Heartfelt Fibbing Friday

It was Valentine’s Day last week, so below are 10 romantic quotes and Pensitivity101’s question was, who wrote them. Bear in mind this is Fibbing Friday, so anything/anyone goes – within reason!

***

Valentine’s Day is to the candy and flowers industry, what Christmas is to the toy industry.  It’s too slushy and mushy for a Grumpy Old Dude like me, so I cast aside my rose-coloured glasses, make sure my Bah, humbug is fully inflated – and away we go.

  1. “You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.”

Charlie Manson

  1. “For you see, each day, I love you more—today more than yesterday and less than tomorrow.”

Torquemada

  1. “The real lover is a man who can thrill you by kissing your forehead or smiling into your eyes or just staring into space.”

Aileen Wuornos

  1. “Do I love you? My god, if your love were a grain of sand, mine would be a universe of beaches.”

“Ozzie” Osborne

  1. “We loved with a love that was more than love.”

Rob Zombie

  1. “You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.”

Marquis de Sade

  1. “I would rather spend one lifetime with you than face all the ages of this world alone.”

NAME REDACTED, recently convicted of stalking, and online threats

  1. “The giving of love is an education in itself.”

Howard Stern

  1. “The love we give away is the only love we keep.”

Father Trinity, of St. Louis parish, and all his rapidly-shuffled fraternity

  1. “Who, being loved, is poor?”

Jean Valjean

Intelligent VS Smart

Being “Intelligent” does not mean that you are “Smart.”  Take my wife – please.

When she went into Grade 9, the school administered an IQ test, on which she scored in the middle 120s.  She is reasonably ‘intelligent,’ however….
***
Where and when I attended high school, jewelry of any sort on students was rare.  I was almost the only one I knew who had a wristwatch.  Boys wore no rings, often because of sports.  Bracelets and bangles were non-existent.  Very few girls wore necklaces.  There must have been a few Catholics mixed in with us heathen Protestants.  I remember a couple of modest, sterling crucifixes, and the cafeteria served salmon loaf each Friday.

Not being a “Christian,” and desiring to be a little different, I wanted to wear some kind of necklace, but not A CROSS. I read in some magazine, an offer like, Send in two Post Toasties box-tops and 75¢, and we’ll send you a genuine, pewter, Maltese Cross.  I hung it from a cheap, steel chain, and wore it for years.  One day, it just disappeared.  With no memory, I couldn’t look back to see exactly where and when and how I had lost it.

Fast forward ten years.  I have a couple of kids and a wife.  We are watching some PBS documentary about the Knights of Malta, and how they petitioned the Pope to allow them to use the Maltese Cross as their religious emblem.  I casually said, “I used to have a Maltese Cross that I wore, but it just disappeared one day.  I don’t know how I lost it, or where it went.  And the wife said:

Well, when we first started going out, I noticed you wearing it.  I didn’t know what it was.  I’d never seen anything like it.  The only ones I knew about were part of Nazi war medals.  I didn’t know why you were worshipping Nazis, but I just didn’t think it was right.  One day, when we were at the beach, you took it off to go into the water, and I took it out of your shoe, and buried it in the sand.

W!   T!   F!??

So:
Before we were even married
Without my Knowledge
Without my permission
Without having me explain myself
Without knowing what it was
Without doing any research
Without asking questions
Without expressing her concern

She just felt justified in stealing my personal property, and disposing of it without telling me, because she somehow disapproved – and then, voluntarily piping up, and admitting to it.  Her recent ex-Catholic status forced her mind to confess her sin.  Had it been me…. My ‘Smart’ brain would have told my ‘Intelligent’ mouth to Shut the f**k up!!

Fifty years later, I am still occasionally reminded somehow, and I am still angered.

😦

Reasons To Live In Canada

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA

  1. Vancouver: 2.5 million people and two bridges. You do the math.
  2. Your $1.400,000.00 Vancouver home is just 5 hours from downtown.
  3. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations.
  4. There’s always some sort of deforestation protest going on.
  5. “Weed”.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA

  1. Big rock between you and B.C.
  2. Ottawa who?
  3. Tax is 5% instead of the approximately 200% as it is for the rest of the country.
  4. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of.
  5. You live in the only province that could actually afford to be its own country.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATCHEWAN

  1. You never run out of wheat.
  2. Your province is really easy to draw.
  3. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours.
  4. People will assume you live on a farm.
  5. Daylight saving time? Who the hell needs that!

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN MANITOBA

  1. You wake up one morning to find that you suddenly have a beachfront property.
  2. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes.
  3. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter.
  4. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood.
  5. You can pass the time watching trucks and barns float by.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO

  1. You live in the center of the universe.
  2. Your $800,000 Toronto home is actually a dump.
  3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election.
  4. The only province with hard-core American-style crime.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC

Ahhhh….Give me a minute here to think…….Gosh, this is hard…….OK, here are some:

  1. Racism is socially acceptable.
  2. You can take bets with your friends on which English neighbour will move out next.
  3. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada …
  4. You can blame all your problems on the “Anglo A*#!%!”?

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEW BRUNSWICK

  1. One way or another, the government gets 98% of your income.
  2. You’re poor, but not as poor as the Newfies.
  3. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick …
  4. Everybody has a grandfather who runs a lighthouse.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA

  1. Everyone can play the fiddle.. The ones who can’t, think they can.
  2. You can pretend to have Scottish heritage as an excuse to get drunk and wear a kilt.
  3. You are the only reason Anne Murray makes money.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND

  1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island, you still got the big new bridge.
  2. You can walk across the province in half an hour.
  3. You can drive across the province in two minutes.
  4. Everyone has been an extra on “Road to Avonlea.”
  5. This is where all those tiny, red potatoes come from..
  6. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND

  1. If Quebec separates, you will float off to sea.
  2. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse.
  3. The workday is about two hours long.
  4. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders to your wedding.

 😳

’21 A To Z Challenge – N

I AM THE LORD OF DARKNESS!

I COMMAND YOU TO READ AND HEED!

A scientific psychological study that I read on the Internet (So it must be true) says that people who stay up late are more creative, intelligent, and better at making decisions.

HOO – Doesn’t go to bed when the sun does??

HOO – Stays up all night, to greet it when it rises in the morning??

Ooh!  Ooh! Pick me!  Pick me!

The once, and future, perpetual

NIGHT-OWL

My night-owl sister and I were born to a pair of Protestant-work-ethic parents who rose each day before the dawn even cracked, like Medieval serfs.  My Mother would put my brother and me to bed at 8 PM, and wonder why I was still keeping him awake, telling stories and jokes, when they were ready to retire at 11.

As a teen, I often watched Friday- and Saturday-night movies on TV (with the volume down) from 11:30 till 1:00 AM.  In the summer, when the beach bowling alley closed at 1 AM, I often drifted home – quietly – after 2.

When I was sixteen, instead of going home one Friday night, a bunch of us rowdies hiked a couple of miles up the riverbank, into the woods, made a campfire and some noise no-one could hear, cooked some hotdogs and soup made with river water.

I trekked back to the beach to have a swim as the sun came up, got home about 7 AM, and was frying some bacon and eggs when my Father got up.  7 AM??  He’d slept in!  He was so happy that I’d got up ‘at a reasonable hour, for once.’  He was a little shocked/perplexed when I told him that I just got home and was having a late snack.  I told him that I was going to bed, and for him to call me about 2 PM, and I would get up and mow the lawn.

I sometimes wonder if I was just born on the wrong side of the planet, but I think that, even if I lived in Japan or Malaysia, I’d still wind up haunting the dark shift.  It probably made it easier for me to work 3 to 11, and especially the 11 to 7 shifts that others had trouble with.  One young co-worker came in for each midnight shift with three king-cans of high-caffeine Jolt Cola to get him through the night.

I could get up early for the day-shifts, but it was the ‘not all cylinders firing yet’ early-morning inattention that caused me to nudge the rear bumper of a bus that was slowing, as I tried to pull in behind it on my motorcycle, to make a turn.  I broke my bike, my left shoulder, and my wallet.

I know that many of you are happy, breezy morning people.  (Curse your bright-eyed and bushy-tailed diurnal cycle.)   The son is following in my nocturnal, but low-traffic level, footsteps.  He is approaching twenty years straight, on the midnight shift.  Another generation of Dark Lords – I’m proud of him…. or I would be, if I could just find him in the darkness.

I have a sweet post scheduled for Wednesday.  I’ll have it published and ready to read, yesterday, before you get out of bed today.  I’ll see you (later in the day) then.   😎

Novel Shipwrecks

Treasure Island

I read a trivia blog about shipwreck novels, and left a comment about Great Lakes shipwrecks, including Gordon Lightfoot’s The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald, and one that was found in the sand of my home town’s beach. When the writer asked for details, I emailed him this double-barreled story.

65 years ago, there were a couple of boards which protruded from the sand, at one spot on our lovely beach. We kids tried to pull them out, but they were obviously attached to something heavy. Eventually, they disappeared – storm damage? Town works crew cut them for tourist safety?

Lighthouse

About twenty years ago, a couple of residents became interested in history and restoration. The abandoned lighthouse-keeper’s house on the offshore island was repaired, and little boat tours began. Someone must have remembered the boards on the beach. A group of archeologists from the University of Toronto arranged a dig. They had to design and build a coffer-dam to keep the waves out as they dug up that section of beach.

Sure that they had something physical, they began searching the written records. Soon they found the story. Once upon a time, my home-town was a bustling Lake Port. Prairie grain for bakeries, iron ore for steel mills and lumber for construction were unloaded and shipped by train below Niagara Falls.

The wreck on our beach turned out to be an 87 foot sailboat freighter. “She” was the ‘Sir Robert McAllister,’ making what might have been the last trip of the fall, before the lake iced up in 1887. Unloaded, they set sail ahead of an autumn storm. Heading back north, they barely got outside the safe harbor when the winds raged. Unloaded, top-heavy, empty and bobbing like a cork, she couldn’t maneuver, and was driven onto the beach.

No hands were lost, but the storm pounded her to flinders. Our Lake is not an ocean, but I remember body-surfing 6 and 8-foot storm waves. Little was left above the keel. She held no cargo, and what was left wasn’t worth salvaging. She was just left to rot, and subsequent storms piled sand over her.

The other local shipwreck that I wanted to tell you about – wasn’t – quite. There used to be a prosperous fishing trade out of our river harbor, until they overfished themselves out of business. Each day, six days a week, 4 forty-foot, enclosed, steel fishing boats would go out a couple of miles.

One spring, the lake ice had broken up and had moved offshore, drifting slowly down the middle of the lake, toward Detroit. Finally, two miles of ice on the river broke up, and thundered out to join it. One fish boat owner, whose craft and crew of three had been unemployed for almost 4 months, got the boat winched back into the water, with plans to go out the next day.

The weather was clear, if cold, and away they went. They set nets, waited for fish migration, and pulled the nets back in. While all this was happening, a spring gale blew up, pushing all that ice back in past them from the west. By the time they headed for home, it had piled up against the shore in a wall 15/20 feet high, a mile out from the river harbor.

As they looked for a solution, more ice piled up behind them, wedging them against the barrier, ice floes 4 – 5 – 6 feet thick, as big as the boat. Soon, the increasing pressure tilted them, to almost 45 degrees. Fearing that the boat would be crushed or capsized, they decided to unship the lifeboat, and push it like a sled across the valleys of the ice-field.

About halfway to shore, the youngest crew-member, a 19-year-old nicknamed Zip, lost his footing – and his hold on the lifeboat rail – and plunged through a small gap into the freezing water. Two days later, when the weather had cleared, and the ice had moved offshore again, the owner used a motorboat to chase his fish boat two miles out, and 8 miles south, with a cargo of frozen fish. It was slightly dinged and scraped, but the rudder and propeller weren’t damaged.

Zip’s body was found a couple of weeks later. The ship didn’t even sink, but still cost a crewman’s life. The town has a small park, where the river meets the lake. They added a memorial to all those lost to the lake, and specifically, Zip.

***

Somehow, I conflated the stories of the lumber freighter that I researched for an earlier post about the decline and fall of my home-town as a Lake Port and the change from a transportation-driven economy to a manufacturing-based one, with a previous War Of 1812 warship-turned freighter, named H.M.S. General Hunter. The light-as-a-cork lumber boat was repaired and refloated. The repurposed warship, still heavy with cannon, got buried. Click above to read her story.

 

Flash Fiction #191

Vacation

PHOTO PROMPT © Ceayr

AM I BLUE? NO!

Ah, to be a Canadian Snowbird in South Carolina, for a week in October. Not really Snowbirds – snow hasn’t actually fallen in Southern Ontario – yet. Warm like summer at home, but not yet crowded with boorish, Speedo-wearing Quebecois.

The beaches are delicious – tanning and soaking up sun. It’s easy to tell tourists from townies. Canadians are frolicking in the surf, while the natives are dressed in down-filled coats, like Canucks will be in a month, when they have to shovel that snow. They stare, wondering why we build sand-castles, and not igloos.

Nobody in Canada owns a powder blue villa. 😀

***

Go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.

Friday Fictioneers

Flash Fiction #152

Winter Vacation

PHOTO PROMPT © Dale Rogerson

LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW

Moving from job to job every few years, for a maximum of experience, had been a good idea when he was younger. He’d finally stayed with one employer long enough get a third week of vacation.

They’d had fun going to the beach or camping during the summers. He’d scheduled this one halfway between New Year and Easter.  What should he do during it?? – Absolutely nothing!  Stay inside.

Groceries were laid in. Water flowed.  Furnace worked.  Wrap up in a Snuggie and binge-watch Netflix with cookies and hot chocolate.  He’d shovel all that snow on Friday….Saturday, at the very latest.

***

Go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.

 

2017 A To Z Challenge – B

Challenge2017

When I sieved out the following list of B-word prompts, I was struck by how many of them could apply to me.  Rather than choosing only one, here are some random thoughts about a few of them.

Bibliophile
blood
baggage
belief
bold
books
beach
barn
blog

Letter B

My home town is halfway up the East coast of Lake Huron, in Ontario. It has 3 miles of lovely warm, soft, white sand beach.  It has become a vacation haven, and tourism is a large part of its financial wellbeing.

The town to the south gets only 1 mile of shoreline. The tiny tourist village to the north sits in the center of 10 miles of sandy shore.  Access to the water is good, and the swimming is wonderful but, in both cases, the sand barely reaches above the water level, and their beaches are flat, hard and damp.

My mother constantly read to me as a child, and I learned to read quite young. I became a bibliophile, a lover of books.  I am also a logophile, a lover of words, but all the wonderful words are in the wonderful books, so we’ll discuss that later.

Ray Bradbury said, “Libraries raised me.” My tiny little town had a tiny little library, about the size of a medium house.  It was only open two days a week.  The volunteer librarian was a former teacher.  It was here that I learned early, the value of linguistic precision.

The fine for late books was 2 cents, biweekly.  The intent was for 2 cents, per book, for each of the 2 weekly open days.  I stood beside a man who went and got a dictionary to show the librarian that ‘biweekly’ also meant ‘every two weeks.’  He would pay 2 cents, but not the 8 cents that she demanded.

A local man became a mining engineer. He located an ore field in Northern Ontario, staked a claim, and sold the rights to a mining firm which would extract the minerals.  With the initial payout and ongoing royalties, he retired early, as the town’s richest resident.

He and his wife were great readers, but they never had children. When his wife died, and he was facing his own mortality, he donated a large portion of his fortune to the municipality, to be used to build a library in memorial to his wife.  We got a fairly large (for a small town) new library, right beside the Town Hall.  His bequest bought lots more books, and an annuity paid for hired staff.

When I moved 100 miles to Kitchener for employment, it was easy to pack my luggage. I had very little.  I also had to pack my baggage – my propensity for procrastination, my learning disorders, my neurological syndrome which causes poor physical control and lousy short-term memory, as well as my autistic-type inability to read social cues, and make and hold friends.

I am more methodical, determined, and tenacious; I would never be described as bold. Having survived an interesting, if not terribly thrilling life, now in the twilight of my years, I can put these thoughts and remembrances down, and publish them in my blog.   😀

 

Flash Fiction #66

Widdershins

PHOTO PROMPT © The Reclining Gentleman

WIDDERSHINS

He must be late! Everybody was coming back. Bloody British, they don’t know if they’re coming or going, but do it on the wrong side of the road. Everyone else had passed to the right on medieval trails, to keep the sword-arm free.

Not the English! No Sirree! At least they hadn’t passed this aberration on to Canada or the USA, although they’d led 50 other countries astray – if you didn’t look too hard at the definition of the term ‘country.’ Turks and Caicos Islands, and Vendu. Vendu?? There were sunglass kiosks in the malls that were larger than Vendu.

***

Go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple website and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.

 

Flash Fiction #10

 

VISTA

tree2bcrook

 

It’s tough, being only nine years old.  He finally reached the broken branch, lodged in the crotch.

Quickly climbing, he made it to the topmost branches of the tallest tree in town, situated atop the highest hill.  From here, he could see his entire little town.  He could see the tiny cars, and the miniature people walking.

He could see the lake, and the lighthouse on the dock.  He could see the town hall clock, which said 11:55 AM.  Turning in the other direction, he could see his mother at his front door.  Better get down, it’s time for lunch.

 

Go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site.  Use her Wednesday picture as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.