A Scot, an Englishman and an Irish man were serving in Nelson’s Navy.  As sailors then did, they broke some naval regulations.  They were each sentenced to 20 lashes.

On the day they were to get their lashes the Englishman went first. The doctor in charge told him, ‘This is going to be very painful, what do you want on your back to ease the wounds?’  ‘Just slather on goose grease’ said the Englishman

The man took his punishment and was carried to the sick bay to recover.

The Scot was next.  When he was asked the same question he replied, ‘Naethin. I’m a true Scot. I dinna need annathing.’  He took his punishment and managed to walk away and down to the sick bay

Next was the Irishman

‘What do want on your back’ he was asked.  The Irishman quickly replied, ‘The big Scotsman!’

***

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, a woman sitting next to him made a phone call and started talking loudly: “Hi sweetheart. It’s Sue. I’m on the train.

Yes, I know it’s the six thirty, not the four thirty, but my meeting went long. No, honey, not with Kevin from accounting, it was with the boss. No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life. Yes, I’m sure, cross my heart!”

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.

When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, “Sue, hang up the damn phone and come back to bed.”

Sue doesn’t use her phone in public any longer.

***

I love board games.
My favorite one is where people put meat and cheeses on a board – maybe some fruit and crackers.
I’m very good at that one.

***

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep, but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said, “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.”
Wearily, he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later, she said, “Then you used to kiss me.”
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said, “Then you used to bite my neck.”
Angrily, he threw back the covers and got out of bed.
“Where are you going?” she asked.
“To get my teeth!