Here goes Pensitivity101 again. She’s been looking forward to my answers to these! She should have been looking backward.
What is a mitre?
It’s a scientific instrument to measure just how far off reality, Flat Earth believers are. There’s a new, special, two-axis-scanner version, because many of them are also fundagelical Christians.
- What is a dumpster?
He’s a sci-fi fan auto driver, who thinks that anything ejected from his vehicle goes into a miniature black hole, and just disappears. Got a half-inch of ash on your cigarette? Just flick it out the window, into the eyes of the following motorcyclist. Done with the fag? Toss the butt out too, because they all just magically evaporate. Got a McDonalds bag with a cardboard fries tray, an empty soft-drink glass and a ketchup pouch? Just dump them on the ground when you arrive, even though there’s a rubbish bin right beside the door of the business where you’re going. It’s enough to make a person cry.
- What is a relic?
He was the comic-relief character in The Beachcombers, which was a Canadian comedy-drama television series that ran on CBC Television from October 1, 1972, to December 12, 1990. With over 350 episodes, it is one of the longest-running dramatic series ever made for English-language Canadian television.
He was a Welsh-Canadian, with a Serbian surname. He personified the Grumpy Old Dude that I aspired to be. I watch the occasional rerun now, and think, ‘What a sweet young lad he was.’
4. What is a puffball?
He’s a mid-life crisis who bought a hot-damn, bright red, little sports car that’s so small; he can’t fit his entire ego into it.
5. What is an accolade?
It’s a miniature accordion/squeezebox, like the one that Christie McVie of Fleetwood Mac plays – TUSK!
6. What do the initials O.B.E. stand for?
The inscription on the back of my medal says that it means Old, Bitchy, and Eccentric.
7. What is a hide chew?
That’s what my childhood friend did when I’d made a large error in judgement, and my Mother was on the warpath.
Ah kin hide-chew under mah bed.
8. What is caffoy?
It’s the gigantic urn behind the counter at every Starbucks Coffee Shop. All the coffee gets brewed and poured into it. You can order light roast, medium roast, dark roast, Kenyan, Kona – doesn’t matter! Like four teats on a cow’s udder, no matter which one you pull, you’re gonna get the same stuff.
9. What is an erf?
It was Paris Hilton’s little handbag Chihuahua, when it had a slight sinus infection. It went on to have two seasons of its own talk show, and a movie deal, probably because it was smarter and more personable than her.
10. What is an umbel?
It is the viscera – the heart, liver, etc. of animals – particularly deer – which is used to make (H)umbel pie, for people who can’t spell
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