Religious Comedy

Pillsbury spokesperson Pop N Fresh died yesterday, at 71.  In attendance at the funeral home were Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his career was filled with many turnovers.  He was not considered a smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.  Still, as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.
Fresh is survived by his second wife.  They have two children, and one in the oven.
The funeral will be held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

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There’s a lunch wagon offering, “Filly Cheese Steaks” that I pass almost every day.  Each time I pass it, I chant to myself, “Please let it be a misspelling!  Please let it be a misspelling!”

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A man with six kids will always be happier than the man with six million dollars, because the man with six million dollars will always want more.

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After a worship service, a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet.  About half way through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, “If you’re not quiet, Pastor Charlton will lose his place, and will have to start over again.”

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Religion is usually a verboten topic for everyone at work – except for Larry.  Recently, after he steered yet another conversation toward the subject, a co-worker whispered to me.  “That’s Larry.  He always has to put his two saints in.”

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After a flash flood had damaged their house and belongings, my aunt and uncle were forced to stay with friends.  One Sunday, as everyone got ready for church, my uncle borrowed a suit from his host.  The pants were too big, so my uncle said, “I’m going to need a belt.”
His humorless hostess shot back, “We do not drink before church.” 

Perverted One-Liners

My girlfriend called me a pervert….
….I said, ”That’s a big word for a nine-year-old.”

One year, a little boy wrote to Santa, “Please send me a sister.”….
…. Santa wrote back, “Okay, send me your mother.”

A man feels better after a few winks….
….especially if she winks back.

Would you call a retired cowboy….
….de-ranged?

Great minds….
….overthink alike.

A penny saved….
….is a Government oversight.

He who hesitates….
….is probably right.

If you’re happy and you know it….
….it’s your meds.

When do women appreciate a man’s company?….
….When he owns it.

I’m not fat….
….I’m just easy to see.

I’m not sure if life is passing me by….
….or trying to run me over.

For every action….
….there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

Call me antisocial….
….but please don’t call me.

She was just a bootlegger’s daughter….
….but I loved her still.

She was only the Admiral’s daughter….
….but her navel was always full of discharged semen.

Mean And Greedy Atheists

From a Q & A session following one of Christopher Hitchens’ lectures

Why do you want to take away something that provides comfort and support to 95% of the population, and replace it with something that provides comfort to only 5% of the population??

Well…. What an incredibly stupid question.
First, I have said repeatedly, this stuff cannot be taken away from people.  It is their favorite toy, and it will remain so for as long as we’re afraid of death.  Second, I hope I made it clear, that I’m perfectly happy for people to have these toys, and to play with them at home, and hug them to themselves, and to share them with others who come around.

That’s absolutely fine.  They are not to make me play with these toys.  I will not play with the toys.  Don’t bring the toys to my house.  Don’t say that my children must play with these toys.  I’m not allowing their toys.  I’m not having any of that.  Enough with clerical and religious bullying!  Is that finally clear??!  Have I got that across?

Pinched Fibbing Friday

Last week Pensitivity101 pinched some quotes from famous people.  Who do you think said these?

1. “Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”
That was my favourite Scotsman, Sir Thomas Sean Connery, who once said of women, “Sometimes they just need a little slap.

2. “Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.”

That was Richard Mattel.  Of course, he was referring to a ‘Barbie’s Magic Playhouse.’  His taste in partners got younger, as he got older.  😮

3. “Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
The wife often says that, but assures me that she’s not referring to me.

4. “If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.”
That was actress Joan Crawford, when she was explaining about ‘No Wire Hangers!!’  I don’t yell at my kids.  I use sign language – often involving only one middle finger.  They can’t hear me over the racket of their own ruckus, and would just ignore me, even if they could hear me.

5. “Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness, never had any.”
I couldn’t research this, because I didn’t know whether it was the happiness, or the money, that they, “never had any.”  My own poverty assures me a certain degree of peace, quiet, and happiness.  As an impoverished, recluse loner, I am seldom bothered by Nigerian Princes, pyramid schemes, or condominium scams.  My phone only rings with Paki duct-cleaners.  They know that I have dust.  It falls out of my wallet.

6. “Happiness is having a large, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
I believe that was the Octomom.  She’s up to 14 kids now.  Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

7. “The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.”
Any – or all – of the Kardashians….  No, wait…. It was Taylor Swift.

8. “Man is the only animal that blushes—or needs to.”
See number 1!  Connery could probably have lived another ten years, if he’d just kept his mouth shut about his BDSM tendencies.

9. “Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. It’s cheaper.”
Charlie – (Excuse me) Charles Dow, who co-founded Dow-Jones in 1896.  He was the American, financial equivalent to a British Baronet.  As the James Bond movie, Casino Royale said, an inferior sort of title.

10. “Success is falling nine times and getting up ten.”
I don’t know, and I don’t want to know.  How successful can some idiot be, who can’t even count??!  If you fall down nine times, you can only get up nine times, no matter how inspirational the quote is.

Sharing My World

Standing in for Melanie, pensitivity101 has sponsored a post, urging us to “Share Your World.”  Since I’m a selfish old bugger, I refused, and changed the title.  Always on the lookout for a good blog-theme, and being garrulous, loquacious, vociferous, talkative, voluble, gabby, thesaurus, and repetitive, I’ve decided to bare all.

Here are this week’s questions:
1.  Do you have family photographs on display in your main living room?

Yes, we do, finally. For years the living room walls have been adorned only with prints of artists’ originals, including one by a friend/artist, who turned it into a Remarque by painting an extension of a flowering Magnolia branch, out onto the matte.

The family pictures, including a water-color of the daughter, spinning yarn, begin at the half-landing, and extend up the stairway wall toward the bedrooms.  It looks like the FBI’s 10 Most Wanted Gallery, caught in a stiff breeze.

Having run out of upwardly-mobile vertical space, the recent birth of the Great-grandson required finding space in the living room to hang a photo of Mr. Blue Eyes on one wall, and a montage of him and his parents, printed on fabric at Staples, on another.

2. What was the best vehicle you owned?
This could be a pushbike as a kid, your first car, a motorcycle, or something else.

I would be hard-pressed to pick any of the vehicles we’ve owned, as a Favorite. Each has been what we needed at the time. We started with a couple of sedans.  As the children grew, we graduated to a station wagon.  As we became more rotund, numerous and arthritic, we’ve moved up to an easier entry, 7-passenger sport-ute.

Automobiles are sedate and functional.  For cheaper, easier, more fun and freedom transportation, I owned 5 Jap-crap, rice-burner motorcycles, over 20+ years.  If I were forced to pick, I would probably choose the last – a Corvette blue-on-blue, Honda CB750K

3. Did you pass your driving test first time?

I did! I had to choose between two cities with examination centers, each 25 miles away from my home town. One possessed steep hills, and examiners known to reach over and turn off the ignition half-way up, to see how you coped.  I picked the flatland one.

I took the test in a left-hand drive Vauxhall, exported to Canada.  I lost four points, not once, but twice, for failing to gear down the manual transmission for turns, and lugging the engine.  I needed 90% to pass and ended with 92%.

4. Does loud music from a neighbor or passing cars annoy you?

Thank an un-named (and possibly imaginary) deity for allergies and air-conditioning. We remain inside mostly, with the windows closed. Our nearest neighbors are quiet, and those who play music while they’re on their decks, do so at reasonable volumes.  The son works all night, and tries to sleep all day.

Idiots in cars, with their radios jacked up to 11, puzzle me, but usually don’t anger me.  At a light, some fool rolls up beside me.  My windows are up.  His windows are up, and I can still hear his stereo blasting and the bass just a-thumpin’.  I think it’s like buying a hot-damn car as a penis substitute.  They’re compensating.  And it’s often some young white dude, blaring Black rap.

Gratitude:
What has made you smile over the last seven days?


Grumpy Archon is getting soft and mushy in his old age.

“Happy/Smile” is not the same as gratitude.  Despite claiming to be grumpy, I am easily pleased.  Mining humor sites for future blog-post jokes, and interacting with fellow bloggers keeps me happy and smiling.  I am grateful that, even as I have reached the age of 78, I still remain reasonably strong and healthy.  I much prefer seeing the green side of the sod.  If that changes, I’ll let you know.

’22 A To Z Challenge – U

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What word or phrase – beginning with the letter U – will I choose as a theme, this time?

As the singer, Tom Jones says, It’s Not Unusual.  But then, can you really trust a man who was willing to lop off his last name, to take advantage of a movie presentation of an old, smutty novel, to help kick-start his career??  😕

Words in the dictionary, beginning with the letters X, Y, or Z, are not terribly plentiful.  Words beginning with U, seem a bit more abundant – until you realize that most of them are un-something – the negatives of a bunch of positive words.

I am willing – I positively revel – to be G.O.D. – the Grumpy Old Dude blogger, grumbling about this and that.  But I don’t want the entire, overarching theme of my website, to be negative.  I don’t mind bitching about certain foibles of society, but overall, I want it to be

UPBEAT

A musical term which has come to mean; optimistic, cheerful, happy

I am positive that Donald Trump, and many other politicians, are total, and complete ASSHOLES!  Perhaps we should try to choose political leaders who are UN-assholes….  Are there any??!  😳  Maybe we could issue a UKASEedict, order, directive, ruling, decree, fiat, proclamation, that no assholes are allowed.  Now that would be positive!

On my way out, I’d like to introduce you to my new, non-sequitur pet, an

URUBU

A Portuguese, vulture-like turkey buzzard.  Handsome little devil, isn’t he??!  😉

Déjà Vu Fibbing Friday

Pensitivity101’s recycled Fibbing Friday

  1. What is the most intelligent life form on Earth?

Those are the viewers who come to read my Fibbing Friday output – and they are handsome, good-looking, and quite sexually attractive.  They are intelligent, and not gullible, or easily taken in with false praise.  They often wear rubber boots, and step high as they pass through.  After the last of them have left, I sweep this up, spread it on the garden, and grow gigantic zucchini.

  1. Why did we really go to school?

So that our Moms could have a little ‘Adult Time” with their friends, Merlot and Prince Valium.

  1. What did teachers do during recess?

Until Marijuana dispensaries became legal, party favors in the teachers’ lounge were provided by a guy named Stoner.  On a rotating basis, therapy sessions were provided by a circuit-rider psychiatrist, but there’s not much they can do in 15 minutes.

  1. How did you get to school?

After my Mother firmly insisted that I do so, I carefully placed one foot in front of the other, and repeated, until my nose bumped into the fount of education.

  1. What was life like before the Internet?

It was peaceful and quiet, yet, apparently people were unknowingly unhappy.  We didn’t have Influencers, to tell us what food, clothing and performance artists to ‘Like,’ as well as Woke Snowflakes, with boundless supplies of Presentism, to show us how we should be appalled at what our ancestors did in good faith.

  1. What is the best thing about social media?

The ability to opt out.  Some beautiful, two-digit IQ said something vapid and inane, and got 273,000 likes??!  Not from me!  Sorry, not sorry – I don’t give a F… damn.  Someone I don’t know ate a meal – or at least took and published photos, before going back to the anorexia clinic??!  I’ve got a real life – with perogies, and a good book.

  1. What is your favorite thing to put chocolate sauce on?

I’m not sure yet.  Research is still ongoing.  It’s quicker and easier to compile a short list of where it shouldn’t go.  So far, it shouldn’t go on Caesar salad, or nachos.   😉

  1. Doctors were all wrong…humans don’t need water. What do they need?

Many need a slap upside the head.  Find it almost impossible to drink eight glasses of water a day??  But eight beers go down quick and easy.  More??!  You want more??!

  1. Dolphins are not mammals. What are they?

They are NFL football players for the Miami team.  Even close visual inspection does not reveal whether they are demons, or space aliens – perhaps both.  One of their cousins – Herschel Walker – was a Cowboy, a Giant, a Viking, and an Eagle, before he became the worst type of animal, a hypocritical, Bible-thumping politician.

Even though he espouses “Family Values,” he has fathered four children with four unwed mothers.  Despite ranting about banning abortion, he paid $700 to prevent the birth of a fifth little bastard.

  1. There is a Lost Dutchman’s Mine, but where is it?

Remember the story of the little Dutch boy who stuck his finger in a hole in a dyke dike, to prevent a flood??!  Turns out, he was a lookout and distraction, and the hole was a concealed keyhole that opened a carefully camouflaged door.  The mine does not yield gold or silver, just scads of hydroponically grown tulips, tons of Gouda and Edam cheese that fell off the back of a truck, and wooden shoes, with a few Dutch Uncles as supervisors.

SPLIT DECISION – PERFECT JOB OR LOTTERY WIN

Which would you choose, my valued readers??  😕

Money can’t buy happiness – but it makes looking for it a whole lot easier and keeps you a lot more comfortable till it arrives.  As a rock star once said, “You can moor your yacht much closer to it.”

I have been poor and happy – at the very least, contented – all my life.  I’m willing to take a chance on being uncomfortable, sitting on a big pile of hard cash.  I don’t think that I would be like some lottery winners, who blow through a $million or two in a year, and wind up homeless.  With the financial training that I received from my parents, I think that I would be far more rational with a big win.  Someone once told me that I needed professional help.  I replied, “Yeah, a cook, a maid, and a gardener should do it.”

WHILE WE’RE TALKING ABOUT IMPOSSIBILITIES

Faint as it is, the chance of winning a big lottery is more likely than finding the perfect job.  I don’t believe that the perfect job exists.  Motivational speakers urge you to, “Follow your heart.  Find a job you love, and you’ll never work a day in your life.  Start your own business.”  Doing What!  I doubt that I can find someone who will pay me to solve crossword puzzles and research German verbs.

And you’re still working for someone.  Even self-employed, you work for yourself –and I make a terrible boss.  The only motivation many of these speakers have, is their income, not yours.  One confided to the wife that he was not making enough money so, counter-intuitively, he raised his rates.  Psychology says that someone who asks for more, must be worth more.  He was getting more gigs, at the higher fee.

This blogging thing is the closest I’ve come to the perfect job, and I still have deadlines, production problems, and surly staff.  Much as I would miss my treasured readers, I would sooner be able to afford to read more, and travel much more, seeing the world in fact, and in print.  I might even have to join Facebook, just so that I could publish pictures of me on the Lido Deck, sipping a Mimosa, eating yoghurt, and holding a copy of Portnoy’s Complaint, in Cozumel.

I would love to shed my Protestant work ethic, and be supported in the way that I want to become accustomed to.  What about you??  Could you be happy, being a lounge act, or do you feel the need to be productive?  And what would your perfect job produce?  😕  😀

I WOKE To A Problem

Just a little rant observation about what life is like these days.

I rolled out of bed early, with a smile on my face, and a song in my heart.

8:00 a.m. I made a snowman.

8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn’t make a snow woman.

8:15 So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman’s voluptuous chest, saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

8:20 The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.

8:22 The transgender ma..wom…person asked why I didn’t just make one snow person with detachable parts.

8:25 The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 The Muslim gent across the road demands the snow woman wear a burqa.

8:40 The Police arrive saying someone has been offended.

8:42 The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needs to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.

8:43 The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

8:45 TV news crew from the ABC shows up. I am asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I reply, “Snowballs” and am now called a sexist.

9:00 I’m on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices. My children are taken by social services.

9:29 Far left protesters offended by everything, are marching down the street demanding for me to be beheaded.

Moral: There is no moral to this story. It’s just the world in which we live today, and it is going to get much worse.

Flash Fiction #265

PHOTO PROMPT © Dale Rogerson

UNDER THE BIG…. DISAPPOINTMENT

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and all non-specifically-gendered LGBTQ+ persons – welcome to the first All-P.C. Circus.

Rather than cotton candy, hot-dogs and caramel corn, we are providing kale salads and frozen, whipped tofu in a chia-based cone.

Instead of trained seals and lions, we have a solar-powered Jumbotron, showing happy animals living in harmony in the wild.

Midgets have been replaced by stature-challenged roustabouts holding colorful posters showing global warming and extinct species.

Our daring high-diver will leap from his lofty ivory tower into two feet of WOKE.

No Snowflakes will be melted during the presentation of our show.

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Go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.