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Posts Tagged ‘fights’

Just a Dream

Posted in Daily struggles, Love, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 30, 2011| Leave a Comment »

I’ve been MIA lately….sorry to my stalkers. 🙂

I’m at a weird place in my life right now, a sort of crossroads. I try and try to get over my relationship with D and then I see her…it all comes flooding back to me. Japan’s Tsunami has nothing on this monsoon of emotions. There’s been hope, fighting, lack of hope, more hope, distancing, friendship, and the list goes on. Hashing out all of the issues would be a pointless drag of time. It’s been made clear to me that I’m never going to have what I want, that I’m not a good enough person. On one hand I’m angry and I want to point out all of the things that went wrong for me….you know the one’s that weren’t my fault. However, at the same time I can not justify anything I’ve done out of spite or fear. This may seem like a confusing mess of nonsense…but the point is it makes perfect sense in my head. Deep down I know where I’m right and where I’m wrong….but, that doesn’t give me a sense of peace or even understanding. Sometimes I think if I was willing to put up through everything that was disagreeable then why the heck can’t she??? I’m constantly going back and forth in my head, I beat myself up then I drag out that lock and chain to barricade my heart from feeling anything.

I am supposed to make a decision now…to move on. But, I know I can’t especially with her so involved in my life. I live for the moments that give me hope and I see that look in her eyes again. So if I can’t move on while she’s here and I can’t make the decision to let her go completely where does that leave me? Will it get easier after time with us being friends? Can I bear to see her move on so quickly with other people? Will I ever be able to look at other people? I don’t know, I have no answers for these questions flooding my mind. I know that I’m hurting and there’s no one to help me pick up the pieces. The person I want to talk to about it is her, and I’m sick of fighting.

I seen her yesterday. It was emotional. I cried myself into restless fits of sleep and dreams of agony.

I have empowering moments too….I think about how happy she deserves to be, so I should be ok because that was the only purpose I had in life for the longest time. We are really good friends so a friendship should be good enough. I think about how I deserve to be happy….Right? RIGHT?

It’s a rough road, a rough decision. I’m waiting for the day when it becomes easy to exist. Yeah, I know I won’t hold my breath or anything. It’s nice to dream though. That’s all the good things are is a beautiful dream.

So, I will continue to try to fill my life with meaning, be happy with myself, and try to be content with the way things have been laid out for me. I will continue to love her through it all.

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Breaking..up, down, around…

Posted in "The Gay", Daily struggles, Love, Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 10, 2011| Leave a Comment »

Today after work I went to take a nap…I failed. I laid in bed and tried to close my eyes, my brain was like a run on sentence. When I opened my eyes all I seen was the huge matted collage of our family pictures. From when we were a family…or so I thought. I’ve made a hard decision, probably the hardest I’ve ever had to make. D and I broke up last night. We always said that we would stay friends if we ever broke up.

I can’t do it. I can’t watch her life go on without me, it hurts too much, I can’t ignore the anger I feel from things she said. It isn’t easy for me to push her away completely however, I know that’s the only way I can move on and get over this hump. I’m trying to separate her from me. I went on a rampage today and took down all the pictures….except I can’t bring myself to throw them away.

If we aren’t meant to be together then why does it hurt so bad? I’m trying to listen to my brain instead of my heart this time….there’s been about a million and one times I wanted to grab the phone to text her about something or call her. We had a ritual, when we were on smoke breaks or leaving home from work, we called each other every single time. Do you know I got out of work and I couldn’t wait to call her? Except, I can’t anymore. My heart is so broken. It’s like there’s a piece of me, right down there in the center of my chest, that has been ripped out. I feel so empty. I don’t even want to sleep because that’s when it’s the worst. I’ve tried turning on music, the tv, writing, drawing, reading….I can’t focus on anything! My brain just runs and runs…..I wish half the batteries I bought were this persistent.

We had so many good times, bad time, goofy times, cute times…and so much. How do I function without her? I’ve written probably 30 notes to her, tossed them in the garbage, then started over. I have the worst mood swings, one minute I’m crying, the next I’m angry and starting to throw things out, then I’m perfectly calm about the situation…then I got back to the crying bit. The ocean has nothing on my tears.

I’ve gone as far as googling ways to get over your girlfriend…tried hanging out with friends, played with the kids, cleaned up the house, and watched some brainless television. EVERYTHING reminds me of her….every last effing thing. I’m just at a crossroads. I want her in my life, I want to love her, I want her to love me, I want a family. But, it’s not in the cards for us. We are way to different…..see this is my brain trying to talk my heart out of feeling what I feel.

I’ve heard everyone say that it’ll get easier, or it’s for the best, or it’s about time….well, thanks guys, thanks for supporting my breaking heart. See here I go getting to the angry part. Perhaps it’s time for me to try to shut off…….I’ll be back if that doesn’t happen.

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When Goodbye’s are Necassary

Posted in Daily struggles, tagged , , , , , , , , , , on March 9, 2011| Leave a Comment »

There are so many things we attach ourselves to in our lives. Eventually, we face the same outcome. We must say goodbye. Remember that blanket you carried around for years, that little piece of security you held so dear? How long was it before mama came in and ripped security from your poor little hands? There are a few of us who decided on our own to get rid of our precious possessions, I use “few” very heavily here. Usually we are forcefully recommended that we let something go. Of course there are always promises of better things, or it will be ok statements….then we grow up and realize they’re liars.

It’s a pattern we follow even into our adult years. You go through school with your favorite pencil, seat in class, or your lucky bracelet. We outgrow them, or so we feel, and move on. Then we get into relationships. Everyone’s looking for their fairytale, the happy ending. Romeo & Juliet minus the death part and all the fighting.  We fall in love over and over ……and over again. Hoping for the forever after we seek.

So let’s say we have found our perfect match, the big kahuna of partners. There’s some warning signs, you know a few red flags your willing to overlook. Then your standing in the living room having the calmest break up talk known to man. On the inside it hurts, but your logic is saying….get over it. Opposites attract, so they say. Needless to say my partner and I have decided it is time to say goodbye. It’s going to be long and painful I’m sure, but it’s time. It’s no one’s fault really, more like a realization that we are fundamentally different in all of the important areas. She doesn’t want more than one kid and well, I have four….and I wouldn’t mind four more. That’s oversimplifying it quite a bit but, in a nutshell that’s something we cannot overcome.

I don’t want to say to much about it because I am heartbroken. I wanted it to work. I wanted it all….

But, here I am, forced to let go yet again.

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“Butch”

Posted in "The Gay", Daily struggles, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 24, 2010| Leave a Comment »

I have to say I love dyke labels, they are a paradox of verbage. Butch, femme, futch, lipstick lez, ect. What do I feel about the word butch? To me these labels are a feeling not a look. D and i have been together for well over a year, getting closer to the two year mark, and if people were to look at us they would see her as the butch…..wrong again society! I am the one who likes to roll around in the mud, play soccer, watch football, and all that nice “boy” stuff.  The summertime, to me, means no shoes, bbqs, and cut off jeans. They may be bootylicious cut off jeans but I’ll be damned if I am prissy about it. I am perfectly comfortable in my stilletto heels….playing baseball. D has short hair, which is about all the butch look she has going for her, if that counts. Rereading this I feel like I sound rude, I just get a little excited!

The most important part of why I feel more butch, even if I don’t look it: When we fight, I am emotionally detached. She gets emotional and cries and “moves out”. She throws tantrums, I make valid points and she yells at me for not listening to her. We are the paradigm of a heterosexual relationship when it comes to fights. She is the girl…always right, needs extra comfort, blah blah blah….and I am the man, I give up because I know I am right and give her what she wants so she will be happy again and stop yelling at me. Sometimes it is suffocating and other times it is just ….. normal. Even the way I think sexually is more, as she says it, like a man. But, that is a story for another time, friends.

Butch is not a gender identifier. I do not want to be like a boy or be a boy…..I just sometimes think more masculine. Like I said it’s a feeling. Most people think I would rather shop than anything, uh, not so much I would rather smoke someone in football. Yes, yes I still do all the girly things like bake and cook dinner, I do my makeup and I like to look nice…but at the end of the day deep down inside I am your average hick tomboy who cleans up nice.

So Very Short and Sweetly Yours:  T.

P.S. I tried to get her to let me wear a white pant suit for our wedding….we bought dresses if that tells you how well that worked out for me. They are beautiful and I love them. I still think a white pant suit would have been bitchin.

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Or not

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , on November 8, 2010| 2 Comments »

It is funny how I feel so validated in my feelings and they can be reduced to making me feel like nothing. I am losing the sense of what I feel. Do I agree that I am stupid because now I feel like I am? Or do I hold onto my first fight because I felt right then?

I am hurting because I hurt her. I am hurting because she thinks I control her. I am hurting because I remember what I felt like to be in her shoes and her in mine, when the tables were turned. I am hurting because I still have a lot to talk about with her and she has nothing. I cannot stay up late with her and that is hurting me too. I feel like a terrible gf and I don’t know how to change that.

When did I become this way? I feel like a failure…..

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