Tag Archives: progress

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The Moving Hand

The moving hand writes, and having writ, moves on.

I was born in the front bedroom of my family home because, in 1944 small-town Ontario, that’s what happened.  Diagonally across the intersection stood a vacation lodge.  Already financially struggling, the Second World War guaranteed its demise.

After things returned to “Normal,” the town seized it for unpaid taxes, and converted it into a hospital, becoming the first, and only, Ontario small town with one.  Across the street stood a fire hydrant.  The only other fire hydrant that I remember in my entire town, was one on main street, not in the middle of the block, or in front of the bank or post office, but the movie theater.  Things that make you go, Hmmmm…

On the other side of our house, was the home of a man who owned and ran a machine/fabricating shop, located in the upper, slightly less commercial block of the main street.  He wore in his shirt pocket, a hearing aid pickup and battery pack, about the size of two decks of cards, for hearing loss caused by years of screeching metal lathes.

He made a fairly good living, fabricating braces and racks, and machining repair parts for three small local furniture factories, and a plywood plant.  On into the 1950s, as he was considering retiring, Globalization began to rear its ugly head.  One by one, the furniture plants closed.  The plywood plant went bankrupt, re-opened under new management, and finally merged its production with the large, economic parent plant near Toronto.  His wooden building is now part of an IGA store parking lot, and the four, small, locally-owned grocery stores are mere memories in my mind.

Thomas Wolfe said, “You can’t go home again.”  I wouldn’t want to.  Gertrude Stein opined that “There’s no there, there.”  There’s no industry – no life – no raison d’être.  It’s Ontario’s biggest retirement home.

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’25 A To Z Challenge – M

I am always in awe of movie and television writers.  They must be like industrial spies, aware of the latest technology, almost before it exists, so that they can write it into scripts, and make the public aware of it.

In 1966, the bridge-crew of the Enterprise had wireless, electronic tablets, when most of us didn’t even have computers.  These later-to-be Ipads had beep-beep, flat surface pushbuttons that didn’t’ show up on my kitchen stove and microwave for another decade.

The year before, in a movie called Arabesque, a professor of Middle-Eastern languages, is kidnapped by the CIA, to translate a small note, written in Arabic script – because one sect is going to wipe out another sect.  (How things haven’t changed in 60 years!)

When he finally translates all of the nuances, the result makes sense – but it doesn’t make sense.  It’s as innocent as a recipe for hummus.  The secret, when it’s finally discovered and revealed is that one of the periods in the script has all of the information – IN ENGLISH – reduced 1000 times, through the optical science of

MICROGRAPHY

which is a division of STEGANOGRAPHY, the process of hiding things in plain sight.  The most common modern examples are benign computer files or messages, where secret information is added by making one small section denser.  First, you have to know TO look; then, you have to know WHERE TO LOOK.

I look forward to having you join me on Wednesday, for a new contest.

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’25 A To Z Challenge – B

What will you never hear a Millennial say??

BACK IN MY DAY…

I mean, what are they gonna say??!  Remember when flash-drives could only hold a MB of data, and they cost $100?  Now they can hold a terabyte of information, and they’re 3 for $9.99.

I’ve done a couple of these Back in my day/Remember when posts, to remind my older readers that the GOOD OLD DAYS weren’t all that good, and to show some of the younger ones what they’re lucky to have missed.

Social development, especially technological, is not linear.  It is more logarithmic.  It is not 1+1=2, 1+2=3. 1+3=4.  It is more like 1+2=3, 2+3=5, and 5+4=9.  As Isaac Newton said, If I have seen farther than others, it is because I have stood on the shoulders of giants.  The slant of the bell curve gets steeper and steeper.

Change that used to take a century, and then a year, and then a month – now happens in a week.  I am proud of Canada, and especially my local Kitchener/Waterloo area, with its RIM Park, and a Google branch as big as its parent.  It can be a rough ride, and some people have a hard time holding on, but change is inevitable, and must be embraced.  I suppose that those who can’t hack it, can always be hewers of wood and drawers of water – and makers of MAGA hats.

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’23 A To Z Challenge – V

TECHNOLOGICAL OBSOLESCENCE

It’s a term to describe systems or ways of doing something that have changed significantly within living memory.

For centuries – millennia – change and progress inched forward.  Then, about 150 years ago, knowledge reached a critical mass, and technology soared.  Things like the telephone and the gramophone made it possible to store and conduct sound.  The telephone was electrical, while the gramophone started out as strictly mechanical.

A crank wound up a spring which ran a clockwork motor.  A needle at the end of an arm ran in a rotating, serrated groove.  The first examples were actually cylindrical.  Only later did flat discs become standard.  The sound was conducted up the arm, into a horn and out, to be heard by avid listeners.  Like some YouTube shorts, the sound level varied.  Some ‘records’ had deeper grooves, and the sound level could blast a small room.  Pieces of cloth were sometimes stuffed into the horn as a damper – a mute.  This is where the phrase, “Put a sock in it!” originated.  The best, and the best-known, brand of gramophone was the

VICTROLA

The Victor Talking Machine Company was an American recording company and phonograph manufacturer, incorporated in 1901. The company operated independently until it was purchased by the Radio Corporation of America (RCA) in 1929 and subsequently operated as the RCA Victor Division of the Radio Corporation of America.

Sound reproduction has gone from mechanical, to electric, to electronic, to digital.  We have come so far.  I wonder how much, and how soon, the future will change and improve it – neural??  We already have Smart Glasses, which transmit sound from the arms, into the bones near your ears.

Veni, Vidi, Victrola

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Nice Guys Finish Last

Nice guys don’t always finish last.  Sometimes, even with good motives, they don’t finish at all.  Case in point.

My grandson tried out for a hockey team, but didn’t make it.  He was disappointed.  He told his mother that he played wing and center, and kept shifting positions because another kid couldn’t decide if he wanted to play either spot.

His mom said, “Well, you need to be more selfish and say, ‘Hey, I am playing center!’”  My grandson looked at his mom and said, “Mom, I would rather be a good person than a good hockey player.”

I thought, “You know, if we all took time to consider others, our world would be a much better place.”

I am all for having care and consideration for others, but, with the best of intentions, Mom chose an inappropriate word – ‘selfish.’  It carries the unfortunate, additional connotation of, all for me, and no-one but me.  It’s nice to be nice, but she should have said, assertive.

One can be assertive, without being an asshole.  If you don’t tell others what you want, you’ll seldom get it, and just end up going home to sit in a big, hot, soapy tub of disappointment.  Progress is made by those who want, and who communicate to others what they want.  You can be both a good person, and a good hockey player.  If you don’t want strive, perhaps you should try for a spot in the figure-skating revue, or join the chess club.

Reading this Op/Ed letter, I could just imagine the, “After you, Alphonse.  No, no, you go first, my dear Gaston.” game being played.  It is possible that the other, good person, lad was waiting for this one to make a choice, and he would gladly accept whichever position was left.  Hockey is a competitive sport.  This youth didn’t even have the drive to attain the position he wanted.  The coach wisely saw that he didn’t have the ambition and motivation necessary to win games for the team, and cut him.

Baaa…. I cannot tell a lie.  I sheepishly insist that you return soon, probably for another helping of Fibbing Friday.

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Time Hobbles On

Growing “Older”
How many do you identify with??

As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but annoying everyone is a piece of cake.

I’m not saying I’m old and worn out, but I make sure I’m nowhere near the curb on trash day.

As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, I’m sure of one thing: It will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

Me (sobbing): “I can’t see you anymore — I’m not going to let you hurt me again.”
My physical exercise instructor (exasperated): “But you did only one sit-up.”

I haven’t gotten anything done today. I’ve been in the produce department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.

Turns out that being senior is mostly just Googling how to do stuff.

I’m on two diets. I wasn’t getting enough food on one.

If you find yourself feeling useless, remember it took 20 years, trillions of dollars and four presidents to replace the Taliban with the Taliban.

As I’ve gotten older, people think I’m lazy. The truth is, I’m just being energy efficient.

I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that’s where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.

My tolerance for idiots is extremely low these days. I used to have immunity built up, but obviously there’s a new strain out there.

There is no such thing as a grouchy old person. The truth is, that once you get old you to stop being polite and start being honest.

My mind is like an internet browser. At least 19 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no clue where the music is coming from.

Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang I picked it up without knowing who was calling.

So, you’ve been eating hot dogs and McChickens all your life, but you won’t take the COVID vaccine because you don’t know what’s in it. Are you kidding me?  😕

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Fibbing Friday XVII

Pensitivity101 gives us some food for thought in this old Fibbing Friday list.  Food and lies??! – I’m overqualified!  😎

How did tartar sauce get its name?
This spicy condiment was developed by a food engineer with a stutter.  He only intended to say that it was a tart sauce, but introduced it to his boss as a tar…tar…tart sauce, and the name stuck – the same way the stuff gets stuck to your clothing if you’re not careful.  When I go to Red Lobster, I always get a lobster bib, even if I’m just having sole.

Why is Mardi Gras (aka Shrove Tuesday) also known as Pancake Day?
It all began in Duluth, where the epicures of Minnesota did not have access to fine, upscale dining establishments like Shoney’s.  IHOP, the International House Of Pancakes opened a restaurant to fill the gap.  Their grand opening happened to coincide with Shrove Tuesday.  They ran an advertising campaign that said, “Don’t be in a flap, Jack.  Celebrate Shrove Tuesday by making it a Pancake Tuesday, with an endless stack of hotcakes.”

The mostly Lutheran, Swedish-Americans didn’t understand this Catholic Shrove Tuesday thing, but they understood cheap inexpensive food, and came in droves.  IHOP repeated the sale for several anniversaries, and soon they were busing in from as far away as Fond du Lac, Wisconsin.  Then the Scots heard about the great food deal, and in no time the Pancake Tuesday term had spread worldwide.

Why do so many people eat fish during Lent?
It’s a way to feel good, and believe that you’re fooling God into thinking that you’re actually giving something up for a week or so.  There may be less fish eaten now, since a Canadian Coast Guard cutter put a few .50 caliber rounds into a trespassing Portuguese fishing trawler a few years ago.

What is the difference between sushi and sashimi?
Sashimi is thinly sliced strips of raw fish flesh, also known in civilized countries as BAIT, to get other fish to bite.  Sushi is thinly sliced strips of raw fish flesh, wrapped around vegetables, and coated with sticky rice, to get pretentious Hipsters to bite.

What is noodling?
That’s how half the University and College students get through their semesters without starving to death – some packs of ramen here, a few boxes of macaroni and cheese there.

How do you clean a fish?
I can’t tune a piano, but I can tuna fish.  To clean a fish, you can put it in the dishfishwasher.  Be sure to remove any detergent and rinse-agent, inserting instead, some butter and lemon juice.  By the time the heated dry cycle is finished, the fish should be ready to serve.

What are Swedish fish?
This is a plot by the Swedish candy industry to destroy America.  They are little fish-shaped gummies.  They are promoted as having NO FAT, and good for you, but are loaded with sugars, mineral oil, which is a lubricant/laxative, and carnauba wax, which puts a great shine on your automobile.

What is a Bishop’s Mitre?

In chess, the bishops may only move at 45-degree angles.  The Bishop’s Mitre is a handy-dandy tool to plot your proposed progress out.

What was the movie, The Shoes of the Fisherman about?
This was the sad but true tale of a dedicated angler with a bass-boat.  His wife would not allow his bilge-flavored footwear in the house, even in the mud room.  He had to take them off and store them in a sealed plastic bag out in the toolshed, and hope that skunks or rats didn’t get at them.

What is the first day after Lent known as?
It has not been officially accepted anywhere, but it is widely known as – SCREW THE NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION DAY.  I’ve been good for three or four months – the last week or so, especially.  I’ve eaten more fish than a seagull.  I want a bacon double-cheeseburger and onion rings!  🌯

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WOW #72

You young whipper-snapper snowflakes today….  This is how we did it in The Good Old Days!

I was recently reading an historical novel on my Kindle.  I came upon a passage where a female personal assistant (read secretary – at that time, a secretary was a lockable writing desk, and 50 years later, a typewriter was the person who ran the new-fangled machine) in 1850 NYC, produced a document for her lawyer boss on a

PTEROTYPE

I’ve run into some strange and uncommon words, but this one stunned me.  The word was coined near the end of The Golden Age, when learned men all spoke some Latin, and a little Greek.  Fortunately, I could just tap the screen to investigate this strange word.  It took me to a Wikipedia article about a predecessor to the typewriter. pterotype – Google Search

File:Pterotype.jpg – Wikipedia

During further research, without even asking, dictionary.com first took me to ‘Stereotype,’ and later offered me ‘Proterotype,’ which is the first example of any new article. So, this is the proterotype of the pterotype.

Historically, technologically, we have come so far, so fast.  I can just imagine trying to pound out a letter, using this monster.  The lawyer might better have used the services of Bartleby the Scrivener.  I’ll keep my word-processing program and Spell-Check, thanx.

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Perfect One-Liners

A perfectionist walked into a bar….
….Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.

My professor accused me of plagiarism….
….His words, not mine.

During the COVID pandemic….
….Is not the time to surround yourself with positive people.

I’m in an open marriage….
….I just found out.

How do you stop a bull from charging?….
….You just unplug it.

The leading cause of dry skin….
….Is towels.

My wife and I had this long, pointless argument about which vowel is most important….
….I won.

People say that time is money….
….I don’t buy that for a second.

My wife asked if I had seen the dog bowl….
….I said, No, I didn’t know he could.

I got assaulted by a mime for having a spasm….
….He thought I was heckling.

I wish everything was as easy as….
….Getting fat.

I asked my therapist if driving my car 100 MPH was an emotional problem….
….She asked me to pay two weeks in advance.

My wife says she’s going to leave me because of my addiction to poker….
….But I think she’s bluffing.

What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet?….
….A desserter.

Old age is when you’re faced with two temptations….
….And you choose the one that will get you home by nine o’clock.

The trouble with learning from experience….
….Is that you never graduate.

Wait! One day at a time….
….Like, FOREVER??!

I tried starting up a hot-air balloon company….
….But it never took off.

I’m great at multi-tasking….
….I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate, all at once.

My wife said, “Look at this.  I haven’t worn this in years, and it still fits.”….
….I said, “It’s a scarf.”

If only Sarcasm….
….Burned calories

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My First (Imaginary) Car

Old Jalopy

Once upon a time, I owned a car – not of my dreams, but in my dreams. It had a 1-1/2 cylinder engine, and ran on Macassar Oil. Since I was much younger when I imagined it, it was a much older make. It was a Rolls-Cunardly. It Rolls real good down hills, but Cunardly make it up the other side.

It didn’t come with all the creature comforts that today’s cars possess. In fact, I don’t remember any comfort at all. It didn’t have a windshield because, even at its top, blazing speed, the breeze flow wouldn’t equal a hot-air hand dryer.

Its balky, 5-speed gearbox was shifted with a long, floor-mounted handle, in a wide W pattern. In first gear, you could have checked what was in the glove compartment, except this car only had a shelf where, until recently, a red lantern was kept, that a footman had to precede the vehicle with.

You couldn’t put it in second gear if there was a lady in the car – although my girlfriend Muriel, said she enjoyed the vibration. Putting it in third would have allowed you to tune the radio, if it had one. Even if it did, all you’d have heard were the faint beeps that Marconi got, when someone told him to go fly a kite in Newfoundland.

Fourth gear would have allowed you to check your pocket change, but there was no need, since neither toll roads nor parking meters had been invented. Fifth gear was where it began overtaking garden snails. Care had to be taken, not to hit the simple on/off switch on the steering column, and shut it down.

Keys, and locks, and security systems were dreams for the future. Who would steal this monster? I left it running in front of a store one day, and came back to find a silver dollar and a note on the seat. You poor lad, I feel so sorry for you. Buy yourself a bicycle.

Where was reverse, you ask? Toward the top of a steep hill! The brakes were mechanical, and none too reliable. Just don’t park anywhere it was necessary to back up – or convince two husky bystanders to push it back for you. I used a crank-start system to get it going. Not the bent, metal thing. I got the grouchy old guy named Archon who lived next door, to help push me and bump-start it.

Some of the above details might not be accurate. They’re just intended to remind the Millennials about how tough we old coots had to be. Actually turn on a stove and cook food??! Ewww! My condo doesn’t even have a stove. Couldn’t you just tell your smart phone to call Skip The Dishes, or DoorDash, and have your meals delivered? 🙄