April 30, 2011 by tmw0618
I’ve been MIA lately….sorry to my stalkers. 🙂
I’m at a weird place in my life right now, a sort of crossroads. I try and try to get over my relationship with D and then I see her…it all comes flooding back to me. Japan’s Tsunami has nothing on this monsoon of emotions. There’s been hope, fighting, lack of hope, more hope, distancing, friendship, and the list goes on. Hashing out all of the issues would be a pointless drag of time. It’s been made clear to me that I’m never going to have what I want, that I’m not a good enough person. On one hand I’m angry and I want to point out all of the things that went wrong for me….you know the one’s that weren’t my fault. However, at the same time I can not justify anything I’ve done out of spite or fear. This may seem like a confusing mess of nonsense…but the point is it makes perfect sense in my head. Deep down I know where I’m right and where I’m wrong….but, that doesn’t give me a sense of peace or even understanding. Sometimes I think if I was willing to put up through everything that was disagreeable then why the heck can’t she??? I’m constantly going back and forth in my head, I beat myself up then I drag out that lock and chain to barricade my heart from feeling anything.
I am supposed to make a decision now…to move on. But, I know I can’t especially with her so involved in my life. I live for the moments that give me hope and I see that look in her eyes again. So if I can’t move on while she’s here and I can’t make the decision to let her go completely where does that leave me? Will it get easier after time with us being friends? Can I bear to see her move on so quickly with other people? Will I ever be able to look at other people? I don’t know, I have no answers for these questions flooding my mind. I know that I’m hurting and there’s no one to help me pick up the pieces. The person I want to talk to about it is her, and I’m sick of fighting.
I seen her yesterday. It was emotional. I cried myself into restless fits of sleep and dreams of agony.
I have empowering moments too….I think about how happy she deserves to be, so I should be ok because that was the only purpose I had in life for the longest time. We are really good friends so a friendship should be good enough. I think about how I deserve to be happy….Right? RIGHT?
It’s a rough road, a rough decision. I’m waiting for the day when it becomes easy to exist. Yeah, I know I won’t hold my breath or anything. It’s nice to dream though. That’s all the good things are is a beautiful dream.
So, I will continue to try to fill my life with meaning, be happy with myself, and try to be content with the way things have been laid out for me. I will continue to love her through it all.
Posted in Daily struggles, Love | Tagged building relationships, challenges, dyke, family, feeling, fights, friends, friendship, hate, help, inddiference, insomnia, lesbian, life, loss, love, opinion, sleep, stress, tired, work, wrong | Leave a Comment »
April 13, 2011 by tmw0618
I’m here at work….my schedule says 8 but I don’t see anyone else. So I’m just awaitin’. I’m starting to wonder if there was a boo boo on my schedule because usually I’m the second person here not the first. Its nice to have that extra moment alone sometimes but, this girl sure could’ve used that extra half hour of sleep.
So, at least I get to write and jam! Last night I wrote a letter to Mr. Insomnia….let me tell you that bastard didn’t listen. He has absolutley no respect for the tired. Next time I will reach to his superiors first. Although, I did get a bit of sleep last night. I don’t remember S coming to pick the baby up. She must’ve come right after I fell asleep because I was wide awake at about 2:30am. Does anyone else have tricks or rituals they do to try and sleep? I pile my blankets and pillows into the living room, flip on the tv, and try to bore myself to sleep. I also….don’t laugh!….have a bear I can’t sleep without. D gave it to me to replace the other one I used….I know, I know, but I can’t get rid of it! It takes me somewhere when my life made sense.
Speaking on that subject…..I’ve started the healing process. Every second gets easier and easier. Yesterday I went and got my nails done, the next step is to get my hair done. 🙂 my sister and I took the baby out for lunch and met up with some family. We had a good time! There are so many things I missed that I didn’t even realize. I was so consumed in my relationship, I forgot about the world. (One could argue D was my world, but I digress) What’s making this easier than normal, is all the things I keep finding out. I never realized how fake things were and how wrong I was…..I never realized how controlled my life was. I’ve met a great group of people and I’m rebuilding some old relationships. I can’t say that I don’t still love D or that our relationship was a waste, because I learned so much from it. I’m finally at the place where I can forgive her and I do. I will always be there for her as a friend but, I’m standing on my own two feet and I’m ok. 🙂
Ok, work time.
Posted in Daily struggles, Work | Tagged early, epiphany, happy, healing, late, love, moving on, relationships, work | Leave a Comment »
April 13, 2011 by tmw0618
Tonight I am very sleepy. I would appreciate it if you leave me alone and allow me to sleep through the night. If you don’t mind I would like you to also keep your buddy, Nightmare, from sneaking into my dreams again. It’s creepy and I don’t like it at all. It’s rude how he comes uninvited every night, if I need him I will let him know. If it’s necassary I will give you a list of people who deserve Nightmare’s unwanted visit. It should keep him pretty busy.
I hope you take this into great consideration for the future, as well.
Thank you so much in advance.
T.
Posted in Daily struggles, Life | Tagged challenges, insomnia, letter, nightmare, sleep, stress | 2 Comments »
April 10, 2011 by tmw0618
Today after work I went to take a nap…I failed. I laid in bed and tried to close my eyes, my brain was like a run on sentence. When I opened my eyes all I seen was the huge matted collage of our family pictures. From when we were a family…or so I thought. I’ve made a hard decision, probably the hardest I’ve ever had to make. D and I broke up last night. We always said that we would stay friends if we ever broke up.
I can’t do it. I can’t watch her life go on without me, it hurts too much, I can’t ignore the anger I feel from things she said. It isn’t easy for me to push her away completely however, I know that’s the only way I can move on and get over this hump. I’m trying to separate her from me. I went on a rampage today and took down all the pictures….except I can’t bring myself to throw them away.
If we aren’t meant to be together then why does it hurt so bad? I’m trying to listen to my brain instead of my heart this time….there’s been about a million and one times I wanted to grab the phone to text her about something or call her. We had a ritual, when we were on smoke breaks or leaving home from work, we called each other every single time. Do you know I got out of work and I couldn’t wait to call her? Except, I can’t anymore. My heart is so broken. It’s like there’s a piece of me, right down there in the center of my chest, that has been ripped out. I feel so empty. I don’t even want to sleep because that’s when it’s the worst. I’ve tried turning on music, the tv, writing, drawing, reading….I can’t focus on anything! My brain just runs and runs…..I wish half the batteries I bought were this persistent.
We had so many good times, bad time, goofy times, cute times…and so much. How do I function without her? I’ve written probably 30 notes to her, tossed them in the garbage, then started over. I have the worst mood swings, one minute I’m crying, the next I’m angry and starting to throw things out, then I’m perfectly calm about the situation…then I got back to the crying bit. The ocean has nothing on my tears.
I’ve gone as far as googling ways to get over your girlfriend…tried hanging out with friends, played with the kids, cleaned up the house, and watched some brainless television. EVERYTHING reminds me of her….every last effing thing. I’m just at a crossroads. I want her in my life, I want to love her, I want her to love me, I want a family. But, it’s not in the cards for us. We are way to different…..see this is my brain trying to talk my heart out of feeling what I feel.
I’ve heard everyone say that it’ll get easier, or it’s for the best, or it’s about time….well, thanks guys, thanks for supporting my breaking heart. See here I go getting to the angry part. Perhaps it’s time for me to try to shut off…….I’ll be back if that doesn’t happen.
Posted in "The Gay", Daily struggles, Love, Uncategorized | Tagged brain, broken, challenges, desire, failure, feeling, fights, friends, hate, heart, hurt, lesbian, life, loss, love, opinion, stress, tired, writing, wrong, wtf | Leave a Comment »
It seems so easy to do. Just lie your precious head down on a pillow, wrap up in a warm blanket, and drift off into dreamland. Easy? Not lately. I lay in bed hoping to get to that comfy, happy place….and BAM my brain doesn’t shut off, my legs don’t sit still, and I need to do something. I get up for a drink of water, a smoke, to make sure the doors are locked……then slowly but surely I come to my computer. One punch of the power button, a flash of the screen, and I’m in my happy place for insomnia. Nothing like the feel of my fingers flying over the keys to release my thoughts.
So let’s talk about what’s on my brain tonight. I have two one year olds sleeping in my bedroom, well one in the bedroom and one (who threw a fit) wrapped in a blanket on the dining room floor. It’s been a while since I’ve had the babyness in my home. It’s a comfort for me in ways and in others I’m a nervous wreck. My house is far from baby proofed, or even baby friendly anymore. My baby is four years old going on 35 so she pretty much knows what to touch and what not to. It’s funny though, how somethings are so natural, even after not having a baby around in years. Patience floods back to you….that patience only used for babies. (and idiots) There’s also a sixth sense mothers have, like eyes in the back of their head. NO REALLY!! It’s so true. With babies around it’s intensified by a million.
I miss having babies, I want more, like an orphanage of small, cute, plump babies. Maybe I should get a puppy….
I guess I feel a little better. A short blog, a looooong journal entry, and some sweet tea. I’ve got the regular American dream right here….
Sleeplessly Yours,
Random Insomnia Girl
Posted in Daily struggles, Life | Tagged challenges, feeling, help, insomnia, late, life, midnights, sleep, sleepless, writing, wtf | Leave a Comment »
I have many reasons for why I write. Even though, I never really thought about them until recently during a discussion I had with a friend. Keeping things bottled up in my head makes my life stressful. I need outlets for my thoughts even if they are random ones. Sometimes I just need to vent, other times I feel quite political and I want to share with someone. Even more so, I usually cannot articulate my feelings when I’m speaking. Writing gives me time to gather the thought coherently….and then edit appropriately. At times when I’m upset, my talking and writing becomes country and full of slang. So to be able to get it all out into a journal or a blog allows me to hold on to it then edit it so I don’t sound so….childish or uneducated. I take pride in being able to write good. I may not be great, but I’m not bad.
What reason do you write? When I was younger, about 12, I saw a therapist. (Go figure, right?) He got me hooked on journaling. He said it was good to get everything out to clear my mind so that I could focus on situations and ways to make them better. From that day forward I kept a journal of my deepest darkest thoughts, you know, the ones you don’t want to say because it makes it to real. Like speaking the thought breathes life into it, transforms it into a live being. As I got older my venues changed. I started using my computer to log my entries then eventually moved onto the smart phone. Which I must say is the most convenient invention I’ve seen so far. Now, I am your regular blogging fanatic. During the day I use my phone to blog or journal, at night I’m glued to the laptop.
I’ve even tossed around the idea of writing a book. Writing has become a large part of me. So much so, that when I’m not writing….I’m thinking about what I’m going to write later. At times where I don’t have the time to write, I don’t feel complete. For goodness sake, I’ve scheduled in writing when I first started my job at the bank! I would wake up at 5am, just to give myself coffee and thought time. Yes, I realize I am a little crazy. However, I LOVE it!! My biggest fear about diving into a novel is: What if I’m not good enough? What story will I tell? I can come up with all kinds of ideas, but, once it comes down to putting it out there I freeze. Maybe the real reason is I’m afraid of bearing my soul to the world. Letting someone into that sacred spot of my heart. Really, that’s what writing is. Even in fiction you find some truth buried under it.
I probably should be going to bed..or working on homework….or something, but my brain does not want to shut off!
Posted in Daily struggles, Love, Work | Tagged challenges, failure, fiction, life, random, stress, success, truth, writing | 6 Comments »
March 30, 2011 by tmw0618
Today I received a surprising letter from my partner. We have been through some rough times and…well, to make a long story short we are no longer living together. Obviously, we are still madly in love with each other and we talk all the time through texting, instant messaging, and phone calls. Face to face interaction is limited for the time being, with her working nights and my busy schedule. Our conversations end up on the topic of us being friends…where we decide no (every time) and then try to make something work. Really, she is my best friend and the love of my life. I feel like personally we can overcome the obstacles we face as long as we’re together. It’s like when we hold hands we join forces and no one can break down our wall. (you know like Batman and Robin….except prettier with more poetry) We just need to open up better, communication is key….knowing what to say, as well as, what not to say.
So back to this letter I received, she texted me and told me I had a letter in her car for me to pick up but, after I read it I would have to wait 30 minutes to think about it before I called her. So I, being the some what pessimistic type, immediately thought, “Oh, my god…this is the we should just be friends letter.” Much to my surprise, I was WAY off base on that assumption. As I read the letter my heart filled with joy, simultaneous to the tears that filled my eyes. I could feel my chest filling up with love, excitement, joy, happiness….if you have another happy word, it will fit in this sentence. She not only listed all of the things she loves about me, well a lot of them, she told me that has to be enough. She asked for a fresh start….you know, let go of the past and move towards the future kind of fresh start. Then at the bottom she wrote, “Will you go on a date with me? Text Yes or No.” A historic romance with a modern touch….I’ll take it!
So, needless to say, I am sitting here with butterflies in my stomach….freaking out about what to wear….and feeling fantabulous about my life.
My lesson: Love can be enough, if you let it.
Posted in "The Gay", Daily struggles | Tagged Begginings, building relationships, challenges, feeling, friendship, lesbian, life, love, New, reaching out | 2 Comments »
March 26, 2011 by tmw0618
This is the title of my first paper for Ethics: Cultural Diversity. There is a text-book, but for research purposes it’s limited to explaining definitions of things like: Migration, Annexation, or colonization. Which can I say that migration seems like it’s almost the same as emigration and immigration except with different terminology? All of them involve another race moving into a foreign country in some way. If we look at the technicalities than yeah, I guess I see the difference….but nothing like confusing the over worked college student/single working mother. So I’m trying to “research” on the web to find quality sources of information….so far, nothing useful. Wikipedia and Answers.com are not viable research options, which of course is the two most popular searches for my subject. YAY! Go internet of useless information. It may just be time to bust out the old traditional research method….the library.
I must say there is some kind of romanticism to studying in the library amongst dusty books…with a notepad and a pencil. Nostalgia is tugging at my memory…pulling on my heart-strings. I’m the hopeless romantic at heart who loves old vintage ways of expression…which is probably why I still carry a journal with a pen. I can’t say that I use pencils that often anymore but there’s nothing like the feeling of the pen gliding over paper, filling it with words of creation, the soul of thought. Sometimes I feel like I should have been born a long time ago, in a different era. Where time was slow and the world wasn’t in such a hurry to get no where. Back when people savored the day in every moment.
But, here I am, where in less than a half hour I can mass email, txt, and contact every person I know, pick up dinner, eat, and find a good movie. Usually….all at the same time. I need a nice long vacation in Spain, where time doesn’t dictate what I’m doing, there’s no rush to be here or there. We can just be.
Posted in Daily struggles | Tagged era, essays, feeling, homework, life, love, nostalgia, relaxation, research, writing, wtf | Leave a Comment »
March 18, 2011 by tmw0618
In the past month my world has been flipped upside down, shaken, then stirred. It happens, ladies and gentlemen, and yes it sucks. (For lack of a more appropriate word) I’m a firm believer that all things happen for a reason. So when I find the reason for this, I will be glad to shed some light on why things become so….sucky.
The most important thing for me to do right now is to hold on to hope for the future. After we’ve hit rock bottom the only way to go is up, right? Staying positive is the only way to keep my life going in the right direction. It’s good for the kids and I for me to work on this whole….positive thing. I won’t pretend that it’s going to be easy, nor will I point any fingers or blame any person. Sometimes, it is what it is and that’s all we can do about it. Am I sugar coating how I really feel? Yes….yes I am. But there is no use to dwell on it anymore. In my heart of hearts I know what’s true and I know what to do about it. That’s all I can say for now, because I’m working really hard on the positive thing. REALLY HARD!
Posted in Daily struggles | 3 Comments »
March 15, 2011 by tmw0618
This weekend it’s time to play Army again! Complete with my M16 and combat boots. Running through the muck in full gear is just what I want to do this weekend. Good times. <—Loaded with sarcasm. Don’t get me wrong, I love the Army, I love being in it and I love shooting a weapon. It’s full of challenges to overcome every second. It seems as though lately, since I’ve had a big girl job, it’s becoming a slight inconvenience. The weekends I have drill means I don’t get a day off for 13 days, which isn’t to terrible….until you throw in four kids and college. A bonus is I can pretty much be openly gay! Yay Army for getting with the times.
I’m hoping before I go, I get my new bag and my lense in the mail!! I have taken up learning photography (I know, I know on top of everything else I’m doing!) and bought a Nikon D3000 digital SLR camera. It’s beautiful! The bag I’ll be getting allows me to fit 4 lenses the camera, lots of doodads, some notebooks and pens…and wait for it….wait for it….my laptop!!!! It also has an attatchment for a tripod, which I do not have…..yet. If I do get this stuff before I go, watch out WordPress! You will get a plethora of photos, hopefully good ones too. Before you know it I’ll be a pro, I feel it!
I have so many obsessions, some say hobbies, I say obssessions. Doing hair is one. Photograpy is another. Those are my two biggest. I have a plan that I won’t spill on here quite yet, but, it’s huge! Believe me, I dream big and I can make anything happen. =)
I would love to write more….but, dag’ gone it, I’m falling asleep.
Goodnight, world.
Posted in "The Gay", Daily struggles, Work | Tagged army, challenges, drill, feeling, life, Photography, writing | Leave a Comment »
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I am the Master of my Fate 