Meet-Less Humor

Meet My Lazy Co-Workers

Cordless – only works for two hours.
E.T. – always wants to go home.
Kit-Kat – always taking a break.
Muffler – always exhausted.
Seaweed – just floats around all day.
Sensor Light – only works when someone walks past.
Wheelbarrow – only works when pushed.

***

My parents spanked me as a child.  As a result, I now suffer from a psychological condition called “Respect for others.”

***

DON’T MESS WITH ME!
I’m a
Wooden spoon
Lead Paint
No car seat
No bike helmet
Pickup bed ridin’
Garden hose drinkin’
SURVIVOR

***

My ducks are definitely not in a row.  I don’t know where some of them are, and I think that one of them is a pigeon.

***

WARNING

Visitors with no sense of humor are advised to turn back now.
Management is not responsible for any damage to feelings.

***

At this point Jesus doesn’t need to take the wheel.  He should just pull over and spank some of you with his sandal.

***

A man loses three fingers in an industrial accident.  At the hospital, he asks the doctor, “Will I still be able to drive with this hand?”
The doctor replies, “Possibly, but I wouldn’t count on it.”

***

Eyelashes are supposed to keep things from going in your eyes.  But every time I get something in my eye, it’s an eyelash.
That’s eyeronic.

Childish Humor

After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers.  “I’m busy,” he said, “I’ll do the next one.”  The next time came around and she asked again.  The husband looked puzzled, “Oh! I didn’t mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!”

***

A woman walked out of the bank and suddenly realized she didn’t have her car keys.
She rushed back inside, searched her purse, and gasped:
“Oh no—I must have left the keys in the car!”
Running to the parking lot, she froze. The car was gone.
Panicked, she called the police, reported the car stolen, and even gave them the license plate number.
Then came the hardest call of her life… to her husband.
Stammering, she said, “Honey, the car’s been stolen. I left the keys inside!”

Her husband thundered: “Are you kidding me? I DROPPED you off at the bank—you didn’t even take the car!”  The woman sighed in relief, “Thank God!”  Then she asked, “Can you come pick me up?”
Her husband replied: “Gladly… just as soon as I convince the police I didn’t steal our own car!”

***

My wife sent me a sweet text that read,
“If you’re sleeping, send me your dreams.”
“If you’re laughing, send me your smile.”
“If you’re crying, send me your tears. I love you!”

I replied, “I’m on the toilet, please advise.”

***

Dispatcher: “911, what’s your emergency?”

Caller: “Yeah, um, my wife got badly attacked by a warthog, and I need someone to come up with an ambulance to come pick her up”.

Dispatcher: “Ok, sir, can you give me your address?”

Caller: Yeah, we’re at 1825 Eucalyptus Drive.”

Dispatcher: “Ok, could you spell that for me, sir?”

After a slight pause.

Caller: “Erm, I’m going to drag her over to Oak Street, and you can pick her up there.”

Wheelie Dumb Old Car Jokes

The teenager in his battered old jalopy was pulled over by a traffic cop.  “You were doing sixty-five,” the officer told him.  “Promise me you’ll keep an eye on your speed and I’ll let you off with a warning.”

The kid said, “Oh, please give me a ticket, otherwise none of my friends will ever believe this heap could go that fast.

***

The Dumpster Cinderella called the police in a panic.  “Someone got into my garage and stripped my car!  It looks all right outside, but when I get in, I see they’ve stolen the steering wheel, the dashboard, and even the glove compartment!”

“Keep calm, Ma’am,” said the voice at the other end.  “Here’s what we want you to do.  Take a deep breath, and then go to the garage and take a good look at the doors, especially the locks.  Then call us again…. when you realize you were in the back seat.

***

The used car dealer was showing a customer a dented heap that still had most of its headlights and one and a half bumpers.  “Here’s a beauty,” he gushed.  “Only driven on Sundays by a little old lady.”

“Yeah?” said his visitor.  “As a getaway car?”

***

The customer walked around the old heap and asked the used car dealer.  “Does it have air conditioning?”

“No,” the salesman admitted, “But you get good cross ventilation…. through the holes in the floorboard.

***

The woman looked out the window on a drive through the countryside and complained to her husband at the wheel, “You don’t cuddle the way we used to when we were dating.”

He glanced over.  “Well…. I haven’t moved.

***

The pedestrian leaped back too late and went flying as the car sped through the red light.  “What are you?” he shouted, clutching his arm, “Blind?”

“Blind?” said the driver, speeding on…”I hit you, didn’t I?”

***

Bitsy was telling Betsy about her driving test.  “I liked this instructor much better than the last one.  He wasn’t always shouting when I forgot my signals or pulled out into traffic without looking.”

“Did he pass you?” asked Betsy.

“No,” said Bitsy, “He passed out”

***

The cop came up to the window of the car he’d just pulled over for some very erratic traffic maneuvers.  “Let’s see your license,” he ordered.

“Are you kidding?” the driver laughed.  “Who’d give ME a license?”

***

It had been a spectacular smash-up, but both drivers came out of it unharmed.  The driver of the red car said, “Here, you look really shook up.  Better have a bracer.”  He pulled a flask from his back pocket and passed it to the driver of the blue car.

“Thanks,” said the second man, and took a healthy swig.  “You need one too, I expect.”

“Not yet,” said the first driver.  “I’ll wait ‘til after these troopers smell your breath and fill out the accident report”

***

Fibbing Friday #291

Mixed bag from Pensitivity101’s brain last week. Your definitions or insights on these please.

1. What is an heirloom?

It’s a valuable, antique, cloth-making device that I received from my Grandmother’s estate.

2. What is The Big Dipper?

That’s what I use to serve myself hot and sour soup, at the all-you-can-eat Chinese Buffet.  I tried carrying the whole samovar back to the table – but those damned things are hot.

3. What is a titfer? (Keep it family friendly remember!!)

I’ll have to put on my thinking cap to come up with an answer for that one.

4. What is a mud flap?

That’s the fuss that’s caused by a driver who doesn’t slow down, or move aside, near a puddle and a pedestrian.

5. What is a barrel roll?

It is how the local Oktoberfest is kicked off.  Not long after, we have over-enthusiastic tourists imitating the barrel – rolling along the gutter and spewing (used) beer.

6. Why did Polly want a cracker?

Because she promised to go blue-screen-free for 6 weeks, and isn’t getting any cookies/biscuits.

7. What is meant by ‘trip the light fantastic?’

It’s what could happen if you imbibe too much liquid Christmas cheer, try to decorate the tree, and tangle your  feet in all those #$*%& cords.

8. What is a diffuser?

A member of an elite military or police branch who safely neutralize and remove explosive devices

9. What is a valet?

It’s the upmarket product line being offered by Simca Motors.  People will purchase Hyundai Genesis, and Honda Acura, but no-one has been able to stop laughing long enough to buy one of these.

10. What is a noggin?

It’s the headache/hangover caused by absorbing too much Christmas rum and egg nog.

Childish One-Liners

I now have three great-grandkids….
….OMG, LMAO, and WTF!

If the lawn mower cuts your toes off….
….don’t come running to me.

Geologists explain earthquakes….
….using faulty logic.

When I turned 70, I couldn’t recognize letters close up….
….but I can still recognize idiots from a distance.

Did you hear about the semicolon that broke grammar laws?….
….It was given two consecutive sentences.

How many grammar teachers does it take to change a light bulb?….
….Too

When I was young, there were only 25 letters in the alphabet….
….Nobody knew Y.

Did you know that cowboys’ relationships….
….tend to be stable.

Would you call a cowboy’s clothing….
….ranch dressing?

Once a month, women go crazy….
….for 30 days.

Have you ever seen fruit preserves being made?….
….It’s jarring

In order to have a Murder of Crows….
….there must be probable caws.

A group of crows is a murder….
….A group of Karens is a Migraine.

I told the wife that ‘awesome’ ends with ME….
….She replied, ‘But ugly starts with U

I don’t advertise my lip-reading business….
…..It’s all by word of mouth.

I joined a dating site for people my age….
….It’s called Carbon Dating.

I asked a woman for her number….
….She said it was 140 over 80.

I took a quiz online, “What’s your spirit animal?’….
….Mine was extinct.

I stopped going to church….
….when the Pastor fell asleep during his own sermon.

How important does someone have to be….
….before they are “assassinated,” rather than murdered?

25 A To Z Challenge – F

I have foregone a binge-watching marathon of all the Fast and Furious movies, to bring you this fabulous word that you think you know, but don’t.

FELL

Oh sure, clumsy clod, tripped over the floor and landed – SPLAT!! – on his face.  Nah…. That’s the verb form.  I’m talking about the archaic adjective version, which means cruel, or ruthless.  Unlucky people were said to be forced to live in fell circumstances.  Since both of those could involve quick treachery and betrayal, it also came to mean suddenThe carefully coordinated police drug raids rounded all the dealers up in one fell swoop.

I was going to offer you more information that you could actually use on Wednesday, but my blog is on an exercise kick.  After I exercise my right to Freedom From Religion, I’m going to Hop, Skip, and Jump over to Fibbing Friday.

Historical Blog Prompt

What major historical events do you remember?

I CANNOT TELL A LIE

Of course I can!  I’ve been doing it since long before I started blogging.  Despite previous claims, I’m not really older than dirt, and didn’t know any T-Rex by their first names.

I was born at the end of 1944.  I don’t remember any of WW II, but I do remember the rationing that lasted for several years past the end of it.  It’s why we discovered margarine and powdered skim-milk, which we switched to.

I kinda, sorta, remember the Korean War.  An older cousin joined the Canadian Air Force, and was trained to fly the first jet planes.  He was the first pilot in Canada to crash because of G-force unconsciousness.  The Korean War is still ongoing.  There was a cease-fire – an armistice – but 70 years later, it is still valid and unresolved.

I remember the space race, where the US started out behind, but came on, to put a man on the moon first.  Modern society benefitted greatly from discoveries and developments, like miniaturization of computers, microwaves, and food-drying techniques, but when the political-manufacturing combine couldn’t easily wring more money out of it, they set it on a shelf, waiting for some crazed genius like Elon Musk to come along.

I remember the Cuban revolution, where a corrupt, repressive Banana Republic, capitalist government was replaced with a corrupt, repressive, Communist one.  Americans took their dolls and went home – except for Guantanamo Bay – leaving more room on the beaches for Canadians.

I remember the Cuban missile crisis, where Russia attempted to put nuclear weapons on America’s back door.  The heroic, King of Camelot, president, John F. Kennedy stood firm and prevented it.  The Russians, as a culture, are very insecure, and worried that other peoples regard them as unsophisticated peasants.  They didn’t even have an alphabet or written language until about AD 400, when St Cyril wrote one on a mirror for them.  Russian president, Nikita Khrushchev, took off one of his shoes, and pounded on the lectern at the United Nations.  Nothing shows the level of sophistication better than that.

Suddenly, it was a time for famous Americans to die before their time.  John F. Kennedy was assassinated.  His younger brother Robert F. Kennedy was shot dead, civil-rights activist Martin Luther King was gunned down, and even-younger Kennedy brother, Ted, accidently drowned Mary-Jo Kopechne, while trying to baptize her by driving off a bridge after a party.

The day that JFK was assassinated, I was writing a grade 11 history exam.  Our history teacher, who also taught us English, burst into the examination room and announced, “While you’re writing about history, history was being made.  President Kennedy was shot.”  He stood there for at least 15 seconds, in front of 30 gape-jawed, but silent faces, and finally asked, “What??!”  The keener girl said, “Is he dead?”  “Of course he’s dead.  I just told you that.”  “No sir, you said he’d BEEN SHOT!”  Not very good communication or English usage from an English teacher.

I watched the Berlin wall go up, and experienced the Berlin Blockade, when Russia tried to strangle West Berlin by closing East German highways to supply trucks.  I cheered as thousands of cargo planes flew over the blockade in the Berlin Airlift.  I watched as The Wall was pulled down, years later, and the SSRs splintered like flakes in a snow globe.

Somewhere along the line, Billy Joel wrote and performed the song, We Didn’t Start The Fire, about 50 years of this history.  Fundamentalist Christian Buy-Bull thumpers are forever insisting that we are in The Last Days, but we are always living in Interesting Times.

TILWROT V

23 Celebrities who don’t use their real name

Once upon a time, a tribe of nomads named the Germanyė, inhabited one of the seven hills of what would become Rome.  Later, they wandered off – or were forced off. They drifted up the peninsula, and through the Alps, to the west, where they finally settled. Now they called themselves Germanotta – an Italian-ish word that meant the Germanyé people who journeyed here.

The main group split up, and various clans spread out.  Some of them took ‘Germanotta’ as a surname.  Later, Diaspora Jews settled in the same areas and some also took the name.  These clans of people, and the territories they occupied, became a group of little principalities which were collectively known as “The Germanies,” until the middle of the 1800s, when they were united into the ‘Empire of Germany.’

From one of them, a family emigrated to America, and a female descendant named Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta was born, who grew up to be the singer/performer who called herself Lady Gaga.

***

I was reading a science fiction novel about a time traveler in Tyre, in ancient Phoenicia.  To make his conversations seem like formal, upper-class-speak, the author wrote his speech in Middle-English, upper-class-speak, with an overabundance of ‘tis and ‘twas, and thee and thou.

He addressed a nosy gate-guard as a “gossoon,” and the search was on!  Gossoon means lad, or boy.  It came to English 1675/1685, from the Irish Gaelic, garsun, also meaning boy, or lad – which, in turn came from Old French, Garçon, which surprisingly, also means boy, or young, unmarried man.  That word has grown up in English when we pretentiously use it to refer to a waiter – young, old, married, or single.

***

Once upon a time – Snake Oil was real
I was viewing an article titled Un-noticed Movie Mistakes.  In Django Unchained, Django and his white mentor blow up something with red sticks of dynamite – decades before Alfred Nobel got around to developing it.

In those days, if you wanted to blow shit up, you used black powder – because the more powerful smokeless powder had also not been developed.  For large, or special, explosions, unsafe, unstable, nitroglycerine was used.  That’s why Nobel soaked it into guncotton, to make it safe and reliable.

In both the US, and Canada, when the railways were being extended to the west coast, large numbers of coolies, expendable Chinese workers, were imported to do the dangerous work.  A report said that taking the rails through the Canadian Rockies cost one Chinaman per mile.  A Canadian Minute PSA showed one Chinaman being handed a glass vial of nitro, and told to go into a cavern, and tamp it into a bored hole.  There was a muffled explosion, and a huge cloud of smoke and dust.  The foreman just assumed that the payroll had been reduced by one more, when the coughing, but smiling, man emerged.

Rail crews work hard, and the Chinese were probably made to work harder than white men.  At the end of a hard day, they were stiff and sore.  Many of the Chinese rubbed an unguent on their joints that seemed to reduce pain, and aid flexibility.  They told inquiring whites that it was Chinese snake oil.  Much later investigation revealed that the “snakes” were actually aquatic, freshwater eels, whose bodies contained Omega3 fatty acids.

With the white guys sharing it, buying it, and stealing it, the supply eventually disappeared – but not the demand – that remained as hot as ever.  The Chinese caught garter snakes, grass snakes, milk snakes, even rattlesnakes, and rendered them down.  Being land animals the results were not the same, but sometimes at gunpoint, they were forced to supply the now nonexistent magic elixir.  Of course it didn’t work – and another urban myth was born.

Past Tense Fibbing Friday

Two weeks time ago, Pensitivity101 thought you might be fed up with word definitions, so she asked you for a brief description as to what the following films/books could be about.

1.   Gray Lady Down.

That was a little PSA about “Safety In The Home,” that the wife recently did.  There are 7 steps from the stair-landing, to the ground floor.  She took 6 of them, and then stepped off into a starring role in an episode of “How I Met Your Floor.”

2.   Ladyhawke.

This was a Rom-Com that a female friend of mine had made about her life.  She gave up a lucrative, but boring, position in middle management, to become a fishmonger at the local market, where she found love, crab legs, and a killer recipe for flounder curry.

3.   Black Hawk Down.

This was a YouTube video that the son recorded, of my hopes and aspirations, my trials and tribulations, in attempting to locate a theme for this term.  Finally, tired and despondent, and reluctantly accepting defeat, I just faked it.

4.   All The President’s Men.

This was a New-Age Keystone Kops short, news broadcast, of the Secret Service agents near the recent attempted assassination of Donald Trump.  One of them reached the roof where the shooter was located, but didn’t climb up, ‘Because there was a guy with a gun up there.’  There’s putting yourself in the line of fire for The President of The United States, and then there’s Trump.  One agent received a medal for protecting the owner of a nearby donut shop.

5.   The Green Mile.

I told the wife that the guacamole had gone off, but she said, “Oh no.  It’s still good for you.  Go ahead and eat it.” I hope my Fruit of the Loom package arrives soon.

6.   The Colour Purple.

The colour purple was originally restricted to royalty and the rich, because the dye was labour-intensive and expensive to extract from snails.  Today, there are far too many hillbillies who try to aspire to the purple, when the only purple they get is when they spill their moonshine mixed with grape Slushie.

7.    50 First Dates.

I finally published, as a blog-post, the contents of a diary that I kept for years, about my (lack of) love life.  A minor film executive read it, and it was optioned by MGM (Mediocre Ghastly Movies.)  They think they have a hit.  When it was screened for test audiences, people laughed, people cried, people threw up!  They just don’t know whether to promote it as a romance, a comedy, or a horror story.

8.   Geronimo.

This is the subtitle of the next, and last, Mission Impossible movie, where Reggie doesn’t hack the airplane door open soon enough, and Tom Cruise falls to his death – and our relief.

9.   The Sum of All Fears.

Otherwise known as A Beautiful Mind, this is the story of poor Alan Turing.  When he and his fantastic brain were cracking the Nazis’ codes, and winning the war for Old Blighty, he was a hero.  When he wasn’t needed any more, he was denigrated, harassed and threatened, for being gay.  😮

10.  Stagecoach.

He’s the guy (sorta) who guides and directs the performers in theater and movie musical comedies, teaching them the correct emphasis and inflection to put on the word, “Hello.”

Definite Fibbing Friday

Melissa Lemay suggested words to Pensitivity101 from the Merriam Webster dictionary last week. Thanks Melissa.
How would you define these?

1. Narcolepsy

That is the irresistible urge that too many people have, to rat out friends, family, fellow students and co-workers for the slightest of perceived sins and social gaffes.  It is often noticed first in elementary school.  Miss Whittington!  Miss Whittington??!  Jason is drawing with a blue pen – not a black one, like you said to.  Too often, it continues well into their working lives, and doesn’t stop until the police and/or ambulance arrive.

2. Antediluvian

She was my Father’s ‘strange’, don’t ask – don’t tell, sister, back before ‘gender-fluid’ was invented.

3. Serrefine

That’s how the grandson describes the new, female, Jewish, foreign-exchange student in his calculus class, who looks like Gal Godot’s younger sister.

4. Guetapens

That’s a cold soup that Mexicans make, out of ice cubes and jalapeno peppers.

5. Promiscuous

This word describes the system that I use when I am trying to compose a post, or quietly read a book, and the wife discovers yet another chore for me to do.
Do you absitively, posolutely guarantee to empty the dryer when it stops, and fold all the towels??
You got it, Pontiac!

Promise her anything, but give her Arpege.

6. Tendentious

This word describes neighbour Bob’s driving abilities – or lack thereof – although I believe he’s up to 12 or 13 dents by now.  He hadn’t owned his new car a whole year, before he’d wrinkled all four corners.  Apparently he drives by ear, because he didn’t pay for the White-Cane option.

7. Kismet

He was/is the host of the old Muppet Show.

8. Autochthonous

This was drive-in services at the Satanic Temple, during COVID.

9. Macerate

This is what police officers might do to you, when they pull you over for speeding and/or dangerous driving, and you refuse an order to get out of your car.

10. Gladiolus

It was a movie, starring Russell Crowe, as a Roman general, sold into slavery, and forced to fight for his life in the coliseum.  It was a fairly good movie, and he was a fairly good actor, until he rolled over onto his Anti-Semitic side.  In vino veritas!