplomat?

A man who always remembers a woman’s birthday – but not how many she’s had.

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Stolen One-Liners

 

I have kleptomania….
….When it gets bad, I take something for it.

I gotta teach my facial expressions….
….how to use their indoor voice.

After over 50 years of marriage, the wife and I still find things to talk about….
….just not to each other, obviously.

I have an aviation joke….
….but it would probably go over your head.

Four out of three people….
….struggle with math.

It’s all shits and giggles….
….till someone giggles and shits.

Black cats don’t cause bad luck….
….Your life was already shit.

I used to think drinking was bad for me….
….so I gave up – thinking.

Dear Santa, before I explain….
….how much do you know already??

Due to a recent coin shortage….
….no-one is allowed to put in their two cents worth.

The less people know….
….the longer the explanation.

Many people stop looking for work….
….when they find a job.

If you think that marriage is 50/50….
….you don’t know the half of it.

Weed, beer, and whiskey are all made from plants….
….I think I might be a vegetarian.

Knock, knock.  Who’s there?….
….Doorbell repairman.

If people make you sick….
….maybe you should cook them longer.

I’ve taken up pottery in retirement….
….Just kiln time.

The “Earth” without “Art”….
….is just “Eh.”

Do electricians listen to AC/DC….
….or something more current?

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Fibbing Friday #307

Mish-mash from Pensitivity101 last week, so your suggestions please!

1. What is a cannery?

A little, yellow, cartoon bird named Tweety, who t’ouht he taw a puddy tat.

2. What is a rookery?

Any online scam, where you have to prepay with iTunes gift cards

3. What is hooky?

Any person – especially a teenager – who gets a five-finger discount, by walking out of a store without paying for merchandise.

4. What is pinochle?

The non-brand-name, generic version of Nutella.™ ©

5. What is a ricochet?

An Irishman with vertigo/balance problems.

6. What is hubbub?

It’s a big yellow clamp that the traffic warden attaches to your wheel, if you park illegally.

7. What is a podcast?

See ‘Wingnut,’ below.

8. What is a wingnut?

A maple key/seed.  With climate change, we may soon have winds so strong that Abu Dhabi will have a maple syrup industry.

9. What is a switchback?

A knife with a spring-loaded blade that pops out when you push a button.  Get the point??

10. What is a cacophony?

A nonet.  A small musical group of nine people, including a vibraphone and spoons.

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Fibbing Friday #306

Mixed bag last week, so Pensitivity101 was looking forward to our ideas on these.
Complete the saying:

1. Mad as a ……………..

MAGAt, when he drinks the Kool-Aid

2. It’ll all come out in ……………….

The Epstein files.

3. Two’s company, three’s …………….

an extra charge at the massage parlor.

4.  Hi ho ……………………………………

The Lone Ranger is no longer Works Manager at the Seven Dwarfs’ dig.  He opened his own silver mine – a sterling position.

5.  Every cloud has ……………………

About 90% porn uploaded to it.

6.  Sticks and stones ……………….

And you’ll have the second little piggy’s house

7.  In for penny……………..

Because that’s all a Taylor Swift concert is really worth.

8.  Don’t count your …………………..

Fingers, after you shake a politician’s hand.  You may be missing some.

9.  Let sleeping dogs……………….

Lie.  They never tell the truth, anyway.  The badger was THIS big!

10. Hands, knees and …………………..

And I gotta leave the pub earlier