Tag Archives: fun

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Fibbing Friday #308

Here are last week’s questions from Pensitivity101:

1.  What is a canopy?

A larder or cupboard for storing tinned foods.

2.  What is a cookie?

Dagwood Bumstead’s daughter – and his wife is Blondie – and their neighbor is Tootsie – no real names, and all before marijuana became legal.  I’m surprised that his son isn’t DUDE.

3.  What is a pup cup?

It’s the cap that screws on the top of a Saint Bernard’s rum keg.

4.  What is a typhoon?

A rich, powerful person who is full of…. hot air – and other, less pleasant, substances.

5.  Why are nails sharp at one end?

Because the other ends are still attached to my fingers.

6.  What’s the difference between a chip and a fry?

A chip is found either in an electronic device, or at a golf course, while a fry is most often found at a tailgate in a football stadium parking lot.

7.  What is a shoe horn?

A source of merriment and celebration at footwear stores.  C’mon!  The clerks need all the help they can get.  It’s not like they’re a cell phone kiosk.  All the salespeople ever see – and smell – are feet.

8.  Why do spirit levels have bubbles?

They were originally manufactured in the Champagne region of France, and filled with second-grade wine that hadn’t passed the Quality Assurance standards.

9.  Why do we have tea leaves but coffee grains?

You keep tellin’ the cops that the stuff in the baggie is tea leaves, while “your cousin,” Manolito, shipped you that coffee from Colombia.

10. What is a diplomat?

A man who always remembers a woman’s birthday – but not how many she’s had.

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F*#king One-Liners

I like to surround myself with people with extensive vocabularies….
….but still say fuck a lot.

If you crossed a fish with an elephant….
….would you get swimming trunks?

Fibonacci’s Soup ingredients….
….Yesterday’s soup – Day before yesterday’s soup….

If at first you don’t succeed….
….try twice more so your error is significant.

An expensive laxative will give you….
….a run for your money.

I have a joke about statistical analysis….
….but it’s mean.

Nothing tops….
….a plain pizza.

Why don’t people from India play soccer?….
….Because, when they go in the corner, they open a store.

The guy who invented the wind chill factor died….
….He was 87, but felt like 75.

Did you hear about the stockbroker who got electrocuted….
….when he shorted Tesla?

I am a bad influence….
….but DAMN, I’m fun!

I wrote a joke about the number 288…
….but it’s two gross.

I gave my History teacher a gift….
….but she didn’t like the present.

I have an economics joke….
….but there’s no demand for it.

Age is not a number….
….It is clearly a word.

I’m not old.  I’m only 39*….
….*plus shipping and handling

I woke up this morning, and nothing hurt….
….I thought I was dead.

I asked Siri a question about my life expectancy….
….She changed the subject.

Sign in store window, No Help Wanted….
….I’m going to apply.  I’d be great!

An Ampersand walks into a bar, and is served a free beer….
….A customer says, “Wow, he must be some kind of special character.”

I’m going back to the 80s….
….Anybody want anything?

If a grocery store has a section for health food….
….then what is the rest of the store??

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Contest Without Rules

Echoing Pensitivity101’s Three Things posts, I am issuing a challenge. Below are three words.  I would like you to create a composition using one, two, or all three of the words.  It can be prose, or poetry, even blank verse.  It can be 33 words, 50 words, 100 words, or any other random number.

Download it directly into my comments section, or leave a comment with a link, so that others can read it.  Erickson could probably do this in his sleep.  Any attempt I make would look like I did it in my sleep.  If anyone other than me has fun with this, I may repeat it.  Be warned.  Be creative.

DISC
CAKE
RULES

I’ll be back, next week, with my first attempt.

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Rather Fishy One-Liners

I used licorice as fish bait….
….I caught all sorts.

The swordfish has no natural predators to be afraid of….
….Except for the penfish, which is thought to be mightier.

Do you like steak jokes?….
….Good ones are rare.

I had to give up my vegetarian diet….
….They’re much harder to catch than cows.

Quantum Mechanics….
….The dreams stuff is made from.

If you break the law of gravity….
….do you get a suspended sentence?

On the depressing side of physics….
….gravity always brings me down.

With sufficient launch thrust….
….pigs fly just fine.

My attempts to combine nitrous oxide and Oxo cubes….
….have made me a laughing stock.

Why are the fronts of Apple Stores….
….all windows?

What are the names of the two guys standing by the window?….
….Kurt ‘n Rod.

I once wrote a story about a broken window….
….It’s saved in my drafts.

Your Honor, I never told this young woman that I would take her to Florida….
….I just said that I was going to Tampa with her.

We should take a more organized approach….
….to chaos theory.

What do you call a homeless horse?….
….Unstable.

The wife suggested we go to a costume party, dressed as pheasants….
….I’m game, if she is.

Scrolls were replaced by tablets….
….Tablets were replaced by books….
….Now we scroll through books on tablets.

Does anyone remember the chiropractor joke….
….I put it here, about a week back?

I’m heading down to the Autopsy Club later….
….It’s open Mike night.

I’ve been prescribed anti-gloating cream….
….I can’t wait to rub it in.

Just so that everyone is clear….
….I’m going to put my glasses on.

Went to see a play called Breaking Bones….
….Amazing cast.

The worst part of being addicted to apples….
….You can’t see a doctor about it.

Oh man, a hyperbole totally ripped into a bar….
….and destroyed everything.

This sentence contains….
….exactly threee erors.

A recent study by statisticians reveals….
….that the average person has one breast and one testicle.

😳

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Unreal Fibbing Friday

Last week, Pensitivity101 gave us real words but wanted to know what our definitions were.

  1. Hircine

I’m not saying that my neighbours are semi-literate rednecks but….She talks about astrological symbols.  She says that hircine is Virgo.  It’s obviously a very old one.

2. Roorback

Bentley Roorback is the leader of the Thalian Party.  He thinks that MAGA is a valid word, and that Donald Trump was God’s second son.  I’ve heard that, during his interesting college days, he was caught having sex with a goat, and he now hands out Halloween candy to children, that is laced with LSD, and meth.

3. Antithalian♪

We should all be antithalian.  Those people are seriously worrisome.  Back before the advent of the internet, each village used to only have one idiot.  Now they congregate in electronic villages, to shore up each others’ views, and try to convince saner people that The Earth is flat, senior politicians are actually alien lizards in human disguise, and that Hillary Clinton was operating a child-sex ring from the basement of a run-down pizza shop.

4. Novercal

Novercal is the pharmaceutical street-cousin to Novocaine – all of the up, without any of the down.

5. Accismus

It is quite valid, but this is a term that should never be publicly used, in reference to the butt of any of the Kardashians.  (It’s okay to do it with Caitlyn Jenner – butt you’re a pervert!)  They have more money than most small countries, and a flock of free-range lawyers, just scratchin’ to make a name for themselves, and a fat contingency fee.

6. Mundivagant

Like those who sought the Scarlet Pimpernel, I sought the meaning of this word.  I sought it on Dictionary.com.  I sought it on Merriam-Webster.  Cannot locate mundivagant.  Did you mean mendicant?  I sought it here.  I sought it there.  I sought the blighter everywhere.  I sought it in the forests of Canada, the mountains of Peru, the swamps of Borneo.  I travelled the world, real and virtual – without leaving my computer chair.  😎

7. Prefestinate

Prefestinate is an adjective which describes the fuss, the planning, the hard work, leading up to a big celebration of some sort.  The weeks preceding Kitchener’s Oktoberfest are an orgy of prefestinate organized confusion.

8. Apiculate

Something kept goading me – poking me with a sharp stick- to come up with a smart- ass answer for this word.  But I decided to just leaf it alone.  😉

9. Sloomy

She was the downscale girlfriend in a 1965 song made famous by The McCoys – Hang on Sloomy.  She wasn’t gloomy – she was Sloomy, it’s just that her busy social life kept her constantly short of sleep.

10 Ramulose

Like silver hairs among the gold, here’s a bit of truth among the lies.  Once upon a time…. I had an uncle named Randolph.  He was known to all and sundry, family and friends, for 55 years, as RAM.  And he fit the name – short, muscular, he wouldn’t fit in an empty apple barrel, but with no fat.

When he was widowed, my Mother and sister embarked on a campaign to marry him off to a long-absent widow who had moved back to town to care for her aged mother.

When he died, and the two attended his funeral, I heard them complain, “I didn’t know who the preacher was talking about!  It was, ‘Randy this’ and ‘Randy that.”  I told them, ‘It was Ram-u-lose.’

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I’m Keeping An Eye On You

eyes-2

No good deed ever goes unpunished. 😯

A young man was convicted of a crime, and sentenced to prison. Shortly after arriving, he became well-known to the prison infirmary. First, his tonsils got infected, and had to be removed, then he jammed his little finger in a press in the prison work-room, and had to have it amputated. His appendix swelled up and almost burst before they operated on him. Finally, he had to go to the prison dentist to have his wisdom teeth pulled.

The Warden followed him in and stood in front of the chair. “I’m onto you Mister! Don’t think that I don’t know what you’re up to. You’re trying to sneak out of here, one little piece at a time.”

Gravity Well

And so it is with me. I had the retina of my right eye operated on, back around New Years. I was told to come back in about 6 weeks for a follow-up, and if things had gone well, I might have the left eye done also. Things went well. The film on the retina had caused a divot which made words and letters fall in, like the Black Hole gravity well above.

The eye still has blurry spots, but is expected to continue to improve. Re-examination of the left eye shows that it can be ignored for some time. HOWEVER….

I was told to go to my local Ophthalmologist after another 6 weeks for a final check-up. Tests last year showed the merest of beginnings of cataracts in both eyes. When she examined them, she was happy with the surgical results, only….

After the Optical Surgeon poked three needles into the right eye, some of the vitreous humor fluid leaked out, and got on the lens. Apparently, this can stimulate the development of cataracts. Now I am scheduled to go to a local hospital, Thursday, June 13th, to have her peel off cataracts which are developing on the right eye and which made me think that the first operation was not completely successful.

Pirate

First I told my pharmacist that a guy had stuck three needles into my eye. Now I told her that someone is going to use a medical potato peeler to strip off cloudy surface lens material. She is astounded that I can so calmly joke about such a thing. That’s just the way I deal with potentially stressful situations. There’s no sense brooding about it, and driving up my blood pressure. Making fun of it makes it less frightening.

During the first operation, my head was reclined almost upside-down, and all work was done below my field of vision.  For this one, she’ll be coming directly at me.  I wonder how disconcerting that will be.  😯

Like before, I may be incommunicado for a while, but, like Arnie The Terminator – “I’ll be back.” See you then – I hope.   😎

White Cane

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The Evolution Of Religion

Prayer Beads

Finally, an eminent scientist is setting out to prove that the rise of religion was caused by evolution.

In humans’ mysterious journey to become intelligent, socializing creatures like no other in the animal world, religion was the innovation which played an essential role. We needed something to literally stop everyone from killing everyone else, just out of grumpiness.

How did we manage it? Did humor help? Exercise?  Storytelling?  Singing?  Dance?

CAUTION, CONFORMITY CONFIRMATION

Religion is a complex, multi-tentacled Hydra, which draws from many psychological inputs, to ensure the survival of (most of) the race. It creates an US and a THEM.  Anything we recognize as US, we deem safe and acceptable.  THEM, on the other hand, are not family, clan or village, fit to be driven out.

Each species of primate can manage to keep up a special bond with a certain number of others of the same species. This goes up as brain size increases, from monkeys to apes.  Humans can maintain significantly more social ties than brain size alone, seems to explain.  Most of us keep a surprisingly large number of social ties, including 5 with intimate friends, 50 with good friends, 150 with friends, and 1500 with people we can recognize by name.

Reading this, I immediately knew that I was well below the standard. Of my 5 most intimate friends, I’ve only physically met two of them.  I am friendly with 50 to 150 people, but they are store clerks, Osteopaths, etc.  While they may like me, or put up with me and my silliness, I doubt that they regard themselves as my ‘friend,’ and I barely remember the names of the people who reside in the same house with me. 1500??!

It is well known that repetitive actions like pacing the floor, or twiddling thumbs, lower anxiety. The Jews and Muslims have prayer beads, and Catholics have their rosary – the same thing, with a cross attached, although most Protestants have given it up.  Buddhist monks spin prayer wheels, and all of these focus the mind to help achieve a calm, Zen-like state.

Religions have taken all the calming practices, and made them into group activities. If everyone bows, kneels (in the same direction), waves their hands, etc, at the same time, each person feels less aggressive and more accepting, and everybody feels part of the group.

A couple of other calming activities are singing – think hymns – and dancing, although Christianity has largely got away from that. It smacks too much of ‘having fun.’  Anyone forced to observe me singing or dancing, would not be calm or friendly.

Another couple of aggression/tension reducers surprised me. Not ‘group’ actions, because not everyone performs them simultaneously, they are humor and story-telling.  Presenting funny or spell-binding tales to a rapt group, especially youngsters, binds them into a less war-like group.

My singing and dancing may be banned in some States, and I can’t remember who my friends are, but apparently, my blog-posts and jokes make others less likely to assault me.  Hey!  I’m religious, and I didn’t even know it.   😯