TILWROT VII

I read a sword-and-sorcery fantasy book in which paladins were repeatedly mentioned.

Off down the rabbit hole I went.

Things I Learned While Researching Other Things

The modern definition of paladin, is guard, or protector.  It comes from the 12 mythic, ninth-century knights of Emperor Charlemagne of France, who went around rescuing maidens, slaying dragons, and protecting abused peasants – the story of Camelot, King Arthur, and Lancelot and the boys, but told in French.  It comes from palatin, a guard at the Roman Emperor’s palace, on the Palatine Hill.

In the westerns-littered late 1950s, there was a somewhat different TV series.  The protagonist passed out business cards which read HAVE GUN, WILL TRAVEL- wire Paladin.  I always thought that Paladin was his name.  Either my parents did not know the meaning of the word, or they thought that 10-year-old-me already did.

This character was the man with no name, 30 years before Clint Eastwood’s. It was never given.  In one episode, an interested bystander asks him what his name is.  He merely replied, “Paladin,” earning the snarky response, “Of course it is.”

With his quick and deep brain-power, he was more of a frontier private investigator, than a gunfighter.  Aside from his formidable wits, his main armament was the Colt Peacemaker .45 caliber Cavalry model, six-shooter revolver.  It had the 7-1/2 inch barrel, 2-3/4 inches longer than the standard Gunfighter model.  Not exactly like Lee van Kleef’s 12 inch Buntline Special version, but capable of discharging bullets at a higher speed, and accurate at greater distances.

One of three books written about the character, and the series, suggested that his name was Clay Alexander, and that he was a college-educated graduate of West Point, but no other information source close to the production verifies that.

Save-My-Ass Fibbing Friday

It was a mixed bag from Pensitivity101 last week, including a few recycled questions from older posts.

***

Again, many thanx and much credit to daughter, LadyRyl.  I’d have had them all done on time. (Sure I would)  She just got most of them done much sooner.

  1. What is a quaver?

Where Cupid keeps his endless supply of arrows

  1. If you didn’t know a door as a door, what would you call it?

A portal guard

  1.   007 has a license to kill, but what would an 010 have a license for?

Having looks that kill – but not like Medusa

  1. Define Corybantic.

He was the Flash-In-The-Pan ‘80s’ Canadian teen heartthrob Cory Haim – a none-too-big frog, in a not very large pond.  He did one TV series, 12 movies, a kilo of coke, and a great funeral.

  1. What does Crinkum-crankum mean?

Isn’t this the way we used to start cars and tractors back in the day?  Breaking our backs in the process?

  1. What is a Cacodemon?

What you call a Mochachino…
A coffee & hot chocolate blend that summons the spirit within to rise and get on with the day.

  1. What would you do with a collop?

Use it to put a dollop of clotted cream on biscuits, scones and cakes.

  1. What is a curlicue?

The line that wraps around the internet when hot tickets go on sale.

  1. Who or what is a cootie?

This is the feminine version of “old Coot”

  1. What is an erf?

The strange sound a dog makes when they burp.

Switch-Hitting Fibbing Friday

Frank, over at PCGuyIV, helped out Pensitivit101, and posted this list last week.  Your best lies, please.

1. Why is he called “Dr. Who”?

Because we first met him 50 years ago, when we were all young and curious.  Now that we’re all old farts, it’s more like “Dr. Whuh???!”

2. What happened after the final episode of M*A*S*H was aired that made it newsworthy?

Thirty million toilets flushed simultaneously, crashing the water supply systems in New York, L. A. and other cities for half an hour, until straining pumps could refill reservoirs.  Firemen had to improvise.

3. What do The Dick Van Dyke ShowThe Andy Griffith Show, and The Mary Tyler Moore Show all have in common?

The titles all start with the word “The” and end with the word “Show.”

4. What 1990s’ sit-com is about a group of six acquaintances living in Manhattan?

That was “Seinfeld,” with Gerry, Elaine, George, Cosmo Cramer, Neman the postman, and the Soup Nazi.

5. What is the TV show, NCIS, about?

About six years too long.  It’s hard to chase down criminals when you’re pushing a walker, and wearing support hose.

6. What does CSI stand for?

That is a secret network code that means, ‘If the original was successful, and made boatloads of money, we will continue to present spin-offs until the suicide rate rises significantly.’  “Coming next season, CSI: Kankakee, and its British cousin, CSI: Tynemouth.

7. The TV show, Bull, though dealing with court cases, isn’t about a law firm. What kind business or organization does the show center around?

It is a high-interest, mob-owned bail-bond service.  If you don’t pay off the charges, there are two chances that you’ll end up in hospital – selling a kidney to make the payment, or from injuries sustained, falling down a flight of stairs – three or four times.  No bull!

8. What planet were they searching for in the original Battlestar Galactica?

Tau Ceti 16.  The crew had had enough of battling Cylons, and wanted at least a temporary respite, on the world that Barbarella landed on.  Who could forget Jane Fonda in the nude – or the Orgasmatron??  I originally watched it in French, and never noticed the dialogue.

9. What was the inspiration for the animated show, The Flintstones?

To make as much money with a cartoon, as the first James Bond movie, Dr. NoOh, do you mean, What was it based on??  The Honeymooners.  Bam! POW! To da moon, Alice – or was that The Jetsons??!…..

10. In the original Star Trek, what exactly was the 5-year mission of the USS Enterprise?

To foist Canadian, William Shatner on an unsuspecting American audience.  Shatner, Celine Dion, Justin Bieber, Shania Twain – Americans just never seem to get the joke.  How else to explain T J Hooker, or Boston Law??

Fibbing Friday On Foot

Pensitivity101 wanted me to put my best fib forward to define/explain these:  Since it’s a constant contest to determine which foot is the least Klutzy and clumsy, it took a while to complete this list.

1. Creps

Those are skinny little pancakes that the French spread with frog-jelly, and claim are gourmet food.

2. Tekkies

Retro Sci-Fi TV fans with a spelling deficiency from modern (lack of) teaching methods.

3. Loubs.

They are the heavy-duty horse-shoes that are put on the Budweiser Clydesdale horses.

4. Red Bottoms

The lower half of the old ‘Union Suit.’ – as opposed to the one-piece version with the trapdoor in the back.  Americans, with constant indoor temperature from gas-heating, have no idea what I’m talking about, but many British remember.  As Pensitivity said to her Russian-heritage husband, when the fireplace burned low, “Peter, the grate!”

5. Wookies

Desperate Christian Apologists, who frantically deny evolution, and loudly declaim that, ‘We didn’t come from monkeys – or chimpanzees!’ – haven’t met my relatives.  My redneck cousin Lemmy was the co-pilot of the Millennium Falcon spaceship in those Star Wars movies.  His son got the role of ‘Cousin Itt,’ in The Addams Family TV series.

6. Mandal

He’s Barbie’s platonic male friend in the new live-action movie.  Not every gay guy says ‘Hello’ – but…. Hello!   🙄

7. Chucks

These are meat cuts, peculiar to the way American butchers disassemble a steer.  But then, there’s a lot of ways that Americans are peculiar.  Chuck steaks – chuck roasts – a meat-cutter named Chuck – what Poirot’s Inspector Japp might call a fag end.  Here in Canada, most of that ends up as ‘hamburger’/ground beef.

8. Beaters

Every car that I’ve ever owned!  😳  In 55 years of marriage, only the most recent vehicle was purchased new.  In seven years, it has struck, or been struck, five times.  Only a week ago, I had someone’s front license-plate mounting screw, impaled in my rear (rubber) bumper.  👿

9. Gutties

Marketers market – not what you want.  Salespeople sell – not what you need.  A new subdivision is a place where they tear out all the trees…. and then name the streets after them.  I have never lived in a house where I had to worry about leaves blocking the eavestrough – a Canadian term, meaning the gutter at the eaves of a building.

Recently, as I play solitaire or Mahjong, I get adverts for Gutties, a long, narrow, flexible plastic sieve, or a semi-rigid plastic colander, to be attached over the eavestroughs.  The cost of Gutties in Kitchener may amaze you.  More like ‘appall!’  👿

10. Fuma

This is the break when the illegal-immigrant Chicano restaurant kitchen staff, go out back to smoke weed.

I’m off my diet, and off my meds??! You’re on your own. 😎

Why I Am An Old Codger

Cadge

WHY I AM AN OLD CODGER

By Emeritus Archon

Mrs. Upshall, and my fellow Grade Four classmates

What is a codger?  I bet you thought that I knew everything about English language words.  I know I did!

The same extinct British TV show which brought us the word manky, as well as the more recent phrase, ‘Stone the Crows,’ also recently taught me why I am an old codger.  I have accepted (bitched about it – but accepted) that I am old, since I turned 60 – but, codger?

In ancient times – and not-so-ancient times – birds of prey were important to royalty and nobility as a symbol of swift, destructive power.  Eagles, hawks and falcons were common on heraldry and coats of arms.  The bigger the dick lord, the more birds he might own.  A king could have 15 or 20.

Each and every one of them must be exercised every day, by the bird trainer.  They must be taken away from the castle where they roost, to an open patch of ground, so that they can be flown, one at a time, trained to attack prey, and brought back to the trainer, using a bait, swung around and tossed into the air at the end of a stout cord.

That’s the trainer’s job, but whose job was it to get all these birds to and from the castle – and how?  A device called a cadge was invented (See above photo).  It’s like a small end table with no top, and upholstered rails for birds to cling to.  It has shoulder straps to support the weight when a person stands inside it.  10 to 20 birds, at three or four pounds each, can be quite a load.

Strong young men were better employed for other uses.  It was usual for older men to tote this thing around.  Dictionaries are not sure where the name cadge came from.  Some feel that it originally might have been ‘cage.’  Others, (which I agree with) feel that it’s a development of ‘carriage.’  The poor lout who got burdened with it became known as a cadger.  Pronunciation drift eventually changed that to codger.

So, that’s the story of how I came to be what I am – a flighty old man, forced to help support and train a bunch of bird-brains.  I come by my title of Grumpy Old Dude, honestly.  😉

Double Standard One-Liners

Comedy

If a girl sleeps with ten men, she’s a slut….
….If a man does the same thing – he’s gay

Back in my day….
….the panic buying didn’t begin until the bartender yelled, “Last call.”

I was going to do some panic buying, but then I looked at my bank account….
….All I can afford to do is panic.

Not to brag, but….
….I’ve been avoiding people since long before COVID19

Some people aren’t shaking hands because of Corona virus…..
….I’m not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper.

And the Lord said unto Moses, “Come forth and gain eternal life.”….
….but Moses came fifth, and only won a toaster.

I threw a boomerang a few years ago….
….Now I live in constant fear

I have sex daily….
….I mean dyslexia

A dyslexic man walks into a bra….

I couldn’t believe that the Highway Department called my Dad a thief….
….but when I got home, all the signs were there.

Coles’ Law….
….thinly sliced cabbage

Fact: dogs can’t perform MRIs….
….but catscan

Did you hear that Oxygen and Magnesium got together?….
….OMG

I intend to live forever….
….So far, so good

My wife accused me of being immature….
….I told her to get out of my fort

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving….
….You need a parachute to go skydiving twice

Parallel lines have so much in common….
….It’s a shame they’ll never meet

Someone stole my mood ring….
….I don’t know how I feel about that

My grandfather has the heart of a lion….
….and a lifetime ban from the zoo

Women call me ugly until they hear how much I earn….
….then they call me ugly and poor

I sent that ‘Ancestry’ site some information about my family….
….They sent me back a package of seeds, and suggested that I just start over.

Wooly Mammoth

I have the memory of a woolly mammoth….
….It’s like an elephant’s, but a little fuzzy.

My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half hour…..
….I said, “Wait, I can change.”

Stupid AutoCorrect….
….makes me type things I didn’t Nintendo

Wouldn’t it be ironic….
….to die in your living room?

Singing in the shower is all fun and games, until you swallow some shampoo….
….then it’s a Soap Opera

Some people are like old TVs….
….They need to be slapped a couple of times to get the f**king picture.

My landlord wants to talk to me about my high heating bills every month….
….I said, “Sure. My door is always open.”

I used to have a fear of hurdles….
….but I got over it

I would tell you a leech joke….
….but it would suck anyways

If a bird makes fun of you….
….it must be a mockingbird

They lived happily….
….till they got married

A good wife always forgives her husband….
….when she’s wrong.

The best way to remember your wife’s birthday….
….is to forget it once

 

’19 A To Z Challenge – Y

AtoZ2019Letter Y

Yahoo, cowboy! Saddle up that magnificent steed, and…. plod off into a cloud of dust and tumbleweeds. Today’s yewsless…. uh, useless word is

Yaud

noun Scot. and North England.
a mare, especially an old, worn-out one.

1350–1400; Middle English yald < Old Norse jalda mare

Don Quixote

It is matched with another, taken from Spanish, rocinante.
Rocinante is Don Quixote’s male horse in the novel Don Quixote by Miguel de Cervantes. In many ways, Rocinante is not only Don Quixote’s horse, but also his double: like Don Quixote, he is awkward, past his prime, and engaged in a task beyond his capacities.

Perhaps, between failing mental abilities and failing eyesight, Quixote winds up tilting at windmills, thinking that they are dragons, and that he is protecting the populace. Since he is a minor noble, like the problem of the ‘Emperor’s New Clothes,’ no-one tells him, or tries to stop him.

Bay

The original Spanish term was rosinante, (rosy) a red-colored horse, what in English, would be called a bay.

Abaddon's Gate

It is because of the above description, that the authors of both the books, and the TV series, The Expanse had the captain rename the “inherited” space cruiser, Rocinante. While formidably armed, it was a bit past its prime, and the small crew desperately used it for tasks that should be beyond its capabilities, tilting at interplanetary, and eventually, interstellar windmills.

Distracted

If I have been successful, most of you will have been so distracted by horses, TV space series, and classic literature, that you will not have noticed that 95% of this post is not about its stated subject. Instead, I have veered off at a strange angle – just like my favorite Y-shaped bridge in Zanesville, Ohio.

Y-bridge

’18 A To Z Challenge – Z

Letter ZChallenge '18

 

Zat’s it folks. “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet”, but I’m going to close out this year’s A To Z Challenge, with another word that doesn’t exist. I’m gonna call you a

Zwilnick

When a writer, particularly a science-fiction author, wishes to present a different culture, and needs words or phrases, it’s often easiest to choose and disguise one that already exists here on Earth.

In the Battlestar Galactica movie and TV series, the word for a long time period was ‘Jahren.’ In German, the word for year is jahr. Most German words which are plural, end in ‘en,’ but jahr is an exception. It means both ‘year,’ and ‘years.’ Jahren sounds German, but isn’t quite.

When E. E. (Doc) Smith wrote his Lensman series, he identified the bad guys as Zwilnicks. He even has one of the characters ask, “Why are they Zwilnicks? We call them Zwilnicks. They even call themselves Zwilnicks.” It sounds like it might be German, or Polish, but it’s just the imaginative invention of a great Sci-Fi writer.

The Star Wars universe introduced us to the planet Naboo, which may be a takeoff on Nauvoo (Illinois), one of the birthplaces of Mormon, a silly little Christian sect that promises each of its followers, an entire planet – like Naboo?? – when they die. Its original Human settlers arrived on it by accident, and it shows what a planet would look like if it were settled completely by Hindu Indians.

I am dismayed and disappointed at the number of Star Wars fanatics who refer to the ruler of the planet as ‘Padmé Amidala.’ I watched the movie (and paid attention.) She introduced herself clearly, giving both her name, and her title. She is Padmé Nabaré – Queen Amidala, – in the same way that the leader of the Catholic Church is Jorge Mario Bergoglio – Pope Francis.

In the ‘60s, the Walt Disney television show expanded, what was to be a single episode, into a three-show arc, about a 20ish Mexican beggar/grown-up street urchin, named Elfego Baca. Later language study revealed that the initial V in a word like that is pronounced like a B in Spanish, so that “Baca” is actually “Vaca.” Vaca translates to ‘calf,’ and ‘elfego’ means flatulence. I believe that some of the Spanish-speaking writers slipped one over on the English-speaking producers and audience, and aired a “Disney” show about a Chicano, derisively nicknamed ‘Calf Farts.’

That’s all the alphabetic challenge for last/this year, in English, or any other language, real or imagined. Tune in again in a couple of weeks, and see me meander down some strange lanes with the 2019 version.

Ahhh, I managed to survive another year.  Here’s to the next one!  😀

A To Z - Survivor

Challenge – Be Bored For A Week

office-worker

I tried to be bored, but the voices inside my head wouldn’t let me.

Bored

Actually, I really didn’t try, because there was only one voice inside my head – and it was mine.  I gave it a shot, but quickly found that any time I stopped thinking about everything/anything, I wound up back at my Gravatar description, researching something else that would do me no good at all, except as blog-fodder.

I tried some of that mindless Yoga contemplation – didn’t work!  As soon as I stopped thinking about blog-posts, and useless trivia, into my head popped Spring Byington.  She was a C-grade actress who only had one television series, called December Bride.  It ran from 1954 to 1959.

She played a middle-aged, divorced woman, living with her grown daughter, and everybody was trying to fix her up with another husband.  A (relatively) young Harry Morgan played the intrusive neighbor.  The gimmick was that, like Howard Wolowitz’s mother on The Big Bang Theory, his acerbic wife was often heard, but never seen.

***

In researching a trip to Detroit, MI, I found that there are several other Detroits in the US, including Detroit TX….which is near Oklahoma City….which reminded me of the Jim Croce song, Rapid Roy, where he sings about transporting illegal moonshine, “Runnin’ from the man in Oklahoma City, with a 500 gallon tank.”

How much would 500 gallons of white lightning weigh?  Hmmm – almost 4400 pounds!  Certainly not something to be carried in a stripped-down, hopped-up sedan, or even a pickup truck, and definitely not while trying to out-speed or out-maneuver State Police vehicles.

***

Almost as soon as electric rice cookers became available, the wife had to have one.  Six months later, they “New and Improved” them, by adding a tray in which you could steam things like the frozen dumplings that she likes to add to her homemade chicken soup.  Recently, on Facebitch, someone offered a new Black and Decker unit with the steamer tray, for $15.

When we went to pick it up, the irony was that it was offered for sale by a young Chinese-Canadian woman, still living with her barely-speak-English immigrant parents.  On the drive home I relaxed – and the voice in my head said ‘taffeta.’

There may be more than one of me inside, what I thought was, my empty head.  Almost immediately, the same/different voice said, ‘I’ll see you the taffeta, and raise you organdy and sateen.’  They’re all thin, bright, shiny fabrics, often used as decoration on women’s clothing.  Why would I even know that they exist, much less bring them up to myself during a car ride??!

It’s a wonder that I ever get any particular project completed, with all these odd thoughts and factoids caroming around at strange angles inside my brain, like a bumper car ride.  I’ve proved that I can’t bore myself.  I just hope that I haven’t bored you.  Stop back soon for a ham on rye post – something with a little more meat to it. 🙂

’18 A To Z Challenge – H

Challenge '18Letter H

HERMIT definition (for 10-year old boys); a man who goes off by himself

We live in a medically marvelous age.  Average life expectancy has almost doubled since my birth.  It was not always thus.

Once Upon A Time in the Old West, Ben Cartwright lived on the Ponderosa ranch, with three sons and a male cook, and not a woman in sight.  Life was particularly hard on women, especially during childbirth, with no doctor handy.

Old Ben had three very different sons.  There was handsome, intelligent Adam.  There was big Hoss, strong as an ox, and almost as smart, and there was smartass, ADHD Little Joe.  The writers may have had a back-story which explained the vast variation among My Three Sons, but many who watched the TV series were baffled.  Finally, several seasons in, they had Ben explain the history and reasons, to Joe (and the audience).

Ben brought an Eastern bride with him when he moved west to achieve fame and fortune.  She gave him Adam, and died.  Ben then married a strapping daughter of a Swedish family from Minnesota, who were moving to California.  She produced Hoss, and also died.  Finally, Ben married the daughter of a town merchant.  She died in childbirth, producing Joe.

My paternal grandfather also experienced similar heartache and heartbreak, but he didn’t have Ben Cartwright’s grit and tenacity.  When the going got tough….he became a hermit.

He married early, and had three kids, two girls, and a son whom he named Cecil – and his wife died.  With the help of an older, unmarried sister, he took care of them until the wife’s clan took them in.  This was a family that my Father was totally unaware of, until his half-brother tracked him down, after he was 65.

After a couple of years, Grandpa remarried, and again, had two girls, and then a boy, my Father, whom he named Cyril. Four years later, his second wife died while delivering another daughter.  Grandpa just disappeared, leaving the older sister, and the rest of his family, to take care of 4 kids, including a baby.

I met never-married ‘Aunt Jesse’ (actually my great-aunt) later in life.  She may have been the first instance in my life of, Don’t Ask – Don’t Tell.  Her actual name was Jezebel, but the devout Baptist would never let it be used.

I don’t know if my Father knew where his father was for almost 20 years.  When I was 4 or 5, my Dad began to take me to visit him, two miles up a concession road, off a nowhere highway.  He was living in a wooden, 2-man logging shack, by the side of the road.  It had a two bunks, a table and two chairs, a latch-string door, (look that one up) one tiny window, a wood-burning stove, no electricity, and a hand-pump for water.  The sink drained outside, but there was no bathroom….and I don’t remember an outhouse.  I used to water a nearby Maple.

After ten years of this, my Grandpa got an offer from a nearby farmer.  The farmer had bought the adjoining farm.  Now he had two farm houses, two barns, and two sets of animals, so he paid my Granddad a little, to live in one farm house, as a caretaker.

As a house, this was a big step up.  This one had central heat, hot and cold running water, a bathroom, and lights.  There was no radio, and no TV.  He had copies of the weekly paper from the nearest small town, but I never saw magazines or books.

Probably, after Dad located his Father, his three sisters (and their spouses) must have visited him from time to time, although we never met anyone else when we visited.  The farmer may have at least passed a little time with Grandpa when he came over to do chores, but he must have been alone for days – weeks – at a time.  As a loner, he makes me look like a rank amateur.

I look forward to your company here, again in a couple of days.  Recommend me to a friend – or an enemy.   😳