Tag Archives: sex

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WTF One-Liners

How many teenage girls does it take to change a light bulb?….
….Whatever!

I have an entomology joke….
….but it clearly bugs everyone.

I retired when I started going blind….
….I just couldn’t see working any longer.

Have you played the updated kids game….
….I Spy With My Little I-Phone?

DRAMA, The word boring people use….
….to describe fun people.

I’m not saying that your perfume is too strong….
….I’m just saying that the canary was alive when you arrived.

I like older women, because they’ve got used to life’s disappointments….
….which means they are ready for me.

Life without women would be a pain in the ass….
….literally.

I saw two guys wearing matching clothing, and asked if they were gay….
….They arrested me.

I think sex is better than logic….
….but I can’t prove it.

I’m at the age where….
….I can’t take anything with a grain of salt.

You know you’re getting old when….
….you can’t tell the difference between current band names, and typos.

What’s something you’re too old to do?….
….Give a shit.

The wife claims I turn everything she says to my advantage….
….I take that as a compliment.

Before I got married, I didn’t even know….
….there’s a wrong way to put milk back in the refrigerator.

I was an English major in college….
….in case there’s ever an emergency involving a comma.

Knock, knock….
….Who’s there?….
….To….
….To, who?….
….To whom.

I went to the world’s greatest psychic, and knocked on her door….
….She said, “Who is it?”

I admit that I live in the past….
….but only because the housing is so much cheaper.

Instead of saying “like,” I now say “such as”….
….because I such as to sound smart.

User: The word computer professionals use….
….when they mean, “Idiot!”

How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb?….
….Only one, but it takes eight visits.

Last week I spotted an albino Dalmatian….
….Seemed like the least I could do for him.

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It Would Be A Sin

Many Christian debaters and apologists view and present Good, and Evil, Right, and Wrong, as real, concrete items, rather than abstract, human, mental concepts.  They claim that the existence of Sin and Morality somehow proves the existence of God.  Rather, it is the exact opposite.  It requires a God to prove the existence of morality, and especially, Sin.

Sin is a transgression against God.  No God = no sin.  No God to hand it out means that there is no morality.  What we have is social-animal, evolution-driven, ethics – The Greatest Good For The Greatest Number.

What’s the point?  What am I here for?  How can I live the most valuable life with the time I’ve got?
Interesting and productive questions…. but they can be both asked and answered, without stuffing God into the cracks.
It’s just tough to ask the questions without acknowledging Spirituality and Soul which then provokes one’s view of creation, humans, time, etc.
Two delightfully vague and tenuous terms whose definitions can be made to mean anything, without evidence, but which usually mean desperation and delusion.  Also, there is no evidence of “Creation,” and no evidence of the need for a God for the existence of humans, time, etc.

A.J. Swoboda, After Doubt: How to Question Your Faith Without Losing It.
That’s not the dumbest book title I’ve ever seen, but it’s well up on the list.
Cool.  What are some of the other dumb titles that have made your list?
Well, there was that one titled, “The Curious Case Of The Man With No Sense Of Irony, Or Humor.”   😮

As with so many things about Christianity, many Apologists have not done enough research about their religion to actually know what they’re talking about.  When the Jews were held in slavery in Babylon, each spring it was a ritual to go to the local temple, and engage in sex with the priests, exchanging seminal fluid – a sign of fertility – for a promise of abundant crops.

The SIN – even if God were to exist – is not gay sex.  It is using it to entreat and worship any deity who is not The Lord thy God is a jealous God.  Thou shalt have no other gods before Me.

I have not found any evidence, especially in the Jewish Torah, that circumcision of baby boys was a command of God/Yahweh.  The Jewish people collectively tend to suffer from a DNA genetic likelihood of hemophilia.  While an individual tragedy, the death of a newborn boy from blood loss, would be far less of a drag on his family, and a tribe of nomads.

Similarly, circumcised boys would be far less likely to later develop penile and urinary infections, again being a noisy drag on a poor tribe of nomads, trying to evade and avoid human and animal predators in the wilds.  This is not a God/Yahweh-given religious procedure!  It is a social-evolutionary method to achieve The Greatest Good For The Greatest Number.  The Rabbis just ensured that they made a shekel or two for performing it.

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Fibbing Friday #275

Pensitivity101’s theme last week was What’s in a Name.

The following are all nicknames for celebrities but who or what would you suggest they could be?

1. Nitro

He’s the Pain-Free dentist in the local plaza, who offers “laughing gas” anesthetic.  His office is right next to the cannabis dispensary.  It’s a hApPy neighborhood.

2. Skinny Legs

Melania Trump.  I assume she gets a bulk discount on Ozempic.  When she turns sideways, she disappears, except for the package shelf.  She has to keep moving to cast a shadow.  She once swallowed a martini olive whole, and The Donald accused her of cheating.

3. Iron

She’s the one you pay extra for service, at the BDSM studio – you naughty boy.

4. Mailman

That’s the guy that works with metal rings to make up chainmail pieces.  There are also Mailwomen too!
They make some serious amazing stuff….

5. BoJo

The guy with the original short form label…  Mister Bo Jangles!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KKm_EgDI_-E

6. Teflon Tony

Silicone is passé in cosmetic surgery.  He’s the transgender doctor who specializes in turning boys into girls, and verse vica.

7. Iron Lady

Any local Mennonite housewife.  It’s not my fault that they won’t buy wrinkle-free farm shirts.

8. J.Lo

Late night talk show host Jay Leno

9. Smokin’

My co-worker asked me, “Does your wife smoke after sex?”  I replied, “Not quite!”

10. Bottler Brown

My uncle Rusty Melvin, finally got tired of the long, drag home from the local pub.  He now pays a special cartage service to deliver cases of dark Newcastle Ale to his cottage.  He says it saves on the fist fights, and DWI and public drunkenness fines.

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’25 A To Z Challenge – E

Enervate, effulgence, encomium, eristic, exody, euphemism

So many useless, esoteric words that begin with the latter E, I think I’ll irritate some Buy-Bull Thumpers, and discuss

EPICENE

lacking the typical characteristics of a particular gender or sex;
flaccid; feeble; weak, sexless, effeminate, unmasculine.

For some people, ‘Attention to Detail’ just means how far they can stick their nose into someone else’s business.  If there were ever calm discussion about the subject, this could be the upscale word to describe transgenderism.

There is a California, First Amendment Auditor, who goes by the name ‘Chris.’  I don’t know if he’s a guy, trying to be a girl, or if she’s a gal, trying to be a guy.  It’s about 4’ 10”, in any direction, and exhibits the characteristics of a beach ball.

An approaching female police officer began a conversation with, ‘Can you explain what you’re doing here, sir…. Uh, Ma’am…….. Uh, what do I call you?’  The response was, “Good Citizen.”  This is a difficult word for religiously indoctrinated people, who have been taught to expect answers to every question – whether they are entitled to answers or not.  Sometimes the honest answer is, I don’t know.

I do know that there will be a Fibbing Friday post in a couple of days.  I look forward to seeing you there, when you can question my sanity and/or sense of humor.

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Fibbing Friday #261

Definitions from Pensitivity101 last week. What can you come up with for these please?

Of all my relations…. I like sex the best.  It used to be my favorite indoor sport. I was an Olympic gold medalist.  Now I’m permanently disqualified.  You’ll notice a theme below.


1. Embiggen

It’s what you hope to get from visiting porn sites.

2. Eargasm

It’s what you get from visiting those $3.99/minute, Talk Dirty To Me phone lines.

3. Erumpent

Doin’ it doggy-style

4. Eldritch

Having ritual intercourse during a coven meeting

5. Epizootic

Having sex with an animal – this applies to men only.  Many women have a similar, but different, problem.

6. Frabjous

This is the cool-down period after an energetic horizontal tango session – or when you have to pull out your wallet, to pay for services rendered.

7. Floo-fla

Brits call this a fanny.  It’s what many Americans call Trump.

8. Fipple

Front door only?  No going around to the servants’ entrance??  But it’s my birthday!

9. Floop

Honest honey, this has never happened to me before.  Maybe if you talked to it a little, gave it a little kiss?

10. Fizgig

Was it good for you?

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Courting One-Liners

I don’t like making plans for the day….
….then the word “premeditated” gets tossed around the courtroom.

My New Year’s resolution was to stop procrastinating….
….I plan to begin soon.

Our thoughts and prayers go to COVID19….
….for having to hang out with Donald Trump.

There’s a term for a president like Trump….
….and a second one, apparently.

George Washington couldn’t tell a lie….
….Richard Nixon couldn’t tell the truth….
….Donald Trump can’t tell the difference.

When a clown moves into a palace, he doesn’t become a king….
….The palace becomes a circus.

I guess I won’t be asked to go caroling at the Mental Health Institute again….
….Apparently, “Do you hear what I hear” was not a good choice.

Impotence….
….Nature’s way of saying ‘No hard feelings.’

Virginity….
…can be cured.

Sex is like the game of bridge….
….You need either a good partner, or a good hand.

I just asked myself if I’m crazy….
….and we all said no.

If someone gave you a stolen Hershey bar….
…would it be hot chocolate?

Just a few words of warning….
….I failed my anger management class.

I used to eat a lot of natural foods….
….until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

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Jock Humor

A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky, new restaurant.  “Did you smell that food?” she asked.  “It smelled absolutely incredible.”  Being a kindhearted Scotsman, he thought, “What the Hell, I’ll treat her.”  So they walked past it again.

***

The wife screamed, “I can’t believe you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex!”
I replied, “You can hardly blame me.  It’s not like I’ve been getting any from you.”
“Well, that’s your own fault.” she said, “You never told me that you were willing to pay for it.”

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According to a recent survey, women say that they are more comfortable undressing in front of a man than a woman.  They said that other women are judgmental, while men are just grateful.

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I’m on a worldwide quest to find Bigfoot.  Originally I was going to search for cheap gasoline, but I thought I should keep my goals reasonable.

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I told my wife that I’ve always fancied Beyoncé.
She said, “Whatever floats your boat.”
I replied, “No – that’s buoyancy.”

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Have YOU had to walk 500 miles?
Were you advised to walk 500 more?
You could be entitled to compensation.
Call the Pro Claimers NOW.

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WARNING: If you get a link called ‘free porn’ dont opin it. It is a birus wich deactivates your spelcheck and garblis up you riting. I also receibed it but lukily I dont does porn so I dint opin it. Plaese warm yu frends!

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A guy walks into a bar and begins waving a handgun around.  He shouts, “I’ve got a .45 caliber Colt 1911A, with an 8-shot clip, and one in the chamber, and I want to know who’s been sleeping with my wife.”
A voice from the back says, “You’re going to need more ammo.”

***

Two guys are out playing golf

Jim and Dave are playing golf one day when they come to the 8th hole there are two women teeing off.

Jim turns to Dave and says “Go ask if we can play through”

Dave takes off towards the two women but only makes it about ten paces before he turns around and comes back

“What’s the matter?” Asks Jim

“Well you see one of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress.” replies Dave

“I see” says Jim as he heads off to ask the women if they can play through, like Dave he takes about ten steps then returns to Dave and says “small world.”

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’24 A To Z Challenge – K

Just back from observing a hillbilly family reunion, where 50% of the weddings were arranged on Ancestry.com.  The ‘hills’ might have been the Scottish highlands.  Here, with a slight lithp – uh, lisp, is this week’s phrase.  That’s right; you get two words actually, three for the usual cost of one.

KITH AND KIN

Hanging around since the early 1300s, this refers to more than a mere family reunion.  It’s more like a gathering of the clans –everybody and his cousin, the whole famn damily, in-laws and outlaws.

Kith originally meant the population of the entire country, but settled down to refer only to anyone and everyone who lived in your particular area.  Kin might also be kith, but were those who were more closely related to you by blood or marriage.  Of all my relations, I like sex the best.

Like several others in my alphabet challenge series, this post has no point.  It’s just another in the Seinfeld series.  My clan hasn’t held a family reunion since 1956.  We’re all too old, or passed on.  Some of the second, or third, generation may still do it.  Do any of you attend family reunions??  How large are they?  Do they qualify as kith and kin?

Blowing his brains out

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Just Ducky Fibbing Friday

Pensitivity101 wanted to publish a Fibbing Friday list, all about birds.  I said Duck You, but she went ahead anyway.

1. What do Donald and Daffy have in common?

They’re both paying child support, but the egg is actually a cuckoo’s.  They each hope it turns out to be a swan.

2. Drake is to Hen as Cob is to ……………….?

A feed of fresh, roadside-booth corn.

3. How many eggs can a peacock lay?

As many as he wants, now that 2SLGBTQIA+ is running rampant.

4. If you’re out for a duck, what’s happened?

Sex that includes a duck feather is kinky.  If it involves the entire duck, it’s perverted.

5. What is the collective noun for a group of ducks?

An all-you-can-eat, Chinese buffet.

6. What is the fastest duck (can reach speeds of up to 80mph apparently)

It seems to be some distant relative of Speedy Gonzales.  It may be the result of eating food with all the Jalapeño peppers in it.  No-one has been able to slow it down enough to ask its name.

7. Why do ducks drink water through a tube in their bill?

Well, it all started when they found that they could get iced coffee, served with a bendy straw, at the doughnut shop drive-through.  Now they’re all drinking that way.

8. What is the largest breed of duck?

That would be the Duck Tape Company, cashing in on American’s illiteracy, through hypercorrect incorrectness.  It’s been wrong for so long that it’s now right.

9. Why do ducks have three eyelids?

It’s so that they can make duck porn.  It’s like human porn, with well-endowed, but three-bag-ugly participants.  One bag over her head, one bag over his, and one over the cameraman’s, just in case.

10. Why do we say ‘like a duck out of water?’

Because we want to sound all flighty and erudite, but we usually get caught flat-footed.

I’m going to duck out now, but I expect to see you here again on Monday.  Don’t make me text you.  Working at home….  Indeed!

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Possibly Funny One-Liners

Anything seems possible….
….if you don’t know what you’re talking about.

A pun, an innuendo, and a limerick walk into a bar….
….No joke.

I am getting so old….
….that I have started lying about my children’s ages.

I am so old I can remember….
….when Emojis were called hieroglyphics.

Is it a sign that I am getting old….
….that I have started buying giant print alphabet soup?

I try not to let my age get me down,….
….at my age it is too hard to get back up again.

Too much sex can cause memory loss….
…. I read that in a Medical Journal on April 14th at 3:18 p.m.

I try to be a nice person….
….but sometimes my mouth just won’t co-operate.

My life diary – I was born,,,,
….Then everything bothered me – that brings us up to date.

As a chronic procrastinator….
….I’m deathly afraid of Saturday the 14th.

In ancient Greece, Chiron was a half-human/half-horse, doctor….
….Centaur For Disease Control

I spent $300 on a limo, but it didn’t come with a driver….
….all that money, and nothing to chauffeur it

I looked up my family tree….
….I found out that I’m a sap.

Don’t worry about getting older….
….You still get to do stupid things, only slower.

The other day, I rang the Speaking Clock….
….It said, “What’s the matter, can’t you afford a watch?”….
…. “Are you too lazy to lift your arm up you idiot?…. “
….It was Greenwich Mean Time.

What’s an acorn?….
….In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.

Diet books are popular because….
….they appeal to a wide audience.

String theory may explain everything….
….Then again, maybe knot.

My ‘alone time’ is….
….strictly for the safety of others.

I bought my friend an elephant for his room.  He said, “Thanx”….
….I said, “Don’t mention it.”

When I get naked in the bathroom….
….the shower is the only thing that gets turned on.