In The Mood For One-Liners

I’m not saying that my wife is moody, but….
….she could start a fight in an empty house.

When she speaks….
….you never run out of things to listen to.

I sabotaged an origami contest….
….The judges are waiting to see what unfolds.

Being Canadian is never having to apologize….
….for saying you’re sorry.

If you don’t take the time to pack your parachute properly….
….you’re jumping to a hasty conclusion.

The entire world sucks….
….If it didn’t, we’d all fall off….
….People don’t understand the gravity of the situation.

Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist: While you guys were arguing….
….over the glass of water, I drank it, The Opportunist.

I contracted mood poisoning….
….must be something I hate.

The Bible verse I love….
….Lunch: 11:30

What exercise program do you use to get The Body of Christ?….
….CrossFit.  Nailed it!

My deaf wife was talking in her sleep last night….
….Nearly took my eye out.

I told myself that I should stop drinking….
….but I’m not going to listen to some drunk who talks to himself.

I went to the worst faith healer ever yesterday….
….He was so bad, some guy in a wheelchair got up and walked out.

My dermatologist friend….
….started his career from scratch.

I got kicked out of the Peripheral Vision Club….
….I didn’t see that coming.

Why did the Vegan cross the road?….
….To tell someone that he was a Vegan.

Google Translate – Thoughts and prayers….
….= I don’t give a fuck.

My new year’s resolution is to read more….
…. So, I’ve permanently turned on the TV subtitles.

Ideas for getting more exercise this year….
….Move the cookies.  Buy a heavier kettle.

Fold your worries into paper airplanes….
….Turn them into flying fucks.

I went to a costume party at a bar, dressed as a tennis ball….
….I got served.

WOW #36

Lonely Man

I’m Just a Lonely Boy – or so Paul Anka claimed he was.  I’m not.  Thanx to a chance encounter with a dictionary, (Hah!  As if any encounter I have with a dictionary could be ‘Chance’) I find that I can apply the honorable title of

SOLITUDINARIAN

Noun

a person who seeks solitude; a recluse.

It’s not that I want to beat this concept to death; it’s just that I keep finding more and more dignified words to describe my chosen lifestyle.

Hate People

I don’t hate everybody.  I haven’t met everybody.  Aside from you lovely people, who come here and brighten my days, the less I have to do with the rest of the Smart Phone-wielding, gullible, ignorant- yet opinionated masses, the better for everyone involved.

The chains on my mood swing just broke.
Run!

I once admitted to a reader that I occasionally read Christian web-posts.  Shocked, he demanded to know why I would do such a thing.  It’s not Masochism.  It’s not generally intentional.  It’s that a surprising – almost frightening – number of Christian bloggers label their output with an ‘Atheist’, or ‘Atheism’ tag.

Between them, and the Flat Earthers, and the Conspiracy Theorists, (See Buzz Aldrin’s outrage that the recent movie, First Man, didn’t show the planting of the American flag on the moon) I feel comfortable in my own company.

Many Fundamentalist (with the accent on ‘mental’) Christians refuse to accept the Theory of Evolution, because they don’t want to admit that they might be related to monkeys.  There are just too many folks out there, otherwise known as wastes of space and resources, who act like they are related to jackasses.

Thanx for reading.  See you again soon.  😀

WOW #29

Fuck It

I was going to publish this post earlier, but I didn’t remember to.   😳  A previous A To Z was about the word “Forgettery.”  This one’s about the same thing, just with the slightly more upscale name of

OBLIVESCENCE

The act of forgetting Oblivescence dates from the late 19th century and is a later spelling of obliviscence, which dates from the late 18th century. The spelling oblivescence arose by influence of the far more common suffix -escence. The English noun is a derivative of the Latin verb oblīviscī “to forget,” literally “to wipe away, smooth over.” The Latin verb is composed of the prefix ob- “away, against” and the same root as the adjective lēvis “smooth.”

Oblivescence has such a rich, round, regal sound to it. Today’s modern society is so chock-full of need-to-know technical knowledge, that the history, pride and good manners of our more elegant past are being forgotten.  There was a time when you could call another man a liar without calling him a liar, by saying that his claim was ‘mendacity, Sir.

Today’s schoolchildren are not taught to add, subtract, multiply or divide. Rather, they are trained to use a calculator.  There’s one inside every computer and Smart phone. “Siri, how much is 12 times 17?” They are not taught cursive writing, but rather how to use a keyboard, or even a little touchscreen.  Kids have forgotten how to pick up and use pencils, pens and crayons, but will soon evolve powerful thumbs from texting.

We have forgotten how to debate, or even how to have a polite conversation with those who don’t totally agree with us. Society has forgotten good manners and tolerance.  We, as writers, should attempt to help others recall kind acceptance.  Remember what your Mother taught you; “Play nice with others!”   😀