Tag Archives: Yoga

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Humor At The Movies

I thought that I liked seeing movies.  Turns out, I just like eating candy in a dark room where no-one is allowed to talk to me.

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Not to brag, but I’m the reason that the yoga teacher stopped saying, “There’s no such thing as a stupid question.”

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Me, before coffee: Ugh, why is everybody yelling?
Me, after coffee: Okay!  Yes, I do see the fire now.

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Wife [on the phone]: Did you preheat the oven like I asked?
Me: Yep.
Wife: What temperature did you set it to?
Me: 534
Wife: That’s the clock
Me:
Wife:
Me: 535

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Me: My wife is having a baby.
Colleague: Oh my God, do you know what it is?
Me: It’s a person, but smaller.

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The airport is a lawless place. Seven a.m.? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17.

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Someone came into the library where I work and asked me if we had a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrödinger’s cat. I said it rang a bell but I wasn’t sure if it was there or not.

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When I go To Hell:  “I was told that there would be a “special” place for me.

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She’s single.
She lives right across the street.
I can see her place from my patio.
I watched as she got home from work this evening.  I was surprised when she walked across the street, right up my driveway, and knocked on the door.
I rushed to open it, and she said, “I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and have sex all night.  Are you doing anything this evening?”
I said, “Nope, I’m free!”
She replied, “Good.  Could you watch my dog?”

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Finally Fibbing Friday

This was Pensitivity101’s last FF before Christmas, so she was recycling her Panto questions from 18th December 2020.

I’m going to have some fun with these…. I hope

1. Why is a Pantomime thus called?

It is a small wardrobe – not a garderobe – where trousers are hung and stored.

2. Why was the White Rabbit late?

No, no!  It was my girlfriend who was late – and the rabbit died.

3. What happened when Aladdin rubbed the lamp for the first time?

A DIY happy ending

4. How many ugly sisters were there?

Enough to fill every club in Blackpool.

5. What did Jack exchange for the magic beans?

A lot of money, his job, his teeth, his health, and his self-respect

6. Why do they always shout ‘It’s behind you!!?’

Do these yoga pants make my butt look big??!  No, dear.  😮  Gluteus Maximus was not a Roman Emperor.

7. What was the house in the woods made of that Hansel and Gretel found?

Gluten-free gingerbread

8. Who owned The Mirror on the wall?

The god Narcissus, true father to all the Kardashians.

9. What was the name of Dick Whittington’s cat?

DOG!  He even wrote a song about it.

10. Who was Tinkerbell?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

RuPaul’s mentor

 

 

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’24 A To Z Challenge – M

As the Bangles said, it’s Just Another Manic Monday, even if it’s a Wednesday.  Because I Mis-scheduled, and Misused my time and creative energy, I didn’t have an M Challenge ready for Monday.  I’ve barely got this stream-of-unconsciousness one ready for Wednesday.  I sometimes miss the melodious and mellifluous speech patterns and vocabularies from The Golden Era.

I recently encountered the word

MUSERY

A particular place or space, often a special room, for contemplation and introspection, where one can think great thoughts, or think no thoughts at all, to dissipate and dispel the stresses and pressures of life

The stresses and pressures of modern life must easily be twice what they were 150, or 200 years ago.  The closest modern equivalent might be the Man Cave, but the electronic Information Age doesn’t allow much time, energy, or privacy for contemplation.

Just before COVID19 struck, the Grandson asked if I would drive the two of us up to my home town on a Sunday, for a shared day of memories of where I grew up – the tracks and trails, the streets and buildings, the businesses that were gone, and the ones still there, the scenic path in the park around the little downtown lake, the 1850 home that I was born in, the post-war house that my empty-nest parents moved to.

Now I have arthritis and angina, and he has a 3-year-old son.  It grows less and less likely that it will ever happen.  Sometimes, when the music videos have been turned off, the wife has gone to bed, and I am bored with reading all three of my current books, I sit quietly for a little while, in my dim, silent Musery, and dredge up pleasant memories of my halcyon youth.

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Four score and Oh-My-God years ago, this coming Saturday, I was born.  To celebrate, I am offering a free, extra, commemorative blog post.  Stop around, but bring plenty of Kleenex – not for you, but to keep my tears from leaking out of your computer/tablet/phone/device.

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Driven To One-Liners

My biggest fear with self-driving cars is….
…. if I died on my way to work, the car would still deliver me there.

My barber asked me how I wanted my hair cut….
….I told him, “In silence!”

Life is like a box of chocolates….
….It doesn’t last long if you’re fat.

Fake quotes will ruin the internet….
….Benjamin Franklin

I’m inconsistent….
….but not all the time.

If I had known the difference between the words antidote, and anecdote….
….one of my best friends would still be alive.

The guy who stole my diary just died….
….My thoughts are with his family.

Today’s Yoga pose….
….is Downward Spiral.

Perfect parents exist….
….They just don’t have kids yet.

Why do the French eat snails?….
….They don’t like fast food

All of my passwords are protected….
….by amnesia.

I’m not eye candy….
….More like eye broccoli.

I expect nothing from life….
….and I’m still let down.

I see you have some graph paper….
….You must be plotting something.

I just got kicked out of mime school….
….Must have been something I said.

A mistress is….
….something between a mister and a mattress.

If all is not lost….
….then where the heck is it?

Beer….
….The cure for what ales you!

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Problems With One-Liners

Don’t be part of the problem….
….Be the entire problem.

These weekends are starting to feel….
….like a half-hour lunch break.

I just put an electric fence around my garden….
….The neighbors are dead against it.

I managed to weigh a rainbow….
….but it was pretty light.

Principal: Your son is always causing trouble at school….
….Me:  He’s also always causing trouble at home.  Do I call you?

I like people the way I like my tea….
….in a bag, and underwater.

You’re autistic?  Does that mean you take everything literally?….
….Nah, that’s kleptomaniacs.

My son is now at the age where he’s curious about the human body….
….I guess I’ll have to hide it somewhere else.

My housemates are convinced that the house is haunted….
….I’ve lived here 274 years and never noticed anything strange.

My yoga instructor was drunk today….
….She put me in an awkward position.

I’ve had complaints that all my jokes are in English, so here’s one in Spanish….
….Uno.

I went to the corner store….
….bought four corners

I heard the funniest time travel joke….
….tomorrow.

“Welcome back everybody!” is not the best way to start a speech….
….if you’re the best man at your friend’s second wedding.

The worst part of drug addiction….
….is ending up religious.

A Roman soldier walks into a bar, holds up two fingers….
….and says, “Five beers please.”

Can you describe Napoleon’s origin?….
….’Course I can.

I was asked to play the part of Brutus, in the play Julius Caesar….
….I said I’d take a stab at it.

My wife wanted to go on a vacation, but I wanted a staycation….
….so we compromised and had an altercation.

The difference between an onion, and a bagpipe????
….No-one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.

I came third in a star naming competition recently….
….I got a constellation prize.

The leading cause of injury in old men….
….is thinking they’re still young men

I was very impressed with the Optician….
….I saw today.

I asked my surgeon if he minded if I administered my own anesthetic….
….He said, “Sure!  Knock yourself out.”

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Judge-Mental

I can tell a judgemental person – just by looking at them.

Just when you might think that ‘Good Christians’ have reached the limit of the depths that they will sink to – someone starts digging.

I recently read a Christian’s blog-post.  Not an Apologist debater – merely a denizen of the American Bible-belt, publishing from just this side of the Westboro Baptist Church.

He went down-town to conduct some business, and saw a family of four get out of a car.  He just knew by looking at them, that they weren’t a Christian family.  The 7-9 year old daughter was wearing yoga pants – and he didn’t approve of yoga pants.

The mother had a Karen haircut – and you know what those Karens are like.  No, I don’t!  I don’t even know what a “Karen haircut” looks like.

I reached his post through an Atheism tag, although the word Atheism was not used in the entire article.  He very carefully skirted making that accusation.  He wrote, “I might be wrong, but I don’t think that I’m being too judgemental.”  Yes, you are, and with no proof or justification!  😯

What was most disturbing was that this was far from an isolated viewpoint.  The post was an hour old when I reached it, and already it had 7 likes from other self-appointed cultural/religious gatekeepers who agreed with him.

He may have been from Arkansas.  In a related (actually, two) story, 29 years ago, Arkansas banned yoga.  I don’t believe that the ban is state-wide, only in the schools.  🙄  We can’t allow our children to be exposed to that Asian voodoo stuff.  It might make them think hard enough to question Jesus.  All that stretching is way too sensual, and some of them poses might incite lust.  It’s a good thing that Sears went bankrupt.  At least they’re not mailing out those pornographic catalogues anymore.

You can mail all your dismay, disbelief, and disapproval to Archon c/o Archon’s Den.  I will mix it with liberal doses of kitty-litter siftings, and forward it where it will do the most good.

Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow – will be another April day.  See you there.  😀

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Damned Amateurs – AKA Snowflake Meltdown

OKAY, BOOMER

I recently encountered an MSN article titled, “40 Things That Baby Boomers Think Are Still Cool – But Aren’t.”  It was an amusing little nothing of an article, good only for hanging advertising links onto – as fluffy as RuPaul’s feather boa.

It was apparently composed by some Millennial Snowflake – probably to the sound of great applause.  I thought that only achy, arthritis-afflicted, grumpy old curmudgeons like me would compose such a compilation of complaints.  I figured that the author of this would be too busy, polishing his brand-new, red BMW.  Maybe MSN threw in a gold star for his sticker album, and a participation medal.

Snowflake

Snowflake: Slang A person who is considered to be overly sensitive or too easily offended, especially as a result of believing himself or herself to be unique or special – with the accent on flake.

I don’t know if the author was serious, or if this was just an exercise in being a published author.  There were some things that he ranted about that even I, as an old Boomer, would object to, while others made me think that, even if it were raining gold coins, he’d complain about dents on that BMW.

The list was eclectic and varied.  Among others, he hit on visors, shag carpet, Yahoo, Jell-O salads, fossil fuels, fuzzy toilet seat covers, bar soap, meat loaf, encyclopedias, and malls.

I don’t know what his objection to visors was.  I don’t like wearing hats, but when I was younger, and my hair was black and absorbed solar energy and heat, I wore them to keep my brain from boiling.  (So, that’s what happened!)  Now that it’s as white as the driven snow, all I need is something to protect my eyes.  That’s why God invented Ray-Bans.

I always thought that shag carpeting was a bad idea, and didn’t sign up for Yahoo.  Instead I waited till Google was available for free.  I rather like Jell-O salads – both vegetable, and fruit.  I never miss a chance to scoop some up, the few times we hit a restaurant with a buffet.  It was a cheap food that the wife’s family of nine kids had to endure, so she won’t make any.  I’ll eat it, but I won’t make it.  Like tossed salad, I feel that the enjoyment-to-labor ratio is too low.

I think that ‘fossil fuels’ was just tossed in for virtue signaling.  I don’t know any Boomer who thinks that they’re “cool”, but, until some smart-ass Snowflake comes up with an affordable, reliable alternative…. they’re indispensable.

Fuzzy toilet-seat covers, aside from being a germ-sponge, are a vicious trick, invented by Women’s Lib.  They turn a two-handed job into a three-handed one.  When a guy tries to do what he needs to do, he has to open the front of his pants with one hand, and withdraw (hopefully) a handful with the other.

Fuzzy seat covers placed the center of balance of the lid forward, so that they would not stay up on their own.  There was a lot of shuffling around to the side, and holding the lid up with a knee.  The ones where the lid stayed up for a few seconds, and then came crashing down in mid-stream were the most dangerous.  I almost didn’t have to pay for a vasectomy.

Ah, Millennial instant gratification!  Since I’m not obsessed with Zumba, or Hatha Yoga, I have time to work up a lather with a bar of soap.  I purchased a box of 12, Chinese, musk-scented bars at the Farmers’ Market.  Most of them are secreted in various dresser drawers, helping to make my clothes smell like Not-Me.

I don’t know what the author had against meat-loaf – except that it wasn’t a kale smoothie.  It’s comfort food, and us old fogies need all the comfort that we can get.  The article served to remind me that we had not had meat-loaf in over a month, so I had it on the menu by the end of the week.

The article came on 40 pages that had to be clicked to.  Each one came with a photograph, ‘cuz our old Boomer eyesight ain’t the best anymore, don’tcha know?  Aside from the general, dismissive, know-it-all premise, the two things that irritated me the most were the photos of ‘encyclopedias,’ and ‘malls’

Encyclopedias

I welcomed the electronic advent of Wikipedia.  Google and Bing are my friends.  Paper and ink encyclopedias are archaic anachronisms – antiques, and collectors’ items.  The Internet knows everything – if you can sift out the fake news.  The photo provided for that page seemed to be of a library Rare-Book shelf.  They’re old, and they are hard-cover…. but not one of them is an Encyclopedia.  Bing images provided me with pictures of lots, as I composed this post, including the first, and possibly the best – Encyclopedia Britannica.

Polish Reception

Malls have had their day.  All hail Amazon and E-Bay!  Etail is the wave of the future.  The only thing that malls are good for are the food courts, and the girl-watching – and the air conditioning means that they are wearing far too much clothing.  Someone didn’t work (or think) too hard with these photos.

Since the article is in English and apparently intended for the American – or perhaps Canadian – market, it would seem to be a good idea to get a picture of an English-speaking mall.  Even a cursory examination of the above photo shows that it is of a Polish one.  Recepcja = reception.

I think I pulled a groin muscle, ranting about some young whipper-snapper ranting about old nothings.  I’m gonna rest up for a couple of days.  See you later.  😀

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Challenge – Be Bored For A Week

office-worker

I tried to be bored, but the voices inside my head wouldn’t let me.

Bored

Actually, I really didn’t try, because there was only one voice inside my head – and it was mine.  I gave it a shot, but quickly found that any time I stopped thinking about everything/anything, I wound up back at my Gravatar description, researching something else that would do me no good at all, except as blog-fodder.

I tried some of that mindless Yoga contemplation – didn’t work!  As soon as I stopped thinking about blog-posts, and useless trivia, into my head popped Spring Byington.  She was a C-grade actress who only had one television series, called December Bride.  It ran from 1954 to 1959.

She played a middle-aged, divorced woman, living with her grown daughter, and everybody was trying to fix her up with another husband.  A (relatively) young Harry Morgan played the intrusive neighbor.  The gimmick was that, like Howard Wolowitz’s mother on The Big Bang Theory, his acerbic wife was often heard, but never seen.

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In researching a trip to Detroit, MI, I found that there are several other Detroits in the US, including Detroit TX….which is near Oklahoma City….which reminded me of the Jim Croce song, Rapid Roy, where he sings about transporting illegal moonshine, “Runnin’ from the man in Oklahoma City, with a 500 gallon tank.”

How much would 500 gallons of white lightning weigh?  Hmmm – almost 4400 pounds!  Certainly not something to be carried in a stripped-down, hopped-up sedan, or even a pickup truck, and definitely not while trying to out-speed or out-maneuver State Police vehicles.

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Almost as soon as electric rice cookers became available, the wife had to have one.  Six months later, they “New and Improved” them, by adding a tray in which you could steam things like the frozen dumplings that she likes to add to her homemade chicken soup.  Recently, on Facebitch, someone offered a new Black and Decker unit with the steamer tray, for $15.

When we went to pick it up, the irony was that it was offered for sale by a young Chinese-Canadian woman, still living with her barely-speak-English immigrant parents.  On the drive home I relaxed – and the voice in my head said ‘taffeta.’

There may be more than one of me inside, what I thought was, my empty head.  Almost immediately, the same/different voice said, ‘I’ll see you the taffeta, and raise you organdy and sateen.’  They’re all thin, bright, shiny fabrics, often used as decoration on women’s clothing.  Why would I even know that they exist, much less bring them up to myself during a car ride??!

It’s a wonder that I ever get any particular project completed, with all these odd thoughts and factoids caroming around at strange angles inside my brain, like a bumper car ride.  I’ve proved that I can’t bore myself.  I just hope that I haven’t bored you.  Stop back soon for a ham on rye post – something with a little more meat to it. 🙂

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Adaptability (Humor In Business)

SITUATION ADAPTABILITY EVALUATION
 FOR MANAGEMENT PERSONNEL

This test has been designed to evaluate reactions of management personnel to various situations.  The situations are based on actual case studies from a well-known educational institution, and represent a cross-section of test data, correlated to evaluate both reaction time to difficult situations, as well as the soundness of each decision selected.

There are 8 multiple choice questions.  Read each question thoroughly.  Place an X by the answer you feel is most correctly justified by the circumstances given.  Be prepared to justify your decision.

You have 4 minutes.

Do not begin answering the questions until you are told to do so.

1.  You have prepared a proposal for the Regional Director of Purchasing for your largest customer.  The success of this presentation will mean increasing your sales to his company by 200%.  In the middle of your proposal, the customer leans over to look at your report, and spits into your coffee. You:

(a) Tell him you prefer you coffee black.
(b)  Ask to have him checked for communicable diseases.
(c)  Take a leak in his ‘OUT’ basket.

2. You are having lunch with a prospective customer, talking about what could be your biggest sale of the year. During the conversation, a blonde walks into the restaurant, and she is so stunning that you draw your companion’s attention to her, and give a vivid description of what you would do if you had her alone in your motel room. She walks over to your table and introduces herself as your client’s daughter. Your next move is to:

(a) Ask for her hand in marriage.
(b) Pretend you’ve forgotten how to speak English.
(c) Repeat the conversation to the daughter, and just hope for the best.

3.  You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives in the plushest office you’ve ever seen. The hot enchilada casserole and egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating a severe pressure. Your sphincter loses its control, and you break wind in a most convincing manner, causing three tumblers to shatter, and a secretary to pass out. What you should do next is:

(a) Offer to come back next week, when the smell has gone away.
(b) Point to their CEO, and accuse him of the offense.
(c) Challenge anyone in the room to do better.

4.  You are at a business lunch, when you are suddenly overcome with an uncontrollable need to pick your nose. Remembering that this is definitely a NO-NO. You:

(a) Pretend to wave to somebody across the room and, with one fluid motion, bury your forefinger in your nose up to the 4th joint.
(b) Get everyone drunk, and organize a nose-picking contest with a prize to the one who make his nose bleed first.
(c) Drop your napkin on the floor, and when you bend over to pick it up, blow your nose on your sock.

5. You’ve just spent the evening with a supplier who invited you to an all-night boiler-maker drinking party. You get home just in time to go to work. You stagger to the men’s room and spend a half-hour vomiting. As you’re washing up, the Sales Training Manager walks in, blows cigar smoke in your face, and asks you to join him for drinks after work. You:

(a) Look him straight in the eye, and launch one last convulsive torrent at the front of his Hart Shaffner & Marx suit.
(b) Nail him right in the crotch, banking on the fact that he’ll never recognize your green face.
(c) Grasp his hand and pump it till he pees his pants.

6.  You are at a dinner with a customer and his wife, who looks like the regional winner of the Marjorie Main lookalike contest. Halfway through dinner you feel a hand on your lap. If you are resourceful, you will:

(a) ‘Accidently ‘ spill hot coffee in your lap.
(b) Slip a note to you server to have your customer paged, and see if the hand disappears.
(c) Excuse yourself and go to the men’s room. If he follows, don’t come out till you have a signed order.

7.  You’re on your way in to see your best account, when your zipper breaks, and you remember that you forgot to put on your underpants this morning. You decide to:

(a) Call on the customer’s secretary instead.
(b) Explain that you were trolling for queers.
(c) Buy a baggy raincoat and head for the school playground.

8.  You’ve just returned from Green Bay, Wisconsin, in January, and tell your boss that nobody but whores and football players live there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. You:

(a) Ask what position she played.
(b) Ask if she’s still working the streets.
(c) Pretend you’re suffering from amnesia, and don’t remember your name.

Remember, there are no “correct” answers, except perhaps to take up Yoga so that you can practice bending over and kissing it goodbye.

 

 

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Words, Light And Heavy

If you over-indulged a bit (lot?) over the holidays,  you may want a look at,

The I-Hate-To-Diet-Dictionary

Trying to lose weight can be heavy.  Why not lighten the self-deprivation with this spirit-lifting lexicon?

Aerobics, n.

A wiggling, jiggling, giggling class of moaning, groaning, toning klutzes

Baby fat, n.

Appealingly pudgy condition of infants, children, and young adults (not applicable after age nineteen)

Celery, n.

Effective, low-calorie device for scraping out the last morsel of peanut butter

Dieter, n.

Someone never caught in the act of eating

Exhibitionist, n.

A size 7 who tries on clothes in a community dressing room

Fit, n.

Emotional outburst when jeans won’t zip up

Goal, n.

To be ten pounds less than one’s ideal weight, so that one can have the joy of gaining it all back

Hip, n.

One of two protruding parts of the body used to carry small children, grocery bags, or large cartons of Twinkies

Interested, adj.

Telling someone else how much weight you have lost on your diet

Justice, poetic, n.

Attending one’s tenth reunion, and discovering that the ninety-pound cheerleader….the one with the most to gain….did

Lockjaw, n.

Serious illness most dieters would love to have two to three days a week

Marquis de Sade, n.

Eighteenth-century inventor of Nautilus equipment

New Year’s Eve, n.

Rollicking conclusion of the old year, when one makes a sincere resolution to lose fifteen pounds by January 23

Optimist, n.

Any dieter who buys a leotard with horizontal stripes

Pound, n.

1: A fixed unit of measure found on one’s scale (usually accurate)

2: a fictitious unit of measurement found on one’s driver’s licence (usually inaccurate)

Quest, n.

An everlasting pursuit of the perfect pizza

Refrigerator, n.

Temporary storage area between grocery bags and the mouth

Scissors, n.

Handy tool used to cut oneself out of photographs

Thyroid, n.

1: Overactive: God’s gift to Adam

2: Underactive: God’s gift to Eve

Unconscious, adj.

The only state in which a dieter is not hungry

Weight, n.

Physical defiance of Newton’s Law of Gravity; what goes up, does not necessarily come down

Yin & Yang, n.

Buddhist terms of opposition, taken from the Zen macrobiotic diet

1: the loss of forty-five pounds

2: the loss of one pound, forty-five times

ZZzzzz, n.

The sound of a dieter not eating

Many thanks to Sandra Bergeson for enabling me to present this light-hearted list to those who will now hate me for doing so.