Tag Archives: marketing

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Fibbing Friday #266

Food for thought from Pensitivity101 last week.
Your fibby suggestions on these please.

1. What is pilau rice?

Isn’t that the stuff they feed to the Koi fish?  Fancy food for fancy fish.

2. What are eggs Benedict?

They are things that fall out of the back of chickens – and my name isn’t Benedict.

3. What is a soufflé?

That’s the big wind you have to make, to blow out all your birthday candles with one breath.  I’m not allowed to do that anymore, because it’s considered ‘Global Warming.’

4. What is baked Alaska?

Global Warming that is causing the muskeg to melt

5. What is crème Brulée?

She’s the super hot stripper exotic dancer at the high end Dancer’s Club in town!

6. What is a Victoria sponge?

That’s the birth control method that my Grandmother used, after birthing 8 kids.  Oooohh, my Grandmother having sex.  😮  I can only hope that I was adopted, or the result of Immaculate Preception.

7. What is a raspberry roulade?

A fruit-flavored anti-acid

8. What is cannoli?

That’s the Dancer’s Club that Crème Brulée performs at.
It’s set up for both men, women, and anyone in between, to enjoy and be enjoyed.

9. What is kamaboko?

That’s a type of black tea infusion, disguised as a carbonated soft drink, composed mostly of marketing platitudes.

10. What are sweetbreads?

Chelsea buns, and I haven’t had any decent ones since my little home-town bakery closed, 50 years ago.  Corporate-baked desserts are just not the way to go.

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Rosy Retrospective Fibbing Friday

Once upon a time, Pensitivity101’s theme was They don’t make them like that anymore.
You might be familiar with them, and her apologies for being biased towards the UK. but if you didn’t know what these were, what are your thoughts?

1.Mini Clubman

The first time my girlfriend saw me naked, she said, “Who are you going to satisfy with that??”  I replied, “Me!”  As David Niven once said, I’m not afraid to show my shortcomings.  Caution!  Objects in your imagination may be smaller in reality.

2.   Morris Minor

This is a constellation near Ursa Major, and Ursa Minor, but it’s not a bear.  It’s a hedgehog.

3.   Range Rover

That was “The Duke” John Wayne.  He has been replaced by Patrick Stewart.  Somehow, Pilgrim, it just ain’t the same.

4.   Hillman Imp

He’s the wee fellow who lives across the way.  Not a bad lad – not evil – but our neighbourhood’s version of Dennis the Menace – always into something – spraying the neighbour’s cat with a garden hose, if it climbs over the fence – making a battle-flag for his two-wheeler from his Dad’s golf club and his mom’s underwear.  How I envy him his freedom and fun.

5.   Datsun Violet

Nissan wanted to produce and market a low-priced car.  Soon they had plants, and equipment, and employees, and suppliers, and dealers ready.  What they didn’t have, was an advertising and promotion package, because the sales staff could not come up with a name that was agreed on.  With the deadline looming, a female marketing exec, whose Japanese name meant “Violet,” called a counterpart at Volkswagen for inspiration.  Und, how zoon do you need a name?  She answered, “By next Monday.”  Ach!  Datsun, Violet??

6.   Triumph Herald

Once upon a time, there was an Angel who could not sing in public.  God sent him to Heavenly counselling, to cure his shyness.  Now, Hark, the Herald Angel sings.  It is a triumph.

7.   Austin Cambridge

He was the 7th actor to portray Dr. Who.  He had a fantastic vehicle.  It got 1000 light-years to the gallon.

8.   Ford Capri

Capri pants are items of women’s wear that don’t reach the shoes – or even the ankles – by THAT much.  So, a Ford Capri is a vehicle that fails to be a real car – by just THAT much.

9.   Alfa Romeo

He’s “The Quicker Picker-Upper” down at the dance club.

10. Talbot Horizon

That’s the imaginary vista of freedoms that the Woke Brigade feels they should have – as long as it’s at someone else’s expense.  Today’s newspaper headlines – page one
Activist claims lowered speed limits in residential areas mean nothing without enforcement – page two
Police lay six speeding charges in school zone in one hour
wah, wah, gimme, gimme, I want, I want!  Don’t bother me with facts.  I’m busy being outraged.

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Fibbing Friday On Foot

Pensitivity101 wanted me to put my best fib forward to define/explain these:  Since it’s a constant contest to determine which foot is the least Klutzy and clumsy, it took a while to complete this list.

1. Creps

Those are skinny little pancakes that the French spread with frog-jelly, and claim are gourmet food.

2. Tekkies

Retro Sci-Fi TV fans with a spelling deficiency from modern (lack of) teaching methods.

3. Loubs.

They are the heavy-duty horse-shoes that are put on the Budweiser Clydesdale horses.

4. Red Bottoms

The lower half of the old ‘Union Suit.’ – as opposed to the one-piece version with the trapdoor in the back.  Americans, with constant indoor temperature from gas-heating, have no idea what I’m talking about, but many British remember.  As Pensitivity said to her Russian-heritage husband, when the fireplace burned low, “Peter, the grate!”

5. Wookies

Desperate Christian Apologists, who frantically deny evolution, and loudly declaim that, ‘We didn’t come from monkeys – or chimpanzees!’ – haven’t met my relatives.  My redneck cousin Lemmy was the co-pilot of the Millennium Falcon spaceship in those Star Wars movies.  His son got the role of ‘Cousin Itt,’ in The Addams Family TV series.

6. Mandal

He’s Barbie’s platonic male friend in the new live-action movie.  Not every gay guy says ‘Hello’ – but…. Hello!   🙄

7. Chucks

These are meat cuts, peculiar to the way American butchers disassemble a steer.  But then, there’s a lot of ways that Americans are peculiar.  Chuck steaks – chuck roasts – a meat-cutter named Chuck – what Poirot’s Inspector Japp might call a fag end.  Here in Canada, most of that ends up as ‘hamburger’/ground beef.

8. Beaters

Every car that I’ve ever owned!  😳  In 55 years of marriage, only the most recent vehicle was purchased new.  In seven years, it has struck, or been struck, five times.  Only a week ago, I had someone’s front license-plate mounting screw, impaled in my rear (rubber) bumper.  👿

9. Gutties

Marketers market – not what you want.  Salespeople sell – not what you need.  A new subdivision is a place where they tear out all the trees…. and then name the streets after them.  I have never lived in a house where I had to worry about leaves blocking the eavestrough – a Canadian term, meaning the gutter at the eaves of a building.

Recently, as I play solitaire or Mahjong, I get adverts for Gutties, a long, narrow, flexible plastic sieve, or a semi-rigid plastic colander, to be attached over the eavestroughs.  The cost of Gutties in Kitchener may amaze you.  More like ‘appall!’  👿

10. Fuma

This is the break when the illegal-immigrant Chicano restaurant kitchen staff, go out back to smoke weed.

I’m off my diet, and off my meds??! You’re on your own. 😎

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’22 A To Z Challenge – A

A word for our times – fake news – faux news – Fox News.  Also see: Donald Trump.

AGNOTOLOGY

Agnotology is the study of culturally induced ignorance or doubt, particularly the publication of inaccurate or misleading scientific data. The neologism was coined in 1995, by Robert N. Proctor, a Stanford University professor specializing in the history of science and technology. Its name derives from the Neoclassical Greek word ἄγνωσις, agnōsis, “not knowing”, and -λογία, -logia.  A basic characteristic of the conservative movement, since conservative beliefs regarding race, class, and foreign policy are all shown to be failures.

“Dude, all the scientists who are believe in (sic) global warming are part of a universal conspiracy to gain research dollars by destroying American industry.”

There is a cult of ignorance in the United States, and there has always been. The strain of anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that “my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge”.

Isaac Asimov, 1980

Within the sociology of knowledge, agnotology (formerly agnatology) is the study of deliberate, culturally-induced ignorance or doubt, typically to sell a product or win favor, particularly through the publication of inaccurate or misleading scientific data.  More generally, the term also highlights the condition where more knowledge of a subject leaves one more uncertain than before.

It is a disappointing fact, that there are segments of the American public who consider intelligence and intellectualism, as suspect.  😯

And so, I’m off to another great start.  I could have reserved the letter A in this year’s challenge for the word Asshole, but we’re already overstocked.  😉

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Smitty’s Loose Change #11

Smitty's Loose Change

Mad Men

BecelCeleb

Marketers/advertisers are experts at using images and words which make you believe that their products have qualities and abilities that they really don’t. Becel is a well-known brand of margarine. An Ontario food chain has named their house brand, Celeb, an inspired, but possibly illegal, turn of phrase.

They originally packed and sold it in yellow and white containers, virtually indistinguishable from the Becel, but when I went to download a photo, all I can find is the Blue, President’s Choice packaging. I suspect a restraining order.

Vertuo

Already the owner of a Keurig coffee-maker, the wife was convinced to buy a Nespresso coffee-maker. The model name is Vertuo. I believe that the name is supposed to make you think of ‘virtue’ – goodness, righteousness, excellence, admirable quality – for the machine, and perhaps ‘virtuous’ for the buyer – possessing the above qualities.

It also suggests ‘virtuoso’ – a person who has special knowledge or skill in a field. It even piggybacks on the Save The Planet/Eco movement, ‘vert/verde’ – meaning green. When I looked up the translation meaning of this Spanish word, I found that it means ‘spill.’ They’ve called their coffee-making machine a spill. 😆

IGNORANCE IS NOT BLISS

Mennonite

These are two excerpts from local marriage counselors who deal with Mennonites. They are greatly concerned with that ‘Go forth and multiply’ thing. These young folks were having trouble.

Now, talking to anyone, especially shy, withdrawn Mennonites, about the mechanics of sex, can be daunting. The first counselor finally elicited a detailed account. The young husband achieved an erection, and inserted it into his wife…. and left it there, until it went flaccid.

The counselor suggested that he withdraw it, and re-insert it, forcefully, rapidly, a number of times. At their next monthly counseling session, both of them offered profuse thanks.

Suspecting sterility, the second counselor went directly to having the husband go to a clinic to provide a semen sample. He came out of the washroom with the sample vial full of a yellow liquid. 😳 He had been urinating inside his wife, thinking that that was how to impregnate her.

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Our writing is never finished, only temporarily abandoned. We write, because one life is not enough for us.

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Mighty Carlin Has Struck Out

I recently won another argument with George Carlin. It wasn’t hard. He’s been dead for a couple of years. He liked to riff on English usage, and the Catholic Church. The two topics came together when he wanted to talk about priests taking a vow of celibacy. “No they don’t!” he insisted, “Celibacy only means that you’re not married. They take a vow of chastity.”

No they don’t!! I don’t know how the ex-Catholic thought that the Church had got it wrong all these years. They don’t care if a priest screws everything in the parish, including the goat. That’s all covered by the Ten Commandments, and can be fixed with a quick confession. The Hierarchy is only concerned that there are no legal heirs left behind who might have a claim on any estate, which they feel belongs to them. Archon – 2
Carlin – 0

 

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Buy And Sell

CB750K

My first motorcycle was little more than a scooter, an anemic little, 450 CC ‘learner bike.’ After I’d got a year’s safe riding experience, and resisted the impulse to let’er rip, I decided to trade up to something a bit bigger, more powerful, and able to carry my fat ass adult frame.

I saw a 750 CC model that I liked, advertised in the newspaper. It said, “Available to view any time” so I rode over. Somebody’s wife let me have a look at it. He had removed part of the front fairing, and dismantled the air-intake system. “Are you interested?” It seemed that she was interested in getting rid of it.

When I jostled it, there was no slosh from the gas tank, and it had sat so long that the tires were soft. It had been ignored, perhaps neglected, for some time. Probably the battery needed a charge. I told her that I wanted to know for sure that it would start, first time – every time. I wanted to hear it run, and I’d like to take it out for a short test ride. It seemed in good shape basically, with low mileage (Canadian kilometrage).

“I’ll get my husband to put it all back together and get it running some night this week, or on the weekend. Come back in a week, and it will be ready.” I didn’t get back for almost two weeks, and thought it might already be sold. No worries, it was still in parts.

“Would you like to take it?” I don’t take any pig in a poke – “I don’t think so.” “Well, I know my husband wants to sell it.” I said, “No he doesn’t. If he did, it would be ready to ride away. He wants somebody to just come along and buy it. That’s a very different thing.”

Which brings us, by motorcycle, to a recent blog-post, titled, I’m 34 And Never Been Kissed. I’d like to feel sorry for this gal, I really would. Heaven knows, she started out in life with several strikes against her. She was born and raised in a Fundamentalist Christian small town near Waco, TX. She was home-schooled by her mother, and not allowed to date, or use makeup, till she was 16.

By the time she entered the social swirl, the gals who’d been ridin’ herd on the guys, since they were 11 and 12, had them all roped in and hogtied. She saw some fellas that she was interested in, but didn’t know how to show enough interest in them, to get them interested in trading up.

It only got worse when she went to University. Her girlfriends and fellow-students were all too busy with boyfriends, and fiancés, and engagements, and weddings, and careers and/or families to even pass along some rejects.

She studied hard at school, got great marks, and got a fantastic job with a generous salary. She has a BMW, and a well-furnished condo in an upscale, security building. She has female friends that she socializes with. What she doesn’t have….is a man.

She says that she doesn’t even want a man, just for the sex. She would like someone to talk to about their life, someone to kiss her, and hold her hand, and pat her back and maybe rub her feet, and cuddle with on the couch, while they watch TV.

Her female friends tell her that to get a man, she’s going to have to put some work into it. She dismisses that suggestion by saying that she’s not going to change who and what she really is, just to trap a guy. I believe that she is mistaken, and misinformed.

There is no need to make any basic changes. She may have a wonderful product, but it needs to be marketed. She doesn’t want to leave her comfortable rut to sell herself. She just wants someone to come along and buy. Without some advertising, any suitable guys won’t even know that the product is available. 😛

 

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Flash Fiction #184

Pizza

PHOTO PROMPT © CEAyr

THE GRASS IS ALWAYS GREENER

His mother ruined his lazy summer by insisting he help his cousin Roberto open a pizza shop??! Yet another pizza shop in Florence – the home of pizza? But Roberto had an idea….

BOB’S
AMERICAN PIZZA
FINEST INGREDIENTS
FAST DELIVERY

Delivery?? We stay at home; hot food comes to us?? Great idea!!

An idea whose time had come. They did a landslide business from day one!

He had spent a glorious summer, riding up and down the winding streets of this magnificent city – and received enough tips to be able to buy his own motorcycle.

Molto grazie, cousin “Bob” – and Maman.

pizza

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Go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.

Friday Fictioneers

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Flash Fiction #148

Lance Armstrong

PHOTO PROMPT © Ted Strutz

SHOW ME THE BENJAMINS

You’re going to do WHAT??!  Ride in the Tour de France?  Are you crazy?  You get winded reading an exciting novel.  Who do you think you are, Lance Armstrong?  You don’t have the legs for it.

No, what I do have is a new kind of bicycle invented by my nephew.  He says that it passes all current regulations, but will make urban cycling so easy that Grandma could do it.  They’ll change the regs for next year, but even if I just finish the race, both the bike and I will be famous, and his sales will take off.

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Go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.