Tag Archives: influence

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F*#king One-Liners

I like to surround myself with people with extensive vocabularies….
….but still say fuck a lot.

If you crossed a fish with an elephant….
….would you get swimming trunks?

Fibonacci’s Soup ingredients….
….Yesterday’s soup – Day before yesterday’s soup….

If at first you don’t succeed….
….try twice more so your error is significant.

An expensive laxative will give you….
….a run for your money.

I have a joke about statistical analysis….
….but it’s mean.

Nothing tops….
….a plain pizza.

Why don’t people from India play soccer?….
….Because, when they go in the corner, they open a store.

The guy who invented the wind chill factor died….
….He was 87, but felt like 75.

Did you hear about the stockbroker who got electrocuted….
….when he shorted Tesla?

I am a bad influence….
….but DAMN, I’m fun!

I wrote a joke about the number 288…
….but it’s two gross.

I gave my History teacher a gift….
….but she didn’t like the present.

I have an economics joke….
….but there’s no demand for it.

Age is not a number….
….It is clearly a word.

I’m not old.  I’m only 39*….
….*plus shipping and handling

I woke up this morning, and nothing hurt….
….I thought I was dead.

I asked Siri a question about my life expectancy….
….She changed the subject.

Sign in store window, No Help Wanted….
….I’m going to apply.  I’d be great!

An Ampersand walks into a bar, and is served a free beer….
….A customer says, “Wow, he must be some kind of special character.”

I’m going back to the 80s….
….Anybody want anything?

If a grocery store has a section for health food….
….then what is the rest of the store??

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Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed Fibbing Friday

Pensitivity101 had a mix of old and new questions last week:

What did the quick brown fox jump over?

Fourteen old manual typewriters in a row, all just to correct a pangram which described him as ‘brown,’ rather than red.
I’m Scottish, damn it, and I manage a haggis restaurant, not a bloody curry shop!  🙄

What were the Window Cleaner’s confessions?

That he was so busy checking his status on all the social media platforms, that he never thought to look into the offices, to see who was doing what…. or whom.  😳

What was The Mad Hatter’s true occupation?

Starbucks barista/social influencer

Why did Cinderella lose her glass slipper?

So that she wouldn’t end up like the female college student, still living at home.  When she returned from a date one night, her Father asked her why her shoe was all wet and muddy.  She said her Tinder match-up drove her WAAAYYY out into the country, in a deluge, and told her to come across, or walk home.  Dad asked why only one shoe was muddy.  She replied that she changed her mind.
I do not believe the myth that rape is impossible because a female with her skirt up can run faster than a man with his trousers down.

Why do people in old TV shows and movies spend so much time sitting on their front porch?

Because they’ve been sitting on their back porches for so long, that they’re welded to the couch – the chair – the porch swing.

What happened to the three little pigs?

Souvlaki!  😉  Gotta go.  Time for supper.

What is Air Force One?


Help, I’ve been elected, and I can’t get up.

The most powerful man on Earth!  The leader of the Free World – right after he’s had his Alzheimer’s treatment.

Stair-lifts drive me up the wall!  🙄

 

Who brings the Easter Eggs?

What goes Hippity-Hop through the mud??
The Easter Pig!

Who was Harvey?

Yesterday, upon the stair
I met a giant rabbit who wasn’t there.
He wasn’t there again today.
I wish that giant, imaginary bunny would go away.

What is quick silver?

That’s what The Lone Ranger said to his horse when he needed to visit the powder room.  Apparently the mesas in the American west were formed by erosion from Indian tribes who didn’t have Porta-Potties.  😳

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’22 A To Z Challenge – I

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s not that I’m stubborn.  It’s just that I’m usually right.  I am urged to consider others’ opinions.  I do!  I consider many of them stupid and unworkable.  My darling wife, whose vocabulary is limited to romance novel levels, would not call me

Intransigent

refusing to agree or compromise; uncompromising; inflexible
obstinately maintaining an attitude

Nor

Intractable

not easily controlled or directed; not docile or manageable; stubborn; obstinate:
difficult to influence or direct

I don’t think that I am smarter than others.  It is, perhaps, just that I pay more attention to reality.  I only have a high school diploma, and some work-related post-secondary training.  I am constantly amazed by the ignorance and misunderstanding of people with college and university degrees.

One day, at work, four of us were playing cards at lunch, and the radio played an advertisement referencing the legal code of Habburami.   Two of us perked up, and simultaneously shouted, “Hammurabi!”  A co-worker asked, “How do you know?”  I answered, ”Because we paid attention in class.”

Religion is not the only reason that people believe and say foolish, stupid things.  The education system in North America, more and more, resembles a sewage treatment plant, with about the same type and quality of output.  Something is rotten in the state of Denmark Mississippi, New Jersey, etc.

I am amenable to being honestly and intelligently guided, but I refuse to be blindly led.  I am willing – anxious – to change my opinion if I am offered solid evidence, and well-thought-out presentations.  I will not take seriously, any opinion, from someone who asks things like, “Do Atheists have children?” – or Flat-Earth-type fools who claim that, “Australia is a lie.  It’s not real.  If it was, (sic) people would fall off.”

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WOW #11

Donald Trump

I never really thought about why Dictionary.com chose their word of the day, until they admitted that Donald Trump-watching was influencing their decisions.

First, there was paralogize, where he derives wrong conclusions from the facts at hand.  Then there is the 1984-novel word Newspeak, which covers Trump’s alternative facts, both of which are just ways to say that politicians lie to us.  Then came canard, which is yet another word for the Great Cheesehead’s lies.  Even dudgeon, which describes the snits he throws when someone challenges or disagrees with him.  At last, we come to;

MUMPSIMUS

Definitions for mumpsimus
adherence to or persistence in an erroneous use of language, memorization, practice, belief, etc., out of habit or obstinacy (opposed to sumpsimus).
a person who persists in a mistaken expression or practice (opposed to sumpsimus). 

Origin of mumpsimus 1520 – 1530
Mumpsimus entered English from a story, which perhaps originated with Erasmus, of an illiterate priest who said mumpsimus rather than sumpsimus (1st plural perfect indicative of Latin sūmere to pick up) while reciting the liturgy, and refused to change the word when corrected.

Sound like anyone we know? The Excited States is not the only country afflicted with politicians like this.  Canada has a few of its own, and I am sure other countries do, as well.  Since the word is an error, it has nothing to do with mumps, which is a whole different pain in the neck.  I would not call Yoga-instructor,  ski-bum, drama-student, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau a pain in the neck.  I have a much lower opinion of him.

Butt

See you soon, with some non-political words. 😛