Fibbing Friday #299

Last week, Pensitivity101 wanted us to have some fun with these, and not worry if you think your answers are old and tired!

1. What’s the difference between a bow and a curtsey?

A bow is that thing that looks like a set of McDonald’s arches that Cupid carries on Valentine’s Day.  A curtsey is holding a door for someone.  They don’t even look the same.  Have you been smokin’ that shit again??  I thought you were banned from the dispensary, after the last incident!  Skunkweed??  What skunkweed?

2. What’s the difference between a bison and a basin?

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When a young, male, American buffalo leaves home to go to Uni, his father just says BISON, and hopes that he doesn’t end up playing Dixieland Jazz in a cheap bar on BASIN Street, in New Orleans.

3. What’s the difference between a pocket and a pouch?

Someone might pick your pocket, but Joey says that if they can pick your pouch, they’re standing entirely too close.

4. How do you poach an egg?

Climb over the fence after dark, and sneak into the henhouse.

5. What is smog?

Isn’t he the dragon with the bad-breath problem, from Lord of the Rings – lives in an east-end London borough named Desolation??!

6. What is triage?

That’s when you convince your girlfriend to bring along her younger sister for some horizontal tango lessons.

7. What is a tripod?

A milking stool’s grandfather

8. How many legs does an octogenarian have?

They are a special breed of Scottish cows, developed to graze on the sides of steep hills.  They have the usual two legs on the uphill side, but three on the downhill side, so they don’t fall off.  There are left-hand, and right-hand, versions.  If two of them meet, going in opposite directions, they can’t get out of each other’s way, and starve to death.

9. What is a buzz cut?

That’s when the juicy gossip in the break room comes to a sudden stop, and the hardly workers try to remember where their work station is, when the boss saunters through.

10. What’s the difference between a baggie and a bagel?

After you smoke what’s in the baggie, you might want to eat a bagel, and/or a pizza, and/or some Doritos….

Natural Stupidity

A comic strip character recently complained, “Artificial Intelligence isn’t as smart as it thinks it is.”
The blog-site name of one of my regular visitors is INGLANDIO.  My squirrel brain can only look at that for so long, before I just have to know what it means.  Despite a similarity in spelling, I doubted that it had any reference to England.  First I plugged it into Bing, because it’s attached to MSN.CA, my home page.

Here are all the results for inguinal; did you only want results for inglandio?
YES! Click
Here are all the results for inguinal, did you only want results for inglandio?

GAAH!!

People who searched for inglandio also searched for:
ingenio
linguine
duolingo
why is England called Britain
  (The other three I understand.  This one bemuses me.)

So I gave it to Google – and got exactly the same page of unhelpful stupidity.  😳  I decided to try Google-Translate.  I thought the word was probably Italian, but I’ve been fooled before, so I clicked on “Detect Language.”  Translating – from English – to English – meaning – inglandio.  There is no English word, “inglandio!”

I clicked Translate Italian to English, and was finally rewarded with, “I am going to swell.” which the same translation program, in reverse, tells me is, Mi gonfierò.”  That sure is swell.  Now I’m popping blood-pressure pills from a Pez dispenser.  What a ridiculous, useless, unlikely, definition, there is probably an idiomatic connotation for the word, or name, so, Mister Linguine Inglandio, if you hear someone tapping at your website’s back door, it’s just me, searching for meaning.

***

I implored Mr. Inglandio to elucidate, and he was kind enough to put me out of his misery.  First, you just take twice the square root of the split infinitive of a word that does not exist.  You add in some verbiage to simulate action.  Then you divide by the number of nosy inquisitive readers who question it – ONE – unity – just me.  You get a genuine imitation word that not only convinces readers that you can do it, but that you can do it in English.  The biggest reason that both AI and I had trouble was that I managed to misspell it as Inglandio – rather than Ingliando.  Poor old new Artificial Intelligence – it never stood a chance.  I know the feeling.

What’s In A Name?

A young Catholic couple took their new-born daughter to church to have the priest baptize and officially name her, after Mass.  When the time came to perform the deed, the Father asked the father, (because he owns her, doesn’t he?) “What shall I name this child?”  The husband replied, “Spindonna.”  The priest thought that was a sort of New-Agey name, but kinda cute.  He held the baby aloft, and in a loud and solemn voice, declared, “In the eyes of God, our Father, I name this child Spindonna.”

The mother immediately dissolved into tears, weeping and sobbing.  Totally confused, he asked her husband what was wrong.  Apparently, the child was to have been named Margaret.  To assure that, and to guarantee no mistakes or misunderstandings, she had used a black Magic Marker, and carefully printed the name MARGARET on a small piece of note-paper, which waS PINNED ON HER.

Now the priest had to move his hands and tongue in the opposite direction, un-cast the magic spell like it was real, and actually meant something, tell God that the kid wasn’t really called Spindonna, and start all over again.  I have a name for this – several actually!  Let’s start with superstitious nonsense.

Coup De Grace Comedy

One day a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw a guy eating grass. He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, “Why are you eating grass?”

The man replied, “I’m so poor, I cannot afford anything to eat.”

So the layer said, “Poor guy, come back to my house.”

The guys say, “I have a wife and three kids.” The lawyer told him to bring them along.

When they were all in the car, the poor man said, “Thanks for taking us back to your house; it is so kind of you.”

The lawyer replied, “You’re going to love it there … the grass is a foot tall!”

***

(Remember, folks, HR is not your friend.)

Once management wants you fired, you’ll be fired!

A king had 10 wild ferocious dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him. A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn’t like at all. So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

The minister said, “I have served you loyally for 10 years and you do this?”

The king was unrelenting.

Minister pleaded, “Please give me 10 days before you throw me to the dogs.”

The king agreed. In those 10 days the minister went to the keeper of the dogs and told him he wanted to serve the dogs for the next 10 days.

The guard was baffled, but he agreed. So the minister started feeding the dogs, caring for them, washing them, and providing all sorts of comfort for them. So when the 10 days were up. The king ordered that the minister be thrown to the dogs as sentenced.

When he was thrown in, everyone was amazed at what they saw. The dogs were wagging their tails playing with the condemned minister, licking his feet.

The king was baffled at what he saw. “What happened to the dogs?!!!” he growled.

The minister then said, “I served the dogs for only 10 days and they didn’t forget my service. I served you for 10 years and you forgot all, at the first mistake!”

The King realized his mistake and replaced the dogs with crocodiles!

I See – But I Don’t See

People see what they expect to see.  They see what they want to see.  It is far easier to fool someone, than to convince them that they have been fooled.

I recently watched YouTube video from a civil rights auditor, simply trying to spread the message of God Bless The Homeless Veterans, hand-printed on a cardboard sign.  It began with a screen shot of a police incident report, and had the audio of the phone call that caused it.

Hi.  I just dropped my son off at school, and I’m worried for him.  There’s a homeless bum, panhandling on school property.  He’s yelling at the students and he won’t leave.

Every one of those claims is absolutely false!

First the school security officer came out and tried to bully him to move on, (Y’all can’t do that here.) but was told that he was on public property, (the sidewalk) indulging in a Constitutionally-protected activity, and that the cammer was going to stay for a while.
If you don’t leave, I’m going to call the cops.
Do what you gotta do.

Sure enough, within minutes, a police officer showed up and began the bullying and misinformed harassment again.
You can’t be panhandling.  We have a city ordinance against panhandling.
I am not panhandling.  I have never asked for money.
Well, you were yelling at the students, causing a disturbance.
I didn’t yell at anybody.  I never raised my voice.
I’m trespassing you from school property, because you refused to leave when asked.
I have never been on school property.  I have video proof of that.  I was never asked to leave.
We have had several phone calls, saying that you did.  WHY WOULD THEY LIE?

Several??!  We know of only one phone call.  Why would the officer lie?  Because he believed it.  Even if there were more than the one call – the callers weren’t lying.  They were mistaken – although, perhaps not honestly.

What they saw….  A man they didn’t recognize, with no car, no kid to drop off, and a camera – therefore a danger.  Wearing shorts and a hoodie,– not dressed in white collar, not dressed in blue collar, and  sticking around – therefore, no job to go to, no income, broke, homeless, a bum, and panhandling.  He obviously wouldn’t politely remain on the sidewalk.  He would try to follow the kids into the school, to get money from the students, and when they refused, he would get loud, and possibly violent.

I don’t fault the parents for their concern for their children.  I do blame police officers like this one who arrive with their minds already made up, blindly believing what someone has claimed, ignoring ‘Innocent until shown guilty,‘  refusing to look at evidence or accept suspects’ explanations.

One of the main intentions of Civil Right auditors is to educate the public, especially policemen, and demonstrate Everyone’s legal rights, and how easy it is to lose them.  Anyone who gives up freedom for security, winds up with neither.  Far too many police don’t want the laws of the country obeyed; they just want peace and quiet, and are willing and eager to flex their unlawful power and authority to achieve it.

To Put It Another Way – IV

Now that Agent Orange has been re-elected, here’s a post about what some of his supporters have said.

Pros

There’s an asteroid hurdling toward Earth – I’m going to jump over here, out of its way.

In order to fein a suicide – $10 word – a 37¢ spelling of feign

She had a crude debt of $287,000 –an uneducated and ill-mannered financial obligation

It has never boated well – and that usage did not bode well.

Amateurs

Sewn into the seem of my t-shirt – It seems like it should be seam.

Now selling medical marinara – potential buyers probably won’t notice the spelling.

You are doing a fanaminal job It’s just not in spelling.

The city is in term oil – Well, lube up the dictionary, again.

Why do they always dial ate my eyes – So you can see that it’s dilate.

I guess I’m just ovary-acting – Sure you are…. Bob

The wife enters as I leave, or visa-versa – and your vice is misspelling

The dinosaurs wen’t extinct – all killed by a greengrocers’ apostrophe.

I have my suspensions that the cat – My suspicions are suspended.

In this SA I am going to discuss – I have no words to discuss his essay.

Office colosed for hafan hour – it doesn’t take close to half an hour to correct that.

It’s just a bunch of golly book – That sounds like gobbledygook to me.

I was a wafer the weekend – and away for a lot of English classes.

If door doesn’t open, giggle the knob – Hah, that’s a laugh

The rain all afternoon Lowe’s the temps – I blame that one on Autocorrect – and inattention

Whoever sat there rilly enjoyed the show – Really, really enjoyed it.

I repeat the nice seeing cream every day – I bet the Catholics are happy about that.

Free fire would – That just burns me up.

The woman mazed a dog – I’m amazed she didn’t use Mace

A couple of methods heads were fighting – see what drugs will do to your language

When I learned you couldn’t spell, I lost entrance – Okay, that one’s a joke…. Barely.

Remember you’re shopping bags – No, I’m not.

Respect are country, speak English – oh deer

You would thing that they just lobbed the top off – Toss in your own jokes.

Hall your pickup – down a long, narrow passage

He rode his bike pasted the car – I’m glued to that story.

TILWROT V

23 Celebrities who don’t use their real name

Once upon a time, a tribe of nomads named the Germanyė, inhabited one of the seven hills of what would become Rome.  Later, they wandered off – or were forced off. They drifted up the peninsula, and through the Alps, to the west, where they finally settled. Now they called themselves Germanotta – an Italian-ish word that meant the Germanyé people who journeyed here.

The main group split up, and various clans spread out.  Some of them took ‘Germanotta’ as a surname.  Later, Diaspora Jews settled in the same areas and some also took the name.  These clans of people, and the territories they occupied, became a group of little principalities which were collectively known as “The Germanies,” until the middle of the 1800s, when they were united into the ‘Empire of Germany.’

From one of them, a family emigrated to America, and a female descendant named Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta was born, who grew up to be the singer/performer who called herself Lady Gaga.

***

I was reading a science fiction novel about a time traveler in Tyre, in ancient Phoenicia.  To make his conversations seem like formal, upper-class-speak, the author wrote his speech in Middle-English, upper-class-speak, with an overabundance of ‘tis and ‘twas, and thee and thou.

He addressed a nosy gate-guard as a “gossoon,” and the search was on!  Gossoon means lad, or boy.  It came to English 1675/1685, from the Irish Gaelic, garsun, also meaning boy, or lad – which, in turn came from Old French, Garçon, which surprisingly, also means boy, or young, unmarried man.  That word has grown up in English when we pretentiously use it to refer to a waiter – young, old, married, or single.

***

Once upon a time – Snake Oil was real
I was viewing an article titled Un-noticed Movie Mistakes.  In Django Unchained, Django and his white mentor blow up something with red sticks of dynamite – decades before Alfred Nobel got around to developing it.

In those days, if you wanted to blow shit up, you used black powder – because the more powerful smokeless powder had also not been developed.  For large, or special, explosions, unsafe, unstable, nitroglycerine was used.  That’s why Nobel soaked it into guncotton, to make it safe and reliable.

In both the US, and Canada, when the railways were being extended to the west coast, large numbers of coolies, expendable Chinese workers, were imported to do the dangerous work.  A report said that taking the rails through the Canadian Rockies cost one Chinaman per mile.  A Canadian Minute PSA showed one Chinaman being handed a glass vial of nitro, and told to go into a cavern, and tamp it into a bored hole.  There was a muffled explosion, and a huge cloud of smoke and dust.  The foreman just assumed that the payroll had been reduced by one more, when the coughing, but smiling, man emerged.

Rail crews work hard, and the Chinese were probably made to work harder than white men.  At the end of a hard day, they were stiff and sore.  Many of the Chinese rubbed an unguent on their joints that seemed to reduce pain, and aid flexibility.  They told inquiring whites that it was Chinese snake oil.  Much later investigation revealed that the “snakes” were actually aquatic, freshwater eels, whose bodies contained Omega3 fatty acids.

With the white guys sharing it, buying it, and stealing it, the supply eventually disappeared – but not the demand – that remained as hot as ever.  The Chinese caught garter snakes, grass snakes, milk snakes, even rattlesnakes, and rendered them down.  Being land animals the results were not the same, but sometimes at gunpoint, they were forced to supply the now nonexistent magic elixir.  Of course it didn’t work – and another urban myth was born.

To Put It Another Way III

 

Another (hopefully humorous), headshaking report about the havoc that some folks wreak upon the poor English language.  One blogger tried to justify using ‘affect’, instead of ’effect,’ “because I’m a bad speller.”  ‘Neice’ instead of ‘niece’ is bad spelling.  Many of the following examples are the wrong words – the wrong meanings!   Some of them aren’t really words at all.  Hang on, here we go.   😮

Pros

He inhaled the oleo of aromas – Olio, olio – oxen free

The most reknown of all battle cries – It was well-known that the word was renowned.

A beam of light shown from the open door – It’s been shown that it shone.

The Panzer tanks were arranged in a leaguer around the camp – I’ll bet a lager it was a laager.

Coyotes develop an infinity for beer and motorsports – and an affinity for misusage.

With the advent of chemical dies – I would die if I didn’t spell it dyes.

What a thoroughly incite full commentary – full of something – just not insight

Security guard gets paper sprayed – I take that with a grain of salt

Amateurs

Clear ants sale – I’m glad we got rid of them.

Out of hot chocolate.  Sorry for the innocence – But you’re guilty of no hot chocolate.

The pickup had the right awayRight away, look up right of way.

You are stupid and a literate – takes one to know one

I read his a bitch you worried in the paper – I almost died too.

Don’t let the past make you’re dicisions four today – That home-school decision sucks

She ordered chicken sees her salad – and I almost had a seizure, laughing.

He was in otter shock – If he was a cow, he’d be in udder shock.

If you eat peanut butter, you go into intergalactic shock. – I know I’m shocked!

That joke was a Larry us – but not as hilarious as that phrase

Is that toe food? – No, that’s tofu.

I was sick, and coughing up flame – because the cold was dragon on.

I’m an avoid reader – I can see that you avoid reading.

I’ll snatch you ball-headed – If you pull out all my hair, I’ll be bald-headed.

I tolled him about his mistake – did you toll him about yours?

Bicycle for seal – my seal prefers a scooter

Re-Ordering Prejudices

Some people believe that they are thinking, when they are really just re-ordering their prejudices.

I have to be very careful what I say to my Osteopath.  I don’t want to have to find a new one.  She’s an Evangelical Baptist.  She wasn’t raised as one.  She got it as a wedding present from her second husband.  Like a NEW anything, she’s taking it far too seriously.

At a recent visit, she was bragging about how she was brought up, and that her mother wasn’t biased, bigoted, or prejudiced.  Her best-friend neighbors across the street were a Negro family, she worked with an African woman, and a couple of new families on the block were Indian immigrants, and she got along well with them all.

She once said to her daughter, “People in other countries are just like us.  They get up and go to work or school like us.  We should respect them.”  Okay so far.  Then I mentioned a woman who I’d helped with a rail-travel problem.  I said that she had to go to Toronto to train as a wedding officiant.   👿

Hmmph, Atheist
Secular Humanist
Whatever they want to call themselves now.
They want to call themselves what they are.
If people don’t want to get married in a church, they should just go to a JP.
Perhaps they want a memorable ceremony, but just not a religious ceremony.
What’s wrong with a religious ceremony?
An officiant is often used at mixed-religion marriages.  Perhaps the Catholic doesn’t want to attend a Jewish Synagogue.  Maybe the Muslim doesn’t want to go to an Eastern Orthodox Temple.  Possibly the Moron Mormon doesn’t want to get married in a Christian Science reading room.

Until I identified her as a Secular Humanist, the officiant could have been a cross-carrying Catholic, trying to make a few extra bucks.  The Osteopath didn’t seem to be convinced, or very happy about how the discussion had gone.

The wife piped up to say that she doesn’t argue with me anymore, because My logic, and My Wordsmith abilities, always prove her wrong – like I have access to some special kind of logic that’s not  available to her.  When I prove someone wrong, it’s because they are wrong.  All you have to do to win, is present believable evidence.  In a discussion about any other topic, it may be possible to convince someone that they are mistaken.  Only with religion are the views so iron-bound.

I have carefully not used the term Atheist about any of the family, to her, but I did tell her that the Grandson and his wife used an Officiant (Not this one) at their ceremony in the Historic Mill-House in the park, to accommodate an inclusive array of religious and non-religious guests.
😀

May I Have Another ‘Nother Word?

*

Dr. Seuss – Horton Hears a Who
I meant what I said, and I said what I meant.  An elephant’s faithful linguistically correct – one hundred percent.
Sadly, the same can not be said about these quotes from the cream of the American education system.

Pros

Van’s and Cadillac’s for sale – along with greengrocers’ apostrophes

Martin Luther’s book, 95 Thesis – More problems with plurals

My father had sewn the seeds of curiosity – about why he hadn’t used the word ‘sown.’

A man claiming to be a masseuse – Monsieur claimed to be a masseur.

He gave a clarinet rectal – It’s better than giving the conductor anal.

The lady with the two-towned hair – I get used to this, living in the Kitchener-Waterloo twin cities.

Fit for a pink-slip, and a straightjacket – The band Dire Straits has mailed you a dictionary.

We got the contract.  Joe, “Here, here!” – I hear, hear that’s incorrect.

He was oh for twenty-three – Oh!  He should have been 0 for 23

He wanted to become a chaufer – an American Uber driver.  Anywhere else, he’d be a chauffeur.

Amateurs

The dirty vomit who shot my paw – really should learn to spell varmint.

Standing by the side of the rode – next to his horse, apparently.

To see which one was defected – It’s your spelling that’s defective.

A YouTuber verbally reb-elled against an order – and my ears re-belled at that pronunciation.

We are all I’ll in some way – I’ll say we’re sick, sick, sick.

I entered threw the two big doors – this spelling of through, kinda threw me

Story by Kat and her mews – Unless Kat’s cats helped write, it’s a missing Muse.

His ownly source of knowledge – is definitely not only spell-check.

My father is diseased – and his terminal disease caused him to be deceased.

They certainly look tucked out – They’re tucked in, but tuckered out.

He jumped up and clicked his heals – I’m sorry to hear that his heels are diseased.

Roast beef, with criminalized onions – wasn’t that a tasty dish to set before the king?

Atheists are disconcerning the evidence for God – and I’m discerning incorrect usage

The wood (from noas arc) was all saugy –– so, soggy wood causes spelling mistakes??

The arguments are all so wrote, and repeated – when I wrote it, it was rote.

Heedless to say, the asparagus was rotten – needless to say, you were wrong.

I find many of his ire – even though ilk is the right word

It was a right of passage to adulthood – Even in the hood, rite is right.

She committed some traffic on fractions – she was only ¼ wrong.

Much-aligned is the common flea – and much-maligned by dog owners who speak English.

Brilliant argument stunts debater – That claim stuns me.