I’m not saying that my wife is moody, but….
….she could start a fight in an empty house.
When she speaks….
….you never run out of things to listen to.
I sabotaged an origami contest….
….The judges are waiting to see what unfolds.
Being Canadian is never having to apologize….
….for saying you’re sorry.
If you don’t take the time to pack your parachute properly….
….you’re jumping to a hasty conclusion.
The entire world sucks….
….If it didn’t, we’d all fall off….
….People don’t understand the gravity of the situation.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist: While you guys were arguing….
….over the glass of water, I drank it, The Opportunist.
I contracted mood poisoning….
….must be something I hate.
The Bible verse I love….
….Lunch: 11:30
What exercise program do you use to get The Body of Christ?….
….CrossFit. Nailed it!
My deaf wife was talking in her sleep last night….
….Nearly took my eye out.
I told myself that I should stop drinking….
….but I’m not going to listen to some drunk who talks to himself.
I went to the worst faith healer ever yesterday….
….He was so bad, some guy in a wheelchair got up and walked out.
My dermatologist friend….
….started his career from scratch.
I got kicked out of the Peripheral Vision Club….
….I didn’t see that coming.
Why did the Vegan cross the road?….
….To tell someone that he was a Vegan.
Google Translate – Thoughts and prayers….
….= I don’t give a fuck.
My new year’s resolution is to read more….
…. So, I’ve permanently turned on the TV subtitles.
Ideas for getting more exercise this year….
….Move the cookies. Buy a heavier kettle.
Fold your worries into paper airplanes….
….Turn them into flying fucks.
I went to a costume party at a bar, dressed as a tennis ball….
….I got served.



