Tag Archives: birth

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Happy Birthday House – But Not Doctor

I want to wish a Happy 175th Birthday to the stuccoed, frame building that I was born in – before the advent of hospitals.  At about 2:00 AM, Thursday Sept. 21/1944, my Mother gave birth to me in the front (North) East bedroom.  We were given care and support by my Grandmother, and two aunts – and the house was already old, then.

The above number is an educated guess.  We had tax receipts from 1848, which read, Barn and sheds, and from 1852, which read, House and sheds.  Sometime in those four years, the barn was torn down, and the house erected.  1850, and 175 years old seems a reasonable assumption.  It may be the oldest, surviving building in the town.  It has endured a lot of modification.  It sat on the flatlands, up the hill from the lake, about half a mile from the commercial area

It was constructed by – or for – a well-to-do, gentleman farmer.  The rooms had towering, 12-foot ceilings, barely kept warm in the beginning by two pot-bellied stoves.  It was a bitch to heat, even after my Father added a forced-air gas furnace.  Room by room, year by year, he and a local handyman put in false ceilings, down to the tops of the windows – which were only 8’ 6”.  The steep stairway to the loft area was more like a ladder.

With apparent income from other sources, this was just a hobby farm for the first owner.  The property comprised a quarter of a square city block.  He had a few apple trees, some pear trees, some grapes, a small bed of asparagus, and room for plots of potatoes, peas, beans, carrots, and beets.  The three-foot thick fieldstone foundation was fabricated from rocks that were pulled from the soil, and support beams were Mountain Ash trees cleared from the property.

Reconstruction continues.  The current, long-term owner has added a dormer window, and finished living area in the loft at the top of The Stairs of Doom.  She’s a tired, but still impressive, old dowager.  I fondly remember her occasionally, but, except for possibly one last, quick, look; I don’t want to go back.

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’24 A To Z Challenge – S

Shiver me timbers!  Scupper and scuttle me, mateys.  It’s time for a post about the letter S.

I thought that I would tell you about the first young couple to get caught

SCRUMPING

It was Adam and Eve – and not doing what you might have thought, at all.  “Scrumping” means to

Steal fruit

Scrumping is an old-fashioned informal term in England that means to steal fruit such as apples from trees. It is a dialectal term that can also refer to something that is shriveled or cooked to a crisp.

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About what you thought it might mean:  If God created Adam and Eve immortal – no sin, no death, no painful childbirth, no human race – did He also create them with sexual equipment and orgasms, or was Eve just there to make apple butter??  Discuss among yourselves, and with any available tight-assed Buy-Bull thumper.

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’23 A To Z Challenge – Y

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.   I am caught on a cleft stick.  Y do I get myself in these predicaments?  Y don’t I plan ahead, and work ahead??  Y??  Because we love you!

M  I  C  K  E  Y
A  R  C  H  O  N

Recently I’ve had some trouble coming up with ideas for blog-themes.  I am not above accepting random prompts.  A couple of years ago, Daniel Digby, over at The Infrequent Atheist challenged me to do something with/about the word

YCLEPT

A careful study has revealed that it is impossible, but here I go, anyway.
‘Clept’ or ‘cleped,’ is a Middle English verb that simply means, “named.”  I don’t know why they couldn’t just say so.  The ‘Y’ prefix indicates ‘to’ or ‘toward.’  A high school Literature text included a reference to a ‘Star ypointing pyramid.’

Women who marry, or die, often have the word ‘nee’ (or née) added to their notification.  It’s a French word that does not precisely mean ‘previously named,’ but rather, “born,” as, that was the surname they were born with.

Atheist and Pagan children, as well as all other non-Christian babies, are not “christened,” or assigned “Christian” names.  They are designated identifying first, given names.  In today’s increasingly cosmopolitan North American culture, it is not a good idea to ask for someone’s “Christian” name – far better to refer to ‘first’ name, or ‘given’ name.

I have been named the best author on this entire blog-site – as well as a few epithets from Richard Pryor videos.  Let’s call it a day.  😎

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I Say Old Bean

Old Bean!  New Bean!  Young Bean!  Eventually String-bean.  We have welcomed our precious, hopefully precocious Wee Bean great-grand-son into our lives.  He popped into our reality at 6:48 PM, on April 27th, weighing 5 Lb. – 6 Oz, 19 inches long.  Grand-daughter-in-law says that popped was hardly the word for it.  She worked hard for almost 24 hours to deliver this perfect bundle of joy.

He may always be Wee Bean to Grandma Ladybug, but his Dad and Mom seem to be leaning towards naming him Garion Archon-Scottish IV (Although Rowan hasn’t been ruled out yet) – forever to be known as Gary – second name to follow.  They have 30 days to complete necessary paperwork.

With a new baby on the horizon, the wife, the daughter, her BFF, and his mother all went into nesting mode, and transitioned from merely dedicated knitters, to OCD knitters.  There are piles of knit booties and blankets and moccasins and sweaters and socks and hats and play sets.  The wife knit the hospital hat in the above photo.   He may not realize that clothing comes in fabric until he leaves home.

Even before COVID, it was decided that, like his Father, he would be born at home, in a sterilized bathtub, under the watchful eye and careful care of two registered Midwives and a birth Doula.

HOLD ON A SECOND!

STOP THE PRESSES!

The best-laid plans of mice and men gang aft aglee.

Being their first child, he was in a hurry to be cuter than any kitten video you’ve ever seen.  Instead of waiting till his scheduled due-date of May 18th to be born, he insisted on arriving almost three weeks ahead of schedule, necessitating a quick taxi trip to the hospital, with the midwives in hot pursuit.  Just in time too.  At that the wee bairn was almost a third the body weight of his tiny mother.  Soon enough, he’ll be tossing telephone poles…. uh, cabers, around.

I’m sure that you join us in happily embracing the arrival of the next link in the chain of my immortality.  You’d better, if you know what’s good for me.

I hope that he grows up to be tall and strong.  He may need to be…. to push me around in my wheelchair.  I’m sure that he’ll get the occasional mention in my posts.  He’s already capturing women’s hearts and wearing plaid diapers.  I’ll publish a notice and provide a link, when he starts a blog of his own.  😎

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’19 A To Z Challenge – D

Mission Impossible

Good morning Mr. Archon. As you can see from the morning news, rogue governments, like those of the fat little North Korean, and the cheesy-headed fool in Washington, are causing the peoples of the Free Blog-World much distress.

Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to amaze and amuse, educate and enthrall, to bring harmony and joy back to WordPress. Remember, if you or any member of your Impossible Blog Force are captured or killed, the Secretary will

Disavow

any knowledge of your actions. If you are successful, this Internet series will be made into a bunch of second-rate movies, starring some pint-sized, Bible-thumping fool who jumps on couches while on television, and delights in the pain and suffering of women having babies. This blog post will self-destruct in 30 seconds.

I didn’t sign up fer nun of that capchered or killed shit. I jes wanna sit at this here computer-thingy with a cold beer – or 17.

Secatarie??! I ain’t got no damn secatarie. I gotta type this shit out all by myself. ‘N what’s this ‘disavow’ thing? Do that mean the old lady ‘n I ain’t married no more? I called my spawn, bastards offen enuff. Serve ‘em right if they really was. The wife don’t see thuh irony in calling one of ‘em a ‘son of a bitch.’ I guess that ‘disavow’ thing is kinda thuh same as ‘cover yer ass.’ Typical Guvmint.

I doan wanna git capchered urr kilt, so I’m gonna go do sum research fur a word startin’ with E. I’d like this ass-hindment to go to a second season. Ah know yoo wuz amazed thet ah kin put two words in front of th’other. Howz this fer amuzed??

Happy Place

See ya again soon. 😉

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Starvation Wages

Horses

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman
shopping on Rodeo Drive and said,
“I haven’t eaten anything in four days.”
She looked at him and said,
“God, I wish I had your willpower.”

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A blonde bought two horses and could never remember which was which.

A neighbor suggested that she cut off the tail of one horse, which worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush.

The second horse’s tail tore in the same place and looked exactly like the other horse’s tail.

Our blonde friend was stuck again. The neighbor then suggested that she notch the ear of one horse, which worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence.

Once again, our blonde friend couldn’t tell the two horses apart.

The neighbor then suggested that she measure the horses for height.

When she did that, the blonde was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one.

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A man and a woman who have never met before find
themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a
train, after the initial embarrassment they both
go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on
the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over
and says, “I’m sorry to bother you but I’m awfully
cold and I was wondering if you could possibly
pass me another blanket.”
The man leans out and with a glint in his eye,
says, “I’ve got a better idea … let’s pretend we’re married”
“Why not”, giggles the woman.
“Good”, he replies, “Get your own fucking
blanket!”

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A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor. As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father. They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine.
The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father. The wife says, “Oh, that’s actually better.” The husband says he can’t feel anything.
Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn’t hurt nearly as much. The husband says he still can’t feel anything.
The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%. The husband still can’t feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her.
The baby is born. The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep.

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How many Witches does it take to change a light bulb?
It depends on what we are trying to change it into.

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How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but it sure takes a lot of light bulbs!

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I asked my friend why he walked away from his last job.
He said the pay was so poor that he couldn’t afford a car

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Flash Fiction #20

 

Salt Flats

 

 

 

 

Take It With A Grain Of Salt

For almost a century, the self-righteous British Raj ran the sub-continent for the financial benefit of The British East India Company. Each year, the rules became stricter, and more numerous.

Now they were told that they could not go to their ocean, and use their sunshine to evaporate the water.  They could no longer “make salt.”

Their leader, the Mahatma, told them that they must non-violently insist on their centuries-old rights. Men were beaten and imprisoned.  Bones were broken, and people died. Still the people quietly rose, like the tide itself.

And so, the great Gandhi gave birth to India.

 

Go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site, and use her Wednesday picture as a prompt to write a complete story.