Tag Archives: magic

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What’s In A Name?

A young Catholic couple took their new-born daughter to church to have the priest baptize and officially name her, after Mass.  When the time came to perform the deed, the Father asked the father, (because he owns her, doesn’t he?) “What shall I name this child?”  The husband replied, “Spindonna.”  The priest thought that was a sort of New-Agey name, but kinda cute.  He held the baby aloft, and in a loud and solemn voice, declared, “In the eyes of God, our Father, I name this child Spindonna.”

The mother immediately dissolved into tears, weeping and sobbing.  Totally confused, he asked her husband what was wrong.  Apparently, the child was to have been named Margaret.  To assure that, and to guarantee no mistakes or misunderstandings, she had used a black Magic Marker, and carefully printed the name MARGARET on a small piece of note-paper, which waS PINNED ON HER.

Now the priest had to move his hands and tongue in the opposite direction, un-cast the magic spell like it was real, and actually meant something, tell God that the kid wasn’t really called Spindonna, and start all over again.  I have a name for this – several actually!  Let’s start with superstitious nonsense.

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Juju Comedy

In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a South African bush outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches, etc.) which protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, “You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he’s my right-hand man and is really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless.”

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a hunchback, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.

“Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself.”
“Well, sir, I played cricket for England, graduated with honours from Sandhurst, won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.
I’ve represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight boxing division of the Olympics.
I served with the Bengal Lancers in the siege of Cawnpore as First Secretary to Colonel Smythe–Carruthers, Brigade Commander. I have researched the history of . . .”

At that point, the colonel interrupted.
“Yes, yes, never mind all that, Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the Witch Doctor to sod off.”

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I went to a doctor’s appointment.  She asked me how old I was.
I said, “In a month, I’ll be 81.”
She said, “I admire your optimism.”

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I guess I need to brush up on my geography.  I purchased a new TV and the box was marked “Built In Antenna.” I am embarrassed to say that I have no idea where Antenna is.

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A scientist, a skeptic, and an Atheist walk into a bar….
….She orders a margarita.

Jesus is the bartender.  He comes over and pours a clear liquid into their glasses, and it changes to a red color, and exudes a delicious aroma.  The scientist says, “I’d like to know the chemical reaction that produced alcohol from plain water.”  The skeptic says, “There was probably Kool-Aid powder in the bottom of the glass.”  The Atheist says, “Why are you guys playing with empty glasses, and where is our server?”

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Did you hear about the cowboy who died with his boots on, because he didn’t want to stub his toe when he kicked the bucket??!

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Lucky To Be Unlucky Fibbing Friday

It was Friday 13th last week, so Pensitivity101’s theme was (loosely) superstition based.
Here are your questions:


1. Who sang “Is This a Kind of Magic?”

A rich Jewish illusionist who called himself David Copperfield

2. Who sang “Somebody’s Watching Me?”

The President of Paranoids Anonymous – but he won’t give his name

3. Why do we blow out birthday candles?

The Big Bad Wolf had his Medicaid cut off, so he’ll be a little late.  We need to huff and puff, and blow out the candles before we burn down the house of straw, and the house of sticks.  When we get to the house of bricks, we’re gonna need an HVAC technician.

4. Why do we associate red and green with Christmas?

It all started when Olaf went to cut down that year’s greenery and the wife saw that he had bled on some of it.  She was gaga for the colour scheme and insisted that all the ladies try it.  Interior decorating wasn’t as big a deal back in the day, but they knew what they liked when they saw it!  Blood went with everything!

5, What do Little Elves supposedly cause?

Mayhem and pandemonium!  One Elf – one shelf – no problem.  Lots of Elves – drunken Christmas party  Who do we call, the cops, or Santa??!

6. Why do some people hold their breath when passing near a cemetery?

To prevent succumbing to the urge to finally tell that gone-but-not-missed relative what you held in for years.
Yeah, crazy Aunt Mary, you can take your latkes and shove them up your……

7. Why is finding a penny considered good luck?

When avaricious businessmen become our avaricious politicians, you’re lucky to find any money.  A penny saved – is a government oversight.

8. Why should we not rock an empty rocking chair?

You might catch the cat’s tail, and have it knock over your beer.

9. Why do people hang Dream Catchers?

They take the phrase “Dream big or go home” literally and decided to try catching the Dreams in the comfort of their own home.  The new wave of armchair warriors now do it from their beds!  I don’t chase my dreams anymore.  I just find out where they’re going, and meet them there later, for beers.

10. Why is flipping a loaf of bread unlucky in France?

Just being in France is unlucky enough.  Lichtenstein might invade, and some of that Surrender Monkey attitude could rub off.  A carelessly flipped loaf of bread might land in a bowl of garlic-flavored snails.

Ahhh… Summer finally arrived in Canada.

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A Picture Of Comedy

The nude model climbed up the ladder
As the painter, Titian, had bade her.
The position, to Titian
Suggested coition,
So he climbed up the ladder and had her.

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My desire to be well-informed, is currently in deep conflict with my need to remain sane.

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I found a magic lamp, and a genie gave me one wish.  I said, “I just want to be happy.”  So now, I’m living with six other guys and working in a mine.

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Beware of holiday scams out there.  I ordered some expensive jewelry for my wife, but instead they sent me a handgun and two boxes of ammo.

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A hillbilly couple with 9 children finally decide to get Bubba a vasectomy.  The doctor is willing to do it, but asks why, after 9 kids.  They explain that they heard that every 10th child in America is Mexican, and they don’t want to take a chance on having a Mexican child, because neither of them can speak Spanish.

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Long ago, when men cursed, and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.  Today, it’s called golf.

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Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business.  She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.  Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned, and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend, or deny the accusation. Instead, he said nothing.

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house, walked home, and left it there all night.

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Finally Fibbing Friday

This was Pensitivity101’s last FF before Christmas, so she was recycling her Panto questions from 18th December 2020.

I’m going to have some fun with these…. I hope

1. Why is a Pantomime thus called?

It is a small wardrobe – not a garderobe – where trousers are hung and stored.

2. Why was the White Rabbit late?

No, no!  It was my girlfriend who was late – and the rabbit died.

3. What happened when Aladdin rubbed the lamp for the first time?

A DIY happy ending

4. How many ugly sisters were there?

Enough to fill every club in Blackpool.

5. What did Jack exchange for the magic beans?

A lot of money, his job, his teeth, his health, and his self-respect

6. Why do they always shout ‘It’s behind you!!?’

Do these yoga pants make my butt look big??!  No, dear.  😮  Gluteus Maximus was not a Roman Emperor.

7. What was the house in the woods made of that Hansel and Gretel found?

Gluten-free gingerbread

8. Who owned The Mirror on the wall?

The god Narcissus, true father to all the Kardashians.

9. What was the name of Dick Whittington’s cat?

DOG!  He even wrote a song about it.

10. Who was Tinkerbell?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

RuPaul’s mentor

 

 

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Christmas Presents Humor

Co-workers are like Christmas lights.  They hang together.  Half of them don’t work, and the other half aren’t very bright.  Some of them are like Slinkies.  They don’t really do anything, but they bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs.

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A blonde drops her dress of at a dry-cleaners.  The clerk says, “Thanks, come again.”  The blonde replies, “No, it’s toothpaste this time.”

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My wife told me to go to the doctor and get some of the pills that would help me get an erection.  You should have seen her face when I dropped a bottle of diet pills in front of her.   BTW: I’m still looking for a place to stay.

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A man goes to a wizard and asks him if he can remove a curse that was put on him years ago.  The wizard says, “I might be able to, if you can remember the exact words.”  The guy responds, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”

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CHINESE SICK LEAVE

Ho Chow calls into work and says, “Hey, I no come work today.  I really sick, got headache, stomach ache, legs hurt. I no come work today.”
The boss says, “You know, Ho Chow, I really need you today.  When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her for sex.  That makes everything better, and I go to work.  You try that”
Two hours later, Ho Chow calls again.  “I do what you say, and I feel great.  I be at work soon.  You got nice house.”

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After an exhausting 18-hour hospital shift, a nurse walks into a bank.  She grabs a deposit slip, and takes a rectal thermometer out of her purse and attempts to write with it.  Realizing her mistake, she says to the flabbergasted teller, “Well, isn’t that just great??!  Some asshole’s got my pen.”

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A timid little man was terrified of flying, and was on a long distance trip.

He was on his first ever flight, and he had the window seat. Besides him sat a giant man, heavily tattooed, and not smelling the cleanest.

After the plane took off, the timid little fellow soon found himself feeling sick. But he didn’t know how to get past the large fellow that sat between him and the way to the bathroom, especially because his neighbour was now fast asleep.

Suddenly it was too late, he couldn’t help himself, and he got sick all over the other man. He frantically tried to wipe up the mess, hoping the giant wouldn’t wake up.

Despite his best efforts, he noticed the man stirring, and his eyes opened. Thinking quickly, the timid little man smiled and said, “Are you feeling better now?”

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’23 A To Z Challenge – N

I recently composed a post where I declared that it would be impossible to simplify and standardize the English language by using phonetic spelling, when there are groups of words like

not, knot, and naught

With well over a million words, it is inevitable that there are whole bunches of similar word-pairs and groups, with identical pronunciation, but different spellings and meanings.  How would phonetic spelling tell them apart??

I was recently made aware of a similar, related problem.  An IT Tech tried to convince me to use a voice-to-text app, to compose my posts.  I began to pay more attention to what I was seeing, and the results were dismaying, if often amusing.

In a video report about an auction of Nazi memorabilia, “Eva Braun’s dress” became have a bronze dress.  Alexa and Siri are only in kindergarten.  I’m going to wait until they and their AI friends graduate from university with an English Major diploma.

Knickerbockers were the predecessors of the magical Mormon underwear, with a Dutch accent.  In an era of Victorian prudery, they covered, with enough fabric to build a small tent.  Over time, both the clothing article and the word shrank in size, until the term, “knickers,” covered clothing articles like bikini briefs, G-strings, and thongs, which cover almost nothing.

For some reason, the British have seized upon this American term with the Dutch foundation, and use it widely.  Show us yer knickers.  But then, these are folks who think that Earl Grey tea has a vintage.

My osteopath owns a horse.  When she tells him about a proposed attempt at imposing phonetic spelling, he

NICKERS

  1. (of a horse) to neigh softly
  2. to laugh quietly; snigger    😀
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Two Kinds Of One-Liners

There are two kinds of people….
….Those who can extrapolate to get extra information.

Logic is a systematic method….
….of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

After all is said and done….
….a Hell of a lot more is said than done.

My Dad was a failed magician….
….I also have two half-sisters.

I think the Origami Society is out of business….
….I heard they folded.

My flight back from Gibraltar to Glasgow has just been canceled….
….Now I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place…

My friend failed his aboriginal music exam….
….I asked him, “Did you redo it?”

Just found out I failed my online German exam….
….Sacre bleu!

What’s a specimen?….
….An Italian astronaut.

And now, a one-liner from seven-year-old Archon
What three vegetables do we take to the bathroom?….
….Lettuce, turnip and pea.
I like to hope that my humour has matured a little in seven decades.

It’s not the rapid pace of life that worries me….
….It’s the sudden stop at the end.

I just visited a diabetes-awareness site, and it asked me if I accept cookies….
….Is that a trick question?

You can train a cat to do anything….
….that it wants to do.

You can tell that Monopoly is an old game….
….There’s a luxury tax, and the rich can go to jail.

Did you hear about the guy who lost his hearing aids?….
….WHAT???

The bartender told me that they were about to begin happy hour….
….so he asked me to leave.

A limbo champion walked into a bar….
….and was disqualified.

I feel very strongly about graffiti in toilet cubicles….
….so I signed a partition.

A man reading a thesaurus….
….saunters into a tavern.

They say that being a hostage is hard and mentally draining….
….I could do it with my hands tied behind my back.

What’s the difference between a Scotsman and a canoe?….
….A canoe tips.

My friend was killed by a falling piano….
….It was a low-key funeral.

At an interview once, I got asked to describe my life in a nutshell….
….I said, “It’s cramped and dark in here”.

I used to live paycheck to paycheck, but with hard work and perseverance….
….I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

ILLITERATE!??….
….Write for free help, 232 Main St.

The first rule of the Micromanagement Club….
….is right at the top of the first page in this three-ring binder.

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Tell Me If You’ve Heard This One – Ate

And the Word came to me from above – and from below, and from all sides – for the Word was ubiquitous.

Concoct – to prepare or make by combining ingredients, especially in cookery
to devise; make up; contrive; make up
The disturbance and interruption in the interrogation gave the suspect time to concoct an alibi.

Cruciverbalist – a designer, or aficionado of crossword puzzles
A word which describes me to a T, or a tee, or a tea
Even the most skilled cruciverbalist has trouble with the New York Times Sunday Crossword.

Ecocatastrophe – A disaster caused by changes in the environment
Polluting the water, and harming its wildlife, the Gulf oil spill was an ecocatastrophe.

Hippogriff – A fabulous creature resembling a griffin, but having the body and hind parts of a horse
A hippogriff named Bucklebeak features prominently in the Harry Potter series.

Mishpocha – Yiddish; An entire family network comprising relatives by blood and by marriage, and sometimes including close friends; clan
She invited the whole mishpocha to the Seder.

Mukluks – Soft boots worn by the Inuit, often lined with fur and usually made of sealskin or reindeer skin.
Her furry mukluks kept her feet warm during the winter.

Odious – deserving or causing hatred; hateful; detestable.
highly offensive; repugnant; disgusting.
The captured prisoners were given a particularly odious task.

Primogenitor – A first parent or earliest ancestor
A forefather or ancestor
Typewriters are the primogenitors of today’s computers.

Pestiferous – Bringing or bearing disease – pestilential – pernicious; evil
Informal; Mischievous, troublesome or annoying
Carrying salmonella and other diseases, houseflies can be pestiferous guests in your home.

Propine – (verb) To offer as a present
She was shopping for a housewarming gift; something perfect to propine to her new neighbors.

Pulchritudinous – Physically beautiful; comely
She looked pulchritudinous in her elegant ball gown.

Taradiddle – A small lie; a fib; pretentious nonsense
To avoid spoiling the birthday surprise, the mother told her young son a taradiddle.

Tiglon – The offspring of a male tiger and a female lion
Zoo staff were surprised and delighted when the mixed-race feline couple conceived a rare tiglon.
Personally, I’ve never encountered this word.  I’ve only heard of Liger, which, to me, seems to make more sense.

Watershed – An important point of division or transition between two phases, conditions, etc.
The Montgomery bus boycott was a watershed moment in the Civil Rights Movement.

Word is, it’s time for me to move on again.  Just follow the trail of bread cookie crumbs to my next post.

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Questioning Christian

He’s only been on WordPress for a month.  His blog-site is definitely Christian, and he has found a bunch that definitely aren’t, so he came up with Five Questions For Non-Believers – how original.  Actually, it was Five Questions for…. You Know.  Wouldn’t say Shit if he had a mouthful, and apparently can’t even type the word Atheist.

1.  Would you say you are Convinced that God or gods do not exist, or simply that you don’t Believe that they do? (Two very different statements. The first applies to Knowledge, the second only to Belief)

1. Yes, to both. I have never been presented with sufficiently convincing evidence to cause belief. I am convinced that God/gods does not exist, in the same way, and to the same degree that I am convinced that fairies, genies, Bigfoot, unicorns and the Loch Ness monster do not exist.  I can not offer Absolute Proof, because a negative cannot be proved, and there is no Absolute proof of anything.

I  usually refrain from admitting that, because some smart-ass Apologist will spin it, use it as a wedge, and claim that I actually know that God exists, and have a little bit of belief.  No, I don’t!!

2. We’re you ever at one time in your life a Believer in God or Gods, and if so… which one or ones? (Mind you, I’m not asking at this time why you left, just did you previously Believe)

2.(Were – not We’re) No! Even 6 and 7 years old in Sunday school, and later in church, I heard pretty stories, but the ones that began, In the beginning sounded just like the ones that started, “Once upon a time.” It wasn’t till I became an adult that I was surprised to find that most others took them seriously.

3. Have you ever had any Experiences that might be described as “spiritual” or “supernatural” that others might see as “experiences with God”? And if so, what did you think of them at the time… and what do you think of them Now? (I apologize for the “3 in 1”. They seem linked to the same question, yes?)

3. No. In a naturalistic universe, I don’t even know how anyone could demonstrate or prove anything Supernatural. Spiritual is a word with too many definitions, and no real meaning.  Most such experiences can be shown to be neurological, or hormonally induced.  Even those that can’t are not justified in having “God” shoehorned in as an explanation.

4. How do you view those who do Believe in God or gods? Are they ‘brainwashed’, ‘stupid’ or just wrong? (I know the first two are ‘loaded’, but I’m looking for your mindset as well as what you perceive ours to be)

4. The more rabid the believer, the more likely they are ruled by desperation and egotism – the belief that they are so important in the cosmic scheme of things that they will not just wink out when it’s all over. It’s the constant fear of inevitable, inescapable, impending death.

“Brainwashed” is a loaded term, but Sunday schools do a great job of constant mental conditioning of impressionable children.  Very intelligent people believe many incorrect, unprovable things – and not all of it is religion.  It is far easier to convince someone of something, than it is to convince them that they are in error about it.  I don’t regard them as “wrong,” but, despite many requests, I still have not been shown proof that they are right.

5. What Evidence or Experience or Arguments would lead you to believe in God or gods generally… or Christianity specifically… if any? (Mind you, I’m not asking “Why you don’t believe”. I’m asking what would lead you to Believe)

5. The correct answer is, “I don’t know.” Arthur C. Clarke said, “Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.” The Christian God – the God of the Bible – suffers from so many definitional contradictions as to be impossible.  Were He to exist, He would be an immoral asshole.  Richard Dawkins had 14 rather scathing adjectives for Him.  If He exists, He knows exactly what it would take to convince me that He exists.  Since He has failed to present such evidence for over 2000 years, either He does not exist – or – He is far less concerned with my acceptance of your claims than people like you are.  😯