Tag Archives: reality

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Off-Color One-Liners

When you dream in color….
….it’s a pigment of your imagination.

My resolution was to read more….
….so I enabled the closed-captioning on the TV.

The prototype for the colander had holes that were too big….
….It was a mass-sieve failure.

If you haven’t heard about the movie, Constipation…
….it’s because it hasn’t come out yet.

I’m so grumpy….
….I’m not even talking to myself today.

Kangaroo steak is delicious….
….but it makes me jumpy.

A King’s fart is….
….a noble gas that causes no reaction.

KETO diet be damned!  There are no salad bars depicted….
….in any cave drawings.

What’s the difference between a hippo, and a Zippo?….
….One is super heavy.  The other is a little lighter.

What are 1000 angry lesbians with guns?….
….Militia Etheridge.

What do you call a group of British gays, standing on line?….
….An LGBT queue.

I took a picture of a field of wheat….
….It was pretty grainy.

A man has been stealing wheels off Police vehicles….
….They are working tirelessly to find him.

I’m not really good at giving advice….
….Could I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

You call it eating five boxes of Girl Scout cookies alone….
….I call it supporting young female entrepreneurs.

I recently heard a music group called Duvet….
… They’re a cover band.

I just did a reality check….
….Holy shit!!  Would not recommend.

It’s raining nickels and dimes….
….Climate change.

I make mistakes….
….I’m the second to admit it.

The highest form of flattery….
….is a plateau.

When I say, “Enjoy them while they’re young.”….
….I’m talking about your hips and knees, not your kids.

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What Is Reality?

Many people, from just folks, to philosophers, want to know what “Reality” is.  The search for reality is a commendable project, but ultimately an unachievable goal.

In debates between Theists and Atheists, the Theists often ask, “What is truth?” as if their unsupported belief in the existence of a deity is somehow valid.  Truth is that which most closely comports to reality.  Aha, but there’s the rub.  What is reality??!  In this situation, reality is what doesn’t go away when you stop believing

Since we don’t have an external definition or description of ‘Reality,’ we wouldn’t know it if it jumped up and bit us in the face.  There is absolutely no way to know that we’re not living in a ‘Matrix,’ or that we are not merely figments of someone’s – or some Thing’s – imagination, or that the Universe was not created this morning, complete with our memories and history.  Occam’s razor forces me to act as if none of these are true.

Many Christian Apologists claim that Atheists deny God, and anything supernatural.  I can’t speak for all Atheists – which is more (or less) than many Theist debaters – who claim to speak for all Christians, and tell Atheists what they think and believe.  I don’t deny the existence of the supernatural, I’m just too damned busy dealing with what actually impinges on my reality, to have time to insert a slice of maybe, possibly, perhaps, if, or could be.

Apologists become so committed to the idea of the existence of their “God,” that they unthinkingly believe the wrong things, and ask the wrong questions.  I recently heard one such, demand of an Atheist debater – not once, but three times – “If God didn’t create the Universe, then WHO did?”

Why does it have to be a WHO??!  Why can’t it be a WHAT?  Just because they can’t think of any other possibility, why can’t it simply be a localized overpressure bubbling in the Quantum Fluctuation field.  That can bring up “Eternity,” and WHO/What created that.  Why couldn’t it simply be the equivalent of a cosmic vending machine, occasionally spitting out random Universes??

Even worse, for the strait-laced, blue-nosed fun-shunners, why couldn’t it be the equivalent of a cosmic slot machine??!  We may all just be the result of three Heavenly lemons, or Douglas Adams’ “Big Sneeze,” waiting for the return of The Great Tissue.  We may be the Gay Universe, shunned by the rest of the Multiverse.  😮

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Wisdom In Humor

DILBERT’S WORDS OF WISDOM

I can only please one person a day.  Today is not your day.  Tomorrow isn’t lookin good, either.

I love deadlines.  I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Some day, we’ll look back on all this, and plow into a parked car.

There are very few personal problems that can’t be solved by the application of high explosives.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

Accept that, some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute.  If they aren’t there the first time you need them, there’s a good chance that you will never need them again.

I don’t have an attitude problem.  You have a perception problem.

Last night I lay in bed, looking up at the stars in the sky, and I asked myself, “Where is my ceiling?”

My Reality Check bounced.

On the keyboard of Life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.

I don’t suffer from stress.  I’m a carrier.

You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

Do not meddle in the affairs of Dragons.  To them, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

Never argue with an idiot.  They drag you down to their level.

Am I getting smart with you?  How would you know?

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Corporate America’s Recreational Activities

A two-year study by the National Science Foundation has reveals the following results

The sport of choice for unemployed or jailed people is BASKETBALL.
The sport of choice for maintenance workers is BOWLING.
The sport of choice for line-workers is FOOTBALL.
The sport of choice for Supervisors is BASEBALL.
The sport of choice for Middle Management is TENNIS
And finally, the sport of choice for Upper Management is GOLF.

CONCLUSION: The higher up you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls.

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Took my son out for his first pint.

Got him a Fosters, he didn’t like it – I had it, so I got him Carlsberg instead, he didn’t like that, so I had it.

It was the same with Guinness and cider…

By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push his stroller…

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Two nuns are riding their bicycles around the streets of Rome.  One nun looks around and says, You know. I’ve never come this way before.  The other nun says, Must be the cobblestones.

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My wife asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose.
Apparently I was only supposed to pick one name, not two.

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I only wanted to be an adult to have sex and swear.  All this getting up to go to work and paying bills wasn’t in the plan.

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Rosy Retrospective Fibbing Friday

Once upon a time, Pensitivity101’s theme was They don’t make them like that anymore.
You might be familiar with them, and her apologies for being biased towards the UK. but if you didn’t know what these were, what are your thoughts?

1.Mini Clubman

The first time my girlfriend saw me naked, she said, “Who are you going to satisfy with that??”  I replied, “Me!”  As David Niven once said, I’m not afraid to show my shortcomings.  Caution!  Objects in your imagination may be smaller in reality.

2.   Morris Minor

This is a constellation near Ursa Major, and Ursa Minor, but it’s not a bear.  It’s a hedgehog.

3.   Range Rover

That was “The Duke” John Wayne.  He has been replaced by Patrick Stewart.  Somehow, Pilgrim, it just ain’t the same.

4.   Hillman Imp

He’s the wee fellow who lives across the way.  Not a bad lad – not evil – but our neighbourhood’s version of Dennis the Menace – always into something – spraying the neighbour’s cat with a garden hose, if it climbs over the fence – making a battle-flag for his two-wheeler from his Dad’s golf club and his mom’s underwear.  How I envy him his freedom and fun.

5.   Datsun Violet

Nissan wanted to produce and market a low-priced car.  Soon they had plants, and equipment, and employees, and suppliers, and dealers ready.  What they didn’t have, was an advertising and promotion package, because the sales staff could not come up with a name that was agreed on.  With the deadline looming, a female marketing exec, whose Japanese name meant “Violet,” called a counterpart at Volkswagen for inspiration.  Und, how zoon do you need a name?  She answered, “By next Monday.”  Ach!  Datsun, Violet??

6.   Triumph Herald

Once upon a time, there was an Angel who could not sing in public.  God sent him to Heavenly counselling, to cure his shyness.  Now, Hark, the Herald Angel sings.  It is a triumph.

7.   Austin Cambridge

He was the 7th actor to portray Dr. Who.  He had a fantastic vehicle.  It got 1000 light-years to the gallon.

8.   Ford Capri

Capri pants are items of women’s wear that don’t reach the shoes – or even the ankles – by THAT much.  So, a Ford Capri is a vehicle that fails to be a real car – by just THAT much.

9.   Alfa Romeo

He’s “The Quicker Picker-Upper” down at the dance club.

10. Talbot Horizon

That’s the imaginary vista of freedoms that the Woke Brigade feels they should have – as long as it’s at someone else’s expense.  Today’s newspaper headlines – page one
Activist claims lowered speed limits in residential areas mean nothing without enforcement – page two
Police lay six speeding charges in school zone in one hour
wah, wah, gimme, gimme, I want, I want!  Don’t bother me with facts.  I’m busy being outraged.

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Come Sit For A Spell

W-E-T-H-I-R

That’s the worst spell of weather we’ve had in a while.

I recently read that someone, with the best of intentions, suggested that English language words should be standardized by using phonetic fonetic spelling.  Get rid of the letter C.  Use either S, or K.  Get rid of the Greek ‘ph.’  Use only the letter F.

This idea arises from time to time – usually when some new-generation Gung-Ho fails to do the research that the last generation did, believes that he has had an original idea, and runs smack-dab into the reality that is the hybrid English lingua franca.

This would be a worthy project, helping native English users, as well as many confused immigrants, learning ESL.  The biggest problem is that there are so many words in the English language.  It means that there are dozens – HUNDREDS – of pairs, or groups, of words which have different spellings, different meanings, yet the same fonetic pronunciation.

What would fonetic spelling proponents do with lists of words like:
sight – site – cite
isle – aisle – I’ll
sees – seas – seize
I – eye – aye
meat – meet – mete
heel – heal – he’ll
wheel – weal – we’ll
peek – peak – pique
great – grate
break – brake
air – err – heir – ere – e’er – Ayr – Ayer ??!

One size spelling definitely does not fit all!  How would any reader know which meaning to assign, without the varied spellings??  Suggestions have been made to slowly phase faze (oops, there’s another) the project in, with certain groups of words being changed, while others retain their Indigenous status until next time.  Potential Bedlam!!

In September, 1967, after 268 years of driving on the wrong left side of the road, like the British and Japanese, the Swedes changed over to the right.  The General Manager of the Swedish-owned plant where I worked, once told us the story as an object lesson.  He claimed that the Government worried that the transformation would not go smoothly, so, on the first day, only trucks and commercial vehicles had to use the other side.  Cars and motorcycles and such could wait till the second day.

If you’re gonna do it – DO IT!  Rip off the bandage!  It will only hurt once.  But in this case, I don’t think that it could ever be done faster than the normal evolution of the language.  What about you??  IMHO, LOL, NSFW, YOLO, TTFN, BRB, G.O.D.  🙄

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God Is A Failure

I just hope that God opens his eyes.

Pray that God will open whose eyes?? Kenneth Copeland’s??
He’s a famous, intensely popular, televangelist with a mega-church, and tens of thousands of followers and adherents. Are you implying that there are some people who preach the Bible, teach Christianity, and offer salvation, who are mistaken or lying??!  👿

We all know there is. Most of mainstream Christianity is nothing more than a bunch of well-seasoned snake oil salesmen, who trick poor needy people into financing their lifestyles. These hypocrites end up making it hard on others whose heart is truly desiring to help mankind. Thanks for stopping by.

Thank you for confirming what we all knew.  The next time some Good Christian Apologist demands to know why I don’t believe in God, I will mention your name, and present this argument.  If only there were a reliable way to tell the real from the fake, without having to rely on your fine-tuned intuition.

I am sure that Copeland did not mean it, the way it appears in the above image.  He was responding to non-believers’ arguments that his God clearly appears to be a loser, with the rather circular argument that God could not be a loser, unless He admits that He is a loser.  If He were real, He wouldn’t need the likes of Copeland, or anyone else, to defend, justify, or explain Him.

While Copeland managed to slip God’s name into this little quotation, it sounds more like a self-confidence building quote that a motivational speaker would use, to justify his fee.

Fee, fie, fo, fum.  I smell the blood of another couple of Liars For Christ.

There is no portion of the text in that image which is the truth – except your sadistic delight in believing and spreading it.

Unless of course you believe the Bible is truth. Then you have to decide one way or the other. You either believe in hell and fear it, or you take a gamble with your self-learned knowledge that you have obtained through books from people just like yourself and hope and pray to whomever you pray to, that you’re right. Quite a gamble. What if you’re wrong?

What if you’re wrong, and face Allah, and the Muslim Hell??!  It’s far worse than the Christian one.  😈
I do not believe that the Bible is truth.  It contains some good things, and some true things.  It also contains a disturbing amount of evil things, and false things, as well as many unproven claims.  I do not pray – to, or for anything.  I deal with reality as I experience it.

Humility goes a long way here…let’s see if there’s anyone who might be humble enough to admit that their beliefs are wrong.

It can be difficult – a strain – but I have, I do, and I would – only, not just because you claim they are. Besides humility, it takes honesty.  🙄

Have you read my article on blood clotting? It take overs (sic) 100 different processes to clot blood so the organism doesn’t bleed out. Kinda impossible for evolution to get all that right without millions of years of trial and error eh?

Nice non-sequitur!  Pay no attention to that claim behind the curtain.

What do you think evolution is?? – other than millions of years of trial and error?  And it didn’t start with a large, fully-developed creature like a deer, or a human, who would bleed out with the smallest nick.  It started with microscopic life-forms with no circulation.  They could not grow larger and more complex in the competition for survival, until genetic mutation solved each/all of those 100 processes, sequentially, before moving on.

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Pushmi-Pullyu Fibbing Friday

Here goes Pensitivity101 again.  She’s been looking forward to my answers to these!  She should have been looking backward.

What is a mitre?

It’s a scientific instrument to measure just how far off reality, Flat Earth believers are.  There’s a new, special, two-axis-scanner version, because many of them are also fundagelical Christians.

  1. What is a dumpster?

He’s a sci-fi fan auto driver, who thinks that anything ejected from his vehicle goes into a miniature black hole, and just disappears.  Got a half-inch of ash on your cigarette?  Just flick it out the window, into the eyes of the following motorcyclist.  Done with the fag?  Toss the butt out too, because they all just magically evaporate.  Got a McDonalds bag with a cardboard fries tray, an empty soft-drink glass and a ketchup pouch?  Just dump them on the ground when you arrive, even though there’s a rubbish bin right beside the door of the business where you’re going.  It’s enough to make a person cry.

  1. What is a relic?

He was the comic-relief character in The Beachcombers, which was a Canadian comedy-drama television series that ran on CBC Television from October 1, 1972, to December 12, 1990. With over 350 episodes, it is one of the longest-running dramatic series ever made for English-language Canadian television.

He was a Welsh-Canadian, with a Serbian surname.  He personified the Grumpy Old Dude that I aspired to be.  I watch the occasional rerun now, and think, ‘What a sweet young lad he was.’

4. What is a puffball?

He’s a mid-life crisis who bought a hot-damn, bright red, little sports car that’s so small; he can’t fit his entire ego into it.

5. What is an accolade?

It’s a miniature accordion/squeezebox, like the one that Christie McVie of Fleetwood Mac plays – TUSK!

6. What do the initials O.B.E. stand for?

The inscription on the back of my medal says that it means Old, Bitchy, and Eccentric.

7. What is a hide chew?

That’s what my childhood friend did when I’d made a large error in judgement, and my Mother was on the warpath.
Ah kin hide-chew under mah bed.

8. What is caffoy?

It’s the gigantic urn behind the counter at every Starbucks Coffee Shop.  All the coffee gets brewed and poured into it.  You can order light roast, medium roast, dark roast, Kenyan, Kona – doesn’t matter!  Like four teats on a cow’s udder, no matter which one you pull, you’re gonna get the same stuff.

9. What is an erf?

It was Paris Hilton’s little handbag Chihuahua, when it had a slight sinus infection.  It went on to have two seasons of its own talk show, and a movie deal, probably because it was smarter and more personable than her.

10. What is an umbel?

It is the viscera – the heart, liver, etc. of animals – particularly deer – which is used to make (H)umbel pie, for people who can’t spell

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Gettin’ Physical Fibbing Friday

Pensitivity101 went all geeky on us, and asked some deep, technological questions, to which I have shallow, silly answers, that may have some vague relation to truth and reality.

Physics
What came before the big bang?

A teen-aged, trans-dimensional entity, clumping around the meta-verse in its size 13 sneakers.

What did Galileo drop off the tower of Pisa?

The large pizza that the Uber-Eats delivery guy had to schlep all the way to the top.  While a shame, he didn’t feel that it was that much of a loss, because it had Genoa salami, instead of hot Pisan sausage.

Is a Cartesian bear similar to a polar bear?

It depends on how you observe it.  From the shaded side, it does indeed look much like a Polar bear.  From the sunward side, it more resembles a casserole of lasagna.

What did Newton say when the apple landed on his head?

#$%@&*%#!!!  Oh – after that??!  That does it!  No more Mister Nice Guy!  I’m going to invent calculus to see if I can bend gravity, so that the next one misses me.

Why did Columbus think the world was round?

Because he kept getting calls from India and Pakistan, offering to have the ducts on the Pinta, the Nina, and the Santa Maria cleaned.

What was Heisenberg uncertain about?

The whole LGBTQ2+ thing, and why so many good Christians, instead of worrying about their own sexuality, are so concerned about other people’s.  Eskimos rub noses to express love.  Too many Christians love to stick their nose in where it doesn’t belong.

What was the name of Schrödinger’s cat?

Iffy, until it died…. or did it??   🙄

When a photo finish decides the winner of a race, did they change the outcome by measuring it?

Not really!  It enlarged the noses of both front-running horses by the same amount.

What is the God particle used for?

A source of irony when Christian Apologists try to use it to define their pet deity into existence.

Is the theory of everything all you need to know?

In theory – YES.  But there will always be another irritating, smart-ass know-it-all, ready to bend your ear about some fool topic.  🙄

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Give Us Barabbas

Beneath my What If? What If? What If? post, Barabbas himself became an Apologist For Jesus, and left this extended comment.

Allow me to apologize for my brothers. I believe God gives every person a choice to believe or not. I’m not responsible for your choice and though it saddens me, I must respect your choice. May God meet you where you are and draw you to Himself “with chords of kindness” not clever or manipulative arguments or threats of eternal punishment. Have a wonderful day and again, I apologize for my fellow Christians that may have pushed too hard and far without respecting your freedom. – Barabbas

One:  Do not apologize for others.  It only highlights their misdeeds, mistakes, and contradictions.  It also makes both of you appear weak and needy.  Be honest.  Only apologize for your own errors.

Two:  Do not ever label my disbelief as merely a choice!  Never have I suddenly just chosen to be a petulant, rebellious asshole.  My Atheism is as fundamentally part of my being as my gorgeous brown eyes.  I have been an Atheist longer than you have been alive.  I got that way, not through choices and options, but by observing Reality as it presents itself to me.  The reality is, I see no God/gods.

Three:  A little convincing evidence of the existence of your specific God, and that you are somehow privy to what He/She/It/They will and will not do, would be a lot more useful than your vaguely-expressed wish and hope that someday – somehow – your Reality-impaired pet entity, will finally show up to see me, and validate all your unproven assumptions.

There was a reason that saccharine was banned.  Your ‘all sweetness and light and love and kindness’ delivery is, perhaps, a little less grating than those Apologists who promise me Hell and eternal damnation if I don’t agree with them.  At least they have the courage of their convictions, and are not afraid to express them.  Yours is cloying, and sickly sweet.  I feel religious diabetes developing.

Four:  Are you in the church choir, or should the line read, “with cords of kindness”?  You promised me no tricks or threats, but that sounds suspiciously like church BDSM – a little God bondage.  😳

Five:  You must lead a sheltered life, if you think that Mr. Torpedo-Victim did more than ruffle my hair.  I have engaged with Bible-thumpers who would have him for breakfast.  I feared none of them on a philosophy and logic basis.  The only reason I have hung back from some, is the modern, technological concern about flaming, hacking and doxxing.  Some of those good, loving, Christians quickly forget that ‘turn the other cheek’ command, when their beliefs are refuted.

Online Christian debaters give me as much freedom as I give them.  I allow them every opportunity to make foolish, irrational claims, and they let me point out the errors in their arguments, and make fun of their presentations.  See, everybody has fun.  👿

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What If??  What If?? What If??

Oh goody!  We’re going to play a game of What If.  I have not been amused or entertained by one of those for years.

Let’s say you were in a naval battle in the middle of the ocean and your ship was destroyed so you are in very cold water. You know that you need to act now to get on a ship or you will die. Now there are 4 ships that you can swim to. But it looks like all the ships are very badly damaged and unlikely to be seaworthy enough to save you. It’s hard to tell from your position but as best you can tell one ship has a 5% chance but the others have less than a 2% chance of being seaworthy enough to save you. 

What do you do? Do you think well no one has “proven” or “verified” that any of these ships will save me so I might as well die in the water? Or do you start swimming to the ship that gives you a five percent chance (the best shot)? I think that is the obvious choice. You are not in a position to demand “proofs” or “verification.” You just have to make do with the information you have. 

I think this is analogous to the situation we are in when it comes to how we should live. We can’t pause our life until someone can prove how we are supposed to live. We choose to act or not act all the time. And we can’t insist on verification or proof beyond what we have. We just have to take our best shot. 

For me I think following Christ’s teachings is the “best shot.” I may wish I had better evidence or proofs but reality does not bend to my wishes. The rational person bends his beliefs and actions to reality.

People often believe that they are thinking, when all they’re really doing is rearranging their prejudices.  So, you’re going to dream up a scenario that is so outlandish and restrictive, that it makes your already-decided-on choice look good barely acceptable.

I am disturbed that you would advocate a selection with a 95% chance of failure, but, as you inferred, It’s (barely) better than nothing.  Desperation is not considered a good method of choice.  It usually results in wrong decisions.  Even choice is a bad method.  You can attend a Christian church, and repeat all the magic words, but it won’t produce the honest, true-hearted Belief that the unwritten rules call for.

I’d like to ask what mechanism you used to determine what percentage of success your choice, both in real life and in your specious analogy, had.  I see none, other than desperation and gullibility – only an unproven claim.

Unlike your fantasy-novel format, in real life it is both possible and advisable to do some research, so that you don’t end up in these religious shipwreck scenarios.

What if that water isn’t as cold and deep as you believe?  What if you were just told that, by the guy who runs the life-preserver franchise?  What if, no matter which ship you swam to, it sank and drowned you?  What if the ship you chose was an enemy vessel, and the agents of Allah tortured you to death?  What if you stopped panicking, and used your strength and determination to swim toward the big orange rubber raft that the rescue helicopter just dropped, labelled Reason/Reality?  What if you’re not Captain James T. Kirk, and there just is no right answer?

What if you summarily dismiss all of my What Ifs, because you think that they sound almost as silly as your What Ifs??!