Tag Archives: apps

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One-Liner Facts

Inevitable facts….
….Death, Taxes, Shipping and Handling

You can mix many things with alcohol….
….Drunk Facebook posting should not be one of them.

The space between my ladder rungs has increased….
….due to climb-it change.

I’m not good with tech….
….How do I disconnect my wife’s auto-correct function?

I have a trickle-down economics joke….
….but 99% of you wouldn’t get it

I just checked my account balance at the ATM….
….and it printed me a coupon for Ramen noodles.

I finally got eight hours of sleep….
….It took me three nights but…. whatever.

To make a long story short….
….there’s nothing like having the boss walk in.

Tips on falling asleep in a living room chair….
….#1 – Be old  #2 – Sit in a chair  #3 (optional) Recline

If your phone autocorrects F**K to duck….
….that’s still fowl language.

An optimist is the guy who invented the airplane….
….A pessimist is the guy who invented the parachute.

Don’t put words in my mouth….
….That’s where bacon goes.

Onion rings??….
….I’m answering.

I tried to use that face-aging app…
….It just said, Nah, you’re good.

I started out feeling Bold….
….then I lost my ‘B.’

I bought a new boomerang….
….How do I throw the old one out?

I’m not a perfectionist….
….My parents were, though.

I wrote a golf joke….
….but it’s a little under-par.

My boss said that I had poor communication skills….
….I was speechless.

 

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Fibbing Friday Letters

Last week, the questions were borrowed from a newsletter. When Pennsitivity101 read them, she thought there could be a lot of fun answers. Like to add yours?

1. What is Allium Sepa (Cepa)?

It is concentrated green-onion juice that is used to make the cough medicine, Cepacol.

2. What is Arran Pilot?

He (or she) is the person who guides the tourist boat from Glasgow, out to the island, for knitting tours.

3. What is a love apple?

That was what I grew, before I got fat pleasingly plump, and developed full love handles.
Are you happy to see me, or is that just a large lunch??

4. To what genus do cabbages, broccoli and cauliflowers belong?

Flatulus inducius.

5. Which vegetables were the first to be canned?

The ones caught smoking dope on the job.  To be honest, they weren’t doing much actual work anyway, and it all had to be double-checked.

6. Pepinex and Telegraph are varieties of what?

These are new dating apps, especially for those working in the communications field.

7. What is a White Lisbon?

It’s a hot new drink in Brazil, made with a liqueur distilled from fermented bougainvillea flowers.

8. What is Calabrese?

Calabrese is an American rock band that is based out of Phoenix, Arizona. The band consists of three faux brothers; bassist/vocalist Jimmy Calabrese, guitarist/vocalist Bobby Calabrese and drummer Davey Calabrese. Calabrese has been described as “Melodic, hook-laden, catchy, fun, Rock with a Punk attitude”.

9. What was described as a cabbage with college education?

Boris Johnson.  Donald Trump is a kale.  He claims to have a University degree, but he’s not as tightly wrapped.

10. What is a Pentland Javelin?

That’s what a sadly mistaken Geordie in an Edinburgh pub boastfully calls his alcohol-enfeebled manhood.  😮

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Definition Of Fibbing Friday

Last week, Pensitivity101 was asking for definitions of the following words:

  1. Eunoia


It is a viny, variegated-leafed plant that is busy covering the side of my house, and Miss Marple’s cottage.

2. Fika

That is the name of the horse that Roddy McDowell, the young British actor in a 1943 movie called, “My Friend.”

3. Redamancy

This is the already-exciting filmography of Eddie Redmayne, the British actor who played a slightly autistic xeno-zoologist in two Harry Potter prequel movies.

4. Aliferous

An adjective to describe fancy French cooking that hides things like dead snails under too much garlic sauce.

5. Peiskos

These are Neil and Bob, the two particularly, constantly annoying, redneck spawn who live next door.  They heard the term Brain Trust, and wanted to get a loan.

6. Querencia

This is a Spanish, or Latin-American, girl’s fifteenth birthday party.

7. Metanoia

There’s irritating…. and then there’s the organic level achieved by the Chaos Twins next door.  It’s so  bad, the dog now carries a gun when he goes out.

8. Ataraxia

It’s a medical condition which produces itchy palms, caused by allergies, stress, and anything you don’t want to admit to your Grandma.

9. Lagom

It’s a calm pool of water, contained and protected by a coral atoll, at resort tropical islands, where you can catch crabs…. and other assorted STDs.

10. Apricity

How come the front of Apple stores…. are all windows??

Apricity is the name of the online outlet, where you can go to spend real money to download all these fancy-damn Electronic programs that make your cell phones smarter than you are.

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’23 A To Z Challenge – N

I recently composed a post where I declared that it would be impossible to simplify and standardize the English language by using phonetic spelling, when there are groups of words like

not, knot, and naught

With well over a million words, it is inevitable that there are whole bunches of similar word-pairs and groups, with identical pronunciation, but different spellings and meanings.  How would phonetic spelling tell them apart??

I was recently made aware of a similar, related problem.  An IT Tech tried to convince me to use a voice-to-text app, to compose my posts.  I began to pay more attention to what I was seeing, and the results were dismaying, if often amusing.

In a video report about an auction of Nazi memorabilia, “Eva Braun’s dress” became have a bronze dress.  Alexa and Siri are only in kindergarten.  I’m going to wait until they and their AI friends graduate from university with an English Major diploma.

Knickerbockers were the predecessors of the magical Mormon underwear, with a Dutch accent.  In an era of Victorian prudery, they covered, with enough fabric to build a small tent.  Over time, both the clothing article and the word shrank in size, until the term, “knickers,” covered clothing articles like bikini briefs, G-strings, and thongs, which cover almost nothing.

For some reason, the British have seized upon this American term with the Dutch foundation, and use it widely.  Show us yer knickers.  But then, these are folks who think that Earl Grey tea has a vintage.

My osteopath owns a horse.  When she tells him about a proposed attempt at imposing phonetic spelling, he

NICKERS

  1. (of a horse) to neigh softly
  2. to laugh quietly; snigger    😀
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Flash Fiction #220

Nostalgia

THOSE WERE THE DAYS

The old man sat at his computer, longing for ‘The Good Old Days,’ knowing they weren’t really, what with polio, segregation and World Wars.

He tried to keep up, especially with the avalanche of technology – every month, new Smart Phones, tablets, readers, apps, games, Twitter, Facebook…. Sometimes progress could only be measured by how less quickly he was losing ground, running hard, just to stay in place.

He didn’t know how the young ones kept up. Some used methamphetamines. For the life of him, he couldn’t guess why. Surely their brains were already churning at the speed of light.

***

Click on Those Were The Days, if you’d like to hear Archie and Edith longing for the same nostalgia, then go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story

Friday Fictioneers

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Flash Fiction #208

Shopping

PHOTO PROMPT © Ronda Del Boccio

Continuing from last week’s Flash Fiction, I give you

A TEACHABLE MOMENT

The refrigerator is empty?? You two boys are going to have to pull up your socks. Guys are allowed to grocery shop. It’s in the Constitution. I gave you cash, a shopping list, and instructions to stop at the store after school.

We are not going to use the ‘Skip The Dishes’ app, and order burritos delivered, because we don’t have a Skip The Mortgage Payment option. If you felt that playing World of Warcraft was more important than getting meat and fresh veggies – we’ll make do.

Which would you prefer – olives on rye sandwiches, or cream of peach soup?   😳

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Go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.

friday-fictioneers-badge-web

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SkyNet Is Postponed

Terminator

Despite the hard labors of a lot of capable people, who work their neurons to the bone(head), A.I. (Artificial Intelligence), the SkyNet that so many people already fear, will still be some time coming.  There are a few little kinks and quirks to be ironed out.

AmphiRobot

The above photo is a screen capture from a mall security camera. What might look like a splashed-down North Korean nuclear nose-cone in a mall fountain, is actually a semi-autonomous security robot.  It’s a kind of flightless drone, with wheels, rather than wings; really, just an overgrown Roomba with a few upgrades, mindlessly ricocheting off all obstacles, human and otherwise, while constantly, wirelessly sending CCTV images back to a monitor in a security office.

One lady Apple worker from Cupertino, wanted to dance with one in San Francisco. The mere presence of these things makes people feel safe and happy.  This one just didn’t receive enough upgrades though.  Someone forgot to download the ‘@Walking On Water’ app.  It’s a good thing that it didn’t manage to bumble out the mall’s front doors.  It probably would have been run down by a self-driving car that swerved to avoid a plastic shopping bag, swirling in the wind.

They’re built by a company with the sinister name of Knightscope, evoking the thought of ‘night vision devices’. “We can see you, and know what you’re doing, even in the dark.” Our not-so-little belly flopper is Model K7.  It/they still have a long way to go, before they’re the equal of another Knight Industries self-aware vehicle, with a K-model number – the Knight Industries Two Thousand, K.I.T.T. car of TV’s Knight Rider.

😆