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Posts Tagged ‘failure’

Step Off that Scale!!!

Posted in Daily struggles, Fitness, Life, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 8, 2013| Leave a Comment »

For those of you who are trying to lose weight, do you catch yourself running to the  scale often?

…….STOP!!! The cardinal rule is to only weigh in once a week to track progress. When you are working out and building muscle….sometimes those numbers don’t drop like they’re expected too. Do NOT get discouraged…you are gaining muscle weight while you work out. On top of noting your start weight, you should be measuring key areas of your body, along with body fat percentage. With body fat…unless you have a scale that tells you all the fancy stuff, you would need calipers. Or go to a gym and have them do it for you. 😀 If those numbers aren’t changing then…you need to rethink your workouts and eating plan. But, if they are changing and the scale’s not….you’re doing fine!!!

(Here’s an explanation on how to measure your body with a tape measure.)

http://www.livestrong.com/article/267099-how-to-measure-body-parts/

The only reason I bring this up today is because I caught myself hopping on the scale every morning. (Old habits die-hard) As my brain started doing that thing it does….you know over working, thinking too much, becoming paranoid…..I had to reality check myself! I’m not even trying to lose weight! Goals are different for me these days….muscle, strength, flexibility, stamina, health…..not skinny, size zero, sickly, and bony. So trust me when I tell you, I know how easy it can be to slip from reality. You just have to remind yourself of what you’re doing this for!!! Stay positive, write down your goals, and every once in a while reality check yourself! Find someone who will motivate and push you in the right direction.

Things to remember: 1lb of fat takes up more space than 1lb of muscle, but 1lb of muscle weighs more than 1lb of fat.

I believe in you, and so should you 🙂

–T

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Breaking..up, down, around…

Posted in "The Gay", Daily struggles, Love, Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 10, 2011| Leave a Comment »

Today after work I went to take a nap…I failed. I laid in bed and tried to close my eyes, my brain was like a run on sentence. When I opened my eyes all I seen was the huge matted collage of our family pictures. From when we were a family…or so I thought. I’ve made a hard decision, probably the hardest I’ve ever had to make. D and I broke up last night. We always said that we would stay friends if we ever broke up.

I can’t do it. I can’t watch her life go on without me, it hurts too much, I can’t ignore the anger I feel from things she said. It isn’t easy for me to push her away completely however, I know that’s the only way I can move on and get over this hump. I’m trying to separate her from me. I went on a rampage today and took down all the pictures….except I can’t bring myself to throw them away.

If we aren’t meant to be together then why does it hurt so bad? I’m trying to listen to my brain instead of my heart this time….there’s been about a million and one times I wanted to grab the phone to text her about something or call her. We had a ritual, when we were on smoke breaks or leaving home from work, we called each other every single time. Do you know I got out of work and I couldn’t wait to call her? Except, I can’t anymore. My heart is so broken. It’s like there’s a piece of me, right down there in the center of my chest, that has been ripped out. I feel so empty. I don’t even want to sleep because that’s when it’s the worst. I’ve tried turning on music, the tv, writing, drawing, reading….I can’t focus on anything! My brain just runs and runs…..I wish half the batteries I bought were this persistent.

We had so many good times, bad time, goofy times, cute times…and so much. How do I function without her? I’ve written probably 30 notes to her, tossed them in the garbage, then started over. I have the worst mood swings, one minute I’m crying, the next I’m angry and starting to throw things out, then I’m perfectly calm about the situation…then I got back to the crying bit. The ocean has nothing on my tears.

I’ve gone as far as googling ways to get over your girlfriend…tried hanging out with friends, played with the kids, cleaned up the house, and watched some brainless television. EVERYTHING reminds me of her….every last effing thing. I’m just at a crossroads. I want her in my life, I want to love her, I want her to love me, I want a family. But, it’s not in the cards for us. We are way to different…..see this is my brain trying to talk my heart out of feeling what I feel.

I’ve heard everyone say that it’ll get easier, or it’s for the best, or it’s about time….well, thanks guys, thanks for supporting my breaking heart. See here I go getting to the angry part. Perhaps it’s time for me to try to shut off…….I’ll be back if that doesn’t happen.

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Why we Write

Posted in Daily struggles, Love, Work, tagged , , , , , , , , on April 4, 2011| 6 Comments »

I have many reasons for why I write. Even though, I never really thought about them until recently during a discussion I had with a friend. Keeping things bottled up in my head makes my life stressful. I need outlets for my thoughts even if they are random ones. Sometimes I just need to vent, other times I feel quite political and I want to share with someone. Even more so, I usually cannot articulate my feelings when I’m speaking. Writing gives me time to gather the thought coherently….and then edit appropriately. At times when I’m upset, my talking and writing becomes country and full of slang. So to be able to get it all out into a journal or a blog allows me to hold  on to it then edit it so I don’t sound so….childish or uneducated. I take pride in being able to write good. I may not be great, but I’m not bad.

What reason do you write? When I was younger, about 12, I saw a therapist. (Go figure, right?) He got me hooked on journaling. He said it was good to get everything out to clear my mind so that I could focus on situations and ways to make them better. From that day forward I kept a journal of my deepest darkest thoughts, you know, the ones you don’t want to say because it makes it to real. Like speaking the thought breathes life into it, transforms it into a live being. As I got older my venues changed. I started using my computer to log my entries then eventually moved onto the smart phone. Which I must say is the most convenient invention I’ve seen so far. Now, I am your regular blogging fanatic. During the day I use my phone to blog or journal, at night I’m glued to the laptop.

I’ve even tossed around the idea of writing a book. Writing has become a large part of me. So much so, that when I’m not writing….I’m thinking about what I’m going to write later. At times where I don’t have the time to write, I don’t feel complete. For goodness sake, I’ve scheduled in writing when I first started my job at the bank! I would wake up at 5am, just to give myself coffee and thought time. Yes, I realize I am a little crazy. However, I LOVE it!! My biggest fear about diving into a novel is: What if I’m not good enough? What story will I tell? I can come up with all kinds of ideas, but, once it comes down to putting it out there I freeze. Maybe the real reason is I’m afraid of bearing my soul to the world. Letting someone into that sacred spot of my heart. Really, that’s what writing is. Even in fiction you find some truth buried under it.

I probably should be going to bed..or working on homework….or something, but my brain does not want to shut off!

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When Goodbye’s are Necassary

Posted in Daily struggles, tagged , , , , , , , , , , on March 9, 2011| Leave a Comment »

There are so many things we attach ourselves to in our lives. Eventually, we face the same outcome. We must say goodbye. Remember that blanket you carried around for years, that little piece of security you held so dear? How long was it before mama came in and ripped security from your poor little hands? There are a few of us who decided on our own to get rid of our precious possessions, I use “few” very heavily here. Usually we are forcefully recommended that we let something go. Of course there are always promises of better things, or it will be ok statements….then we grow up and realize they’re liars.

It’s a pattern we follow even into our adult years. You go through school with your favorite pencil, seat in class, or your lucky bracelet. We outgrow them, or so we feel, and move on. Then we get into relationships. Everyone’s looking for their fairytale, the happy ending. Romeo & Juliet minus the death part and all the fighting.  We fall in love over and over ……and over again. Hoping for the forever after we seek.

So let’s say we have found our perfect match, the big kahuna of partners. There’s some warning signs, you know a few red flags your willing to overlook. Then your standing in the living room having the calmest break up talk known to man. On the inside it hurts, but your logic is saying….get over it. Opposites attract, so they say. Needless to say my partner and I have decided it is time to say goodbye. It’s going to be long and painful I’m sure, but it’s time. It’s no one’s fault really, more like a realization that we are fundamentally different in all of the important areas. She doesn’t want more than one kid and well, I have four….and I wouldn’t mind four more. That’s oversimplifying it quite a bit but, in a nutshell that’s something we cannot overcome.

I don’t want to say to much about it because I am heartbroken. I wanted it to work. I wanted it all….

But, here I am, forced to let go yet again.

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Or not

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , on November 8, 2010| 2 Comments »

It is funny how I feel so validated in my feelings and they can be reduced to making me feel like nothing. I am losing the sense of what I feel. Do I agree that I am stupid because now I feel like I am? Or do I hold onto my first fight because I felt right then?

I am hurting because I hurt her. I am hurting because she thinks I control her. I am hurting because I remember what I felt like to be in her shoes and her in mine, when the tables were turned. I am hurting because I still have a lot to talk about with her and she has nothing. I cannot stay up late with her and that is hurting me too. I feel like a terrible gf and I don’t know how to change that.

When did I become this way? I feel like a failure…..

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