Tag Archives: profanity

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Fibbing Friday #278

Last week Pensitivity101 asked, How’s your history and general knowledge? (I’m old enough to have lived through most of it, so you may see the occasional reference to Plato, or Julius Caesar)

1. Which Monarch famously said ‘I know I have the body of a weak and feeble woman, but I have the heart and stomach of a king?’

Queen Latifah

2. What is the rarest blood type in humans?

Canadian blood – we’re Eh-positive

3. Who wrote the novel Brave New World?

Elon Musk!  It was going to be the tale of using SpaceX to terraform and colonize Mars, but it became a how-to manual about surviving the last Trump.

4. Which famous composer was deaf for much of his later life?

Eric Clapton – in the beginning, his group played so loud that the Cream clotted.

5. What was the name of Rick’s nightclub in the movie Casablanca?

In honor of a broken knee that he got while on a drunken bender, he called it the Gin Joint.

6. What is the world’s largest species of penguin?

The one in the Batman movies

7. Who was the first female Prime Minister of the UK?

Lloyd George’s grandsomething – Boy George

8. Which painter cut off part of his own ear?

The contractor who was renovating the Roman coliseum.  He heard Marc Antony say “Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears,” and he wanted to Make Rome Great Again.

9. What is the most widely spoken language in the world by number of native speakers?

Profanity

10. Who were the Axis Powers of WW2?

Argentina and Uruguay  A lot of Germans who would have been considered war criminals, quietly spun out of sight in Europe, and rotated across the Atlantic, to become preferential citizens of these countries – because they preferred to bring gold with them.

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Fibbing Friday #270

Pensitivity101’s theme last week was What The H?

1. What is halitosis?

Better than no breath at all

2. What is an hallucination?

A wet dream about Charlie Brown’s girlfriend.  Not me!!  I’m not into that sort of thing.  Tonight I hope to have a dream about Wilma Flintstone.  She’s kinda sexy in that fur bikini.

3. What is hell?

Hell is other people.
Hell is working in retail – on Black Friday.
Hell is being a Starbucks barista.
We can’t go to Hell – ‘cause we’re already there!

4. What is a hurricane?

A short stick with a curved top that helps old geezers like me to hobble a little faster

5. What is ham fisted?

That’s Cousin Clay, at any family Thanksgiving dinner.  By the time he’s got his Fair Share, the kids are eating tofu burgers.

6. What is the hokey cokey?

It’s a ritualistic little party dance, engaged in by revelers who absorb their recreational medication through their nostrils.  I was addicted to it for a while, (the dance!  Not the drug) but I turned myself around.  The hokey-pokey is a ridiculous little jail, like the one in James Garner’s movie, Support Your Local Sherriff.

7. What is hoosegow?

See above.  Great line from the movie, “He tricked me, Pa.”

8. What is a higgler?

ERROR 404
No Inspiration Found

9.What is a hogger?

I’ve already mentioned Cousin Clay.  He was recently escorted off an airplane because he was occupying two seats – only one of which he paid for.  The airline thought they were going to have to make two flights.

10. What is a hodge?

Also known as a longhouse, it was the communal housing building that the Squamish Indians of Canada’s British Columbia used to live in.  Nowadays, they all have nice, individual homes that are better than those of taxpayers who fund them.

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Definitely Fibbing Friday

Familiar words from Pensitivity101 last week, but my definitions are interesting and amusing!

1.What is a didgeridoo?

That’s the stuff that I have to scrape off the bottom of my fringed lizard’s cage.

2. What is a wombat?

That’s the one that was ruled illegal at the cricket open, when it was found to be bored and corked.  A little Marshall Plan donation from American Major League Baseball.

3. What is a jerry can?

The washroom at the local schnitzel restaurant

4. What is a beaker?

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew’s assistant on The Muppet Show.

5. What is a photofit?

That’s why there are so few pictures of me.  Cameras with fisheye lenses are not common.

6. What is meant by pluck?

I don’t want to harp on it, but that is a musical term.

7. What is a cat nap?

90% of my feline pets’ lives

8. Where will you find a winder?

Much against my desires and better judgement, I allowed myself to be enrolled in a post-heart surgery Cardiac rehabilitation exercise program.  The winder is an inclined treadmill.  20 minutes on that has me huffing and puffing.  If God had meant us to walk, He would not have invented Uber.

9. What is a crosshair?

It’s what’s on top of my head each morning.  I used to say that it looked like I combed it with a pillow.  Now, it’s more like it had a midnight tussle with an industrial blender.

10. What is an effigy?

My usual style of speech, when I have to deal with the world at large. I sound like a chicken with Tourette’s syndrome.   #uck, #uck, #uck

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Give Me Liberty, Or Give Me Death

Those who give up freedoms for security, will receive neither.

Police do not want to enforce the laws.  They want peace and quiet.

Sadly, so do too many citizens, at the expense of their, and others’, guaranteed rights and freedoms.  I hear apologies and excuses like, “Somebody nosing around the back of a police station could be setting a bomb, sabotaging vehicles, or planning an ambush shooting. People pushing their rights should think about how they look to those they are pushing against.”

All of that is true.  HOWEVER….  Anticipating that police are often required to make difficult decisions quickly, cool-minded, forward-thinking planners have established a whole directory of rules and regulations, tactics, plans, procedures, policies and protocols, strategies, statutes, and laws that should be followed in any problematic situation.

The US Supreme Court has ruled that ‘suspicion’ is not a crime, and that investigation must be carried out before slapping handcuffs on someone and hot-boxing them in the back of a cruiser.  Police are not allowed to definitely break the law, just because a citizen might be doing something illegal.

A well-known Florida auditor travelled to a small Georgia city, also well-known for mistreating homeless, panhandlers, transients…. and auditors.  He stood right outside the city hall, with a large cardboard sign that read “FUCK City Hall.”  Immediately, the mayor and three police officers appeared.  At first, they tried to claim that he was ‘soliciting’ (panhandling – which the US Supreme Court has ruled is an appeal for social assistance, and protected First Amendment speech) but he quickly rebutted that, and claimed freedom of speech.

They were obviously more enraged at this act of rebellion, than the content of the sign, but made a big deal about it, claiming that the word ‘FUCK’ was an obscenity that the city had a bylaw against.  He informed them that, again, it was protected free speech.

Several times they demanded and ordered him to leave.  Several times he demurred, citing the Constitutional right to redress of social grievances on the steps of city hall.  The attacks grew sharper and stronger.  Finally, he said,  “What are you gonna do, if I don’t leave?”  “You will be arrested and charged.”  “I don’t want to be arrested, because then I would have to sue you for violating my Constitutional rights.”  “Go ahead and sue, smart guy!  I don’t give a shit about your Constitutional rights!” – an attitude mirrored by far too many police officers.

“Okay, under threat of arrest, I will leave.”  “Too late!  If you wanna play the game, you have to pay the price.  You’re under arrest.”  The actual, final outcome of this altercation was probably strongly influenced by the handsy female Negro cop, who was clearly seen and heard on camera to say, “If we can’t do it the right way, we’ll do it our way.”  A year later, the Georgia Supreme Court ordered that all records of his arrest and charges had to be expunged.  The unlawful panhandling and obscenity bylaws had to be rescinded.  The mayor had to issue an official, printed apology, and ensure that a digital copy was posted on the city’s website, and an unspecified amount of punitive damages had to be paid.

King James (Yeah, That King James – the one with the Bible) once said, “It is better that a thousand innocents be tortured to death, than that one witch be allowed to live.”  It is disheartening that the actions and attitudes of petty tyrants have not improved appreciably in four hundred years.  😮

Original post here

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Wifely One-Liners

My wife still hasn’t told me….
….what my New Year’s resolutions are.

She asked if she could have a little quiet while she made dinner….
….so I took the batteries out of the smoke detector.

I had a vasectomy so that my wife wouldn’t get pregnant….
….All it did though, was change the color of the baby.

I told my wife that my Mom was deaf, so speak loud and slow….
…..then I told my Mom that the wife had something wrong with her.

Without my loving wife….
….I would have no clue of all the things I do wrong.

A lethal dose of something….
….is also a lifetime supply.

What do you call fancy profanity?….
….Cursive.

I don’t use profanity….
….I speak trucker, with a sailor accent.

Beer does not make you fat….
….It makes you lean – against things.

I wonder if people look both ways….
….before they get on my F#@king nerves.

Lead me not into temptation….
….Who am I kidding??  Follow me.  I know a shortcut.

I actually prefer tinnitus….
….to Christmas music.

I’m in an abusive relationship….
….with the cost of living.

My mind thinks I’m 25….
….My body thinks I’m an idiot.

LIFE….
….Not as fun as advertised – 3/10 rating – Proceed with caution.

People say that I act like I don’t give a shit….
….I’m not acting.

You have to pay some people to be good….
….Not me!  I’m good-for-nothing.

There are two kinds of people….
….1.  Morning people 2. People like me, who want to slap morning people.

It’s just a matter of time till they add….
….the word SYNDROME after my name.

Name a book that made you cry….
….Algebra.

No need to drive me crazy….
….I can walk from here.

In our family, we don’t hide crazy….
….We put it on the porch and give it a beer.

😀

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Scriptural Humor

It cannot be found in the scriptures, but one story has it that upon his resurrection, the Lord appeared to a certain fisherman.

“I am Jesus – My death has saved all who do or will believe, and I am returned to show the Father’s love and power.“

“No, you’re not Jesus, so bug off, you’re scaring all the fish,” answered the old fisherman.

“I see thou are full of doubt. What would thou have me do to show who I am?“ replied the Christ.

“Walk across the river,” he tells Jesus.

So Jesus starts walking across the river. Next thing, he sinks and disappears under the water. After he swims back to shore, the old man says to him, “There you are, see, you’re not Jesus, you can’t walk across water!“

Jesus responds, “Well, I used to be able to do it until I got these darned holes in my feet!“

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I remembered to spring forward….
….but I think I pulled a muscle, doing it.

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A group of Americans were touring Ireland.  One woman in the group was constantly grumbling: The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It’s too hot. It’s too cold. The accommodations are awful.

The group reached the site of the famous Blarney Stone. “Kissing the Blarney Stone brings good luck all your life,” the guide explained. “Unfortunately, it’s being cleaned today, so no one can kiss it. Maybe we can return tomorrow.”

“We can’t be here tomorrow,” the cantankerous woman snapped. “We have another dull tour to attend. So, I guess we can’t kiss that silly stone.”

“Well,” the guide replied, “it’s said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you’ll receive the same good fortune.”

“I suppose you’ve kissed the stone,” the woman scoffed.

“No, ma’am,” the exasperated guide responded, “but I’ve sat on it.”

***

I caught my great-grandson chewing electrical cords, so I had to ground him.  He’s doing better currently though, and conducting himself better.

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Everything happens for a reason.
Sometimes the reason is that you’re stupid, and make bad decisions.

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Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar.
Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in.
It’s currently half empty…

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Telemarketing One-Liners

How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb?….
….Only one – but he has to do it while you’re having dinner.

My colonoscopy wasn’t the most fun I ever had….
….but it was way, way, up there.

Who was Alexander Graham Kowalski?….
….The first telephone pole.

Can someone tell me what the lowest military rank is?….
….Every time I ask, they say, “It’s private.”

Some years ago, I discovered the meaning of Life….
….Unfortunately, I forgot to write it down.

A true friend is one who thinks you are a good egg….
….even if you’re a bit cracked.

I’d rather be “Over the hill”….
….than under it.

I was asked to name all of Canada’s Prime Ministers….
….I thought they already had names.

At an interview: Describe yourself in three words….
….Me: Not good with numbers

I always wanted to be someone…..
….Now I realize I should have been more specific

I did my first nude painting today….
….The neighbors aren’t happy, but the front door looks great.

If I’m reading their lips properly….
….the neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.

I am a Ripple-Dip-Chip….
….strangely curved, and extra salty.

I joined a procrastinators group….
….It’s called “Wait Watchers”

Some days, the supply of available curse words….
….is not sufficient to meet my demands

I don’t know what my ‘spirit animal’ is….
….but I’m pretty sure it has rabies.

I hate people who use physically-impossible metaphors….
….They make my blood boil.

What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible??….
….An Eighth-eist

I ate Rice Krispies as a kid….
….now when I stand, I “Snap, Crackle, and Pop.”

Turns out a home DNA kit….
….is not a good baby shower gift.

I recently tried to write a book on plants….
….I should have used paper.

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’22 A To Z Challenge – V

HUSBAND-SPEAK – or – LONG-MARRIED-LANGUAGE
How to say a lot, without saying anything

What do you want for supper? – HMmmh?
Archon, I’m talking to you!  Are you paying attention??! – Uh-Huh!
Shall I make Mac-and-Cheese? – Unh-Unh.
What about liver and onions? –Ggcck!!
How about some potato pancakes?– OOOyum!
We got our credit card statement today.  We owe $1200 this month. – Oooff!
My sister called.  She’s coming to visit, Sunday. – Tthththbbh.
She says you should get your ass off the couch, and get more exercise. – Humph!

And now, some words about words that aren’t actually words.  They are

VOCABLES

any word, either written or spoken, regarded simply as a sequence of letters or spoken sounds, irrespective of its meaning – like Tabernacle – pronounced Tabber-nack – Which French-Canadians use as profanity.  Or Sapristi – which is used as an expression of surprise, or a meaningless intensifier.

a vocal sound intended to carry meaning;

I know how to keep my mouth shut.  I almost starved to death one time.  Wouldn’t tell my parents that I was hungry.  Never again!!  I better not keep this up, or I’ll end up saying nothing about everything.  The only things quieter would be a nod, or a head-shake, but you’d still hear the marbles rattle, and perhaps a few fall out.

Don’t slip on any when you come back on Wednesday for a bonus comedy post.   😆

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Superstitious Fibbing Friday

It was Friday the 13th so last week, Pensitivity101’s selection was based on superstitions.

Make up your own reasons for these please:

  1. Why were people given middle names?

So that children could know just how pissed Mom was at them this time.
Margaret Elizabeth Robertson, you get in here this minute.

2. Why do we cover our mouths when we yawn?

To keep all the stupid from leaking out.

3. Why do we say ‘Bless You’ when somebody sneezes?

It’s a code phrase, meaning, Keep it down.  I’m trying to quietly enjoy a mint julep here.  One of my cats complains almost every time I sneeze.  It’s a ritual begun by vocally-impaired southern belles.  If a Georgia matriarch smiles, and says Bless you, or Bless your heart, you can translate it as F**k you very much.

4. Why do we wear a wedding ring on the third finger of the left hand?

Because, if we wore it on the middle finger, it would impair our ability to converse with taxi drivers and politicians.

5. What was the original use of wind chimes?

Obviously, to irritate those irritating neighbours.

6. What was the original purpose of bridesmaids?

It was a way to screw over poor Jacob, in the Bible, and get another 7 years of free labor from him, by substituting Rachel for Leah in the marriage-bed, following a drunken spirited wedding celebration.

7. What is the significance of the first butterfly of the year you see being white?

Probably that you live north of the Mason-Dixon Line, and you can thank your cotton-pickin’ lucky stars that you do.

  1. What does it mean if your right ear itches?

That you’re going to have to listen to another fool, and probably kiss your pension goodbye.

9. Why is Good Friday a good day to cut your hair?

For forty days, you’ve been cut off from good food and drink, and maybe even sex.  Cutting off a little hair is the thing you’ll feel and miss the least.

10. What should you give a friend who gives you a knife as a gift?

A wide berth!  😳

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Tell Me If You’ve Heard This One – VII

I put up the image that says that I Love English, but most of these words come from Latin, Greek, French, Hawaiian, Scottish and Spanish.  English loves immigrants – voluntary or not.  😀

‘a’ā  – [ah-ah] (Hawaiian) Basaltic lava having a rough surface
Mount Kilauea’s ‘a’ā surface flow made for a difficult hike.

ARETE – The aggregate of qualities, as valor and virtue, making up good character
He demonstrated arête by rescuing the kitten from the tree.

ARGUS-EYED – having keen sight, vigilant, watchful
It was important that the sentry was argus-eyed, guarding the castle against foes.
Argus – late Middle English: from Latin, from Greek Argos, the name of a watchman in Greek mythology who had a hundred eyes. After he was killed by Hermes, Hera used his eyes to decorate the peacock’s tail.

BLITHESOME – lighthearted, merry, cheerful
The children’s birthday party had a blithesome atmosphere.

CAŇADA – No, no!  Not my favorite Home and Native Land
(Spanish) A small, deep canyon [kuh n-yah-duh]
Actor Ron Canada isn’t from The Great White North.  He came from a hole in the ground in Mexico.

E-TAILING – The selling of goods and services on the internet or through email solicitation
As long as they don’t wake me, or tie up my phone, trying to sell me duct-cleaning in Pakistani.

GERONTOCRACY – Government by a council of elders
A governing body consisting of old people
A state or government in which old people rule
Despite being one, I was going to say that the old farts have screwed things up enough, let the younger ones have a chance.  Then Canada elected [Trudeau Junior], and the Woke stupidity started to really pile up.

GLABELLA – The flat area of bone between the eyebrows, used as a craniometric point
He had a unibrow, a straight line across his glabella.

GLAIKIT – foolish, giddy, flighty
Scottish author Irvine Welsh’s stories are filled with glaikit – the strange and particularly clownish behavior of his Glaswegian characters.

HYPOGEAL – underground, subterranean
Plants that show hypogeal germination grow relatively slowly, especially in the first phase.

NETIQUETTE – The rules of etiquette that apply when communicating over computer networks, especially the internet
Internet trolls display little to no netiquette, often insulting others online.

PARTRICIAN – A person of noble or high rank; aristocrat
A patrician by birth, she was seen as a suitable match for the prince.
Note!  Does not apply to Meghan Markle – see courtesan, or gold-digger

PATULOUS – spreading widely from the center
The tree’s patulous branches gave the family a lot of shade.

SHIPPEN – Dialectical, British – a cow barn, or cattle shed
The cattle had to seek shelter in the shippen before the storm arrived.

TABERNACLE – A house of worship; specifically, a large building or tent used for evangelistic purposes
A receptacle for the consecrated elements of the Eucharist, especially an ornamental locked box used for reserving the Communion hosts.
Also – a swear-word-light, often used by predominantly French-speaking Canadians.

VERJUICE – An acid liquor made from the sour juice of crab-apples, unripe grapes, etc., formerly much used for culinary and other purposes

WHOOP-DE-DO – [hoop-dee-doo – hwoop – woop]
Lively and noisy festivities, merrymaking
The festive party was their annual New Year’s Eve whoop-de-do.

I just got the word that enough is enough, and it’s time to move on.  1960’s garage rock says that Surfin’ Bird is the word.  Have a listen.  😀