Tag Archives: smoking

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Cowboy Comedy

A police officer saw a man dressed with a huge cowboy hat, spurs, and six shooters in a big city.
“Excuse me, sir,” said the police officer, “What’s up with the cowboy get up?”
“My name’s Tex and I’m a cowboy, officer. ”
“The police officer said, “So, you’re from Texas?”
“Nope, Louisiana, the cowboy replied.”
“Louisiana? So why are you called Tex?”
“Don’t want to be called Louise, do I?

***

A rabbi, a priest, and an atheist walk in to a bar.

The bartender looks at them and points to a sign, labeled: “NO JOKES SERVED HERE” and asks the gentlemen to leave. They reluctantly get up and leave before any discussion between them occurs.

The next day, a horse walks in to this same bar. Once again, the bartender points to the sign: “NO JOKES SERVED HERE”. With a long face, the horse gets up from his bar stool and leaves the building.

The day after that, a chicken walks in to the bar. The bartender approaches the chicken as it sits down. He once again points to the sign and says, “I am sorry, but we don’t allow jokes to be served here.”

“Fine!” says the chicken, clucking with disapproval. “But can you at least tell me where else can I get a drink around here?”

The bartender replies, “Yeah, there’s another bar right across the road.”

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Las Vegas McCarran International Airport experienced two power outages.
Several travelers suffered broken arms beating on slot machines when they stopped spinning.

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Thank God Smokin’ In The Boy’s Room was released in 1973.  Today, it we’d have Vaping In The Gender-Neutral Area.

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I watched my first porno yesterday.  I looked so much younger back then.

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My ex-girlfriend tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends that I was terrible in bed.
Imagine her surprise when they all disagreed with her.

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I bought a new pair of shoes with memory-foam insoles.
No more forgetting why I walked into the kitchen.

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The skulls of your enemies are more environmentally friendly than plastic cups.  Just sayin’!

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’24 A To Z Challenge – R

RANT AND RAVE

About getting some

REST AND RECREATION

With lots of

ROCK AND ROLL

I discovered another pair of R&R twins – brothers from another mother, neither of them truly there.  The first is

RUACH

This is the Latin-alphabet transliteration of a Hebrew word which means (Holy) spirit, wind or breath.  Its partner today is the German word/name

RAUCH

As a word, it means smoke or fumes.  As a surname/nickname, it refers to a shaggy or unkempt person.  I found a Rauch Court (street) about a mile further up the old highway out of town from my place.  It is in what used to be a scenic little country village well-named Waldau, (which means ‘wooded,’ or ‘in the forest’) but which got swallowed up in our continuing urban expansion.  At least they left (most of) the trees.

Despite the opinions of some Bible-thumping God-botherers, I have found MEANING, but I still research a lot of meanings.  😀

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Too Weak Fibbing Friday

Last week, Pensitivity101said that we have to endure a fortnight of the Olympics, here are the other 10 questions in her newsletter this month. Fib away for gold my friends!

  1. In which four years have the modern Olympics been cancelled?

Those were years when the IOC could not locate a corporate sponsor.  Individual competitors can be banned, even if they just worked as a barista at Starbucks during college, to keep body and soul together, but just look at the product placement in the TV broadcasts.

  1. When were women first permitted to compete in the modern Olympics?

It was during the Roaring 20s, when they still had co-ed changing rooms.  Happy Days Are Here Again!

  1. When did the first Refugee team make its debut?

When the Roman armada rowed into Athens harbour.

  1. What does the Olympic motto “Citius, altius, fortius” mean?

It means that the smog over Paris is getting thicker by the moment.  Frenchmen smoke like it’s mandatory.  The name of the popular brand, “Galois” means floor sweepings and rat droppings.

  1. What do the five Olympic rings represent?

The five sunny-side-up fried eggs that I had for breakfast this morning.  Just ask Dagwood.  He’ll confirm it.

  1. Who is the most decorated modern Olympian, with 23 Olympic gold medals?

That would be Donnie the Dip, the world’s slickest pickpocket.  He specializes in getting into Olympic locker rooms and change areas, using keys and badges that he snaffles from officials’ pockets, and manages to snag a medal or two at each set of games.  I’m sure that he’s picked up one or two more this past fortnight.  He intends to melt them down, and cast them into fake Oscar statuettes – items that have some actual worth.

  1. Which two countries discovered they had the same flag at the 1936 Olympics?

That was Afghanistan, and Zimbabwe.  They thought that they were the farthest away from each other, alphabetically, and no-one would notice.  Then they realized that they were side-by-side, when a new list was started.

  1. At the 1908 Olympics the City of London Police team won the gold medal in which event?

It’s not clear whether it was interpretive riot-quelling, or competitive belling.  Back then, they used real bells.  Research results are a bit hazy, because records are heavily redacted – or maybe someone’s inkpot just got knocked over.

  1. Which city will host the Summer Olympics for the third time in 2028?

That will be Delhi, India.  They will be known as the Schistosomiasis Games, and all participants are promised a parasite to take home with them.  Tons of brightly-coloured powders to throw around, are already being manufactured out of bat guano and elephant droppings.

  1. Who founded the modern Olympics?

Elon Musk did.  Not finding them profitable, or exciting enough, he traded them in for Twitter – which he later Xed out – and a son, to be named Later.

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Fibbing Friday Letters

Last week, the questions were borrowed from a newsletter. When Pennsitivity101 read them, she thought there could be a lot of fun answers. Like to add yours?

1. What is Allium Sepa (Cepa)?

It is concentrated green-onion juice that is used to make the cough medicine, Cepacol.

2. What is Arran Pilot?

He (or she) is the person who guides the tourist boat from Glasgow, out to the island, for knitting tours.

3. What is a love apple?

That was what I grew, before I got fat pleasingly plump, and developed full love handles.
Are you happy to see me, or is that just a large lunch??

4. To what genus do cabbages, broccoli and cauliflowers belong?

Flatulus inducius.

5. Which vegetables were the first to be canned?

The ones caught smoking dope on the job.  To be honest, they weren’t doing much actual work anyway, and it all had to be double-checked.

6. Pepinex and Telegraph are varieties of what?

These are new dating apps, especially for those working in the communications field.

7. What is a White Lisbon?

It’s a hot new drink in Brazil, made with a liqueur distilled from fermented bougainvillea flowers.

8. What is Calabrese?

Calabrese is an American rock band that is based out of Phoenix, Arizona. The band consists of three faux brothers; bassist/vocalist Jimmy Calabrese, guitarist/vocalist Bobby Calabrese and drummer Davey Calabrese. Calabrese has been described as “Melodic, hook-laden, catchy, fun, Rock with a Punk attitude”.

9. What was described as a cabbage with college education?

Boris Johnson.  Donald Trump is a kale.  He claims to have a University degree, but he’s not as tightly wrapped.

10. What is a Pentland Javelin?

That’s what a sadly mistaken Geordie in an Edinburgh pub boastfully calls his alcohol-enfeebled manhood.  😮

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’21 A To Z Challenge – J

If somebody TPed your house – it wasn’t me!
If somebody in a gorilla mask, jumped out and growled when you got back to the office after COVID shutdown – it wasn’t me!
It was some other…

JOKER

a person who is fond of joking
a foolish or inept person.
especially: an insignificant, obnoxious, or incompetent person 

I have long been a fan of the psychological value of humor and comedy.  It can calm the mind, and cause endorphins to be released into the bloodstream that make people feel good.  I don’t like to be called a Joker, like the Steve Miller Band song.

I’m a Joker
I’m a smoker
I’m a midnight toker

I gave that shit up a long time ago.  I have enough trouble keeping my mind running smoothly.  I don’t need any chemical enhancement.

I also don’t like the Jokester label.  Like “Joker,” it carries too much hint of smart-ass pranks and practical jokes, which are only funny to the bullies who play them on innocent victims.

I much prefer to accept the label of Gagster, from the Lonnie Donegan song, Lively.  (Oh what a gagster!)
a person who writes comic material for public performers.
a comedian who uses a patter of jokes and funny remarks.

So, you can rest assured that I am serious about being funny and looking after your mental and physical health, by posting lots of jokes.  The next batch will be hot off the griddle next Monday.  😆

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Flash Fiction #244

PHOTO PROMPT © Na’ama Yehuda

WHERE THERE’S SMOKE

Why can’t we stay up till midnight on New Year’s Eve??  What are they doing?

I don’t know.  Lift me up so that I can see over the counter…. Nuthin’ much, just drinkin’ cola outta glasses, talkin’ and smokin’.

Uncle Bob doesn’t buy his cigarettes at a store.  I think he picks his own tobacco in the woods – he calls it skunk-weed.  What’re they talkin’ about?

Nuthin’ really.  It doesn’t make sense to me, but it must be funny, ‘cause they’re all laughin’ a lot.

I’m gonna have chips and dip and Cheezies for New Year’s when I’m an adult.

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Some adults never grow up.  As Rochelle’s site says, ‘Growing old is inevitable.  Growing up is optional.’  At least these kids were supposed to be in bed, but little mice have big noses.  Celebrate New Year’s any way you want, but stay safe.  Let’s do this again next year.  😀

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If you’d like to have some fun – in a non-smoking household – go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.

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WOW #61

Syzygy

The planets have aligned, so it’s a propitious time for me to tell you that we Virgos are very skeptical, and don’t believe in all that Astrology BS.  Rochelle’s weekly FF picture didn’t provide me with any inspiration or creativity, but she did donate a lovely word for a WOW post.

SYZYGY

an alignment of three celestial objects, as the sun, the earth, and either the moon or a planet:

A, I, and O (like O Canada, or O beautiful for spacious skies, in America The Beautiful – not Oh!), are the only words in the English language with no consonants in them – although U, in text-speak seems to be coming on strong.

SYZYGY is the longest word with no true vowels.  It is followed by slyly, and the kids, shy, sly, spy, sty, sky, try, fly, fry, why, cry, by, archaic thy, nymph, and lymph, as well as the crafty lynx. (Have I forgotten any?)  For many years, I thought – and I still wish – that it was pronounced sigh-zih-gee, so that it would demonstrate all three possible sound options for the almost-vowel, Y.  Sadly, it utters the more prosaic, sih-zih-gee.

It has a couple of other, even less common meanings:
Classical Prosody. a group or combination of two feet, sometimes restricted to a combination of two feet of different kinds.
any two related things, either alike or opposite.

Does this mean that an ash tray, and a frying pan, somehow have a SYZYGY, because they are both objects in my house that people put something into??!  😯

Ahh, English; that beautiful, yet bizarre language.  You don’t have to be crazy to want to try to learn how to speak/write it.  We will train you.  😳  I am also trying to train you to stop back again next week.  Whoever finds and drags back Erato, my muse, before I need her for next week’s Flash Fiction, receives a complementary serving of French toast.  😀

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Canadian Slang That Confuses Americans

Caesar

Caesar

Be careful if you order a Caesar from an American bartender; you might wind up with a salad. A Bloody Mary is the closest equivalent for our friends south of the border, but it’s just not the same.

Canadian tuxedo

A blue denim jacket when worn with a pair of blue jeans? That’s a Canadian tuxedo and we’re proud of it! Even our American friends love it: remember Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears at the 2001 American Music Awards?

Freezies

Freeze pops? We call ’em freezies! Which one is your favourite? Blue, red, orange, purple…

KD

Canadians love Kraft Dinner — so much so that we’ve shortened the only-in-Canada mac-and-cheese to two letters that will mystify Americans who don’t have any idea what you’re talking about.

Parkade

Only in Canada is a parking garage called a parkade. Now to remember where we parked…

Hydro bill

Americans pay their utility bills or electric bills, Canadians pay hydro bills. And that hydro bill can be expensive, because Canadian cities have some of the worst winters.

Toboggan

Americans like to go sledding in the winter, but Canadians will always prefer tobogganing.

Timbit

The Tim Hortons’ Timbit has become utterly ingrained in Canadian culture. In the U.S.? Not so much. For our American friends: it’s a doughnut hole!

Tap

Americans turn on the faucet, but a Canadian gets water out of the tap.

Serviette

Why use a napkin when you can use something as fancy-sounding as a serviette?

Pencil Crayons

Pencil crayons

Pencil crayons are a distinctly Canadian term for coloured pencils.

Dart

Canadian slang for a cigarette, as in, “I’m heading out behind the dumpster to go have a dart.”

Dinged

In the U.S., cars get dinged. In Canada, it’s our wallets, as in, “I got dinged 90 bucks for that speeding ticket.”

Elastics

Rubber bands? In Canada we call them elastics.

Gong show

To Americans, “Gong Show” is an intentionally awful talent show hosted by a heavily disguised (and proudly Canadian!) Mike Myers. For us, the term “gong show” (sometimes shortened to “gonger”) is slang for anything that goes off the rails, a wild, crazy or just plain chaotic event.

Hang a Larry or Roger

Where an American in a car’s passenger seat would tell the driver to take a left, a Canadian would say to hang a Larry (or a Roger for a right turn).

Homo milk

Every Canadian knows that this is short for homogenized milk.  Evangelical American Christians need not worry.

Housecoat

The item of clothing Americans refer to as a bathrobe or (if they’re classy) a dressing gown is known to Canadians by its true name: the housecoat.

Chinook

An American might recognize the word as referring to a species of salmon or a type of Canadian military helicopter, but only a true Canadian knows a Chinook is an unseasonably warm wind that rises over the Rockies and heats up as it descends.

Champagne birthday

Americans are often surprised to learn that a champagne birthday refers to the date when you celebrate the birthday that equates to the date of your birth, such as celebrating your 28th birthday on the 28th of May.

Toque

A knit hat. Worn by everyone in winter and by hipsters over the summer.

Stag

A bachelor party. The female equivalent: stagette.

Keener

A brown-noser.

The letter Z

Americans pronounce it zee. Canadians pronounce it zed, much to the detriment of the “Alphabet Song.”

Knapsack

A backpack.

Washroom

Americans call it the ‘men’s room’ or ‘ladies’ room.’

Eavestroughs

Rain gutters. Our term sounds way cooler, eh?

Garburator

A garbage disposal unit found beneath a kitchen sink.

Runners

Any kind of athletic footwear.

Mickey

A 13-ounce (give or take) bottle of hard alcohol.

Gitch or gotch

A very classy term for men’s underwear.

Chocolate bar

Americans call it a candy bar, which seems weird. To us, gummy worms are candy, ya know?

Processed cheese

American Cheese. Make your own joke here.

Humidex

Measurement used to gauge the combined effect of heat and humidity.

Two-four

A case of 24 beers. Cans or bottles: your choice!

Klick

Slang term for ‘kilometer.’

Chesterfield

A couch or sofa.

Kerfuffle

A scuffle or commotion, typically resulting from conflicting views.

Deke

To physically outmaneuver an opponent. Typically in hockey.

Pogie

Derived from slang from our Scottish friends, “pogie” means being on welfare or social assistance.

Molson muscle

A beer belly.

Head’r

To leave. Head out. Duck out. Get out of there. “The meatloaf was superb, mom, but we’ve gotta head’r.”

Snowbird

Typically, this means a retired Canadian who travels south for the winter. Usually to tacky parts of Florida or Arizona.

Rotten Ronnie’s / McDicks

Terms of ‘endearment’ for McDonald’s.

Booze can

An after-hours bar. They’re typically illegal, so shhhhh. Don’t tell your American friends.

Thongs

No, we’re not talking g-strings. Thongs are the casual style of footwear that you wear to the beach, the pool or the gym’s communal showers. Might still be known as flip-flops.

Give’r!

To really, truly go for it. All out. Pedal to the metal.

Loonie and toonie

The perfectly reasonable-sounding names of our one and two-dollar coins.

Soaker or booter

When you step in a puddle or snow bank and the water penetrates your poor unsuspecting shoes.

Double-double

A coffee with two milk and two sugar. Often ordered at Tim Horton’s.

If any of these confuse any Americans, don’t feel badly. Some of them are age-specific, or regional, and confuse the rest of us Canucks, too.

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’18 A To Z Challenge – Neighbors

 

Challenge '18letter-n

 

 

 

 

 

Neighborhood

I accidentally did another favor for my neighbors – and I don’t regret or begrudge it.

I wrote of being able to do several favors for them, several years ago.  Those favors have been returned like bread upon the waters, 7-fold.  The ‘rot-proof’, pressure-treated posts that support our common fence are over 30 years old, and they rotted.

As I sadly stood considering the tilting fence, morosely calculating what it was going to cost in money, energy, time, and lost skin, the neighbor asked me if I would mind if he repaired it.  His son runs a small landscaping firm, so he had access to a powered post-hole auger.  His first thought was that he could bore out the concrete bases….FAIL!

Digging them out by hand was difficult and time-consuming.  Suddenly, inspiration struck.  He cut 2 feet off a 10-foot panel, moved the necessary holes two feet, and spliced the orphan back in at the end.  All he asked, was $100 for lumber and supplies.  The wife tipped him an extra $20 for saving me the trouble.

Recently, his first-marriage daughter stayed with them for several days.  They are both non-smokers, so she sits on the front porch to puff.  One spring evening, in the dark of 9:30 PM, I left the living room to use the powder-room, next to the front door.  The pebbled glass in the lower pane made car lights on their driveway seem like they’re on our front lawn.  I stood tippy-toe to look out, but it wasn’t their car.  I turned on the light, and peered out again.  The car quickly backed out, and drove off.

I hadn’t got my ass back on the couch, when the phone rang.  They were at a friend’s, and the daughter had called.  While she was sitting, smoking, some guy had just pulled into the driveway and said, “Wanna come over here, Babe?”  She’s a sturdy lass of 25, and could probably handle any problem, but she stepped inside, locked the door, and called them.  Would I please take a look and see if there was any trouble?

I told her that my neighborly nosiness had already driven him off.  She was reassured on an immediate basis, but now she, his daughter and I, were all somewhat perplexed.  Was this just some random guy, approaching random women?  In the dark, neither of us got a good look at the driver, the car, or the licence plate.  In our quiet, safe suburban subdivision, do we have a hooker, or a drug dealer working?

The wobbly wife wants a new rail installed on the deck steps.  The old ones are leaning as badly as the fence was, and she needs safe support, when she follows the new puppies that you’ll read all about in a month, out onto the lawn.  Maybe I can leverage this into some design/installation help from the amateur carpenter husband.  😀

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Flash Fiction #167

Taxes

PHOTO PROMPT © Yvette Prior

TAXING FREEDOM

Start your own business, they said.  Become an independent sub-contractor.  Be your own boss and answer to no-one.

It was a great idea, but this was a downside that the cube drones only had to worry about once a year, by April 15th.  He had to calculate and pay his business taxes quarterly.

If he had a heart attack while filling in all these arcane forms, would the cause of death be listed as ‘acute bureaucratitis?’  He wondered if he could list the government as a dependent.

Another shot and a smoke, and he’d be filed by the midnight deadline.

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Go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.

Friday Fictioneers