Tag Archives: exercise

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Fibbing Friday #305

Last week Pensitivity101 wanted our thoughts on these!

1. Borg

It was an artificial, sheepskin-like, insulating fabric in Clarissa’s jacket, in The Silence of the Lambs movie.

2. Caught in 4k

I told the neighbor to leave his cell phone, and its GPS app, at the office, if he was gonna visit his side-chick, but tell his wife he was working late.

3. Cheese Pull

Did the bloody Brits invent a new term to describe wanking??

4. Cheugy

This is the Czech name for a filled doughnut that the Poles call a paczki – a word that simply means “package.”  Especially popular before Easter, the local Polish market includes some with a rose-flavored cream center.  Anybody want to try some?  I’ll email them to you.

5. Chopped

These are our Guaranteed, Government, financial, retirement benefits, since the Provincial and Federal Governments have wasted $Billions on every boondoggle except a digital copy of the Epstein files.  The cat and dog have started a GoFundMe campaign, to help ensure their kibble.

6. Chuzz

This is the new Woke language style, that won’t call a spade, a spade – just an African-American, even if they live in Belgium.  He was shot nine times, and unalived.  I’ll bet that he was impressed with that.  It makes it sound like he was standing on queue, waiting for the stairway to Heaven.

7. Crash out

The son works a midnight shift.  He usually comes home and busies himself, making food, and reading, but…. there are some shifts where I come down to find him sprawled – often face-down – on the couch – dead to the world.  I have to wake him up, to go upstairs to sleep.  I sometimes wonder why there isn’t a chalk outline around him.

8. Blue-Pilled

Let’s see….was it the one that shrinks my enlarged prostate??  The one that increases blood-flow, to help it work….or was it the Magnesium supplement?? 😕  It could be arsenic and old Archon.  I gotta trust the wife.  She’s the one who fills my weekly pill dispenser.  I recently found her staring at our marriage license.  I think she’s looking for the expiry date – either the license, or me.

9. Fridge cigarette

Why is there a letter D in the word ‘fridge,’ but not in ‘refrigerator?’
If you had a look inside my fridge, you’d realize that there’s not enough room for it.
What were we talking about??  Fridge cigarettes??
Uh….frozen fish sticks??!  Not with that door standing open.  😳

10. Buns.

I have Buns of Steel, © ™ but not from exercising, or else the rest of my body wouldn’t look like Bib, The Michelin Man.  I got them from hours spent in the World’s most uncomfortable computer chair.  Before any of you suggest a better chair – this one is the only reason that I get any of my chores done.

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’25 A To Z Challenge – O

HELP!!

Someone stole my blog-post prompt word for the letter O.

Never mind – it was me.

Pensitivity101 distracted me with a Fibbing Friday list, and I put the word

OBFUSCATE

here.  It means to make something unclear or hard to understand, especially deliberately, which I don’t approve of doing – except to get my cheap laugh.

I discovered roller skating at about 15 and used it as a means of exercise and entertainment for 50 years.  With my lack of balance and muscle control, I was never really good at it, but I liked it.  When I moved to this town, there was one roller rink.  Roller skating continued to increase in popularity, until three new rinks were built.  After about 15 years, and the introduction of roller blades, popularity waned.  One rink became a furniture store, one a pharmacy, and one became a dance club.

The original rink held on for years, but as attendance dwindled, eventually found that they could generate more income by offering the space for seminars, craft shows, wedding receptions, and company banquets.  I took to driving 15 miles to our Tri-City, to a rink a block off the Golden Mile.  Finally the value of the land was greater as a hotel, than a roller rink.

For over ten years, there has not been a rink within 75 miles – which is probably a good thing for me, or I might have been seduced into something foolish.  I still own my skates, and a carry-case.  The pendulum is swinging again.  Interest in roller skating – and roller derby – is on the rise.  A small shopping plaza, a mile from the house has put out a roadside sign, announcing the imminent opening of a roller rink.

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Fibbing Friday #277

These are funny phrases that Pensitivity101 found on the internet and I admit we have no idea who said them, so who would you suggest as the speaker?

When I read this list, I found that so many of them seemed to point directly at me, I worried that the wife had installed a nanny-camera in my computer room.  (Note to self – Clear browser history every day!)

1. I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.

I’m not always right, but I’m never wrong.

2. My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.

Then I file it all under P for Procrastination.  Nagging Reminding is what I have a wife for.

3. My diet plan: make all of my friends cupcakes, the fatter they get, the thinner I look.

During the heat wave, the kids up the street came down just to sit in my shade.

4. My wallet is like an onion. When I open it, it makes me cry.

Apparently, I must have accidently switched wallets with the Invisible Man at the gym.  I got all his invisible bank-notes.

5. You never realize what you have until it’s gone. Toilet paper is a good example.

He was gone for a while, but not long enough.  Now he’s back.  I print a few copies of his face on my Brother Copier, and use them.  They’re almost as much a pain in the ass as the real thing.

6. Chocolate doesn’t ask silly questions, chocolate understands.

Chocolate says nothing – unlike the women in my office.  With them, silence is not golden.  It’s a vague, distant memory.

7. I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

It somehow also bleached my black hair white.  My morning hairstyle looks like a Costco swirly vanilla soft-serve cone.

8. My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch… I call it lunch.

I lunge toward the all-you-can-eat taco buffet, and crunch until I lapse into a salsa coma.

9. Whoever said nothing is impossible has never tried slamming a revolving door.

Chuck Norris is the only guy who ever did it, but the tornado that I spun up, leaving the insurance company’s Customer Service department, crossed three counties.

10. I don’t sweat, I sparkle.

I thought it was an Eskimo, coming out of an exercise gym in Nome, Alaska, but the daughter insists that it’s Richard Simmons!!!  He was the biggest sparkler of all time.  What with all that sweating to the oldies and his perky personality!

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25 A To Z Challenge – F

I have foregone a binge-watching marathon of all the Fast and Furious movies, to bring you this fabulous word that you think you know, but don’t.

FELL

Oh sure, clumsy clod, tripped over the floor and landed – SPLAT!! – on his face.  Nah…. That’s the verb form.  I’m talking about the archaic adjective version, which means cruel, or ruthless.  Unlucky people were said to be forced to live in fell circumstances.  Since both of those could involve quick treachery and betrayal, it also came to mean sudden.  The carefully coordinated police drug raids rounded all the dealers up in one fell swoop.

I was going to offer you more information that you could actually use on Wednesday, but my blog is on an exercise kick.  After I exercise my right to Freedom From Religion, I’m going to Hop, Skip, and Jump over to Fibbing Friday.

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Work From Home Comedy

I signed up for a Zoom workout meeting that was too advanced for me.  So when the instructor said, “Do a plank, and then bring your knee to the opposite elbow.” I did a modified version, where I turned the feed off and made pancakes.

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A man went to see his Rabbi. He stated in a very serious tone, “”Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”
The Rabbi asked, “What’s wrong?”
The man replied, “My wife is poisoning me.”
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asked, “How can that be?”
The man then pleaded, “I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me, what should I do?”
The Rabbi then said, “Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”
A week later the Rabbi called the man and said, “Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?”
The man anxiously replied, “Yes.”
“Take the poison,” said the Rabbi.

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An angry man walks into a bar and throws himself on a stool. He motions to the bartender, “Give me a whiskey. Quick!” “Something bothering you?” asks the bartender as he pours the whiskey. “It’s lawyers!” the angry man exclaims. “They’re all jerks! Every single one of them!” Another customer at the bar looks over and says, “You better take that back!” “Why? Are you a lawyer?” the angry man shouts. “No,” the customer replies. “I’m a jerk!”

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I feel much better now that I have switched from coffee to orange juice in the morning.  My doctor explained that it is the vitamin C and natural sugars, but I think it’s the vodka.

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I just read a book titled 100 Things To Do Before You Die.
I was rather surprised that one of them wasn’t, “Yell for help.”

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Tough Old Bird

After three months of useless boredom, I had to do an exit interview with the nosy bitch dietician at my Cardiac rehabilitation program.

I actually also did an entry interview, which is uncommon for her.  She is often so busy and distracted, that she doesn’t talk to new enrollees until they’ve been in the program for a month – or two.  With me, she had START and STOP data to compare.

She has a high-tech little machine that you stand on, barefoot, and lift a small crossbar.  It sends neuro-electricity through you, to measure muscle and fat mass.  Somehow, it also calculates biological age, as compared to actual calendar age.

During/after my heart surgery, I lost 20 pounds, dropping from 210 pounds, to 190, where I am remaining.  On my admission, it said that my biological age was 67, for a man of 80 years.  She was pleased with that.  She’s had 67 year-old people with a biological age of 80.

While my weight has remained the same, her little toy says that I’ve lost 4-1/2 pounds of belly fat, and gained 4-1/2 pounds of muscle.  I guess all that exercise wasn’t as useless as I thought it was.  On my way to the door, her electronic 8–Ball says that my biological age is now 65.

To justify her position, she babbled about sodium, trans-fats, fiber, and cholesterol.  It took me 80 years to clog up my heart.  Now that it’s been retreaded, it should be good for another 80 years, especially since I’m now taking anti-cholesterol medication.  I may celebrate with an order of poutine.  After six months, the air-fryer that the wife impulse-bought, remains in the basement, in its original packaging.

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Definitely Fibbing Friday

Familiar words from Pensitivity101 last week, but my definitions are interesting and amusing!

1.What is a didgeridoo?

That’s the stuff that I have to scrape off the bottom of my fringed lizard’s cage.

2. What is a wombat?

That’s the one that was ruled illegal at the cricket open, when it was found to be bored and corked.  A little Marshall Plan donation from American Major League Baseball.

3. What is a jerry can?

The washroom at the local schnitzel restaurant

4. What is a beaker?

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew’s assistant on The Muppet Show.

5. What is a photofit?

That’s why there are so few pictures of me.  Cameras with fisheye lenses are not common.

6. What is meant by pluck?

I don’t want to harp on it, but that is a musical term.

7. What is a cat nap?

90% of my feline pets’ lives

8. Where will you find a winder?

Much against my desires and better judgement, I allowed myself to be enrolled in a post-heart surgery Cardiac rehabilitation exercise program.  The winder is an inclined treadmill.  20 minutes on that has me huffing and puffing.  If God had meant us to walk, He would not have invented Uber.

9. What is a crosshair?

It’s what’s on top of my head each morning.  I used to say that it looked like I combed it with a pillow.  Now, it’s more like it had a midnight tussle with an industrial blender.

10. What is an effigy?

My usual style of speech, when I have to deal with the world at large. I sound like a chicken with Tourette’s syndrome.   #uck, #uck, #uck

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Neighborly One-Liners

The only person who listens to both sides of an argument….
….is the next-door neighbor.

Vodka mixes well with everything….
….except decisions.

There are two kinds of people in this world….
….I avoid them.

I’ve opened three birthday cards, and I’m up $150….
….I love being a mailman.

If I’ve learned anything in my 23 years on this Earth….
….It’s okay to lie about your age.

I’m first in line at Paranoids Anonymous….
….Everyone else is after me.

I never run with scissors….
….Those last two words were unnecessary.

I’m really getting older….
….My doctor just referred me to an archeologist.

What this country needs….
….are more unemployed politicians.

By replacing your morning coffee with green tea, you can lose up to 87%….
…. of what little joy in life you still have.

I can’t be held responsible for what….
….my face does when you talk.

A perfectionist walks into a bar, but immediately leaves….
….Apparently, the bar wasn’t set high enough.

Bacon is actually the second reason I’m not a vegan….
….I’m not a moron, being the first.

Last night I dreamed I was an automobile muffler….
….I woke up exhausted.

I’m beginning think that, for some people….
….the wheels on their bus do not go ‘round and ‘round.

When you said “Friends with benefits”….
….I thought you owned a taco truck.

When people bring up my hell-raising past….
….I remind them that Jesus dropped all the charges.

Girls nowadays are like a box of chocolates….
….Some of them have nuts.

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Gassed-Up One-Liners

Getting gas, the guy at pump 4 put in $10….
….Where was he driving to?  Pump 9??

They say gambling ruins lives, but it brought our family closer together….
….We now live in a one-bedroom apartment.

My preacher got upset because I only pretended to listen to his sermons….
….so now I don’t even pretend.

I failed my Greek Mythology exam last week….
….I think my failure to study was my Achilles elbow.

I’m a bit nervous about my math exam….
….I figure my chances of passing are 40/40.

My memory is like an Etch-A-Sketch….
….I shake my head, and forget everything.

My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale….
….I gave her a loaf of bread, and left her in the forest.

Wife: I’m pregnant.
Husband: Hi pregnant, I’m Dad
Wife: No you’re not.

I can run….
….like the winded.

Whoever thinks that money doesn’t buy happiness….
….transfer it to my account.

I’m returning your nose….
….I found it in my business.

Let’s all take a moment to be thankful….
….that I don’t own a Taser.

Darth Vader’s corrupt brother is….
….Taxi Vader.

95% of people are idiots….
….I’m glad I’m in the other 15%.

If 2×2 makes 4, and 3×3 makes 9….
….how come 0X0 makes gravy?

I’m only bad at three things….
….and math is both of them.

The phrase, “Don’t take this the wrong way.”….
….has a 0% success rate.

Try meditation. It’s better than….
….sitting around, doing nothing.

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’24 A To Z Challenge – D

The results of my angina blood test are back.  Apparently I’m 70% gravy.

OH LARD, I’M COMIN’

I thought that I had found the perfect D-word for my A to Z challenge.

DESUETUDE

I mean…. de-SUET-ude??!  Get the grease out of the old arteries??!

GET THE LARD OUT!

The US dictionary insists that parochial Americans should pronounce it, diss-wit- ood.  Of course, being a linguistic genius, and knowing its history and construction, I know that it should be pronounced more like, deh-soo-et (or swet)-ood.  Perhaps I’m not the genius I thought I was.  It has nothing to do with cleaning out clogged arteries.  The actual meaning is, the state of being no longer used or practiced – disuse, inactivity.

I have a whole list of things that will soon join that description.  No longer will I be flitting around the house, or dashing upstairs and down, or using the aisles at Costco like my private walking trails.  The wife and daughter are both semi-handicapped.  The wife shops with a cane, and the daughter with a forearm crutch.  I can do anything that I used to – I just have to do it much slower, and plod along at their pace now.

French fries are now verboten.  I turned in my New York Fries loyalty card to my doctor, and she replaced it with a complementary membership to Salads-R-Us.  My bitching and whining about it have not been discontinued, though.  Do tacos or burritos contain cholesterol??   😮   D for DAMN!!