’24 A To Z Challenge – V

With a nod (and a sly wink) to John Erickson, who inadvertently provided the blog-theme word prompt for the letter V.

***

When Donald Trump is crowned and enthroned as Holy Christian Emperor and Grand Panjandrum inaugurated as the rerun President of the United States, he has promised to enact legislation that will make the

VUVUZELA

The National Musical Instrument of the country.

Considering what Trump is and does, this is an incredibly apt allegory for his presidential tenure.  It is shrill, aggressive, discordant, and irritating.  It is limited to one note, and it does not produce anything even vaguely socially or musically melodious or harmonious.

Its only abilities seem to be self-congratulatory celebrations of incredibly minor achievements, and preventing half the population from the quiet enjoyment of their lives.  It will MAKE AMERICA LOUD and OBNOXIOUS AGAIN.

Give Me Liberty, Or Give Me Death

Those who give up freedoms for security, will receive neither.

Police do not want to enforce the laws.  They want peace and quiet.

Sadly, so do too many citizens, at the expense of their, and others’, guaranteed rights and freedoms.  I hear apologies and excuses like, “Somebody nosing around the back of a police station could be setting a bomb, sabotaging vehicles, or planning an ambush shooting. People pushing their rights should think about how they look to those they are pushing against.”

All of that is true.  HOWEVER….  Anticipating that police are often required to make difficult decisions quickly, cool-minded, forward-thinking planners have established a whole directory of rules and regulations, tactics, plans, procedures, policies and protocols, strategies, statutes, and laws that should be followed in any problematic situation.

The US Supreme Court has ruled that ‘suspicion’ is not a crime, and that investigation must be carried out before slapping handcuffs on someone and hot-boxing them in the back of a cruiser.  Police are not allowed to definitely break the law, just because a citizen might be doing something illegal.

A well-known Florida auditor travelled to a small Georgia city, also well-known for mistreating homeless, panhandlers, transients…. and auditors.  He stood right outside the city hall, with a large cardboard sign that read “FUCK City Hall.”  Immediately, the mayor and three police officers appeared.  At first, they tried to claim that he was ‘soliciting’ (panhandling – which the US Supreme Court has ruled is an appeal for social assistance, and protected First Amendment speech) but he quickly rebutted that, and claimed freedom of speech.

They were obviously more enraged at this act of rebellion, than the content of the sign, but made a big deal about it, claiming that the word ‘FUCK’ was an obscenity that the city had a bylaw against.  He informed them that, again, it was protected free speech.

Several times they demanded and ordered him to leave.  Several times he demurred, citing the Constitutional right to redress of social grievances on the steps of city hall.  The attacks grew sharper and stronger.  Finally, he said,  “What are you gonna do, if I don’t leave?”  “You will be arrested and charged.”  “I don’t want to be arrested, because then I would have to sue you for violating my Constitutional rights.”  “Go ahead and sue, smart guy!  I don’t give a shit about your Constitutional rights!” – an attitude mirrored by far too many police officers.

“Okay, under threat of arrest, I will leave.”  “Too late!  If you wanna play the game, you have to pay the price.  You’re under arrest.”  The actual, final outcome of this altercation was probably strongly influenced by the handsy female Negro cop, who was clearly seen and heard on camera to say, “If we can’t do it the right way, we’ll do it our way.”  A year later, the Georgia Supreme Court ordered that all records of his arrest and charges had to be expunged.  The unlawful panhandling and obscenity bylaws had to be rescinded.  The mayor had to issue an official, printed apology, and ensure that a digital copy was posted on the city’s website, and an unspecified amount of punitive damages had to be paid.

King James (Yeah, That King James – the one with the Bible) once said, “It is better that a thousand innocents be tortured to death, than that one witch be allowed to live.”  It is disheartening that the actions and attitudes of petty tyrants have not improved appreciably in four hundred years.  😮

Original post here

Law-Abiding Comedy

Police Officer Test

How do you tell the difference between an English police officer, a Canadian police officer, an American police officer, and a Scottish police officer?

QUESTION: You’re on duty by yourself (Don’t ask why.  You just are, and your Sergeant hates you) walking on a deserted street, late at night.  Suddenly a huge man with a knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, and lunges at you.  You are carrying your truncheon, and are an expert at using it.  However, you only have a split-second to react before he reaches you.  What do you do?

ANSWER:

BRITISH OFFICER
Firstly, you have to consider the man’s civil rights.
1. Does the man look poor or oppressed?
2. Is he newly arrived in this country and does not understand the law?
3. Is this really a knife, or a ceremonial dagger?
4. Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
5. Am I dressed provocatively?
6. Can I run away?
7. Could I possibly swing my truncheon, and knock the knife out of his hand?
8. Should I try and negotiate with him and discuss his wrong-doings?
9. Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway, and what kind of message does this give to society?
10. Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content to merely wound me?
11. If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?
12. If I raise my truncheon and he runs away, do I get blamed if he trips, falls down, smacks his head, and dies?
13. If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, and cost me my job, my credibility, and my family home?

CANADIAN OFFICER
THUMP!!

AMERICAN OFFICER
Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang!!
Click, reload.
Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang!

SCOTTISH OFFICER
Haw, Jimmy..  Drop the knife noo, unless ya want it shoved up yer arse.

Son Of: Humorous Answer To A Seriously Stupid Question

 

Ohh….  Did the big, bad firearm scareums??  Here’s a bit of facts and truth to calm you down.

WHY DO GUN NUTS INSIST THAT THE AR15 IS SEMI-AUTOMATIC, WHEN IT IS CLEARLY FULLY AUTOMATIC, WITH A HIGH CALIBER MAGAZINE?

It is clear that the Federal Government has passed legislation, banning the production, sale, and possession of fully automatic firearms, except for specially licensed groups, such as police or Armed Services.

It is clear on the manufacturer’s website where they state that, as a good, corporate citizen, not to mention avoiding being prosecuted for a Federal crime, the AR15 is available only as semi-automatic.

It is clear that the actuator switch on the side of the receiver does not have an indication for fully automatic firing, unlike its big brother, military model.

The “AR,” of AR15 does not stand for Assault Rifle!  The manufacturer is Armalite, and it is an Armalite Rifle.

It is clear, when you reached the point of over-emotionally ranting about the high caliber magazine, that you really don’t know what you’re talking about.  “CALIBER” refers to the diameter of the bullets fired, not the magazine.  The Army has changed from ammunition that kills the enemy, to stuff that just annoys them, and ties up four support staff, for every wounded soldier.  The 5.56 mm slugs that the AR15 fires equal .223 Caliber – barely barn-rat plinking size.

If you meant a HIGH CAPACITY magazine, I suppose that 20 rounds might seem like a lot to a rube whose chickens only lay a dozen eggs at a time, but the Army has 30, and 50-round banana-clips, and 100-round drum-mags.  Perhaps you could make it clear why, despite all of the above data, you insist on claiming that it is fully automatic.

It is clear that Chicken Little wants the rest of us to help him run around, shouting, “The sky is falling!  The sky is falling!” but the vast majority of us are too busy laughing at idiots like him and Flat Earthers, to be bothered.

***

Personally, I think that most AR15s are purchased as a penis-substitute, by insecure men, but if you’re going to campaign against them, the least you could do is some research, to get your arguments correct – or just be honest.  That would be novel.  🙄

I’m Going All Medieval On You

Some of our most popular phrases have a long history, including some that go back to the Middle Ages. Here are 10 medieval phrases from the Dictionary of Idioms and their Origins.

  1. “The apple of one’s eye”

In early medieval England the pupil of the eye was known as the apple (Old English æppel) since it was thought to be an apple-shaped solid. Since the delicate pupil of the eye is essential for vision, it is a part that is cherished and to be protected. Thus apple of the eye was used as a figure for a much-loved person or thing. Even King Alfred the Great used this phrase.

2. “Baker’s dozen”

This phrase arose from a piece of medieval legislation, the Assize of Bread and Ale of 1262. Bakers of the period had a reputation for selling underweight loaves, so legislation was put in place to make standardized weights. To make sure that they did not sell underweight bread, bakers started to give an extra piece of bread away with every loaf, and a thirteenth loaf with every dozen.

3. “To curry favour”

The phrase came from the Middle English words ‘curry favel’, which in Old French was ‘estriller fauvel’. It meant ‘to rub down or groom a chestnut horse. In Le Roman de Favuel, a 14th-century French romance, a chestnut horse representing hypocrisy and deceit is carefully combed down by other characters in order to win his favour and assistance. The popularity of the work led people to accuse those who tried to further their own ends by flattery to be currying favel. By the sixteenth century the phrase had changed slightly to currying favour.

4. “To play devil’s advocate”

Devil’s advocate is a translation of the Latin ‘advocatus diaboli’. This was the popular title given to the official appointed by the Roman Catholic church to argue against the proposed canonization of a saint by bringing up all that was unfavourable to the claim. The post, which was officially known as Promoter of the Faith (promotor fidei), seems to have been established by Pope Leo X in the early sixteenth century.

5. “To throw down the gauntlet”

The gauntlet was a piece of armour that knights wore to protect their forearms and hands. A gauntlet-wearing knight would challenge a fellow knight or enemy to a duel by throwing one of his gauntlets on the ground.

6. “By hook or by crook”

Records of this phase date back to the 14th century. One theory for its origin suggests that a medieval law about collecting firewood allowed peasants to take what they could only cut from dead trees by using their reaper’s bill-hook or a shepherd’s crook.

7. “Hue and cry”

This phrase dates back to 12th-century England. Hue comes from the Old French ‘huer’, which means to shout out. In the Middle Ages, if you saw a crime being committed, you were obliged to raise ‘hue’ and ‘cry’, that is to shout and make noise, to warn the rest of the community, so they could come to pursue and capture the criminal.

8. “A nest egg”

By the fourteenth century the phrase nest egg was used by peasants to explain why they left one egg in the nest when collecting them from hens – it would encourage the chickens to continue laying eggs in the same nest. By the seventeenth century this phrase now meant to set aside a sum of money for the future.

9. “A red-letter day”

During the fifteenth century it became customary to mark all feast days and saints’ days in red on the ecclesiastical calendar, while other days were in black.

10. “To sink or swim”

The phrase refers to the water ordeal, a medieval practice of judging whether a person was innocent or guilty by casting him or her into a lake. The belief was that water would not accept anyone who had rejected the water of baptism, so if the victim sunk they were innocent, but if they floated they were guilty. Chaucer used a similar phrase: “Ye rekke not whether I flete (float) or sink”.

A House Built On Sand

The United States Constitution, you may be surprised to learn, mentions religion only twice: Once, in Article VI, where it states that “no religious test shall ever be required as a qualification to any office or public trust under the United States,” and again, in the First Amendment, where it states that “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof.” That’s it; you’ve now just read everything there is to read about religion in America’s most significant founding document.

This turns out to be an awkward revelation for the Christian nationalist; if the founders were, as Christian nationalists maintain, creating a “Christian nation,” it is quite odd that the words, God, Jesus, Christianity, and the like are entirely absent from the “supreme law of the land,” and that religion is only mentioned twice and in an entirely negative sense. Clearly, the US was established as a religiously neutral secular government—the first of its kind in the history of the world.

Frankly, I’m not sure how the founders could have been any clearer in their intentions without literally writing the words “THE U.S. IS NOT A CHRISTIAN COUNTRY.” Of course, some of the founders actually did write these words in the Treaty of Tripoli, which in 1797 was signed by President John Adams with the unanimous consent of the US Senate, and which says that “the Government of the United States of America is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion.”

We can keep going. While Thomas Jefferson’s exhortation for a “wall of separation” between church and state is well-known, what may be less well-known is that James Madison, the author of the Bill of Rights and father of the Constitution, was equally vociferous against the idea of mixing religion with government. On the issue of congressional chaplains, for example, Madison wrote, in the Detached Memoranda, “the establishment of the chaplainship to Congress is a palpable violation of equal rights, as well as of Constitutional principles.” He noted that minority religions would likely never achieve chaplainship, and, therefore, that the promotion of one religion above all others using government resources was a clear violation of constitutional principles—principles, keep in mind, that he would be very familiar with on account of the fact that he drafted them.

Further, note that the Constitution opens with the words “We the people,” which is a direct philosophical declaration that the government draws its power from the consent of the governed, not from a deity. Additionally, the idea that all persons are created equal, embodied in the Declaration of Independence, is fundamentally at odds with the idea of Christian supremacy. As one Supreme Court decision put it (before it was overtaken by conservative Christians), “A government cannot be premised on the belief that all persons are created equal when it asserts that God prefers some.”

Therefore, under no reasonable interpretation of the founding documents—not even and especially under the flawed, conservative interpretive scheme of originalism—can we possibly conclude that the country was founded as a “Christian nation.”

And yet that is exactly what the Supreme Court is attempting to turn the nation into, as constitutional attorney Andrew Seidel masterfully explains in his latest book, American Crusade: How the Supreme Court Is Weaponizing Religious Freedom. By analyzing several key Supreme Court cases over the last thirty years, Seidel shows us how these cases are being increasingly decided against the principles and sentiments of the founders—and against the best interests as a country.

A Warlike Fibbing Friday

Pensitivity101 wanted alternate opinions about some historical disagreements.  The following may, or may not be, fictitious.

1 Who fought in the Punic War?

A bunch of online, word-swirling one-liner-mongers, trying to outdo each other to prove that they were real wits.  They would have to clone themselves, just to be half that.

2 Who won the Cretan War?

Well, it wasn’t the cretins who invaded the Capitol on January 6th, and it wasn’t the Mayor Mac-and-Cheese-head cretin who took sensitive homework to his log-cabin at Mar-a-Lago, and forgot to put it back.  I think the real winners were attorneys who finally got indictments, and the general American public, even though some of them don’t believe that.

3 Who wrote the book of war?

According to my great-grandson – it was some guy named Hoyle.  A two beats an ace, an’ a three beats a two.  You deal ‘em out, Poppa.

4 What was the Gothic War about?

Innumerable concerned mothers, trying to argue innumerable teenage daughters out of wearing black makeup, and all-black clothing, including torn leggings.  Couldn’t you put on a nice skirt, and look like a girl??

5 Why did they have so many Crusades?

Because they were all led by old retired guys like me, who forgot what they were doing.  “Okay, we’re at the Promised Land.  What did we come here for??  I want a cheese sandwich.  I’m going home.”

6 What was the longest battle in history?

That was between the wife and me.  Just because I suggested that she get her ass in gear, so that we could reach our vacation destination before it got dark, and they rolled the sidewalks up, it extended from Ontario, all the way to Charleston, SC.  When we reached the border, she gave the Customs Official the evil eye through my window and said, “We have nothing that you need to worry about!  Just step back, and let us through.”  He must have been married, because he did so, quickly!

7 How long did the 100 Years war last?

The King of Zor, He called for war
And the King of Zam, he answered.

A lot longer than it should have, because, back then, there were no ‘Summer Blockbusters.’  Farmers who might be conscripted into the army needed to plow and plant in the spring, and reap and harvest in autumn.  No-one wanted to fight in the winter, when there was ice and snow, but every summer, it was, “Let’s go invade someone.”  All that nonsense finally stopped when Sir Francis Drake invented lawn-bowling.

8 Who fought in the French and Indian War?

A disappointing percentage of the Canadian Parliament, because they are infected with a bad case of ‘Presentism.’  They want to “fix” decisions that were made 300, 400 years ago.  Afflicted with a bad case of “White Man’s Guilt,” they want to pay reparations to today’s Indigenous; because whites obeyed the law of the land back then – Take What You need – Keep What You Can Hold.

Les Quebecois are almost as bad.  The Surrender Monkeys in France gave them up back then, but today’s politicians want to give them special language rights and tax breaks that no other Canadian groups enjoy.  😛

9 Who was in the Battle of the Roses?

That was just a sort of informal contest between Pete Rose, and Axl Rose, to see if Pete could lose money faster, betting on baseball game outcomes, than Axl could, snorting it up his nose.  Axl is ahead at the moment.  He’s purchased so much nose-candy, that he can’t afford to snort it with a $100 bill.  It’s a good thing that he’s not Canadian, because we don’t have $1, or $2 bills any more.

10 How long did the 6 Days War last?

Just until Jehovah stepped in and said, “This is the Sabbath!  Enough already!  Give it a rest!”

Rather Fishy One-Liners

I used licorice as fish bait….
….I caught all sorts.

The swordfish has no natural predators to be afraid of….
….Except for the penfish, which is thought to be mightier.

Do you like steak jokes?….
….Good ones are rare.

I had to give up my vegetarian diet….
….They’re much harder to catch than cows.

Quantum Mechanics….
….The dreams stuff is made from.

If you break the law of gravity….
….do you get a suspended sentence?

On the depressing side of physics….
….gravity always brings me down.

With sufficient launch thrust….
….pigs fly just fine.

My attempts to combine nitrous oxide and Oxo cubes….
….have made me a laughing stock.

Why are the fronts of Apple Stores….
….all windows?

What are the names of the two guys standing by the window?….
….Kurt ‘n Rod.

I once wrote a story about a broken window….
….It’s saved in my drafts.

Your Honor, I never told this young woman that I would take her to Florida….
….I just said that I was going to Tampa with her.

We should take a more organized approach….
….to chaos theory.

What do you call a homeless horse?….
….Unstable.

The wife suggested we go to a costume party, dressed as pheasants….
….I’m game, if she is.

Scrolls were replaced by tablets….
….Tablets were replaced by books….
….Now we scroll through books on tablets.

Does anyone remember the chiropractor joke….
….I put it here, about a week back?

I’m heading down to the Autopsy Club later….
….It’s open Mike night.

I’ve been prescribed anti-gloating cream….
….I can’t wait to rub it in.

Just so that everyone is clear….
….I’m going to put my glasses on.

Went to see a play called Breaking Bones….
….Amazing cast.

The worst part of being addicted to apples….
….You can’t see a doctor about it.

Oh man, a hyperbole totally ripped into a bar….
….and destroyed everything.

This sentence contains….
….exactly threee erors.

A recent study by statisticians reveals….
….that the average person has one breast and one testicle.

😳

The Laws Of The Internet

Constants and laws that you can always rely on

POE’S LAW

There is a point where it is almost impossible to distinguish extremism from satire of extremism.

STREISAND’S LAW

Any attempt to censor information on the web will lead to that information being widely spread.

ARMSTRONG’S LAW

The longer a conversation goes on without a mention of America, the more likely it is for some random American to bring up the moon landings.

MUPHRY’S LAW

If you leave a comment, correcting someone, there will always be a mistake in it.

CUNNINGHAM’S LAW

The best way to get an answer to a question is to answer it wrong yourself, and just wait for someone to correct you.

CAD’s THEOREM OF TOPIC CLOSURE

A smart post is less likely to receive a reply than a stupid post, because there is less to be said, but a really full and comprehensive post will bring conversation to a halt.

THE LAW OF ‘GO FAQ YOURSELF’

Any given question in a website’s FAQ will be repeated, at least once a week.

WADSWORTH’S CONSTANT

The first 30 minutes of any video contains no useful information.

COLE’S LAW

It’s just thin-sliced cabbage

Smitty’s Loose Change #19

Ding-dong!  The wicked witch of COVID lockdowns is dead – or at least mortally wounded.  Someone threw a pail of hand-sanitizer on her.  Earlier in August, I spent an exciting weekend.  On Saturday, we attended the celebration of the wife’s aunt/godmother’s 100th birthday.  Now I have a goal to shoot for.

On the Sunday, I attended an al fresco meeting of the Free Thinkers, in the park.  Damn the Woke Generation!!  In conversation, as I do in my blog-posts, I mentioned, “The Wife.”  A feminist jumped all over me for using that expression, “like she was just some object.  You should refer to her as, ‘My wife”

A male, unasked, unwanted and unneeded, came to my rescue by saying that the term My Wife’ could indicate ownership and control.  Damned if I do.  Damned if I don’t!  Whatever happened to ‘Just keep your damned mouth shut?’

***

An overnight success, after twenty years in the business

Musical archeologists, searching for the lost Ark of the Goldie-Oldies, recently dug up what may be one of the earliest examples of PC/Woke.  They unearthed the 1961 novelty song, My boomerang won’t come back by Charlie Drake.

“My Boomerang” is not exactly a paragon of political correctness, even by 1961 standards. In the song an Aboriginal meeting is described as a “pow-wow”—something more appropriate for Native Americans—while their chanting sounds more African than Aboriginal. (Oddly, many of the Aboriginal speakers in the song have either American or British accents.) Most of all, Drake raised eyebrows with the chorus: “I’ve waved the thing all over the place/practised till I was black in the face/I’m a big disgrace to the Aborigine race/My boomerang won’t come back!”

After the BBC refused to play the tune (despite its popularity in record shops), a new version was recorded, substituting “blue in the face.”  When the song was initially released in the USA it also contained the “black in the face” lyric which was shortly changed to “blue.”

***

The word “monosyllable”…. has five syllables.

***

The problem with religion right now is that it hasn’t evolved.  Instead of being open and searching for ways to be relevant in today’s world, it’s gone all defensive and protective, and it has regressed into lowest-common-denominator sound bites – and fundamentalism.

***

I recently saw a picture of a washroom at Tim Horton’s, Canada’s national coffee and doughnut shop.  The toilet brush holder was a Starbucks mug.

Tim’s provided the coffee and donut balls for the recent outdoor meeting in the park.  They sent two 1-gallon, plastic-lined cardboard flasks of coffee, two boxes of Timbits, a bag of plastic cups, lids, stir-stix, sugar, and creamers.

Down at the bottom of the bag, unasked for, and unexpected, they included a dozen metal lapel pins that read

 O Canada
Right the wrongs

apparently referring to current, Indigenous atonement proceedings.  All very commendable but – when I go to a coffee shop, I want coffee and donuts – not political statements.

I do not see as wrongs, things that Snowflakes, afflicted with White Guilt, claim as wrongs.  When Europeans came to Canada, they operated under the same legal system that the Indigenous did – Take what you need – Hold what you can.

No-one owned the land, until a government, representing several nations and cultures, laid claim.  “Survival Of The Fittest” says that those most able to adapt, are most likely to endure.  Natives were expected to join the changing society.

The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
Moves on: nor all thy Piety nor Wit
Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.

Many of the wise ones adapted, and became modern, productive Canadians.  The rest want to wear buckskins and feathers, whine that progress has passed them by, and party like it’s 1799.  😥