Stolen One-Liners

 

I have kleptomania….
….When it gets bad, I take something for it.

I gotta teach my facial expressions….
….how to use their indoor voice.

After over 50 years of marriage, the wife and I still find things to talk about….
….just not to each other, obviously.

I have an aviation joke….
….but it would probably go over your head.

Four out of three people….
….struggle with math.

It’s all shits and giggles….
….till someone giggles and shits.

Black cats don’t cause bad luck….
….Your life was already shit.

I used to think drinking was bad for me….
….so I gave up – thinking.

Dear Santa, before I explain….
….how much do you know already??

Due to a recent coin shortage….
….no-one is allowed to put in their two cents worth.

The less people know….
….the longer the explanation.

Many people stop looking for work….
….when they find a job.

If you think that marriage is 50/50….
….you don’t know the half of it.

Weed, beer, and whiskey are all made from plants….
….I think I might be a vegetarian.

Knock, knock.  Who’s there?….
….Doorbell repairman.

If people make you sick….
….maybe you should cook them longer.

I’ve taken up pottery in retirement….
….Just kiln time.

The “Earth” without “Art”….
….is just “Eh.”

Do electricians listen to AC/DC….
….or something more current?

Fibbing Friday #307

Mish-mash from Pensitivity101 last week, so your suggestions please!

1. What is a cannery?

A little, yellow, cartoon bird named Tweety, who t’ouht he taw a puddy tat.

2. What is a rookery?

Any online scam, where you have to prepay with iTunes gift cards

3. What is hooky?

Any person – especially a teenager – who gets a five-finger discount, by walking out of a store without paying for merchandise.

4. What is pinochle?

The non-brand-name, generic version of Nutella.™ ©

5. What is a ricochet?

An Irishman with vertigo/balance problems.

6. What is hubbub?

It’s a big yellow clamp that the traffic warden attaches to your wheel, if you park illegally.

7. What is a podcast?

See ‘Wingnut,’ below.

8. What is a wingnut?

A maple key/seed.  With climate change, we may soon have winds so strong that Abu Dhabi will have a maple syrup industry.

9. What is a switchback?

A knife with a spring-loaded blade that pops out when you push a button.  Get the point??

10. What is a cacophony?

A nonet.  A small musical group of nine people, including a vibraphone and spoons.

Fibbing Friday #299

Last week, Pensitivity101 wanted us to have some fun with these, and not worry if you think your answers are old and tired!

1. What’s the difference between a bow and a curtsey?

A bow is that thing that looks like a set of McDonald’s arches that Cupid carries on Valentine’s Day.  A curtsey is holding a door for someone.  They don’t even look the same.  Have you been smokin’ that shit again??  I thought you were banned from the dispensary, after the last incident!  Skunkweed??  What skunkweed?

2. What’s the difference between a bison and a basin?

ERROR 404
No Inspiration Found

When a young, male, American buffalo leaves home to go to Uni, his father just says BISON, and hopes that he doesn’t end up playing Dixieland Jazz in a cheap bar on BASIN Street, in New Orleans.

3. What’s the difference between a pocket and a pouch?

Someone might pick your pocket, but Joey says that if they can pick your pouch, they’re standing entirely too close.

4. How do you poach an egg?

Climb over the fence after dark, and sneak into the henhouse.

5. What is smog?

Isn’t he the dragon with the bad-breath problem, from Lord of the Rings – lives in an east-end London borough named Desolation??!

6. What is triage?

That’s when you convince your girlfriend to bring along her younger sister for some horizontal tango lessons.

7. What is a tripod?

A milking stool’s grandfather

8. How many legs does an octogenarian have?

They are a special breed of Scottish cows, developed to graze on the sides of steep hills.  They have the usual two legs on the uphill side, but three on the downhill side, so they don’t fall off.  There are left-hand, and right-hand, versions.  If two of them meet, going in opposite directions, they can’t get out of each other’s way, and starve to death.

9. What is a buzz cut?

That’s when the juicy gossip in the break room comes to a sudden stop, and the hardly workers try to remember where their work station is, when the boss saunters through.

10. What’s the difference between a baggie and a bagel?

After you smoke what’s in the baggie, you might want to eat a bagel, and/or a pizza, and/or some Doritos….

Give ‘Em Liberty Or Give ‘Em Hale

For a country founded on freedom, a disturbing number of Americans are now willing – anxious – to give it up, especially if it is someone else’s.  Far too many police officers don’t want to enforce the law.  They want peace and quiet…. and control.

One of America’s best First Amendment Auditors invited his friend, a fellow military veteran, to set his cell phone on ‘record,’ and join him for an audit.  They went to a nearby DEA building, parked in the rear “Public” parking lot, climbed out of the car, unlimbered their lenses, and began walking toward the building.

They hadn’t got 50 feet before a large, strong, young, Junior G-Man spilled out of his Jeep, rapidly strode toward them and, without saying a word – without asking a question – without giving a command, he shot his right hand forward, like a punch, grabbed the friend’s cell phone, driving it into his nose and forehead and causing pain and a slight injury, snatched it from his hands and walked away with it.  That is aggravated assault, common battery, and theft of property

Local police were called.  One officer went to get the cop’s story, another came to speak to the injured auditor.  This was not to be a sympathetic victim interview.  It was an arrogant, antagonistic, blame-the-victim, cover the cops’ asses,’ assault.  That was clear from the first question.
Why did you come here this morning to record this building?
Did you say anything to the officer?
Did you stick your camera in his face?
Were you blocking the sidewalk?

In reverse order, the answers were:
We were not blocking any walkway.  A polite ‘Excuse me.’ would have caused us to move out of the way.
The injury clearly shows that it was my face that the camera was in.
His rapid, immediate attack gave no time to say anything.

The answers to the first question were;
Because I can
Because I want to
Because it’s perfectly legal to do so
Because it’s a hobby
Because it’s a source of taxable income
Because it’s educational
It’s none of your damned business and, like the other three answers, is not justification for assault and theft.
Because it’s a constitutionally protected activity – and –
Because, in 2018, the Department of Homeland Security issued a memo which all public officials are supposed to read and heed.  It plainly states that, with the exception of clearly-marked security areas, the public is free to record all government property, real estate and equipment, as well as all government officials in the course of their duties.  Simply recording cannot be made into a crime.

The bias in the first question shows in its improper construction.  They did not go there that morning TO RECORD THE DEA BUILDING.  They went there to observe and record and disseminate the actions and reactions of supposedly knowledgeable and trained police personnel, to an uncommon, but unthreatening and legal occurrence.  The results were distressing!

Medical Humor

I’m not too keen on taking pills.  When my doctor prescribed some medication for high blood pressure, I asked if there were any side-effects.
He said, “Yes, longevity.”

***

I’m pretty sure my body is not a temple.  It’s a haunted house.  It’s slowly falling apart.  It makes strange noises, and it’s inhabited by the spirit of an old guy who’s always mad at something.

My wife says I’m unsophisticated and uncultured so; to prove her wrong, guess where I’m taking her.
Hint: It starts with B, and rhymes with “wallet.”

***

In one of my blog posts, my computer’s Auto-Correct changed ‘Joseph of Arimathea’ into “Joseph of Aroma Therapy!”

***

My daughter volunteered as an assistant monitor for the Great-grandson’s first swimming trip.  When her child’s towel went missing, an irate mother demanded, “What kind of juvenile delinquents are in class with my child?”
The daughter replied, “I’m sure it was taken accidently.  What did it look like?”
“It’s white,” said the parent, “and it says Holiday Inn on it.”

***

Dieter, and his grandfather Peter, were sitting on the side of a mountain in Bavaria.  Grampa Peter said, look down there at our village.  I helped build most of those houses, but do they call me Peter the house- builder?  NO!  Look at the church.  I climbed up and finished the spire, but do they call me Peter the church-builder?  NO!  See the stone wall where the road runs near the river.  I dug out and mortared most of those stones myself.  Do they call me Peter the wall-builder?  NO!  ….but I fuck one pig!!?

***

I just had another colonoscopy.  I asked the doctor to write me a note for my wife, stating that my head wasn’t up there.

***

WebMD is updating its server because of a virus.  Well, they think it was a virus, but it could also be malaria, kidney failure, a heart murmur, gallstones, or even appendicitis.

***

Off-Color One-Liners

When you dream in color….
….it’s a pigment of your imagination.

My resolution was to read more….
….so I enabled the closed-captioning on the TV.

The prototype for the colander had holes that were too big….
….It was a mass-sieve failure.

If you haven’t heard about the movie, Constipation
….it’s because it hasn’t come out yet.

I’m so grumpy….
….I’m not even talking to myself today.

Kangaroo steak is delicious….
….but it makes me jumpy.

A King’s fart is….
….a noble gas that causes no reaction.

KETO diet be damned!  There are no salad bars depicted….
….in any cave drawings.

What’s the difference between a hippo, and a Zippo?….
….One is super heavy.  The other is a little lighter.

What are 1000 angry lesbians with guns?….
….Militia Etheridge.

What do you call a group of British gays, standing on line?….
….An LGBT queue.

I took a picture of a field of wheat….
….It was pretty grainy.

A man has been stealing wheels off Police vehicles….
….They are working tirelessly to find him.

I’m not really good at giving advice….
….Could I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

You call it eating five boxes of Girl Scout cookies alone….
….I call it supporting young female entrepreneurs.

I recently heard a music group called Duvet….
… They’re a cover band.

I just did a reality check….
….Holy shit!!  Would not recommend.

It’s raining nickels and dimes….
….Climate change.

I make mistakes….
….I’m the second to admit it.

The highest form of flattery….
….is a plateau.

When I say, “Enjoy them while they’re young.”….
….I’m talking about your hips and knees, not your kids.

King Wenceslas Unmasked

BAD KING WENCESLAS
Or:
Christians lie to themselves and others, to feel good.

Truth be told – and I occasionally do – Wenceslas wasn’t really too bad.  He was, perhaps, the least worst of a bad lot.  It’s just that every Christmas, the Christians drag him out to sing about.  They claim that the song represents how their love of God, and His love of them, makes them all kind and generous.  Let’s look at the facts though, shall we??

Using the Might Is Right justification, King Wendy and his retinue have taxed the song’s peasant, and thousands of others, into poverty and starvation.  While they are warm and well-fed, safe and secure in the castle, this poor slob is trudging through snowdrifts, desperately trying to find a few windfall branches to burn, to keep him and his family, and probably some livestock, from freezing to death.  While he starves, they are having a feast – The Feast of Stephen.

Even when the song has the “Good King” and his squire drag the poor wretch in, and give him food and firewood, I cynically suspect an ulterior motive.  Soon enough, there will be another religious feast, and someone has to provide that fatted calf, for free taxes.  Stealing everything, and then offering a tiny bit of it back as working capital, does not really fit into the definition of Concern for Others, or Generosity.   😮

Neighborly One-Liners

The only person who listens to both sides of an argument….
….is the next-door neighbor.

Vodka mixes well with everything….
….except decisions.

There are two kinds of people in this world….
….I avoid them.

I’ve opened three birthday cards, and I’m up $150….
….I love being a mailman.

If I’ve learned anything in my 23 years on this Earth….
….It’s okay to lie about your age.

I’m first in line at Paranoids Anonymous….
….Everyone else is after me.

I never run with scissors….
….Those last two words were unnecessary.

I’m really getting older….
….My doctor just referred me to an archeologist.

What this country needs….
….are more unemployed politicians.

By replacing your morning coffee with green tea, you can lose up to 87%….
…. of what little joy in life you still have.

I can’t be held responsible for what….
….my face does when you talk.

A perfectionist walks into a bar, but immediately leaves….
….Apparently, the bar wasn’t set high enough.

Bacon is actually the second reason I’m not a vegan….
….I’m not a moron, being the first.

Last night I dreamed I was an automobile muffler….
….I woke up exhausted.

I’m beginning think that, for some people….
….the wheels on their bus do not go ‘round and ‘round.

When you said “Friends with benefits”….
….I thought you owned a taco truck.

When people bring up my hell-raising past….
….I remind them that Jesus dropped all the charges.

Girls nowadays are like a box of chocolates….
….Some of them have nuts.

Way Ahead On One-Liners

If you’re having second thoughts….
….you’re already two ahead of many people.

I am not a poser….
….I just pretend to be one.

Springing forward really ticks me off….
….I’m losing sleep about it.

At Christmas, I wanted to deck the halls….
….but that wouldn’t be neighborly.

I recently saw an Arabic Elvis impersonator….
….His name was Amal Shookup.

Tried to teach my dog to fetch….
….but he just doesn’t get it.

I went to a pub quiz in a really tough neighborhood….
….The first question was, “What are you looking at?”

I just bought Clue: Swingers Edition….
….Turns out they all did it – in every room.

If there’s one place I can’t stand….
….It’s an ice rink.

I just had an MRI….
….to see if I am claustrophobic.

Me, driving at night….
….I hope this is the road.

Sometimes I talk to myself….
….and then we both laugh and laugh.

Bought a book today titled, “Overcoming Kleptomania.”….
….Well, I say ‘bought.’

My son was on eBay all day….
….If he’s still there tomorrow, I’ll lower the price.

I’ve asked a lot of people what LGBTQ stands for….
….So far no-one has given me a straight answer.

Science reveals that women have cleaner minds than men….
….because they change them every ten minutes.

I’m not going outside….
….until the temperature equals my age.

I hate being bi-polar….
….It’s awesome.

People who eat bacon are….
….less likely to blow themselves up in the name of Allah.

I doubt that vodka is the answer….
….but it’s worth a shot.

My apathy is at an all-time….
….whatever.

One-Track One-Liners

I was going to tell a railroad joke….
….but I lost my train of thought.

If you can’t hear a pin drop….
….there’s something wrong with your bowling.

Everyone is saying that stealing is wrong….
….Personally, I don’t buy it.

When I was young, I felt like a male, trapped in a female body….
….then I was born.

Do gun manuals have….
….a troubleshooting section?

Taco emergency?….
….Call 9 Juan Juan.

I just heard that the government is banning Roman numerals….
….Not on my watch!

My dad always said, “Work till your bank account is a phone number.”….
….After years of hard toil, my balance is $9.11.

I’m not very good….
….at self-deprecation.

Theists keep telling us that Jesus is coming back….
….but he wasn’t nailed to a boomerang.

Arguing with your wife is unwise….
….Even if you win, you lose.

It’s better to be pissed off….
….than on.

If you don’t know what introspection is….
….you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.

What’s the difference between a good joke….
….and a bad timing?

Shouldn’t cookies….
….be called ‘Bakies’???

What’s the hardest part of being a Vegan?….
….Apparently, keeping it to yourself

Dim light bulbs, or bright light bulbs….
….Watts the difference?

I told her my name was Heath.  She said her name was Heather….
….I said,  ”This isn’t a contest.”

Bacon is 73% fat, and very salty….
….Me too, bacon!  Me too!

What kind of lights were on Noah’s Ark?….
….Floodlights.

“Your resume says that you take things too literally.”….
….”When the Hell did my resume learn to talk?”