Tag Archives: programs

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Tough Old Bird

After three months of useless boredom, I had to do an exit interview with the nosy bitch dietician at my Cardiac rehabilitation program.

I actually also did an entry interview, which is uncommon for her.  She is often so busy and distracted, that she doesn’t talk to new enrollees until they’ve been in the program for a month – or two.  With me, she had START and STOP data to compare.

She has a high-tech little machine that you stand on, barefoot, and lift a small crossbar.  It sends neuro-electricity through you, to measure muscle and fat mass.  Somehow, it also calculates biological age, as compared to actual calendar age.

During/after my heart surgery, I lost 20 pounds, dropping from 210 pounds, to 190, where I am remaining.  On my admission, it said that my biological age was 67, for a man of 80 years.  She was pleased with that.  She’s had 67 year-old people with a biological age of 80.

While my weight has remained the same, her little toy says that I’ve lost 4-1/2 pounds of belly fat, and gained 4-1/2 pounds of muscle.  I guess all that exercise wasn’t as useless as I thought it was.  On my way to the door, her electronic 8–Ball says that my biological age is now 65.

To justify her position, she babbled about sodium, trans-fats, fiber, and cholesterol.  It took me 80 years to clog up my heart.  Now that it’s been retreaded, it should be good for another 80 years, especially since I’m now taking anti-cholesterol medication.  I may celebrate with an order of poutine.  After six months, the air-fryer that the wife impulse-bought, remains in the basement, in its original packaging.

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Alternate Fibbing Friday

Last week, Pensitivity101 was offering up familiar words and asking for alternative definitions.

1. What is a nincompoop?

Is it a person with constipation??  😕  I don’t give a shit.

2. What is a Tory?

He’s the privileged, rich-bitch, British Prime Minister who doesn’t have the Grit to do what is best for the country.

3. What is a gonk?

Gonk is the term for some of the (mostly) male students I attended school with.  Back in the Neolithic Age, there were no special schools for them to attend, or special short buses to get them there.  They just disappeared into the special Opportunity Class.

4. What is a pom-pom?

That’s the butt on any of the Kardashians.  I don’t know why people have started calling them “booty.”  Booty comes in a big chest – and that’s on the other end.

5. What is a hanging basket?

That’s the shot by an NBA player, that jams between the rim and the backboard, and refuses to fall in.

6. What is micropore?

It’s a short shot, dispensed by a cheap thrifty Scottish barkeep.  Och laddie, yuv had enuf already anyway,.

7. What is a posy?

It’s a really difficult question to answer.

8. What is a barometer?

It’s a new, computer program that my local just installed.  They don’t worry about last call anymore.  I had to have a QR code tattooed on.  I scan in when I arrive, and the electronic nanny keeps track of my time spent, beers ordered, and a call from the wife automatically gets me sent home to put the bins out.

9. What is a cable?

It’s a fancy, standout stitch that the wife is putting on a sweater for the Great-grandson, using yarn that the daughter hand-spun from Dorset sheep wool.

10. What is a fib?

It’s the lie that you get from the Beyond Meat company, when they claim that their plant-based pork-rib substitute is as good as the real thing.  At least it isn’t Soylent Green.  😮  I was seriously distraught when I researched that old movie, and found out that there really is a company named Soylent Canada.  What genius named that one??  It’s like finding that someone actually built a Jurassic Park  😳  What could possibly go wrong??  😕

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Old Bag Fibbing Friday

Pernsitivity101 gave us another mixed bag last week. Your suggestions for these please……………..

1.What is a juggernaut?

That’s a hillbilly who’s disappointed that he wasn’t accepted into a NASA program, however…. if the moonshine-powered engine in his General Lee repro lets go, he might achieve orbit.

2. What is an HGV?

It’s a new Snowflake disease, caused by too much Woke in their system.

3. What is an off roader?

In Canada’s winter/spring weather, it’s any idiot driver with too much lead-foot – macho – booze – drugs – stupid.

4. What is a 4 X 4?

It’s a pressure-treated,, waterproofed timber that you stick in the ground, to hold up your back deck – if you’re not playing with a full one.

5. What is a turbine?

That’s the headgear worn by some curry-eating selling, Asian immigrants.  The ones with forehead dots are push-starts, and the little sheet-head ones are pull-starts.

6. Where will you find an octave?

Wherever two string quartets are having a duelling cellos competition.

7. What is a dovetail joint?

That’s a Chi-Chi bar with bird-decoration motif.  You haven’t lived until you’ve had cockatoo-shit in your Old Fashioned!!?

8. What is a Messerschmitt?

That’s my brother, and a few similar cousins.  Their home décor theme seems to be “Didn’t expect the police raid.”

9. What is a tangerine?

It’s a lovely, old 1941 ballad from Jimmy Dorsey’s orchestra.

10. What is a mattock?

That was the silver-haired, geriatric, Grumpy-Old-Dude lawyer TV role that actor, Andy Griffith played, after he moved out of Mayberry, and stopped being Opie’s dad, Dopie.

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Lies My Grammar Checker Told Me

The guy who programmed my Word program Grammar Checker, must have been on some wild, non-prescription medication.  If I paid any attention to it, I’d probably end up the same way.  The suggestions – corrections – range from highly disappointing, to Oh F**k No!  I finally decided to keep a list.  Here are a few, with my corrections of Word’s ‘corrections.’

Let’s start with ‘guy’ above, which it insists on adding a comma after, sectioning my independent clause into a smaller, subordinate one.  Now it’s spotted the word ‘guy,’ and wants me to change ‘which’ to ‘whom.’

Archon: God is perfectly loving.
Word: God perfectly loves.
This changes my passive adjective into an active verb.  What He is, is not necessarily what He’s currently doing.  Now it wants me to remove the comma after the first ‘is.’  If I do that, it will want me to remove the duplicated word.

Archon: I’m okay.
Word: I is okay.
Well, I’m not okay with that verb form.

Archon: I only did one sit up
Word: I only did one sits up
I know!  It’s my fault.  I should have put a dash between sit and up.

Archon: I need another drink
Word: I needs another drink
Now I need two drinks.  Oh look, it’s changed its mind.  Oh damn, you can’t see.

Archon: the asshole who screwed you
Word: the asshole that screwed you
No, no!  If we’re going that way, it was a penis that screwed you.

Archon: Sorry man, it’s trick or treat
Word: Sorry man, its trick or treat
That one is subtle, but it burns my ass.

Archon: row, row, row your boat
Word: row, row, and row your boat
Row, row, row your silly recommendations away from me.

Archon: people always seem to know it
Word:  people always seems to know it
It doesn’t seem to know how many, the word “people,” represents.

Archon: letting myself go
Word: letting me go
I do myself.  Everybody else does me.  There’s a rule there that I can’t remember – something about reflexive.

Archon: will never see the light of day
Word: will never sees the light of day
Poor Will, his eyesight is lousy.

Archon: Just to clear things up
Word: Just too clear things up
That is too much to accept.  Dear Lord!  Now it wants to capitalize ‘Too.’

Archon: mattresses aren’t on sale
Word: mattresses isn’t on sale
Unless “Mattresses” is a book or movie, I aren’t accepting that construction

Archon: Turns out I just have kids
Word: Turns out me just have kids
Turns out me don’t trust Grammar-Check

Archon: a chocolate box, and a chocolate Lab, are
Word: a chocolate box, and a chocolate Lab, is a
One plus one equals a plural verb

Archon: it means to lift or raise
Word: it means to lift or rise
Active vs. passive – It raises a question of who writes better English.

Archon – 14 <-> Word – 0  The deterioration of English language usage is not circular.  It is a continuing, downward spiral.  ‘We’ become wrong because we listen to supposed experts, and the supposed experts are wrong because they listen to, and read, our current usage.   👿