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Posts Tagged ‘tired’

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Posted in Daily struggles, Life, tagged , , , , , , , , on November 13, 2011| 1 Comment »

Sometimes we are given a chance to apologize, whether we are right or we are wrong. Whether there is probable cause, or lack of. It’s not that we are minimizing our feelings or burying our hurt. It’s that sometimes, even though it feels like it’s worth it, it’s not worth the fight. In moments like these, my pride starts threatening control. Building inside of me as I lash out my frustrations. I try my hardest to choke down the venom it spews through me. Sometimes it’s suffocating, other times I’m able to swallow it as easy as drinking water. Then there’s the times where my pride takes a seat on the back burner, offering my heart a chance to take a few swings. How fragile our hearts are, and yet, they can be a most formidable opponent. Fighting with emotion rather than strength.

 

It’s how we move on from this that really counts. Can you hold your head high without any regrets to move forward? For me, there are a few regrets I can think to when I need to remember them. As for recent, I have none. I can honestly stand here and say I do not apologize for my feelings, because they are not inadequate. The apology for my actions is warranted, I give that freely. Hot tempers are hard to settle. This is something I am learning to control, and while I still have quite a way to come, it’s coming. The only chance I have to succeed is looking to where I have erred and improve on my reactions. Which I intend to do every moment of every day. On my own, with help, in a pair….however it may come to pass.

 

Beauty can be found in all things, even in the painful moments. I loved, I love, I will always love. It doesn’t die like they say, not if you really love, it just changes. For it to be lost, you have to hide it or have it ripped from you. Even then, it doesn’t dull, it just becomes bearable. That crushing feeling of loss, seems as much an appendage as arms or legs. Strange to have hanging about, but lost and uncomfortable in its absence.

 

I will always love. I will go on. I will learn.

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Just a Dream

Posted in Daily struggles, Love, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 30, 2011| Leave a Comment »

I’ve been MIA lately….sorry to my stalkers. 🙂

I’m at a weird place in my life right now, a sort of crossroads. I try and try to get over my relationship with D and then I see her…it all comes flooding back to me. Japan’s Tsunami has nothing on this monsoon of emotions. There’s been hope, fighting, lack of hope, more hope, distancing, friendship, and the list goes on. Hashing out all of the issues would be a pointless drag of time. It’s been made clear to me that I’m never going to have what I want, that I’m not a good enough person. On one hand I’m angry and I want to point out all of the things that went wrong for me….you know the one’s that weren’t my fault. However, at the same time I can not justify anything I’ve done out of spite or fear. This may seem like a confusing mess of nonsense…but the point is it makes perfect sense in my head. Deep down I know where I’m right and where I’m wrong….but, that doesn’t give me a sense of peace or even understanding. Sometimes I think if I was willing to put up through everything that was disagreeable then why the heck can’t she??? I’m constantly going back and forth in my head, I beat myself up then I drag out that lock and chain to barricade my heart from feeling anything.

I am supposed to make a decision now…to move on. But, I know I can’t especially with her so involved in my life. I live for the moments that give me hope and I see that look in her eyes again. So if I can’t move on while she’s here and I can’t make the decision to let her go completely where does that leave me? Will it get easier after time with us being friends? Can I bear to see her move on so quickly with other people? Will I ever be able to look at other people? I don’t know, I have no answers for these questions flooding my mind. I know that I’m hurting and there’s no one to help me pick up the pieces. The person I want to talk to about it is her, and I’m sick of fighting.

I seen her yesterday. It was emotional. I cried myself into restless fits of sleep and dreams of agony.

I have empowering moments too….I think about how happy she deserves to be, so I should be ok because that was the only purpose I had in life for the longest time. We are really good friends so a friendship should be good enough. I think about how I deserve to be happy….Right? RIGHT?

It’s a rough road, a rough decision. I’m waiting for the day when it becomes easy to exist. Yeah, I know I won’t hold my breath or anything. It’s nice to dream though. That’s all the good things are is a beautiful dream.

So, I will continue to try to fill my life with meaning, be happy with myself, and try to be content with the way things have been laid out for me. I will continue to love her through it all.

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Breaking..up, down, around…

Posted in "The Gay", Daily struggles, Love, Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 10, 2011| Leave a Comment »

Today after work I went to take a nap…I failed. I laid in bed and tried to close my eyes, my brain was like a run on sentence. When I opened my eyes all I seen was the huge matted collage of our family pictures. From when we were a family…or so I thought. I’ve made a hard decision, probably the hardest I’ve ever had to make. D and I broke up last night. We always said that we would stay friends if we ever broke up.

I can’t do it. I can’t watch her life go on without me, it hurts too much, I can’t ignore the anger I feel from things she said. It isn’t easy for me to push her away completely however, I know that’s the only way I can move on and get over this hump. I’m trying to separate her from me. I went on a rampage today and took down all the pictures….except I can’t bring myself to throw them away.

If we aren’t meant to be together then why does it hurt so bad? I’m trying to listen to my brain instead of my heart this time….there’s been about a million and one times I wanted to grab the phone to text her about something or call her. We had a ritual, when we were on smoke breaks or leaving home from work, we called each other every single time. Do you know I got out of work and I couldn’t wait to call her? Except, I can’t anymore. My heart is so broken. It’s like there’s a piece of me, right down there in the center of my chest, that has been ripped out. I feel so empty. I don’t even want to sleep because that’s when it’s the worst. I’ve tried turning on music, the tv, writing, drawing, reading….I can’t focus on anything! My brain just runs and runs…..I wish half the batteries I bought were this persistent.

We had so many good times, bad time, goofy times, cute times…and so much. How do I function without her? I’ve written probably 30 notes to her, tossed them in the garbage, then started over. I have the worst mood swings, one minute I’m crying, the next I’m angry and starting to throw things out, then I’m perfectly calm about the situation…then I got back to the crying bit. The ocean has nothing on my tears.

I’ve gone as far as googling ways to get over your girlfriend…tried hanging out with friends, played with the kids, cleaned up the house, and watched some brainless television. EVERYTHING reminds me of her….every last effing thing. I’m just at a crossroads. I want her in my life, I want to love her, I want her to love me, I want a family. But, it’s not in the cards for us. We are way to different…..see this is my brain trying to talk my heart out of feeling what I feel.

I’ve heard everyone say that it’ll get easier, or it’s for the best, or it’s about time….well, thanks guys, thanks for supporting my breaking heart. See here I go getting to the angry part. Perhaps it’s time for me to try to shut off…….I’ll be back if that doesn’t happen.

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Here we go again

Posted in Daily struggles, Work, tagged , , , , on March 10, 2011| Leave a Comment »

When I wrote that title I was singing….u know the song….like twister I was boooorn to walk alooone. It about sums up the way I feel this morning.

I had a restless night of sleep. Being at that spot right between sleep and awake all night is not a good rest. As I’m pouring my coffee my hands are shaking……my body says “Woman, go back to bed!” Too bad all of my sick time at work has been used to stay home with my sick kids. The glamorous life of a single parent, we sacrifice more than most know of. The kids are dressed and ready for school while I hide in the bathroom dreading the loooong day I’m going to have. That sounds so cliche. My mother used to tell me a womans best friend is a bathroom with a lock on the door….who knew! I believe her now.

I just had a case of the deja vu! Deja vu always creeps me out…..what does it mean? With all of the hypothesis on it, I don’t have the energy to reflect on it. Nor do I have the time.

I’m thinking I’ll nap at my lunch time ❤

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Work.

Posted in Daily struggles, Family, tagged , , , , on November 24, 2010| Leave a Comment »

At what point does work become home and home become work? I am a terrible parent. The kids flock to me and want to play…..I feel disinterested and tired. Guiltily, I indulge them for a short period, knowing I cannot wait to sleep. I love them, they are my life, when did it become such hard work to play?

I need to adjust my priorities again.

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